Scrumdidileeumptious
by BitterSweetCrimson
Summary: SakuxAkatsuki AU She was a freshman and they were juniors but when insanity became reality, love and lust mix strangely, and life starts falling apart, lines typically get blurry. New philosophy: Don't look back. Kick some ass. And get the guy... guys*
1. AngstBGone

_This idea came to me VERY SUDDENLY. A lot of people reviewing my fic __Drive Me Crazy__ felt bad for Hidan, Kisame, Naruto, Tsunade etc. and I don't blame them._

_Those characters got their hearts ripped out._

_Sucks._

_So I decided Sakura's FRESHMEN YEAR might be nice to do, satisfy all the other crack pairing lovers._

R&R plz!

Rated: T

Author: BSC

P.O.V.: Sakura

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 1**

**Angst-B-Gone**

Winter break of freshmen year sucked eggs. Voldemort's eggs. That's extra suckish. My parents were hit and killed by a drunk driver on their way back from a Christmas party. I spent New Year's Eve at a graveyard.

Naruto, my best friend at the time, came with me. He kept an arm wrapped around my shoulders the entire time. He hugged me close while I cried. I considered him a great friend at that time. But friendship can be fragile and worthless. Sorry about that, it sounded so angsty. Hurry up past this first part, reader.

Freezing tears burned my eyes for most of that vacation. Wheee! That was a NEW level of angst! Success. Don't worry, that was just a joke. Everyone's sad when their parents die randomly I just like to make it sound SUPER dramatic.

Okay, angst-tastic section over. Let's get on with this story: The guys.

This all began my freshmen year of high school. All I knew about 'Akatsuki' at the time was that they were a group of outrageously dangerous (not to mention sexy) juniors. They held so much influence that the _seniors_ said nothing to them.

I, personally, thought they were the hottest things I'd seen since I'd lit my popcorn (and microwave) on fire. No one seemed to agree with me… Something about 'convicted criminals' and 'killers' to which I respond with 'yeah, _lady_ killers, have you _seen_ them?!' but I digress.

Normally, I kept that reaction a secret because if my parents found out about my taste in men… I would be shipped to 'The School for Wayward Girls'. It was after New Year's, when school started again, that I realized that was no longer a possibility.

The first day back, during lunch, a series of events would launch and ensue a future I had never even begun to think of as a possibility. Not that I was disappointed with the outcome.

THAT WAS WINTER BREAK, NOW WE GET TO SCHOOL AFTERWARDS

If there were any students in my school that I wanted to _destroy_ right now, it was Rock Lee, a sophomore in my school who proclaimed his love for me on a _daily_ basis.

"Sakura, my love, I heard." He said as solemnly as possible when you were a boy with as much zeal as him.

"Look, Lee, leave her _alone_ already, okay?" Naruto had been my shield from the mourners all day but he was already getting tired from the difficulty of the job and it was only third period.

I, myself, was ready to bludgeon the next person I saw with eyes of fake pity. Naruto, knowing this, was redirecting people and advising them to steer clear. Lee, however, was not getting the picture.

While Naruto was desperately trying to discourage the 'Green Beast of the School's Soccer Team' I spotted Ino and her cronies making a Bee-line for me with Tupperware meals in tow. One of the worst situations I could imagine.

_I FUCKING SMELL THEIR PITY!_

_**BASTARDS!**_

This was the birth of Inner Sakura.

Most of the day went the same.

I went to class and the teachers taught nothing to the students except how to make pathetic attempts at convincing someone you pity them and their situation. I was so sick of it. Even Naruto was getting on my nerves.

I couldn't take it anymore and by fifth period I was ditching with no intention of returning to class or going to lunch. Wandering the halls I considered my options. Rooms were occupied and who ditches in the bathroom anymore? The roof it was!

My winter break reform had done a number on my poor good-girl personality. The poorly locked door that stood in my way fell with dignity. And my newfound sarcasm.

"What the fuck was that shit?" I heard someone on a different part of the roof yell.

Then I heard some footsteps lazily coming over.

I stepped out of the now busted doorframe.

"Well hello, _sexy_." The same voice said again only huskier. He was one of the six famous juniors. Hidan of the Akatsuki. Most memorable trait, he curses. He slicked back his already slicked back silver hair and approached me with the heir of a predator, approaching it's victim.

Even though he was pretty scary right now he was made even more intimidating because he was _hot!_ Every member of Akatsuki was. No one but me seemed to think so though. Most people were too fucking terrified to notice they were goddamn drop dead gorgeous. Plus, back then, I was still nervous around guys. I know, I'm weak.

"Hey," I said, pleased that it sounded more confident than I felt. Despite my inner terror it seemed like I looked pretty normal. I wasn't huddled in a corner or anything at least. This is a step in the right direction.

_**Stop cowering and rape, girl! RAPE!**_

_Uh, no._

Inner Sakura moped and I pushed_ that_ mental disease away.

"Hey, aren't you a sophomore?" A boy popped around the corner whom was easily recognizable, Tobi, the cutest member, donning his eye-patch.

"Freshmen, actually." I corrected trying to avoid his very Naruto-like eager gaze. I tucked some of my hair behind my ear as a distraction.

"Ah, fresh_meat_." This was a rough and deep, rumbling voice and Kisame appeared in my field of vision. Besides the voice you notice a couple of things when you first meet Kisame. Most importantly, he's blue.

I also felt like I was going to pass out, surrounded by hot guys, not to mention the two hottest hadn't even arrived yet.

And as if I had willed it, there they were. Itachi, the dark haired hottie, and Deidara, the blondie with a body.

they were just...

in one word?

Scrumdidileeumptious.

I averted my gaze from racking viciously over they're god given features to my DC sneakers and started to hum.

"Eh? What's wrong?" Kisame asked with a hint of concern and started towards me.

My humming tune changed to 'Blue (Da Ba Dee)' immediately and without my consent. They all heard it and in a second Tobi and Deidara were laughing, Kisame looked both pissed and amused, Itachi was smirking, and Hidan was smiling with the same old 'I'm undressing you with my eyes' look.

I didn't mind, I needed some _positive _attention in my day.

It was kind of surreal after that, the conversation just flowed and twenty minutes later I was being fed lunch by Itachi while Hidan glared discreetly.

Eventually, the end of lunch bell interrupted the meeting, all the guys stood up.

We said a quick goodbye and Tobi gave me a goodbye glomp and all of a sudden I was alone on the roof thinking of how that that was the best lunch of my life. Itachi had good food taste.

LATER

The moment they walked through the empty door frame and back into the school building it was like the magic was lifted and I was back to the same depressed, borderline emo chick of thirty minutes ago. It was only a bit upsetting, but I went on, five minutes of reflecting and delving into memories of hotness were followed by my own departure from the roof and down to swimming class.

I chose not to participate and told the teacher I was feeling light-headed which was only half a lie since eating off the same fork as Itachi Uchiha had left me a bit breathless. I dipped my feet in and watched the others do their laps. After that they had free swim and Naruto came over to my edge to talk.

"Hey, where'd you go?" He asked.

"To the roof," I said, evasively.

He accepted that, no questions asked and we began to talk about normal things like our suspicion that Ino was pregnant and what not.

My thirty minutes of wonderful bliss were over and it seemed life would return to normal. Besides, the seniors were in a different wing of the school than the freshmen, so I would probably not see them again for a while. It wasn't like I was someone they'd come looking for.

It was easy to convince myself of this, I'd never been popular with the guys I actually liked before so it was just normal to dismiss the whole situation as a fluke in fate that would never come again.

_**If only, if only, the freshmen girl cried, the sexy men would just fall from the sky…**_

_Oh, shut up._

_**I'm blue, da ba deed a ba daa…**_

_Ahaha!_

I spent the rest of the day reminiscing and fell asleep wishing I had an iPod.

THE NEXT DAY

The day began as no more than I could expect, fewer people stared, the teachers taught again, and life virtually returned to normal. No sexy delinquents to sweep me off my feet. At least, that's what I had assumed.

So wrong I was.

See, it all began in third period. English class! Kakashi was my teacher and five minutes into the class there was a knock on the door. Kakashi had Sasuke open it. Sasuke, a _former_ crush of mine got up grudgingly, flung the door open then fell backwards in shock. There, in the doorway, stood his older, and _much_ sexier brother, Itachi, whom glared down at Sasuke, as if disgusted. He was flanked by the rest of Akatsuki.

I find that sexy in my men.

"What is it, Itachi?" Kakashi asked after and annoyed sigh.

"We're taking Sakura." Kisame stated simply. Now the entire class was staring between me and them.

"No." Kakashi answered immediately.

"Then we're kidnapping her." Itachi stated.

"Carry on." Kakashi answered immediately.

Hidan and Kisame charged into the room immediately, Hidan picked me up, Kisame grabbed my stuff and we fled. Kids stood up and watched us leave down the hall but they we're no longer staring at me and the guys, they were staring at us. I was in.

END CHAPTER

_Sakura is not, like, super uncaring about her parents, she just is pushing it out of her mind, it'll come up again later._

_Okay, there we go, I have a day off for election day so I came out of my cave to finish this up… it's been in the works since, like, July. This is part 1 of a 3 part series. I'm going out of order, part 2 is already almost done and is listed as __drive me crazy__ on my stories._


	2. Boxer Boyz

_Disclaimer: No proper nouns used in this story are my property nor do I claim rights to them._

_Awww! I posted last night and now I've got 4 favourites, 5 reviews, and 10 alerts! Yay!! Makes me wonder how you people found this story but no matter, I'm just super happy!!_

**Scrumdidileeuptious**

**Chapter 2**

**Boxer Boyz**

Not an exaggeration but the truth: Akatsuki had the best dorm on campus. The room was _huge_. There were 6 beds inside, one for each of them plus an extra. The first five beds were decorated to the person who slept in them so it was easy to tell which was Kisame's based on the shark picture on the nightstand in a 'Mom and Dad' picture frame. The room was also decently clean minus the closet in the back of the room which was bursting with dirty laundry shoved in it.

Deidara noticed me looking. "We had to clean up in a hurry, un." He explained, smirking.

It was the first time he'd spoken directly to me and I noticed just how deep and attractive his voice was. His long blonde hair, in its typical pony tail, and pretty-boy face could be a bit misleading but the voice left no doubt, this was a man. An extremely attractive one at that.

"So… why am I here?" I heard the logical part of my mind ask and I stopped ogling Deidara.

"Initiation," Kisame answered. He was smiling evilly at me.

"Prove yourself and you can be in Akatsuki, Sakura!" Tobi explained excitedly.

_Prove myself? How?_

"How you prove yourself is up to you." Itachi said.

_OMFG! HE READS MINDSSS!!_

"It's a talent." He said.

I looked around to avoid Itachi's mind reading abilities and the rest were all smirking down at me. Damn them and their tallness!! Fine! If they're going to be all smug then I'll play along.

I walked over to the closet, dug, found some folded up hampers, put all the clothes inside and the guys followed me down to the laundry room. One-by-one I checked all the pockets of all the clothes before throwing them in the machine. It took six machines to get all the laundry in. These boys must _hate_ doing their laundry. I finished starting up the sixth machine then took a seat on top of it to count my loot. They followed my example and soon we were all rumbling on the machines. Three-hundred twenty-eight dollars and seventy-two cents. Fools.

"Hm, just as I thought." I stated, quite proud of myself.

"What?" Hidan asked.

"You're all boxer boys." I explained, smiling to myself I leaned against the wall behind my machine. "I think I would have cried if I found a pair of tightie-whities in there. It would be a _waste_ of hotness."

This bold statement of mine was followed by absolute silence on their part. I sat up again to look at them was met with happy, devious smirks.

"So, you find us hot, Sakura?" Itachi asked, amusement dancing in his bottomless red eyes.

"Well, DUH!" I proclaimed. Sometimes I'm a bit too honest in a brutally blunt kind of way.

Then the devious smirks grew and a quick glance in each other's direction confirmed to me that I had… quite possibly made a mistake.

"Why do I suddenly have a very _bad_ feeling?" I asked shrinking into my seat on the washing machine.

"Don't worry, Sakura," Hidan said, vicious predatory smile in place. In one swift movement he leapt off his machine and pinned me to mine, trapping me with his own body pressed close. "We find you hot, too." He whispered huskily, his minty cool breath fanning across my face as he inched closer to my lips.

"Hidan?" I asked, managing to keep the stutter out of my voice but not the quiver.

He smirked, just a hair away from my mouth he switched direction and put his cheek flush against mine, mouth to my ear. "Yes?" he asked.

"It would be _too easy_ for me to kick you in the balls right now," I explained, bluntness revived. He practically _jumped_ back and inwardly, I was smiling in victory.

"Haha," he laughed now that he was out of kicking range, "Strange girl, you are. Shit strange to like Kisame."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!" Kisame demanded, embarrassed.

Luckily for me he was sitting next to me. I felt bad for him since I knew I was probably one of the only people to find someone blue hot. But, hey, what can I say, he's just so awesome!

So I shall defend his honor!!

"You know, Kisame…" I began in a sultry voice, not having any idea where the hell all my confidence was coming from. "Blue is my _favorite_ color." I finished, sliding myself so I was sitting lightly on his lap.

I could _hear_ the unhinging of jaws in the room. Then, one-by-one, they all caught on. Well, all except an exceptionally pissed Hidan.

"Blue may be your favorite _skin_ color but how about _hair _color, un?" Deidara asked. He had been sitting next to Kisame and leaned up to us.

"Hm…" I faked a pondering face while absently running my fingers through a smirking Deidara's hair. "Have to be-" I said, suddenly grabbing a fistful of his hair and thrusting his face right up to mine, "-_blondes_."

"And eye color, Sakura? What's your _favorite_." Itachi asked.

"Red, of course. Although, only one eye is _super_ hot!" I exclaimed giving Tobi a convincing wink.

Hidan was positively _fuming_. Faster than before he _launched_ himself off of his washing machine and in one lightening quick second I was off Kisame's lap, in Hidan's arms, and being devoured by his hot, angry lips. Hidan kissed well but he also kissed _hard_. In seconds I felt my lips bruising and my tongue backing down from the pummeling Hidan was giving it. The edge of the machine he had pushed me against was digging into my back painfully and the hand knotted in my hair was pulling the strands from the scalp brutally.

Every wince and whimper I gave only seemed to encourage him so I raised my hand to push him off of me but his hand that wasn't ripping out my hair reached up and seized my own, bending it back forcefully. I screamed in pain into his mouth and abruptly, as soon as I released the sound, Kisame, biggest of the bunch, ripped Hidan off of me.

Hidan kept staring at me as the others yelled at him, smiling he kept gazing right back into my eyes. Then, even more disturbing:

"You can't sacrifice her to Jashin! Un!" Deidara yelled at him.

"Ja…shin?" I couldn't help asking.

"Hidan is a Jashinist. He believes in sacrifice and pain to please his god, Jashin." Itachi explained expertly, grabbing my damaged wrist to examine it. I looked at it and it looked like a bruise was blooming just beneath the surface. "Tell me if this hurts." Itachi said and rolled my wrist in a circle. When it bent forward immediately pain stabbed at the back of top of my wrist. I hissed in breath unconsciously and they all looked back at me. Did I see worry on their faces?

"You know, you're a real jackass sometimes, Hidan." Kisame said, still having his arms hooked under Hidan's armpits.

"It was so fucking worth it." He said, still smiling drunkenly at me. I couldn't figure out what he was after, sex or a sacrifice?

"Well, it's not broken at least." Itachi ignored Hidan and returned my wrist to me.

_Note to self: find out if Itachi is a doctor._

"I'm not; I've just seen plenty of broken bones."

"I'm going to ignore your mind reading abilities… and the fact that you're insinuating that you break a lot of bones." I told him.

"Good choice." He said, smirking.

_**BEEOOOPPP!!**_

The laundry had, evidently, finished.

I opened the first machine to go off and started putting the clothes in separate dryers.

"Why are you separating them?" Tobi asked shyly.

"Because, Tobi, this is _yours-_" I held up an eye patch, throwing it in a dryer. "-but this is obviously Deidara's." I said, throwing a Pink Floyd T-shirt in a different dryer.

"How can you tell, un?" Deidara asked, amused.

"Size, style, amount of hair gel around the neckline…" I listed the ways, throwing in the last one for a certain sorta enemy sorta extremely hot guy friend who had wiggled his way to the top of 'those who need an ass whopping' list.

They laughed at the jab (except Hidan, of course).

They were a bit mortified when I hit the underwear, though. When I hit the fourth pair of SpongeBob boxers (and my fourth eye brow raise) it seemed Tobi would die from embarrassment. Hidan's boxers were also a joy, while, for the most part, they were dark, solid colors, each and every pair had 'Hidan' written on them in motherly handwriting. Itachi, however, was able to escape embarrassment with all black boxers but just because he looked so smug, every once in a while I would pick out a pair of his and say "Mmm… soft."

The whole make out thing was soon forgotten especially when Deidara's vibrant boxers came to the surface. The night continued like that, topped with several laughs and superficial conversation.

That was… until Naruto came in.

"Eh, Sakura?" he asked sleepily then came to full attention when he saw I wasn't alone. "What are you _doing_ here?"

"…Laundry." I said with purposefully noticeable shifty eyes. "What are _you_ doing here?" I asked to shift focus and looked meaningfully at his laundry-free hands.

"I heard sounds so I came in to make sure there was no gang rape or anything going on." Naruto, as an illogically disliked member of the student body, had no problems with the Akatsuki but he did have problems with boys who liked me. It was becoming increasingly obvious that Naruto was no longer indifferent to their existence and they, in turn, were also turning cold glares on him. Naruto ignored them and looked back to me, then his expression softened. "Sakura…" he began with suddenly extreme gentleness, "why are your lips swollen?"

He looked heartbroken! Immediately my hand flew to my lips in shocked embarrassment. Indeed, they were quite swollen. I was lost for words. What did I say? 'Sorry, Naruto, Hidan made out with me earlier but don't worry, the others ripped him off me so I still fully intend to be friends with them.' That wouldn't go over well.

"What's it to you?" Hidan hissed before I could relocate my voice. Hidan's question confirmed to Naruto that it had been Hidan who had kissed me.

"It has everything to do with me." He responded assuredly, somehow matching Hidan's glare. Already I could feel the electrical friction grinding the air. "She's mine."

"_WHAT?!_" I couldn't help blurting out. What does he mean, 'his'?! "Look, Naruto, I don't like you like that." I told him. Hadn't he realized that earlier? Hadn't I made it clear enough?

"But you like them?!" He countered hotly.

"Well… yeah, I do." I said, not needing much time to calculate this answer.

Naruto cast his glance downward as if I had slapped him. "Sorry about your parents, Sakura." He said and left quickly.

I stared at the door he had left through. That was a low-blow. Well, I'll show him he can't guilt trip me!

"What happened to your parents, Sakura?" Tobi asked after a minutes silence.

I looked over my shoulder at him. "They died last week." I said nonchalantly.

I didn't have much time to dwell on the rift with Naruto because the next day supplied a stronger tie to the Akatsuki. Sasori and Zetsu transferred in.

END CHAPTER

_Well, there we go. Whew. I'm happy! I liked this chapter, lots of emotions. If you're wondering where inner sakura is, the original sakura hasn't received enough mental stress for inner sakura to be born yet. She will happen soon._


	3. Cue Sasori

_Yeah… Inner Sakura cropped up only once so far because the real traumas of her life to come haven't fully occurred yet._

_Here we go!_

_Disclaimer: No proper nouns used in this story are my property nor do I claim rights to them._

**Scrumdidileeuptious**

**Chapter 3**

**Cue Sasori**

After the incident in the laundry room I hung out with the Akatsuki a bit longer but as the awkward tension left behind from Naruto's outburst and my admission grew I eventually left after folding their clothes.

I found myself stumbling to my dorm room, a double I shared with Tenten (a junior who loves martial arts and weapons), at about one in the morning. When I entered I found her making out with her boyfriend, Neji, on her bed. I stepped out, ready to gag, before they noticed I had intruded.

_Where to go, where to go?_ I wondered, meandering the halls.

I decided that Naruto was _definitely_ out of the question. After the shit he had pulled a few hours ago I was not going to come crawling back to him. I would not give him that satisfaction. I wandered around aimlessly, changing directions and turning when it suited me, headless of where I was going. Eventually my feet lead me to a flight of stairs and I went down, returning to the ground floor. The school was set up so that all the boys dorms were on one half of the elaborate, castle like building and all the girls were on the other half, the right side, to be precise.

The only way to get to the other half was to be on the ground floor. As I headed to the left side of the building I pondered over the idea of going to the Akatsuki's room. I agonized over the thought of knocking on the door only to find that on the other side the only one awake would be Hidan and he would silence me with a piece of duct tape. From there my mind formed three paths. Path one: he'd have his way with me. Path two: he'd sacrifice me to Jashin-sama. Path three: he'd welcome me sadistically, he'd have his way with me, and then he'd sacrifice me painfully to Jashin-sama.

These paths did not make me happy so I tried to cheer myself up with other random musings.

Path one: It would be just Itachi awake on the other side and he'd whisk me up to the roof where we'd talk/make-out until morning when we'd sneak back to our respective rooms and spend the rest of the school year having a secret love affair.

Path two: It'd be Deidara awake, and we'd go out and have a good, drunken, making-out time on the town. Followed by the same ending scenario as Path one.

Path thr-

Because I was off being a space cadet with my random thoughts I'd accidentally bumped into a wall. I stumbled back but still in a haze I lost my footing and fell before a pair of strong arms caught me just before I hit the ground. I realized the arms belonged to the 'wall' which turned out to be this extremely attractive redhead.

The boy had the most fantastic coppery eyes nestled, a bit sunken and constantly dancing with a glint of mischief, into a young face topped with scarlet locks. Next to him was another boy, taller than the redhead, who seemed to possess a serious demeanor despite his outrageous green hair. It might have been the lighting in the gloomy corridor but it also seemed like one side of his face was maybe, just maybe, a darker shade then the other.

"Uh… hello." I said to the redhead.

"Hi," he said seductively.

"I'm Sakura." I said, as if his husky voice had willed this response out of me.

"I'm Sasori." He answered. Finally, he stood me upright but he kept holding one of my hands and he loomed a little closer than needed, easily towering over me. "Do you happen to know the Akatsuki?"

I didn't wonder over this question, immediately answering with a happy "Yea," and a brilliant smile.

He smirked at my easy reaction and loomed ever closer. He bent over slightly, his hips retreating away from mine but his face coming ever closer. He put his hands, warm and strong, on my shoulders, leaning in so that his lips were so close to my ear that I could feel his cool breath. "And do you know where their room is, my dear?"

I swallowed, not trusting my voice to give a response without breaking or sounding too high. I took a deep breath through my nose and tried to relax. "Room 627." I answered, finally.

"Is that right?" he asked. I nodded, staring once more into the copper eyes. "Well, I'm on my way up there, so why don't you escort me there, since I don't exactly know my way around."

I didn't have the effort to refuse, captivated by his eyes. His attentions were making me dizzy. I faced the other one and nodded. I began walking to the elevator and Sasori followed predatorily behind me while the other one trailed farther behind, uninterested and perhaps a bit lazy.

Once inside, I hit the button for floor six and the circle lit up a glowing orange beneath the pad of my index finger. I stepped back as the green haired boy belatedly joined me and Sasori in the elevator. I shoved myself into the corner of the lift, for it was the most comfy to lean against, and Sasori, who seemed to have developed a habit of making me feel uncomfortable, squeezed in right beside me.

_Awkward._

_**But he's hot.**_

…_touché._

There was this thing about Sasori's face, a sort of narcissistic pride that gave off this feel that I could sum up in three sentences.

'Yeah, _make me._'

'I'd like to see you try.'

And…

'Aww, that's cute, you think I _care_.'

I looked over to the green haired boy who was staring, bored, at the LED screen that displayed the floor we were on, tracking our slow progress.

"What's your name?" I asked him.

He looked at me, like I had just shown up. Either he was really spacey or he just wasn't used to a lot of attention. "Zetsu." He finally answered in monotone, still looking at me like I was some alien being.

"That's a cool name." I said, smiling at him. In the florescent lights of the lift I could see that I had been right and that the left side of his face was actually _much_ darker than the right, as if he'd only tanned the left side over the summer. The perverted, and growing, side of my mind wondered how far along that tan line continued for.

Zetsu's 'you're an alien' look intensified at my smile and Sasori got one too, looking at me as if I was the first person to ever talk to Zetsu. Then his look turned to a smirk. "I think we're gonna get along, Sakura." He said, swinging a strong arm around my shoulder and pulling me closer into his side.

Now, as close as I was to him, I finally smelled the beer on him. He was _drunk, _was that why he was hitting on me? He also smelled like sandalwood and vanilla, the whole thing combining for an intoxicating, addictive smell. I whiffed it up greedily for I'd never smelled something so good. It made me slightly dizzy.

"You smell good." I told him, slurring slightly.

He chuckled at the compliment.

Finally, the elevator dinged and the doors slid open on the sixth floor. We stepped out and I turned left immediately, knowing exactly where the room was since I'd been a fan of the sexy Akatsuki all year and had just been there a few hours ago.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Sasori and Zetsu exchange an eyebrow raise at my confident sense of direction. "This way," I said to lead them forward and they followed obediently.

We reached the room quickly, it wasn't far, and I pointed to the door. "Akatsuki's room," I told them.

Sasori slid up to my side, put his arm around my shoulders again, spun us to fully face the door, and lifted his leg. In one amazing kick the door tumbled loudly to the floor, no doubt waking everyone inside, and most of the tenants on the floor, up.

"Guess who got kicked out of his high school!" Sasori yelled drunkenly, throwing his free arm in the air in celebration.

"You're drunk, un!" Deidara growled angrily, looking up from his place on the floor and throwing a pillow at Sasori that hit him straight in the face.

Sasori didn't seem to care.

"Guess who got a girlfriend!" He said, pulling me closer so I was in full view.

"She's not your girlfriend!" Kisame said in a mocking sing-song voice.

"Huh? Oh yeah!" He said, coming to a realization and looking down at me. "Sakura, wanna be my girlfriend?"

Before I could even _try_ to think of a response I felt someone hugging me around the neck, pressing his entire body against mine, resting his chin on my head. "She's taken." Hidan growled possessively.

"Ohoho, sorry, Hidan, I didn't realize." Sasori answered, not at all intimidated but retracting his arm all the same.

I grimaced and tried to push him off of me but I wasn't having much luck until, amazingly, a foot came up and kicked Hidan in the face from behind me. Hidan flew off and I turned to see Zetsu putting his foot back down, careful not to hit my head as he retracted it.

I ogled just a little bit, unable to shake the thought that might have been one of the hottest things I've ever seen.

_**That's what I call a MAN!**_

I saw Tobi waving a hand in front of my face but I couldn't stop focusing on Zetsu.

"Great, of course she'd fall for Zetsu!" Kisame complained.

I spun around to face Kisame. "Don't you know," I began, throwing myself into his arms, "that you're the only blue boy for me?" I finished.

Kisame chuckled his deep rumbling chuckle that was always a bit raspy, and I clung tighter to him.

"Okay, okay, that's enough, un." Deidara said, forcefully detaching my person from Kisame's.

Deidara was a bit different from the rest, I hadn't come on to him in anyway, joking or not, and he had returned the favor. It was weird, especially because he was absolutely gorgeous. Due to the fact that he had just been sleeping his hair was down, instead of in the customary pony tail. Hi hair flowed around his shoulders, the combed over bangs tousled, farming around his flawless face, whose beauty is only taken away from by the spectacular blue orbs.

_**I think our heart just melted…**_

Deidara released me and I stumbled away from him, in shock at his hotness. I ended up backing into Zetsu who looked down at me curiously.

"I'm... tired." I told him.

I closed my eyes and felt myslf drifting off. It'd been a long day.

-endchapter-


	4. Cat Nappin'

_Um, yeah, THIS TOOK WAY TOO LONG, I'M SO SORRY!! I award your patience with a super-duper long chapter!_

_Disclaimer: Have you SEEN my fics? I OBVIOUSLY don't own Naruto._

**Scrumdidileeuptious**

**Chapter 4**

**Cat Nappin'**

I woke up slowly, feeling like I'd just slept the best sleep of my life. Well, at least until I received the shock of my life when I opened my eyes. I was staring directly at a perfectly sculpted bare chest. I followed the contours of this heavenly body up to the mischievous face of Sasori. He smirked at me.

"'Morning, beautiful," He said.

I recoiled, not quite remembering all of what had happened the night before, and bumped into a body just behind me. This body was also shirtless and sculpted by a God that wanted me to die blushing. He had arms wrapped around my waist and as I couldn't fully turn around I saw one arm was much more tanned than the other. This was definitely Zetsu.

"'Morning," I responded.

"Did you sleep well?" Sasori asked, smirking at me.

"Mm," I said, nodding, knowing sleep wanted to claim me once more. I closed my eyes and covered my mouth with my hand as I gave a giant yawn. "I'm hungry." I informed him.

"The others went to get breakfast, they should be back soon." He told me, smirk still in place, reaching up to brush a bit of my hair away from my face.

"Does their being gone have anything to do with you and Zetsu being in bed with me?" I asked him, already suspicious of everything he did.

He smirked; his wide eyes looked slightly crazy. "Well, they wouldn't let us anywhere near you. Hidan was particularly protective."

"And the second they leave you weasel your way into bed with me." I concluded.

"Well, 'weaseling' is something we leave for Itachi. It was more of a slinking move."

"Was the shirtless-ness really necessary?" I asked him.

"No, it fucking was _not_," said a new, angry voice. Hidan had returned.

Immediately, Sasori and Zetsu rolled off the bed as Hidan leaped onto it. He stumbled and fell on me, crushing my happy sleepy feeling and perhaps my right arm.

"Ow!" I yelled as he got up. I cradled my arm with the other arm's hand and looked at it for signs of bruising and/or breakage.

Hidan looked at me concernedly but he wasn't about to apologize, he had way too much pride. Instead, he settled on hovering over me on his hands and knees. Then, finally, I realized a necklace dangling right in front of my face from his neck. I caught it automatically and examined it. It was a metal circle with an upside-down triangle in the middle.

"Awesome!" I said, because it was, for some reason, very cool to me. He looked relieved and shocked by this outburst. He opened his mouth to say something but I couldn't help but cut him off. "I'm hungry," I said brightly.

Just then a green lunch tray, no doubt stolen from the school cafeteria, came flying across the room, hitting Hidan directly in the head. In a magnificent arch I'd only seen in slow-motion anime scene, he flew across the room and crashed to the floor, effectively unconscious.

I watched Hidan's epic failure with carefully contained glee. I composed my face to look like I was merely viewing a mildly interesting television program and not the most hysterical thing ever. After it was completely clear that Hidan wasn't going to resurface from behind the bed he had flown over any time soon, I turned to the rest of the guys questioningly, wondering who had such excellent aim. Suspiciously enough, Deidara was looking out the window while humming innocently and rocking on the balls of his feet, and all the others were staring at him in either open mouthed surprise or smirking admiration.

I was about to offer him my gratitude, and maybe even a 'congratulations' on kicking Hidan ass; however, my comment was cut off by a glance at a clock that I spotted out of the corner of my eye. Now, three facts about school are ever present in my mind: I get good grades, I'm never late, and homeroom starts at 7:35. Also, these three facts held true at the time: my homeroom is a good ten minute power walk away, all my school things were in the classroom I'd been kidnapped from the day before, and that classroom was a good _twenty_ minute power walk away (plus in the opposite direction of my homeroom). Imagine my shock when, in red, digital numbers, I read a big fat ugly 7:28am.

I screamed in horror and vaulted off the bed and rocketed my sorry, late ass into the bathroom to get ready.

_No, no, no, not TODAY! This will not be the day I massacre my spotless, absent-less, tardy-less record! NOT. TODAY._

One look at my hair in the mirror told me there was no chance left for it unless I took a shower that instant. I argued against the matted, greasy mess for a minute but after three seconds indecision I was ripping my clothes off, dropping them on the floor, and practically throwing myself into the shower before the water could even heat up. This was a mistake on my part.

I was thrown into the midst of _Axe Body Wash for Men_, _Men's Gillette Fusion_, _Men's Expert Power Clean Anti-Dullness Face Wash_, and other such titles. Seeing as I had absolutely no choice I exited the shower stall a record three minutes later smelling utterly and completely of dude. I looked down at the floor, hiccupping about how I smelled like hot guys when I spotted a black, fluffy towel folded there conveniently. I shrugged and smiled and began to towel dry myself. I was squeegee-ing my hair when I realized.

_**Weren't our clothes on the floor?**_

I looked back to the floor where I'd picked up the towel. My clothes were gone. My bra and underwear were still there, thank god, but my outfit had been replaced. I picked up the foreign garments for closer inspection.

_Aw, hell no._

Hell yes, apparently, for there were no other clothes in the whole bathroom (just more guy products) and the black towel wasn't big enough to cover all of me that needed to be covered. I had no choice but to shuffle out of the bathroom a few hesitant moments later in the offending outfit. The top was a punk-pink corset style that went well with my hair and it had black ties and many, seemingly random and quite large, cut outs so it only barely covered what needed to be covered and not much else. Then, of course, there was the skirt. It was a miniscule, puffy, black object that I was sorely tempted to rip to shreds. Yet, as we can't forget, there was one redeeming quality. The black shoes, which were the most decent part of the outfit, covered the most skin.

When I grudgingly exited Itachi was looking at me with vague, sadistic approval while the rest looked amused and horny.

"Okay," I interjected, determined to tear the eyes off my chest, to which they slowly complied, "what the _fuck_?"

"Initiation, phase two," Kisame explained sounding like this was his favorite part of any initiation ever and his eyes had already slid south once more.

I glared menacingly but all I got in return was a pointy toothed grin and a 'can't blame me' shrug.

"Don't look so angry, kitty!" Tobi entered the conversation with his usual flare for the insane. "You're our class pet today, so you _have_ to be friendly!"

"Class…" I turned to glare full force at my closest enemy, Sasori, who didn't seem perturbed at all. "PET?!"

"Deal with it," he said, smirking as if asking me to retaliate. He then reached into an open duffle bag at foot of the bed next to him while I tried not to punch him. He pulled out a collar, a leash, and a pair of black cat ears.

_**Hell, fucking, NO.**_

"If you're a good girl and do it nicely, I'll give you a hug," Kisame suggested, smirking evilly.

_**Hell YES.**_

I considered for a moment. I mean, hey, what consequences were there for a girl with no parents? Nothing was holding me down. And, c'mon, who doesn't want to hug a hot guy when he offers? I wonder which of those body washes he uses…

But, then again, what about the embarrassment and humiliation I would suffer from walking around all day dressed as a slutty kitty?

Well, if I were in Akatsuki, no one else's opinion mattered.

What about my dignity?

Fuck dignity, I need hot guy hugs.

"Give me the ears." I said, eyeing Kisame like a dog eyes a treat, and I held out my hand for the ears.

"That fucking worked?!" Hidan demanded, finally awake again as I placed the ears on my head. "I'll give you a good fucking – I mean hug – for free, dammit!" He offered.

Knowing full well at that point that Hidan had no comprehension of the words 'stop, I don't like you', I turned to glare at him. "_You_ aren't blue." I criticized.

Hidan gave an indignant gasp while the others sputtered with laughter and Kisame looked like it was his birthday, he was smiling so widely. I was laughing so hard at Hidan's expression that I didn't notice Sasori slip the collar around my neck. I turned back to Kisame. "Can I get the hug in advance?" I asked eagerly.

Kisame shrugged awkwardly and I leapt at him, for if he was offering a hug I was taking advantage of the situation and getting in a good glomp, but Sasori yanked on my leash and I nearly chocked, not to mention I lost my perfect glomping position. I fell to the floor on my ass and turned to glare at Sasori who was looking at me amused.

"If you hug him now, then you won't be a good kitty the rest of the day."

"You're really getting into this cat thing aren't you?" I muttered angrily but before he could catch all that I said frantically "I'll be a good kitty, just let me get some Kisame huggage! I need blue man huggage to survive!" I bargained._ A/N: 'Huggage' is a word of Sakura's own creation that simply means hugging._

"Aw, that's cute, you think I _care_." He smirked even more evilly and I was shocked to see that I was completely right about his personality. A _**sexy**_ (inner Sakura, threw that in there) sarcastic, narcissistic, evil bastard with a flair for the sadistic. He was a red-headed Hidan with less hormones and religious affiliations. "Be a good kitty, or you won't get to hug Kisame at all and instead we'll just lock you in the bathroom with Hidan over night."

I chanced a horror-struck glance at Hidan who looked as if he would appreciate nothing more than for me to be a 'bad kitty' and then Kisame who looked like he needed my huggage as much as I wanted his. I glared at Sasori, anger renewed. "Meow." I… erm… meowed would be the proper verb here, right? But angrily meowed all the same! It was an angry meow!

"Good kitty," Sasori said, this glint in his eyes that made me want to jump off a bridge, and he began pulling me out the door with the leash.

"I'm still hungry~!" I complained but no one seemed to care.

-Mission: Don't be a bad kitty-

We entered a classroom I'd never seen before (as I'd never been in the junior's section of the building before) and at the board stood the strictest and scariest teacher in the whole school. He had sleek, jet black hair, the palest complexion, and these snake-ish golden eyes. He had makeup around his eyes to make them look even more slanted and snake-like than they already were but I didn't think it was ever really necessary, what, with the slit pupil and all, he was creepy enough.

His name was Orochimaru and he had a really bad reputation around school for being strict and, apparently, gay. I couldn't blame the students for this assumption because in florescent lighting he looked like Snape and Voldemort's love child that never got to happen. However, one look at him, and I could tell. Dim the lights, sit the guy at the bar, muss a bit of his hair in his face, have him slouch and then look up at you from beneath his eye lashes?

He'd look like the cockiest, most dangerous gothic teenager you'd ever lay eyes on. But, I digress. He wore a black shirt with a deep purple silk tie and then his slacks, belt, and shoes were also his uniform black, making his skin stand out with frightening contrast. He didn't look away from what he was writing on the chalkboard when we entered but instead said something to us.

"Nice of you to finally join – _is that a freshman?!_" He had caught me out of the corner of his eyes.

I flinched as he rounded on me. "Meow?" I offered hopefully and he merely rolled his eyes and returned to writing on the chalkboard. Hidan, who was now holding the leash (much to his joy and happiness), dragged me to the back of the classroom where the guys took the only seats available leaving me standing and everybody else in the class staring.

I was also still tired and hungry but the hunger wasn't going away anytime soon. I decided my only option was to find the comfiest lap and get some more shut eye. Kisame was the biggest Akatsuki member (plus I still owed him huggage) so I assumed he had the comfiest lap and promptly plopped my partially covered butt in his lap and snuggled into his warm chest with a soft "meow" and closed my eyes.

-Comfy Fishy Man-

When I woke up it appeared no one but Kisame himself was happy about me falling asleep in his lap. Jealousy made its way around the group and they decided that if I were to sleep on someone's lap during second period, it had to be someone other than Kisame. Kisame looked sad that he'd be excluded from the lap-sleeping for the rest of the day, and I was sure there was no way I would be able to sit through junior classes all day when I wanted so much more sleep.

In their second class it was clear I'd have no desk of my own again and I'd need a new place to sleep (btw, I was right, Kisame's lap was _way_ comfy). I didn't want to pick a new lap out of the Akatsuki because then Kisame would think I had just been using him (I didn't want him to think this, even if it was completely true). Kisame was pushed up against his desk, lap completely out of view, but the rest of the Akatsuki members were sitting abnormally far away from their desks, laps in plain sight, all looking mildly hopeful. I, finally, made up my mind after the suggestion came from Inner Sakura.

While the rest of the class stared at me and the teacher just droned on and the Akatsuki lounged in their seats looking hot I hoisted myself onto Tobi's desk and lay sideways across all of their desks. It wasn't nearly as comfy as Kisame's lap but I didn't care. The teacher's droning was my lullaby and I was asleep in minutes.

-Not So Comfy Desks-

When I woke up I was not where I remembered falling asleep. As it turns out, I had rolled over in my sleep and, conveniently, ended up lying across all seven Akatsuki laps. I burst out laughing when I saw all of them were staring down at whichever part of me was in their lap, sweating slightly, looking like he was holding his breath. They all turned to glare at me, except Tobi who looked like he'd just been told he was a 'bad boy'.

"Serves you right!" I laughed at them. Zetsu was looking the most uncomfortable, as my ass was in his lap and I suddenly realized the reason I'd woken up. I'd gone from lying on seven stiff desks, to seven comfy laps, to seven stiff bulges in seven different pairs of pants. "Ah! Pork sword alert!" I yelled and flipped myself out of their laps and right back onto the desks and then, accidentally, right onto the floor on the other side.

_**That hurt.**_

_Suck it up._

Suddenly, someone was tugging on my leash and I was sliding on my ass across the floor. I looked behind me and found that Zetsu was pulling me along with no difficulty at all and the rest of the guys were following him out of the classroom, twenty minutes before the class was set to end. I rolled my eyes at their lack of interest in education and allowed myself to be dragged along.

Well, until I saw where we were going: the boys bathroom. I screamed and clawed at the floor.

"No, no, no!! Not in there! Not in there! It smells like gay in there!!" I screeched, loud enough for every person in the school to hear. They paid no mind and continued to drag me. I caught the frame and closed my eyes with my dramatic tears. "Noooo!!"

Sometime during the trip, Hidan had gotten control of the leash and he was tugging on it, nearly choking me. "Yeah, well, kitty needs to take fucking responsibility!" He yelled and I blinked, falling silent. Surely, he didn't mean…?

"It's your fault for having penises!!" I blamed him.

"It's your fucking fault for putting on that fucking outfit!" He countered, still tugging.

"It's your fault for being sexy enough to seduce me into wearing it!" I told him, still struggling.

"Jus fucking-" he tugged harder than ever, "give up-" I was losing my oxygen supply, over here… "_al-__**fucking-READY!**_"

My grip on the door frame was lost and I careened into the _boys… bathroom…_

And after flying about three yards into the boys' bathroom I flew right into Kisame, knocking him off his feet so I was straddling his chest on the bathroom floor. I looked down at his blue skin, his darker blue hair, now mussed after the fall, and his shocked, gorgeous golden eyes. His perfect pectoral muscles flexed beneath me, and I immediately forgot my anger.

_He's… so… goddamn… RIPPED!_

_**RAPE, GIRL, RAPE HIM NOW, WHILE HES NOT EXPECTING IT AND STILL HAS A BONER!**_

I was pondering this option while examining Kisame's partially visible pointy teeth that only egged me and Inner Sakura on, when, out of nowhere, these perverted and deeply illegal thoughts were ass whooped out of my mind by a majorly more important factor.

"I'm still hungry…" I stated after my stomach gave a growl big enough to make Itachi flinch. The hunger pain was quite intense and I wanted breakfast and I didn't want to be in the boys' bathroom, and I _really_ wanted Kisame and it was all too much. I pulled out the best weapon a girl will ever have in her arsenal. I began to cry. Yes, right there on Kisame's chest, surrounded by sex gods, in the boys' bathroom, I cried these big, fake, 'give-me-food-now-or-I-won't-shut-up' tears with dramatic wailing and eye rubbing.

-"Fuck, no, don't fucking _cry_!"-

"Open the fuck up! She's gonna fucking die of fucking starvation in a fucking minute, you godamn, fucking, sadistic bitches!" Hidan yelled, pounding on the cafeteria door. Tobi had piggy-backed me there as they all raced to get me food. I found it hysterically ironic that _Hidan_ was calling the lunch ladies 'sadistic', though I didn't let them know that, as I was still fake crying on Tobi's back, and my stomach was countering my racket with growling to wake the dead.

The cafeteria door was like that of a garage. After a few more shouts from Hidan, supported by additional shouting from the rest of Akatsuki, the door lifted an inch and a package of Pop Tarts slip out to greet us. Feeling that this was like feeding a hungry lion a grain of sand, I leaped at the small package and stuffed in none-too-girlishly down my throat. After this food was in my stomach I sighed happily, lay down on the linoleum floor, and fell asleep once more.

-"I guess I'll be the one to carry her this time, then."-

I woke up in the Akatsuki's dorm hours later feeling exhausted, drained, and hollow. I was still hungry, as I'd never had dinner the night before, no breakfast, and as it appeared it was already at least five, no lunch either. Three meals skipped… Fuck.

I didn't even want to crane my neck to see who was in the room because it seemed like the effort would only serve to increase my hunger. I soon realized that this idea was totally ridiculous. I turned my head on the pillow and saw, to my great surprise, Sasuke Uchiha, sitting on the bed next to the one I was lying on, looking at me bored-ly.

"Naruto wouldn't stop wailing today about how he'd been such a possessive jerk last night when he found you in the laundry room," Sasuke complained, glaring at me like it was my entire fault (was not!). "He asked me to come and ask if there was any chance of you forgiving him." He drawled on, before I could ask. "The others all went to get food for you for when you woke up. They told me to look after you." He looked like looking after me was the biggest pain in the ass since butt rape was founded. "They also asked me to tell you that they weren't planning anything weird when they dragged you to the boys' bathroom earlier and that they just wanted to talk privately."

"Oh," was all I could say as my muddled, starved mind mulled over all this new information. I was barely entering the realm of comprehension when the sense got confused out of me once more but yet another unforeseen and completely strange series of events occurred.

First, the Akatsuki returned, bearing trays of food. Next, Itachi spotted Sasuke. Sasuke then seemed to sense Itachi's gaze on his back and flinched then stiffened. Finally, Itachi shoved his tray of food into Kisame who carried it for him and leapt across the room with the scariest, biggest smile on his face I'd ever seen, and he was hugging Sasuke right before my very eyes.

_**I thought they hated each other…**_

Sasuke looked disgusted but looking at Itachi's serene, happy face left no doubt in my mind.

_**Damn, we were shit wrong.**_


	5. Midnight Lockdown

_Updating instead of doing my homework, bow to my procrastination!!_

_Disclaimer: I wish, I wish, but who the hell am I foolin'? It ain't mine!!_

**Scrumdidileeuptious**

**Chapter 5**

**Midnight Lockdown**

"Sasuke…" Itachi said it. The name. The _name_. In a purr! Itachi was purring the name! The name of the one boy everybody thought he hated! My lord, what has happened?

_**It's the apocalypse! Run for your livesss!**_

"This is… scary." I finally said.

"I agree." Sasuke growled, now trying to pry Itachi away from his person. He didn't look surprised, though. Just annoyed. I looked over at the rest of the guys for guidance but they were completely ignoring the situation and eating already.

I glared at their nonchalance.

"I told you already, Itachi, not in school!" Sasuke hissed at his older brother, trying to wiggle out of his brother's vice like hug.

"None of your friends are here, so I don't have to pretend anymore. It is only here, in the sparse hours of aloneness, that I am free to display my brotherly love for you!" Itachi declared with such over-exaggerated movements that he accidentally threw Sasuke to the floor as he stood up with a fist pump.

"Ow?" Sasuke said from the floor. It was a moment later that he realized this was a huge mistake. Itachi turned on him, eyes gleaming with freshly shed tears, looking at the blooming lump on Sasuke's head (he's hit the corner of a cabinet).

Itachi then gasped, threw a bed aside for what appeared to be no reason in particular, and knelt, sobbing, at his brother's side. "Sasuke! Who did this to you?!" Then the concern disappeared from his face and it was the slightly intimidating Itachi I knew, his face cast into shadow. "_I'll kill whoever is responsible._"

"It was your fault. Kill yourself." Sasuke said emotionlessly.

Itachi went wide eyed, stood up, whipped out a knife from nowhere and held it to his neck, throwing his chin in the air. "Anything for you, dear brother of mine!"

"Now, now, Itachi, no reason for that, un!" Deidara said, suddenly on the scene. He gripped the knife at Itachi's throat and tried to pry it from Itachi's fingers.

"If it is what Sasuke wants…" Itachi persisted, resisting Deidara.

Deidara turned to glare at Sasuke.

"Drop the knife, Itachi." Sasuke drawled with a shrug.

Itachi blinked away his tears and beamed at his little brother. He dropped the knife.

It stabbed Deidara's foot.

"FUCKING SHIT!!!" Deidara screamed in pain, staring at his mutilated foot in disbelief.

"Okay, then! That's enough playtime today, don't you think, Sasuke?!" Kisame said, sort of hysterically, pushing Sasuke out of the room.

"Whatever." He said before they slammed the door after him.

I bent down, slowly, reached for the knife, and pulled it out of Deidara's foot. It was covered in blood.

_**This can't be happening…**_

"Deidara… holy shit…" I whispered, backing away.

Deidara looked sadly at hit foot as it bled all over the floor. Then, he looked back up at me and smiled halfheartedly. That look nearly brought tears to my eyes. He took a step towards me, raised his hand, and stroked my hair.

"Shh, it's okay, un."

"Deidara…" I said, leaning in to his deep, soothing voice.

"Sakura…" he answered, bringing his hot, muscular body closer.

My eyes glided closed and I didn't know why and I couldn't explain it if I tried. I blame that intoxicating scent of his. I'm pretty sure I'd used his body wash this morning.

"Sakura!" He said again, a little urgently.

I opened my eyes and saw Deidara looking at me fearfully. He was lying on a bed and I was on top of him, very, very close to his face.

"It was a dream… wasn't it?" I asked, deadpanning.

He just nodded as I sat up straighter, now just straddling his waist.

"Huh…" I wondered. I looked at the ceiling thoughtfully. This was my first alone time with Deidara. To be honest, I hadn't felt all that attracted to him yet but he was definitely the closest to my ideal type amongst the Akatsuki. Funny, mellow, and cutely sexy. He smelled good, his hair was awesome, I heard he was a bit of a pyro with a love of sculpting and explosives. His blue eyes held the depth of the sky. Come to think of it, he might be so fucking awesome but the glare of the other Akatsuki members cast him into shadows as he hadn't vied for my attention yet.

I looked back down at him and he was starting to play with the strands of my long pink hair bored as if a girl straddling his waist was no big deal.

_**Damn, he's cool. I like him. Fuck, I want him.**_

And I did. Like a little girl wants Barbie's dream house and tickle-me Elmo's, I wanted Deidara. I wanted his attention, and I wanted his everything. He was gorgeous and out of my league and there was no doubt in my mind that he was messing with me. And I never wanted him to stop toying with my hair or my heart. He was captivating…

"Huh." I repeated, totally caught off guard with this uprising of affection towards Deidara. "What exactly happened?" I decided to ask.

"You passed out from hunger after raping those pop tarts so we brought you back here. I was watching you while you slept and the guys went to go get food, un." He explained nonchalantly but then looked right into my eyes. "Then you started muttering. You grabbed my arm and pulled me to the bed in your sleep. You kept saying my name, un." He went on and pushed himself up on his elbows so his lips were at my ear. "What kind of dream were you having, Sa-ku-ra? Un?"

Oh, well then. So he's messing with me? Well, then, two can play that game. "Shall I give a demonstration?" I asked devilishly, moving my face closer to his.

"Why not, yeah?" He asked. He looked calm but expectant.

I leaned past his face to his ear and whispered. "Well, then, we'll need a knife so I can stab your foot with it."

It worked and he scrambled away clumsily, falling off the bed and looking at me fearfully. "What kind of sick dream were you having, un?!"

"What? Just the regular kind of dream. What were you thinking something perverted?" I ask him innocently, all wide eyes and head cock. He opens and shuts his mouth several times, succeeding in looking like a fish. I smile at him gleefully and mercilessly.

Perfect timing the door opens and in stomps Hidan. I glomp him, sit on his chest, and sing:

"Deidara is a pervert! Deidara is a pervert! Deidara is a pervert and Hidan is really comfy!" With arm movements, swaying, and everything.

The rest of the Akatsuki file in and stare at me with the proper understanding of my psychotic nature.

"I'm not a pervert! Un!" Deidara debates, finally standing up to glare at me.

"Yea right! I have a dream about Itachi stabbing you in the foot and you think it's something perverted! You're a pervert!" I reason and repeat my song.

Finally I stop to observe Hidan. He was looking at me, almost as if he was calculating something. I could tell he was thinking something evil. He was planning it. It was in his eyes. I could _smell_ it. That's right. I _smell_ his evil.

Suspicious, I slowly got off of him and stood up, having eyes only for the solitary tray of food Tobi was carrying. Suddenly, Hidan leaped up as well, seizing the dinner I so longed for. He turned to me, fully reeking of evil plot. Without a word he turned and ran out the door.

"You _BASTARD!_" I yelled after him and gave chase. The others did not follow. As I passed windows in the hallway I presumed it was _very_ late at night. Soon, the school will be shutting down. Hidan rounded a corner and I followed. He seemed to run for at least five minutes and sometimes I would catch him checking his cell phone for the time as he dashed easily ahead of me.

Finally he raced into the elevator and I put on the last bit of speed I had left to slip in _just_ as the doors were closing. He hit the ground level button as I leaned against the wall, panting. As I gasped for air the elevator began its slow progression downwards.

Until, suddenly, it stopped. It shuddered, quivered, once then halted completely. The lights went out, the sound of electric locks triggering went off, and we were plunged into impenetrable darkness. "School shuts down at midnight." Hidan explained and he now was covered in the smell on evil. He flipped his phone open and I read the big 12:00 on his screen, the background being a picture of the same symbol on his necklace.

I try to stay mad at him but I'm too hungry. I reach for the food in the dim glow of his phone but he pulls it away.

"Nope. Now why the fuck should I let you have any of this food without something in return?" he said viciously. "C'mon, Sakura. Persuade me. We're fucking stuck in here for the next five hours."

_Whoo! That was fffuuunnn! Yes, I made Hidan sadistic again. I miss his evil. And Sakura's ability to smell a person's feelings. Whee. Oh, and don't worry. We're almost to the playdoh part!_


	6. Save a Plant, Eat a Vegetarian

_Pushing away five term papers to write this!_

_Disclaimer: I suddenly find me being the proud owner of 73 packs of Stride gum but I don't own Naruto…_

**Scrumdidileeuptious**

**Chapter 6**

**Save a Plant, Eat a Vegetarian**

Hidan… had lured me into an elevator… with food… and now we're trapped… for five hours.

Oh, and Hidan is horny and I've got a crush on Deidara.

Hidan leans into me and his masculine scent is so overpowering I feel faint, falling against the wall, onto the floor and Hidan took full advantage of the situation. He straddled my legs and I was hopeless, dizzy with hunger. His smirk was vicious as he leaned in and captured my lips with his own.

This being my second kiss with him, I was more prepared. Although I was pathetically tired and I was pretty sure I didn't want this, when Hidan's tongue entered my mouth, aggressive as expected, my tongue was fighting back with as much passionate aggression.

_What about Deidara…?_

_**Deidara who?**_

His right hand found my hair and fisted it tight as if I was going to pull away. His left hand had found the hem of my shirt, pushed it up, and was now gripping my bare side like the warm flesh was his new high. His tongue suddenly overcame mine and I couldn't help the pleased moan.

Hidan seemed to take the gritted sound as a further invitation. His tongue retreated and his lips left mine. I pouted at the loss, almost protested, when his lips reunited with the sensitive skin on my neck. The gentleness of the kiss he left just below my jaw caused me to gasp. He smirked and moved further south, biting or kissing softly, causing me to shiver. Then, at the neckline of the slutty shirt he stopped.

He shifted positions, spreading my legs with way to much force that even if I was fully conscious, I couldn't have resisted. He placed himself between them, his hips hovering oh-so dangerously above my own. His lips captured mine again without any articles of clothing leaving either of our persons.

The position was suggestive but he didn't seem to be planning sex. His tongue was dominating mine now, no contest. His left hand abandoned my side and, to my sudden horror, was fondling my thigh, sliding up… up… oh, no.

I wretched my lips away from his. I felt strands of hair parting company with my skull at the sudden movement from his fist in my hair.

"Stop!" I yelled at him and, without thinking, "I like Deidara!"

More shocking than this confession, however, was Hidan's response.

He let go, backed off, and moved to the other side of the elevator, smirking. "Here," he said, pushing the tray of food towards me, "you've earned dinner, at least." He conceded.

I hardly dared to believe it, looking at him suspiciously as if he might maul me any second, then grabbed the cheese burger and took a big bite. Chewed. Swallowed.

"It's cold."

He just laughed.

I glared at him but finished the meal in silence. Well… almost. On the corner of the tray, after I ate everything else on it, including the spork, sat a small potted plant. I picked it up. On the side, in tiny, carved letters it read _Save a Plant, Eat a Vegetarian_.

Suddenly, from above us, there was a tearing metal sound and then a horrible scratchy groan sound. Finally, a battle cry cut through the darkness. There was a loud crashing sound and a thud and the whole elevator began to quake.

**Bang! Bang! Bang!**

Three gun shots sounded from above, two dents appeared and the third broke through, successfully forming a hole. Hands pried at the edges of the gap, ripping the wound wider in the steel.

"Give me back Gertrude!!" Zetsu demanded in a sorta 'dead Asian from the Grudge' voice.

I looked over at Hidan who appeared rather bored. "Am I dreaming again?" I asked him.

"Unfortunately, no." Hidan replied, giving me a wry smile.

"Dammit. So, who's Gertrude?"

"The plant." Hidan explained, watching Zetsu continue to tear through the ceiling. Finally, he stopped.

Zetsu stuck his dark arm down and I placed Gertrude in his waiting hand. It vanished up through the hole. Then, worse, came the sound of someone cutting wire with a knife. Now Hidan seemed concerned, leaping to his feet, using his phone for light, he peered through the hole.

"Holy fucking Jashin! Zetsu! Don't _fucking_ cut the elevator cables! You fucking bastard! Are you trying to fucking kill us?!"

Zetsu didn't seem to care. "I can't forgive anyone who takes Gertrude." He said, somewhat crazily, and finished cutting the cable, holding onto one of the grooves in the wall so he wouldn't fall along with us.

And, oh, were we falling. The elevator careened down the empty shaft and we hurtled towards the ground floor. I was clinging to Hidan for dear life and we were both screaming bloody murder. Finally, we crashed to earth; a lot of the elevator caving in, and the doors bent open. Apparently, we'd been close enough to the ground floor already that we, thankfully, were not dead. Hidan and I stumbled, shaken, out of the gap in the door.

Hidan chuckled once, threw his arms in the air and cheered. "I'm not the only fucking homicidal maniac anymore!" Then he looked at me. "Hey, Sakura, we're alive!" he told me like I didn't know.

"Thank Jashin." I muttered, barely catching Hidan's reactionary smile, before I passed out in his arms.

-Zetsu's crazy-

Principal Tsunade took pity on me due to my recently onset parent-less situation but she said she was required to at least send me to a meeting with my guidance counselor. She gave me the day to recuperate because everywhere ached. She had me escorted to my dorm and I was way too dead to get my ass over to Akatsuki's room.

Eventually there was a knock and Naruto entered.

I was too tired to dwell on the events of the laundry room and decide how to treat him now so I decided to cast that memory out and treat him like always. He was bearing a dozen blue roses, after all. Blue roses are my favorite.

"Hi, Naruto!" I smiled cheerfully at him when he didn't say anything. I propped myself up on my pillows so I was sitting up fully.

"I can't believe they did this to you…" he muttered, looking at the floor.

"Eh," I shrugged. "It was kinda exciting." I admitted.

Naruto blanched at me, looking as if I was the craziest bitch on the face of the earth. "You're insane."

"No, but Zetsu sure is." I answered jokingly, smiling still.

Naruto's expression softened and he gave up the topic of conversation. "I brought these for you." He indicated the roses.

"Thanks," I smiled brighter because only Naruto would take the trouble of dying roses blue just for me. "Blue roses are my favorite."

"I know." He smiled sadly, placing the bouquet on my dresser. "I should leave before the Akatsuki show up…"

"Unfortunately, that might be the best route of action right now." I conceded.

He shuffled over to my bedside quickly to give me a soft peck on the cheek and then he left. It was good, too, because, not too long after, Tobi and Sasori entered to carry me all the way back to their dorm.

"Now, Zetsu, apologize to Sakura!" Sasori demanded upon reaching their room. Zetsu was sitting on the bed officially deemed his now that him and Sasori had officially transferred into to school. He was stroking Gertrude lovingly. He looked up at me guiltily. His slightly flat and thin face with its different colors looked completely sincere.

"I'm sorry, Sakura. I'm a schizophrenic and my other personality is homicidal when it comes to Gertrude." He said, standing as he put Gertrude on the stand next to his bed.

He looked so sad that I had to hug him. "It's okay, no harm no foul." I said into his chest.

"Hey the rest of you have to apologize for putting the plant there in the first place, un." Deidara demanded.

Itachi, Kisame, and Sasori all apologized awkwardly. Tobi burst into tears screaming "I'm soooooo sorry, Sakura!"

I let go of Zetsu and hugged Tobi, stoked his hair and said "It's okay, Mr. Pirate, I still love you!"

Tobi relaxed.

"Hey, do you still love me?" Sasori asked eagerly.

"I never loved you." I glared at him.

Hidan laughed at him.

"Hidan!" I suddenly exclaimed, realizing something. "_You_ didn't apologize!"

"Hey, I was in that fucking elevator, too. I don't need to fucking apologize when I was a fucking victim!" He reasoned pathetically. He must have a big ego if he thinks that argument will hold with me.

"Then why don't you apologize to me for what happened in the elevator?" I suggest angrily.

"I ain't gonna fucking apologize for that! But I'll say this, Sakura. You're fucking welcome." Hidan said smugly.

"What happened in the elevator? Didn't you just lock her in Hidan?" Kisame asked.

"You've obviously never been a starving girl locked in a dark elevator with Hidan." I said to Kisame but continued to glare at Hidan. Yeah, right, there was no way in hell I was going to tell them what went down in the elevator.

Kisame and Hidan began to argue. I detached myself from Tobi's person and Itachi walked calmly over to me. He placed his hands on my shoulders and brought his face to mine. Everyone fell silent and froze to watch.

_A/N: Hi! The following bold words are censor blocks. Picture them as blanks and try to fill in what Itachi is REALLY saying if you like but I censored them so I can keep this a T-rated ficcy. Enjoy._

"Did you **0 . o** and **[CENSORBLOCK]** or perhaps **XOXX3LOLZXXXO**? Did he **WHYSOSERIOUS** your **OMG** or make you **PLANNEDPARENTHOOD **and **LMAO** all over his **XD** while **LOLZROFLMAOBBQ**? Did he ask you to **ZOMG** with an **LOLERSKATES** or to** 8D** your **ROFLCOPTER**?" Itachi asked.

"…_WHAT?!?!?!?!_" I responded.

"She's still a virgin!" Itachi declared.

Tobi passed out from hearing Itachi's… err… knowledge? Sasori, Hidan, Zetsu, and Deidara had nosebleeds.

Kisame was nodding. "Itachi, you should definitely direct porno."

"You guys are way too oversexed." I concluded.

"Actually, we're way too undersexed." Kisame said matter-of-factly. "Girls typically run in fear of us."

"Even the desperate ones." Sasori added, pouting.

"I'm sorry, was that supposed to make me pity you?" I inquired.

"Maybe…" Kisame and Sasori chorused with noticed shifty eyes.

I rolled my eyes at their antics. Soon after we went to sleep.

-What the hell was Itachi talking about?-

"I'm a PIRATE!" I heard Tobi yelled before he stage-dived from his bed and onto mine.

I groaned in protest and pulled the pillow over my head. This only seemed to encourage Tobi because he giggled and wiggled, successfully taking all the sleep out of my tiredness. I slipped the pillow far enough down my face to glare at him. He flinched. I punched him and he flew off.

"Sleepy time, still." I muttered angrily and disappeared beneath my blanket.

"SAKURA HARUNO! REPORT TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE IMMEDIATELY!" I heard Tsunade yell over the intercom.

"OOOO you in trouble!" the guys all chorused.

I growled and rolled out of bed so I lay on the floor, belly down. "What time is it?" I asked.

"Quarter to two," Tobi reported cheerfully, already recovering from my punch.

I stumbled to my feet and swayed drunkenly in front of him. "I'm sorry for punching you Mr. Pirate."

"It's okay Sakura, I still love you!" Tobi said, hugging me around the neck.

"And I still love you Tobi, but the next time you wake me up when it's already past noon on a school day I will strangle you with your own entrails." I explained to him cheerfully.

He winced.

I tossed him aside and began stumbling tiredly to the office.

Upon arrival, Tsunade sent me to guidance with a reproachful glare.

Ebisu, the school disciplinarian and most hated faculty member was also the guidance counselor. No one went to see him willingly.

_**No wonder there's so many fucked up kids in this place…**_

"Yes, Ms Haruno, come on it. Close the door behind you," Ebisu said with a smile when I entered his office.

He sat behind a desk that was covered in slinky, magnets, yo-yos and playdoh. He also had a pinup calendar. This month featured a woman licking her lips in a bikini on a car. The scenario made absolutely no sense to me.

I sat in the chair on the other side of his desk. His shoes bumped my still bare feet. I'd forgotten to pull on shoes. And I was still wearing the clothes the guys had given me to wear (boxers and a skimpy tank). Oops.

"Now, I'm not here as your guidance counselor, Sakura, but as your disciplinarian. You were out of your dorm after curfew, violated the school dress code, spent a suspicious amount of time in the boys dorms, ditched now two full days of school and destroyed our elevator." He stated.

I gulped. I couldn't believe I was getting called on the elevator when Zetsu was the one who'd cut the cord, Tsunade broke the school dress code on a daily basis, no one followed curfew, and who said spending a suspicious amount of time anywhere was against the rules?!

"The school board is considering pressing charges for the elevator as damage to school property." Ebisu continued.

"But the elevator was all Zetsu's fault!" I complained.

"Yes, and I imagine you want to protect your new friends…" he began suspiciously. "And I can make it all go away, Sakura, if you help me help you to help your friends."

And with that his hand landed _"suspiciously"_ on my thigh under the desk.

_**Oh hell to the fucking no. Girl, this ain't acceptable. **_

_But what do I do?_

_**See that playdoh?**_

_Yes…_

_**Use it.**_

END CHAPTER

_Okay, people, 67 people now have this on their alerts so, please, more than 8 reviews? Please? I love the ones I get but c'mon! REVIEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!_


	7. Tag, You're It

_Oh lordie, gotta update!!_

_Disclaimer: I wish I owned Draco and the Malfoys but, alas, like Naruto, I don't own them. Insert sad face here, please._

_Warning: __This happy-go-lucky chapter begins with graphic playdoh usage. Weak stomached people? Turn away._

**Scrumdidileeuptious**

**Chapter 7**

**Tag, You're It**

EPICLY GRAPHIC PLAYDOH USAGE BEGINS HERE

His hand was resting oh-so dangerously on the top of my thigh. So I slammed my leg against the bottom of the wooden desk. I heard the cracking of Ebisu's evil bones but, oh, that could never serve to satisfy my need to watch him suffer. I stood, wicked courses of action appearing before me with Inner Sakura's helpful suggestions.

I grab at one option randomly, lean over the desk and punch Ebisu in the face. His nose cracks with the same amazing sound as his hand had made. But, no, this could not be enough foreplay for the main event. The playdoh…

I grabbed the chair I'd been sitting on and swung it over my head onto his desk, splintering it in half. Leaping back, clucking his nose, Ebisu squealed like the little girl I always knew he secretly was.

"Now there's no reason for that!" he cried.

"Oh my fucking Jashin! You just sounded British right there!" I screeched.

Oh, hell no. Once people start sounding British, it's time for playdoh.

I grabbed a canister of pink playdoh, one of purple playdoh, and a green playdoh off the pathetic remains of his desk and tore off the lids. Ebisu must have caught the evil look on my face and was now whimpering and shivering in a corner. I ripped the contents of the containers out, ensuring playdoh under my nails for weeks but I didn't care because, even though I wouldn't admit it to everyone, I love eating playdoh during classes and my nail beds are the perfect storage space.

"D-don't mix the colors!" Ebisu stuttered.

But too late. Plus, the mixing of colors was the least of his worries now.

Pink, purple, and green were mashed together in my hands, some squishing out between my fingers in odd shapes. I rolled it quickly in my hands so it formed a perfect cylinder. Then, playdoh in one hand, an empty canister in the other, I approached Ebisu.

"Now, Ebisu, _is Zetsu really in trouble?_" I asked him, smiling sweetly. I couched down to get eye-level with him.

"Y-Y-You c-ca-can't i-intimid-date m-m-me…" he whispered as if he didn't actually believe it himself. And of course he didn't believe himself, it was a balls out lie.

But he should learn never to face me with a ballsy lie. Oh, no, never show your balls to Sakura Haruno when she's pitching a bitch fit. I'm always ready to deliver a swift kick.

"Oh, really, bitch?" I asked sadistically. I dropped the playdoh canister to the ground, seized the thinning hair on the back of his head and pulled. He gasped and I took advantage of the gap in his lips to stuff thirteen inches of mixed up playdoh colors down his slimy gullet in a single try. I then held the playdoh canister over his mouth so he couldn't throw it all back up.

He drooled into the canister a little but swallowed the playdoh all the same.

_**I hope that shit's toxic enough to kill him.**_

_Me too._

"Now? You said something about pressing charges, didn't you?" I asked him sweetly.

"No, no I didn't!" He said hysterically, crying now.

"Glad you know how to play the game, Ebisu." I pat his knee twice and stood back up to full height, putting the playdoh canister on his bookshelf. "Don't call me back here unless you want to repeat this episode."

EPICLY GRAPHIC PLAYDOH USAGE ENDS HERE

I left Ebisu's office with the biggest grin on my face. His quiet sobs only served to entertain me further. Now that my mischievous side had been uncapped, I wanted to do more vile and cruel things. Lucky for me, the guidance office is directly across the hall from the main office. It's really just a little cave in the wall of this particular hallway, with a single desk belonging to Tsunade's secretary and then a door behind it leading to Tsunade's office.

Just in that moment that I exited Ebisu's office (closing his door softly as if he was sleeping and not unconscious), the secretary's desk was empty. Upon her abandoned desk sat a metal instrument that was calling to me, unprepared and unawares. It was clearly the mike for the school-wide speaker system.

That's right. The intercom system was laying unprotected in front of a manic me.

I'd like to say I sauntered over to this beautiful opportunity with seductive grace, but it was more like I sprinted and leaped across the hallway, crashed and careened over the desk, seized the intercom, fell over the other side, and landed on my head on the not-so-comfy floor. There was a big red button on the stand with the mike. I punched it quickly and spoke clearly.

"This is a massage for Kisame. This is a message for Kisame from Sakura! I'm starting a game of tag and you are it. That's right. You're it." and I placed the intercom mike back on the desk and began creeping out.

I was tiptoeing, almost to the outside of the cave that was the main office, when I spotted the one thing that would drive this plot home. The small red box on the wall with the small red and white handle. _In case of fire, pull down to sound alarm._

_No…_

_**Do it!**_

_Yes, ma'am!_

And I did. I pulled that alarm. The hallways echoed with the blaring of the alarm. The hard tiled floors became slippery as water rained down from the ceiling. And the pirate I just loved came careening down the hall, bowled me over, and hovered over me on his hands and knees, panting from his run.

"I'm a pirate!" he declared, jutting his thumb at his eye patch.

"Well then, hello there, Mr. Pirate." I responded, smiling.

"Hi Sakura!" He replied, hugging me even though he was on top of me. Only Tobi could possibly pull such a feat off. "Now! Tobi and Sakura must hide!"

"…why?" I asked, totally confused.

His face got all dark and he looked at me _very_ seriously. "Kisame's coming."

But his warning was too late. At the end of the hall there was a splash as an abnormally large foot came down upon the puddle littered floors. Tobi and I both turned to see Kisame wearing the black sweatpants he'd slept in and nothing else.

_**He's fucking ripped!**_

_I think I'm drooling!_

_**And well you should!**_

Yet, when I saw his face my hopes fell. His face was split into a wide, vicious smile, all sharp teeth and crazed saliva. His eyes were wide with insanity, his hair matted down with water. Suddenly, I was afraid.

"AHHH!" both Tobi and I screamed at the same time. He scrambled off of me and dived behind the secretary's desk, but I knew better. It was too late to hide. Better to run.

So I ran in the other direction like a bat out of hell. Kisame tore after me. Adrenaline was pumping in my veins. My heart was pounding in my ears. My stomach was up somewhere around my throat. My confidence was somewhere in Canada or somewhere else far away because it had obviously abandoned me. I was scared shitless.

Kisame's a lot taller than me, with a lot longer pair of legs, and a whole shit load more muscle. I was so going to lose this race.

Until I tripped! Oh, yes, I trip on flat surfaces. Fear it. So I tripped and slid all the way down the hallway on my belly like a freaking penguin.

"Oh yeah! Take that, Kisame! Eat my penguin-y du--"

I crashed into the wall at the end of the hallway right below that randomly placed window. I turned around and rose shakily to my feet, my head aching. Kisame was halfway down the hall now and he had lost balance. He slid on one foot, gaining a lot of speed.

"Kisame?!"

Too late, he'd already crashed into me, and his lips had landed a little too conveniently on mine. He took advantage of the situation. Oh, boy, Kisame could kiss. So gentle, and velvety, and flawlessly. He was a freaking master. He had to know that I found nothing more attractive than the scenario with an uber hot and strong guy only being gentle to the girl he liked.

_**Sexay!**_

_Okay, wow, there's no way this guy is undersexed. He's oversexed. End of story. No prude is this amazing at kissing._

We were interrupted by the sound of a camera's shutter. I broke away from Kisame and looked over his shoulder at Tobi, waving his camera in victory. Kisame stepped away from me and punched Tobi in the face. Tobi flew down the hall, landed with his ass in the air and his cheek to the floor and skidded into the opposite wall.

"Ow…" he moaned.

"Tag, you're it!" Kisame yelled, scooped me up bridal style, and sprinted down a different hall before ducking us into an empty classroom. He sat me on the teacher's desk and put his hands on either side of me, preventing my escape. "Now, where were we?" He asked seductively.

"In the hallway?" I stalled, suddenly remembering I really liked Deidara.

He chuckled once, closed his golden eyes, and began to lean in slowly. I was about to panic when a pair of strong arms slid around my waist, pulled me back, out of Kisame's lips' reach, and replaced me with Pablo, our school's unsanitary CPR dummy.

Kisame screamed and stumbled back, horrified. His lips were ruined for life now. I, on the other hand, looked at my savior. It was master of smooth, Itachi himself. I relaxed in his forever calming atmosphere as Kisame ran out of the room to go rinse his mouth with acid. Pablo could be quite dirty. I'd burn my lips off if it had been me who'd kissed him. Ew.

Itachi popped a squat in the teachers chair and I didn't wait for an invitation to sit on his lap and lean into his chest. He wrapped his arms gently around my waist and rested his chin on my shoulder.

"What a bat-shit crazy game this turned out to be." I initiated conversation.

"You've gotten them so riled up," he conceded, his breath warm on my ear.

"Tag might not have been the best choice, thinking back on it." I mused.

"I'm not talking about tag."

"Hm?"

"They're all riled up because Hidan had you in that elevator alone for a good thirty minutes before Zetsu ended it and Hidan was doing who-knows-what to you during those thirty minutes. Now we all want our fair share to even the playing field." Itachi explained.

"You're not like that, though." I pointed out.

"Aren't I?" he asked, suddenly tightening his arms around my waist. "Hidan told me you confessed to liking Deidara most. Is that true?"

"No! I just wanted him to back off." I lied.

"Liar," Itachi accused with a hint of a pained smile in his voice. "Hidan didn't tell anyone but me, though I'm sure if the others knew, they'd be just as upset."

"Why?" I whispered.

"You're the only girl in this whole school that isn't terrified of us. Everybody is pretty much convinced you're our only chance at female contact in high school so we're giving it our all to sway you to each of our respective sides." He explained. "And then you decide you like Deidara, the least serious of all of us."

I turned to look at him. "You can't share me." I told him.

"On the contrary, Sakura," He stated, smirking and pushing me onto the teacher's desk before climbing on top of me. "We already are."

His amazing red eyes drifted closed and I found my green ones doing the same as, under the shower of the sprinkler system, amidst the continuous blaring of the fire alarm, our lips met, our tongues danced, and our hands traveled. I was completely engulfed lust, pressed up against his damp chest when we were interrupted by a troop of fire men crashed through the window.

"WHERE'S THE FI-what're you doing?"

END CHAPTER

_There you go! It would have been longer but I'm out of computer time! Happy summer, everyone! And remember, there's no way in hell I'll update without a shit load of reviews!_


	8. Mingle with Chaos

_Thanks for all the reviews guys! I'm on summer break so it'll be easier to update sooner so keep those reviews coming! Would've updated sooner but I was in California!_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I do own a super pack of fireworks, though! Well... I did._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 8**

**Mingle with Chaos**

I am normally not _that_ girl. I am not the girl who attracts boys. I am not the girl who goes around kissing all her best guy friends just because they're outrageously hot. I am not the unfaithful girl who makes out with her crush's best friends.

And yet, I am.

I am that silly, kinda stupid, crazy girl who fell in with a group of hot guys, and ends up making out with one on a desk right in front of a troop of firemen, and it's not even the one I thought I liked.

And so the firemen freeze, halfway through breaking down walls and such, to stop and stare at Itachi and I. Itachi having me pinned to the desk and making out with me. Itachi stops his attack to look at the firemen.

"Er…" one fireman said and they all slowly started backing out until they were all gone.

I stared up at Itachi, wondering what he would do next.

"Do you still like Deidara more than me, more than the rest of us?" Itachi asked.

"Who?" I asked, still dazed.

Itachi smirked while I tried to gather my thoughts and failing miserably. Every boy in the Akatsuki was attractive, and I liked them all. So why had I singled Deidara out? Perhaps it was just because he seemed the most disinterested…

"Still, you can't just toss me around like your play-thing, Itachi! I'm not your toy!" I yelled at his serene face.

Finally he had the decency to look a bit confused. He tilted his head to the side and said, "Yes, you are," like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Ugh!" I huffed, struggling to get out from beneath him, finally finding discomfort with our positions. It was hopeless and I quickly gave up, not wanting to give Itachi any more stimulation. "You can't just mess around with me! I have emotions, too!" I told him. Then I glared at his face, daring him to say 'no, you don't'.

He smirked. "Of course I know you have _emotions_. Those are what make messing with you so much fun. Your reactions are hysterical." He ground his hips against mine to prove his point, watching my face turn red. "Like that." He said, satisfied. Then he took in my glaring expression that wasn't likely to change anytime soon. "C'mon, Sakura, don't be such a stiff. Being so tight laced is holding you back. Live a little." He leaned in to blow in my ear. "If you can't mingle with chaos, you can't be in the Akatsuki." He breathed, sending involuntary shivers down my spine in pleasure. With one last smirk, he rolled off of me, and the desk, and stood gracefully on the slippery floor.

I tried to follow his example but I slipped. I would have fallen into Itachi and for a moment I thought I had when I found myself in the arms of someone who smelled really good but when I looked up at his face it was Sasori. His red hair was matted with the water that was still falling from the ceiling, but this only served to make him look even more attractive. He was holding me up in his perfect, muscular arms, with my face pressed to his damp, clothed, perfect chest, but his face was toward Itachi. He was glaring.

"I was hiding under the desk." He simply said.

Normally I would have blushed at this statement, embarrassed beyond belief that he had heard such a demeaning conversation, but, as if I was following Itachi's order to mingle with chaos, I surprised even myself by bursting out laughing. I really should have stopped, considering Sasori's glare was on me now, but I couldn't help it. I laughed harder at his expression that so did not belong on his perfect face.

I may have died of hysterics if Tobi hadn't entered through the door at just that minute looking abused and exhausted. He was panting, all of his clothing was torn somewhere, and his hair was mussed beyond belief. Only his eye patch seemed to be in perfect place.

_**The eye patch… it's immortal.**_

I started laughing harder. Tobi didn't even look at me, he just stumbled right over to Itachi. "You're it." he said, patting Itachi on the shoulder before he fell to the ground in a dead faint. Itachi smiled evilly at Tobi's unconscious body before his plotting eyes turned on Sasori and me. We both screamed and scrambled for the hole in the wall made by the firemen at the same time. Itachi gave a short chuckle so evil I feared for my life.

I couldn't help myself.

I was afraid.

I didn't want to die (or get tagged).

I tripped Sasori.

Sacrifices had to be made, right?!

Sasori tumbled to the ground and I knew Itachi would pounce at the opportunity to tag him instead of exerting the effort to catch me. Even so, I kept running across the school grounds, glancing behind me every few minutes to make sure no one was giving chase. It was during one of these paranoid glances that I ran headlong into the very person I was _supposed_ to be running from. Sasori smirked down at my startled expression. His eyes, beautiful copper, looked more mischievous than usual, dancing with suppressed mirth.

I gulped.

"Sakura…" he whispered evilly, sending my stomach past my feet and all the way to China. He leaned into me, bending his back like a predator so we were at eye level. His lips closed in on mine so that when he spoke, his warm breath fanned, tempting, across my face in a voice that seemed almost pained rather than alluring. "Don't you want me?"

"_**Yes...**_" Inner Sakura answered for me, immediately, completely taken in by Sasori's seduction.

He laughed once without parting his lips, turning my legs to jelly as he kept staring at me. "Then close your eyes." He breathed, his lips brushing mine like a feather as he spoke because he was so close now.

I obeyed, putty in his hands. Not giving a second thought to what he might be planning, asking my new best friend, chaos, to lend me strength, as Sasori's lips claimed mine. Sasori was a surprise. Kissing a member of the Akatsuki was like getting a one-on-one interview of them, a moment to infer many things of their hidden nature like how tender they could be.

I had expected Sasori to be warm and greedy.

But he was cold. His lips were freezing on mine, as if he'd just stepped out of a blizzard. And he was oh-so cautious. Of all the Akatsuki, Sasori was the most normal looking. No odd skin or eye colors and no risqué hair styles that left gender questions. Sure, his appearance was far from normal, considering how gorgeous he was, but there was no deterring factor to counter it. I expected he'd be used to kissing girls, over-sexed as I'd always assumed. I expected him to be passionate, fiery, and fierce.

But he took things slow. His lips were cold but he was melting me with his gentleness. A testing peck was the preface. Then a longer kiss, and another, where he took my lower lip between his own, ensuring it to be swollen later. Then a long kiss with hands in hair and leaning into each other as he waited, without prodding, for me to crack my lips and introduce the tongue phase. I gave in and initiated the tonsil hockey.

More surprises.

His tongue was not the smooth muscle I had expected but rough, scaly, and hesitant. He didn't care, as other boys had, about a battle for dominance, but instead searched and poked around, causing me to moan with unexpected pleasure. I hadn't known I was capable of making a sound like that. It was so… porn star sounding.

His hands didn't grope anywhere but stayed buried in my hair and my arms remained wrapped around his neck. All these little surprising quirks made me like Sasori so much more. He was so unexpected and unpredictable. Instead of me having to fight him off of me, he actually ended the kiss himself. He smiled, small and close-lipped, before kissing my forehead. He stepped back and his face broke into a real smile, like it was breaking through the clouds. I blanched because at the exact moment he smiled, the fire alarm ceased.

His smile disappeared as he looked up, surprised. The expression was so young and childish on his face it made me realize how adorable he really was. He had a kid's face but all the expressions of a grownup. Until now. I laughed lightly at his expression and held onto the front of his shirt so I wouldn't fall over. When I finally had the moral decency to calm myself I looked up at Sasori's face.

"Sorry," I mumbled.

"I'm sorry too." He said.

"For what?" I asked, confused.

He smirked, evil, for sure, and leaned to my ear once more. "You're it." Then he stepped back to watch my expression with his forever crazy eyes.

"SAKURA HARUNO AND DEIDARA WHO-KNOWS-WHAT-THE-FUCK-HIS-LAST-NAME-IS, REPORT TO THE MAIN OFFICE IMMEDIATELY!!" Tsunade's angry voice bellowed from the loudspeaker.

"Why Deidara, too…?" I wondered aloud, looking at the school building that suddenly seemed frightening with an angry Tsunade in it. An enraged Tsunade is definitely something to try to avoid at all costs.

"You should probably go." Sasori hinted as I hadn't moved an inch yet, paralyzed with fear and confusion. All I did was use the intercom. And pull the fire alarm. But, wait, isn't pulling a fire alarm in a school when there is no fire a federal offence, or something?

_**Well, that's just craptacular. We're fucked. **__A/N: 'Craptacular' is a Sakura word, a combination of 'crap' and 'spectacular'; it is not, in fact, a real and actual word. But wouldn't it be cool if it was?_

_Way to be positive._

Unwillingly I forced my feet to move in the direction of the main building of the Academy, one in front of the other. I tried tricking my feet by thinking I was headed to an ice cream shop but they did not wish to cooperate with my pleas, not buying my blatant lies. Finally, I made it to the front door hoping I hadn't just fucked myself over with my innocent game of tag.

_**Sweetie, you just made out with three mega-hotties. Whaddya mean 'innocent'??**_

…_Touché._

I stepped through the doors and made my way to the main office. Upon arrival, the fat secretary, now finally behind her desk where she belonged, waved me into the principal's office with a practiced, apathetic attitude. I sighed, resigning myself to my fate, whatever it may be.

I entered Tsunade's den/torture chamber/office hesitantly. She sat patiently behind her desk with her head resting on her hands. Shizune, the vice principal, stood behind her slightly to the side, looking at Tsunade apprehensively. I looked at Tsunade closer, trying to find what Shizune was staring at. I spotted the empty beer bottle and almost started laughing again. TonTon, the school mascot, a pig, was licking the last of the alcohol from the lip of the bottle.

"You called?" I asked Tsunade after a minute of silence. Deidara was not yet here.

"Yes, because I wanted to thank you." Tsunade said, surprising the shiz-nits out of me.

"Why?" I asked, totally shocked.

"Well, right after you pulled the fire alarm---which was totally illegal, by the way---your friend, Deidara, blew something up in the arm room and set the place on fire. So, you're pulling of the fire alarm actually helped us all because the firemen showed up sooner to put it out." She explained with this totally odd grin on her face.

"But why would Deidara…?" I couldn't even figure out how to phrase the question.

"Well, Deidara was banned from the art room his freshman year for doing the exact same thing he did today so he probably did it to get you off the hook. He, on the other hand, is in a load of trouble." Tsunade told me, her eyes glinting in evil joy at the thought of Deidara being in trouble. "Ebisu is probably handing down punishment right now."

So that's why Deidara wasn't in here. He was in the disciplinarian's, Ebisu's, office, receiving punishment for something he probably only did on my behalf.

Without asking to leave, I left, and crossed the hallway to Ebisu's office. Deidara's actions confused me. He ignores me, doesn't even pay attention to me like the others had, but now he goes around blowing up classrooms to help me? Was it a little self-absorbed of me to think he only blew up the art room for me? Yes… I mean, I'd heard the rumors of his love of explosives, a feature I found attractive, but for him to purposely blow something up in the school at exactly the right moment when it would have been of gain to me?

I didn't know quite what to make of Deidara.

My confusion fed right into my love of chaos. I opened Ebisu's office, malice mating with mischief in my mind. Ebisu was standing up, glaring at Deidara, red in the face, over his ruined desk. I could smell his evil, it was putrid. He was definitely about to hand down an in-school suspension.

"Ebisu~" I called to him. He froze at the sound of my all-too-familiar voice.

"Sakura…" he whispered in fear, an involuntary response. "W-what are you doing here?" he asked with a poor attempt at bravado.

"Well, I had thought we had agreed just this morning that you knew how to play the game. I just wanted to make sure you remembered." I told him looking only at the canister of playdoh with the green lid meaningfully.

He swallowed. "Of course." Then he turned to Deidara who was looking back and for the between us confusedly. "Deidara, you're free to go."

Deidara gave him an extremely confused glace before standing and leaving the room with me.

When we were safely outside he looked at me. "What did you do to him this morning, un?" he asked.

"Fed him playdoh… forcefully." I said mysteriously, realizing it'd been too long since I hear him say 'un'.

"How many canisters, un?"

"Three…" I answered honestly.

"You could kill him, you know, un?" He looked at me with admiring surprise as he asked.

"I'll cut down to one can next time." I promised. "So why'd you blow up the art room?" I asked with hardly contained burning curiosity.

"I like blowing things up, un. Its art, un." He answered, suddenly finding the sports awards lining the walls very interesting.

"Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally?" I asked, taking joy in how bad a liar he was. "It had absolutely nothing to do with me?" I pressed.

"Nothing." Deidara answered still not looking at me.

I might have believed him too, but he couldn't fool me. He had forgotten his 'un'.


	9. Consider Yourself Fertilized

_Okay, here's the deal._

_I officially have swine flu. I haven't been able to eat for two days. I'm dehydrated. I'm running at a temperature of 104. And, I'm slightly delusional. Enjoy the chapter._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 9**

**Consider Yourself Fertilized**

I hummed in victory, skipping and dancing ahead of him while he walked at his own pace. He raised his eyebrow at my antics. I stuck my tongue out at him. He returned the gesture. I put my thumbs to my ears and wiggled my fingers.

"Nyaaa~!" I laughed.

He rolled his eyes and I laughed harder. Then, walking backwards, I tripped on the flat surface and fell on my ass. It was Deidara's turn to laugh at me and he took it gleefully. In fact, he laughed so hard that he doubled over, clutching his stomach before falling on _his_ ass.

I laughed at his stupidity while he continued to laugh at me and soon we were rolling around on the ground, laughing our bruised asses off at each other. I was nearly crying in hysteria before I finally hiccupped myself into silence. I tried to wait patiently for Deidara to quiet down. I did not succeed. Deidara just wouldn't stop laughing.

"It wasn't _that_ funny!" I screamed, leaping on top of him.

He stopped laughing for a second when I knocked the wind out of him but then he continued laughing in a pained kind of way. "Y-you just crushed my ribs, un!" He coughed out between laughs.

I was about to get off when the shifting of my weight caused something in his jean pocket to make a jingling sound. I wiggled, experimenting, and the jingling repeated. I reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring of keys. There were five keys on the ring, plus that nice little black box with the 'lock' and 'unlock' buttons.

"You drive?!" I asked in utter and complete disbelief.

"I _am_ seventeen, un…" Deidara answered, looking at me skeptically.

"Drive me somewhere!" I demanded. It had been a long time since I'd been off campus for something other than my parents' funeral. Freedom was a drug in boarding school.

"Ugh, fine, just get off me, un." Deidara gave in, rolling his perfectly blue eyes. I obliged and he stood up. I handed him his keys, the tickets out of this prison. Deidara took his keys and set off to the junior's parking lot. He walked over to his 'car'.

Now, I'm not a car buff in any sense but I recognized a crappy piece of shit when I saw one. I was a crappy truck. The back was a chipped pale blue that might have once been 'sky blue'. Then, in blocks and sections towards the front, a rust colored paint job began. The tires were dull, the bed was deep, and the side mirrors were just barely hanging in there.

"It's a loan, un." Deidara explained. "I normally drive a Harley, un." At this point, I gaped. Deidara was a motorcyclist? This was news to me. "A Screamin' Eagle V-Rod, un." He clarified. My jaw hit the pavement of the parking lot. That was the bike of my dreams. I used to only have eyes for Kawasaki Ninja but that particular Harley had stolen my heart not long ago. And Deidara had one!

"This monstrosity is called Big Blue, un." Deidara went on, patting the hood with a look of disgust on his face as chips of paint and rust stuck to the skin of his palms. "I traded with Suigetsu, Kisame's cousin, for the week, un."

"Kisame has a cousin?" I asked as Deidara climbed into the cab, a little higher up than most cars. I went around to the other side and climbed into the passenger seat with a little difficulty. The interior was better than the outside but most of the money was in the sick stereo system squeezed into the dashboard.

"Yup, Suigetsu goes to the same school Sasori and Zetsu just got kicked out of, un. It's in the next town over, un." Deidara explained, as he twisted the key in the ignition. It clicked.

"Why'd you trade for this week?" I asked, curious as to why anybody would trade a bike from heaven for this trash heap for any length of time.

"Because," Deidara began, twisting the key again. This time the engine revved and he threw the beast into reverse. "Zetsu's birthday is this week, un."

"…What?" I asked, totally confused. How were the two connected?

"You'll see, un." Deidara answered casually, looking over me as he backed out of the space. He smiled an 'it's a surprise' smile so I let it drop.

"Okay, new question, then," I side tracked as Deidara made his way out of the parking lot and onto the main road. "What's with the paint job on this thing?"

Deidara laughed for a few minutes before answering. The sound was contagious and I laughed with him until he stopped. "Big Blue was born in a garage that was too close to me when I had too much lighter fluid and not enough sense of self-preservation, un."

"You lit a garage on fire?" I asked, admiring.

"And this bitch is the only thing that survived that fire, un. Don't ask me how, it just somehow did, un." He explained, patting the steering wheel in good humor.

It was quiet for a few minutes as Deidara drove, the stereo playing some rock music in the background. "Hey, wait a minute… Aren't there only six beds in your dorm?" I asked, turning towards Deidara, this thought only just hitting me.

"Yeah, un…" Deidara said, surprised by my statement, he looked at me curiously.

"So, there's eight of us when I'm there! Where's everyone sleeping?" I asked.

"Kisame's hitting another growth spurt, un. Even though he already had a California twin, it's not long enough for him, so he sleeps on the floor now, un." Deidara answered shiftily.

"That still leaves one person without a bed." I pointed out. Deidara flinched. He had not wanted me to notice that. I caught on. "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed all week."

"No…" Deidara said, accidentally running a stop sign and nearly hitting an innocent squirrel.

"Yes." I corrected him.

"Maybe…"

"Yes."

"Fine, un! Yes, un! We've all been switching off, un!" Deidara admitted.

I reclined my seat calmly and leaned back, thinking. "Either I'm a lot prettier than I remember, or you boys are really desperate for female contact." I mused.

"Well, you _are_ pretty hot, un. For a freshman, I mean, un. Your grade is set for braces, but lacks boobs in a major way, un." Deidara said, thinking of my flat-chest brace-face class.

"…I have boobs." I pouted, looking at my chest, suddenly self-conscious. They _were_ there, goddamit.

"Yes, un…" Deidara agreed slowly. "But they aren't that big, un…"

"A B-cup is a perfectly acceptable size!" I yelled, very defensive.

"For an oompa-loompa, sure, un." Deidara said, chuckling.

"Oh, you totally know you like my breasts." I huffed. "I bet you wanna know what they feel like."

"No. I don't." Deidara answered, stiffening.

An evil smile grew across my face. "Yes, you dooooo," I practically sang. "Deidara wants to touch 'em! You wanna touch 'em!"

Deidara cheeks tinted pink and he glared out the windshield while I wiggled in victory in my seat. "If you don't shut up right now, I _will_ touch them, un." He threatened.

I made a show of zipping my lips and throwing the key out the window.

He smirked. "We're here, un."

It was a gardening store. We pulled into the parking lot and a guy was just standing there, as if waiting for us. He was tall, not as tall as Kisame, but still. He was well built too, and looked about nineteen. His hair and eyes were a shocking orange color, his hair spiked in a weird way. Behind him were several piles of bags of what I could only assume were fertilizer.

Deidara stopped the car, put it in park, and hopped out. "Hey, Juugo, un!" He called, waving to the orange-haired guy.

Juugo nodded in acknowledgment to Deidara's loud greeting.

Deidara handed him some bills, and together, they loaded the fertilizer into the bed of the truck. My lips remained sealed as we drove back to school. The clock on the dashboard informed me that it was already ten o'clock at night. Deidara drove the rumbling monster truck around to the junior parking lot and killed the engine.

We were stealthily sneaking over to the dorm building when I bumped into somebody outside the freshman wing of classrooms. It was Orochimaru.

Now, every student would love to think that teachers actually lived at the school's they taught at but it simply isn't true. Orochimaru should be long gone, already home and watching primetime TV, smothered in the comfort of a TV dinner. Plus, even if he did have to stay late for work it was well known that he normally kept to his classroom in the junior wing.

"Orochimaru?" I asked, totally shocked.

"Sakura," he sneered. He glanced behind me, probably at Deidara. "Hmm, late night rendezvous with your upperclassmen?"

"Maybe. Late night skulking around the school all on your lonesome?" I asked him in return.

Orochimaru glared at me, and walked away briskly, towards the teacher's parking lot that contained one car and a rather large and sketch looking van.

"That was odd, un." Deidara stated.

"Whatever." I dismissed it.

We entered the dorm building's lobby. Sasori was leaning against the wall. He looked at us when we entered, and then spoke to Deidara. "You get the stuff?"

Oh God, this was starting to sound like a bad drug deal…

"Hell yeah I got the stuff, un." Deidara scoffed.

"Good." Sasori went on. "We were right, tomorrow is Zetsu's birthday, so we'll do it tonight, agreed?"

"Agreed, un." Deidara smirked in an evil way.

I looked between the two with their little secretive plot. "Y'know? I don't even _want_ to know." I said, shaking my head.

They headed back out to the parking lot and together brought in all the bags of fertilizer. We loaded it and ourselves into the elevator and ascended to floor six.

We reached Akatsuki's dorm room together and as they were carrying many bags of fertilizer each, I opened the door. Inside, a party was going full swing. Itachi, Kisame, Tobi, Zetsu, and Hidan were all thoroughly drunk.

Sasori smirked at my shocked expression.

"Three…" he counted.

"Two, un…" Deidara added.

"ONE!" They cheered together, Deidara adding and 'un'.

On 'one', everybody inside the room all passed out together.

"Drunks…" Sasori sighed, stepping over Tobi's unconscious body to enter the room.

"Weren't you drunk the first night we met?" I asked him.

"I… don't quite remember that night…" Sasori admitted thoughtfully.

"Oh, you don't remember what we did?" I asked him, baiting him.

He turned to me, wide-eyed. "What'd we do?"

"It's okay if you don't remember. Just because it was the most magical night of my life doesn't mean it was the same for you. I understand." I lied through a flawless grin and an offhand tone.

"Dammit! You mean we…? You and I…?" he stuttered, stumbling over his words, muttering unintelligible things, and cursing himself.

I giggled, ignoring his desperate pleas for me to tell him the truth.

"Anyway, Sakura, can you go find Tobi's camera to document this moment, un?" Deidara asked, knowing full well I was lying.

"How could I forget?!" Sasori cried.

Itachi stirred. He'd somehow landed on the bed when he passed out and now he turned over on his other side. His breathing became deep again. I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding, as did Sasori and Deidara.

"Itachi's a light sleeper, un." Deidara explained in whispered tones.

"Yeah, but Zetsu's a light weight. He won't wake up." Sasori whispered back conspiratorially.

"Camera located." I reported in a whisper, spotting it on a nearby nightstand. I swiped up the little digital device from Kodak and braced myself to take photos of whatever Deidara and Sasori were planning by sitting on one of the vacant beds.

First, Deidara went over to the closet that was already a mess again, even though I did their laundry only a week ago. He began throwing dirty clothes out of it at lightning speed until a large clay pot appeared from beneath them. He dragged it into the center of the room. It didn't make a sound since the room was carpeted.

Together, Deidara and Sasori lifted Zetsu's limp body and lowered him into a sitting position in the pot. I photographed the procession. The pot was perfect size for Zetsu. Only his head protruded over the rim. Then, Deidara and Sasori both whipped out pocket knives. I flinched at this sudden development behind the camera. They both cut open bags of fertilizer and began sprinkling it on Zetsu's body. I photographed this too, pretty much frame by frame, as I bit my tongue to resist laughing loud enough to wake up everyone in the room.

When the whole pot was full of fertilizer and Zetsu's body, except his head, was covered, Deidara and Sasori began putting candles into the soil. I counted seventeen. Once this was done, they retrieved Gertrude, Zetsu's most beloved plant, and put her next to him in the dirt.

Sasori went over to his bed and pulled out a gym bag, the very same one that had my kitty ears and leash, and removed some extravagant, thick white ribbon. He tied it in and elegant bow around the pot. Deidara placed a huge sign behind Zetsu's pot that read "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" in big green bubble letters. Then, in smaller print, "Consider yourself fertilized" in mockingly elegant black ink.

I took a picture of the whole thing and then one of them both posing with it. I was so excited to see his face when he woke up. I finally felt like I belonged with them. But just as the Akatsuki and I were finally getting close, when I was almost one of them, it was ruined.

I'll never forgive Orochimaru for what he did to me that night.

_Ooooooooh!!! Haha, yes! Cliffie! I know, I'm evil. I'm sorry it took so long! I'll update sooner next time!! I promise!_


	10. Text Message Frenzy

_Thank you all for the concern about my swine flu! I have recovered (it's a four days tops kinda thing!)Lucky for me, I'm normally a very healthy person without asthma or anything (they're only treating it if you have asthma now, since it's the end of the wave). Know what's ironic? The doctor says I probably caught it a week ago when I went to the doctor for my physical before school._

_OH MAH MUFFINS. EIGHTEEN REVIEWS IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS! I'm so sorry I kept you all waiting!! Cookies and Zetsus too you all!!_

_Sorry this chapter took so long to reach you, ff wouldn't let me upload._

**_This chapter is sad...ish!!_**

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 10**

**Text Message Frenzy**

Deidara, Sasori and I had long since buried ourselves in a cocoon of blankets together, Deidara on my right, Sasori on my left. My excitement slowly ebbed, allowing myself to fall closer to sweet, sweet unconsciousness. At 2 AM I was halfway there with my eyes close and my breathing deep as I listened to the sounds of my friends dreaming.

But it wasn't meant to be apparently.

Muffled footsteps made their way down the carpeted hall outside. I listened, waiting for them to pass, but they stopped outside the door. I heard whispered voices. One was evil, one appalled and angry, and two others. _They_ both sounded eager.

I was about to come out of my stupor. To stand up. To open the door. To find out whom those four people on the other side were. To find out why they were here in the middle of the night.

But such actions were not necessary.

I did not have to go to them. They were coming for me.

With a mighty thud I had not heard since Sasori had kicked in the door a week ago, the door was kicked in once more. My eyes shot open at the sudden, intrusive sound. Everyone else in the room woke up too. In the doorway stood a police man.

Behind him was another officer, Tsunade, and Orochimaru.

"Sakura?!" Tsunade demanded. I couldn't figure out why she sounded so shocked. My mind was still too muddled with sleep.

"I told you!" Orochimaru gloated to her. He then turned to smirk viciously at me.

"What the fuck is going on?" Hidan snarled to the police officer who had broken down the door.

No one missed that the policeman's hand automatically twitched toward his gun in the most noticeable of ways. He nodded to the other officer who slipped around him to enter the shadowy room slowly. The whole dorm room was dark, so he was just a shadow, but he was the shadow that moved cautiously.

Everything else was still, when, out of nowhere, another shadow tackled him to the ground. The first officer, Officer #1, the one in the door, flicked on the lights. He already had his gun out and pointed at Zetsu who, covered from neck to toe in dirt, had pinned Officer #2 to the ground and had his hands wrapped around the man's throat.

I cringed into Sasori, who seemed utterly too calm for the situation, and he wrapped his arms around me and held me close as I shivered. Deidara was already unwrapping himself from the blanket. I saw his hand reaching for his pocket that contained, no doubt, a knife. I glanced to Kisame, at the other end of the room, and he was in a similar crouching position, his hand hovering over his pocket. Sasori was reaching for his gym bag.

Even I knew that this might turn into an all out war.

"Get off him!" Officer #1 shouted at Zetsu, his gun quivering in his hands.

Officer #2 was beginning to turn blue.

Tsunade looked horror-struck, holding her hand over her gaping mouth.

Officer #1 undid the safety catch on his gun.

Officer #2 turned a sick shade of purple.

_No…_

I buried my head in Sasori's neck, not wanting to see what happened next.

"Stop," Itachi spoke, clear as a bell, the voice of reason in the tension-ridden air.

I peeked out to see.

Zetsu had let go of the man's neck and stood up looking at Itachi with an unreadable expression. Officer #1 had lowered his weapon. Officer #2 was quietly returning to a normal skin tone. I was utterly confused as to why Itachi had ordered such orders but then I remembered he was a mind reader.

_But why did Zetsu attack that guy?_

_**Look at Zetsu.**_

He was standing, somewhat protectively, in front of his giant pot. If Officer #2 had kept walking, he would have tripped on the pot and toppled into it and, without a doubt, on to Gertrude, still nestled in the soil.

"What do you want?" Itachi asked Officer #1, now putting away his gun, but he probably already knew what and Itachi looked angrier than I'd ever seen him.

"Even though your father is the district attorney, we can't look the other way forever. Some of your friends are over 18 and keeping that girl here is considered corruption of a minor not to mention statutory rape is we catch wind of you boys doing anything." The first officer explained, pointing at me.

"Some of you guys were held back?" I asked Sasori in a whisper.

"Yeah. Kisame, Hidan, and Zetsu should be seniors but they failed the eighth grade on purpose so we could all be in the same year." Sasori offered in a whisper back to me.

"Now, that's what I call dedication…" I mumbled to myself.

Suddenly, the second cop, who had finally regained his composure, stood up. He walked, all pride though he'd just been nearly killed by Zetsu, over to me. He seemed to be a damn condescending fool. He was even more stupid by thinking that he could just grab my upper arm and wretch me off the floor without asking.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I demanded, surprised by his audacity.

"Taking you to a safe place." He told me quietly, obviously embarrassed at my outburst and slightly intimidated by the glares all the guys were giving him. They were stiff and crouched, ready for a fight, but the first cop had his gun out again.

"This _is_ a fucking 'safe place' you fuck-tard!" I screamed, struggling against his grip but he was dragging me with both arms around my waist now. "You bastard. You fucking bastard!"

He hauled my ass out the door, to the elevator, across the lobby, up another elevator, down a hallway, and to a door. He opened it and threw me in. I was still cursing him to hell and struggling, but when he threw me and I hit the floor of my properly assigned dorm room that I shared with Tenten, I realized I was crying. "I hate you…" I mumbled weakly, embarrassed.

Officer #2 ignored me. "You'll be under constant surveillance by police officers. They will stand outside your dorm at night. They will take you to you classes. They will follow you to your meals. They will be armed." He said professionally.

I understood even if he'd explained in the simplest of terms. I was going to be babysat.

"Why?" I asked hopelessly.

"So you won't go back to the Akatsuki." He stated, looking at the window.

"Why?" I asked again. Not in the annoying, childlike, 'Why? Why? Why?' way, but it a 'give me more than that' way.

"It's for the best." He mumbled.

"_Why are you doing this to me?_" I demanded.

He finally looked at me. He had dark eyes. "The Akatsuki are not the kind of people you want to make friends with. You've only known them a week, and you've already ditched classes, damaged school property, and pulled a fire alarm to start a game of tag." He listed off my discretions. "You're peers and teachers have expressed concern for you."

"Orochimaru is the one that sold me out, isn't he?" I asked, already knowing it was true.

He ignored that. "The school and the police department have decided to put you under surveillance so make sure you will, from now on, be safe."

"For how long?" I asked him, my voice cracking, the tears still streaming silently down my face.

He ignored me, turned around, and slammed the door behind him.

I knew what that meant.

_**Forever.**_

I sat there for a few minutes, trying to compose myself. I wiped my eyes with my wrists, sniffed, and looked over my shoulder at Tenten. She was buried under her covers so only the top of her head stuck out. She had pity in her eyes, but she didn't know what to do. We got along well but she was a year ahead of me and all wrapped up in her boyfriend so we'd never been happy, cuddly roommates. I'd never confided in her.

I turned back towards the door, ignoring her presence. I knew there was only one person I wanted to talk to. I wanted to tell her that Naruto probably hated me, that I was sorry for ditching class, and that life was so unfair. I wanted to tell her about the guys and how amazing they were. I wanted my mother. There was this bitter, hollow taste in the back of my mouth of a silent scream.

I fell onto my side, curled up in a ball on the floor, and cried, not caring if it kept Tenten awake.

--.--

I woke up empty. It was a Saturday and about 1 in the afternoon. Tenten was not in the room. She had probably escaped to Neji. People got together and broke up in our school often, but those two were a teenage relationship record. They had been exclusive since sixth grade, always in harmony with each other. They were our school's personal power couple.

I got off the floor and went to the bathroom. I then changed, crawled under the covers of my bed, and used the clothes the Akatsuki had lent me as a pillow. I then entered a state where I was awake, but not alive.

Around dinner time, Tenten came in with a tray of food. She set it on the tabled between our beds before sitting on her own bed, and opening a book. A few hours later, she closed the book, turned off the light, and turned towards the wall.

Once I was sure she was asleep I ate a little of the food, but not much. I then willed myself to sleep.

--.--

She was gone when I woke up again. I had a feeling she had decided not to bring Neji around anymore so I wouldn't have to see them together. I appreciated that, I think, deep down.

She'd left a new tray of food, but it was just cereal and some fruit: things that wouldn't get cold if I didn't wake up for awhile. She was considerate. The clock read 9AM. I ate the strawberries. I offered a small surrender and drank the orange juice, too. Then I ate the cereal. It was soggy. Eating it was my soft core version of self torture.

When I finished, I put the bowl back on the green tray and did something I had never done before.

I went on the balcony.

Every dorm room has a balcony. They're packed so closely together that the building looks kind of like a hive from outside. Nobody uses them. First, the doors are rusted and hard to get open. The glass is grimy and once you've opened the grimy glass rusted doors some they jam and you have to do your best to slip through them to even get on the balcony.

The balcony itself is tiny. They're made of rotting, splintering wood that could stab through army boots at times. The view was bad, just a few rooftops before you get cut off by the school football stadium. You can't see anything past the "GO LEAVES" sign.

Who supports the leaves, anyway? What football team is going to be afraid of the leaves? Fluttering paper? Really? Our schools founder was an idiot. Just looking at it angered me. After about five minutes in the air that wasn't all that fresh I went back inside, wrestled the door closed, and crawled back to bed. Slowly, I became numb.

--.--

Tenten returned around eight. On her back she had my school bag. She also carried a shopping bag, inside were the clothes I'd left in Akatsuki's dorm. When she placed them on my bed in front of me, I could only stare.

"So this is it, huh?" I asked her.

"You'll have to go to classes tomorrow." She said gently.

"Yuck." I said, mostly to myself. I pushed my things off my bed, turned towards the wall, and closed my eyes, hoping to god that sleep would claim me soon, before I had to think.

--.--

Tenten's alarm went off at 6AM on Monday. She silenced it quickly and went to the bathroom. Twenty minutes later, she exited, bathed, clothed, hair done. She shook my shoulder, even though I was already awake.

"C'mon, Sakura." She urged softly. "Get up; you have to get a shower. I'll get your clothes for you."

I obliged, knowing my hair missed its children's tangle and tear free scented shampoo. I went to the bathroom, stripped, and stepped under the hot water. Tenten opened the door just enough to drop my clothes and a towel on the floor for me. I took my time and even blew dry my hair instead of letting it air dry. I put on the clothes Tenten had left me: my favorite pair of jeans, a long, ribbed purple shirt, and my Volcom jacket.

I applied some eyeliner and mascara, which I had but only used about once a week when I had the time. I looked in the mirror. My hair looked boring, just hanging there. I threw some in a bun but left most of it down. Now I looked like I was bored and that's why I went the extra mile. I added lip gloss to balance everything out. Now I just looked like I sometimes cared about appearance. The effect was nice.

It was 6:55 when I stepped out of the bathroom. Tenten was waiting for me, relaxed on her bed, reading a book, next to both of our packed school bags. She looked up and smiled at me.

"You clean up well." She said, sincere and kind. Maybe we could become friends.

"Thanks," I mumbled, since I'd never been able to take compliments well without getting embarrassed. I tucked my hair behind my ear as a distraction. This action reminded me of the first time I spoke to them.

_--.--_

"_Well hello, __sexy__." The same voice said again only huskier. He was one of the five famous juniors. Hidan of the Akatsuki. Most memorable trait, he curses. He slicked back his already slicked back silver hair and approached me with the heir of a predator, approaching its victim._

_Even though he was pretty scary right now he was made even more intimidating because he was __hot!__ Every member of Akatsuki was. No one but me seemed to think so though. Most people were too fucking terrified to notice they were goddamn drop dead gorgeous. Plus, back then, I was still nervous around guys. I know, I'm weak._

"_Hey," I said, pleased that it sounded more confident than I felt. Despite my inner terror it seemed like I looked pretty normal. I wasn't huddled in a corner or anything at least. This is a step in the right direction._

**Stop cowering and rape, girl! RAPE!**

Uh, no.

_Inner Sakura moped and I pushed__ that__ mental disease away._

"_Hey, aren't you a sophomore?" A boy popped around the corner that was easily recognizable, Tobi, the cutest member, donning his eye-patch._

"_Freshmen, actually." I corrected trying to avoid his very Naruto-like eager gaze. I tucked some of my hair behind my ear as a distraction._

_--.--_

I un-tucked my hair, not wanting to think about it. Tenten handed me my bag and I hung it over my shoulder. Normalcy returned and I felt déjà vu of my first day back at school after winter break. I couldn't even fathom that it had only been a week ago.

"Ready?" Tenten asked kindly. I had taken so much time in the bathroom that I had knocked her off her schedule but she wasn't even mad at me for it.

I took a deep breath.

"Let's do this."

--.--

As promised, I was stalked by police everywhere. It was annoying and freaky.

Naruto returned to my side as if nothing had ever happened. He didn't mention the Akatsuki, or any upperclassmen at all except to say hi to Tenten. He seemed to credit her for my return to the world of the social.

The first week was hell.

I was given a bitch load of make-up work from all my teachers, occupying my mind completely. I absorbed each day at a time, drawing up intricate schedules to get all my work done on time.

The Akatsuki did not come to sweep me away. I never saw them. The cafeteria catered to all the classes but they never entered it.

The second week was a week where I was on auto pilot.

I ate, slept, and hung out with Naruto. I attended all my classes and completed all my homework. It was so easy, no longer a challenge, to do the school work.

The guys never showed up to take me away, no matter how much I wanted them to.

It was already February when I woke up.

Actually, February 6th, a Wednesday, at 11:13PM to be percise. The weather was cloudy and cold, a snow sotrm was supposed to grace us with its presence at aorund 3AM the following day.

I was doing homework on my bed when one of my text books fell off and on to the floor. Refusing to just get up, I leaned over as far as I could to pick it up. So far, in fact, that I fell off the bed and toppled to the carpet. I spotted something that caught my eye, before I could right myself.

"Are you okay?" Tenten asked, sitting on her bed and reading.

I ignored her completely. Halfway under her bed was another one of her magazines. It had landed there open. It was open to an advertisement for Shark Week on The Discovery Channel.

"I wonder what they're up to right now…" I mused.

"I heard they're on complete lock down, even worse than you." Tenten responded. "Apparently that's why they haven't kidnapped you yet."

"I'm blue, da ba dee da ba da…" I sang.

"_What?_" Tenten asked, totally baffled and slightly insulted that I had ignored her.

_--.--_

"_Eh? What's wrong?" Kisame asked with a hint of concern and started towards me._

_My humming tune changed to 'Blue (Da Ba Dee)' immediately and without my consent._

_--.--_

"_So… why am I here?" I heard the logical part of my mind ask and I stopped ogling Deidara._

"_Initiation," Kisame answered. He was smiling evilly at me._

_--.--_

_It took six machines to get all the laundry in. These boys must __hate__ doing their laundry. I finished starting up the sixth machine then took a seat on top of it to count my loot. They followed my example and soon we were all rumbling on the machines. Three-hundred twenty-eight dollars and seventy-two cents. Fools._

_--.--_

"Three-hundred twenty-eight dollars and seventy-two cents…" I muttered, coming to a realization.

"What?" Tenten asked again, this time shocked.

"THREE-HUNDRED TWENTY-EIGHT DOLLARS AND SEVENTY-TWO CENTS!!" I screamed. "THEY LEFT ALL THAT MONEY IN THEIR POCKETS!"

"What are you talking about??" Tenten demanded, appalled by my outburst. I'd been zombie girl for a week.

I turned to look under my bed and pulled out the sock full of the money. I had unconsciously stuffed it there. I thought about what I could buy.

"You know the two things I always wanted?" I asked Tenten.

"…No… What?" She asked, terrified of my insanity and thought process.

"An iPod and a cell phone." I answered her.

"…so…?" She asked.

"I want a phone with a camera, and games, and internet, and texting. Your phone has texting."

"And…?"

"Give me your phone. Help me escape. If I do, the policemen will go away and you'll be allowed to bring Neji back in here. I know they won't let you bring him in here since it's technically against school policy." I outstretched my hand. "Give me your phone." I whispered.

Hesitantly, she removed her cell phone from her pocket and handed it to me, never breaking eye contact.

Then, for the first time in my life, I texted.

"Hello everyone in Tenten's phonebook! This is Sakura Haruno, and by now you've heard the gossip. Get on your balconies NOW or face Akatsuki's wrath!! (Please pass this on to everyone else in school, too)"

I then ended with a smilie face and sent it to Tenten's entire phonebook.

The phone took about 5 minutes to send it to everyone but after it read 'Send Successful', the chorus of hundreds of text message alert tones shattered the air. Then, another wave as the text was sent on, and again, and again. After the text message frenzy, balcony doors were forced open on all floors, in every room.

Grunts and kicks of frustration blended together as mostly bare feet padded onto their balconies. Murmurs rose in the air as they spoke, wondering what was going on.

I walked out onto my own balcony and leaned over the edge to look at all the students on their balconies above me. Directly above my dorm was Ino. She stood alone, as her father found it suitable for her to enjoy a single, unlike every other student on campus. She looked down at me.

I climbed on the rickety railing and grabbed onto the floor of her balcony. I met her gaze, as I hung there. "Help me up?" I asked her.

She smiled, grabbed my arms, and with strength I didn't know she had, lifted me onto her balcony over her railing. I repeated the process onto the balcony above hers, belonging to a surprisingly strong Hinata, Neji's cousin.

The dorm above hers was empty. I leapt to the balcony next to hers instead. This was also empty. Above it was Karin and Konan. They weren't people I knew anything about except their names, but they lifted me up like we were old friends. I smiled at them as I was lifted up again by two strangers, and again by a few girls from the varsity soccer team. Up and up and up until I reached the tenth floor. This dorm belonged to Temari.

She wore her sandy hair in its school-wide famous, four-pigtail style. She was a cold senior that intimidated most, not to mention her younger brother that terrified the school. He'd been expelled for a Halloween rampage earlier that year. No one was quite sure what had happened but he'd drenched the school in chicken's blood and signed his name in spray paint after breaking in on the thirty-first.

Yet, for some reason, she smiled at me.

"I'm going to push you up to the roof. Run directly across to my brother's room – Not _Gaara_, Kankuro," She added, seeing my look of horror. Even I wasn't brave enough to mess with Gaara. "He's old friends with Sasori, kinda, so he'll get you to your friends safe and sound." She explained.

"Oh, um, thanks…" was all I could manage. Temari was the cool beauty on campus and for her to show kindness to a loser nobody freshmen like me was kind of a big deal.

She held out her hands, palms up and fingers laced, and I put my foot in them. She heaved and I scrambled onto the roof. I leaned back over, once securely up, and called back to all of them.

"THANK YOU!!"

A few cheered good luck, others laughed, and some just smiled in a kind way. I hadn't realized I had so many supporters. I turned around and raced right over, directly across, to the other side. I peered over. About a hundred or so boys were out on their balconies, staring back up at me. Directly beneath me was a boy with brown hair and purple face make up.

He smiled goofily, held out his arms, and without hesitation, I jumped into them. He set me down on his balcony. "Thank you," I whispered, breathless.

"You have no idea why everyone's helping you, do you?" He asked, smiling.

I shook my head.

"Well most have shallow reasons that since you started hanging around the Akatsuki, they stopped beating people up, but that's not why Temari is supporting you." Kankuro explained.

"Then why?" I asked.

"Because you gave them a chance. I guess she kind of thinks of the Akatsuki like she thinks of Gaara. They're threatening, just like Gaara, and no one has ever given either a chance… until you." He explained. "Come to think of it, you should probably meet Gaara one day…" He mused.

I smiled. Well, he did have such nice siblings, so how bad could he be? Plus, I've heard Naruto talking about him sometimes. "I'd like that."

"Cool!" Kankuro smiled again, and produced a rope ladder. He threw it over the edge of the balcony, after securing one end to the railing. "Okay, so Akatsuki's room if four floors down, directly below us. Good luck!"

And with that, I climbed over the ledge, got on the ladder, and descended four stories. Some guys cheered and others that were close enough offered high fives. I even passed Neji and he seemed pleased that he'd have his room with Tenten back since his was off limits (you can't get it on when you room with Rock Lee).

I reached the dark balcony that I knew to belong to Akatsuki, and stepped onto it. Suddenly, I was nervous. Did they still like me? I swallowed my fear and pried the door open.

_Whee! Long chappy for all my lovely reviewers!_


	11. Sound Argument

_Okay, so this was originally typed on my graphing calculator during a particularly boring block of math. Enjoy._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 11**

**Sound Argument**

I reached up, running my unpolished fingernails across my temple and into my hair, catching the loose strands and guiding them behind the arc of my outer ear, but half way through the process I froze. What was there to be nervous about? My compulsory habit to tuck my hair to distract myself from embarrassment seemed worthless here. I knew it in my gut. I was where I needed to be and where I was meant to be. I was on a balcony in freezing temperatures wearing a short, slightly tight because it was old, sleeping shirt standing outside the current residence of the best friends I ever had. This was where I was meant to be.

So I let my hair fall and smiled as some strands landed in front of my face, right where I liked them to be, comfortable. I reached out with both hands, gripped the rusting lead-painted glass door handle and pulled with all my might. It would not open.

_**Typical.**_

I had to agree with my inner. My life really can suck sometimes. I looked around hoping to find a paintball gun or something that break the glass or get me inside. I spotted a potted small tree in the shadows of the corner of the balcony. Inside the pot I found a pocket knife and a bic lighter. Next to the plant was a watering can. In the opposite corner was a shirt and next to it was Sasori's bag of mysteries. The bag that had produced my kitty outfit, ears, leash, and who knows what else. He was probably hiding it from the cops.

I went over to it and rifled inside. Cat ears, propane, another lighter, a machete, a super soaker, duct tape, nylon cord, glow in the dark body paint, a bottle of hot sauce, a Pinocchio doll, and a roll of wire lay inside it. I took the wire and put everything else back in, trying not to think about why Sasori had these things.

I took the pocket knife from the potted plant and quickly scratched a large circle in the grimy, disgusting glass. I went over the scratch many times to make it deep enough. Next, I unrolled some of the wire and heated it with the lighter. When a portion was hot enough, I placed it in the groove made by the scratch in the window. Soon, the full circle was filled. I then dunked the abandoned shirt from the corner into the watering can of very, very cold water and laid the shirt over the circle and held it there to soak the glass thoroughly because, technically, to cut glass this way, you're supposed to submerge it.

_**Lucky for us, they don't use tempered glass for the balconies… yay for cheap school!**_

Finally, I felt a little give. I prepared myself, and pushed my shoulder against the glass. It gave way and a rough circle broke free. I caught it before it could shatter on the floor with the edges of the shirt. Holding it carefully, I climbed through the hole and into the room and set the glass and shirt on the floor. The room was dark, but it was filled with a lot of deep breathing sounds so it had to be Akatsuki's room since no other dorm holds so many people.

Due to the fact that there was now a giant hole in the balcony door, the room was freezing and I was wearing skimpy clothing. Plus, all the adrenaline from the eventful evening and reawakening of my common sense and need to be surrounded by hot guys had tuckered me out. Kisame was closest, as he was on the floor, so I lay down next to him, crawled under his blankets, and cuddled closer to his body heat. I promptly fell asleep.

-Sleep-

I was awoken by a crash, as was everyone else in the room. One more fucking time the goddamn door had to be fucking kicked in. Was this a pastime or something? Kisame began to sit up but then he froze. He noticed I was clinging to his side. He looked at me, totally shocked.

"Where is she?!" The officer at the door demanded.

Oh crap, I was 'she', wasn't I? Because Kisame slept on the floor behind the last bed, the cops could not see him or me. I looked up at Kisame, pleading with my eyes for him to find some magical way to teleport me away. He smirked evilly. I smelled chaos, and I welcomed it. Kisame gripped the corners of his blanket and engulfed me in his arms. He then stood up and I was forced to stand up with him, hidden entirely under the blanket. Kisame hunched his entire body so I could hide comfortably in the open space his blanket cloak made.

He coughed convincingly and spoke in a hoarse voice.

"Where's who?" he asked, his body quivering as he said it.

"You know goddamn well who. We went to Sakura Haruno's room this morning to tell her she had a snow day but she was already gone. I don't know how you got past the night guard but I know it was you miscreants that took her!"

"We couldn't have taken her without you knowing it. You have us ankle-bracelet tagged, remember, un?" Deidara reminded him.

_Ankle bracelets._

_**Like those things from **__**Disturbia**__** that track a person's whereabouts?**_

_No wonder they couldn't come and get us._

"Plus, I have been sick with swine flu all night and didn't sleep so I know that no one left. Plus, how could we have gotten past you? You have three guards standing outside our doors all night." Kisame said.

"You… you have swine flu?" The officer asked, fearful.

Kisame gave a very real-sounding sniff. "Yup," he said proudly. He then coughed hugely on the officer.

The officer screamed, covered in Kisame's germs and saliva. He ran from the room. "I've got the swine!" he cried all the way down the hall ways.

"I'm surprised she escaped." Sasori said from somewhere in the room.

"I'm surprised she didn't come here immediately if she escaped her watch dogs." Itachi mused.

"I'm surprised nobody noticed the giant hole in your balcony window." I put in, poking my head out of Kisame's blanket.

Reactions were mixed. Hidan didn't seem to know what to do with himself. He was half sitting up, shirtless in bed, and something about his Jashin necklace dangling in front of his bare stomach seemed sexy to me as his mouth formed words that he couldn't quite articulate. Itachi was smirking, as if he expected this result all along and was happy it had occurred. Zetsu was raising his eyebrow at the hole in the balcony sliding glass door with the smallest of smiles gracing his lips. Oh, I had _so_ impressed him.

Kisame hugged me around the shoulders from behind. His stomach, in all its six-pack glory, was almost even with my shoulder blades, he was so much taller than me. But even a back as broad as his could not stand up against the full impact of a team glomp by Sasori, Deidara, and Tobi. Laughing and screaming we all fall down.

And I was on the bottom. Insert glee-tastic face here, please.

Once we had all calmed down, Hidan started pulling them all off of me. He had a little difficulty getting Kisame off (let's face it, the guy is a giant), but he managed it, he picked me up, and he hugged me. He smelled like Hidan in every way, a scent all his own. When he put me down I stood there, looked at him, and spoke.

"I'm hungry."

I laughed with them.

"Let's get you some food then, un." Deidara said, as he grabbed my hand and led me away.

We went down the elevator, out of the dorm building, and to the cafeteria. Inside, everyone was eating breakfast and planning snow day activities. When we entered we didn't do anything special like freeze in the doorway or announce our presence or anything but as we passed Temari's table on our way to the breakfast line she began to clap and everyone in the room followed suit.

Neji and Ten Ten stood up, smiling and applauding and others did the same. Some people, some I didn't even know, stood on their tables and applauded us. I felt the heat rushing to my face as I giggled.

"I guess everybody loves a happy ending," I whispered to Hidan who was smiling proudly.

"This isn't a fucking happy ending. This is just the beginning." He whispered back.

"Don't be so sure. Trouble at 12 o'clock." Sasori whispered from behind us.

I looked ahead of us and there it was. Well, not so much an 'it' as a man but whatever. He was tall with fantastic jet black hair that was dulling with age and tied at the nape of his neck. His eyes were onyx like Sasuke's but he had Itachi's signature dark circles. Our city's district attorney and head of the police department, Itachi and Sasuke's dad, Mr. Uchiha was standing in our cafeteria, arms crossed, next to two all too familiar police officers.

"I'll take care of this." Itachi volunteered, his voice suddenly crisp, his eyes narrowed.

I gulped, not knowing what to expect. At a table closer to his father was Sasuke who kept switching between glaring at Itachi and staring adoringly at his father.

_**That boy has got some serious issues…**_

_How'd we ever like him…?_

_**MAJOR lapse in judgment on your part, I'd say.**_

_MY part? Excuse me, where were you?_

_**I wasn't on the scene yet. I'm your sanity. I only appeared after you met the guys because that's when you got cool.**_

_You are so not my sanity. I was never NOT cool._

_**You used to prefer Sasuke to ITACHI. Case and point.**_

_Fuck you._

During my little mental relapse, Itachi had sauntered right up to his father in the cafeteria in front of our whole school. His father looked at his antagonizing for a few minutes of palpable silence before he spoke, broken by Itachi's stiff glare.

"Itachi." Was all he said.

"Father," Itachi responded, nodding only slightly in recognition.

"Is that her?" Mr. Uchiha asked, nodding in my direction, making a face as if disgusted by my very existence.

"Who's 'her'?" he asked, looking even more upset with his father.

"That poor, innocent little girl I hear you've been corrupting." He answered smartly.

Itachi smirked. "Sakura?" he called, then looked over his shoulder at me. "My father thinks you're an innocent little girl. Prove him wrong."

_**Do it.**_

"My pleasure," I replied, smirking, playing along with the game. Zetsu was closest.

I seized the front collar of his plain black T-shirt, pulled him in, and captured his lips. Zetsu was quick to respond. He put one hand on the small of my back and pulled me into himself so I was arched against him. His other hand was so obviously on my ass. My hands abandoned his shirt and found his velvety smooth locks of green hair and immediately became lost.

Our lips separated at the same time but his tongue was quicker. I moaned under his assault.

Finally, Mr. Uchiha cleared his throat rather loudly and we broke apart. When I opened my eyes, every guy in the whole cafeteria was looking at me like I was their wet dream come true.

"See, she came to us corrupted." Itachi said nonchalantly.

"Was that supposed to be a sound argument or are you just messing with me?" His father asked sarcastically.

"I thought it was a great argument." Zetsu said with snark I didn't know he had.

"Yes, I think so too. We should make that argument again sometime." I said to Zetsu with equal snarkiness.

"I think that I would make a better argument…" Kisame put in.

I leaned over to him slightly and sang:

"Pablo~." (_A/N: if you don't remember, please reference chapter 7)_

Kisame started turning green over his blue skin at the memory as Sasori laughed his ass off.

"Corrupt or not, you still need to call off your dogs." Itachi said to his father, acknowledging my jab at Kisame with a reminiscent smile.

"Give me one good reason why I should." Mr. Uchiha said, standing his ground and glaring more than ever at his eldest son.

"Because instead of wasting the police force's money on overtime for these bozos to watch us, you should probably invest in ankle bracelets that teenagers _can't_ get off." He answered, holding up seven mutilated, but removed all the same, ankle bracelets.


	12. Behind Enemy Lines

_Sorry about the wait. Extra-long chapter for you guys, the very best fans evers._

_This was written on a particularly spazzy note. Here is your mid-week snack. Devour quickly for best flavor. Leave a review if you want seconds._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 12**

**Behind Enemy Lines**

Mr. Uchiha was pissed. Oh-so pissed. So pissed, in fact, that he demanded Tsunade at least put us all in detention for a day for destroying the ankle trackers. She obliged grudgingly because Mr. Uchiha frequently made donations to the school. Damn you, new library wings. Anyway, we missed out on the snow day, but the good news was that the cops _were_ called off and we were free.

I began sleeping in their dorm again but I attended my own classes so as to avoid unwanted attention. Naruto accepted me back just fine even though he had seen me and Zetsu's very public and very widely heard of kiss in the cafeteria. You'd think something like that would send him a message but if anything at all, it had just encouraged him. Instead of giving up his creepy crush on me, he'd tripled his attempts to make me his girlfriend. And he was not the only one.

The male student body, for the most part, had decided that if I was willing to make out with a convicted criminal who was bi-colored in front of the whole school, the faculty, and the police force, then I must be easy. I'm not easy, though, I just have a soft spot for the Akatsuki. Either way, a huge rivalry broke out amongst the boys. Naruto fought most of them off during classes but there were simply too many. As he was telling Choji that I was not going to screw him in any dimension, Kiba snuck around to ask me if I liked my men wild.

The hallways were much worse, when I was surrounded by many more guys. The only uninterested ones were taken, gay, or Shino who doesn't actually count at all because he's less of a student and more of an insect on the walls of our classrooms that we have learned to ignore as he plays with the roaches and stink bugs in the corners. The only safe times were when I was with the guys. The other boys in school were persistent, but they were not about to cross the Akatsuki. If a boy were dumb enough to say 'hey, sexy' to me while one of the Akatsuki were around, they were pretty much guaranteed to wake up in Ecuador.

It was in this state of minds that the days began to pass again. Midterm results were passed out (I got full marks) and I helped the guys with their math homework every day after classes. In fact, it was already Friday before I realized something very crucial. I was sitting on Itachi's bed folding a pair of neon green boxers discussing the content of his A.P. European History textbook when it finally occurred to me. "We haven't gotten revenge on Orochimaru yet!"

Deidara, who was holding up a paint brush he had stolen from Sasori claiming that it was not a tool to produce art, froze and dropped the brush. Sasori, who had previously been trying to get the brush, ignored it. Zetsu looked up from his book. Kisame and Tobi, who were reading a comic book together stared at me, shocked that they hadn't remembered either.

Hidan was the first to speak. He paused his iPod, which I was extremely jealous of since I wanted one really bad, and declared "That fucking creepy, snake-loving bastard!" Either he really didn't like not having me around for a while there or he still held that grudge against Orochimaru for waking him up in the middle of the night to take me away.

"He is Voldemort…" Sasori whispered dramatically.

"But we…" Tobi continued, even more dramatic, "are Dumbledore's army…"

"So let's kick some Slytherin ass!" Kisame declared.

"That was way too much Harry Potter referencing for me… hold on a second." I leaned over the side of Itachi's bed and pulled out a sign from beneath it. I held it up for all to see.

"We do not claim rights to Harry Potter, Voldemort, Dumbledore's army, or Slytherin, un." Deidara read out loud.

I moved that sign out of the way so a new sign showed.

"We also don't own ourselves…" Tobi read sadly, admitting to the fact.

"Good, now that we're not getting sued," I said, tossing the signs behind me, so they flew right into the numerous sleeping bags clogging the hole I cut in the balcony door. "Let's plot properly."

Sasori picked up his paint brush giving Deidara a look that clearly read "I told you that paint brushes were useful" as he produced a small paint bottle. He dipped the brush in and began writing directly on the wall in the blood red paint. In big, dripping letters, he painted out Orochimaru's name. It looked like a murder scene once he had finished.

"Okay men and sexy freshmen!" Kisame said primly, standing up and throwing out his chest. I blushed at the off-hand compliment. "This is our target! How do we take him out?" He asked, slapping the name with a pink fly swatter he had gotten out of Sasori's bag.

Plans of extortion and black mail were thrown around wildly. Framing Orochimaru for child abuse, prostitution, being a pedophile, and rape were popular. Beating the crap out of him until he begged for mercy was also a major crowd pleaser, but not many seemed plausible. The risks of framing someone of doing something so extreme were grave and as far as we knew, Orochimaru was a creepy guy but not dangerous. He actually seemed like a butterfly next to Hidan when he was in one of his Jashin moods. Finally, a very plausible and good idea was thrown out by Hidan.

"Let's take all of his shit!" He suggested, very nearly giddy at the idea of Orochimaru being without all of his things.

"What are the consequences for full out theft?" Kisame asked, turning to Itachi who had his father's law book in front of him.

"With our records they would not make juvie an option for us and we'd all be legal adults by the time a theft trial was fully held, so if we are convicted, probably ten to twenty-five in jail." Itachi reported, flicking through some pages carelessly.

"_If _we're convicted," Tobi responded, sounding more mischievous than usual.

"And that's a big 'if'" Kisame agreed.

"We've never been caught other than _confessing_…" Zetsu said with a very pointed look at Sasori.

"If I hadn't told them I was the vandal, they would never have known how good an artist I was." Sasori defended.

"I hardly think a giant painting of crack baby puppets is art, un." Deidara criticized, as he believed art shouldn't last for eternity but for just a split second, thus, he has an explosion fetish. "I agree with Hidan, though, un."

"Fuck yeah!" Hidan whooped.

"I'm on board with the whole thieving idea." I raised my hand.

"You!" Hidan declared, pointing at me. "You are a good fucking person!"

_Wow, he really enjoys people agreeing with him._

_**He's really hot, too.**_

_Shush._

"Then let's do it," Sasori declared.

"Okay." Kisame agreed, smiling broadly at the prospect of becoming a robber.

"Then, perhaps, Itachi and I should break into the office and get his file so we know his address." Zetsu suggested, putting his book down on his bedside table, right next to Gertrude who's pot still read 'Save a Plant, Eat a Vegetarian'. It was kind of funny, because Zetsu really didn't eat any plants. Mainly just meat. He's an oddball…

_**Really hot oddball that's good at kissing.**_

_Shut up already._

_**You know you want another kiss.**_

_Shut the fuck up!_

_**Nevers~**_

"Then the rest of us can take Tobi's car!" Tobi volunteered. "It has enough space for all of us!"

"But what do we do with the stuff?" Kisame wondered aloud.

"We turn it into art, un." Deidara decided, sliding a large box of gun powder out from under his bed and flicking his lighter absentmindedly.

"I guess I could appreciate your art just this once." Sasori responded jokingly.

"It's only eleven, so the school isn't locked down yet." Zetsu observed.

"Then let's go!" Kisame yelled.

We all changed into all black clothing quickly. I wanted to give them all war paint but they refused to let me near them with makeup. I'll get them in their sleep later.

Itachi and Zetsu, the smartest and therefore best computer hackers, headed off to the office to look up Orochimaru's file. They later called us with the address once they had it and we were all to pile into Tobi's car. Tobi brought his camera too, to film the little adventure just for fun.

Walking to Tobi's car, I am not sure what I really expected but definitely not what I got. I mean, this is Tobi. He should be riding around in a smart car or a mini cooper if not on a tricycle in a football helmet. He should not, however, be driving. And definitely not be driving a monster truck. No lie, this beast took up two spaces on its own and it looked a lot like the fricking Grave Digger (you should google that if you don't know what it means). The impact shocks on the bottom were a neon green and the body was black with misty green flames painted on it.

I froze, honestly, when I saw it. Then Tobi just has the balls to just stand there in all his eye-patched glory and say:

"Ah, the Tobi mobile."

"Are you okay, Sakura?" Sasori asked me, turning around to see why I had stopped so suddenly.

I slapped myself but the truck was still there. "Oh my God…" was all I could say.

Tobi turned around, looking heartbroken. "Does Sakura not like the Tobi mobile?"

I just started laughing. "I love you, Tobi." I managed to speak through giggles.

"Yay! You were right, Hidan, this monster truck _is_ a chick magnet!" Tobi cheered, dancing around happily.

"When I said that, I was fucking kidding. I didn't actually think that you were such a fucking shit-for-brains that you would fucking go out and actually buy one." Hidan said, a little peeved I hadn't confessed my love to him.

"Tobi, you are so ridiculous." Kisame chortled, patting the hood of the monsterous vehicle. He was the only one of us that could actually reach the hood because the wheels were so big. Curse his tallness.

"Agreed, un." Deidara confirmed, ducking down only slightly to walk right under the truck to the other side.

"You think it's cool, don't you, Sakura?" Tobi asked.

"Way cool. I don't even think I can get in it, though, Tobi, it's so tall." I admitted, gauging the difference between my foot and the passenger door. I gauged it to be about seven oompaloompas before Kisame scooped me up, hopped easily on the ledge, opened the passenger door, and deposited me in the seat. He then took great pleasure in strapping me into the off road harness, hands lingering in certain places longer then strictly necessary.

Hidan slid in swiftly next to me, un buckled, and Tobi got in the driver's seat. "Er, Tobi, you _do_ have your license, right?" I asked, this suddenly occurring to me as Kisame, Deidara, and Sasori clamored into the back seats.

"Yup, for a whole week!" Tobi announced, smiling from ear to ear.

Before I could run for my life, Tobi had pulled out of his spot, stun around, taken out a stop sign, and sped out of the parking lot blasting music from the stereo. Orochimaru's house was about a twenty minute drive from the school and when we got there it was empty.

We pulled around to the other side of the block so it wasn't so obvious we were there since Tobi's car was overly recognizable. When Tobi out the car in park, Hidan hopped right out as did all the other boys as I wiggled my way out of the off road harness. Once free, I looked over the ledge to Hidan waiting at the bottom. Glad I had opted for black form-fitting jeans instead of the kitty-costume skirt Sasori had been insisting on, I hopped down into Hidan's arms.

He caught me bridal style and held me there for a split-second before setting me on my feet. Finally, the weight of what we were planning settled in over my brain. My heart beat quicker in an enjoyable nervous way. My eyes felt wider and I felt more awake as the adrenaline took to my veins. I seized Hidan's hand, lacing out fingers loosely, and pulled him towards the others waiting for us at the corner.

Orochimaru's house looked large from the outside, we went around the side that the empty driveway was not on and looked in the back most window. It was his bedroom. Kisame opened it easily.

"The stupid bastard doesn't even lock his windows." He chortled.

"At least we won't have to _cut a hole in the glass_." Sasori smiled joyfully, giving me a completely innocent look.

I glared at him for the jab. Kisame climbed in the window first. He got stuck half-way through since he was so huge and the window was pretty small so the boys made Tobi push his butt through. Tobi cried throughout the process before also climbing in with his camera in hand, followed by Deidara, Sasori, and Hidan.

Sasori leaned back out of the window with an open phone in his hand. "Here," he said, holding out the phone for me to take. "You're on speaker with us. Go to the front of the house and keep watch."

I pouted, upset I wouldn't be part of the actual stealing part, but I took the phone anyway. I was about to stomp away, as I turned, but I turned back around and pecked Sasori on the cheek. "You better not get caught." I told him, genuinely worried.

Sasori touched his cheek unconsciously, smiling a bit. "That's why we're having you guard."

I rolled my eyes and tuned around to leave but a finger dug into my back pocket to hold me back. I turned around and saw Hidan holding me there. "Where the fuck is my good-luck kiss?" he asked angrily, hanging out the window where Sasori had just been.

I raised an eyebrow at him but backed up so I was near him. I knelt down and pecked him on the lips. He froze, having not expected it, and I skipped away happily to the front of the house to watch for Orochimaru.

About ten minutes later, a pair of headlights came swinging around the corner. I moved into the shadows on the side of Orochimaru's house only to see, in the light of a street lamp, that it was Orochimaru's car…

_**Fuck, fuck, fuck!**_

"Shit!" I cursed loudly.

"What's up?" Sasori asked through the receiver. He'd heard me curse.

"Voldy has returned! Get out now!" I yelled at them.

On the other end, Tobi squaked nervously and I heard him knock something over.

Orochimaru pulled into the driveway. He got out of his car and I heard the door slam. I turned the cell off speaker and pressed it to my ear.

There was a brief scuffle, a grunt, and then:

"Kisame, your fat fucking ass is stuck in the window!"

"Shut up!" I hissed.

Orochimaru's front door squeaked open, then slammed shut.

_**We're going have to distract Orochimaru long enough so that they can get out and we can get away.**_

I lunged toward the now closed front door. "Call me when you guys are out, I'll buy you some time." I instructed into the phone.

"He's coming into the room…" Tobi whispered.

_A/N: I know, this is a mean place to stop. I'm sorry. Um, but not to fear, the next part is written down, I just have to type it up. So the break shouldn't be a long one. Unless there are no reviews… then I won't update._


	13. In the Lion's Den

_I'm soooooo sorry this took forever. There was a boyfriend, and text message breakup that sort of broke my heart, and I got all depressed, and then my sister abandoned me with a kitten. And then the kitten scratched my cornea so I went to the hospital. And I got an F in history so I'm kinda screwed so I am typing up this chapter in secret!! Don't tell my mom, please. Okay, let's do this._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 13**

**In the Lion's Den**

My finger must have hit the doorbell just in time. Tobi didn't scream, so he hadn't been discovered. I could just see it in my head. Orochimaru had walked directly across the living room behind the front door to the entrance to his bedroom. He was beginning to open his door, exhausted from work and wishing for nothing more than to lie down, when my fingers struck the doorbell. The two tone tune echoed in the house and inside his brain. He sighed heavily, annoyed, and dropped his hand form the doorknob to turn towards the front door. There was a split second's indecision, where he wondered whether or not it was worth it to open the door. Then the thought had occurred to him 'What if it's important?' So he decided to end this quickly, strode heavily back across the living room to the front door, and swung it open irritably only to find, to his surprise, me, waiting on his doorstep.

"Hi," I said in probably the most awkward tone possible. Like in an unconvincing 'I'm not trying to distract you' voice.

"Good evening…" Orochimaru replied. He seemed very suspicious of me. And I can't really blame him. He didn't look like the dour science teacher at this moment. He looked, actually, young. His hair was limp and free after the long day and it hung in his face like a disheveled teenager's would. His clothes had also changed. He was wearing dark, loose jeans, and his black collared shirt was un-tucked. The top two buttons were undone which is something I couldn't fail to notice because he was standing a little too close. He also smelled a lot drunk. "Who are you?" He asked after a long pause.

_**He's so drunk he doesn't recognize us! This will be easier than we thought!**_

I don't know why I was getting this creepy vibe from Orochimaru but I was. What if he was a freak? I suddenly was having deranged visions of him stalking my facebook and sneaking into my dorm at night to steal my underwear. But he was a teacher… But he was scary…

"My name is…" I fumbled around in my head for an answer and suddenly one just flew out of my mouth like projectile vomit. "Ping."

_**Seriously? You're thinking about **_**Mulan**_** at a time like this??**_

_I can't help it. It's such a good movie._

_A/N: For all those who don't know or remember, Mulan gave her name as Ping when asked at troop training camp._

"Okay… Ping," Orochimaru drawled out, sounding highly unconvinced, "what are you doing on my doorstep?"

"I'm… conducting a survey?" I hoped he would buy that.

But, apparently, he was not drunk enough to believe that. "A door-to-door survey at midnight?"

Uh-oh. What now? "Okay, okay, you got me, I'm not really conducting a survey." I put my hands in the air to show him my innocence and put on a fake guilty face.

"How shocking." He replied sarcastically. "So what are you doing on my doorstep, then, _Ping_?" He asked, saying my name like he didn't think it was really my name.

"I need a cup of flour for some cookies I'm making and I saw that your front light was on so I came over to see. I know it's cliché to ask a neighbor for a cup of flour, but I really like cookies and what are neighbors for?" I made up on the spot like a cute, good little girl.

He looked shrewd but decided to go for it. He stepped aside. "Come on in, the kitchen is this way." He said, gesturing to an empty door frame leading to what was obviously a kitchen if the stove and refrigerator I could see was any hint.

I smiled politely, like I really was just a young neighbor girl looking for a cup of flour. I needed to buy the guys more time, as the cell phone, snug in my pocket, had not rung yet. It was not yet safe. So, I squeezed inside, relieved my stalling plan was going so well. But I say 'squeeze' because Orochimaru was still standing next to the doorframe and it didn't appear he was going to move until I had passed. So I squeezed. It was tight fit, my hips bumped his and at one point my nose was all up in his chest but he didn't seem to mind, nor care at all in any way, so I ignored it and continued.

Once completely over the threshold and able to properly breathe again, I was shocked at how sterile Orochimaru's house looked. Like, I expected it to be clean, since he's such a strict guy, but this was ridiculous. Nothing was out of place. There was a magazine on the coffee table in front of the couch that face the television but it didn't seem coincidence that it was perfectly aligned to the right angle of the table. The remote was on top of the magazine, dead center, as if meticulously placed there. All the blinds on the windows were opened exactly the same amount so that they let in enough light, but also eliminated peeping eyes from viewing the inside.

There were no DVDs lying about, or a blanket upon the couch, not even slung over the arm, and all the pillows were perfectly aligned, and the carpet was so clean I could even see vacuum lines in it. There wasn't even a stray sock or a pair of shoes. His bag containing, no doubt, lesson plans, was hung on a hook beside the door. The whole room screamed of an anal inhabitant. If Orochimaru didn't have OCD, no one did.

Orochimaru 'ahem'd pointedly, interrupting my inspection, and walked purposefully to the kitchen. I skipped behind him, happy that this was so easy. But if all he did was give me a cup of flour, this wouldn't last much longer, and I needed more time.

His kitchen was just as clean as the living room. The only thing on the counter was a wooden block with half a dozen black knives' handles sticking out. No cutting board in sight. No dishes in the sink. No pots or pans dotting the counter. Not even a dribble of food on the spotless linoleum floor.

Orochimaru quickly removed a measuring cup from the highly organized cabinet under the counter and then immediately withdrew a large ten pound bag of flour from a nearby cupboard. This wasn't going to last long. How was I going to stall? I needn't have worried, because, as I took a step forward to say something, anything, to stall from more time, I slipped on the waxed floor, and flew right into Orochimaru's back, who lurched forward onto the bag of flour in his arms, which exploded under his weight and coated the whole kitchen and both of us in powdery whiteness.

I clung to Orochimaru's waist from behind, to keep myself from falling, my legs not very steady, and I didn't want to let go now that I'd so destroyed his perfect kitchen and I really didn't want to see his face now. He was so going to be pissed. Oh, so pissed. I could feel waves of danger rolling off of him. Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no…

"Are you okay?" Orochimaru asked, quietly, sounding perfectly polite, after a very long, shocked pause.

"Ah, yes!" I said, quickly, removing myself from his person. "I'm so, so sorry, Orochimaru! I'll clean this up for you!" I offered quickly.

"Oh, no, that won't be necessary, I have a maid that comes once a week and that day just happens to be tomorrow, so I can just have her clean this up." He replied, turning around to face me with a smile I had never seen on his face before. Somehow, even though it seemed very nice of him, I was not comforted. "Unfortunately, though," he went on, "We are both quite a mess…" He looked down at his shirt that was now ghostly white, the exact opposite of what it had been before. After a second of contemplating this color change silently, he began unbuttoning it right then and there.

Inch after inch of creamy pale flesh was revealed to me slowly, in an almost hypnotizing fashion. "Wh-what're you doing??" I asked nervously, as he completely removed his shirt. Does this count as sexual harassment?

"Well, I'll have to wash it immediately, if I don't want it to be ruined. You should probably do the same, I can wash your clothes here." He suggested, now removing his now-white sneakers to reveal untouched, perfectly black socks. I shook my head at him quickly, like the virgin girl I was, looking at him like he was mad. I'm only fourteen! What the hell is he trying to pull? "What?" Orochimaru questioned my hesitation to strip in the middle of his kitchen. "We're both adults here, aren't we?"

_**Fuck, since when were we an adult?!**_

_But if we tell him we're just fourteen, he'll probably just chuck us out right here and now…_

"Uh, yeah, of course!" I said quickly, hoping he didn't catch the glazed look in my eye that I normally have when I talk to Inner Sakura. Well, it wouldn't hurt to take off my coat. Slowly, I unzipped my black hooded sweat shirt that was now completely white. Underneath, my tight ACDC shirt was untouched. There would be no reason to remove it, thank god. But my jeans were another story.

I moved my hands, hesitantly, to the top button, thinking up ways to stall, as Orochimaru removed his belt. I paused. No, no way was I doing this. But the guys…

"C'mon, Sakura, take it off," Orochimaru hissed in an excitedly sadistic kind of voice that could have been joking.

"Um…" I began, then froze. He'd just called me Sakura. I looked up from the top button of my jeans to see Orochimaru right in front of me, holding a knife from the wooden block right next to my neck.

"You called me Orochimaru, earlier, when you were apologizing." He said slowly, moving his head to one side to look at me in the most threatening possible way. "Then I remembered you, the pretty little freshman I got busted all those weeks ago."

"No…" I whispered, locked by his eyes, so shallow and transparent. I never should have agreed to do this. I never should have come here seeking revenge.

"Ah, but yes. I figured something like this might happen now, as those Akatsuki sure do have a thirst for vengeance, but instead you came here. I wonder why that is?" He drawled on, never letting his eyes stray from mine.

_**He thinks we came alone. This could be good. At least the guys can get out. They just need some more time…**_

I was out of time though.

"Unless," Orochimaru continued, tauntingly, "you're not alone. I could have sworn, right before you rang my doorbell, I'd heard a whisper from my room. It sounded like your retarded little freak of a friend with the eye patch."

I was genuinely scared now. I was locked in a staring contest with a homicidal maniac that has a knife to my neck while my best friends in the world are stranded in his bedroom trying to escape. But, even so, when people make fun of my Tobi, I get pissed. "He's a pirate!" I snapped at Orochimaru. "And he's not fucking retarded, bitch, you are, if you think even for a second that you'll get away with this!"

"Oh, I'll get away with it, trust me." He smiled, running the cold blade across my throat.

"I'll tell on you!" I yelled, knowing how childish it sounded but not caring. I closed my eyes with a snap and turned away and began backing up but he grabbed my arm, hurled me around, and pinned me against the counter. His hips ground into mine painfully. I wiggled and tried to get as far away as possible, but all I managed in accomplishing was making him moan as a lump grew in his pants and his chest pressured mine until my back was against the counter.

"Then I'll just have to silence you." He said, as if he expected as much from me. The hand not keeping me at bay with a knife reached up and drew a roll of duct tape from a cabinet overhead. Using his teeth, he tore off a small piece and wrestled it onto my mouth. Then he ripped off a larger piece and taped my hands together behind my back, forcing me to arch up against him.

Who was this guy? In just a matter of minutes he'd gone from harmless science teacher to experienced serial killer. He must not care about keeping his job at all, or he was just that confident in his ability to kill me and keep it quiet.

_**Well, hot damn, we're fucked.**_

_Don't move on to acceptance already!!_

_**Look at the situation we're in! Maybe if we just be a good little victim, he'll pity us and let us live out our lives in his basement or something.**_

_I refuse to give up._

_**Sweetie, we're bound and gagged. He's stronger than we could ever hope to be. We have no chance. He's going to kill us. He's also probably going to rape us. Give up.**_

_No!_

But despite my resovle to fight, I began to cry, trashing about against Orochimaru's body, hoping to somehow attain freedom but he really was much stronger. He seized a fistful of my hair and yanked me off the counter. "Now, let's go see if we can find your friends in my bedroom, shall we?" He taunted, dealing the final blow.

I'd lost.

It was hopeless.

He stood behind me, one armed wrapped around my waist, the other holding the knife to my neck, and forced me to walk. I continued to weep and struggle but in the end I was forced to trudge to his bedroom and push the door all the way open.

Inside, it was empty.

My last hopes had vanished. The guys had escaped but not called me. The window was closed again, the room exactly the way we found it, and the guys were nowhere in sight. They'd abandoned me. I was disappointed, but still somewhat ecstatic. They wouldn't be caught up in this anymore. The whole tag game, and the ankle bracelet thing had gotten them in so much trouble and it was my entire fault. At least, this time, I hadn't dragged them into my shit. I'd never see them again. I'd never fuck them over with my very existence again.

"Hmmm…" Orochimaru pondered. "It seems they weren't here. Or they abandoned you."

I smiled against the duct tape despite myself.

Orochimaru's inflection suddenly changed to one of anger. "How disappointing." He snarled.

He grabbed my hair, causing several strands to part company with my skull painfully, and hurled me onto the bed with great strength. He stalked towards the edge as I laid there quivering in fear. He reached the edge of the bed and looked down happily at my terrified form that I assumed looked much like a wounded animal. The sick bastard. The knife glinted dangerously in his hand but I didn't care. Fuck this bastard. If I was going to die, it wasn't going to be without a very exciting fight.

For a second, Orochimaru was distracted. He looked to his own bedside table and saw Tobi's camera, its red light blinking up at him. I toke this moment to strike.

I swung my legs around to strike him in the thigh at the same exact moment that a pair of legs under the bed nailed him around the ankles in the other direction. His feet went flying in one direction as his hips went in the other and his head crashed right into the corner of the bedside table as he flopped unconsciously to the floor. Sasori scrambled awkwardly out from under the bed and looked at me. "Why am I always under the things you nearly get raped upon?"

Remembering Itachi and the game of tag and the firefighters, I began quaking with laughter and relief, crying harder than ever before.

_A/N: Awww, see, ain't that a cute ending to a very scary chapter? Sorry to all Oro fans, I needed a bad guy. This chapter is very relevant to future wars against Orochimaru. Wanna see what they do next? Wanna know if Orochimaru is REALLY unconscious? Is he faking or is his injury perhaps more serious than we all thought?_

_Without reviewing, you may never know!!!_


	14. Being a Ninja is Hard

_WE'VE HIT 300 REVIEWS! THANK YOU TO ALL! I LOVES YOU! CHAPPY FOR YOU!!!_

_Okay, I am SO sorry this took forever. This is actually the fifth time I'm writing this chapter. I'm arming myself with a half-gallon of ice cream, two liters of mountain dew, and writing until my fingers fall off. Enjoy._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 14**

**Being a Ninja is Hard**

Sasori might be the most gangster person I ever met. He just whips out a pocket knife like it's nothing to cut the duct tape off my wrists and I can't help laughing harder against my duct tape gag at his bad-assery. I used my then free hands to pull the tape away, band-aid style, and my laughing stops. There is a split second of silence.

"OW!" I yelled, the sting totally hitting me all at once.

"Are you okay?" Sasori asked, concerned, reaching towards me without actually knowing what he was going to do.

"Yeah, it only hurts a little," I answered, rubbing my lips. Then I smiled as happily as I could at him, "Thanks Sasori!" and with that he got a hug. Then I realized I was getting flour all over his black clothes. And I had to wash those! I let go and sat on my knees on Orochimaru's bed, which was very comfortable, by the way. "Sorry. So, where's everyone else?" I asked cocking my head to the side. It was just then that I spotted a large, black object in the ceiling corner by the door.

Just as I looked at it, the giant black blob fell. Then, moaning, it stood up rubbing its head. From the black blob, Tobi's voice said "Being a ninja is hard!"

"Guess that's why you're a pirate." Sasori snickered back at Tobi as I broke down laughing again.

As it turns out, everyone had been there, except Itachi and Zetsu of course, who were still back at school. Hidan had disguised himself, somehow, as the tall lamp in the corner, holding the lamp shade over his head. Kisame had put himself in the closet. Sasori and Hidan cracked a few "coming out of the closet" jokes while Dediara, who'd just been standing stealthily in a dark and shady corner, threw in a "Pablo will be happy now that you've officially gone to his side, un."

Kisame, in true Kisame style, got embarrassed, hit Hidan, and told Deidara to make gay jokes _after_ he cut his hair. Hidan, mad that he had gotten hit, teamed up with Deidara, also pissed, to tease Kisame about his never getting laid. Kisame blushed purple under his blue skin. I stood up, hugged him, glared at Deidara and Hidan, and said, quite simply "C'mon, Kisame, let's go devirginize you."

Hidan's jaw dropped. "Fuck! No! Sakura, you should fuck _me_!"

"No thanks," I smiled sarcastically at him, turned towards Kisame, grabbed the front of his black coat, and raised myself on tip-toes closer to his face. "C'mon, Kisame, let's do it like they do it on the discovery channel." _A/N: Not a quote I came up with. Referenced from the song "Discovery Channel" by Bloodhound Gang._

Maybe it was all the blood rushing to his face, but right then Kisame passed out. "I feel flattered and somewhat lethal." I declared, fists on hips, smiling at the ceiling.

I turned to see Deidara, Hidan, Sasori, and Tobi all lined up. They were staring at me with their mouths hanging open with just a tiny hint of drool in awe of my bounced back insanity. Just then, Hidan's phone vibrated in his pocket. He broke eye contact with me to pull it out of his pocket and flipped it open.

"It's fucking Saturday." He said, looking at the phone. It must have been an alarm.

"Cool?" I answered, not sure why he'd set and alarm for Saturday.

He looked back up at me, smiling viciously.

Kisame, behind us, stirred. He sat up, rubbing his eyes, and asked "It's already Saturday?"

"Apparently." I told him, unsure of the significance.

"Sakura, today is-" Deidara began to say but cut himself off.

Orochimaru had woken up. How long ago, I have no idea, but he had hooked his hand around my ankle and pulled. My skull hit the floor hard, before the rest of my body did, and it hurt.

_**FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK**_

_SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT FUCK DAMN!!!_

Dazed and disoriented from the major head injury while simultaneously blinded by the cloud of flour that had come off of me when I hit the floor, I was unable to do much except flail about which seemed to work suprisingly. I crawled onto my hands and knees and tried to get away but he grabbed my ankle again, so I kicked him in the face with my nice black now white heels on. They will forever have bloodstains on them from where they collided with his nose and I can't really bring myself to care.

There was a sickening crunch from his face upon meeting my shoes and his grip loosened, so I scrambled up, threw myself into Kisame's arms, Tobi grabbed the camera, and we made our escape. Kisame scooped me up bridal style as we raced through the front room, their sneakers leaving mud everywhere which made me smile, out the door, down the sidewalk, around the corner, and right into the monster truck. It took a split second for Tobi to get it in gear, run over the car parked in front of us, not even kidding, and drive away at 78 miles per hour in a school zone.

Several minutes of lights whooshing past me, Tobi pulled over on an abandoned residential street, turned the car off, leaned back in his seat, and sighed the sigh of a man who'd lived a thousand years. Without my jacket, which was still in Orochimaru's kitchen, covered in flour, I was freezing, and for a few minutes my chattering teeth were the only sound in the car. That is, until Hidan leaned forward and draped his coat on me like a blanket. Between that and Kisame's chest, which I was clinging to, I was okay.

"Well… that was frightening…" I mumbled, trying to break the silence, to escape the crazy, creepy reality back into my hot guy dream land where nothing bad ever happens.

"Are you okay, Sakura?" Kisame asked with uncharacteristic gentleness.

I tucked my hair behind my ear and stared at the zipper drawn all the way up on his coat. It was surrounded by a tiny white hand print. I never realized how small my hands were. How small I was. How weak I was. I was so utterly vulnerable. And Orochimaru's not totally built but he's strong and tall. If Sasori hadn't been there, would I have been able to escape? I doubted it. "I'm fine." I said, finding comfort in his large embrace.

He tightened his grip around me as Deidara leaned forward from his back seat location. "Liar." He accused, glaring at me fiercely in the darkness. "No one would be 'fine' after something like that, un."

"Yeah, seriously, what the fuck were you thinking?" Hidan asked angrily.

"I didn't want you guys to get caught." I answered shyly, blushing at my own idiocy and simultaneous dedication.

"Oh, so it'd be so much fucking better for you to be fucking _raped_ and fucking _murdered_ than for us to be accused of breaking and entering?" Hidan snarled.

_**Don't tell me we just fucking risked our life for this ungrateful bastard.**_

"How the hell was I supposed to know he was a freak?!" I demanded, becoming more and more like my inner.

"We fucking put you on guard to keep you out of trouble and you just fucking jump right into trouble's fucking lap!" Hidan retorted, not bothering to answer my question.

"So what?" I asked, barely keeping my anger at bay. "I'm just supposed to lie about while my friends get caught for attempting to rob their teacher? You would have gone to jail!" I yelled at the end, untangling myself from Kisame to get in Hidan's face.

"You _were_ supposed to just lay the fuck about! What's it to you if we were to fucking go to prison? At least you would have been fucking peachy, safe in the fucking school!" Hidan yelled right back.

"It means everything to me if you go to fucking prison, Hidan! What would I do if you guys weren't there when I woke up in the morning?! In case it escaped your notice, I'm only interested in hanging you with you guys, so stop treating me like an outsider!" I screamed, howling like an animal, tears streaming down my cheeks, finally, caking flour to my face.

"I treat you like a fucking outsider because you are a fucking outsider! Why would you even want to fucking enter our world?! You can't be on the inside because you can't fucking handle the inside! Akatsuki is no place for delicate little girls!" Hidan yelled, stabbing me right through the heart with his words.

"Is that what you think of me?" I whispered. "That I'm a delicate little girl?" I put them together. "How dare you call me a child?!" I howled in rage, bringing my face closer to his and letting all hell break loose. "Well I've got news for you, bastard, I'm not giving up! I will get to the inside! And you wanna know why? Because I love Akatsuki! And I love you! And you're all I have so fucking deal with it! If you didn't want me around, you shouldn't have lead me on for a month! I thought we were friends and I thought I could trust you and I risked my life for you back there, so why the fuck are you still being such a douche bag?!"

Hidan looked away for a minute as I panted after my rant. Then he looked back at me, hovering above him angrily. Slowly, his lips came up to meet mine. Next thing he knew, he was flat against his seat with a stinging red handprint across his cheek and his coat he'd given me thrown into his lap and I was out of that car and walking away as quickly as possible, wiping away my tears, and shivering crazily.

I heard the engine roar to life as Tobi out it into gear but I didn't want them coming after me. I ran into the trees behind someone's house without them seeing and heard the roar of the monster truck fading away as they went in search of me. Or just back to school. Who knows or cares, because I sure didn't. I leaned against the back of that house for a few minutes drying my tears and wiping as much flour off of me as possible.

Then it hit me that I hadn't any clue where I was. I looked to the heavens to ask for guidance when I saw the Academy looming in the distance. We were only a little ways from school, possibly a 45 minute to one hour walk. Something about the angle and these particular trees struck me familiar. It all seemed very familiar, but it all came back fuzzy at first. The memories I was recalling now were from a different life that contained a different me. But I remembered it all the same. Tobi hadn't known where he was driving, so I didn't blame him for this, but it's kind of disturbing to find yourself leaning against your old house and not even knowing it.

My parents had raised me here. I used to run around and play with all the other kids in the neighborhood. Naruto even lived a few blocks away. When I was little and upset, I would crawl out my back window and hide right here, to escape my parents for whatever thing they'd done that day that I found wrong, like their crazy demands for me to clean my room. Then, just one morning, they left like they always did in the mornings, for work while I was still asleep. It was Christmas break so I was home and I was taking the opportunity to catch up on my sleep. But they never came home. First they were a few minutes late getting home. Then an hour. Then a couple hours. Their phones weren't receiving a signal so I kept getting forwarded to an automatic message that told me to try again later. Then, at around midnight, a police officer was on my doorstep to deliver the news.

I felt sick at the thought. At the memories. Of that day. Of everyday since. And especially of tonight. I leaned over a tree trunk, and puked. Then I sat down against the house, as I'd done a thousand times before, and wept silently, whishing I wasn't so stubborn and that I could just go home. At that moment I hated the world and everything in it.

I woke up a few hours later in the same spot. My parents had been unable to find me once again. Though this time it was probably because they were dead and not because they were lacking a little in the brains department. By the position of the sun overhead, it was about midday. I wondered briefly what the guys had done or if they were worried, but that thought just pissed me off so I shook it away and forgot it.

I wasn't full of hatred any more. I was empty. I'd continued crying in my sleep and my whole body felt empty and dehydrated. My heart ached more than my stomach though. I looked over my shoulder at the window next to me that I had crawled out of a million times. How often I had loved my quick escape and thanked the lord for giving me a one story house. Like all those million times before, my stubbornness and anger had faded into regret and sadness and extreme loneliness.

Against my better judgment, I stood up and peered through my old bedroom window, cupping my hands around my eyes and against the glass. When my parents died, the house was sold in a nanosecond by some guy who kept it for insurance reasons. Inside, my room was blank and empty. All my posters had been stripped from the walls. I'd put them there to cover the pink paint that I'd hated every day of my life after I turned eight. Someone had repainted them white, a blank canvas to be filled once more with someone else's life. My bed was gone and there were lines in the carpet where my dresser used to be.

Everything from my pre-parental death life had been taken away, stripped of value, or completely disappeared all together. This was not our house anymore, empty of all the familial love it had once contained. Pictures are different when you know the people in them are dead. Not even I was capable of providing evidence to their existence, so warped and changed in the past six weeks as I was.

I sat outside my old house for a while longer before finally caving. I stood once more, and opened my window. The lock was activated but I'd broken that years ago. I crawled inside and went to the bathroom. I splashed myself with water from the tap to clean myself up and I ran my fingers through my hair to save it just a bit from utter hideous-ness. Once I was presentable, I went into the kitchen to use the phone but it wasn't connected. Then I remembered I still had Sasori's cell in my pocket.

After hitting myself in the head for forgetting, I used the address book saved on the phone to call Hidan's cell phone.

"Sakura?!" Hidan's voice came over on the other end after only one ring.

"Hey." I said softly. "I need your help."

"Anything! Fuck, I'm so sorry I was such a fucking jerk last night. If it makes you feel better, Itachi handed me an ass-whooping when we got back to the Academy after we gave up on finding you. What do you need?" He jumped at the opportunity.

"I can't hold myself together when my arms keep falling apart." I confessed. "I need you to keep me in one whole piece."

"Where are you?" He asked.

_A/N: Awww, I thought that was a sweet ending!!_


	15. Valentine's Day

_A/N: Whee, totally updating EARLY for once! It's a Christmas miracle!! When was the last time I posted something without having to apologize for the wait…? Chapter 1, I think…._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 15**

**Valentine's Day**

I told him that I was right where Tobi had parked last night. He said he was on his way and hung up after promising to make last night up to me. And he definitely made it up to me. I went around the front of the house and sat on the doorstep to wait and a few minutes later _it_ happened. First, Hidan pulled around the corner, swerving because he was going too fast and leaving skid marks in the pavement, in a black Novitec Rosso Ferrari California. Behind him, a monster truck did the same and I could clearly see Tobi inside. Behind them was Deidara on his black Harley Davidson Screamin' Eagle V-rod. Next was Itachi in a black and red Dodge Viper SRT10. Then Zetsu rolled up in a neon green Nissan Altima hybrid. Then there was Kisame in a blue Aston Martin DBS. Last was Sasori, who rolled up in a blood red Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG.

_A/N: I seriously recommend looking up the cars these guys are driving; I died a little inside trying to find the perfect ride for everyone._

_**Damn, they're fucking rich.**_

_And hot…_

_**Verrry hot.**_

_Sexy._

_**I'm surprised you haven't fainted yet.**_

_I don't wanna miss this._

_**Good, because they're getting out now.**_

_Oh, good lord!_

Then, as if the freakishly beautiful cars were not enough to make me pass out, they all park along the curb in front of my old house and out step these gorgeous young men in tuxedoes all toting flowers, chocolate, or a teddy bear. Either they were walking in slow motion, or my mind was unable to process the ultimate hotness of the scene.

Hidan slicked back his already slicked back hair and looked at the sun, carrying a bouquet of roses over his shoulder. Tobi had a brown teddy bear under one arm while the other swung free. He was looking at me and smiling. Deidara had a heart shaped box of chocolates in one hand as he walked across my lawn towards me, looking like he knew he was the epitome of hotness. Itachi, like Hidan, had a bunch of roses but these were blue, and he held them cradled in his arms as he looked me up and down like a predator. Zetsu carried a single white rose in one hand and Gertrude in the other hand and, with his head hunched; he looked at me from beneath his eyelashes. Kisame carried a giant white teddy bear on his back and smiled largely at me with his pointy teeth. Sasori carried nothing but walked with his hands behind his head, looking greatly pleased with himself.

Everyone stopped about three feet from me except Hidan, who walked right up to me, handed me the flowers, and said, in a very sexy voice, "Happy Valentine's Day, Sakura."

_**Alert! Alert! Blood pressure rising! Don't faint, goddammit! You have to stay awake for this!!**_

My body reacted only to Inner me's orders. The flowers found themselves alone on my doorstep as I had abandoned the stoop for Hidan's muscular arms, wrapped nicely around my waist, my own, skinnier arms, weak and breakable, were around his neck. It didn't matter about the fight anymore. Orochimaru didn't matter anymore. Everything had been decided many weeks before. I had knocked down a door on the roof and, due to that, everything since had happened. I believe there was a great reason for it. I don't think I would have been capable of carrying on the way I was if I had never become friends with the Akatsuki. I would never have been able to survive without their friendship that had, many a time, borderlined on inappropriate. These things did not matter. It didn't matter if I was weak and small and pathetic and, in many ways, broken beyond repair. All I needed was someone to hold me together, and I had officially entrusted this job to the Akatsuki. Not Naruto. Not that creeper teacher. Them.

"You know, if you wanted a hug, all you needed to do was ask." Hidan breathed in my ear. It was the longest sentence I had ever heard him say without cursing.

I giggled but did not remove myself from his person. "Thank you." I breathed back. "You're warm." I commented as I sucked up his body heat.

He laughed lightly. "My car's warmer. Climb in and we can go home." He said.

I loosened my grip around his neck so I could lean back and look at his face. "Home, please!" I exclaimed, smiling a big, sincere smile, finally letting him go. I picked up my flowers and walked towards their cars in a group with my seven favorite men ever. I climbed into Hidan's car, which was as warm as he promised it to be and, with his arm slung over my seat, Hidan drove me back to the academy with four cars, one motorcycle, and a monster truck following behind us… at eighty-seven miles per hour. Needless to say, I hastily fastened my seat belt and held on for dear life.

We were back at school in a record breaking four minutes without a single cop trying to pull us over. I have lost all respect for the police force….

We pulled into the junior parking lot and went straight to Akatsuki's room. Ten minutes later found me on the floor of their dorm in the arms of a giant white teddy bear, eating chocolate, surrounded by flowers and overly gorgeous men in tuxes.

"So what's with the penguin suits?" I asked, biting into a toffee.

"We figured they'd make you blush the most," Kisame chortled, already having the top three buttons of his undone, revealing several inches of blue, sculpted chest.

I blushed at my predictability. "And the giant teddy bear?" I asked him.

"I just figured that every time you hug it, you'll think of me." Kisame said suggestively.

"Well I am _now!_" I whined lightly. Kisame had just turned a cute teddy bear into a weapon. "Though at least it's not blue…" I trailed off, surveying one of the white fluffy arms coming around my side since I was pretty much sitting in the teddy bears lap. Then I remembered Kisame's ulterior motive, imagined the teddy as Kisame, and suddenly felt awkward. It was completely illogical but now I was blushing. "Dammit, Kisame. You just ruined this teddy bear for me!" I complained, inching away from the Kisame-bear slowly.

Kisame just laughed. Tobi came up and shoved the much smaller, brown teddy bear he had gotten me in my face. "You like Tobi's teddy, don't you, Sakura?!" he asked, looking sad. Upon closer inspection, I noticed the bear had a mini eye patch just like Tobi did. I laughed and hugged this bear close partly because it was cute, and partly to get revenge on Kisame by making him jealous that I liked Tobi's more innocent teddy over his suddenly perverse one.

"Hey, Itachi?" I called, while simultaneously hand feeding Tobi one of my chocolates.

"Yes?" Itachi looked up from the book he had already become absorbed in since we got to the room.

"How'd you know I liked blue roses?" I asked, honestly curious. Only Naruto knew things like that.

He looked a bit surprised that I'd even brought it up and just a tad embarrassed. It was so… not Itachi of him but also so adorable. "I asked your friend, Naruto, about a week ago."

"You had this all planned?" I pressed, curiosity perked by the timing.

"Well, not in the way it happened, obviously." Itachi said, offhandedly, throwing a glare at Hidan who flinched under the look. "But I wanted to get you something I knew you'd like and he just seemed like the person to ask."

"And you didn't beat him up or anything?!" I asked, shocked. I'd seen Naruto within the past week and he didn't look hurt at all, but Naruto and the guys had not gotten along any time that I had ever seen them together.

"No. He's a friend of yours, so I refrained from injuring him bodily." Itachi smiled innocently… too innocently….

_When he puts it like that…_

_**It makes him seem like he injured Naruto **_**mentally….**

"Maybe…" Itachi responded casually to my thoughts, shrugging his shoulders.

I flinched involuntary. I'd forgotten Itachi could somehow read minds. No matter what he said about me being an open book, it was just too accurate. He had ESP, or _something._ I changed the subject quickly, to avoid impending confusion and fear. "Sasori, you didn't give me anything." I pouted with a slight hint at joking in case he really didn't get me anything because he didn't like me or anything.

"Oh, yes, I _did_." Sasori whispered evilly. His smile quickly became devilish, like this was exactly the moment he had been waiting for.

"Really?" I inquired happily. "Where is it?"

Sasori stood up and held out his hand to me. I took it eagerly, forgetting how demonic Sasori can sometimes be. I should have been more cautious, but I was reckless so I took his hand and he pulled me to my feet easily. He then steered me until I was standing at the side of his bed.

_Is the gift under his bed, or something?_

Once I was standing right where he wanted me, Sasori walked around the other side of the bed and flopped right on it to lie down, hands behind his head, looking expectant. "Please unwrap me at your convenience." He instructed, looking at me with the face of a hellion. A _very sexy_ hellion….

_**Well? Unwrap your gift, girl!**_

_Oh, shut up. I'm not a complete slut… at least, not entirely!_

_**Boring!**_

And Inner me went to pouting. Itachi chuckled from his seat, having heard my inner mind conversation. I shuddered at the lack of privacy while all the other guys glared viciously at Sasori. Hidan jumped onto the bed and Sasori rolled off of it before Hidan could body slam him. Instead, Hidan flopped on an empty mattress and bounced right back into the air, while Sasori leaped ninja-like to the bed across from his.

"You're just jealous because you didn't think of it!" Sasori taunted as Hidan got back to his feet on the bed.

"No, I'm pissed 'cause you're such a fucking douche bag, you man whore!" Hidan retorted. Looked like Hidan was back to cursing again.

"Pfft!" Deidara burst out laughing suddenly. "Really, Hidan, are you in any position to accuse anyone else of being a man whore, un?!" He asked while laughing relentlessly.

"Well at least I look like a fucking man, you fucking gay-ass pansy!" Hidan yelled at Deidara, quickly losing sight of his original vendetta against Sasori who was inching closer to me while Hidan was distracted.

Deidara huffed, offended, stood up, and glared at Hidan. "You wanna mess, bitch, un?!"

"Fuck yea, I'll fucking kick your fucking ass!" Hidan yelled back, looking slightly insane with his wide eyes and giant grin.

"Now, c'mon, guys, you should calm down!" Tobi pleaded, standing up and holding a hand up to both of them.

"Shut up, Tobi!" Both boys shouted in unison only Deidara added an 'un'.

Tobi, looking like a kicked puppy, sat back down quickly, and hugged his knees. Sasori had wormed his way next to me, draped his arms over my shoulder, and whispered in my ear, "Feel free to unwrap me anytime."

I smacked him half-playfully, half-embarrassed, shrugging his arm off my shoulders as I stood up in my own attempt to end the fight. "Guys, guys! There is only one way to settle this, okay?"

"And what's that, un?" Deidara asked, hardly breaking eye contact with Hidan to glance at me.

"By me kicking fucking ass?" Hidan suggested.

"Nooo…" I turned him down gently with a steady glare. "By holding a test to check for the proper levels of man whoredom to determine who has the right to call whom a man whore."

"And how do we do that, un?" Deidara asked skeptically.

"Well…" I pondered a bit. "Okay. Raise your hand if you want me to take all my clothes off right now." I said. Every hand went up. Even Tobi's. "Then it's settled. You are all man whores. I hope you're happy." I said, smiling.

"Does this mean you're not going to take your clothes off?" Kisame asked, sounding severely depressed.

"Of course I'm not!" I scoffed.

"That doesn't make us man whores. It just makes us healthy young men." Sasori played devil's advocate.

"Good point." I acknowledged insincerely, glad that Hidan and Deidara were no longer glaring at each other. I figured the storm had passed. "But I'm still not taking off my clothes." I said, and all their faces fell a little more.

"Unfair." Sasori whined and I resisted kicking him in a very particular place.

"Suck it up…" I said to distract myself from the fact that my foot was really itching to hurt him. "I smell like creeper, so I'm gonna grab a shower." I announced and headed for the bathroom, glad to have the opportunity to get rid of the last remains of flour on my being. When I reached the door, something occurred to me suddenly. I turned slowly to face them all, "If you switch my clothes again, I'll hurt you." I threatened, and then stepped into the bathroom, locking myself in.

It was in that moment that I realized I was about to subject myself, once more, to guy products and then end up smelling like men, but it was an improvement over the smell of caked on sweat, flour, creeper, and my house's backyard, so I shrugged out of my clothes, and stepped beneath the piping hot jet of water.

-3rd person P.O.V.-

Sasori chuckled at the girl's parting comment after she had locked herself in the bathroom. Personally, he would not mind having to relive the experience, even if he would have to face her wrath. In fact, he still had the outfit in his bag. If she hadn't locked the door, he probably would have switched out her clothes again anyway, just for fun. "Hey Tobi, can I see your camera?" He asked instead.

"Sure." Tobi said happily, tossing the digital camera to the redhead who caught it easily and immediately began to flick through secretly taken pictures of Sakura from the class pet kitty day. She obviously hadn't noticed, since she'd slept through the whole thing. Kisame saw what Sasori was doing, laughed, and joined him in viewing the photos.

Hidan, too, noticed, but instead of joining them, he scolded them. "You fucktards really are a bunch of fucking freaks." Sasori and Kisame glared at him, angry at the interruption, the insult, and the fact that both had come from such an unlikely source.

"What's _your_ problem?" Sasori asked bitterly but also, slightly shocked. He had fully expected Hidan to join them, and even to make comments about Sakura in the pictures.

"Yeah, Hidan, why _are_ you so pissy lately, un?" Deidara added, who was absentmindedly molding a small amount of clay in between his hands.

"I haven't been fucking _pissy_," Hidan spat, sounding completely pissy in every way.

"Yes you have." Zetsu stated matter-of-factly, joining the psycho-analysis.

"Fuck off!" Hidan yelled at him, getting to his feet once more.

Tobi, who'd been organizing Sakura's gifts for her, while also stealing the occasional chocolate, decided to add his own opinion to the conversation. "Me thinks thou doth protest too much."

Hidan just looked at Tobi and decided to stop yelling so much so as to avoid this accusation's validity. "Where'd you learn such big words?" He sneered sarcastically at Tobi, who promptly shut his mouth and began looking depressed.

"It's not hard to understand your behavior, Hidan." Itachi pointed out, once again lowering his book to give the Jashinist a steely look. "You only get angry when it has something to do with Sakura."

"Shut the fuck up!" Hidan snapped at the Uchiha, as a blush rose to his cheeks despite himself, embarrassed to be read so easily. "That's not fucking true!" He pressed, trying desperately to get rid of the blush with sheer will power.

"You don't like Sakura?" Tobi piped up, looking devastated at this piece of news.

"I don't _dislike_ her!" Hidan snapped at Tobi, sounding simultaneously distressed, embarrassed, and evasive.

"Oh, my _God_." Kisame hissed, standing up to glare savagely at Hidan. He had grasped the real meaning behind Itachi's words.

"What?" Hidan asked him, making it sound like a dare.

"You _like_ her…" Sasori concluded, looking as pissed as Kisame.

"What? And you _don't _like her?" Hidan asked, trying to make Sasori stumble on his words.

"Yeah, but you…" Sasori responded, in a mix of awe and acrimony.

"You're in love with her, aren't you, un?" Deidara finally asked the final question.

-1st person (Sakura's) P.O.V.-

I allowed myself to take my sweet time too, because the hot water relaxed me, and it wasn't until the water turned cold that I finally surrendered and grudgingly stepped out of the shower stall feeling refreshed. In the quiet left without the shower going I heard a bit of a commotion outside the door and recognized Hidan's voice as the loudest one. The guys were probably picking on him again. I giggled, but otherwise ignored it.

I towel dried myself before wrapping it around myself. I then stepped on top of the toilet to move a ceiling tile aside to uncover my bag of clothes within. I had clothes here for situations just like these but they were hidden because I fear waking up to find one of the guys holding my underwear or something. It just seemed like something they would totally do.

Anyhoo, I changed into dark jeans and a form-fitting black tee before stepping out of the bathroom only to find a completely strange sight greeting me.

Hidan was on the ground attempting to strangle Deidara, who was turning very red, with one hand. He was shaking his other arm that Zetsu had, for some reason, bit onto with surprising strength. Meanwhile, Kisame was behind Hidan, holding him in an insane headlock while Sasori was pulling on Hidan's now completely messed up hair and screaming in Hidan's ear. Tobi was standing on one bed, filming the whole thing, while Itachi sat calmly on his bed, wearing earplugs, reading his book.

It took me a second to shake off the overall shock and be able to actually tune into what Sasori was shouting. It was obvious to me that none of them had noticed my re-entering the room and all but Itachi were focused on what Sasori was shouting.

"Admit it! Admit it, now, you shit-for-brains!" Sasori yelled into Hidan's ear as Deidara's face started progressing through the rainbow.

"No!" Hidan screamed, strangled by Kisame's headlock.

"Admit it now!" Sasori demanded.

"Never!" Hidan screamed back, his eyes rolling back in his head while Deidara became as blue as Kisame. Zetsu chomped harder on Hidan's arm, obviously overcome by his other, more violent self. Hidan let out a kind of pained cry, about to break.

"Say it!" Sasori ordered, louder than ever.

"Fine!" Hidan coughed out angrily. "I love her, okay? I FUCKING LOVE HER!" He admitted, letting go of Deidara who immediately rolled over on his side to cough loudly. Kisame removed his insanely muscular arm from around Hidan's neck and pushed the weakened Hidan to the floor and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like 'dumb ass'. Sasori and Kisame then, together, pried Zetsu off of Hidan's now bleeding arm and tried calming him down.

From what I caught of that conversation, when the fight had gotten physical, Hidan had knocked Gertrude over. They tried consoling Zetsu by assuring him that Gertrude would be just fine. Hidan was rubbing his neck, red from where Kisame had gotten a grip on it, when he caught sight of me out of the corner of his eye. He turned towards me looking, for some reason, guilty. "Sakura…" he whispered.

"Love who?" I asked, tilting my head to the side, wondering who that whole thing had been about.

"What?" Hidan responded intelligently, playing innocent.

"You just screamed that you 'fucking love her'. Who's 'her'?" I asked again. Now I was starting to get pissed. How could he be making out with me in elevators and stuffing me in cat suits, and giving me flowers on Valentine's Day if he _fucking loved _some other girl?! So had I been right in the car last night, had he really just been leading me on? The douche bag!

_**That fucker! How can he kiss me when he's in LOVE?! Whoever this girl is, I'll fucking kill her!**_

_Wait…_

_**Why do we want to kill the girl…**_

_And not Hidan?_

_**OH MY GOD, YOU'RE JEALOUS!**_

_NO I'M NOT!_

_**Yes you are.**_

_NO! _You're_ jealous._

_**I am you, idiot.**_

_Shut the fuck up._

_**Wait! What if Itachi's listening to this?**_

I chanced a look at Itachi while Hidan tried sputtering nonsense completely denying what I had just seen with my very own eyes. Itachi was looking at me with a face that clearly showed he was trying really hard not to laugh. I felt my face turn red so I glared at Itachi and looked back at Hidan and tried not to have any more conversations with my inner self. But, of course, trying to censor your thoughts always makes you think 'don't think of anything wrong' and before you know it flashes of a sex scene are playing in your mind. I heard a dull thud but decided not to acknowledge the fact that Itachi had just fallen off of his bed laughing his ass off, successfully creeping everyone else out. That'll teach him to stay out of my mind!

I blushed in embarrassment at what Itachi had seen and them my blushing doubled with anger when looking at Hidan. I was angry and jealous and sad all at once. Did this mean I felt possessive of Hidan even though I had no right to do that? I wasn't an idiot. My feelings could only mean one thing. If Naruto had gotten a girlfriend, I would have congratulated him, but the thought of Hidan even _liking_ another girl pissed me off and made me want to cry and kick said girl's ass all at once. This could only mean one of two things. Either I liked Hidan as more than a friend, or I was just plain emotionally unstable due to stress or some other bull crap. Both seemed completely plausible but I leaned towards the unstable option, hoping that was it, to save myself some disappointment.

Hidan's purple eyes met mine and I realized anew how gorgeous he was. His tuxedo and his hair were all messed up from the recent fight, and it was only now that he was picking himself off the ground, but he still looked like some sort of god.

_**It's called a **_**sex**_** god, sweetie.**_

The fact that he really was way hot and so out of my league and I must have been stupid to even subconsciously think he wanted me pissed me off even more.

_I'm such an idiot!_

I tried to keep my face composed, to not show my envy and sadness, when I had to ask him, "If you're so in love with some other girl, then why the hell did you kiss me?" I met his amethyst eyes, wide and searching, while my own eyes began to tear up. Dammit, I was so weak! I couldn't seem to help the fact that sadness was winning out over anger in my heart and now it was leaking out.

We stood like that, staring at each other, for several seconds that each distinctly felt like eons before I couldn't take his silence anymore. I spun around, threw open the door, and slammed it behind me. I took several long strides towards Naruto's dorm before stopping. I wanted to feel wanted and needed and loved but Naruto brand of it would not cut it for me. He may have been my best friend and most devoted fan, but I knew that I only wanted to be receiving such feelings from Hidan, someone whom I could want and need and love back.

But Hidan was an insensitive jack ass player.

I growled in frustration, spun around angrily, and stomped towards the elevators instead. The fateful elevator Hidan had trapped me in had been recently repaired, I noticed. So I guess the damage Zetsu had done to it hadn't been permanent. It would be a form of self-punishment to enter that elevator and, no doubt, remember the time when Hidan and I had been close and completely in tune with each other but I felt that my absurd audacity to be jealous when hearing of Hidan liking another girl warranted such punishment.

So I got in when the doors dinged open. When the doors closed I continued to refuse to press a button for a new floor so the elevator just remained where it was, dormant. I sat down in the corner of the lift, brought my knees to my chest, and buried my head in my hands. Finally, I let the tears fall.

-3rd person P.O.V.-

The door slammed shut and she was gone, but Hidan couldn't bring himself to look away from it, as if she would reappear any moment and run into his arms like he so wished she would. Not that he'd ever admit that.

"Dammit!" He finally cursed after several minutes. Then he rounded on Sasori, "This is all your fucking fault, you bastard!"

Sasori may have regretted possibly ruining his friend's chances with a girl he was in love with but Hidan's temper only served to put him on the defensive. "What do you mean my fault?! If you could just tell her, none of this would have ever happened! Or, better yet, you could have not fallen in love with her in the first place and we could have just gone on sharing her!"

"Share her?!" Hidan questioned in a growl. "She would have never been happy, surrounded by such half-assed fucking feelings!"

"She looked pretty damn happy when I kissed her!" Sasori taunted with an evil smile on his face.

"You fucking bastard!" Hidan roared; now he was ready to throw himself at the redhead in a fit of pure and absolute rage. "Now she'll never be happy, 'cause you made me fuck everything up!" Hidan yelled.

"I didn't make you _do_ anything! This is all your fault! If you've got a problem with it why don't you just go and tell her!" Sasori screamed back, defending himself by pointing out a solution to the Jashinist.

"Fine!" Hidan decided, sounding very much like a petulant child. With that, he stormed out of the room and down the hall towards the elevators. He quickly decided to push the button for the elevator Zetsu hadn't cut down. For the past month or so, his eyes had rolled over the 'out of order' sign so often that it had become a habit to skip over it and go for the other available elevator, as he did today.

He quickly decided to go for the ground floor, planning to head over to the girls' side of the dorms and try at Sakura's room first. It was only when he was in the elevator on the girls side of the dorm building, staring at the display of buttons listing floors did he realize that he didn't know what floor Sakura's room was on. "Fuck" he cursed before sucking it up, hitting all the buttons on the elevator pad, and beginning his journey upwards.

-

Kisame looked at the door with mild surprise when he heard a knock. Nobody ever knocked at their door, preferring to either just waltz in, or break down said door with a powerful kick. This person must not be Hidan, Sakura, or a police officer, as the rest of the Akatsuki were in the room. So who? Normally Itachi would open the door, as he had the best hearing and normally heard it first, but Itachi still had his earplugs to drown out the sounds of Sasori and Deidara complaining loudly about Hidan's recent behavior.

Having the second best hearing, Kisame determined that it was thus his duty to open the door and on the other side he found something quite surprising. A certain blonde haired freshman in orange pants and a black tee shirt carrying a large wrapped gift waited on the other side.

"Naruto Uzumaki?" Kisame tasted the names, having never used it but remembering that it was, in fact, this boy's name.

Naruto refused to let the shiver, itching to run down his spine at the sound of Kisame's intimidating voice, over power him. "Is Sakura here?" Naruto asked, glaring slightly at the blue man for, one, freaking him out, and, two, for stealing away 'his' Sakura.

"Nope." Kisame answered cockily and, not wanting to give Naruto any more information than necessary, slammed the door in his face.

Naruto huffed at the door, seething with a newly awakened desire to kill anything blue. Then, realizing that on Valentine's Day Sakura wasn't with the Akatsuki made him smile. Obviously, something had gone wrong. This was his chance to make his move, while she was weak and vulnerable and needy from a recent fight with one of the Akatsuki, or, better yet, a fight with the entire group! A grin spread on his face from ear to ear at the prospect of finding Sakura and comforting her in her time of need, thus, no doubt, winning her heart once and for all!

Skipping down the hallway in an insane state of glee, Naruto approached the two elevators there. Seeing that the one on the right, the one that had been broken for a month, was now repaired, he decided to be generous and press the button for it. He didn't want that elevator to feel left out after an entire month of dormancy. The doors slid open, welcoming him into the newly repaired lift. For a second, the ding of the doors opening drowned out the sound of hiccups and sniffling inside, but Naruto soon realized its source came from a pink haired girl hunched over in the corner, crying slightly.

"Sakura?" He asked softly. There goes his happy mood… but, wait, wasn't this what he wanted? Didn't he want to find her first so he could comfort her? So he'd won, right? But he felt no joy or happiness or hope in this lift. He wanted her to belong to him, that was for sure, but not like this. Winning Sakura's heart by underhanded trickery, deceit, and anything that involved him taking advantage of her sadness did not appeal to him.

He sighed at how she'd made him go soft, before stepping into the elevator. He pressed the 'close doors' button but nothing else and looked down at her. After several minutes, she wiped her eyes on her shirt sleeve and looked up at him. Her face was pitiful in that moment. It wasn't as attractive as usual, twisted with anguish while every fiber of her being screamed of her recent heartache.

Naruto swallowed. He may really like her and hate the fact that he knew he had to comfort her when she was wallowing in depression over another man, but he was her best friend first. This was his job and duty if he wanted to hold any hope of her ever truly returning to his side. He would set aside is personal needs for now in order to protect this girl he was pretty sure he loved. He placed the present on the ground before sitting next to the pink haired girl that seemed to have no idea about the effect she had on people.

"C'mon," he said, nudging her innocently. "Tell me what happened."

Broken down entirely by self-loathing over her stupidity and simultaneous depression, she was unable to stop herself. She parted her lips, and out poured her heart.

-

Hidan had not been having much luck in his quest for Sakura. As it turned out, most of the female population had left the school for Valentine's Day to go on dates or hang out with friends to feel less lonely. By the time he reached the fifth floor, Hidan was seething and releasing a string of curse words that was not likely to stop anytime soon. He, once again, went down the hall knocking on every door, receiving no responses until, at room 583, someone called 'who is it?' back through the door at him.

Hidan twitched, having already started towards the next door. But he recognized that voice. She was in his grade and his gym class. Normally he didn't take stock of many of the girls in the school, but this was the daughter of the family that made Hidan's weapons. Hidan had grown to actually sort of like the family because they didn't look at him funny for his love of weaponry nor did they report him to the police for keeping most of their wares at the school.

"Tenten?" He called through the door.

"Hidan?" the voice answered, confirming Hidan's suspicions. In a moment, Tenten opened the door a crack to look up at her tall, silver-haired classmate. He still freaked her out, even though she had seen him many times. She was struck once more at how amazing Sakura must be to be able to accept the Akatsuki so easily. "What's up?" she asked. She didn't want to linger on this, as she had a date with Neji soon, and Hidan gave her the heebie jeebies.

"Do you know Sakura's dorm?" Hidan asked, not caring to clarify Sakura with a last name. he knew everyone in school was aware of Sakura's new relationship with him and the Akatsuki, especially after her and Zetsu's kiss in the cafeteria…. Hidan flinched in anger at the memory and pushed it out of his head.

"She shares a dorm with me," Tenten began but decided to clarify when Hidan twitched in desire to leap for joy. "But she's not here. I thought she'd be spending the day with you."

Hidan sighed, overcome by disappointment all of a sudden. Sakura wasn't in her dorm, so where was she…? Without even thanking Tenten, he turned and trudged back down the hallway to the elevators. He would just have to go back to his dorm and hope she returned.

When he got to the ground floor he noticed, for the first time, that the elevator he and Sakura had kissed in before plummeting to earth due to a certain nature freak was no longer marked off by caution tape. A bittersweet look crossed his face briefly before he pressed the button for that elevator instead of the other one he'd taken earlier. It would be a bit of self-punishment to remember the time when he and Sakura had been completely in tune with one another.

When the doors opened, however, he found something very unexpected.

-

_A/N: EXTRA LONG CHAPPY FOR THE NEW YEAR! Love and joy to you all!!!_


	16. Completely Unexpected

_Update? Really? Hellz yea._

_Warning: three halves of this chapter is completely unexpected._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 16**

**Completely Unexpected**

-3rd Person P.O.V.-

The doors of the elevator slid open with that same old metallic sound accompanied by the loud, welcoming ding, granting Hidan, residential Jashinist, entrance to the elevator's inner lair. However, the inner lair of said elevator contained a completely unexpected sight that surprised, freaked out, and greatly pleased said Jashinist. So he was one half surprised, one half freaked out, and one half pleased (greatly). This is made possible by his worship of Jashin. Jashinists are three halves of a person. They're just that cool.

Anyhoo, the inner lair of this particular lift would normally contain a rather handsome wood paneling and a large mirror on the adjacent wall that would, in most of Hidan's experiences, contain his extremely attractive reflection. However, the no-doubt fabulous view was prevented by a very peculiar being. A much less attractive male's unconscious form was sprawled on the floor, directing Hidan's vision to the floor instead of to his gorgeous reflection. The near corpse wore luminescent orange pants, a black tee shirt, and had blonde hair. His face was very nondescript, swollen and blue and purple from a recent beating.

Hidan had took several long moments to stare at this spectacle before the doors of the elevator slid shut again without Hidan ever having entered through them. Luckily for those elevator doors, Hidan did not mind because he typically preferred using the lift when no unworthy bodies lying on the floors took up _his_ space. So Hidan decided that Naruto's annoying body was absolutely none of his concern and without a second thought, he took a large side-step to be in front of the _other_ elevator before pressing the button to go up.

When the doors for _this_ elevator opened they opened to a much more respectable lift, one that was body and corpse free. Oh, this elevator knew how to please Hidan. He was three halves happy now. Relieved that some elevators still were good and respectable and capable of presenting themselves to him properly, Hidan stepped inside. He was just about to press the button for the sixth floor when something completely unexpected happened.

-Ten Minutes Earlier-

-Newly Repaired Elevator-

-1st Person (Sakura's) P.O.V.-

I seriously doubt Naruto's puny little mind was capable of absorbing much of my story as I told him _everything_ that had happened. It was probably too much for him to absorb and as more information went in, more probably came out. Plus, his short-attention span and natural ability to be easily distracted was working against him. Several times I caught him staring at a hangnail on his right index finger and I just knew he was wondering whether or not he could bite it off in front of me. So due to his absolute idiocy, when my story was finished, it just hung in the air between us, as awkward as a sweaty fat guy on a rollercoaster that was too big for the safety harness.

After several minutes of extreme creepiness, I chanced a look at Naruto. I mean, really, that sweaty fat guy was my heart and the least Naruto could do was acknowledge his existence. At the very least, he could hum as if he did understand my inner turmoil, but _no_. His stupid fucking hangnail was much more interesting that _my_ sweaty fat man! _This_ is what years of friendship have gotten me!? A worthless sack of meat concerned more with his fingers than me?!

However, upon turning to actually look at him, he wasn't looking at his hangnail. No, he was looking at me. His blue eyes were swimming with confusion and even though I didn't have Itachi's mind-reading abilities I could tell that the question in his head was about something much more important than his hangnail's fate. In fact, his right hand, the alleged possessor of accused hangnail, came up to grip the side of my face gently. It was warm and somewhat large and Naruto's skin was perfectly tanned…

"Sakura," He whispered, dipping his head to look at me from beneath his eyelashes. This was the best angle for him. He looked like a petulant child that was heart-breaking-ly adorable this way. My throat immediately closed when I tried to respond so I didn't. No sound could escape my lips. He must have taken that as an invitation because his head dropped to the side and came closer to mine. He eyes flicked between my own green orbs and my lips, slightly parted, and slightly chapped from the cold winter.

I knew what he planned to do and a part of me wanted it. I liked the beautiful blonde hair and gorgeous blue eyes and gentle demeanor and mischievous dark side that you saw occasionally with a laugh accompanying the downfall of the latest victim of his prank. Yet, all the same, something didn't feel right. Something felt so like that night in the elevator with Hidan. Naruto's hair was all wrong. It was styled in a way that any boy who didn't shower regularly could achieve. It wasn't long or silky or partially pulled up like I wanted it to be. His eyes were the completely wrong shade of blue. They were shallow and didn't hold the depth of the sky like I wanted. He wasn't evil enough. He was too tan. And, you know what, while I'm being honest, he just wasn't attractive enough. He wasn't the guy I wanted nor the one I needed.

_**Fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!**_

_Shit shit shit fuck damn!_

"Stop!" I cried in a pathetic, whisper-y voice when Naruto's lips were just an inch from mine.

Naruto froze. His eyes had been drooping closed in preparation but now he opened them fully once more. He looked in to my emerald eyes, which I'm sure looked terrible after I had been crying just a little while ago. He backed off a bit, his hands sliding down to grip my upper arms. Then, all balls and no brains, he has the complete audacity to say "no!" And lunge his face forward with the full intention of kissing me.

_**Aww hell no.**_

His face lunged right into my hand, which held him easily at bay while the other came around from the side in the shape of a fist. His head reeled from the contact right into the wood paneling of the elevator. Then he slid to the floor, and I could safely assume that three halves of him was unconscious. Satisfied with my handiwork, I stood up happily, grabbed the big red present box addressed to me, and sauntered gracefully over to the elevator number pad.

I then jabbed the 'open doors' button many times and very quickly like an overhyped kid on speed. Once the doors complied with my wish, I darted down the hall way so fast it seemed I had been unknowingly injecting my legs with steroids all year. Once I reached the Akatsuki's dorm room, I tried to open the door but it was locked. I briefly considered kicking the door down but that had been done so many times, I would feel so unoriginal and it would make no impression at all. No, knocking did not occur to me.

I moped for a minute, pondering my options when it suddenly came to me. Standing on the box Naruto had wrapped my Valentine's Day gift in; I pushed aside a ceiling tile and climbed in. This was so much easier than scaling balconies…

Anyway, I climbed forward about seven ceiling tiles, moved one aside again, and dropped into Akatsuki's dorm. Only… the sight I saw was completely unexpected.

-30 Minutes Earlier-

-Akatsuki's Dorm-

-3rd Person P.O.V.-

"You think he'll ask her out, un?" Deidara asked Sasori curiously because Sasori was, three halves of the time, good at predicting people's behavior. This question caught the attention of Itachi who sat across the room. He raised an eyebrow at the blonde and quickly tuned into his thoughts. Itachi was curious of Deidara's motive because, until just now, Deidara had never made any indication of liking Sakura in the way she had once confessed to liking him. Reciprocation of her feelings could doom Itachi's own standings on her chart of potential boyfriends. To Itachi's relief, Deidara's thoughts made the question out to be just blatant curiosity and a little interest. But only a little.

"Probably," Sasori shrugged, trying to appear casual. He did not succeed, if the violent twitching of his left eye was any hint. If truth be told, none of the boys had every supported the 'let's share her' method, but they had decided to go with it due to the 'bros before hoes' ideology and now it gave them a right to hate Hidan for trying to break the rules. Based on everyone's recent actions, Sasori knew he wasn't the only one feeling just a tad bit possessive of the pink haired girl.

While nobody had missed his eye twitch the same could be said of Itachi's sideways glances, Kisame's completely not subtle giant teddy bear, and Zetsu's recognition of her existence. Even Deidara's behavioral change of making a point to not blowing things up in their room when Sakura was present was suspicious at the very least. Hidan was an idiot to be read so easily and to act so quickly on his feelings. This was a shadow game and it was too early. Either Sakura would reject him, or they would take him out themselves. This was a shadow game and only the most devious and clever man would win.

Two qualities Hidan found lacking.

"You think they'll start going out?" Zetsu asked, petting Gertrude excessively.

"Probably…" Kisame replied sadly, remembering Sakura's face when she'd left. He was secretly plotting to strangle Hidan later for making her look like that, no matter the outcome of the day.

"Unless…" Sasori piped up suddenly, striking simultaneous fear and hope into the hearts of all present. His evil little mind was at work and they could feel it. "Hidan knows Sakura still has my phone since she called him on it, but I bet, since she's not used to having one, she left it in her jeans pocket when she took a shower. We could send him an angry text message pretending to be Sakura. If he hasn't found her yet, it could work."

"Isn't that like… cheating?" Tobi asked, embarrassed by such an underhanded plot.

"Let's do it!" Kisame cheered on.

Sasori, spurred on by Kisame, ventured into the bathroom to find Sakura's discarded jeans. He searched for a few minutes but, finally, after checking around the toilet, he decided he'd be unable to find it himself. Maybe she had remembered it? Only one way to find out... "Hey," he called back into the room. "Someone call my phone."

Itachi, completely on board with Sasori's plan, quickly whipped his own cell out of his pocket and dialed Sasori's. A moment later, Sasori, still in the bathroom, heard his ringtone, 'The Ding Dong Song' by Gunther, sound from… above…?

He stepped on top of the toilet curiously and pushed aside one of the ceiling tiles. He peered into the darkness. "Guys… We've hit the mother load!" He cheered. He'd located something completely unexpected.

-Present Time-

-Akatsuki's Dorm-

-1st Person (Sakura's) P.O.V.-

I immediately pieced together what must have happened. Being a total dunce, I'd left Sasori's phone in my jeans' pocket and left my jeans in the ceiling with all of my other clothes… and underwear. Then, for some reason or another, someone called Sasori's cell phone and someone had gone in search of it when the ringtone went off. Thus, this person found the cell phone… and my underwear. I knew they'd do something like this.

**_"DROP_****_. THEM. NOW."_** Inner Sakura hissed through my pissed off lips.

Everything froze before Sasori, all balls and no brains, spoke back. "No."

"_**What?"**_ Inner Sakura inquired sarcastically.

"Make me." Sasori challenged, holding his arms out, ready for my attack.

My mouth twisted into a smile. Inner Sakura was three halves in control now. _**"Okay."**_ She chirped happily. But what she did next was completely unexpected.

-18 Minutes Later-

Using duct tape at the wrists, ankles, and neck, every boy had been tapped to the wall and gagged. And every last one of them was in their underwear. If anyone dared to make a sound, I fired upon him with my rather large super soaker I had located with the duct tape in Sasori's bag, whose contents seemed to continuously change. Oh, and, just so you know, my personal items had been safely tucked away.

After they were soaked and freezing, I released them… after taking many photos with Tobi's camera. "So," I asked as they pulled on clothing. "What are we going to do with that video of Orochimaru and me?" I hated the way I shivered involuntarily when I said his name.

"Not much we can do." Kisame grumbled, putting on a white T-shirt that was a little too small for him, and I mean that in a good way that showed off his muscles and made me drool.

"It proves that he's a freak but also that we were breaking and entering. A double edged sword." Itachi explained, wringing out his pony tail.

"Then how do we get revenge?" I pouted, feeling quite rotten that vengeance would not yet be mine.

"Well, we'll just have to catch him in the act of being a freak again without incriminating ourselves, un." Deidara said.

"But how?" Tobi asked the question on all of our minds.

All of us turned towards Sasori. This was his area of expertise. Evil plans were his thing in every way. I could already sense the evil little cogs turning in his evil little brain. He chuckled the most evil of chuckles I'd ever heard once he'd thought of something. He pulled out his paint brush and some more red paint and turned towards the wall where 'Orochimaru' was still written ominously. "I've got a plan…" He chuckled some more and began moving the paint brush over the wall, drawing out a plan that was completely unexpected.

-About One Hour Earlier-

-Naruto Free Elevator-

-3rd Person P.O.V.-

Hidan extended his index finger towards the button indicating the sixth floor when he was interrupted.

"_**I wouldn't do that if I were you."**_ A disembodied voice warned from nowhere.

"What the fuck?" Hidan asked, completely taken by surprise. At the sound of the voice, he had jumped back and was now against the wall, looking around wildly.

"_**Don't just go back to your dorm, dumbass."**_Was the voice's only reply. It wasn't like a regular voice, either. It was all distorted and prideful and sounded like it was coming through a long tunnel.

"Am I fucking high?" Hidan pondered, unable to think up any other explanation.

"_**You really are an idiot, aren't you?"**_

"I don't remember getting high…" Hidan continued, completely ignoring the voice.

"_**Listen to me, you ingrate! I'm Jashin and I'm trying to fucking command-eth you right now!"**_ The voice yelled.

"JASHIN?!" Hidan answered, completely thrown by the mention of his deity's name.

"_**Yeah, now listen up, punk. If you want the girl, you're going about it the wrong way."**_ The voice instructed, calmer now that it had Hidan's attention.

"How the fuck do you know about that?" Hidan asked, slightly peeved that even Jashin knew about his terrible luck in 'wooing' Sakura.

"_**Are you questioning my all knowing prowess?" **_The voice asked and paused but continued at Hidan's nervous and violent head shake of denial. _**"Look, if you want the girl to **_**not**_** reject your sorry ass, why don't you go ask her friend over there? He'll know how to get her."**_

"Wow! You're really fucking smart!" Hidan declared, hit the 'open doors' button and strut his fine ass right out of that elevator.

Once the doors had closed behind him, the voice spoke again. _**"You're such a fucking retard. This will be way too easy."**_

Outside, Hidan had already begun dragging Naruto's unconscious body unceremoniously to the nurse's office. Once he got there, he found something completely unexpected. And, no, it was not another scene switch. It was a big, fat 'Sorry, we're closed' sign! How can the nurse's office be closed? What if there was an emergency?! Hidan silently fumed but figured he'd done his part by dragging Naruto all the way there.

Thus, he figured leaving a note would suffice. He pulled out some scrap paper and a pen from one of his many pockets that were always full of fun things and began to scribble out a message.

'_Hey, just saved your corpse from rotting in the elevator, so you owe me. Give me a call or I'll hunt your ass down. –Hidan._' He then scribbled his cell phone number and tucked the note into Naruto's pocket. That was a nice enough note, right? Hidan figured that when the brat called him, he could drill the blonde for information about how to seduce Sakura. Until then, he would lay low. He thus returned to the dorm room only to find Sakura in there, plotting something big with all the guys.

Based on the elaborate set of paintings behind Sasori's head, Hidan knew that it was going to be good.

And evil.

Which is good.

Sakura glanced innocently towards the door at the sound of entrance and saw Hidan. She smiled and motioned him over so he came over and sat on the bed next to her, leaning back into a relaxed position to survey Sasori's handiwork. On Sakura's other side sat Deidara, Hidan noted with a pang of jealousy, but Deidara was too busy flicking his lighter excitedly as he pondered Sasori's plot to pay either of them any mind.

Deidara's lack of interest pleased Hidan so he decided to risk something. His hand reached forward to take Sakura's while she wasn't looking but just as his hand was about to clasp over hers, her hand disappeared as she stood up to walk closer to the wall and give Sasori a grateful high five for coming up with the revenge scheme. He then seized her hand, mid-high five, and pulled her closer to him roughly so she was against his chest. He face flooded with color as she gently pushed him off, looking embarrassed. Sasori pouted childishly and poked her with the paint brush on the nose, turning it red. She giggled and gave him a hug.

Hidan sighed, disappointed but he knew she had no idea what he'd just attempted to do. But then he spotted Deidara looking at him. Deidara was smirking in the most self-satisfied way as his face lit up in the glow of the lighter and then darkened again as the flame flickered in and out of existence. Hidan remembered, all too well, Sakura's confession of liking Deidara so he glared at Deidara's mocking expression but Deidara did not back down. If Deidara liked Sakura back, Hidan's hopes were gone. Kaplooey. Good bye. The thought depressed him.

So he turned away to look at Sakura and couldn't help staring at her long and slender legs as her back arched so she could crane her neck and see the full collage Sasori had vandalized their wall for. "So should we start the plan on Monday, then?" Sakura asked for everyone's opinion, smiling at the wall now stained so much with red paint.

Nobody disagreed.

-Monday Morning, First Period-

-Junior Wing-

-3rd Person P.O.V.-

Orochimaru sauntered down the hallway, completely pleased with the weekend's events. Sure, he'd hit a few snags in his master plan, but the hunt was the fun of the game. He would have had to confess himself disappointed if Sakura hadn't escaped. After all, he had so many games to play with her. He had planned it all out. Destroying naïve creatures is only fun if the prey is dumb enough to believe it has escaped, after all. But Orochimaru had her right where he wanted her, and whether she knew that or not was irrelevant.

He savored memories of her from the other night as he walked towards his classroom, fully prepared to deal with the Akatsuki brats if they showed up to class. He enjoyed remembering all of Sakura's facial expressions, especially the scared ones. Her expressive face was the best part. When she'd steeled herself to fight he was pleasantly surprised and excited at the prospect of taking down such a feisty bit of prey. It wasn't like he ever doubted his ability to do so, anyway. He'd already determined that she was very weak and, thus, he'd be able to easily destroy her. He couldn't wait to do so and the anticipation was killing him.

But, then again, the anticipation would make the kill that much sweeter. The defensive Akatsuki boys only sweetened the deal. They presented the challenge and once he did capture his quarry, he would still have their reactions to enjoy. Oh, they would be so mad. He couldn't wait for their outrage. He fanaticized about the prospect of it all for a little while longer before he reached his classroom. He was a little late for first period so the class was probably already waiting for him but he didn't care about their impatience anyway. He just simply entered, completely self-assured, but what he found inside was completely unexpected.

-end chapter-

_Sorry, wanted to get this out on MLK day but my mom jacked the computer… but at least it's up now! Review please!_


	17. Sakura's Bitch

_Wheee! Who doesn't like a speedy update?_

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 17**

**Sakura's Bitch**

Behind the door to Orochimaru's class was not what he expected. Far from it, in fact. First of all, the floor was coated thickly in saran wrap. Second of all, so was everything else. The walls were layered so thickly with the stuff that you couldn't even read the educational promotion posters typically sticky tacked to the walls. The lights barely glowed in the ceiling, completely smothered by plastic wrap. Then there were the desks, and the chairs, and his precious stapler on his desk, and everything else on his desk. But, oddest of all, the students!

Every last one of them looked like the leftovers you'd stuck in your freezer last year and forgotten about. They were all mummified with saran wrap without a gap except over their mouths for reasons that seemed obvious to everyone but Orochimaru who could not see the point in letting students live. If they suffocated in saran wrap, well, he'd probably dance gaily on their graves.

We had basically initiated phase one of the plot Sasori had concocted. Phase one was to mess with Orochimaru's mind. We'd gotten up early and asked everyone else in the class for help (everyone hates Orochimaru, whether he tried to rape them or not, he was still an evil teacher) and then I'd helped wrap the student's themselves up. When asked, all students claimed it was the work of a secret ninja attack and when Orochimaru pointed the finger at the guys, they simply asked him why they would ever wrap _themselves_ in saran wrap.

Day after day, Orochimaru would walk into his class to find some unexpected situation. Once, the floors were coated in sand and everyone was in swimsuits and having a beach party. Another time, we replaced all the students with first graders, courtesy of our schools Child Interactions class.

Orochimaru began appearing in class earlier, trying to catch us, but we always beat him.

We killed his snake, our class pet, Mamba, who had, on many occasions, lashed out at innocent students. We hid his desk in the girls' locker room. Orochimaru's black car once mysteriously disappeared and was found in the middle of the football stadium… of our rival school. The boys had an epic light saber fight in the middle of a lesson. Tobi's monster truck was once found in the place of all the desks (we disassembled the wall and reassembled it in the night after moving all the desks out of the way).

One day, Orochimaru walked into class only to find everything upside down. We had attached the desks and such to the ceiling using wire through the tiles and floor of the classroom above us and all the guys and students were seated, duct taped to their chairs, hanging upside down from the ceiling.

And on and on it went every day. Slowly, very slowly, Orochimaru began to crack. Sometimes it seemed he was ready to lunge at one of the guys or scream but he kept his composure. It was especially funny that we were able to affect him like that because the game had hardly even begun…

Even though it was fairly obvious that the guys and I had orchestrated everything, there was no proof and Tsunade was far too amused to even accuse us half the time that Orochimaru sent the guys to the office after their antics of the day were revealed. Plus, Tsunade was often unable to accept that a few high school boys were capable of doing such a thing.

In fact, a lot of our success was thanks to Jiraiya the janitor. We'd met him during the first prank. He'd caught us and we offered that we'd help him clean up if he didn't tell on us. He agreed, and, more than that, he often helped us by lending us materials and such. He was way cool, if not a complete pervert… On more than one occasion, he made references to me being with any one of the guys. Sometimes it was funny but sometimes it was annoying when it led to awkward silences.

And this is how the days passed. February faded into March and, all of a sudden, it was my birthday. I woke up with that 'it's your birthday so open your eyes already' feeling and so I obliged only to be staring to Itachi's crimson orbs and bare yet perfect chest. I was so shocked by the sight so early in the morning that I screamed… like I always did… and rolled off the bed into a heap on the floor. I couldn't help it. Even after all this time, I was still unable to take the sight of their incredible sexiness this early in the morning.

"Ow…" I moaned from the floor as Itachi peered over the edge of the bed at me.

"Are you ever going to stop screaming in my face?" He asked, offering out a hand to help me up.

"Are you ever going to stop asking me that every time I scream in your face?" I asked him back. This didn't only happen in the morning. Whenever I caught him reading my thoughts or when he sneaked up on me or when he'd blow on my neck just to creep me out, I screamed in his face and fell over in some manner or another. It really pissed me off sometimes. It also, for some reason, pissed off Hidan.

I looked to my other side, expecting Hidan, on the bed beside mine, to be glaring at Itachi like he usually did but, for some reason, that was not the case today. From the angle I was at on the floor, Hidan was nowhere in sight and just as I was about to take Itachi's offered hand, Hidan rolled off the other bed and pinned me to the ground by sitting on my hips.

"Good morning, Hidan." I moaned, crushed by his weight.

"Happy fucking birthday!" Hidan yelled, sounding very much like a kindergartner on speed.

"Fifteen… yay…" I feigned enthusiasm poorly.

"Hey, only three more fucking years until we're the same age!" Hidan cheered, hugging me against his bare, sculpted… perfect chest…

_Why can't any of them wear shirts to bed?!_

_**Because then you wouldn't drool as often and where's the fun in that?**_

"In three years, you'll be twenty one…" I reminded him, already crushed in his bear hug.

In the past month, Hidan had gotten very… odd. First, he was all touchy all of a sudden. Sometimes, he'd leave at random intervals muttering about going to 'talk to Jashin' and then head off for the elevators. I often caught him texting in corners now, too. And whenever I brought Hidan up around Naruto, Naruto would get all shifty… Something was up with those two, I just didn't know what.

I didn't mind Hidan's huggage at all and actually started relying on it, though. We even had a secret sign language, actually. We'd never consciously decided it or anything, but if flicked Hidan off, it meant I needed him to hug me and he always obliged.

Tobi was also very touchy too… He had officially declared us 'besties' and married me on facebook and whenever we saw each other, we proclaimed our love for one another, then he stated how he was a pirate, and then we'd hug.

The others were not touchy. Not in the 'hug her every time we see her' way but they were… possessive. I was getting shivers all the time whenever I caught one of the guys giving me one of these long, sideways glances. Kisame had gotten much more openly perverted, always dropping sex jokes around me. Sasori had gotten more play-flirty. Zetsu was even freaking me out, often asking me to help him out with Gertrude. I was even allowed to touch her once. And then there was Itachi, who always terrified me with his sexiness. Of course all the guys kept taking turns sleeping in my bed but only Itachi made me scream in fear. I think it had something to do with his ESP and red eyes.

And then there was Deidara. He wasn't all touchy in the demand of touch way but in the comfortable, best friends, let's destroy the world via explosions sometime soon way. When we weren't playing pranks on Orochimaru, who I had so far avoided seeing, we were teaming up, just the two of us, to play pranks on everyone else. Then of course, we documented the event using Tobi's camera, whose contents were periodically emptied into his laptop to make room for more pictures and videos. I think it was safe to say that Deidara was my best friend while Tobi was really more of a little brother.

I liked that Deidara wasn't always joking around and he could get serious too and listen to me when I was creeped out by Hidan's touchy-ness. It was probably my favorite part about Deidara, actually. He never got tired of listening to me nor did he ever call me annoying. He even defended me sometimes, when the guys were getting a little _too _playful. Like now…

"Get off of her, un." Deidara grumbled sleepily, grabbing Hidan's shoulder and throwing him off of me. He then helped me get to my feet. It was a nice gesture.

Or, at least, it would have been, if Tobi didn't completely undo his efforts by glomping me out of nowhere a second later. I fell back onto my bed that Itachi had already vacated in his quest for clean clothing. Tobi, of course, in all of his Tobi-weighted glory, landed on top of me. "Too… much… love…" I squeaked. Oh, I felt the love. I just wish I could feel my lungs.

"Does Sakura want to give Tobi a happy birthday kiss?!" Tobi asked eagerly, his visible eye alight with so much child-like excitement, you'd think it was _his_ birthday.

"It's my birthday." I grumbled under my breath. "Sakura wants Mr. Pirate to get off of her now." I answered coldly. I really had to be firm with Tobi sometimes. Though he had the brains of a four year old, he also had a six pack and an all together rockin' bod. His chest, perfect skin stretched over taunt muscles, was pressed a little too heavily on mine and it was making breathing difficult in multiple ways.

Tobi's whole body went limp with dejection in a second and he slid off me and onto the floor in a heap of moping depression. I giggled and then tensed. Itachi, Hidan, Deidara, and Tobi… next would be Kisame. I waited for the attack. Kisame slept on the floor next to my bed and took to grabbing my ankles from under the bed when I didn't expect it or attacking me from behind. It was best to just let him do it and get it out of his system so I waited, ready for contact.

But it didn't come.

_Weird._

_**Quick! Preemptive attack!**_

I backwards somersaulted off the bed and over the edge of the other side to where I knew Kisame slept and landed in the position where I was straddling his waist. "What's with the lack of attack here, Kisame?" I asked him, slightly disappointed. I even pouted.

Kisame's eyes were only half open and his beautiful golden orbs were clouded with sleep. He was hardly awake at all but he found the strength to put his hands on my thighs heavily, pinning them there. "I decided to take a different approach today. My patience paid off. I figured something like this might happen." He squeezed my thighs to indicate what _this_ was.

I place my hands on his blue, strong stomach. "You planned this?!" I demanded, leaning down to get all up in his face.

He grinned cockily. "Happy birthday."

"Ugh," I huffed, and tried to get off him but his hands anchored me in place. "_Excuse me,_" I hissed, "but I don't really like our current position, so if you would _please_…" I trailed off. He could figure out the rest.

"You know, I don't really like this position either." Kisame admitted. I felt a tad bit rejected and was just about to give and indigent 'why not?!' when Kisame suddenly rolled so now he was on top and we were in, officially, a very suggestive position. "Now this position I could get used to." He grinned like the shark I so knew he secretly was.

I huffed, too used to this attention to find it as embarrassing as before. I mean, I was sort of internally freaking out, but I sought shelter in the presence of the guys. They could come in handy because I depended on them to save me from anyone who got a little too close, so, like I always did, I repealed to them for help. "Rescue would be very much appreciated here." I whined.

No rescue came.

Where were my sex gods now?

I turned towards my bed. Those jerks…

They were all lying side by side on _my_ bed with their elbows propped on my mattress and their heads propped in their hands watching Kisame violate my personal space curiously. Bastards…

"No, actually, I think that we'll just observe today." Sasori said meanly, holding up Tobi's camera. The red light was blinking. He was _filming _this?!

_**Oh they are sooo going to regret this.**_

Throwing me to the shark was not a good plan on their part. I wasn't sure what went on their little evil brains but I knew every guy in this room was more or less a tad possessive of me so if they were just going to let Kisame get this close, fine. Their choice. Idiots. If they think I'm mature enough to resist a shirtless, ripped guy, they're dead wrong. If they won't protect me, neither will I. Humph.

"Oh, I'll give you something to observe." I glared at the camera, flicking the lens off.

I then snapped my attention on Kisame, grinning above me, with my intentions clear in my eyes. He froze at my evil expression. I took the opportunity to sit up a little bit, weave my fingers into his mussed, blue hair at the nape of his neck, and close the gap between our lips.

It only took Kisame half a second to respond with furious passion. He fought back against me until my back was flat on the floor and his chest, bare and blue and perfect, like all of their chests were (save for the blue part), was pressed flush against mine. I could feel his muscles flexing through my shirt and the sensation drove me crazy. Why'd he have to be so ripped? Suddenly, his rough, scaly tongue pushed my bottom lip impatiently.

I giggled a little and parted my lips willingly. God Kisame could kiss. His tongue ventured into my mouth and my tongue met his to begin an epic battle. Kissing Kisame was not only fun, but it made me feel a lot less awkward in this position. Now that his head was even with mine, his hips were no longer pinning mine because he was so much taller than me. In fact, my hips were actually pushed against the second row of his six pack. Once air became a major necessity, we broke apart.

There was a soft thud as Tobi's camera fell to the floor next to us. Oh, yeah. The guys. I can feel my face flushing scarlet when I realize what I just did _in front of them._ I chance a look, embarrassed beyond all reason. Every last one of them had passed out. Maybe they were just really tired but something about Tobi's nose, bleeding onto my comforter, told me otherwise. Oops…

Kisame chuckled, seeing what has transpired and I glare at him. "What?" He asked, surprised by my sudden anger.

"You seduced me with your muscles!" I pouted, even though I knew this whole thing was my fault. At least Hidan had passed out or I have a feeling Kisame would be getting hit right now. Then I remembered Valentine's Day. For a while I really believed he didn't like me but now I think he was talking about _me_. I mean, not to sound conceited, but I had never seen him talk to any other girl before. Yet, either way, I wasn't all that interested. Sure, he was hot and a good friend, but I had all these feelings for Deidara that I hadn't even _begun_ to sort through. For now, I suppressed my feelings until they boiled to the surface… like today.

"Wow, you're the one that attacked _me_!" Kisame whined.

"What_ever_." I angered, knowing he was right. I bent my leg back and hooked my foot around Kisame's neck then lurched my leg back, successfully throwing him off. He chuckled at my new found strength and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like 'flexy'. Recently the guys had been trying to train me to become stronger in case Orochimaru came after me. The situation was likely if he wanted to extract revenge… The guys were good teachers, being thugs and all. "Anyway," I began a little loudly, "I'm just gonna take off all my clothes now…"

It worked. All the guys immediately woke up. I laughed at their predictability and sauntered into the bathroom to get changed, but before I closed (and locked) the door behind me, Sasori chucked a shirt at me head, saying, "Wait! Wear this shirt today, mmk?"

"Uhh… Sure…" I said, removing said garment from my head and entering the bathroom.

Since the whole panties incident on Valentine's Day, my hiding spot for clothing has been changed. I climbed into the roof, shimmied across three tiles, moved the tile in front of me to the side, and reached inside the abandoned dorm room to retrieve my clothes now.

My clothes were all laid out, neatly folded, on the top bunk of the abandoned bunk bed in the forgotten room next to the Akatsuki's. Hanging upside down from the ceiling, I grabbed my favorite pair of pale blue jeans that fit just right and a clean pair of socks. I then swung back up to fully be in the ceiling again, moved the tile back into place, and shimmied back to the bathroom, where I got changed. As I held out the shirt to observe it, I realized it was a black belly top that read 'Sakura' across the chest in bold, red script. Revealing but cute and, hell, it wasn't like we had classes today anyway.

When I finished, I exited the bathroom to see that all the guys had gotten changed as well. Their jeans varied but all of them were wearing matching black tee shirts that read 'Sakura's Bitch' across the chest in bold, red script. Weird but hysterical. I burst out laughing.

When I calmed down I finally asked. "So what are we doing today?"

"We're going shopping." Itachi smirked evilly, waving his dads nice, fancy credit card in my face. The gold one that had no limit… I drooled at the prospect. Then I froze.

Zetsu's birthday had taught me well enough. The guys didn't celebrate birthdays by flattering their friends. They, instead, preferred to play pranks on them. "What's the catch?"

"We get to choose everything you try on and what you buy." Sasori told me.

I narrowed my eyes. I could see the gates to Victoria's Secret in his eyes. But Sasori had only moved here recently. He didn't know. Our mall had no Victoria's Secret. I shrugged, not telling him this. "Okay, let's go." And I led them out.

When we got to the junior parking lot, I got to choose who I wanted to drive me there. You, of course, know who I chose.

"Hang on tight, un." Deidara chuckled as I got astride his motorcycle behind him.

"Something tells me that's not going to be an issue." I smirked back at him, wrapping my hands around his waist greedily. He just laughed as I leaned into his back and he kicked it into gear.

The second we were clear of school grounds, we were flying through red lights, down the wrong way of one way streets and through stop signs. 'The ones outlined in white are optional, un.'

Yeah, right…

At eighty-five miles an hour and a monster truck barreling along behind us, we hit the mall in just a few minutes. These guys wasted no time on transit…

Deidara pulled into a parking space, giving his bike plenty of room, then turned the precious Harley off.

"You can get off now, un." Deidara hinted and I could hear the smirk in his voice. He so knew he was hot.

I grumbled, knowing I better before the guys tumbled out of the monster truck. I unwound my hands from around his waist and dismounted from the bike rather ungracefully. Deidara, on the other hand, got off his bike perfectly and looked rather forlorn that the ride was over already.

"Ready to go, Sakura?" Tobi asked excitedly behind me.

The other guys were behind him. I once again spotted Mr. Uchiha's credit card in Itachi's hand and an evil smile grew across my face. "Shopping…" I muttered. It was supposed to sound energetic but it sounded more… threatening.

We all walked into the mall and, wouldn't you know it. They've just opened the new Victoria's Secret.

"Fuck my life." I muttered.

--

_A/N: Hahaha, I wanted a cute chapter before… hehehe, nope, I'm not gonna TELL you._

_Reviews? Please? I updated quickly just for you, didn't I? The next chapter is written as well, it's just waiting for you to REVIEW!_


	18. Deidara

_Okay, am I nice to you or what? Thanks for the reviews, everyone, this is for you!!_

_PLUS, WE'VE HIT 400! AND I DIDN'T FOAM AT THE MOUTH AND DIE! I JUST FOAMED AT THE MOUTH!_

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 18**

**Deidara**

**_The mall cops were staring…_**

_It's these damn shirts…_

**_Awww, I think they're cute!_**

_They're embarrassing. Now back to the task at hand._

**_Don't try it on. They already made you model a ton of bras._**

_It's… just like wearing a swimsuit, right?_

**_Only the meaning is totally different._**

_Why can't it have a back?_

**_That's why they call it butt floss._**

_I thought it was called underwear…_

**_No. This is a thong. Otherwise referred to as butt floss. It's the kind of underwear you wear to seduce guys. The underwear _you're_ thinking of is typically referred to as granny panties._**

_I dun wanna seduce guys._

**_Kisame would beg to differ. I didn't even have a part in it, either. You just attacked him._**

_He was shirtless, I can't be blamed._

**_No, you were just suffering from fear of rejection. You're too afraid to tell Deidara how you feel and your emotions as boiling over to other people. Like Kisame._**

_It's not as if he's the victim here._

**_Oh, but he is. You're toying with their emotions too much because you're too fucked up and love starved. Look at Hidan._**

_Hidan's not here. He's outside waiting for me to parade around almost completely naked._

**_You know what I mean. He likes you._**

_If he liked me, he would have said something by now. He's impatient._

**_But he knows you like Deidara, remember? You told him! So he's pretty much killing himself to keep his feelings bottled up. Did you notice how much he touches you?_**

_We're friends and he knows it._

I changed into the lacy black bra and decided not to even try on the underwear. No, siree. I then strutted out of the dressing room and flung the thong at them like a sling shot. "The dressing room sign says we're not supposed to try on the thongs for sanitary purposes." I lied.

There was a collective 'awww' as I walked back into the dressing room for the next and, thank God, very last thing. Cute, tiny, seductive pajamas.

_I am not love starved. _I thought, the second I was safe in teh dressing room.

**_Yeah, right. I'm in your head, dumb ass. I know that in the back of your mind you're thinking about your last birthday. The one where Mom and Dad let you and Naruto skip school to have a movie marathon at the house and pig out all day. You miss the affection. You miss feeling loved and appreciated so you've latched onto the Akatsuki like a leech._**

_My feelings are not that shallow._

**_Not anymore, but don't pretend that at the beginning it wasn't your purpose. Now, however, you're in love with Deidara, making out with Kisame, and leading Hidan on._**

_I didn't mean for this to happen!_

**_Sure, you didn't bargain for it, but this is the teen years, sweetie, and your hormones have fucked everything up._**

_Well, how do I fix it, oh wise and powerful mental disorder?_

**_Why don't you start by accepting it?_**

_And do what? Tell Deidara that I'm in love with him? Itachi already told me that Deidara wasn't serious about me. Deidara hasn't even kissed me!_

**_And don't you think it's strange that he hasn't kissed you?_**

_Tobi hasn't kissed me either._

**_Tobi thinks you're his bestie…_**

_And Deidara _is_ my bestie!_

**_Maybe he wants to be more than your bestie!_**

_Oh, look who's the wishful thinker now._

I stepped out of the dressing room again, clad in the black camisole with the pink scroll art and the matching short shorts. The boys perked up.

"I like it." Sasori smiled.

"Pretty cute." I agreed, spinning around to give them the whole view. "But then again, with a guy in my bed every night, it might not be the best thing to wear." I pondered objectively.

"Fuck, I wouldn't mind." Hidan said, about ready to drool.

I rolled my eyes at his antics. "Whatever. I'm gonna change, then let's go to the next store." I told them, heading back into the dressing room.

_Even you have to admit he doesn't want me._

**_But wouldn't it be perfect if he did?_**

_Why don't we just give up?_

**_Because we aren't quitters!_**

_Being his best friend is plenty enough for me. In the meantime, I can mingle with some chaos, you know? See what happens._

Now back in my jeans and belly top, I stepped out of the dressing room once more and hung most of the articles on the 'No thanks' rack. Just as I was about to finish the task and put the pajamas on the rack, a hand came out from behind me and grabbed them.

"We're getting them, un." Deidara said. He'd snuck up on me and his chest was pressed up against my back. I could feel my heart speeding up and desperately tried to suppress the blush I knew was just dying to get me.

"But I thought-"

"We're getting them." Deidara repeated, this time dropping his 'un'. It wasn't in the lying way, either. This lack of 'un' meant he was serious. I could feel his warm breath on my neck through my hair. His chest felt so comfy against my shoulder blades.

"Okay," I responded breathlessly. I began to lean into him when he pulled the pajamas from my hand and backed away.

"Good, un." He smirked, the joking twinkle in his eyes. He then strode over to the counter with Itachi's dad's card and bought the pajamas.

I stayed frozen at the rack for a moment until Hidan came up and grabbed all the bras I'd just hung up. "These too." He said and walked over to the counter to join Deidara. Then we left, me in my group of bitches, to hit the next store.

--

The rest of the shopping trip passed in a blur of me being shoved into dress after dress after bikini and et cetera. At one point I dragged them to Borders and made Itachi buy me books but otherwise, nothing very eventful. The whole time Inner Sakura was screaming in my head. **_DID YOU SEE WHAT DEIDARA JUST DID?!?!?!_**

Why, yes, I did see what he did. I was there. Remember? It was me he was all pressed against. I remember. I know what happened. AND I WAS FREAKING OUT TOO.

I was so damn confused for the rest of the day as the guys took pictures I was too confused to focus on of me in ridiculous outfits and slutty outfits and cute outfits and strange outfits and some absolutely gorgeous outfits. It was good they all came, really. Who else was going to carry all those bags? We didn't leave until right before the mall was closing.

Outside in the parking lot, the guys all headed for Tobi's truck which was farther away from out parking spot since Tobi needed two spots to fit his monstrosity. Deidara wasted no time in swinging his leg over the Screamin' Eagle but I hesitated, still completely confused.

"Get on, un." Deidara said but it wasn't joking but it didn't sound like he was mad at me for being so slow. His chin was in the air cockily enough and his eyes were so blue in the streetlights in the parking lot as they bore into my own like lasers were shooting out of them.

I gulped and took a step forward then mounted the bike. I reached out my arms and gripped his hips tentatively.

"Heh." I heard him chuckle once before his hands reached back to grab my own and dragged me forward suddenly so I was completely pressed against him. And before I could give so much as an 'eep' his hands seized mine and wrapped them tightly around his waist, carefully lacing my fingers over the top button of his jeans.

**_He's doing confusing things again!!_**

I just held on tight as we sped out of the parking lot into the open road and promptly hit traffic. Mall traffic. The worst kind of traffic.

We were at a backed up intersection behind the Tobi Mobile and I looked up to see Hidan mouthing threats at Deidara. I giggled and felt Deidara's shoulders bouncing as he tried to suppress the urge to do the same. Only, you know, a manly kind of giggle.

Deidara raised his hand off the handle of his bike to flip Hidan the bird before pulling the bike out of the center of the lane and suddenly we were weaving through traffic way too fast. We got to the light and even though it was still red, Deidara sped right through the intersection and skid to a halt sideways and sped back the other way. In short, a very dramatic U-turn.

A U-turn that was taking us in the exact opposite direction of the school.

"Where are we going?!" I yelled over the roar of night air.

"Detour, un!" Deidara yelled back, his golden hair flying back to reveal his extremely happy expression. Never had I seen someone look so free.

The Harley carried us into the night for a long time and I wasn't aware of much other than when we got on the highway and a large, green sign that alerted me when we crossed state lines.

**_Holy shit, where are we going?!_**

_Look how happy Deidara looks!_

**_Stop 'aww'ing and realize that we're on the back of a Harley headed to who-knows-where!_**

_He's so cute!_

**_That's not the issue here!!_**

_He's so smexy too!!_

**_You're completely deranged!_**

_Look at him!_

**_Oh, my God. You're right._**

_Right?_

**_Damn, he's hot._**

We flew and flew and flew on the Screamin' Eagle for an eternity until, finally, the bike stopped and Deidara relaxed, letting go of the handle bars and leaning back on me. He gave a nice long sigh and rolled his shoulders, stiff from being bent for so many hours. Finally, he turned sideways half-way to smile at me. "We're here, un."

"Where?" I asked stupidly, blinded by his godliness.

"Turn around, un."

I did.

We were at the top of the hill and behind me the hill plummeted down into another hill and more hills and on and on and on until it met the horizon where the first rays of pollution tinted pink were beginning their battle with the dark night sky.

_It's so beautiful!_

**_We rode through the whole fucking night!!_**

I felt Deidara shifting positions so he was straddling the motorcycle backwards and chest pressed into mine which was still facing him even though my head was turned the complete other way. His lips ghosted over my ear. "Happy birthday, un."

I turned back towards him, absolutely speechless. Our lips were barely an inch apart. I could feel his breath washing over my face.

"I got you a gift, un." He went on, leaning away and reaching into his pocket to draw out a small box wrapped in plain brown paper.

I reached out a seized the small object then, promptly, tore the paper off. Inside was a product RED iPod nano. My thoughts were an absolute mess.

_Does Hidan like me?_

_Does Deidara like me?_

_Why hasn't he kissed me yet?_

_Should I really have kissed Kisame this morning?_

_Is Deidara jealous?_

_Is Deidara mad?_

_Would my parents be disappointed in me?_

_Does this shirt make me look fat?_

_Where the fuck are we anyway?_

_Am I a total slut or just a mild one?_

_At least I'm not a whore, since I'm not getting paid…_

_What if the guys expect some sort of sexual thank you for all the gifts today?_

_Why is Deidara the only one who actually spent his own money on something for me?_

_Why is he the only one that remembered that I desperately desired an iPod?_

_Why are they all so fucking hot?_

But out of all these thoughts, all I could say was this, while beaming at the iPod fondly:

"I shall name him Waldo!"

--

_I know this one is short, I'm sorry, but it seemed like a good place to end it. Besides, the next one will be out very soon. YAY! WALDO'S HERE! Most of the rest of the Orochimaru arc of goodness is written but it awaits posting because I'm a review whore. SO REVIEW! LOOK HOW FAST I UPDATED WHEN YOU REVIEWED! AREN'T I A GOOD GIRL? DON'T I DESERVE REVIEWS?_


	19. The BangBuddy Agreement

_I'm so glad and happy and freaking out about all the reviews I'm getting. I'll probably keep updating quickly because (1) I'm a review whore (2) it's way too much fun writing this story and (3) I want you guys to be able to read it when it updates without having to go 'wait, wtf was this story about, again?' and then have to go back to the beginning and then get bored b/c you read it so many times before._

_OKAY, WE HIT 450 REVIEWS, MOSTLY BECAUSE MY FRIEND, GREY GREY, REVIEWED EVERY CHAPTER, BUT I PROMISED MYSELF, I'D UPDATE THEN._

_SO I'M UPDATING AGAIN!_

_However, there are a lot of repetitive questions in my reviews, so, I'm sorry, I must rant you the answers before we begin…_

_ON THE TOPIC OF PEIN: I am getting tons of 'where the fuck is Pein?' reviews. The reason Pein/Konan/Nagato were never mentioned is because when I wrote the original concept for this story, they hadn't been introduced yet. But, because of popular demand, Pein WILL MAKE AN APPEARANCE IN A FEW CHAPTERS. However, there shall be no Konan. Nor shall there be any Nagato. And, I'm sorry, but only ONE Pein. Not seven. It's just not going to happen. Original Pein ONLY._

_ON THE TOPIC OF EVIL TOBI: No one has asked, but in case you were wondering: Tobi wasn't evil when I started either. And, personally, I like him better as the spazz. Sakura needs at least one guy not totally falling for her… openly. Hehehehe…_

_ON THE TOPIC OF KAKUZU: I love him, but I thought having him would be too many characters to start out with (this is also why Sasori and Zetsu weren't in it for the first two chapters, I like breaking characters in slowly so you can know them all and love them all individually). If you're a fan of ragdoll, go ahead, review, tell me you want him, and I will listen to you._

_DO YOU REALLY LISTEN TO US?: Yes, yes I really do. Like, I was going to make Hidan and Sakura date for a while and then break up, but I got many reviews after the V-day chapter saying 'DON'T MAKE THIS A HIDASAKU STORY, PLZ' or something like that, so I scraped the idea and kept the SakuxAkatsuki thing going strong. This is exactly why I like reviews. This is also why you SHOULD review!!_

_Okay, now I'm done._

_I LOVE YOU ALL!!_

_Okay, now I'm REALLY done._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 19**

**The Bang-Buddy Agreement**

Deidara smiled this lopsided, only-you-would-name-your-iPod-Waldo kind of smile, so I reached forward and gave him a thank-you hug. And I held on and held on and held on for a long time. Finally my arms loosened and I leaned back to look at Deidara's overly-gorgeous face, my fingers still laced at the nape of his neck and his hands still wrapped around my waist.

"I already imported a bunch of songs on 'Waldo' for you, un." Deidara whispered, looking directly into my eyes with his cornflower blue ones.

"Thank you." I said in my most take-me-now-you-smexy-ass-bitch,-I'm-a-seductress voice, removing one of my hands from his neck to grip the side of his perfect face. It was now or never, right? I moved my face closer to his, tilting my head to the side, keeping my eyes on the prize: his lips.

My lips hovered an inch away from his. I was so glad the last thing I ate was eighteen tic tacs at once.

"Deidara…" I whispered, just to taste his name on my tongue when I was this close to him.

"Sakura…" He whispered back before his head came forward suddenly, his lips catching mine in a moment of absolutely pure perfection.

My hand abandoned his face to bury itself in his silky yellow hair. His hands moved possessively down to my hips, dragging me closer to him, as close as humanly possible, until I was straddling him while he straddled his motorcycle. His tongue, as smooth as his hair, ran over my bottom lip and it was too good to be true so I parted my lips instantly. His tongue entered my mouth and, bam, it was war. But, of course, his tongue kicked my tongue's ass and I just ended up moaning in absolute pleasure into his mouth.

Or, at least, that's what would have happened if, right before I was going to kiss Deidara, the monster truck I hadn't noticed sneaking up behind me hadn't sounded off a very loud and very long honk right behind me which scared the fucking shit out of me and made me jump so high that I fell off the motorcycle and landed in a very not-sexy way on the ground next to the bike.

While I had been lost in Deidara's overly awesome eyes, The Tobi Mobile had snuck up on us and, looking up from my sight of epic fail on the ground, I could see Hidan through the windshield, leaning forward from the back row to honk the horn like the mother fucker he was.

_**WE WERE SO FUCKING CLOSE!**_

I settled to glare at Hidan, knowing yelling at him would not be the best choice. It would probably just piss him off and he'd go on a Jashin rant and then try to sacrifice me again. A lot of the time when I pushed Hidan away during his touchy moments, he'd get in this if-I-can't-have-you-then-no-one-can mood and try to kill me sadistically for his deity. Annoying bastard…

"How the hell did you even find us, un?!" Deidara demanded, yelling at The Tobi Mobile.

Tobi leaned out the window. "Itachi GPS tracked your phone using his dad's police tech stuff!"

Kisame hit Tobi upside the head. Apparently Tobi was not supposed to tell us that. Itachi and Zetsu hopped out of the car.

"Itachi, un…" Deidara growled, sounding shockingly threatening.

"Deidara…" Itachi nodded, not even looking at the blonde as he walked over to me and grabbed my hands.

"Don't blame us. You're the one that broke code." Zetsu glared in an uncharacteristic fashion at the blonde, grabbing my feet.

"Hey!" I tried to protest but they'd already lifted me hammock style and started carrying me over to the monster truck.

Sasori leaned out of the passenger seat and gripped me under the arm pits. "Hello, Princess." He smirked, lifting me into the car with very flattering ease. They were all still wearing their 'Sakura's Bitch' shirts. They'd followed us through the night.

Itachi and Zetsu climbed in the back door and Zetsu sat in the back while Itachi settled in the front between Tobi and Sasori . Tobi started the truck and turned around by running over the grass lining the road in an 80-point turn. Sasori had positioned me so I was straddling him on his lap. I huffed, completely robbed of my would-be moment with Deidara. "Wait, what code did Deidara break?" I asked, realizing the oddness of Zetsu's statement earlier.

Everyone looked awkward for half a second, not wanting to answer the question but Tobi was oblivious to the whole 'secrecy' concept and happily piped. "The Bang-Buddy Agreement!" Everyone turned to look at him, mortified, but Tobi, eyes on the road (for once) was oblivious to this too and kept barreling on. "At first we were all supposed to share you but then Hidan was getting too involved and everyone else was getting jealous, so we agreed that we'd remove emotions from the equation and not get you presents or try to seduce you or anything and just let you pick and if you wanted any of us to kiss you or do dirty things with you we were allowed without anyone else being allowed to get mad and we called it The Bang-Buddy Agreement and wrote it out and we all signed it and stuff!"

My jaw dropped as did everyone else's.

_**VOLUNTEER BANG-BUDDIES, AVAILABLE FOR ANY OCCASION?!**_

_What the fuck has been going on behind my back?!_

_**SO THEY ALL LIKE US?!?!?**_

_DOES THIS INCLUDE DEIDARA?!_

_**WHY WERE WE NOT INFORMED OF THIS EARLIER?!**_

During my extreme internal confusion, Itachi had unfrozen from his initial shock, undid Tobi's seat belt, opened the driver side door, and pushed Tobi out of The Tobi Mobile without restraint. He then slid over and grabbed the steering wheel and continued driving like nothing had happened.

I didn't know what to say. I was so confused. My overstressed brain could no longer function under these conditions. All the walls and standards and thoughts about 'love' I'd built up… just shattered. I didn't want to have to care anymore. No more dancing around my feelings or their feelings. No more thinking about my parents. No more being so overly concerned about everything. I am _fifteen_ not fucking _fifty_! And, god fucking dammit, I was going to enjoy my teen years, starting right fucking now.

"Fuck it all!" I yelled with a sense of finality and with my newfound freedom I did exactly what the fuck I felt like doing.

I fell asleep on Sasori's lap.

Hey, I'd just pulled an all-nighter. I was fucking tired.

--

When we finally got back to The Academy, we all crashed for about two full days of lazing around and sleeping. Deidara had practically been excommunicated from the group. Apparently, The Bang-Buddy Agreement was very real and it had agreed that giving me presents was not allowed. The shopping trip had been a group gift but it was considered legal because, technically, Itachi's dad was the one fronting the bill. They tried to take Waldo away from me but I refused and kicked their asses.

It was actually sad watching Deidara after that. Sure, everyone was decently nice to him but he and I were not allowed to be in a room together alone, he was no longer allowed to sleep in my bed, and every once in a while, someone would just glare at him randomly to remind him what he'd done. The only ones decently nice to him were me and Sasori.

Sasori and Deidara had a bromance if you ever did see one. They bickered like an old married couple about art like the crazy freaks they were. Deidara always said that art was a bang, a moment you'd always remember but never see again. Sasori believed that true art was eternal. Deidara blew shit up and Sasori built puppets or painted. Sometimes Deidara would paint too, but he'd burn the picture once it was done.

Deidara was always burning stuff. He had all these different Ed Hardy lighters he got from gas stations and you never saw the same lighter twice. When he was thinking, he'd hold the lighter about six inches under his chin and flick the lighter on and off over and over again for ages. Then, if he was just laying about, bored as he so often was, he'd pull out some clay and mold it. He had millions of tiny little sculptures of millions of different things that he would then turn into millions of tiny little explosions.

Sasori was also the hands-on kind of artist. If he wasn't hanging around the dorm, he was in the wood shop in the school building. And he was not making book shelves and shit like that. He was building little wooden people. Tons of them, in fact. He carved and carved wood like a maniac.

And they just fought _all the time_. Then, they'd huff and look away from each other like five year olds and five minutes later you'd catch them laughing about some shared joke like old chums. They could never stay mad at each other for long.

Soon, we slipped into April and Phase Two came into action.

Phase One: Mess with his MIND.

Phase Two: Mess with his LIFE.

And we did it well. We started small, just like before. Using Itachi's Dad's handy dandy credit card, we bought a ridiculous amount of playdoh and, under cover of darkness, covered Orochimaru's car in it. The next day he had to commute to school using the bus. Then, we covered the entire exterior of his house in playdoh. It also rained that night, which solidified the playdoh into every crevice of his house's roof and siding. He was forced to live in a motel for a few days.

Then we spray painted all the carpets in his house neon pink. We stole his remote controls. We attacked his car with bats. We slashed the tires of his rental car after that. We replaced his entire wardrobe with ballerina outfits. He showed up to school in his only remaining outfit (the one he'd been wearing when we broke in and he was out) for days before he went shopping for new clothes. We replaced the water in his water tank with expired milk. We put a rabid raccoon in his bed.

April became May.

It had become a silent agreement among us to not mention The Bang-Buddy Agreement aloud but sometimes I enacted its powers. When I felt lonely, in the middle of the night, with the absence of parents gnawing away at my sanity, I called upon whoever was in my bed that night to hold me, kiss me and want me. I didn't go all the way, of course. In the morning, it was like it never happened. We just distracted ourselves with planning the next step in phase two.

We started spiking all the food in Orochimaru's kitchen with laxatives and it was funny because in the middle of class, so says the guys, he'd have to makes several trips to the 'little creeper's room'. We moved everything from his bedroom onto his roof. We bought an army of rats from a pet store and released them in Orochimaru's house, hiding cheese everywhere to keep the rats happy.

May became June.

Phase two was getting insane. Orochimaru had officially cracked.

He twitched all the time. His face had gone from pale to ashen and pasty. He had these huge dark circles under his eyes like he no longer slept but instead, stayed up all night guarding his house with an aluminum bat. And, freakishly, he always smelled like booze now. He was showing up to classes completely smashed.

But there was something wrong with it all. I had this nagging feeling that Orochimaru hadn't really cracked. I thought this could all be histrionics. Orochimaru was faking it, I just knew it. Maybe I was having one of those weird reaction kidnapped people have towards their kidnappers where they build their kidnapper up in their eyes to make them seem so much stronger so that they, the victim, can feel a little better about their obvious inferiority. Something just told me Orochimaru wasn't this weak. Crazy, yes. But I don't think he had cracked.

Our pranks were not yet capable of making him crack.

However, despite my suspicions, we went on with the final act of phase two.

On the first of June, while everyone else was at school, we left campus and, split between Hidan and Itachi's cars, drove to Orochimaru's house.

The whole block was vacated but we'd taken Hidan and Itachi's cars because they were much less conspicuous than Tobi's Tobi Mobile. We were all decked out, from head to toe, in full out ninja garb, including face masks, and we rolled out of the cars and sprinted across the lawn to the house. Kisame immediately busted down the door of his house and we all pooled inside.

Deidara came in last and divvied out the blasting clay and string. We all had our positions so we ran to them. Mine was at the back door. I opened the door and stuck the clay to the top of the frame. I then made sure the string was securely solidified into the mass and ran the other end of the string back to the living room.

Everyone else had been assigned another area of internal support in the house and they were all leading their string into the room too. Deidara stuck his clay to the top of the inside of the front door's door frame and led his string to join all of our in the pile in the middle of the floor. Deidara tied the eight ends together in a big knot and then tied a new piece of string to the knot and led the other end outside.

"Okay, the blast will be contained and knock down the house and there won't be evidence of an explosion after the whole house collapses, un." Deidara explained while the rest of us piled into the cars. Deidara laid the last bit of string on the ground and took out an Ed Hardy lighter out of his pocket and lit the string.

He then turned and jumped into the car and we sped away from the scene of the crime. The flame followed the string to the large knot in the living room and then the flame followed every string to the blasting clay and the blasting clay created minor explosions at all of the support areas of the house and the house collapsed in upon itself. However, due to the way these guys drive, we were already back at the school before it all happened, thus clear of any and all suspicion.

--

"Fuck, that was awesome!" Hidan cheered later that night as we celebrated.

We had no idea that when Orochimaru drove home that night and saw what was left of his house, he'd laughed. We had no idea that, in reality, we had never cracked him at all. He'd always been cracked. We had no idea that he was going to get his revenge. He'd just been playing with us until now. He'd just been waiting for his opportunity to get his revenge on us for all we had done to him.

We had no idea that, in less than a week, he'd get his revenge on us.

We had no idea he was planning to get what he'd wanted ever since that time he'd threatened me.

I had no idea what was about to befall me.

And it was all Hidan's fault!!!

--

_A/N: I know, I know, I'm evil for the sorta cliffie and the shortness of this chapter. I wanted a funny chapter before… well… hehehe, that's between me and my word documents, now isn't it?_

_The next chapter is already written and it's insane. In some good ways. In a lot of bad ways._

_AND ONLY TWO MORE CHAPTERS BEFORE PEIN!_

_Yes, I've already written his appearance._

_SO REVIEW SO I CAN UPDATE HAPPILY!!!_

**_Also, my dearest reviewers, who is your favorite to win? That is to say, which guy are you rooting for?! I WANNA KNOW!!_**


	20. Blackberry Disasters

_Okay, I wasn't going to post this for another few days but I REALLY WANNA HIT 500 REVIEWS!!_

_Warning: There is a point later in this chapter where you may wonder 'oh, fuck, did this fic go up to an M rating?' no, it did not. It's still at its nice, innocent T rating. Don't worry._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 20**

**Blackberry Disasters**

_**Oh, my Jashin…**_

_It can't be…_

_**But it is…**_

_Hellz yeah!!_

_**No gym!!**_

_Wheeeeee!_

My gym teacher, Gai, was absent for the first time in living memory. He'd gotten the swine flu.

_**Thank you, MEXICO!!**_

So, for the first time all year, I had a free eighth period. Which, in short, meant I was getting out of classes about an hour early and it was a _Friday_ so my _weekend_ was starting early too! My academic day was over. I was ecstatic.

_No gym with that stupid, bushy-browed, steroid abusing, creeper!!_

And, thus, I did exactly what any girl suddenly set free would do. I went to Akatsuki's dorm to do absolutely nothing for an hour and enjoy it. When I got there it was empty of course since all the guys were currently enjoying pre-calc. I laughed at their misfortune for about three seconds before I was bored. And what do I do when I'm bored?

Put Waldo on the iHome to blast some music before excavating Sasori's bag of fun and mysteries, DUH! So I put Waldo on the iHome and picked a song at random that I hadn't listened to before and put it on repeat. Then I dropped to the floor and peered under Sasori's bed. The gym bag was there so I pulled it out. The zippers had been padlocked. I couldn't open it.

_**Boring!**_

Well, then, fine, what's under Deidara's bed? I pulled out a bin that had a large collection of Ed Hardy lighters, some blasting clay, gun powder, and a few dozen sticks of dynamite.

_Okay then…_

I pushed the bin back under the bed, seriously concerned. I then stood up, seriously disappointed, and walked across the aisle of beds and fell to the ground between mine and Hidan's beds. My head flopped to the side to peer under Hidan's bed.

_**Hello!**_

Under Hidan's bed was a large plastic bin and when I pulled it out it was filled with large, unlabeled, glass bottles that were filled with a deep, dark, purple liquid. I pulled one out and popped the top off and quickly took a sip.

_**Oh, my fucking JASHIN, that's good!**_

_This must be blackberry soda. It's really good._

I concluded this, pondering the taste. It was very good, so I finished the bottle. And kept going…

Only later would I realize that this was not, in fact, soda.

-One Hour Later-

-Outside Akatsuki's Dorm-

-3rd Person P.O.V.-

"Gai got swine flu!" Tobi cheered, dancing around the hallway like a bunny on speed. Which he probably was…

"That means Sakura didn't have any eighth period class today, so she should already be here." Itachi concluded.

"That's good, she can help us with this mountain of math homework, un." Deidara remarked, tugging at his back pack weighted down with his math textbook. Stupid finals were coming up and the teachers were laying the homework on _thick_.

The others turned to glare at Deidara briefly. He was _still_ in social exile for kidnapping Sakura on her birthday. Except Tobi. Tobi did not glare at Deidara because Deidara kidnapped Sakura. Tobi was not mad that Deidara had kidnapped Sakura. Tobi was mad that when he had been kicked out of his _own_ monster truck and asked Deidara to give him a lift back home on his motorcycle, Deidara had kicked him in the face. Then, just because Deidara is nice, he agreed to give Tobi a lift, but he didn't want a guy straddling him so he made Tobi remain at least a foot from him at all times and ride backwards which made Tobi fall off several times, two of which were on the highway. Tobi had not enjoyed the ride. Deidara huffed at their expressions.

"Then she can help us study." Sasori remarked, trying hard not to glare at Deidara for as long of a time as the others were. Sure, he was pissed (about the Sakura thing, since _he_ hadn't been kicked out of the truck), but Deidara was his best friend. They'd known each other their whole lives and bickered about art their whole lives but if anyone in the Akatsuki understood Sasori, it was Deidara and vice versa. They could never stay mad at each other for long.

"That fucking bastard is fucking cracked." Hidan remarked, reaching for their dorm's door knob, remembering that Orochimaru had not come to class that morning. "We should move onto phase three al-fucking-ready."

Then he turned the knob and opened the door upon a completely unexpected sight.

Sakura was standing on her bed, stripped down to her bra and panties, which were black and lacy, dancing wobbily, holding a glass bottle in one hand, and singing drunkenly to a song. She broke off when she saw them but continued dancing. "This is the best fucking soda I've ever fucking had!" She screamed, holding up the bottle.

Every jaw in the room, sans Sakura's, dropped at the sight.

"That's not fucking soda! It's wine!" Hidan panicked. He'd never imagined she'd be stupid enough to drink it. He'd removed the labels so no one would know it was wine, but still! Well, it did taste a lot like soda… Sakura ignored them and continued dancing in a very stripper-like fashion. And singing. The singing was killing them.

"He called me on the phone and I touched myself, I touched myself, I touched myself!" She belted, switching the lyrics a bit so they suited her. The original lyrics were 'I called her on the phone and she touched herself', but Sakura was very aware, at this moment especially, that she was a girl. "He called me on the phone and I touched myself, he laughed himself to sleep!" (_A/N: The song is 'Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too' by Say Anything)_

While the song went into a lyric-less solo, she took another large swig from the bottle. She then turned back to the guys who were still frozen in the door way. "Come dance with me!" She commanded them.

Sasori took a very eager step forward but Zetsu mutely punched him to stop his advances, still staring at Sakura with an open mouth. Sakura then hooked her thumbs into the side of her underwear and her intention to get fully naked was clear but Itachi stopped her from doing it by tackling her to the ground.

"_Please_ stop taking off your clothes, Sakura." Itachi breathed.

"You don't thinks I'd look gewd neked?!" Sakura asked back very loudly.

"No, I think you'd look _too_ good naked," Itachi clarified, pinning her flailing arms to the ground.

Sakura giggled in a small-child-on-speed kind of way. "I bets you'd look gewd naked toooooooo," she told him, wiggling her hips below his suggestively.

Itachi gulped but tried to remain focused. "Someone get the breathalyzer I stole from my Dad out of my nightstand."

Kisame quickly retrieved the item and handed it to Itachi who promptly shoved the tube into Sakura's mouth. "Breathe out." Itachi commanded and Sakura obeyed.

The red digital numbers on the screen flew up until they hit a shocking '.19'. (_A/N: Legal limit is .08. You can die with a blood-alcohol content of .30 or higher.)_

"Oh, shit." Itachi muttered. He got off of Sakura and helped her to her feet. She was looking quite sleepy now. Itachi heaved a sigh and quickly removed his black DC hoodie and forced Sakura into it, zipping her in. "Hidan."

"Yea?" Hidan asked, watching the scene with acute fascination.

"Take Sakura to the nurse and get her a charcoal shake so she can sober up faster." Itachi said, pushing Sakura's floppy body at Hidan who caught her easily. (_A/N: A charcoal shake is pretty much used to help absorb alcohol in your stomach to avoid a hangover or hold a drunken person over until they get to the hospital for a stomach pumping. Because Sakura has only been drinking for an hour, she can have a charcoal shake without going to the hospital and she isn't so drunk that she needs her stomach pumped, which is a last resort.)_

"Why the fuck do I have to be around her when she's fucking drunk and horny?!" Hidan demanded. He knew he might not be able to resist Sakura if she started coming on to him and he definitely didn't want to have to explain himself when she was sober again. He was a jerk, but he wasn't one to take advantage.

"It was _your_ wine." Itachi glared.

Hidan grumbled but started dragging Sakura back towards the door.

"I'm going to name all the stars and they'll all have the same name..." Sakura mused. "They'll be so confused!!" She then giggled in a very concerning way. (_A/N: This quote is stolen from Druscilla from Buffy: The Vampire Slayer)_

"You are so wierd..." Sasori shook his head as she passed him.

"I'm not wierd!" Sakura protested loudly. "I'm peculiar!"

Hidan heaved a sigh and shoved Sakura into the hall, closed the door to the dorm, and began dragging the pink-haired, drunken girl to the elevator. Sakura clung onto Hidan's shirt like a koala and kept nuzzling her face into his neck which kept making his pale face flood with color. "You know, we could make beautiful babies." She mused, running her fingers all over Hidan's muscles through his shirt.

Hidan gulped but was determined to stay strong. "Uh-huh…"

"And, thinking about it, the sex would probably be fabulous…" Sakura continued talking, completely unaware of how she was affecting Hidan… or was she? It was hard to tell when she was so shit-faced…

"C'mon, Sakura, don't fucking do this to me…" Hidan pleaded.

"Do what?" Sakura asked innocently before, just because she felt like it, she latched her mouth onto his ear.

Hidan shivered as he pushed the down button for the elevator and hoped it would come soon before his resistance vanished. "Don't fucking… ah! Fuck! Stop it!" Hidan swore, throwing Sakura off of him.

She landed on her butt on the ground and looked up at him, looking pathetically heartbroken. The zipper of the hoodie Itachi had wrapped her in was already sliding down, revealing inches and inches of tempting flesh to Hidan. Sakura stood back up, now looking pissed, and the wine in her system adding nicely to her tendency to have mood swings.

"Look, I-I'm sorry…" Hidan muttered pathetically as the elevator doors opened.

Sakura just continued to glare at him and shoved him mercilessly into the elevator where he fell against the far wall of the lift, with the mirror. Sakura smiled sadistically at Hidan which made his Jashinist blood churn. Sakura sauntered forward. Hidan flattened himself against the wall, knowing he was not going to be able to resist her much longer.

Sakura walked right up to him and her eyes suddenly melted. She placed her hands on his shirt and then ripped it off of him. Hidan was absolutely shocked. Sakura had never been this… _forward._ Now that his chest was bare in front of her she began kissing the flesh, then worked her way up his neck, found his ear again, and finally claimed his lips. And, Jashin help him, he was kissing her right back.

But, no, he shouldn't be doing this. He shoved her away again.

"Hey!" Sakura whined.

"Stop." Hidan commanded, trying very hard to keep his voice even and failing quite miserably.

"No!" Sakura snapped, unzipping Itachi's hoodie, making Hidan wish very, very much that she was fat and ugly instead of slender and perfect.

"_Please _stop?" Hidan begged, which was very rare for him, but she was driving him crazy at the moment.

Sakura smiled drunkenly at his weakness. "Nevahz," and she leapt at him, wrapping her legs around his waist and wrapping her arms around his neck her lips crashed on his heavier than ever before.

This time, Hidan knew, he wouldn't be able to push her away. Well, fuck it all. So he turned around so her back was against the mirror and kissed her back. Sakura moaned into his mouth with every movement his tongue made. Her body pressed against his in the most intimate of ways. His lips left hers and he started kissing her neck and then down and down until, right before he was about to hit new and unexplored territory, Sakura went limp in his arms and almost fell sideways out of his grip.

He looked up to see what the problem was. She'd passed out drunk.

"Well, fuck." He swore, letting her drop to the ground, completely pissed that, not only did she just pass out in the middle of something he found to be very important, but also that she'd even gotten to him in the first place. He paced a bit to work off all the adrenaline that had been rushing through him a moment ago and then hit the button for the first floor.

"C'mon, Sakura. Wake the fuck up, we gotta get you to the fucking nurse for a fucking charcoal shake, you fucking alcoholic." Hidan huffed as the elevator descended, nudging Sakura with his foot. Sakura did not stir. "Well then, what the fuck am I supposed to fucking do?!" He demanded her unconscious body. Sakura's body gave no response.

"_**Hehehehe…"**_ A disembodied voice that was all too familiar to Hidan by now laughed.

"Jashin?" Hidan asked no one in particular.

"_**That's right. Why don't you just leave her here and go get the nurse and bring her here?"**_ The voice suggested.

"Ah! Good fucking idea!" Hidan cheered. "But, wait, what if someone comes by before I get back?"

"_**No one will. I can tell. I am all-knowing and all-seeing. Have I ever steered you wrong?"**_ The voice squashed Hidan's worried, for Hidan had complete confidence in his 'Jashin'.

"Okay…" Hidan said, zipping up Itachi's hoodie around Sakura anyway. "Fine. Watch her for me, will you?" He asked.

"_**Of course."**_ The voice answered in almost a purr.

Hidan smiled and left the elevator carefree when it touched down on floor one, leaving Sakura's defenseless, unconscious body behind.

A few minutes later the elevator doors opened again but it was not Hidan. It was Orochimaru, with a big fat smile plastering his features.

"Idiots…" He muttered, as he stepped forward, grabbed Sakura by the ankles, and dragged her away.

--

_ZOMFJ! -automatically twitches- OH YEAH! THIS IS THE INTERNET~! SO YOU **CAN'T **STONE ME TO DEATH FOR THAT CLIFFIE!_

_OH, AND PLEASE REVIEW IF YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!!_


	21. Vengeance is Mine, Bitch

_A/N: So maybe it was a little mean of me to leave you hanging like that… I apologize… sort of… CUZ WE HIT 500 REVIEWS SO IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO BE UNHAPPY IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM AT THE MOMENT!!! Too bad I have to write this chapter… Dammit, mood killer for sure. Eh, whatever. Let's do it._

_Disclaimer: This chapter get's really gross and scary at some points that made even me wanna vomit. But, please, try to power through it._

**Scrumdidleeumptious**

**Chapter 21**

**Vengeance is Mine, Bitch**

-3rd Person P.O.V.-

"Fuck!" Hidan screamed at the nurse's office door. She was out. Again… "Where the fuck is the nurse when you need her? What if there's a fucking emergency?" Hidan grumbled angrily, kicking the door. After a few more minutes of glaring at the wooden, unresponsive door, he kicked it again out of spite. The door broke. "Hahaha! That's what you fucking _get_ fucking _door!"_ He taunted the door before turning on his heel and strutting away with his nose in the air. The door's demise had satisfied him.

After the grievously long walk all the way back to the dorm building and over to the elevator, Hidan jabbed the elevator button again. Charcoal shake be dammed. Drunk Sakura had entertained him so far, why should he end it all? Besides, she must learn the consequences of getting hammered on _his_ wine. She'd have to pay him back and all, too. So, smiling to himself in a very perverted way, he waited for the elevator doors to open.

When they did, he saw an empty elevator. No Sakura. Just the tattered remains of his shirt from earlier.

"Uh-oh…" he muttered to himself.

--

"What do you mean _gone_?!" Sasori demanded. He had been lounging on his bed, drinking the last drops of wine in one of the wine bottles Sakura had opened when Hidan had entered to tell them that he'd lost the drunken Sakura. Now, he was standing up, unsure of what to do.

"Gone!" Hidan repeated. "I fucking went to the fucking nurse to get the charcoal shake when Sakura had fucking passed out and when I came back, the fucking elevator was empty!"

"Why the hell did you leave her unconscious, drunken body alone in an elevator?!" Kisame demanded, ready to punch the stupid Jashinist.

"Jashin told me to do it!" Hidan yelled, feeling very much ganged up upon.

"What the fuck, un?!" Deidara questioned.

"Whatever, let's just go find Sakura." Itachi suggested, heading for the door.

"Agreed" Zetsu muttered, and followed Itachi out, closely followed by all the others.

The boys marched in a group to the elevator but as soon as the doors opened again all anyone had to say was:

"Hidan, isn't that your shirt?"

-Thirty Minutes Earlier-

-Elevator-

-3rd Person P.O.V.-

His long, pasty fingers wrapped around her skinny ankles and with great ease he dragged her limp body out of the elevator and out of the dorm building to the main office building that had the guidance office and main office and such. As he was dragging her body across the very dirty floors a voice stopped him.

"What are you doing?" Ebisu called, poking his head out of his office and seeing Orochimaru dragging the horrible, Playdoh-weilding, heathen girl by her ankles.

"She's drunk. I was going to take her to the nurse to make sure she was okay." Orochimaru lied flawlessly. He didn't much care what Ebisu's reaction to Sakura being drunk would be. Sakura wouldn't be around much longer for it to matter anyway, if he had his way.

"The nurse is out." Ebisu said, not at all shocked that Sakura was drunk. Based on the way she acted and who she hung out with, he had convinced himself that Sakura and the whole Akatsuki lot were just a bunch of crack heads who would, he hoped, overdose and die before graduation and he wouldn't be responsible for releasing their poisonous presences on the world.

Orochimaru sighed, bored with Ebisu already. Ebisu's indifference was not fun at all. "Fine, I'll take her to Tsunade then." Orochimaru sighed and began dragging Sakura again.

Ebisu shrugged and disappeared back into his office. He'd only emerged because he'd heard the noise anyway.

Orochimaru dragged Sakura's body, not to Tsunade's office, of course, but instead to the Junior Wing and straight into his private teacher office.

The room was rather large which suited Orochimaru just fine for his purposes. Jiraiya, the janitor, who Orochimaru had (correctly) assumed had been helping the Akatsuki with their meaningless pranks, hated Orochimaru and never came into the room to clean out of spite which was good for Orochimaru too. Three of the four walls were covered in dozens of monitors that constantly fed Orochimaru a live video feed from dozens of sights all over campus.

In front of the mar wall of monitors was a large wooden desk with a speaker on it not unlike the one the school PA system used to broadcast messages campus-wide. However, this particular mike was able to hook up to any of the monitors and project a distorted version of Orochimaru's voice at the particular area that monitor covered.

For instance, at that very moment, Orochimaru was able to see Hidan nervously riding the elevator up to floor six to tell his friends he'd lost Sakura. And if Orochimaru spoke into the mike, he would be able to make Hidan do whatever he wanted because Hidan had now been convinced for months that the distorted voice belonging to Orochimaru had belonged to his deity, Jashin.

Once the Akatsuki had vacated their room, which was visible on the screen in the upper right hand corner of the eastern wall, Orochimaru checked to make sure Sakura was good and unconscious before grabbing a bag and dashing out of his office and back towards the dorms. He sprinted into the dorm building and into the elevator and, once he was on the sixth floor, he raced to room 627 and promptly kicked the door down. It wasn't hard. The bolts were loose from getting kicked down many times before.

Excited like a crazed kindergartner, he went over to Deidara's bed and pulled out the box underneath. He grabbed some blasting clay and dynamite and other bomb-making materials and stole an Ed Hardy lighter and stuffed them in his bag. He then turned towards Sasori's bed and grabbed Sasori's gym bag.

Smiling in a very crazy, homicidal, self-satisfied way, he left quickly and headed back to his office where Sakura was waiting.

-Main Office Building-

"Sniff, Tobi! Sniff!" Zetsu urged Tobi, who was crouched on the ground, sniffing for Sakura's scent.

"Tobi is a good boy! Tobi will seek out Sakura!" Tobi declared even though he was not, in fact, a dog, and very much unable to sniff out Sakura's location.

Kisame, also knowing this and completely fed up with this crap, kicked Tobi in the side with a huff.

Tobi flew into the trophy case which caused quite a racket and Ebisu, just down the hall, stuck his head out of his office again.

"What are you heathen brats up to now?!" he demanded.

"We're looking for Sakura!" Sasori called back to him.

"Well stop making such a racket, she's with Tsunade." Ebisu explained what he had concluded on his own using his extremely gullible and tiny brain.

"Thank you!" Tobi called, and they all turned in the general direction of Tsunade's office, which was across the hall from Ebisu's.

Ebisu sighed heavily and disappeared back into his office.

The boys knocked on Tsunade's door and entered when a tired voice told them to "come on in." However, Sakura was not inside.

-Orochimaru's Office-

-Sakura's P.O.V.-

My head was killing me. Everything felt all pound-y and sluggish in a slimy, thick way. I opened my eyes but every ray of light that hit my eyes hurt, and there was a lot of light. Only, it wasn't the bright sunshine kind of light. It was duller, and it hummed. The off-putting light of a monitor. I groaned and decided to open my eyes. I was in a room that was filled with monitors. Like some creepy stalker flick on the Lifetime Movie Network. Complete with creeper and threat of death.

Orochimaru was lounging in a black puffy leather, swivel chair next to a bunch of dynamite glued together with blasting clay strapped to a ticking, digital clock.

"Oh, my God." I breathed. Thirty minutes… Twenty-nine minutes, fifty-nine seconds… twenty-eight minutes, fifty-eight sec-

_**Get a grip girl and get your ass out of here!**_

But I couldn't. I was wrapped in the same nylon cord from Sasori's bag, which was next to the bomb, that I'd found the one time I'd had to cut a hole in the window. And why the fuck was I only wearing Itachi's hoodie over my under garments? Oh, yeah, I got hammered. Guess that was not soda…

"You didn't rape me?" I asked Orochimaru, glaring at him, though I was still pleased by the fact that he hadn't. If he had, I'd probably be naked or sore or something. Unless he was a gentleman with a very tiny penis…

_**New train of thought, please!**_

"You were unconscious. Where would be the fun in that?" Orochimaru smiled in that creepy way he usually does only the smile curled all along his thin, pasty face. "I want to hear you screaming, of course."

_**So the 'I'll scream' threat is out, then?**_

"You're disgusting." I spat at him, too terrified to remember to be terrified. Now I was just pissed.

"And you're annoying." Orochimaru retorted flawlessly. "Originally I thought I might like to keep you, but you've become such a nuisance. I decided to just kill you after I'm done."

"Don't you think a bomb is a little flashy to just kill little old me?" I asked cockily.

"It's to kill everyone." Orochimaru clarified. My heart sank. "It's only poetic justice that you _and_ all of your friends die, don't you think?"

"No." I answered even though it was a rhetorical question.

_**Just keep him talking. We're gonna die, but if he keeps talking for thirty minutes, we may be able to die a virgin.**_

"Well it's a good thing that I don't care what you think then." He sneered, standing from his chair. Uh-oh… The chair rolled away into the wall but his body was between me and the door. "Well, we better get started. I have to be out of here before that bomb goes off, after all."

"Don't you wanna explain your whole plot and everything beforehand, though?" I asked as a means of stalling. He was the bad guy after all. Although, it was a fairly obvious plot from what I could conclude by looking around his office. He was a creepy, perverted, freak.

"No." He answered, grabbing me by the shoulders and standing me up. He then spun me around and pinned me against the door. Man, I wished I was wearing more clothes… "I just wanna have my fun…" He hissed.

"Please, just untie me." I begged.

"And why would I do that?" He questioned, his golden eyes boring into my emerald ones. His hips ground forcefully against mine and I felt no pleasure. Just crazy fear.

"I'll make it worth your while." I vowed.

"You'll just try to fight me off." Orochimaru corrected, his lips way too close to my ear.

"Maybe." I admitted.

"I'd like to see you try." He chuckled, his hand reaching around my back for the tie of the nylon cord. There was a small tug and I felt the cords loosening.

The second my hands were free, I raised my arms to somehow injure him but he pinned my hands with his own in a second. Crap.

"Is that all you got?" He asked.

_**Fuck…**_

Twenty-six minutes, fifty-seven seconds…

-Main Office Building-

-3rd Person P.O.V.-

"Haven't seen her." Tsunade responded immediately.

"Are you sure, because Ebisu said she was with you." Itachi prodded, trying very hard to remain calm.

"Then go ask Ebisu, because I haven't seen that girl in a good, long time." Tsunade shrugged them off, not at all concerned. She through Sakura had just possibly escaped their clutches for a few hours of freedom from their corrupting influence. In her book, this was a very good thing.

Looking very disappointed, but then suddenly blood-thirsty, the boys filed out of her office and across the hall to the Guidance Office. Sasori did not bother knocking but instead kicked Ebisu's door down, leapt across the room and kicked Ebisu in the face while standing on his desk.

"Where the fuck is Sakura, you stupid lying bastard?!" He demanded, bending over and grabbing Ebisu's collar to get all up in his now-bloody face.

"Whaa?" Ebisu mumbled, disoriented from having his brains kicked in.

"Where is she?!" Sasori demanded again, shaking the older man violently.

"The girl? Sakura?" Ebisu asked, trying very hard to come to his senses so that Sasori and the others would leave sooner. Preferably before they killed him.

"Of course Sakura! Now where the fuck is she?!" Sasori demanded, completely fed up with Ebisu's crap. He wanted to know where she was _now_.

"Orochimaru said he was taking her to Tsunade… The nurse was out…" Ebisu murmured pathetically.

Sasori immediately dropped Ebisu, who flopped to the ground. "Orochimaru…" Murderous intent filled the room. Sasori stood up fully on Ebisu's desk and turned to face the others, who were equally pissed at the moment. "His house is gone, so he probably took her to his classroom."

"Then let's go." Kisame growled and they all left for Orochimaru's classroom, brewing with ill-intent.

-Orochimaru's Office-

-Sakura's P.O.V.-

"You're friends aren't here to save you this time…" Orochimaru practically purred, pressing his lips against my neck and biting really hard.

"Ah!" I yelled when I felt the blood running down my neck. Was he really a serial killer rapist, or was he just a vampire with homicidal tendencies? I struggled futilely against his grip.

"What a nice sound…" He purred against my neck. "Do it again." He commanded, biting my neck again, twisting his head so as to tear even more flesh.

"Ahh!" I screamed, unable to stop myself, it hurt so much. He licked the blood from the wound. So much for all my training from the guys. I still couldn't get this bastard off of me. "Dammit." I swore, trying to twist my neck away from him.

Orochimaru removed his face from my now-bleeding-a-lot neck to look me in the eyes. "I'm curious," He said, moving my hands above my head and pinning them there with one of his own. The other hand trailed down my body. "Will you cry?" He pondered aloud, his hand going under the hem of Itachi's hoodie to grab at the lip of my underwear.

I gulped and steeled myself.

_I give up._

_**Oh hell to the fucking no. Girl, this ain't acceptable.**_

_But what do I do?!_

_**See that desk?**_

_Yes…_ I thought, thinking that this sounded a lot like a conversation I had with Inner Sakura before. Only it was Orochimaru and not Ebisu and this was a desk and not Playdoh.

_**Use it.**_

Twenty-two minutes, thirty-eight seconds…

-Orochimaru's Classroom-

-3rd Person P.O.V.-

"God fucking dammit! Un!" Deidara yelled, kicking aside a desk. The classroom was empty.

"Where is she?" Tobi wondered aloud, hopelessly.

None of them knew.

-Orochimaru's Office-

-Sakura's P.O.V.-

So I was pressed against the wall by Orochimaru. Behind me was the door. Behind him was a wall of monitors and a desk. On the floor next to me there was a ticking time bomb. On the desk there was a lighter. An Ed Hardy lighter…

"Deidara…" I whispered sadly.

"He's not here to save you this time." Orochimaru hissed cruelly. His hand tightened on my ass.

"Who said I needed them to kick your ass?" I asked him cockily, completely changing my demeanor. Maybe he didn't see the vein pop on my overly large forehead after all?

He looked up curiously, ready for me to put up a fight. The second his eyes were on mine, I head-butted him. Hard.

"You bitch!" He swore, stumbling away, gripping his forehead. He leaned against one of the side walls, dizzy.

Instead of running out the door right behind me, I leapt past him to his desk, grabbed Deidara's lighter, and stood on top of the desk. I flicked the lighter on and held it up to the sprinkler in the ceiling. They were what could sense smoke…

Orochimaru noticed what I was doing and grabbed me around the ankles and yanked me down violently but not before the detector detected. The sprinkler system started going and the fire alarm started blaring. The whole school would evacuate. Good. So now I didn't have to worry about the guys getting blown up. They weren't going to be able to save me, but at least they wouldn't get blown up.

Twenty minutes, forty-two seconds…

-Orochimaru's Classroom-

-3rd Person P.O.V.-

Several teachers running by to escape the building spotted the Akatsuki boys in Orochimaru's classroom.

They had a very tough time getting the boys to evacuate but ultimately succeeded in getting them out of the building. Whatever was going on was not a drill and, for all they knew, they were in danger…

How right they were. Considering the time bomb and all…

-Orochimaru's Office-

-Sakura's P.O.V.-

I hit my head on the fall and it hurt like fucking hell, for a moment I thought I was going to black out. Orochimaru took advantage of my delirium and crawled on top of me. One of his hands pinned both of mine again. His hips held mine down as he lay between my legs. His free hand grabbed my jaw and squeezed until my mouth opened and his lips clamped down on mine.

_**Oh this is sooooo gross!**_

I tried to turn away but he held me there. My skin crawled with revulsion as his tongue ran over mine.

_Ugh, I wanna vomit in this bastard's mouth._

_**You should.**_

_Unfortunately, I am unable to induce vomiting…_

Finally, his lips left mine, which I really wanted to burn off at that moment. He chuckled at my grossed-out face and unzipped Itachi's hoodie. Uh-oh…

_**You have to get back to the desk again, you have to use it…**_

_Well, I'm a little tied up at the moment!_

His hand travelled down to unzip his pants…

_Oh, fuck this shit._

I started screaming at the top of my lungs. I was thrashing around as violently as possible. Sadly no one could hear me over the noise of the fire alarm. But, luckily, the water raining from the ceiling had made my hands slick (but not the rest of my body because Orochimaru was shielding me) and I was able to wiggle my hands free.

Not knowing exactly how I was going to do this, I clawed blindly at Orochimaru's face. He screeched and rolled off of me. I scrambled to my feet and stood in front of the desk that Inner Sakura kept insisting I use. Orochimaru got to his feet too and charged me.

His arm reached out but I grabbed it, turned sharply, and flipped him so his back landed heavily on his desk, smashing it in half. Now that the legs on the table were loosened, I broke one off. It was very thick and from where I broke it off, it was also very pointy. A giant splinted waiting to happen.

Smiling in that sadistic way that I do when Inner Sakura has steered me right, I swung my leg over his torso so I was standing over his hips. He looked up at me bemusedly. He was on the brink of unconsciousness.

"You underestimated me." I told him.

"What cha gonna do about it?" He asked mockingly.

I flipped the table-leg around so that the pointy part was facing him. I raised my eyebrows and shrugged.

"Heh." He heh'd.

"I'm going to make sure you never hurt any girls ever again." I told him, smiling all pretty even though I was wet and almost naked and feeling quite violated with a bleeding neck.

"You're going to kill me." He said. It wasn't a question.

"Oh, you wish I were that sober." I answered. "But, seeing as I'm very drunk, when I aim for your heart, I may miss the target just a little bit."

He looked up at me curiously. I lowered the table leg so that the big spiky part rested, with just a bit of pressure, over the crotch of his pants where he'd started undoing his fly earlier.

His eyes widened. "Don't…"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm too weak and pathetic and hopelessly drunk to understand you. What was that?" I asked sarcastically, offering him my ear.

"Don't do it." He whispered, looking only at where the table leg rested above his… parts.

"Nope." I sung and with an all-mighty push, I plunged the table leg through him. Revenge is sweet. "Vengeance is mine, bitch!"

I wanted Orochimaru to live, of course, so that he could go to jail and get raped by fellow inmates but not be able to rape them due to the fact that I was pretty sure his now-mutilated penis would have to be amputated. So, I grabbed his hand and dragged his unconscious body out of the building.

Outside, the school fields were filled with evacuated students. I spotted the Akatsuki nearby and they rushed forward.

Sasori immediately tackled me to the ground, which, I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed. He didn't kiss me though, which I appreciated, because I was covered in Oro-germs. He just hugged me close.

"Hey, it's okay, I'm fine now." I told him, hugging him back.

"I was worried." He confessed. Finally, he stood back up and helped me to my feet.

"What the fuck happened to him?!" Hidan asked, looking, terrified, at Orochimaru, who still had a wooden pike sticking out of his crotch.

"I got angry." I said, pacing past them, away from the building. They followed me. We settled pretty far away from the school building with the rest of the students and looked up at the school.

A few police officers, who had responded to the un-planned fire alarm, got Orochimaru. They came over to where we were and started questioning me.

"Wait," I told them, watching the school. "I've been waiting to say this. So just wait."

So they fell silent and everyone watched the school with me.

After a few minutes, it blew up. Kaplooey.

Good-bye school.

Deidara was staring at the school looking completely awed but at the same time, seriously jealous that he hadn't been the one to blow it up.

It was my time to shine right then though.

So I stood up, wiggled my hips, and sang:

"Schooool's _out_ forrrr SUMMAH!" (_A/N: Lyric's from 'School's Out' by Alice Cooper. Perfect song for this chapter's ending? I think so.)_

--

_This is, of course, not the end of the story (it's not over until Sakura's got a commitment) but it is the end of the Orochimaru arc. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and appreciate that I did not leave you hanging again. I originally planned to make this two chapters, since it got so long, but I made it one just for you! So thanks for powering through it. I got a little sick, writing some of this. It was pretty gross…_

_Anyway, next chapter is PEIN and SUMMER BREAK!! Joyous time._

_BTW, I updated even though I'm on vacation, so you better fucking review. I made myself ill, writing this!_

_Oh, and I like how you all wanted the guys to save her, but she can save her own ass now! YAY GIRL POWER! Hahaha, sorry for the lack of fluff in this one. At least it was a little bit fluffy with Sasori, who everyone seems to like._


	22. Take Off Your Pants

_I know that 583 reviews isn't a nice, round mile stone like 500 is but I DON'T CARE! I'M ECSTATIC!! THANK YOU GUYS SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH! I LOVE YOU ALL! Please keep reading and reviewing so that I can keep spazzing and writing in the permanent state of joy I have now entered!!!_

_Haha, anyway, welcome to the Pein/Summer arc!_

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 22**

**Take Off Your Pants**

Due to the fact that the school blew up, there was no evidence remaining to support the 'Orochimaru's a creeper' charge. The police did not believe me about all the TV monitors and stuff. Instead, they sent Orochimaru to a hospital to recover from the blood loss that occurred when I destroyed his manhood, whose remaining pieces had to be cut off. There, he awaited trial as a sex offender.

However, when they cleared away the debris from his fallen house _we_ had blown up, they found a basement no one knew existed and the preserved remains of several men and women who had gone missing over the past few years all over the country. He now awaited trial for 16 counts of murder. He is death row bound.

But that's all Orochimaru crap, let's get back to the good stuff.

After I had done my little song and dance routine at the sight of the burning school, I zipped up Itachi's hoodie and calmed down. The school had been transformed, at this point, into a giant mushroom cloud, but I had other concerns. "I need pants…" I muttered, looking down at my bare legs.

In a flash, Sasori was holding out his jeans for me. Standing there in all his boxer-and-tee-shirt glory. With that completely serious look on his face. I resisted laughing my ass off, grabbed his pants, and put them on. They were way too big, but he also had a belt so it was all good. But there was something hitting my leg…

I reached into the right pocket and felt two small packages. Pulling them out, I found my precious Waldo and Sasori's black iPod that I had named Billie… Billie Joe Armstrong. I gasped, totally ecstatic. I looked at Sasori, grateful to the stars but I stopped myself from hugging him in anyway. Instead, speed of light, I reached into Tobi's pocket, pulled out his Listerine pocket-sized bottle, washed out my mouth of all Orochimaru germs, spat to my left, and then jumped at Sasori. Tobi is a good boy for having hygienic stuff where ever he went.

"You saved Waldo!!" I cheered, hugging Sasori around the neck, wrapping my legs around his waist.

I was going to kiss him but was stopped in an unexpected way. "Sasori! Your pants!" Hidan gasped, tearing off his jeans to hold them out for Sasori.

"Hidan! Your pants!" Deidara exclaimed, pulling off his pants with lightning quick speed to hold them up to Hidan.

"Deidara! Your pants!" Tobi cried, offering his pants to Deidara.

"Tobi! Your pants!" Zetsu kept the train going.

"Zetsu! Your pants!" Kisame yelled, not breaking the cycle.

We all turned towards Itachi who still had his pants very much on. He had his arms crossed over his chest and was raising his eyebrows at us. "No." He said.

"Awww!" We all mock cried, giving him the collective 'come _on_' face.

"N-O." He stated firmly.

"Geez, no need to spell at us." I pouted. "Can you at least take off your shirt. It makes me happy to see you guys removing clothing."

"Even me?" Sasori asked hopefully, hugging me around the waist.

"_You_," I clarified, "should just walk around naked."

"Are you still drunk?" Itachi asked me wisely.

"Most likely~!" I sing-songed, dismounting from Sasori to glomp Kisame instead. He was much more… blue.

"Y'know." Kisame said, chuckling. "I like you when you're drunk."

"I like you when you're not wearing pants." I said, hugging him around his neck.

"I like you when you're not wearing pants too." He responded suggestively.

"That's nice." I chirped, before abandoning his hug to attack Deidara. He was much more… blonde.

"Hello, un." Deidara greeted demurely as I clung onto him koala style.

"What happens now?" I asked him.

"What do you mean, un?" He asked me.

"Where am I going to go now that it's summer?" I clarified.

I saw the realization hit his eyes. I was basically homeless. Until now, I'd planned to stay at the school all summer, but now that it had been blown up…

"You're staying with us, of course." Zetsu spoke up.

"Yeah, and we'd give you a group hug right now because of everything you went through this past semester but we're too macho." Kisame explained.

I laughed. "I love you guys."

"Well, that leaves only one thing left, then." Sasori smirked.

"What?" I asked, apprehensive. I was pretty sure he was going to say 'group sex' or something. That would be such a Sasori thing to say.

"Shopping for new clothes since ours all blew up." Sasori smiled while Itachi snickered under his breath at my thoughts.

I cheered up immediately at the thought of shopping. "I don't think the mall will let you guys in unless you put your pants back on…" I pointed out as we walked away from the police who had yet to question me properly. Itachi just handed them his cell phone number when he passed them.

-Mall-

I gave Sasori his pants back and returned Itachi's hoodie. Kisame took off his sweatshirt and t-shirt and gave me the shirt before butting his sweatshirt back on. His shirt was like a dress on me, so it was all good. Plus, it was black and he had made it in silk-screening. It had a picture of a shark on it and on the front it said "bite me" and on the back it said "I'll bite back".

We got out of Tobi's monster truck in a pile, Zetsu last, as he was still cuddling Gertrude who he'd had the foresight to evacuate the building with when the fire alarm had gone off and was now unable to let her go after such a close call.

However, when we entered the mall, it was a completely different situation than any of my previous mall trips. I was surrounded by seven hot guys and they weren't wearing 'Sakura's Bitch' shirts nor did anyone in the mall know their police records so…

"Hi~" A very cute girl that had to be around 17 or 18 purred _**in a whore-tastic way**_ at Itachi. "I'm May."

I looked at Itachi, wondering what his next move would be. He seemed so far indifferent.

May, _**The-Slut-Faced-Bitch-With-So-Many-Daddy-Issues-She-Shouldn't-Even-Be-Looking-At-My-Arm-Candy,**_ leaned into him a little, inviting him to look down her low cut shirt. Itachi, in a classy way, did not, and kept staring at her eyes. "We could go somewhere, you know, and have some fun. If you know what I'm saying…" She hinted.

And, of course, Itachi _would _know what she was saying even if she didn't say it because he could totally see what mental images she was conjuring and I knew he knew what she was thinking because his face was twisted up in a grossed out oh-lord-save-me kind of way. His hand twitched as if he wanted to rub his wrist as if handcuffs had… she was thinking S&M things! May smiled more and Itachi twitched and mouthed the words 'oh, lord, save me' this time.

And I shall be the lord in this case.

"Excuse me." I hissed in a bitch-don't-mess-with-me way, sliding up to Itachi's side. "Are you hitting on _my_ boyfriend?" I asked, raising my eyebrows at her in a better-not-be way.

"Bitch, please." She huffed, holding her hand up to my face and putting the other hand on her hip. "With that giant-ass forehead and crappy dye job on your hair I can already tell you're pathetic. You don't even deserve a guy like this. I could actually show him a good time. You're probably not even his real girlfriend. Looks to me like you really belong with that big ugly giant over there. You two match, both hideous outcasts of society and all." She said, pointing at Kisame.

I was going to punch her but Inner Sakura spurted out something way better and way more painful than any damage I could have inflicted. Casual as can be, Inner Sakura unleashed a calm rant of awesome-tastic proportions:

"_**Y'know, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch. You see, May, you're popular because you developed early and started putting out when you were 12, but now, you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you hit on guys like Itachi to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body is used up by age 19, you're gonna be a worn-out, chalky skin, burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ball park?"**_

_Thank you Brian from Family Guy for that amazing quote from the episode Barely Legal…_

_**Amen.**_

May nearly gagged after she caught everything that had just spewed out of my mouth. Her hand came up to cover her mouth as her overly mascara-d eyes fought back tears. "You bitch!" She spat before turning and running off.

"And Kisame's fucking sexy, punk, and don't you forget it!" I yelled after her.

"Did you just call her a punk?" Kisame asked.

"Hells to the fucking _yeah_ I called her a punk! Now let's get shopping!" I fist-pumped the air and led the way.

"Oh, Sakura, in case we get separated, take this cell phone, okay?" Itachi handed me a cell phone.

"Okay," I muttered, staring at the unfamiliar device. It was a one of those cool slide phones so I slid it open and entered the address book. I found all the guys but also a lot of other people. "Why do you have Naruto's, Kiba's, Lee's, and 'That bastard Itachi''s phone numbers in your phone?" I asked, confused.

"Oh, it's Sasuke's." Itachi shrugged. "I sort of, might have stolen it…"

I smiled and was grateful Kisame's shirt had pockets for me to stick it in.

As it turned out, it was very good Itachi had given me the phone because we did get separated.

We lost Tobi in Pet Co ("Kitties!!"). Itachi and Hidan vanished into a Starbucks ("Coffee…" "Fuck yeah, coffee."). Kisame refused to leave The Love Sac where he lounged in a giant chair ("What can I say? The giant bean bag chair seduced me into its depts."). Deidara and Sasori disappeared into an art supply store ("Art is a bang." "Bitch, please, art is BLAH BLAH BLAH SASORI-TASTIC ART RANT."). And a very fat man had knocked into Zetsu and almost injured Gertrude so Zetsu went insane and the mall police guys had tried to calm him down but he beat the crap out of them so I had to quarantine him in a massage chair at Brookstone.

"Um, that chair is for one person…" The store clerk, who had seen Zetsu beat the crap out of the mall guards and was thus afraid, informed us in a tiny voice.

He was most likely saying this because I was quarantining Zetsu with my body by straddling his waist and pushing his shoulders against the chair. "I'm holding him down. Do you want me to get off so he can kick your ass too?"

The clerk flinched, looking between Zetsu and me quickly. He obviously felt awkward. "Carry on." He muttered and walked away quickly and stiffly.

"You shouldn't have stopped me." Evil Zetsu hissed, struggling to get up but the Bookstone chair was so plushy that he had sunk very far into its massaging depths and with me on top of him, he didn't have the leverage to get up.

"So you could kill them? As if. Now relax into the massaging chair and become good Zetsu again!" I told him, pushing his shoulders down more harshly so he wouldn't escape.

He shrugged. "They deserved it. The fat bastard almost hurt Gertrude." He said. Gertrude now sat safely on the box containing a tall iPod speaker next to us. "But this isn't such a bad alternative to their demise…" He smirked.

"Wow, you're really different when you go skitz." I told him.

_**I like it.**_

_Shut up._

"I just have a different set of priorities." He replied in a very dirty sounding way.

"Oookay then." I said nervously and got off of him immediately.

"Heh." He stood up too and I led us out of Brookstone. He grabbed Gertrude and didn't even give the unconscious bodies of the mall cops a second glance as he followed silently behind me.

We were walking past a closed up shop where they were remodeling Wet Seal. The hall was empty and Zetsu, Evil Zetsu, took advantage of the situation to pull me down an adjoining hallway that led to the bathrooms and a fire exit. It was abandoned also and he pushed me against the wall. He was leaning in for the Evil Zetsu kill but I had to stop this. My day had sucked so far, I wasn't about to make out with skitz-y Zetsu just to make myself feel better.

My last shred of sanity told me that doing so would be wrong.

"I have to pee." I stated bluntly as possible. I didn't actually have to pee, but it was a guaranteed mood killer.

Zetsu's head dropped and he gave an almighty sigh and dropped one of his arms on either side of my head so I could make my escape to the restroom. I thought that once I was inside I'd be able to think of how to calm him down and turn him back into Good Zetsu, who wouldn't attack me. However, I didn't have this option, because the second I was in the bathroom, a man shoved me against the wall for what felt like the hundredth fucking time today.

"Hi, I'm going to need you to give me all your money now." The guy said, smiling kindly in a deceiving-way considering the not-so-friendly switch blade he held to my neck.

He looked about eighteen-ish, maybe older. His face wasn't tanned but not pale. His hair was an orange that reminded me of Juugo but his drop-dead sexy face was nothing like Juugo's. First of all, he wasn't selling fertilizer, he was mugging me. Second, he was riddled with piercings.

There were too many black rings in his ears to count and a big bar straight through the upper lobe. His left eyebrow had two black rings with balls on the end looping through it. His lower lip was just over fang-like, black, snake bite piercings. One either side of his nose were three black beads. He wore a black T-shirt, loose jeans, and skater sneakers.

But I wasn't in the mood to drool over his sexiness at the moment. Nor was I in the mood to get mugged in a bathroom.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because, that bastard Kakuzu won't give me any and I need to buy some gas. We ran out on our way to the school." He gestured behind him to another guy in the _women's_ restroom that I hadn't noticed before.

Kakuzu looked to be about the same age as his mugger friend. He was very darkly tanned, most likely from some foreign country. His shaggy, semi-long black hair hung in a shaggy heap and into his green eyes that rested in a bed of black irises. He dressed like a low-key goth in a black no-sleeve shirt and black jeans without any gaudy chains or anything. Coming out of his mouth and dragging up below his ears were tattoos that looked like stitches. Around his neck was the same style tattoo and encircling both of his very muscular arms several time were other rings of stitch-like tattoos.

"It's _my_ money. I'm not giving you any, Pein." Kakuzu replied apathetically.

"Money grubber." Pein, _**the sexy pierced one**_, accused under his breath, turning away from Kakuzu, _**the drop dead gorgeous goth of hott-dom.**_

_Shut up._

_**You know it's true.**_

"I just have my priorities straight. Plus, I don't waste all my money on new things to stab through my skin." Kakuzu pointed out mockingly.

"You can't say anything about my piercings when you're the one with all the fucking tattoos!" Pein whined lightly, rolling his eyes and looking over his shoulder at the goth. Did I mention his eyes were weird? They had just rings of black to from the pupil… Odd…

"I steal my ink and supplies. I don't go buying crappy body jewelry on the boardwalk from every hobo claiming its genuine onyx blessed by ancient Buddhist monks." Kakuzu referenced some event in the past.

"That was _one_ time!" Pein whined, seeming very much like an embarrassed child.

"It was seven times." Kakuzu corrected, smirking. "Now just get the money from the girl so we can get the gas and get to the school."

"Oh yeah!" Pein declared and refocused on me, pressing the switch blade, with renewed urgency, against me neck. "Ahem!" He said, clearing his throat before changing his voice to a much more threatening, bad ass, ganster-tastic-but-not-in-the-stupid-rich-white-kid-way one. "Gimme all your money so I can get to the school."

"The school blew up." I told them, not even remotely threatened after the whole conversation I'd just heard.

"The school blew up?!" Pein asked, shocked.

I nodded slowly.

"Did Deidara do it?!" Pein demanded to know.

"No, but he was super jeal—YOU KNOW DEIDARA?!" I stumbled over my words, shocked.

"Oh, you must go to the school, right?" Pein asked. I nodded. "So you know of the Akatsuki, right?"

"Yeah…" I drawled, not knowing quite where this was going. If he was looking for the Akatsuki, they might be in trouble. But, then again, he was trying to rob me and he didn't look any older than Itachi did, so he was definitely not a cop. Maybe he was the big brother of one of the many people the Akatsuki whooped the asses of!

"Do you know them personally?" Pein pressed, getting excited.

"A little…" I replied, confused over his actual goal.

"Do you know where we can find them?" He continued his questioning.

"Depends, are you still trying to rob me?" I raised my eyebrows at him, letting him know that the ball was in his court now.

The smile disappeared from Pein's face. He pressed the knife closer to my neck, looking very threatening all of a sudden. "No, but I'll hurt you if you don't tell me what I need to know."

I glared, not liking the way this was going. I pouted and turned my head away from him. "I lied, I don't know the Akatsuki at all. I just have heard of them but I'm a freshman so I never see them." I told them all stuck-up like because I did not take kindly to being threatened multiple times in one day. Once a day it quite enough, thank you very much. And if this Pein guy knows what's good for him, he'll back off before he winds up with a giant splinter where the sun doesn't shine.

Pein huffed and moved away from me. He turned and grunted in frustration, grabbing at his crazy, spiky orange hair. "Dammit, where the hell are those fucking brats?!" He yelled to the ceiling.

_I'm sorry Mr. Ceiling. It's my fault that he takes his anger out on you._

_**But I'm not about to sell out my sex-gods. Even to another sex-god.**_

"I'm just gonna go now…" I said, slinking back towards the door.

Kakuzu shrugged, not caring, against the wall he was leaning on. Pein was still glaring at the ceiling. I reached for the handle but before I could open it Pein yelled "Wait!"

"What now?" I asked him, sick of this whole thing. I'd rather be attacked by Evil Zetsu right now than spend more time in this bathroom with this jerk and his apathetic friend. No matter how hot they were!

Pein's face contorted into a sly smile. "Isn't that Kisame's shirt?"

_**Fuck, he got us.**_

_A/N: Okay, there you go. Pein's here. And it's SUMMAH TIME!! I mainly updated just so Greygrey could start the week on a good note. She's never read Naruto but she has faithfully read this fanfic for me and I love her for it. Plus I corrupted her, because now she's a huge Itachi fan! Yay!_

_Btw, Waldo was my iPod for a few years but I donated him to the Amish this past fall. I now have a 5__th__ generation nano, black, named Billie Joe Armstrong. He's so awesomeeee!!_

_Now, please, review? PWEASE?!_


	23. Kisame, Take Me to Pandora!

_OMG, just thinking about what was going to be in the chapter made me laugh my ass off._

_OH, AND 600 REVIEWS!! I'm chocking on my mouth foam! Thanks everybody! I loves you!!!_

_If you're wondering why this was updated so soon, there was a reason: __if Greygrey (a good friend of mine) would review chapter 22 in the next 24 hours after history on Monday, I would update within 72 hours of her reviewing. So she reviewed at the 22nd hour, naturally, and now I have to give you guys a speedy update._

_Chapter Warning: If you like Kisame, you might cry during this chapter. From laughing for from sadness. I'm sorry, I couldn't resist doing what I did to him in this chapter XD._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 23**

**Kisame, Take Me to Pandora!!**

I threw the door open and sprinted out into the hall where I expected Zetsu to be still waiting. He was. "Zetsu!" I whined, throwing myself into his arms. He'd protect me from the hot robber guys.

"What's wrong?" Zetsu asked. "Was Orochimaru in the bathroom?!" He guessed.

"No, but these two thug-" I began but was cut off.

"Zetsu," A deep voice down the hall said as if just a name counted as a standard greeting. He had orange hair and loose clothes and skater shoes and lots of piercings- ZOH MY FUCKING GOD THAT'S PEIN!!

He looked completely different just by his aura. His facial expression was indifferent if not superior. His body language was stiff and alert. His eyes were void of all emotion. Shadowing behind him was Kakuzu. Now that he wasn't leaning against a bathroom wall it was obvious that he was really tall. Second only to Kisame.

But that wasn't the issue here.

I looked between them and the bathroom quickly. Once. Twice. So many times that I made my neck hurt.

_**OH, MY GOD, THEY'RE NINJA!!! EVIL, EVIL NINJA!! **__(A/N: Pun is very much intended right here XD) _Inner Sakura screamed in fear of how they had somehow gotten to the end of the hallway before we had hardly even reached Zetsu.

"He, he.... he was just!!!" I stammered, not having any idea what to say. I switch between staring pleadingly at Zetsu (who looked back bored) and throwing Pein deeply confused looks. He was like an entirely different person. He just seemed so rigid and business-like.

He inclined his head toward me a tiny, tiny little bit and raised his eyebrows in a very 'I assure you, I have no idea what you're talking about' way but like he was too cool and too prideful to say the words out loud.

_**I FUCKING HATE HIM, THE OVER-PIERCED BASTARD FROM THE LAND OF ALL THINGS DOUCHE-BAGGY!!!**_

I had to agree with my inner. No matter how hot or schizophrenic this guy was, he was just an all around jerk.

Pein just stared calmly past me back to Zetsu again. "Where are the others?"

"They're here somewhere. I'll send them all a message to meet us here." Zetsu answered, pulling out his phone. He seemed so much stiffer than usual and I just knew it had something to do with this evil, scary, bossy Pein. I turned to glare at the suddenly terrifying man.

Pein was looking business-y but once he saw that Zetsu was absorbed in texting and I was looking at him he stuck out his tongue at me looking as human and equal as he had in the bathroom.

_OH, MY GOD!!! THIS DOUCHE BAG IS JUST MESSING WITH US!!_

_**AND HE HAS A TONGUE PIERCING!!**_

I gaped and pointed at him, shocked. But then I knew that the second Zetsu glanced at him, his face would morph back into the evil-ninja superior face. This was so frustrating.

"Dammit!" I screamed and banged my head against the wall.

"Sakura!" Zetsu exclaimed, sending his text message, pocketing his phone, and rushing towards me.

Pein's face froze over again, his tongue, sexy and pierced, disappearing back into his mouth.

Zetsu seized my shoulders and spun me so I was facing him. "What's wrong?"

"I don't like him." I pouted, pointing at Pein.

"Kakuzu?" Zetsu asked, looking puzzled.

I followed his gaze and saw that I was pointing at Kakuzu. Him and Pein had switched positions in a split-second.

_**SEE?! EVIL FUCKING NINJA!!**_

"Dammit!" I screamed again and tried to turn back to the wall to injure myself again. I got halfway there but someone was behind me, blocking my way.

"What are you doing, un?" Deidara asked, ruffling my hair. Damn him and his tall-ness. But, hey, he was cute.

I returned his smile and hugged him. He was _so_ much less schizophrenic than this Pein bastard and Zetsu and I didn't even know what to make of this Kakuzu person. "Got your text, un." Deidara said to Zetsu as I glommed on to him. "Look whose back in town, un." Deidara smirked, looking towards Pein and Kakuzu.

"Yeah, I thought you guys wouldn't be coming until finals were over." Sasori said. He must have come into the hallway with Deidara but I only saw him now, talking with Pein and Kakuzu. They both had impassive faces while Sasori smiled like it was totally natural to be this apathetic in public and not be Itachi.

"Itachi's mother called to tell us that she thought something was going to happen so we should come to pick you all up early for the summer." Pein explained.

"Those Uchiha's and their psychic powers…" Sasori mumbled in awe.

_**IT'S NOT JUST ITACHI?!**_

_Itachi's family is truly terrifying._

"She knew the school was going to blow up and she didn't tell me, un?!" Deidara exclaimed and then pouted.

"Don't blame my mother for your negligence." Itachi directed calmly, walking onto the scene.

"Itachi," Pein said, inclining his head to Itachi.

"Pein," Itachi responded in matching monotone.

"Itachi!" I cheered. I pointed at Pein and stated the following. "Hufflepuff Ecuador apostrophe sierra _in bed_ anomaly _in bed_ limp ingrate anomaly retrospect comma _in bed_ Hufflepuff Ecuador apostrophe sierra _in bed_ retrospect Ecuador anomaly limp limp yellowstone _in bed_ irritating malformed anomaly turtle undeniable retrospect Ecuador."

It was a simple code really and I'm sure Itachi could figure it out even though I had just made it up right now. Just take the first letter of every word to form the words. 'In bed' meant 'space' and apostrophe meant apostrophe and comma meant comma. So, translation: He's a liar, he's really immature.

Itachi turned to me. He raised an eyebrow. "Dumbledore useless Hufflepuff."

_**I think he just said 'duh'…**_

_Yeah… So he KNOWS?_

_**Well, he is psychic.**_

"What. The. Fuck?" Hidan asked from the end of the hall. He had caught mine and Itachi's coded conversation.

"Looks! Tobi got a kitten!!" Tobi exclaimed at the end of the hallway, holding up a kitten. He took our shocked silence to inform us: "I named her Bonbon!"

And with that, the little black kitty leapt out of Tobi's hands and padded over to Itachi. Itachi picked up the kitten to inspect her and she licked his cheek. "Cute." Itachi remarked apathetically. Bonbon rubber her cheek against his and purred happily.

Zetsu snatched the kitten and held her out to Tobi. "Return the kitten." He instructed.

"Awww." Tobi pouted, took Bonbon, and slinked off to return her to Pet Co.

"So where's Kisame?" I asked.

"We better go fucking look for that fucktard." Hidan mumbled, slinking back toward the more popular, less abandoned part of the mall and found him right quick.

Kisame was running down the hall in our direction. He looked very sweaty and out of breath, as if he had been running for a while. Behind him was a hoard of people chasing him. They were all wearing 3D glasses. It was obvious they had just gotten out of the latest showing of _Avatar_. It was mostly obvious from their cries of "Take me to Pandora!" and "Don't let the imperialists get you down!"

_A/N: In case you live under a rock or some other place that does not freak over the movie __Avatar__, it's a movie about humans invading a planet, called Pandora, of aliens, called the Na'vi, who are tall, blue, muscular, golden-eyed, and all around awesome. So they do sort of look like Kisame. Only more cat-like, less shark-like._

Kisame, moving too fast for me to get out of the way and for him to stop, he plowed _right into me_. Sad thing was, we were on the second floor conveniently next to the 'up' escalator. So we both flew into the up escalator's shaft and tumbled down, yet up at the same time, turning over and over in a very painful way.

Finally, Itachi had the presence of mind to hit the emergency stop button so we tumbled all the way down the stairs, through the open doors of the YMCA (yes, our mall has a YMCA, get over it), and into the pool. I resurface quickly and saw Kisame being wrestled out by several lifeguards. A latino man in a red speedo with a whistle around his neck and a nametag that read 'Pablo' forced mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on Kisame. Kisame, grossed out of his skull, froze in revulsion. Pablo resurfaced from the completely homosexual kiss of life and beat Kisame's chest.

"BREATHE, GOD DAMN YOU, BREATHE!" He cried dramatically. "HE'S TURNED BLUE! OH, GOD, HOW CAN YOU TAKE HIM FROM US SO YOUNG?!" and he broke down into sobs.

"SHUT UP, PABLO!" Kisame yelled and punched the misguided lifeguard, who tumbled into the pool. Kisame then stood up disgruntled and I pulled myself out of the pool to exit the YMCA where our friends had descended the elevator in time to see Kisame being violated. They were laughing their asses off. Except Pein, Itachi, and Kakuzu, who don't do the whole 'LMAO' thing…

I looked down at myself. I was soaked and the shirt was all sticking to me now. "I'm all wet!" I whined.

Everybody broke off from their laughing and there was a collective "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" before they started laughing again, twice as hard. Kisame remained silent though, bemoaning his bad luck.

"It's always Pablo…" I muttered to myself.

Kisame glared at me.

"No-no, it's not that I think you're _gay_ or anything!" I back-pedaled, stumbling over my words.

"I AM NOT GAY!" Kisame yelled, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me.

"I just said you weren't!" I explained hysterically.

"I SWEAR I'M NOT GAY! I CAN TELL BECAUSE I'M THINKING ABOUT YOU NAKED RIGHT NOW!" Kisame exclaimed.

"THAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION! I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT!" I yelled right back.

"I CAN'T BE BLAMED WHEN YOU'RE SAYING PERVERTED THINGS AND ALL WET AND EVERYTHING! YOU COMPLETELY RUINED MY SHIRT BUT I DON'T EVEN CARE BECAUSE YOU LOOK REALLY SEXY RIGHT NOW!" He explained desperately.

"THANK YOU, BUT I'M GETTING MORE AND MORE DISTURBED BY THE MOMENT!" I told him loudly.

"OKAY, THEN LET'S CHANGE THE TOPIC TO ME BUYING SOME ACID TO WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH!" Kisame yelled.

"OKAY!" I screamed right back.

"WHY ARE WE STILL YELLING?!" Kisame asked.

"BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY THAT PEOPLE ARE STOPPING TO STARE AT US AND IT MADE ALL THE GUYS STOP LAUGHING ABOUT YOU MAKING OUT WITH PABLO THE LIFEGUARD, ESPECIALLY AFTER YOU KISSED PABLO, THE SCHOOL'S UNSANITARY CPR DUMMY!" I explained.

"YOU DIDN'T NEED TO REMIND ME OF THAT! AND WE WEREN'T MAKING OUT! IT WAS CPR!" Kisame whined.

"SORRY! IT'S JUST SO TRAGIC THAT YOUR LIPS ARE RUINED FOR LIFE NOW!" I tried to sympathize but I'd made out with many of the guys surrounding me. My lips were going to hell, but at least they were happy.

Speaking of which…

Kisame lurched me forward and kissed me passionately. After several minutes and coughs from on-lookers feeling awkward, we separated. "There." Kisame whispered, smiling. "Now my lips are cured." And he looked at me expectantly, which just meant I had to ruin the moment in the most mean way possible.

I sighed dreamily and turned away from him dramatically. "I just second-hand kissed Pablo…" I stated, sounding very happy.

"Hey!" Kisame whined.

Just then, a very attractive and busty blonde woman walked past us and into the YMCA. "Sorry I'm late for my shift, Pablo! Thanks for covering for me!" She called to Pablo, waving happily at him.

We all knew what this meant. If she had been on time for her shift, she would have been the one to give Kisame CPR.

"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!" Kisame swore, kicking a trashcan.

-Later, in the Parking Lot-

"So," I whispered to Hidan as we walked towards Tobi's monster truck. "How'd this Pein guy know that I'm wearing Kisame's shirt?" I asked.

"Oh, he's seen Kisame wearing it." Hidan said. He seems to have made a habit of cursing less when he was talking only to me.

"When?" I inquired.

"Last summer." Hidan answered. "We stay with Pein every fucking summer."

"What?" I exclaimed. "How do you know him?"

Tobi leaned over (he had returned from returning Bonbon to Pet Co long ago), "He's like our Dumbledore." He whispered.

"He's gay?!" I asked, shocked.

Hidan snorted in laughter. "No." He clarified. "He's our leader. The creator of the Akatsuki."

My eyes widened and I turned back to Pein, walking ahead of us. This was the leader of the Akatsuki? "Wow." I whispered in awe. "Oh," I added. "Why does Kakuzu keep glaring at you?" I asked. Kakuzu glaring at Hidan was something that happened often and, it seemed, for no particular reason.

"Because he's a fucking bastard, that's why!" Hidan explained angrily, glaring at the back of Kakuzu's head.

Finally, we reached Tobi's truck. But before Pein or I could get in, it had reached maximum occupancy.

"Go back to the school and get your cars. I'll take Sakura and we'll meet you at the house." Pein instructed them.

I twitched, not wanting to be stuck in the same car with Pein, the jerk with about as many personalities as piercings. But what could I say? He was the leader! And I wanted to be in the Akatsuki, didn't I? Fuck. I wasn't just going to abandon my guys and leave just because their leader was a freak. Plus, I didn't want to leave them. Not even a little bit.

"Okay!" Tobi chirped from the driver's seat and Kakuzu closed the door to the truck. They sped away, fishtailing and practically destroying a motorcycle parked in a nearby space. Running over the sidewalk and curb, Tobi flew into the street and drove away at a frightening speed.

"His driving concerns me." I said, my jaw dropping at his horrible display of 'safe driving'.

"Me too." Pein agreed, nodding. "I'll have to give him lessons this summer so he doesn't kill himself in a crash." He began walking in a different direction, which I assumed was his car's general area of parked-ness.

"In that monster truck? I'd be more worried for whatever he hypothetically hits…" I pondered the possible scenes of crashes.

"Still, I worry." Pein admitted.

"You worry?" I asked him skeptically.

Pein glared at me, most likely angered by my assumption that he was an unfeeling bastard and embarrassed that I had caught him worrying. He huffed and turned away. "It's my gang. Of course I worry about them. We're not some syndicate with tone of underlings and willing replacements. It's just us." He explained, his jaw tight.

"I guess…" I said in surprise that he would admit all of this so easily.

"They like you." Pein continued sounding hesitant to bring up the subject.

"I love them." I explained, giggling at his human-ness. I liked this Pein personality and I wanted him to stay like this.

"Really? Because they've committed a lot of crimes and would be in jail if not for Itachi's father." Pein told me as if this would be news to me. "Don't you think they're killers?"

"Lady killers!" I exclaimed. "Have you seen them? Have you talked to them? _Have you made out with them?!_" I asked him, the last one sounding like a threat. "They're so fucking amazing, just being around them hurts my face because they make me smile so much!"

"Well, then." Pein said, sounding surprised. "Here we are. Climb in." He said, motioning to his car.

"YOU DRIVE A MINIVAN?!"

--

_Would have been longer, but I have to go! Love you all! Review please!!_


	24. ZOMFG, BUGLES

_650+ REVIEWS! ZOMFG! So I wrote this chapter… so, yeah… read it… AND THEN REVIEW SO I CAN HIT 700 REVIEWS AND DIE HAPPY!!_

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 24**

**ZOMFG, BUGLES**

"How… badass…" I said as sarcastically as humanly possible or, actually, even more sarcastically than is humanly possible. Imagine how sarcastic a human can be and multiply that level of sarcasm by a billion. That's how sarcastic I was being. And Pein knew it.

His face hardened over again into the face of 'unfeeling-leader-scary-Pein-that-commands-respect', who, by the way, I didn't like. So I swallowed hard and didn't make any more comments about his car (which really should be in the possession of a soccer mom), but instead just opened his trunk and put my shopping bags inside. Pein climbed into the driver's seat and I skipped over to the other side of the vehicle to plop my ass in the passenger seat.

Pein, looking stony and pissy all at once, threw his minivan into reverse and I felt a little sad that I had put him in such a foul mood. I sort of liked the other, happier Pein that is at least capable of smirking. "So… leader, huh?" I hoped this was an acceptable conversation starter. If I got him talking, he might get less stoic…

He turned to me looking utterly apathetic and raised an eyebrow. "So." He said and a smirk flickered across his face. Hah! I'd gotten him! Welcome back nice-Pein! "Kisame, huh?" Or… maybe, welcome back cruel-evil-taunting-Pein-of-all-that-makes-me-feel-miserable-and-stupid. Dammit…

"What about him?" I asked trying to seem nonchalant. I mean, for me it was normal to make out with one of the guys at random times. But to others… it looked like I was a slut…

"He's you're boyfriend?" Pein asked, focusing on the road now.

_**Oh! He only saw us kissing Kisame so he doesn't know that we're a kiss slut.**_

_I am not a kiss slut!_

_**Pfft! Yes, sweetie, you are.**_

…_Shut up!_

"No…" I answered suspiciously. Even if I wasn't a kiss slut, why does he even need to know who I'm dating? If I had a boyfriend… which I don't… which is kind of depressing at my age…

"Really?" He asked curiously and I saw him smirk briefly again. "You guys looked like more than friends back there…"

I huffed. "I blame the Bang-Buddy Agreement." I crossed my arms and pouted, sinking farther into my seat.

"The _what?_" He gaped, jaw dropped.

_Oops… We shouldn't have said that…_

_**But, look! It's funny-human-skater-punk-with-only-half-a-brain-and-overly-immature-Pein again!**_

"The… Bang-Buddy Agreement…" I admitted guiltily.

"The… Bang-Buddy Agreement…" He repeated, tasting the foreign words from the land of absolute insanity and stupid teenage hormones belonging to misguided souls.

"Yea…" I said and the conversation died.

Several minutes passed as we drove through the darkness before Pein spoke again. "So… Did they hire you?" He asked awkwardly.

"What?!" I blanched, shocked. "I'm not a whore!"

"Really?" He sounded unconvinced. "Most girls won't go near them unless paid. A lot of money." He clarified.

"I am not a whore!" I repeated. "I'm just an extremely lucky stalker!"

"Explain…" Pein drawled, trying to seem apathetic, but I knew he wanted to know.

"It's a long story." I told him. I was glad he was being less pissy now but I did not like this thread of conversation and I wanted to let his curiosity burn a little more because I deserved the right to piss him off.

"It's a long drive." He encouraged me, taking a ramp onto the highway.

I sighed deeply. "I'd heard about them, of course, the famous Akatsuki. I'd never known them to socialize even though they are all drop-dead gorgeous and it seemed like I was the only one to believe that and one day I just happened to run into them. We ate lunch together, talked, and separated. I thought it was over but the next day they kidnapped me…" I informed him, smiling at the memory of Kakashi allowing them to drag me out of his class.

"Go on. Details." Pein urged, switching into the inside lane and speeding past all the non-minivans,

"What are you, my confidant?" I asked him, raising my eyebrows at him.

"Yea, sure. So go on." He told me smirking briefly in the flickering lights of headlights approaching us on the other side of the highway.

"Well, there was laundry… and an elevator was sacrificed in the process but soon we were inseparable. I started staying in their dorm but that bastard Orochimaru had to ruin it all and tell the cops so then there was an uplifting scaling of buildings…" I muttered, trying to recall all the long-forgotten details. "So we began war of Orochimaru and for a while it was all good and reveng-y. But then I got drunk and Orochimaru kidnapped me after I nearly mauled Hidan which I can't remember so well but I don't think he was discouraging me much… And then Orochimaru dragged away my unconscious body and I woke up in his office which was way creepy and he tried to do… things… So I stabbed his penis with a giant splinter." I smiled at the end.

Pein was quite for a while. "Wow." He finally said, rubbing his legs together at the thought of being stabbed through the penis. "And when did Kisame kiss Pablo, the school's unsanitary CPR dummy?"

_**Oh yeah, he heard us yelling about that earlier…**_

"Oh, that was when I pulled the fire alarm to initiate a game of tag. He was aiming for me but Itachi put the dummy in the way…" I then burst into giggles at the memory of Kisame turning as green as Zetsu's hair over his skin when he realized he'd kissed Pablo.

"Tag?" Pein asked, smirking as if he was soooo superior in all of his grown-up façade glory. Bitch.

I snorted. "Hells yea, it's only the best fucking game ever, punk." I did that whole head going side-to-side thing and pursed my lips for emphasis.

Pein rolled his eyes at my childish antics. "When did the school blow up?" He inquired, changing the subject away from me calling him a punk.

"Oh, after I stabbed Orochimaru. He'd had it rigged to a timer so I pulled the fire alarm so that everyone would get out in time." I explained.

"And not to play tag?" Pein asked sarcastically.

"No. Not to play tag. It was to save innocent lives this time instead of destroying them." I replied with more snark than I was aware I possessed.

"Tag destroys lives?" Pein's snark rivaled my own.

"Ruined Kisame's, that's for sure." I replied, resisting the urge to giggle once more at the memory.

"You're a psycho, aren't you?" He asked.

"Sent from a far away planet to destroy perverts over the age of fifty." I clarified, nodding my head.

At this time, we had hit a traffic jam on the highway, so Pein pulled off onto a residential street where, at a traffic light, a car pulled up next to ours. It was another minivan and inside was a drunk, single soccer mother, or at least she looked drunk and single and soccer-mother-y. She was on my side and rolled down her window. Pein rolled down my window.

The drunk soccer mom nodded her head and looked sideways at Pein. Pein nodded back and revved his engine. The soccer mom revved her engine right back.

_**Oh my fucking God…**_

"Are we getting into a street race?" I asked fearfully.

Pein licked his lips and did this weird hair flip thing to the single mother in an antagonistic way. The woman pursed her lips and snapped her fingers in the Z formation. Pein glared, clearly upset by her fancy snapping and focused on the still-red traffic light, revving his engine angrily. The woman followed our lead. I gulped.

The light turned green and two minivans were racing down the suburban street side-by-side. As the wind raced into the window and colossally fucked up my already fucked up hair I began to scream in exhilaration. Pein started laughing in an exalted way and over the roar of the wind we heard the woman hooting in her own car.

"C'mon, floor it!" I yelled at Pein.

"Whoo!" He cried, flooring it.

We flew right past the soccer mom and I leaned out my window to look back at her. "Oh! Suck it bitch! Suck my figurative balls! You just got fucking PWND!"

Pein snorted and rolled his eyes. When he snorted it caused a fascinating chain reaction in the black bolts pierced into his nose. "Are you always like this?" he asked, pulling back onto the highway now that we were pas the sight of the traffic jam. He rolled up my window again.

I didn't want to come on to strong but honesty is a good policy so I told the truth. "Yuppers. But this is mostly due to the alcohol and sleepiness." I told him as we merged into the left lane.

"Well, it is starting to get a little late, I guess." Pein admitted.

I glanced at the clock in the dashboard that read '2:32 AM'. "A little?" I raised my un-pierced eyebrows up my giant forehead.

"You can sleep if you want. There's a blanket and a pillow in the glove box." Pein smirked at my petty human weaknesses like my need to sleep while he, leader of the Akatsuki, was some sort of super-being who achieves his powers through black body jewelry and has transcended humanity via cynicism and multiple personalities taking turns delivering sarcasm and large amounts of annoyance to the masses.

I yawned and pulled the glove box open. I pulled the pillow out and it was so fluffy that it expanded with a sigh in the new found open space. I also took the blanket that was fleece, shut the glove box, reclined my seat, and settled down on my side, watching Pein suspiciously. His freaky ringed eyes looked back at me as the headlights cast eerie shadows across his face. "Goodnight, Sakura." He said sarcastically, knowing I was watching him to make sure his next personality wouldn't be a perverted evil one.

For some inexplicable reason, I melted at this soft gaze as the perfect contours of his face were bathed in the light of late-night travelers. He really was perfect looking. I normally wasn't one for piercings on guys beyond ears but on him it just looked like the onyx jewelry belonged there. He drove me nuts but in my sleepy delirium I was allowed to admit that he was the smex. "Tell me a good night story."

"Like what?" Pein questioned, playing along.

"Well, what's your story?" I asked him.

"No way." He smirked. "But I'll lie about my life if that'll put you to sleep."

"Why won't you tell me your real story?" I pried.

"It'll give you nightmares." Pein joked but sounding like he meant it.

I huffed. "Please, I bet your life was really boring. I bet you grew up in a cute little suburb, safe from the world, with two parents who were happy and loved you."

"Well, you got the beginning right. Right up to about when I was eleven." He told me elusively.

"And what happened when you were eleven?" I pressed curiously but keeping my voice light.

"My parents died." Pein swallowed hard and a whole new feeling engulfed the car. He definitely meant for that to be the end of the conversation. The laughter from the street race had survived until now. Now it fled like bunnies from blood hounds, escaping my grasp.

"I'm sorry." I muttered.

"It's fine. You didn't know. It's not like I'm going to be mad or anything. I went through the whole therapy and foster care thing. I'm good now." Pein reassured me but that wasn't right. He shouldn't be comforting me, it should be the other way around.

"I know how you feel." I muttered, snuggling deeper under the cover, rubbing my head into the overly-awesome pillow.

Pein snorted, his face hard again but his tone light. "No, you don't."

"My parents died too." I clarified.

His head swiveled towards me and I could see his surprise. "I'm sorry." He mumbled, he said, driving forward with one hand, the other running through his hair like what I used to do. When I felt awkward I'd tuck my hair behind my ear. I guess this was the boy equivalent. "When?" He asked quietly, unable to tame his curiosity.

"Five months and twenty-three days ago." I answered without hesitation.

Pein looked at me curiously, obviously disturbed that I had it down to the day.

_**Nine hours and 16 minutes…**_

"Did you get help?" He asked quietly, running his hand through his spiky orange hair obsessively now.

It bothered me so I reached out and grabbed his hand. And just to make sure he didn't do it again, I held it close like a teddy bear, bending it at an awkward angle and not caring. "I did." I answered his question. "Your gang is the best therapy I could have ever received." I smiled.

"For me too." Pein allowed, meeting my green eyes with his exceptionally peculiar ones again.

"Where are we going?" I asked sleepily, not wanting to stop looking at him yet. I felt like we were closer now, even if it was for such an unfortunate thing.

Pein smiled a real, real smile for once as he gazed ahead to the over-crowded road that for metaphorical purposes we shall say was wide open. "Home."

-Later that Morning-

"Sakura." A soft voice muttered, sounding even more muffled through my sleepy haze. "Wake up, Sakura. We're here." The voice told me.

I grumbled and snuggled closer to my teddy bear that felt suspiciously like a hand. I remembered vaguely the car ride with Pein last night and then all the details came back with perfect clarity. I was embarrassed about how I'd told him about my parents but I was too tired to really care.

"C'mon, Sakura, get up." Pein told me, sounding gently annoyed.

"You get down." I grumbled in a hard-to-understand way, tugging on his hand.

"'Get down'?" Pein asked, sounding amused by my utter idiocy.

"Yeah, jerk." I mumbled, feeling my eyebrows arc angrily over my still-closed eyes. "Come here." And I tugged on his arm again, harder.

I'd caught him off-balance this time, and the fact that his arm was bent at such an awkward angle made him tumble sideways and onto my seat right next to me. I smiled in victory and wrapped my arms around him and nuzzled my face into his nice-smelling neck.

However, just so he didn't know I was so insanely attracted to him, even though he was a psycho, compulsive lying, jerk face, I mumbled "Teddy," so as to confuse him.

"Hey, I'm not your teddy." He grumbled and shook my shoulder but I gave no response, feigning sleep. He sighed deeply. "I guess a little sleep couldn't hurt," he whispered to himself. First, he turned the car off and rolled down the windows. Then, he yawned, pulled some of my blanket over himself, and readjusted our positions so he was embracing me. He smelled freakishly good and was also freakishly warm so I snuggled more into him and promptly fell asleep and so did he.

I couldn't see, of course, that the reason he was so freakishly warm was because he was blushing furiously as he hugged me.

-About One Hour Later-

Something… was licking my face… And I could tell it wasn't Pein because I'd noticed he has a tongue piercing and this tongue had no piercings… but… it was quite rough and tiny. I grumbled and opened my eyes. Pein was still asleep, his chest in my face. I was momentarily lost in joy.

_**Pull yourself together girl! He may be hot, but he's still a lying jerk-face!**_

I sighed and turned away to see what was licking me. It was Bonbon, Tobi's tiny black kitten from the mall. Then I saw it, the looming shadow of horror. Suction-cupped to the window was Tobi's sad, sad face. Behind him was Zetsu, definitely his eviler half, raging and being held back by the guys.

"I told you to get rid of the kitten, Tobi! It's already tried to eat Gertrude!" Zetsu yelled, fighting against Kisame's hold on him.

Tobi just continued to claw at the window. "Bonbon~" He moaned, having eyes only for the kitten on my shoulder. She must have climbed in through the crack in the window somehow.

Then I finally saw it. On the other side of the minivan, suction-cupped to the driver's side window was Hidan, looking just as devastated as Tobi, crying anime tears. "Sakura~" He moaned. "Why the fuck are you sleeping with Pein~?"

I sighed and unlocked the car and pushed my door open, knocking Tobi over. He lay on the pavement for a minute, frozen, before curling into a ball and falling asleep. He must have been stuck with the driving all night, poor kid. I smiled at his simplicity and tried crawling out of the vehicle but Pein tightened his hold around my waist so I couldn't move any farther.

"Pein?" I whined, poking his face that was snuggled into my stomach now. "Let goooo."

To my surprise, Pein's glorious eyes opened and he smirked an evil smirk at me. He looked completely awake. Then, he closed his eyes again, re-buried his face in my stomach, and made his breathing deep.

_**He was fake-sleeping?!?!**_

_But… why am I not pissed at him?_

_**Because his bed-head is really cute?**_

_Guess so._

_**That, or we're totally crushing on him…**_

_We are not! We hate him, remember?! He's a lying, two-faced, immature freak!_

_**So he's just like us! He's even got the whole no-parents thing like us. We're perfect for each other.**_

… _No, absolutely not._

_**You suck.**_

"Pein…" Kakuzu said, suddenly on the scene, standing in front of the open door. "Release the girl and I'll give you these." He instructed, holding out a bag of Bugles at arms length.

Pein peeked out from my stomach, froze briefly, then clawed his way up my body and out of the car, lunging at the Bugles screaming "ZOH MY FUCKING GOOD, BUGLES!"

I just stared at him in shock.

_**See? He's perfect!**_

_His love of Bugles does not make him perfect._

_**So what would make him perfect, oh-picky-one?**_

"You okay, un?" Deidara asked, sticking his head in the passenger door now that Kakuzu and Pein had cleared out to do all out battle over the Bugles.

_A love of explosions, blue eyes, and gorgeous blonde hair with an awesome personality. That would make him perfect._

I koala-clung to Deidara and when he backed up I wrapped my legs around his waist so he was carrying me. We both laughed. "I'm good!" I cheered. Then I took in our surroundings.

We were on a backstreet in some city and to the left of where our cars were parked was a wooden ramp that led to some sort of landing. Beyond that was the blue sky and lots of flying birds. I swore I was hearing the sound of crashing waves and those birds looked a lot like gulls.

"Where are we?" I asked, knowing this had to be a beach but not daring to believe it.

"Home, un." Deidara answered in a 'duh' voice.

"And where exactly is home?" I asked him suspiciously.

"Above a tattoo and body piercing place on the boardwalk at the beach here, in sunny Southern California, un." Deidara clarified, smiling pretty.

_I think I've died and gone to heaven…_

"Oh, and the place is a little small, so you're going to have to keep rooming with all of us, un. Hope that's okay with you, un." Deidara informed my apprehensively.

_Together… at the beach? _

Images of all the guys in swimsuits, wet, sexy, and buff…

_**I think**___**I**_** just died and went to heaven!**_

Xx

_Please review this chapter!! Oh, and a question to everyone who follows my instructions! Tell me, what's your favorite kiss scene in this story so far? All kisses are acceptable but if you say the OrochimaruSakura one… ew._


	25. It's HUGE!

_Do you know how I update? I go back and read all the reviews for my latest chapter. I don't just like seeing the total number of reviews go up (WE'VE HIT 700, ZOMFG, THIS IS BETTER THAN BUGLES… ALMOST) but I like it when someone leaves an interesting review. A certain reviewer under the name __SeverusHermoine__, for instance, requested some fluff and just for the AWESOMENESS THAT IS SUCH A FF SCREEN NAME, SHE SHALL RECEIVE FLUFF! SeverusxHermoine is my favorite crack pairing of the week thanks to an ABC Family HP weekend, lol._

_And for all of you who prefer SakuraxMulti (__Day of Diana__, I am so in love with your reviews), you have also been listened to._

_Oh, and if you answered my 'What's your fave kiss scene so far?' question, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! Especially __Shining Through__, who scared the crap out of me when she said she liked the OroSaku kiss (don't worry, she was just kidding)._

_And to anyone who has ever reviewed this fic, I THINK I LOVE YOU IN A NON-LESBIAN SEMI-OBSESSIVE WAY! SO PLEASE KEEP REVIEWING!!_

_And in case you were wondering, the boardwalk is based off the one in Ocean City, New Jersey but the beach is based off of Huntington Beach (without that goddamn factory across the street XD)_

_And I'm sorry to extend this author comment anymore, but this has been brought up in several reviews. Yes, my name is Chandler. I'm a GIRL. Thank you and good day._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 25**

**It's HUGE!!**

So, this tattoo/piercing shop was beast. First of all, it was called Rinnegan, which was just the most batshit crazy name, which was perfect for attracting people who wanted to pierce and/or tattoo themselves all over the place. Being on the boardwalk, we had competition with another tattoo and piercing shop down the way but I hadn't seen it yet. Pein was just babbling on about 'that other piercing-tattooing place down the board walk, those bitches, fucking piercing BLAH BLAH BLAH' as we walked up the boardwalk to his piercing and tattooing shop.

And when I say _his_ shop, I mean _his shop_. Owner and manager. Before he'd met Kakuzu, it had just done piercings but now he handled piercings and Kakuzu handled tattooing. It was a good combination of rebellious options teens on vacation could take and the main age group that walked in was 14 to 27. Of course, Pein and Kakuzu we're known not to card anybody who promised not to tell their parents where they got their piercings. However, they never tattooed anyone under 18. Piercings were removable. Tattoos are forever. Much more troublesome.

So once we got to the tattoo shop, I was blown away. The entrance was about twenty Kisame's wide and two Kisame's tall, topped by a sign that read 'Rinnegan' and in smaller font below that: 'Tattoo and Piercing'. Above that there was a large stretch of brick before a porch which is where I assumed the second floor was. Where we would be staying for the summer. The entrance was two large sets of glass doors and on either side of them were display windows that each had one large, intricate tattoo design each. Pein unlocked one of the doors and let us in before closing it again.

There was a ramp that led into the gigantic shop. For about three yards, the ramp sloped up with glass cases displaying different body jewelry (complete with prices) on either side. Then, there were about ten yards of merchandise for the beach and for the shop including T-shirts and bumper stickers and key chains, etc. In the middle of the shop there was a large cash register desk, backed by a bookcase full of binders. Half were labeled 'tattoos' and the other half were labeled 'piercings'. Beyond that there was a maze of booths for customers to get pierced or tattooed in privacy.

"Damn." I whistled low and it echoed off the high ceiling.

The others seemed unfazed. They'd seen it all before. Thus, it was quickly decided that we would hit the beach for awhile before opening shop tonight for the first wave of summer vacationers.

We each selected a booth to get changed in and I chose to change into one of the numerous bikinis I had purchased at the mall earlier that day. It was a string bikini with a black on dark pink print but it wasn't slutty. It covered what needed to be covered very well and I thought it looked very cute. It wasn't like I was thinking about whether or not Pein would think I was hot in it while I was putting it on.

Absolutely not.

I didn't like him.

I put on the suit fully and surveyed myself in the mirror.

I mean, he was okay and all, but it wasn't like I liked him especially because we'd bonded last night or anything.

Was it?

No. absolutely not.

I liked Deidara. Sure, I hit on the other guys sometimes but I solidly liked Deidara. Because, otherwise, I'd be a slut.

_**So you only like Deidara because if you didn't you'd be a slut? Nothing wrong with being a slut. They're all hot.**_

And there was no way in hell I liked Pein. Right?

Of course not! I liked Deidara.

"Hey, are you done?" Pein asked, opening the door. He was in black swim trunks and nothing else. His body was toned and buff and intimidating in a raw, sexy way.

_Deidara who?_

_**What?**_

_Where?_

_**When?**_

_Why?_

_**Sex.**_

_Yes, sex._

_**We should have sex with him.**_

_WHY IS PEIN BEING SHIRTLESS MAKING ME THINK ABOUT SEX?!_

I regained my sanity quickly, shaking myself out of my trance and wiping away the drool Pein had caused me to leak. "Yeah." I answered him, throwing on my new flip flops and walking past him quickly, trying to regain my dignity.

"Hey, you look sexy." Sasori commented as I emerged from the labyrinth into the more open part of the tattoo shop. At least he thought I was sexy. Even if Pein didn't seem to. He hadn't said I looked sexy. Am I not his type? Does he not like my pink hair? I know it's obnoxious but I still had a rocking body right? Wait, no, I don't care if Pein doesn't think I'm sexy. Not at all. Him not saying I was sexy was definitely not the reason I felt like crying right now. Not at all.

_**Denial~.**_

All the guys were there. Shirtless. Buff. And soon they were going to be wet. Sasori was lounging very close by on a table, his legs hanging off the edge.

"I'm going to die." I whispered, my eyes as big as saucers as I soaked up their sexiness. "Your hotness is going to kill me." I admitted the obvious fact.

"Aww, you're so sweet." Sasori laughed, pulling me by my hand and dragging my face into his bare chest. Which was perfect. And smelt like awesome.

"I'd collapse right now but then my face would land in your lap and I don't need to give you a reason." I grumbled.

"Well…" Sasori muttered, chuckling. "Feel free to stay woozy while I discreetly untie your bikini…" He mumbled, his hand dragging up my back to the bow I had tied.

I glared into his chest and pulled his hair, dragging his head to the surface of the table, along with his arms, him going 'ow, ow, ow' the whole time. "I don't think so." I growled, then smiled happily and turned away from him.

The second I looked away, though, he sat up quickly and grabbed my pink locks and yanked me back and twisted so that I landed with my back on the table. He quickly took advantage of the situation and sat on my hips so I couldn't get up. "Hair puller!" I accused, pouting, and grabbing the back of my head where he'd puller my hair.

"Look who's talking!" Sasori scoffed right back.

I pouted even more. "Meanie." I whined and looked away from him.

Sasori sputtered for a few seconds then had the decency to look guilty. "I'm sorry, Sakura. Forgive me?"

And he initiated the puppy eyes. Crap. Big, round Sasori sad eyes… I couldn't be blamed for kissing him. Just a tiny kiss. I had to kiss him. It would be just a small kiss. And then the puppy eyes would go away and he'd be all happy again.

I leaned up slowly, one of my hands brushing against the side of his smooth face and let my lips meet his. His lips moved with mine, oh-so gentle and, after a few seconds, we broke apart. "You're forgiven." I told him in a whisper.

"Win!" Sasori cheered, finally getting off of me.

I stood up. "Damn puppy eyes," I muttered. Just then, Hidan and Kisame both slapped my ass, one cheek for each of them. "HEY!" I yelled, caught completely off guard and my ass cheeks turning almost as red as my face. I was both shocked, flattered, embarrassed, and now my butt kinda hurt.

"Oh, sorry, Sakura." Hidan and Kisame chorused together looking like they weren't sorry at all. Instead, their faces twisted into even more evil-looking faces than they already had as they both continued in perfect unison: "Forgive us? Like you did Sasori?"

_**FORGIVE THEM! FORGIVE!!**_

_No way! They're being manipulative!_

"You're forgiven." I huffed, and with an all-mighty hair flip, I turned my backs on them.

A bad feeling came over me. I heard evil chuckles. All I had for a warning was Itachi laughing his ass off at their thoughts before Hidan had grabbed my ankles, Kisame had hooked his arms under mine, and I was being carried away towards the private booths.

"Aww, don't wanna forgive in public?" Kisame asked.

"That's all fucking right by us. We accept all kinds of forgiveness. Naked forgiveness is sure to satisfy us." Hidan practically sang as they pranced away from the others, too stupefied to stop my kidnapping and soon-to-be rape.

"Nooooooo!" I cried dramatically, hoping someone would help me. "If you take off any more clothing I'm going to pass out!" But we'd already entered the labyrinth. They quickly chose a stall and shoved me inside. "Hidan! Kisame!" I hissed when they put me down. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

"I like it when you curse." Hidan smirked, true to his evil inner self.

"We can't be blamed when you're wearing that." Kisame defended himself, smiling.

"You weren't this uptight in the elevator." Hidan said, grabbing my hip and pulling me towards him.

"That's because I was drunk!" I informed him in furious whisper.

"Not a problem." Kisame said, pressing into me from behind and holding a large bottle of blackberry wine in front of me.

My eyes grew huge. "Blackberry… wine…" I licked my lips. I grabbed at it but Hidan seized the bottle faster and held it out of my reach.

"Not quite. You still haven't forgiven us." He snickered.

"You're evil." I informed him glaring. "I'm not going to be bought for a bottle of blackberry wine."

"Well, then, I guess we'll just have to persuade you." Kisame chuckled darkly, kissing my back. I shivered, his warm lips on my cool skin.

"Listen!" I said desperately, trying to make whatever the hell was happening stop. "I have a plan. How about we prank the others?" I whispered quickly while Kisame nibbled on my earlobe making me shiver against Hidan's body and that made a creepy smile grow on his face.

"Oh? I'm listening? What do you want to do?" He asked, curious.

All I did was smirk a more evil smirk than I had ever smirked before, looked at the ceiling and moaned really loudly, loud enough for all the guys to hear. "Oh, Hidan~! Kisame~! Don't! Oh, mm~!"

Hidan's jaw, literally, dropped. Kisame fell over, he was so surprised. I took the chance to grab the blackberry wine and take a very large swig. "This is what they get for not saving me." I whispered.

Hidan unfroze and smirked evilly, catching on.

Kisame also arose, understanding. "So pink really is your natural hair color!" He declared loudly.

"You're so fucking tight!" Hidan yelled. I punched him lightly in the shoulder, trying very hard not to laugh out loud.

"It's not my fault you're so big!" I yelled out, fake panting. "Oh~! That feels so good, Kisame~!"

We all almost broke down laughing hysterically as we took turns drinking the wine, occasionally crying out and grunting while we heard Tobi frantically searching for us, crying "What are you guys doing?" while it sounded like Sasori was choking on something. Itachi was still laughing insanely in the distance.

"I think it's time, Sakura." Kisame chuckled quietly, nudging me with his elbow.

I nodded, smiling. "Oh, HIDAN! KISAME!" I yelled really loudly. "Think they'll buy it?" I asked Hidan and Kisame quietly.

"Not with your hair looking like fucking that." Hidan informed me. "And your lips aren't swollen. It's not convincing at all."

"What are you, king of faking sexcapades?" I asked him suspiciously.

"You wanna prank someone, do it right." Hidan growled, moving his face closer to mine.

"What are you doing?" I asked him in a whisper. Angry. Eager…

"Making our lips swollen." He whispered back, kissing me as hard as he always did. I parted my lips under his assault, like I always did, and he bit my lower lip harshly.

"Ow!" I tried pulling away, opening my eyes only to see him glaring at me. I sighed and closed my eyes again. He released my lower lip and licked it and I bit his lower lip for revenge. When we parted, I remembered Kisame was in the booth with us.

I turned and saw Kisame was smirking at us, leaning against the wall. He shoved himself off the wall and advanced on me. "You forgot to mess up her hair, Hidan." Kisame chided, pulling me towards him, and kissing me too, his hands fucking up my hair all the while. "There." He said, satisfied, when we parted as he surveyed his handiwork.

"She's not sweaty though." Hidan commented.

"Okay, no, this has gone far enough." I told him, glaring.

"It was your prank." Kisame reminded me. "You have to follow through."

I sighed. "Well, what do you suggest we do?" I hissed.

"Don't worry, nothing bad, we just need to trick your body into sweating." Hidan told me. "So we just need to take off our clothes and touch you." He told me.

The image of Hidan and Kisame naked swam into my brain. I broke out in a cold sweat.

"Good, you're ready!" Hidan smiled at my predictability.

"You tricked me!" I accused.

"Well, if you like, we really could get naked but this is taking too long now so we need to leave." Kisame said, leading me back towards the door.

"Fine. Mission accomplished." I muttered, feeling cheated despite myself.

"Good. Now, walk out swaying like your legs really hurt." Hidan told me, smacking my ass again. I glared at him and opened the door.

We emerged from the labyrinth to see that Sasori had passed out with a bloody nose. Deidara was repeatedly banging his head against a wall. Zetsu was ignoring everything, listening to his iPod. Somebody had hit Tobi over the head and he was unconscious on the floor looking very confused. Pein and Kakuzu were lounging, looking uninterested and it sort of twisted my heart to see that he didn't care about me and Hidan and Kisame having sex, even though we actually didn't.

Itachi was trying not to laugh as he sat on a table and surveyed me. He knew the truth, damn mind reader. I was feeling too rotten about Pein's lack of jealousy to care. Itachi smirked and gestured for me to come over to him. So I did and sat next to him on the table.

"That was a good prank." He complimented.

"Thanks." I said, uninterested, as Hidan and Kisame gave each other high fives. I took another swig of my wine to make my brain forget Pein.

"Look, I normally don't do this, but I'm going to tell you what everyone is thinking right now. Okay?" He told me in a whisper.

I felt like a balloon had expanded in my chest. I nodded eagerly.

"Tobi has no idea what you guys were fake doing, so don't worry about him. He's jsut concerned that Hidan or Kisame might hurt you, which actually made him mad. Sasori is pissed because he thinks Hidan is an insensitive douche bag that will ruin you. Don't get me wrong, they're friends, but he knows Hidan's weaknesses. He began planning Hidan's murder before he thought of you naked and made himself pass out. Zetsu's happy you're so open about sex and thinks he can score with you sometime this summer. He believes that if you two do it, the mystery will be gone and he won't be so attracted to you anymore. He doesn't grasp the concept that he's in love with you." He began but I didn't really care. I wanted him to get what Pein was thinking.

"Hidan thinks that if you and him really do have sex, his confusing feelings for you will go away. He's never had such strong feelings for a girl before, beyond basic physical desire and he doesn't understand it." Well, that was much more interesting information. "Kisame is feeling extremely flattered. He never thought any girl would ever want him and you give him a ton of confidence. He loves you for being so nice to him and he thinks you're way too sexy for him. He just doesn't understand his feelings fully yet because he lacks experience. He really likes you though and would kill anybody who ever hurt you because you're such a fun person." Itachi informed me and the news about Kisame was very enlightening.

"Kakuzu is upset you turned out to be such a slut. He was looking forward to having an intellectual equal in the group. He's also pissed Hidan scored with you before he did though because he hates Hidan and he didn't realize you were such a whore. He hopes you and Hidan will get closer so he can steal you away and crush Hidan." Itachi went on. Wow, a quiet guy like Kakuzu thinks like that? "Deidara is confused. He knows you're not actually like that. And he doesn't realize it, but that feeling in the pit of his stomach is insane jealousy, not indigestion."

My jaw may have dropped. Deidara liked me? I would have been ecstatic about this last week but now…

"Pein," Itachi pressed on, knowing exactly what I wanted to hear. "Knows it was a prank. I told him."

"Why?" I demanded, pissed that Pein wouldn't be jealous of something he knew didn't happen. Now I wouldn't know if he liked me or not!

"Because Kisame and Hidan are my friends." Itachi told me and I sensed something important coming. "And, once those two touched you, I couldn't stand the dramatic turn his thoughts took. Especially since I know your feelings for him."

"What was he thinking when they touched me?!" I demanded, going insane.

"It was disgusting. There was a medley of idle ways to punish Hidan and Kisame for touching you, which were very medieval and other, even more graphic thoughts about how, if given the chance, he'd touch you. But then he got mad at himself for thinking he had any claim to you and tried to distract himself with brainstorming ways to make Hidan and Kisame's lives a living hell but he kept thinking of you and getting mad at himself again." Itachi told me, a grossed out look on his face.

"You mean…?" I asked, not daring to believe it.

"That he is completely in love with you? Yeah, that's what I mean." Itachi told me, smirking.

For that split second, it seemed like the summer was going to be perfect. But, as it turned out, that summer was going to be an absolute disaster.

--

_Happy spring break, everyone! I'm sorry that they didn't hit the beach yet, but this was a very important chapter. Sorry about the quasi-cliffie, but I assure you, everything will go downhill soon._


	26. Confession Caught On Tape

Zuckaiy _informed me that everytime I post a chapter, a puppy gets its wings __so I guess I have to update… YAY PUPPIES! FLY!_

_BTW, I didn't actually realize it was April Fool's Day when I wrote that last chapter which is sort of ironic when she pulled such an epic prank xD so thanks for telling me, lol._

_Through writing this story, I've realized that multi pairing stories are hard as fuck. A lot of the time, a triangle story is easy (he likes her, but she likes that other guy, and that other guy is in love with curry and nothing else) but this huge SakuraxMulti story is sooooo much more complicated. Some people think Sakura is just very sweet and it's cute. Others think she's a slut. And some of you think she's a slut, but you approve. This is sort of the 'Let's get this straight' chapter._

_Warning: This is an extremely big dialog chapter full of insane fluff and lovey-dovey ranting. If such things nauseate you, I have no idea how you made it to chapter 26._

_SUPER WARNING DELUXE: This chapter may make you say "awww" and want to hug a puppy or something else cute. Just don't hug Bonbon, for Bonbon is... you'll see._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 26**

**Confession Caught On Tape**

I was on cloud nine. Let me tell you, out of the nine clouds that are in Southern California (literally, there are only nine clouds in the sky here) this is totally the best cloud to be on. Cloud nine. My cloud. The cloud I go to when I'm abso-fucking-lutely, beyond measure happy. Pein likes me! He likes me! HE FUCKING LOVES ME!

So I was on cloud nine. That is, until Itachi continued which made it seem like clouds one through eight were attacking with fazers set to anti-summer-romance.

"I suggest you stay away from him." Itachi told me. "There are some things about Pein you should probably know…"

"I don't want to know anything bad about him!" I shut Itachi down immediately. "If we're meant to work out, we will. If not, I'll have to kill mys- I mean, get over it."

Itachi just kept staring at me, highly concerned. He was a good friend like that. Thinking back on it, I probably should have listened to Itachi's warning. But all I could think was:

_Pein, Pein, Pein, Pein, Pein!!_

_**Pein, Pein, Pein!**_

_PEIN!_

And then I did mental back flips of _joy!_

"So he loves me?" I asked, happy as a clam. Where did that expression come from? How happy are clams, exactly? I think I'm more like… Tobi with pixi stix happy. Not clam happy.

"Yes, and so does Zetsu." Itachi said slowly like I was a very simple minded child (it surprises me how well he knows me).

"Wait—Zetsu's in love with me too?!?!" I demanded, almost loud enough for the others to hear but not quite. Only Tobi was in hearing range, and he was unconscious.

"I already explained this." Itachi sighed, looking annoyed by my lack of concentration. "But, of course, you weren't really listening, because you were singing Pein's name over and over again in your head to the tune of _White Flag_ by Dido."

I overlooked his mocking of my mind's playlist. "Zetsu's in love with me?" I repeated, dumbfounded.

"Don't worry. It'll fizzle out into more like close friend love eventually. It's hard for Zetsu to trust people so the fact that he trust's _you _caught him off guard." Itachi explained with a wave of his hand.

"Does anybody else love me?" I asked, concerned. Feeling defensive or jealous or horny was a lot different than love and I wanted to know where I stood with all these boys… er, well, actually, if you're defining them based off their bodies, I guess their men but whatever.

"Are you really this stupid? I mean, you're a very bright girl in school, Sakura, but are you actually _this_ dumb when it comes to judging guys?" Itachi asked, looking at me very hard.

"Look, every girl in the world has been trying to guess what a guy is thinking since she was born and because boys don't talk about their feelings honestly, we're never sure if we're right. But you can read fucking minds! I don't want to be some sort of sex object in this group because your A.P. Psychology text book that I stole already told me that the teenage male already thinks about sex every seven seconds and I don't want to be a once every seven seconds kind of girl. I want to be an every single second of every single day on your mind but not in a creepy stalker kind of way girl. So, please, just fucking tell me because it's been driving me insane for six months now!" I ranted, going slightly nuts.

"Tell me something first." Itachi said slyly after a pause.

"You can read minds, what could you possibly want to know that you don't already?" I hissed.

"You're mind is very annoying sometimes, I'll let you know. It's erratic and you seem to do a lot of things on impulse." Itachi stated.

"Like what?" I huffed indignantly.

"Like how you kiss one of us when you feel lonely because you think swapping saliva is going to make you feel whole again. Like how you feel all hollow and caved in when you're alone and automatically try to hug the closest guy. Like how looking at one of us shirtless makes you blush, tuck your hair behind your ear, and feel freakishly inferior and unworthy. And, for some unfathomable reason, every time you see your gym teacher Gai or something reminds you of him, you squeak in fright and grab someone's hand." Itachi ranted. "So what I want to know is do you really love any of us or will any of us do?"

"You can read minds." I told him, not wanting to answer.

"Yeah, so I know about that creepy voice in the back of yours that is _still_ singing Pein's name." Itachi confirmed, referencing Inner Sakura. "But that doesn't mean I can understand them. You're thoughts aren't straightforward. They're all jumbled up. So I want to know and I'm asking you directly. Do you love any of us, or do you just think we're toys and all the same?"

"You must think you're so impressive, picking out all those things about me, knowing all my quirks and flaws." I whispered, tears pricking at my eyes. Itachi seemed to think I was, quite possibly, a collasal bitch playing with their hearts. "You think you're the only one that does that? Watches people? You think I'm just some slut that's using you, thinking that if someone shoves their tongue deep enough down my throat it will clog my feelings but it doesn't really matter who?

"Every third Thursday of the month, Hidan dips his necklace in cleaning solution to make sure it shines. He chooses Thursday because it's his favorite day of the week. There's no chemistry class so he can wear sandals instead of the close-toed shoes required for labs. Also, Thursday and Tuesday are the days the cafeteria serves pasta and he likes the fresh bread. He eats the crust first because he hates it, then he eats the inside because it's the best part. And on Thursday nights, when he thinks no one's paying attention to him, he sneaks out onto the deck to call home and let his mom know what he's been up to that week. She calls him peanut.

"Sasori has a secret obsession with puppets. He pretends he's just doing wood carvings, but he makes them into puppets. He won't admit it, but he loves puppets. When he was little, his father carved him a wooden one after he saw _Pinocchio_ and he's been obsessed with puppets ever since. And that's why he thinks art should last forever, because he wants the love his father put into that puppet to last forever. And it may sound corny to you, but I think that's sweet. And no, Sasori did not confide this in me or anything, but it's easy enough to figure out when he catches your eye as much as he does to me. With his fancy red hair and evil smirk with his creepy bag of mysteries…

"And Kisame's predetermined inferiority complex and complicated self-esteem issues are something I find to be quite cute. You guys may make fat jokes about him sometimes like when he couldn't fit through Orochimaru's window but I doubt he has an ounce of body fat on him. Honestly, he's just a giant. And no one seems to appreciate that about him. I like him for all the reasons he likes himself but for all the reasons he doesn't like himself too. Sure, he has a good sense of humor because he's willing to make fun of himself for a casual laugh and his hair is always cool in the gravity-defying way but I also like that his skin is blue because it's the exact same shade as the sky is when you eat dinner on the porch in the summer right after sunset before it gets dark so he's like a little piece of the heavens on earth. And I love that he's too tall for the dorm's beds because his big hulking body can hide me from police officers and protect me from perverts and he doesn't complain when he has to bend over to kiss me.

"And did you ever realize how Tobi never understands awkward moments because he's too naïve or at least he acts like it? I admit that I'm not a genius on Tobi behavior mostly because his childish attitude is something I am yet unable to fully comprehend but I appreciate it all the same. His attitude reminds me that I _am_ only fifteen years old and hardly even that. I shouldn't have to feel this way yet, I should still think boys are icky, and Tobi reminds me that I have my whole life ahead of me to figure all these confusing and occasionally dirty feelings out so I feel like less of a fifteen year old whore with a cliché heart of gold. I don't want to be a cliché because I don't want to be a whore. Not now, not ever. I'm just a confused girl and, really, this shouldn't be my fault because it's you guys that are screwing over my mind because I have hormones and you have well toned biceps.

"Plus, I would like you to know that I am _not_ uncaring about Zetsu's feelings. So, I'm a little bit of an airhead today but I was, you know, almost raped yesterday. And another two sex gods did just walk into my life. But I really, genuinely like Zetsu. I mean, just look at Gertrude! She is a pristine plant in a pot that reads 'Save a Plant, Eat a Vegetarian'. This means two things. One, Zetsu knows how to take care of something he likes. Also, it means that he's awesome and knows who he is. His quiet personality is intimidating and his bicolor skin is weird but he rocks it. When he's in his typical personality he is sweet and sensitive and always reminds me to wipe my mouth after meals and brush my teeth. And when he's in his other personality he is, let's admit it, a tad bit psycho, but he's assertive which is okay because normally he isn't which means he probably gets cheated a lot.

"Also, I want to set the record straight here. Yes, I did say I liked Deidara first. I don't know why. I don't have a laundry list of reasons to like him like I do for the others. It's completely irrational. He blows stuff up, which is dangerous, but I think that's cool. His hair is long like a girls and it will confuse me if I ever run my hands through it if we _ever_ have the chance to make out. He thinks nail-biting is deplorable which reinforces everyone's conviction that he is gay but he's not because there are _Playboy_s under his mattress and he hasn't set off my gay-dar. His eyes are an endless blue color that reminds me of Naruto which makes me want to vomit because I can't stand to think of Naruto like I think of Deidara. So why do I think of Deidara like that when it's highly confusing and often nauseating? I don't know. There's no rational reason. I don't get it. And it pisses me off because now I really like Pein but I keep wondering about how Deidara is. Maybe it's because he's so good at pulling pranks and has corrupted me. For a while there, I thought of Deidara as my very best friend here. Still do, actually, but I can't like him and someone else at once.

"Like you, for instance. The last thing I'm going to do is sit here and coddle your male ego. Mostly because you'd know immediately if I was lying due to mind-reading powers but also because lying to people's faces makes me feel ill. When you read my mind, it makes me feel violated in a very icky way. Boys may think with their penises or whatever, but I think with my mind and my mind alone so when you invade it, it's very personal. The first few times it was cute but there are so many things going on in my head sometimes that the last thing I want to do is share them. There are plenty of good things about you, of course. Like how you're jokingly mean to Sasuke and you're really just messing with him because his endless vendetta against you is entertaining. Also, you're sometimes very fatherly towards all of us, which is good since we're a bunch of misfits but I worry who's watching your back if you're busy watching all of ours. Whenever somebody sneezes, whether you know them or not, you say 'bless you' without fail. But I shouldn't like you. I should like Deidara. Because I said I did and liking more than one person at once makes me a slut, right?

"And then this Pein guy walks into the picture. I hate clichés. I hate chick flicks. I think love at first sight is complete and utter bull. That's not what happened. But Pein is like a puzzle. And onion puzzle. Millions of layers _and _millions of pieces. I need to know who he really is. I don't know why, but I do. He's got no parents, like me, and he knows all of you better than I ever will. Already I idolize him. I swear, it's like a fan girl crush I have for him or something. He's like a rock star. He made the Akatsuki. He brought all these awesome people together. And he gets me. Maybe it's irresponsible of me to like someone this much after only knowing them for maybe, what, twelve hours? But I can't help it.

"You were wondering if any one of you would do for me. You wanted to know if I thought of you guys as just toys. You thought, perhaps, that I was a manipulative slut. I don't know what I am. Maybe I'm manipulative. Maybe I'm a colossal slut. I don't care. I love you and Deidara and Pein and Tobi and Zetsu and Kisame and Hidan and Sasori in a way that makes my toes curl and my palms sweat and my heart ache until I feel like only a large serving of mac and cheese and a strong pair of well-toned arms can keep me together. Not girly little puppy love where when you walk by I hide behind the swing set. I honestly love all of you. Sometimes I use you guys for a quick make out session for the wrong reasons. I use you sometimes to make myself feel better.

"But only you guys. I don't trust anybody else. And I wouldn't be able to do things like that with anybody I didn't love. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if my love will fizzle out into sibling love or good-friends love like you said Zetsu's would. I don't know. Honestly, the uncertainty scares me sometimes. Who are we going to grow up to be? Hopefully, we'll be as awesome as we are now because I'm genuinely happy like this, even if I am greatly confused most of the time. Not anyone would do. You're not toys. Maybe loving all of you at once does make me a complete and total slut but I don't even care anymore because getting that off my chest felt _great_. I love you. So there." And with that, my entirely too long rant was done.

"Sakura." Itachi whispered, utterly shocked which I'd never seen him do before. And, while I was off guard, he embraced me. Itachi hugged me! But, cradled in his chest, all I could do was smile, close my eyes, and enjoy the closeness. Finally we separated. Itachi looked like he was pondering. "That would explain your lack of surprise when I told you what everyone was thinking." He stated more to himself.

"What do you mean?" I questioned.

"Well, when you notice this much about all of us, I guess you already knew who liked you." He said. "So my words lost their shock value."

"Well, I guess I just already had assumed you would all feel defensive of me in some way or another, since we're already friends. I thought that was a granted." I clarified. Why wouldn't they feel defensive? They nearly ripped Orochimaru's balls off for what he did to me (in the end they had to be stabbed off) so why wouldn't they be possessive?

"You see right through our tough guy act don't you?" Itachi asked in wonderment.

"I think I stopped believing in that act somewhere between realizing Hidan's mom still writes his name on his underwear and Kisame kissing Pablo the CPR dummy." I informed him, trying to be gentle and not completely trample his male ego that had told him he was intimidating. "I'm not like the other kids in our school, I always thought you guys were cool, not terrifying. Sorry." I apologized half-heartedly.

Itachi looked like he was about to say "Don't be" or something like that but he was cut off.

"Meow." Bonbon meowed.

We turned slowly to look at the black, furry kitten. She was sitting on a nearby shelf and looking entirely too innocent considering she was an evil, demon kitty. Why? Well, next to her was Tobi's camera, red light blinking, filming me an Itachi's entirely personal conversation. "Oh, shit." I whispered, eyes wide.

"MEOW!" Bonbon meowed very loudly so that Kisame, still talking to Hidan, heard her. He looked over and I could only watch in horror as he walked over, curious, and picked up the camera.

"What cha got there, Bonbon, Tobi's camera?" Kisame asked, absently petting the offending feline.

Bonbon, for her part, looked positively evil and victorious all at once, leaning into Kisame's hand as he played back the film Bonbon had taken. How did a kitten take the film? I don't know but I'm slightly terrified of this cat now.

Then, to make matters worse, Hidan came over, curious as to why Kisame abandoned him in the middle of their conversation, and watched the playback with Kisame silently. For several minutes they watched in silence and when it was all over and it felt like no more blood could possibly rush to my face, they woke up Tobi and Sasori, got Pein and Deidara and Kakuzu and Zetsu, explained that they hadn't really had sex with me, that it was all a prank, and then showed them the video.

"Meow." Bonbon purred from Kisame's shoulder, looking entirely pleased with herself while I was frozen to my seat in shock.

Just you wait Bonbon, you better watch your back, 'cause I'm coming for you. I swear, even if it's the last thing I do, I will get revenge on that cat.

--

_Sorry to end it here when not a huge amount of stuff happened in this chapter, but this chapter needed to happen. Bonbon's evil. Everyone now knows Sakura's feelings. And, next chapter, they open shop for the first night of summer vacation! Oh, and a new character is coming up this summer. Cookies to who can guess who it is!_

_**Now, I know I've gotten to more than 750 reviews. THANKS TO ALL MY LOVELY REVIEWERS WHOM I LURVES! But, I've gotten to the point where people get to the end of a chapter and think 'she's got enough reviewers, so I'm not going to review'. I'm guilty of the same thing. So I'm offering you a deal.**_

_**The next chapter is written down but I need to type it up (which is always a drag). However, if I hit 50 reviews for this chapter (as it stands, 216 people have this on alerts so I'm not asking much) I promise you, I will update within 24 hours of the 50**__**th**__** review being posted, no matter what day of the week it is.**_

_HAPPY EASTER!_

_REVIEW! (please?)_


	27. Rapeable

_So, I just responded to all of you who reviewed the last chapter unless you submitted an anonymous review or have disabled private messaging (in which case I am sorry) And yes, you can get together and compare responses if you want. Everyone's review reply was DIFFERENT. Also, the longer review you left, the longer a response you got._

_Mainly, that was my way of saying THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING BECAUSE WE'VE HIT 800!!! I died but then I was forced to live again so that puppies could get their wings instead of me. Also, these winged puppies are apparently giving out waffles now, according to __Poisoned Blossom.__ And, also, I'm a total review whore but I actually love all of you who review (in a safe, non-lesbian way). _

_So fly, puppies, fly, and deliver waffles to my reviewers!! In the mean time, I'll anxiously await the new season of __Glee__!!_

_Also, it's been awhile, so I'm going to throw one of these in for once:_

_Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto my life would be complete. However, it's empty. Why? Because my ultimate dream of owning Naruto and making the Akatsuki the main characters goes unrealized. You know what could fill the void? This story hitting 1000 reviews! Imagine it! SO REVIEW! //breathes fire cause that was actually a threat// Also, I don't own the Breakfast Song that is used later in this chapter. Sorry, I just stole it._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 27**

**Rapeable**

The whole shop was dead silent except the sound of my recorded voice (which sounds nothing like me, I swear). Finally it ended after I took several swigs from the bottle of blackberry wine and told myself that this was all a drunken nightmare. Kakuzu was the first to speak and he was sarcastic.

"I'm unloved. I didn't even get a paragraph of dialog?"

"You do realize that this is the first time we've actually spoken to each other, right?" I raised my eyebrows at him.

"Good point." He admitted, shrugging.

"You know, if we keep talking, I can avoid the awkward conversation sure to follow everybody in this room hearing my well-worded confession." I proposed nonchalantly.

"Actually, your confession was riddled with grammatical errors." Kakuzu informed seriously. "And, besides, where would the fun be in that? I'm looking forward to witnessing this conversation." And with that he turned to Hidan. "Don't worry, Hidan, I still hate you deeply."

"Thanks…?" Hidan responded, sounding unsure, but a lot less embarrassed than I thought he would be. His cheeks were pink and he was avoiding eye contact with me but he sounded okay…

An awkward silence descended upon us. Luckily for us, we possessed the master of awkward silence breakers. Tobi!!

"Why's it so quiet?" He whispered loudly to me.

"It's because I love you." I whispered back, just as loud.

"Are we supposed to be surprised?" He asked.

"Yes. Hence the silence and whispering." I told him.

"Well, if it makes a difference, I love you, too, Sakura." Tobi whispered back, smiling.

"Thanks, Tobi," I whispered, giggling despite the situation.

"Hey, hey, Kisame?" Tobi whispered, pawing at Kisame's arm.

"Yeah?" Kisame stage-whispered back, looking at Tobi.

"Don't you love Sakura too?" Tobi asked.

I smacked my forehead. Really?! Tobi is as bad a Bonbon! How could he just ask something like that?!

"Duh." Kisame said at full volume.

"Huh?" I piped up, looking at my blue boy that had an evil ball of fluff on his shoulder. Maybe Bonbon wasn't so bad if this is what comes of her filming my confession. Reciprocated feelings? Cloud nine has returned!

"Isn't it like a rule?" Kisame asked, looking surprised by the shocked looks we were all sending him. "Didn't we all admit to loving her when we made The Bang Buddy Agreement?"

"Shut up!" Hidan hissed, smacking Kisame.

"Raise your hand if you love Sakura!" Tobi declared, thrusting his hand in the air.

Kisame raised his hand. Then Hidan did. Then Deidara and Pein. Then Zetsu and Sasori. Then Itachi. I looked at him, surprised. He smirked. "Dumbledore useless Hufflepuff." He said.

_**He said 'DUH' again!!**_

"Meow!" Bonbon agreed, raising a paw from her perch on Kisame's _**bare, muscular, and sexy**_ shoulder.

_Maybe Bonbon's not so bad... I'm feeling the love right now._

"Sorry to break up the love fest," Kakuzu interrupted. "But we've just pranked and confessed the day away. It's time to open shop."

"No beach?" I asked him, pouting.

"No beach. Now, get some clothes on, your working cash register with Hidan." Kakuzu explained.

I pouted some more but followed orders. We all shuffled into the booths again and I threw on some short shorts and a tank over my suit and met the boys back out in the main part of the shop.

"Okay!" Pein declared, now wearing a shirt boasting the shop's name. "We're about to open. You know the drill. Sasori, Deidara, you're doing the henna tattoos. Hidan and Sakura are working with the money. Kakuzu, you're on real tattoos. I'm doing piercings. Zetsu, you can just watch over Gertrude. Itachi, you're on sign twirling. Tobi, get in your pirate costume and stand outside the shop to attract tourists."

_A/N: Not everywhere does this, but 'sign twirling' is pretty popular in CA. You stand on a street corner with a giant arrow sign that has an advertisement on it and you dance around and twirl it around as a form of promotion._

"And Kisame…" Pein said, suddenly turning into the evil-guy-that-tried-to-mug-me-in-a-public-bathroom and looking at Kisame like he really was a giant fish. Bonbon was making the same mistake, trying to devour Kisame's ear.

"Yeah?" Kisame asked, laughing while Bonbon attacked his ear with furry determination.

"You know what to do." Pein stated ambiguously.

Kisame sighed and looked down trodden. "I'll go get my fin…" He sulked, disappearing again into the labyrinth of booths and emerging with a fin strapped to his back.

"What's going on?" I asked, feeling very much like I was missing out on an epic inside joke.

"To get the tourists off the beach and on to the boardwalk and, thus, into the shop, Kisame needs to create a shark alert." Sasori explained, smiling from ear to ear at the sight of Kisame wearing his fin.

"I hate you guys." Kisame muttered, skulking out of the shop and towards the beach. Several minutes later, the screaming began and people came rushing in.

Working at the shop was fun. Zetsu, instead of just looking after Gertrude, often convinced people to buy T-shirts and things without really trying. Something about his monotone just made girls buy anything he told them to. It was impressive. Tons of people would come inside at Tobi's urging after getting a picture with the chipper pirate and most left with lighter wallets.

The boys, in general, dragged in a huge female population and, after seeing Pein, they all suddenly wanted piercings. Tons of the people under 18 came in for henna tattoos and the girls blushed every time Sasori or Deidara touched them. Any girl goth that dared enter drooled on sight of Kakuzu and so did some boys….

At one point, I had to go outside to let Tobi know he could take his break, and I saw Kisame still in the water having _way_ too much fun scaring the crap out of the gulls in the water. He would shoot out of the water, hands in the air, fingers bent like claws, snarling dramatically. I almost collapsed in hysterics.

Several times I had to calmly explain/lie to paying customers that, no, I was definitely not drinking blackberry wine, but this was just soda. I think they bought it.

After we closed, we all went upstairs for the first time. The second floor was a lot like a one story house. There was a huge bedroom with enough beds for all of us minus one. Kisame's bed was to be mine since he was too tall for it now and he would sleep on the floor. There was a small kitchen, a decently sized bathroom, a tiny corner that I guess a family of umpa lumpas could call a dining room and then there was a large living room that held the entrance to the balcony.

After all of us had microwaved and devoured our TV dinners, I was ready to collapse. Working had been fun but my legs hurt and I just wanted to close my eyes and dream. Most agreed, especially since they'd had to drive through the night. We went into the bedroom and I crawled into the bed deemed mine.

It felt weird… I realized this was the first time in a long time that I'd slept alone. I couldn't ask one of them to climb in with me, could I? No, because now we all loved each other and everything. If I asked one, I was ostracizing the others…

Dilemma dilemma…

"Meow," Bonbon purred quietly and hopped onto my bed. She turned her tiny, black, kitten body around several times before laying down, purring/snoring softly, filling the spot I felt was empty.

"It's way too hard to hate you." I whispered, pet her sleek coat once, snuggled into my covers, and fell asleep.

-cute kitty-

The next day, I woke up early. One thing I have learned in my life is you do not _ever_ wake sleeping teenage boys. It's a simple law, really. So, I quietly slipped out of the bedroom to the kitchen and scribbled a note saying I'd just gone to run to the convenience store. I left quietly and walked the block to the convenience store/small grocery store and bought a few tubes of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls.

I returned to the shop and made them as quietly as possible since no one had awoken in my absence. As the smell of baking cinnamon rolls wafted through the second floor, I heard groans from the bedroom as the boys stirred. Itachi was the first one out, always the light sleeper. Because it was summer, he slept only in a pair of baggy shorts.

_**Why, hello, sexy, shirtless, rapeable teenage boy.**_

_A/N: 'rapeable' is a fake word meaning that somebody or something is definitely worth raping if consensual sex cannot be arranged._

"'Morning," Itachi replied groggily to my inner mind thoughts. I shivered at his ability to hear my Inner Sakura rant like the complete freak she is. "Making breakfast?"

"I thought we could all use something that doesn't have freezer burn." I responded.

"Pillsbury is definitely an improvement." Itachi agreed.

Once the clock had ticked down low enough, I hopped off my sitting place on the counter opposite the stove to turn off the kitchen timer before it beeped loudly and woke everyone up. With the aid of my handy-dandy oven mitt, I pulled out the trays of fresh baked cinnamon rolls and set them on the stove before working them off with a spatula onto a large plate.

"Do I smell real food?" Pein asked quizzically as he walked into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes.

"No, this is all a crazy dream." I told him cheekily as I walked into the living room to place the large plate of cinnamon rolls on the coffee table. With so many of us, the living room was a much better dining room than the actual dining room was.

"My dreams aren't normally this tasty looking." Kakuzu replied, stepping out of the bedroom but his hungry eyes were on me, not on breakfast.

I smiled at him. "Good morning, Hidan." I greeted kindly.

Kakuzu immediately whipped around to hurt the Hidan I was looking at but I'd been lying and instead, it was Zetsu behind him, who easily ducked Kakuzu's attack and walked right on into the living room and sat on a couch.

"No fighting this early in the morning, un." Deidara chastised lightly, shuffling out of the bedroom, looking still half-asleep. "You're cooking for us now, un?" he asked me as he gave me my good-morning hug.

I giggled lightly. "Don't sound so disappointed."

"I'm not disappointed, I'm just tired, un." He explained, releasing me, and sitting down on the largest couch in front of the coffee table, respectfully not touching the food until the others arrived, just like the rest of them.

Kakuzu had also ventured out of the bedroom's entrance to sit as well. Which was good because not half a second later, Kisame came clawing out of the room like a wild animal. "Do I smell food?! Real food?!" He demanded, leaping like the shark he had imitated yesterday into the living room. Bonbon followed right behind him, leaping after him in imitation and it was just too damn cute. Pein calmly stuck out his foot to trip Kisame, who was tripped and went flying into the opposite wall. Bonbon froze for a moment, confused, before she jumped on Pein's bare foot and then did half-assed kitty somersaults until she was against the same wall as Kisame next to him.

"Not until the others have woken up." Pein explained stoically.

"Awww…" Kisame moaned and pouted all at once.

Bonbon purred and licked his cheek.

Sasori emerged next and, instead of saying anything, he decided to collapse onto the couch after giving me a good-morning ass smack. I glared at him while Deidara smacked him upside the head.

"_My breakfast is calling this morning, my bacon is crisp in the pan, my pancakes are doing a flip-flop, I'm running as fast as I can_." Tobi sang, skipping out of the room.

"Not until Hidan's up, Tobi." Kakuzu grumbled.

Tobi suddenly looked very serious. "I'll take care of it." He said in an uncharacteristically deep and mysterious voice and he walked back into the bedroom calmly. We soon heard him singing chipperly again. _"Get up! Get up! Oh, roll yourself out of the bed, the bed! Get up! Get up! Oh, don't be an old sleepy head!_" He cheered as he, no doubt, pounced onto Hidan's sleeping form.

"What the fuck?!" Hidan roared.

Several bangs and curse words later, Tobi ran from the room giggling while Hidan chased him like an enraged beast. He froze at the sight of breakfast, though. "Food…" He said like a zombie.

It was on this morning that I learned just how messy boys can be.

After they had eaten/attacked the cinnamon rolls, we decided to hit the beach. Oh, I was so ready for the beach. We left the shop, an army of teenagers ready for the sun, and Kisame was fin-less so it was all good. We set up a towel city amongst the hordes of tourists and assorted other beach-goers.

Beach with the Akatsuki is odd.

I watched in wonderment as Zetsu applied a generous amount of extra strength tanning lotion to his black half and then an insane amount of SPF 100 sunscreen to his white half. Once again, I wondered how far that tan line lasted. What exactly did he look like under his swim trunks?!

Tobi set to work building a sand castle immediately and within an hour he had made a palace fit for Bonbon who promptly made it her kingdom by taking a dump on it. Kisame commended her by giving her some kitty treats Tobi had purchased when he got her. Kisame then went closer to the water and spotted the lifeguard. A rather odd looking tan buff guy with blonde hair and an impressive chin proudly stood in his red speedo with his shiny nametag the read 'Pablo'. Kisame ran away quickly, knowing better than to tempt the fates. I wonder how many people are actually named Pablo… and how many of them are going to meet with Kisame's lips?

Sasori was backing away slowly from a hoard of girls trying to rape him. Itachi was faking conversations on his cell phone whenever girls came close so they wouldn't want to disturb him. Deidara had first fought off the girls and several men who'd approached him with a stick and cries of "back heathens, un! Back, I say, un!" but he's since given up and was now running for his life down the beach.

Hidan, after bathing himself in large amounts of sunscreen to prevent tanning of any kind, was wondering around the beach trying to spread the word of Jashin. Kakuzu chilled on the beach in just his black swim trunks and sunglasses, calculating this summer's projected earnings for the shop. Several tittering girls formed a sort of club about three yards from our towel city and whispered amongst themselves, taking turns looking at Kakuzu through binoculars.

Pein seemed to have the most effortless way of repelling the girls, though. He had commanded me to sit on his knees while he enveloped himself in a book. Whenever girls came near and tried to talk to him, he'd calmly set his book down, grab me by my shoulders from behind, and shake me at them like I was girl-repellant or something. It deeply disturbing and highly effective…

After Tobi had made his sand castle, he retired to the tide pools where he became every 3 to 8-year-olds' best friend. Bonbon remained with Kisame who refused to go in the water after seeing Pablo. Now, he just tanned, stretched out on a towel while children, who'd seen _Jaws_ for the first time on TV the night before pointed at him and began crying.

And so the days went. We'd wake up, I'd make breakfast (thank you Itachi's daddy's credit card for paying for ingredients), we'd hit the beach, and then we'd spend the afternoon's and evening's working our butts off at the shop. There wasn't any real time for romance but I did enjoy sitting on Pein's knees. Then on his thighs. Soon, I'd be on his lap and then, finally, we'd kiss.

This was my plan.

But I already told you. This summer was going to be a disaster. And here's why:

About a week and a half after we had arrived in Southern California, I was selling a few girls on a _Rinnegan_ sweat shirt when Deidara approached me.

"Hey," I smiled at him while the girls counted their money.

"Hey, un." He greeted, smiling back. "We're running low on vitamin E for the henna tattoos, un. Could you run to the other tattoo and piercings shop and buy some of theirs, un." He asked.

"I thought we hated the other store." I stated, confused.

"We do, but we need vitamin E and no one else sells it, un. We need a case but don't let them charge you too much, un." He instructed.

"Okay…" I said, still confused.

"Thanks, un. Also, don't spend too much time in there, un. The people who own that shop… they're weird, un." He warned cryptically, looking purposefully concerned in a fake haha-no-they're-really-pansies way.

I giggled and headed out, giving Tobi a hug on my way out.

I was walking down the boardwalk, scanning the shop names for a tattoo and piercings place when, about three blocks away, I saw it. '_The Desert Coffin: Tattoos and Piercings'_ the sign read.

I shrugged, not fazed by such an odd name after 'Rinnegan'. As I was about to cross through the huge boardwalk crowd to get in the store I spotted a tall red head.

"Sasori!" I cheered, leaping for the glomp.

At the same time, I heard another, very familiar, voice yell: "Gaara!" and a ball of blonde and orange also launched himself at the redhead from the other side of the Sasori imposter who was apparently named Gaara. Wait… Gaara… where have I heard that name before?

Gaara, the red head, ducked quickly and on his other side was Naruto, also mid-glomp and we were on a collision course.

"Naruto?!" I screamed in surprise, unable to get out of his way because we were both in midair.

"Sakura?!" He demanded at the same time.

Our heads crashed into each other and we fell to the boardwalk floor.

"Sakura? Why'd you just attack my brother?" A voice from above asked.

We looked up to see a very surprised Temari standing with her possibly-psycho-but-still-undetermined misfit of a brother, Gaara, and also her helpful brother that had once lent me a ladder when I was scaling a building, Kankuro.

_Naruto's here? How can this get any worse?_

"Hey," A voice from our other side snapped at me. I looked over to see Sasuke, looking holier-than-thou. "Can you give me back my cell phone now?"

_Well then._

--

_A/N: Okay, I updated! Within 24 hours of my 50__th__ review! Thank you, everybody who reviewed! I really appreciated it!_

_So, we didn't only get ONE new character, we got a few. Gaara's arrived and Temari, Kankuro, Naruto, and Sasuke have returned to the story. Summer's going to be fun… to write, at least!_

_Anybody else totally in love with how cute Bonbon was in this chapter?_

_Oh, and guess what! Today, me and my friend, Roro, we're on my fanfiction account in the library talking about this story while a girl on the computer next to us read fanfiction. After I left she came out behind me, tapped me on my shoulder, and asked if I was really Bittersweetcrimson._

_I had a near heart attack of joy! Haha, small world, right? XD_

_As always, review! And I loves you!!!_


	28. Destination: Pein’s Lap

_I genuinely don't want __Fortress of Oblivion __to explode, so I guess I have to update. Should study, but I don't want to! :D_

_Also, in light of recent reviews, the flying puppies have retired the waffles and switched to French toast at the request of _Zuckaiy _who started the whole puppies flying thing in the first place._

_****SPOILERS FOR **__**GLEE**__** AHEAD** **__Yes, I am happy Will and Emma are finally hooking up. I think she is sooo adorable with her big eyes and incessant cleaning needs._

_****SPOILERS FOR **__**NARUTO**__** AHEAD** **_ _I hate you Kabuto, but if you're bringing Deidara, Sasori, Itachi and Kakuzu back to life… I'm okay with you. //Doesn't care about Nagato at ALL//_

_**Warning:**__ Major Sasuke bashing. If you like him, I'm so sorry._

_Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto BLAH BLAH BLAH AUTHOR-TASTIC DREAM BLAH BLAH! PUPPIES FLY! BLAH BLAH BLAH! I WANT 1000 REVIEWS!! BLAH BLAH BLAH! BUT SADLY I DON'T OWN NARUTO! BLAH BLAH BLAH //cries//_

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 28**

**Destination: Pein's Lap**

It is very hard to piss of Sasuke Uchiha. It's actually annoying to try annoying him. But, I'll have you know, I hate his guts so much for being such an unfeeling bastard that crushed my loving heart at age eleven, that I have persevered and found a way to piss the dick-face off.

Insults will not work. He doesn't care what anybody thinks about him unless he's related to them. And mentioning Itachi's superiority in ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING to him doesn't piss him off enough to satisfy me. Which leaves my plan. This is how I pissed off Sasuke Uchiha (you might want to take notes, this may come in handy in your life):

I stood up calmly and brushed off my clothes while Sasuke held out his hand for the cell phone (which Itachi had given me at the mall when we got separated) impatiently like the insane prick that he is. Lucky for me, we were on the far right hand side of boardwalk, right next to the railing and we were about fifteen feet above the sand. Ten yards to our left was where all the shops were and Sasuke was standing right in front of the railing.

"AHHHHH!!" I screamed, pointing at Sasuke dramatically.

He looked confused and slightly annoyed. Yet, not annoyed enough.

"AHHHHHHH! OH GOD NO!" I kept screaming.

He glared at me. Good, his guard was dropped now.

"OH NO! DON'T! AHHH- _BOOT TO THE FACE!" _I yelled as loudly as possible and kicked him in the face so he flew over the railing and fell all fifteen feet to the sand where he lay motionless. I turned, smiling, to a stunned Naruto and Temari. And an apathetic Gaara. And a smiling Kankuro. "Hi! How much for a case of Vitamin E?"

"Eighty-five dollars." Gaara stated immediately, holding out his hand.

"Do you take credit?" I asked, smiling still.

"Right this way," Kankuro ushered me across the boardwalk and into the tattoo and piercing place. I noted with smug satisfaction that it was small and didn't sell any exceptional merchandise like Pein's did.

Gaara followed us while Temari and Naruto remained frozen on the boardwalk while Sasuke remained broken on the sands below. Damn, this is a good feeling. Kankuro vanished into the back of the store to retrieve a case of Vitamin E.

"So… you used to be in my history class before you were expelled, right?" I asked Gaara, his anti-social personality making me feel the need to create small talk.

Gaara nodded. You know what's weird? When narrating Gaara's actions I always have to refer to Gaara as 'Gaara' instead of 'he' because that's just the kind of impression Gaara gives a person.

Gaara's attitude was starting to piss me off.

"Why are you so anti-social?" I asked rater bluntly. I felt tackling teen angst problems like these was best done head on. Has anyone ever tried asking someone a question head on? I do it often. I once asked my bus driver in elementary school if being a bus driver was what he always wanted to do or if he was just too much of an idiotic failure to do something real with his life. He told me he liked watching little kids, so being a bus driver was his dream job. He then handed me a suspicious brownie.

Gaara glared at me. Gaara's creepy green eyes met my rather shiny and happy ones. I smiled even wider. Did I mention he has no eyebrows but some Chinese character tattoo above one eye?

"Do you realize you look like a panda?" I asked Gaara.

"I don't look like a panda." Gaara told me, self-assured.

"Yes you do." I informed Gaara. "You got the whole guy-liner thing goin' and everything."

"These are dark circles." Gaara's monotone voice of absolute boredom informed me. Gaara is so lucky he's attractive or I would have stabbed Gaara for this painfully awkward conversation already.

Only one thing to do in painfully awkward conversations. "Do you want to have sex with me?" I asked Gaara with the most straightforward voice I could manage. Gaara sputtered, completely taken off guard. He finally looked so human that I could refer to him as a 'him'! Yes! Success! "HAH!" I cheered, pointing at his face. "You ARE human!"

"Of course I'm human!" Gaara protested.

"Well, I mean the whole, feeling kind of human." I explained, smiling in my victory.

"Well, here's the case of Vitamin E!" Kankuro announced, coming in from the back room carrying a huge cardboard box the clinked when it moved because it was filled with glass bottles of Vitamin E. He dropped the heavy box on the counter.

"Oh, thanks!" I said cheerily, handing him the credit card.

"Fugaku Uchiha?" Kankuro raised an eyebrow.

I glared. "Do you want eighty-five dollars or not?"

He rung it up but after handing me back the card and my copy of the receipt he had one thing to ask: "Why do you need all this Vitamin E anyway?"

"Oh," I said, not even thinking. "I work at the other tattoo and piercing shop, _Rinnegan_."

The atmosphere changed in an instant. I hadn't realized the depth of competition between rival boardwalk shops. Kankuro immediately went from friendly to pissed. Gaara went from apathetic to apathetic. Kankuro, in a flash, pulled out his soda from under the counter and poured it on my shirt very purposefully.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Kankuro smiled while also twitching. "Here," He said, reaching under the counted to pull out an employee shirt that read _The Desert Coffin_. "You can wear this instead on your way back."

_**Oh so that's how it's going to be.**_

"I'm fine in just my bikini, thanks." I replied, pulling off my now sticky shirt. I was seriously pissed at Kankuro now and I wasn't about to fall into his trap and advertise for his shop. Hells to the fucking no.

"Really?" He asked, chipper. "That would certainly make Naruto happy, seeing you in a bikini." He hinted slyly.

I turned, in fear, to see Naruto and Temari carrying Sasuke's unconscious body up the stairs and back up to the boardwalk. Naruto spotted me. He blushed and smiled a perverted smile. I turned quickly back to Kankuro. "Gimme the shirt!" I demanded and pulled it on quickly.

I then seized the box huffily and pulled it off the counter but it weighed me down quickly and I was bent double as the heavy blasted thing crushed my toes. "Fuck." I swore under my breath.

"Hey, Naruto, why don't you help Sakura carry the box back to her store?" Kankuro called to the door where Temari, Naruto, and an unconscious Sasuke had just arrived.

"Sure!" Naruto perked up, dropping Sasuke on the floor, and rushing forward to help. He bent down to pick up the box and stood up and bent backwards, the box crushing him, and his face turning red quickly.

Gaara sighed deeply, grabbed the box from Naruto and carried it easily. "Let's go." He instructed me and led the way out.

_**Well, that was nice of him!**_

_What a sweetie!_

_**And a cutie!**_

_And he looks freakishly like Sasori from behind._

_**Related?**_

_I don't think so. Weren't Sasori and Kankuro in the same art class?_

_**I think that was mentioned once, yeah…**_

_I wonder what school Temari's going to in the fall?_

See, I had to talk to my Inner because, even if I had proven Gaara was human, he still wasn't talkative. When we arrived at _Rinnegan_ I told Gaara he could put the box under the counter. When we entered, everybody froze to look at us. Gaara took no notice, walked forward, put the box where I told him to, and left with a quick "See you around, Sakura." And a very tiny smile but I swear to God, I saw it.

All the guys turned to me, confused. I explained the whole story about how Kankuro poured soda on me and I couldn't walk back in a bikini because Naruto was here and Gaara had to carry the box for me because it was heavy. And, oh yeah, Sasuke's here. He wants his phone back but I sorta knocked him off the boardwalk and he was too unconscious for me to return it.

"Well then. This means war, doesn't it?" Kakuzu questioned us in general.

"What kind of war?" Sasori asked suspiciously.

"Prank war?" Kisame asked hopefully.

"Explosions war, un?!" Deidara inquired hopefully.

"No…" Kakuzu shut them down. "A Sakura war."

"A _what_ war?" I asked, angry. What the hell did he mean by that?

"A _Sakura War._" Itachi repeated, approvingly. "I see."

"Explain, please!" I whined.

"Those bastards, making you wear that shirt… it's obviously a challenge." Pein informed me.

"It's not a challenge. Kankuro was just pissed I was from here, you know, the rival shop." I protested.

"It's a challenge. Gaara doesn't talk at all but he talks to you and he even helped you. They're up to something. Those bastards." Kisame muttered.

"Well, what do you think they're up to?" I inquired sarcastically.

Pein pondered for a bit before answering: "An advertisement war."

"So we went from 'Sakura war' to an 'advertisement war'?" I wondered.

"Never underestimate the power of teenage girl advertisement." Kakuzu responded knowingly.

"Here, put on this shirt." Zetsu suggested, holding up a tiny shirt that read _Rinnegan_.

I sighed and pulled off the Desert Coffin shirt and put on the Rinnegan one. Deidara took the Desert Coffin one and lit it on fire. When it was ashes, he swept them into a dustpan and put the ashes in Bonbon's litter box.

We got back to work and no one said anything more on the subject of war but I knew it brewed. Apparently, as long as I advertised for Rinnegan, we would win. The days continued to pass and Naruto started showing up to Rinnegan, wearing his orange swim trunks and black tee shirts and that goofy grin. Sometimes, if the guys were in a good mood, they'd let him hang out and he'd help me around the shop. He was sort of useless but he was cute in a Tobi way occasionally.

Sometimes, sitting behind the counter, when there weren't any customers, and Naruto and I just talked, it felt like old times. All joking and arm shoving and buddy-buddy inside jokes. Maybe our friendship wasn't entirely lost? He didn't get all stiff with the guys breathing down his neck but he also didn't dare ask me out in front of them.

Sasuke showed up once, the day after the Vitamin E incident, and I was forced to give him back his cell phone. On his way out, Itachi stopped him, took his phone, threw it on the floor, and crushed it with his foot. Then, Itachi looked once at his brother and I couldn't see the face from the angle I was at, but Itachi's face made Sasuke almost cry and he ran from the shop quickly.

Gaara showed up a few times. He would come in, look around, buy some stuff, and smirk tiny, tiny smirks. I have a feeling it was all part of some conspiracy. Like Kankuro had told him to chat me up so I'd come over to their side and he could dump soda on me again. Temari came once too, without either of her brothers and we talked for two hours straight about college plans and what not. She was going to Stanford. I was jealous.

The war continued subtly for the moment. Every day, the guys would make me wear a shirt advertising the shop and sometimes, when Tobi got too hot in his pirate costume, I'd stand outside the store in my bikini top and shorts and show off some henna tattoos Deidara and Sasori practiced on me. O, how I enjoyed them henna-ing all over my skin. None of the pain or permanent-ness of a real tattoo but showed off their artistic talents. And it also made them touch me for extended amounts of ti—this sentence is sounding so perverted.

One day, on the third of July, the Desert Coffin retaliated in the 'Sakura War'. I was just talking to Hidan, explaining to him that I was not going to become a Jashinist and, no, I had no plans of becoming his sacrifice, when, speed of light, Kankuro came rushing into Rinnegan. My back was turned to him but he came up right behind me at a sprint, froze, and slapped my chest with a Desert Coffin bumper sticker right over the Rinnegan logo on my tank top. Normally, I would consider this pretty weak revenge, except for one factor.

"YOU TOUCHED MY BOOBS, YOU CREEPY PERV!" I screamed at Kankuro angrily as he rushed from the shop.

Zetsu, in true, quiet-kid-you-never-know-his-next-move fashion, pulled out a paint ball gun and started shooting at Kankuro but it was too late and the green paint instead splattered a hobo sleeping on a bench on the boardwalk.

"Sorry!" I called to the hobo as I pushed Zetsu's paintball gun down gently.

The hobo just smiled good-naturedly and turned over on his bench. God, I love Californians.

"How dare that bastard touch your boobs before me?!" Hidan demanded angrily.

"You know…" I laughed uncertainly, covering my chest with my arms. "I'm just gonna pretend this never happened, okay?"

And with that, I backed away slowly.

"We'll get our revenge." Kakuzu vowed, plotting. I ignored him and we carried on with the day.

Finally, we had survived all the way to the fourth of July. The, officially, biggest beach weekend of the year. If the insane voice in my head knew anything, it was that holidays and beaches are both romantic things. And I had both. Double whammy. I promised myself, on the morning of the fourth of July, that today would be the day I sat on Pein's lap. I'd moved to thighs only last week and this might be rushing things but I really, really, wanted to kiss him. So, I vowed, I would sit in his lap and then we would have no choice but to give into our desires and make out like the crazy teens we were.

I woke up early, got a shower, moisturized, and made absolutely sure I had shaved above the knees. I donned a black bikini with dark grey cheetah print and purple strings. Over that I put on my shortest pair of dark jean shorts and a cute mini tank that read _Rinnegan_. Operation: Seduce Pein had officially begun. I quickly slipped out of the shop and ran to the store and purchased a whole lot of eggs, three pounds of bacon, everything I needed for pancake mix, vanilla ice cream to put on the pancakes, and all the ingredients for monkey bread. Oh yeah, I meant business.

_A/N: In case you didn't know, monkey bread is a breakfast and a desert all in one. It's basically dough dipped in butter and then rolled in cinnamon sugar and baked into delicious amazingness._

I then practically skipped back to the shop while Waldo pumped _I've Got a Feeling,_ by The Black Eyed Peas, into my ears. When I arrived, I made _everything_: forty-eight eggs worth of scrambled eggs, about sixty strips of bacon, somewhere around eighty giant pancakes, and a giant pile of fresh baked monkey bread.

When it was all ready I set out utensils, plates, syrup, butter, powdered sugar, the ice cream and all the food in a sort of buffet line. I also put out an open bag of bugles because that's Pein's favorite food. I surveyed my work, happy. However, the oven being on had made the room hot and it was July and we were in southern California. I stripped off my tank top before I could get sweaty and reapplied some candy apple body mist.

If this didn't get Pein into my arms, nothing would.

It was only a matter of seconds before the smell of breakfast reached the bedroom and there were nine heads in the doorway hardly daring to believe their eyes.

"Happy Birthday, AMERICA!" I cheered, throwing my hands in the air.

"Oh… my… fucking… Jashin…" Hidan muttered.

I rolled my eyes at their unhinged jaws. "It's going to get cold." I told them sourly.

They attacked, loading up their plates, and sitting down on the couches in the living room to devour.

"Sakura, I honestly love you." Sasori said as he popped some monkey bread in his mouth.

"Yay!" I cheered happily as I munched on my pancakes topped by ice cream.

I was sitting, happy as a Tobi with pixi stix, in between Pein and Kakuzu. Pein had put the Bugles on his fingers like claws and was now eating them off one by one. Kakuzu was done eating a modest amount of monkey bread and had his hand on my knee while he looked the other way to talk to Tobi about, ironically enough, pixi stix. Kakuzu was trying to explain to Tobi that the paper was not meant to be eaten and Tobi was swearing up and down that the paper was flavored and completely edible.

I watched Kakuzu's hand on my knee suspiciously and noticed Deidara, sitting across from us, was looking at it too. Well, actually, Deidara was glaring at it. Pein kept glancing at it. I should do something about his hand being there, shouldn't I? But it's just my knee…

As I thought this, his hand slid up my thigh just a few inches. There were many problems with this. One, Deidara looked ready to cut Kakuzu's hand off. Two, Pein had stopped eating Bugles to watch Kakuzu's hand. When Pein stops eating Bugles, you know something is up. Third, this was making me feel exceptionally uncomfortable. And fourth, worst of all, I am the most ticklish person you will ever meet.

I burst out into hysterical fits of uncontrollable laughter, my lungs and diaphragm entering an epileptic fit all their own, and I kicked my leg in my hysteria and crawled desperately over the back of the couch to escape Kakuzu's hand. When I had fallen over the back of the couch and was therefore, no longer tickled, I calmed down enough, as I tried to catch my breath, to realize just how much of a freak I am.

"Sakura?" Pein practically sang, looking over the couch with that evil glint in his eyes at me.

I gulped.

"Are you… perhaps… ticklish, un?" Deidara asked, joining Pein at looking at me in a looming-evil fashion.

Oh, no.

This never ends well.

So I screamed, got up, ran out onto the balcony, and leapt over the railing to land in the pool of the hotel resort next door. Neighbors are so convenient, aren't they?

-Um… yeah, of course I'm a hotel guest, sir, why do you ask? I'm just taking a quick dip while still wearing my shorts. What of it? I don't work next door.-

"I can't believe you jumped!" Sasori exclaimed when we were all settled on the beach, laughing about my little freak out. Great, now I looked like a complete freak-show to Pein.

"Neither can I…" I mumbled, miserable that I had given up a chance for Pein to tickle me. Tickle is torture but if it were Pein touching me in all my most sensitive… this sentence is coming out wrong! I'm just saying that I wouldn't mind being tickled so much as long as it was Pein doing it.

"It was pretty epic." Kisame smiled fondly at the memory, nodding. Bonbon seemed to stick to him like glue and it was here that she meowed in agreement with big blue. Itachi had read her mind and informed me that Bonbon was either worshiping Kisame as the god of fish or believed he was a Na'vi that would take her to Pandora. Kisame thought Bonbon just liked him better than Tobi. We didn't tell him otherwise.

"I got it on tape!" Tobi said, holding up his camera which seemed to document all the awesome things that happened to us… and some of the less than awesome things too…

"Can you delete it?" I moaned, completely embarrassed by my actions. I'm so peculiar!

"You should have just told us you were ticklish, un." Deidara comforted, rubbing my head. "Then we would have tickled you into insanity long ago, un."

"Gee, thanks." I grumbled, yanking his pony tail lightly.

He glared at my hair-pulling and jabbed my tummy. I burst into hysterics and fell to the ground unable to breathe properly.

When I recovered, I stood up prideful, brushed myself off primly and said: "Ahem… That didn't just happen."

"Yes it did." Tobi said, holding up his camera and replaying the few seconds of film over and over again.

I felt defeated and sunk to my seat on Pein's lap while they all laughed at my misfortune.

"You know," Pein whispered in my ear as he leaned into my back and wrapped his arms around my waist. "It seems to me that you started on my knees and now you're in my lap."

I shivered at his breath on my neck and ear lobe. His strong arms around my stomach unleashed a whole different kind of butterflies that my ticklish-ness did not. His chiseled chest against my back set my face on fire. I'd forgotten about my mission. Seduce Pein! And here he was, ready and willing to be seduced. Or, more likely, seducing me!

_**Quick! Say something mature and sexy!**_

"So it would seem."

Oh, God, I could kill myself. Is it too late to offer myself as Hidan's sacrifice to Jashin?

Pein's never gonna think I'm hot now! Sure, I've got my body going for me, but he wants a smart girl, right? He seems like that kind that would want a smart girl! And I _am _smart! And if he didn't make me so confused all the time, I could show him all my transcripts with my perfect grades! But he made me act like a fool with all his hotness and now he'd never want m---

"Do you wanna go on a date with me tonight?" He asked.

--

_A/N: Well, there you go. I feel the strange need to inform anyone reading this that I've named my giant new blue couch Kisame._

_Recap of this chapter: Sasuke's boiling with anger somewhere nearby. The sand siblings and the Akatsuki are warring over Sakura advertising their respective shops. Desert Coffin got that last shot but Kakuzu's plotting his Rinnegan revenge. Sakura's ticklish. And Pein just asked her out on a date! Oh, and don't forget, it's the fourth of July, which means fireworks and we ALL know what that means._

_I want to thank everyone who's been reviewing and last chapter was the most reviewed one so far!! One of the number one things I love about reviews, except for how funny you guys are, are the made up words. If you've survived so far in this story, you know I make up words a LOT so I'm happy to know I'm not the only one. Favorite made up word of the week:_

from Karla

_So, question for my dearest reviewers. What moment, throughout this entire story, made you laugh the hardest? What scene seems the most lol-tastic to you?_

_REVIEW!!_


	29. Fireworks

_At the end of the last chapter, in the A/N, I attempted to copy and paste the awesomest random word of the week. Fanficiton, unfortunately, deleted it when I posted and I'm way too lazy to re-post just for the sake of an authors comment. But the awesomest word of the week was submitted via anonymous review from 'Karla'._

_Also, for every puppy that gets its wings, so do two hamsters apparently. How do I know this?__ Day of Diana__ told me. And, also, after I updated, the corpses of my two dead hamsters, Puff and Fluff, flew out of their graves outside and my doggy, Daisy, grew wings too, and they all flew around my room, gave me French toast and then, rather rudely, demanded that I update. I'm scared yet strangely motivated…_

_NOW, EVERYBODY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR GETTING ME TO 958 REVIEWS! ONLY 42 UNTIL MY GOAL! When I saw 958 this morning, I started screaming and ran barefoot out of my house and into my grumpy neighbor's yard and then all the way to the park to tell the small children playing baseball that my life is complete. Btw, my friends have vowed that once I hit 1000 reviews, they'll throw me a party. I need a party. So help me, please? REVIEW!_

_Disclaimer: So, these drop dead gorgeous characters and some of the less attractive one's, all belong to Masashi Kishimoto with the exception of Bonbon and the Pablos. Plot is typically mine with the exception of an instance I'll use later in this chapter suggested by __Caeafae__._

_Warning: Now, this is a PeinxSakura centric chapter. I know that not everybody is rooting for them. This is still a multi story so don't worry. I said this summer was going to be a disaster, didn't I?_

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 29**

**Fireworks**

I froze. Did he just ask me out? I'd never been asked out before by a guy besides Naruto and I don't even think that counts. This can't be happening. If I say no, it means I'm a bitch for leading him on all this time because I really do like him and he likes me so the only next logical step is to date but it's more complicated when you throw in a bunch of other boys too. If I say yes, the others will be jealous. But, then again, it's their fault for signing that Bang-Buddy Agreement. If they make an agreement not to ask me out and put all the pressure on me, it's their fault when I explore the possibilities.

As Pein got closer and closer to me, I felt less and less attracted to the others, even Deidara. It felt odd, not to be falling all over them like the total slut I know I am (I'll just blame Inner Sakura from my slut-dom) but-

_**I am not a slut!**_

_Yes, you are. You are my Inner Slut that makes me do bad, slutty things._

_**Shut up! I am not! I'm the smart one that knows a hot guy when she sees one and also knows how to get them to make out with me!**_

_AKA, you're a slut._

_**You're a slut!**_

_I'm you._

_**Case and point.**_

I thought about that for a minute.

_Well, fuck._

Anyway, it felt weird not to be so insanely attracted to seven guys at once. But this was also making me less of a slut, which is a good thing, right? I mean, maybe this was the way everything was meant to go. Of course I still loved them all in a way that was almost painful and that hadn't ebbed but my love for Pein seemed to have grown. He seemed so evil and underhanded and stoic when I first met him but after getting him to open up a bit, he seemed like, probably, the coolest person I had ever met. He was like a rock star to me. And he was asking me out!

"Yes, please." I practically drooled, turning in Pein's lap to look him in his creepy and damn sexy eyes.

He smiled at me, making his snake bite piercings spread more than I'd ever seen before. "Cool. But we probably shouldn't tell the others."

"Why not?" I asked.

He gave me a meaningful look. I sighed. I knew what he meant. If we told the others, they'd become angry, jealous, or have a seizure… or a combination of the three. Still, keeping secrets from them bothered me. I didn't keep secrets from me. Except my undying love for Deidara before all the others. I never did tell him I loved him so. Oh, well.

"Okay," I give in, sighing. "Then we'll have to be smart. Lend me your cell phone?" I asked him.

He quickly pulled his phone out of the pocket in his swim trunks and handed it to me, wondering what I would do. I looked around and made sure none of the guys could hear me. Kisame was asleep on his beach towels, still too afraid of Pablo the lifeguard to go swimming, and the other boys were involved in an epic game of water football in the ocean. I watched Tobi get run over by a surfer before deeming myself safe to call without them overhearing.

I dialed Temari's cell phone.

"Hello?" Temari inquired after a couple rings.

"Hey, it's Sakura." I told her.

"Oh! Hey, what's up?"

"Pein asked me out!" I practically squealed, shaking in excitement and not caring that Pein could clearly see how excited his invitation had made me.

"Oh, my god! No way!" Temari squealed, sharing my excitement. She and I had awesome conversations and she knew how head over heels I was for Pein.

"Yes way! But, here's the thing…" I trailed off.

"Ohhh, go on!" Temari whispered into the phone conspiratorially. She just loved feeding my histrionic tendencies.

"Our love is a forbidden one that must remain a secret!" I hissed dramatically into the receiver.

"Sexy and stealthy!" Temari declared. "So, how are you going to hide it from those love-struck puppies of yours?"

"Tell them I'm spending the night at your place, leave now, get ready for my date with you, and have Pein pick me up over at the Coffin?" I suggested, hoping she was okay with my blatant using of her.

"My dear, I'd be insulted if you didn't!" She giggled.

I laughed at her girly attitude. "You seemed so much cooler before I knew you." I let her know, remembering how I used to think of her as so cool and aloof.

"And you seemed so much nerdier!" She laughed at my jab with a return.

"Okay, I'll see you in about fifteen minutes?" I asked after laughing some more.

"On one condition." She whispered.

"You're not going to make me do work, are you?" I asked miserably, working being the last thing I wanted to do.

"No!" Temari laughed at my assumption. "I get to dress you and do your make-up. Okay?"

I smiled. Temari was, like, the master. She'd been dating college boys since the eighth grade, she knew what she was doing. "Deal." I smiled, and hung up.

I handed Pein his phone back, ignoring his smirk that had been there since my first squeal.

"I'll pick you up after we close, okay?" He asked, raising an orange eyebrow, just daring me to squeal again.

I squealed again, just to show him I wasn't embarrassed. "Okay!" I cheered, leapt out of his lap.

"Where are you going?" Kakuzu asked, coming up the beach to check his wallet as he did every fifteen minutes.

"I'm going over to Temari's to hang out." I lied flawlessly.

"The enemy." Kakuzu muttered, narrowing his eyes. "I will get my revenge." He vowed.

"Whatever," I rolled my eyes and raced up the beach, down the board walk, and all the way to The Desert Coffin.

Upon arrival, I ignored Sasuke. Why did Gaara even have to invite Naruto to help out at the shop over the summer anyway? And why did Naruto have to insist that Sasuke come with him? I wasted enough of my childhood mooning over Sasuke and had gotten totally rejected by him already. And only last year did I realize that he was a prick when we started high school and first spotted Itachi, _**The God of Awesome**_. I just ignored him and the foot shaped bruise on his face that had only faded slightly from his pasty complexion.

Instead, I raced right past him and glomped Temari who had been walking out of the back room to greet me. We fell to the ground and promptly began rolling around on the ground screaming in excitement. Once Sasuke, Kankuro, Gaara, and Naruto had stood over us, looking utterly disturbed did we finally stopped and stood up calmly.

Temari cleared her throat and we both made our faces impassive as we faced their incredulous stares. I looked Temari out of the corner of my eye and she looked back at me in the same way. We both broke out grinning. I cracked first.

"WHAT DO I WEAR?!" I screeched and we raced into the back room, up the staircase, and into Temari's bedroom to loot her closet.

Once Temari had shoved me into her black, Billabong, Mohan dress, I was allowed to give the yay or nay after a brief glance in her full length mirror. It was a cute dress, really. Strapless and had ruffles once it hit the waist but it didn't extend past mid-thigh on me. I had hardly turned to look at myself from the back before Temari assaulted me with strappy heels.

And then came the make-up. And there was a pep talk around dinner when I had a mental relapse and freaked out from over excitement. Then I had a rather awkward silence while Temari told me the importance of safe sex. I had to dash her hopes by telling her that, no, I wasn't going to sleep with him. She glared at me and wondered aloud how she was supposed to live vicariously through me if I wasn't screwing anybody. I laughed, thinking she was joking, until she slipped a condom into the purse she was lending me. I glared at her and she winked. "Just in case," she said.

Finally, we sat me down to find out exactly what to do with all my freaking hair. It was long enough for me to sit on it now and it looked sort of plain, just hanging there all limp. It was during Temari's messing with my hair that Naruto ventured upstairs to keep me company during the pain of Temari repeatedly burning my scalp with all sorts of curling and straightening irons. Temari was so focused on the task that she wouldn't talk to me so Naruto's company was appreciated.

"So… is it true?" He asked a little awkwardly.

"Is what true?" I asked him, wondering. I mean, it was obvious I was going out with Pein tonight, and he knew that, so what's he got a question about?

"That Orochimaru tried to rape you?" he asked shyly.

Temari glared at him, I could see in the mirror. "I thought we all agreed not to ask her about that." She hissed at him.

"But enough time has passed and the Akatsuki aren't hanging around, so it should be okay, right?" He whined, obviously curious despite himself.

I had to admit, his question had caught me off guard. And it sort of rose bile in the back of my throat to think about, honestly. "He tried." I whispered, remembering it all over again. This was so not good mojo for my date.

"But you stabbed him through the balls." Naruto relayed the details he'd heard via gossip to me for confirmation.

I nodded, smiling my evil smile.

"But… who blew up the school?" Temari asked, trying to sound as off hand as possible in case I didn't want to answer since she was more sensitive than Naruto like that.

"Oh, Orochimaru had rigged a bomb but I set off the fire alarm so everyone would get out okay." I told them, remembering Deidara's shock that out of all the pyros to blow up the school, it hadn't been him.

"Really?!" Naruto asked, eager for more.

"Well, duh," I told him.

"Wow," he whispered in wonderment. "You're even more of a hero than they were saying."

"Hero?" I repeated. It felt weird. I'd never, ever, considered what I did heroic. More like… stupid, reckless, dumb, insane, and insanely awesome. In that order.

"Yeah, that's what the papers are calling you. The Hero of High School." He smiled, always loving to know something I didn't.

"Papers?!"

_**What the fuck? NEWS COVERAGE?!**_

"Yeah, and Time Magazine. You can't even turn on the news anymore without your school picture popping up. You uncovered a child predator and a murderer. The school blew up. And then you just vanish. Not only are they praising teens today for being heroic and all that stuff, but they're beating down on the school and police department for not discovering Orochimaru's true nature in the first place." Naruto explained. "Now the police department is back pedaling, the school's too busy rebuilding to comment, and families everywhere are demanding to know your whereabouts so they can adopt you because the fact that you're an orphan is completely fueling the story."

I didn't want to be adopted. I didn't want to piss of Mr. Uchiha when we have been stealing his money for a while now. And I didn't want to be known as 'the heroic orphan girl'. This is soooooo bad mojo. I decided to look on the bright side. "Pein asked me out." I sighed dreamily and melted into Temari's capable hands.

"And now you're ready to seduce him!" Temari cheered while Naruto rolled his eyes at our girly antics. I looked at myself in the mirror and nearly had a heart attack. Light make-up. Cute dress. Even cuter heels. And my hair was doing the whole half-up half-down thing flawlessly with different parts of my hair curled and the rest straight. "Yes!" I yelled at my reflection. "He's going to think I'm so rapeable!"

Temari and Naruto gave me a wired look but I ignored them because right then was when Gaara called up the stairs. "The orange one is here, Sakura!"

I raced down the stairs, almost killed myself tripping, and slowed down with Temari and Naruto following behind me. When I emerged from the back room, I saw Pein standing in the middle of the store wearing jeans and a white button down. His sneakers were the usual skater style. His hair was still perfectly messy. And all twenty six of his piercings on his face and ears were visible.

_**He's still more rapeable than us!**_

He looked at me and smiled, completely ignoring Kankuro's death glare at having the enemy in his shop. I walked over to Pein as if entranced by his eyes and I felt the world all fall away. That is, until Naruto had to ruin it all.

"Sakura!" Naruto yammered over my shoulder, leaning into my back. "If you swing your hips like that when you walk, he's going to think you're a slut." (_A/N: This is the part __Caeafae__ suggested._)

Pein, still smiling only at me, mutely punched Naruto who fell to the floor unconscious in a second. He then wrapped his large hand, oh-so warm, around my waist and smoothly led me out of the shop. I was so in heaven. I knew it.

Silently, we walked down the boardwalk, lost in each other while, from above us, illegal fireworks exploded in fantastic, unreal patterns. Their explosions were accompanied by distant yelling of "Art, un!" and then "THIS IS NOT ART! THIS IS PYROMANIA!" and then "SHUT THE FUCK UP, SASORI, THIS IS FUCKING ART, UN!" and then "Nooo, THIS IS SPARTA!" and then a collective "SHUT UP, TOBI!"

"Do they know you're gone?" I asked as we walked off the boardwalk to where all the cars were parked.

"I told them I'd go shopping." Pein answered, his hand still on my waist. Oh, Temari was going to love cross-analyzing all his movements. I made a note that Pein's hand was huge.

_**And you know what they say about big hands…**_

_Big feet!_

… _**GIANT PENIS!**_

_MENTAL IMAGE! MENTAL IMAGE! NO! MY INNOCENT MIND!_

Dammit, why does Pein always have to make me think about sex and then Inner Sakura has to make me picture him naked? This is becoming a problem.

"Do you like Italian food?" Pein asked.

I suppressed a blush at how his smooth voice made me remember Inner Sakura's rather hopeful vision. "Italian food sounds great!" I smiled as we walked into the parking lot. "…I forgot you drive a minivan." I muttered as realization hit me. Minivans are not sexy. I couldn't hide the disappointment in my voice.

"Which is why I stole Hidan's car keys!" Pein smiled happily, pulling out Hidan's keys and steering me towards said Jashinist's Ferrari.

I surveyed the car and determined that it was approximately an infinite amount of times sexier than a minivan. Pein opened the passenger door for me and I almost ran away to squeal in private but instead stepped coolly inside the car. Pein then climbed into the driver's side and we were off. At about five feet an hour. That's right, feet. Not miles. Feet.

"Why are you driving so sloooow?" I asked him, completely confused. The last time I'd been a car with him behind the wheel he'd been a speed demon and had even won a street race that _he_ initiated!

Pein coughed, as if embarrassed I had noticed. "Um… So Hidan runs out of gas." He lied and I knew he was lying.

So I poked him sharply in the stomach to get him to tell the truth and he broke out laughing way too hard. It took him a minute to get a hold of himself. I looked at him, in shock. "You're… _ticklish!_" I concluded in awe.

He said nothing and focused on the slowly approaching road.

"I can't believe you! You give me crap for being ticklish when you're ticklish too!" I ranted lightly, exasperated and happy at the same time. I had a weapon against him now. "So…" I said, putting my finger dangerously near his ticklish tummy. "Why are you driving so slow?" I asked again.

He looked at my finger suspiciously. "I'm dragging out our time together." He admitted finally.

It caught me off guard. Only one response to that could bubble to the surface. "Awwwww." I cooed.

Pein blushed. He was just too cute. And hot. And sexy. Pein. Sex.

_Ah! We've reentered the brain loop!_

_**Yay!**_

_Not yay! Abort brain loop! Abort!_

"Here we are." Pein smiled and I realized that even at five feet an hour, the restaurant was not far. And, god damn, it was fancy. The whole building was huge, having multiple floors, all with balconies. And there was even valet parking. A valet opened my door for me and helped me out while Pein tossed another valet Hidan's keys.

He reached casually for my hand and entwined our fingers. Together, we walked into the massive restaurant to the hostess stand.

"Do you have a reservation?" She asked stiffly, eyeing Pein's piercings disapprovingly.

"It should be under Kick Ass." He smiled at her.

She glared at him, obviously not believing the name but decided to humor him and glance at her reservations list. Her eyes widened. "Oh!" She gasped, clearly embarrassed. "Right this way Mr… Kick Ass. We've saved your two person table in the V.I.P. section just as you asked." She muttered, blushing, and leading us to an elevator. Then, all the way to the top floor where she had to use a key to enter because it was just that exclusive.

We were on the balcony and all around us were hushed conversations between celebrities. This is exactly why California is the best place on earth. The hostess pulled out my chair for me at a nice table that was set with at least five different forks and knives and the napkin folded like origami paper into an intricate flower. Lit candles that smelled like vanilla cupcakes were the only light source out here in the middle of the night.

"Your waitress should be with you very shortly." The hostess said with belated respect as she handed us our menus.

She had hardly left us when the waitress appeared. She was very pretty and had blue hair with a paper flower tucked in it. "Hi, Pein." She smiled warmly at _my_ date.

We ordered our drinks. Blackberry wine. Lots of it. The girl, who introduced herself as Konan to me after she finished smiling cat-like at my date, didn't even card us.

When she left, I looked at Pein and asked him, as polite as you please, "Who exactly was that girl?"

Pein smirked at my expression. "Jealous?"

"_**Yes."**_

"That was my cousin, Konan." He smiled.

I blushed, feeling completely played. How could I be so stupid? How could I be so _jealous_?

I opened the menu to distract myself and saw that the cheapest side salad was forty dollars. "This place is kind of pricey." I muttered in awe at how this could even be socially acceptable.

"I've got it covered." Pein smiled at me.

Seven bottles of blackberry wine, one calamari appetizer, two plates of pasta, and a shared desert later, it was time to put that to the test. Konan handed us the check, winked conspiratorially at Pein, gave me a small, distrusting smile, and left us with it. Pein casually flipped the padded folder open to see the check.

"Kakuzu would kill me for spending this much." Pein muttered.

I looked at him meaningfully. He'd said he had it covered.

He looked at me and then looked meaningfully over the balcony railing at the pool on the roof of the hotel resort next door to the restaurant.

I blame the blackberry wine but we both got up, gathered our things, I silently apologized to Temari for ruining my make up and hair and her dress, and we both ran towards the railing and leapt, Johnny Depp watching from his seat three tables over in shock. We tumbled through the air and for a minute of fear I thought we were going to miss but we both landed, miraculously, in the deep end of the pool.

Laughing hard, we crawled out of the pool and escaped the hotel as stealthily as two drunk kids can, and raced back to Rinnegan. When we got there, on the first floor of the shop, I had to ask through my giggles. "Do you love me?"

Pein sobered after a few more snorts of laughter and looked at me seriously. "I can't." He whispered dramatically. "You have no piercings." He went on.

I snorted with laughter anew. "Well, we can fix that." I giggled.

"Right now?" He asked.

"Right now." I clarified.

He pulled me into the private booth with all his piercings stuff. There was a table/bed thing in the middle for customers to lay or sit on and I crawled onto it, drunk and tired, while Pein searched about for exactly what he wanted to stab through my skin. Finally, he found what he wanted and turned back to me.

"Are you ready?" He smirked.

"No turning back." I grinned and lay back on the table.

Pein came over to my side and with just a few pinches, I had earrings. Lots of them. Three in both ear. One in the cartilage on my left ear. My ears felt heavy and achy. I turned to Pein. "That hurt." I complained, pouting.

"Would you like me to kiss it better?" He joked, but the offer stood.

I rolled my eyes at his goofy grin. "Do you think I'd look good with a belly button piercing?" I asked him, lifting my dress (don't worry, I'd worn shorts underneath it because it was so short) to examine my belly.

Pein looked only at my stomach. "Yes." He whispered a little huskily.

I smirked at him, giving him the go-ahead. He leaned over my exposed stomach, his hands ghosting across it. I didn't feel any tickling sensation. Just a deep want. I tried to shake it off and the sudden pain in my stomach did the trick as my new belly button piercing punctured my skin. "Ow!" I gasped. This hurt a lot more than my ears did.

"Do you want me to kiss it better?" Pein asked again. He seemed more serious this time but I still brushed him off.

"I like it." I smiled at my belly button piercing, feeling like a badass.

"Do you want anything else?" Pein asked in a whisper.

I looked up at him, catching the double meaning. I stuck out my tongue for him to see. It took him a minute, but he caught on soon enough. He gripped the tip of my fleshy muscle and, with the other hand, ran it through with the needle, leaving me with only one meager piercing to show for it. "Ow! Shit that hurt!" I swore when he finished. This was the most painful so far.

"Do you want me to kiss it better?" He asked again, softly.

I met his eyes this time, giving him a silent go ahead. Slowly, his giant hands came up to grip the side of my face and he leaned over me and pressed his lips against mine gently. It felt different than any kiss I'd ever had before. There were no wandering hands. There was no huffing and puffing. It was simply a meeting. A greeting. Casual. And I wanted more.

I ran my hands up his chest through his sopping wet shirt until I hit his neck and wove my hands around to grip the ends of his hair and pull impatiently for the good part to begin. He smirked against my lips and threw a leg over me, pulling himself over me on the table. We broke apart for a second to breathe and he looked at me again for another go ahead. I closed my eyes and kissed him again.

His tongue prodded my lower lip and I opened, smirking. I felt his snake bites against my chin. His tongue wandered in and I felt his piercing. I felt _my_ piercing! One of his hands traveled down my body and pushed me by the small of my back against him. I couldn't believe that this was happening to me. I couldn't believe that one of the most amazing guys I'd ever met, not to mention the hottest, who seemed so mature sometimes, was interested in me. I moaned under his assault.

The hand against my back began to move up my side, farther up… farther up… too far, don't touch that! I broke away from him abruptly. "Stop," I panted, out of breath. "First date." I reminded him, pushing against his chest.

"You're right." He sighed, just way too perfect and understanding for me to comprehend. "I'm sorry."

"No, it's fine. But we're both drunk and I'm just not ready." I explained, blushing, embarrassed by the whole situation.

"It's all good." Pein smiled good naturedly, kissing my forehead, and getting off of me. "Let's hit the hay."

We headed up to the room and I slipped into pajamas before slipping into bed, nudging Bonbon aside to make room. I slept like the dead, so tired from all the wine and activities of the day. It's no wonder I felt nothing.

When I woke up the next morning, everyone was still asleep but it was definitely later than I normally wake up. Yawning, I sat up and headed to the bathroom for obvious purposes. However, I caught sight of something in the mirror. Across my lower back. I lifted my tee a little higher too look at it in the mirror. Tramp-stamped across the small of my back, in smoky letters with fancy designs on either side, was the one word that represented the revenge Kakuzu had muttered about:

_Rinnegan_

--

_A/N: FINALLY DONE! God, that was a long chapter! So review! Review! Review! Haha, she got piercings, AND a tramp stamp! Lolz!_

_Also, anybody love this story enough to do fanart for it? Because, if so, please do and then send it to me so I can love you forever!_


	30. Marry Me?

_WE HIT 1000!!!! //dies// YOU GUYS HAVE WON A SPEEDY UPDATE! ENJOY! THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH!! When I found out (via a wake-up text message from a friend who SUBMITTED THE 1000TH REVIEW), I ran to the supermarket in my slipper (only one slipper, no lie) and pajamas (which were a bit skimpy...), laid down in the pasta asile, screamed at the top of my lungs, got up, and ran back home, laughing all the way. Thank you for getting me banned from the super market! I love you all!_

_BTW, if you're wondering about Sakura's ear piercings, it's based off the ear piercings Sarah Michelle Gellar sports in Buffy: The Vampire Slayer so, no, I was not being entirely random in that. Only the cartilage piercing is the difference. Tongue piercings are awesome and belly button piercings are required for anyone who spends their whole summer at a beach, though, so they were also added._

_Also, a few people don't know. Tramp stamp: it's a tattoo (of anything, really) just above your ass. Like, right at the hem of your jeans. They call them tramp stamps because the girls who have them are intentionally drawing attention to their asses for the rest of their lives. It's looked upon as being very slutty._

_Plus, a few reviews mentioned this: Sakura hasn't kissed (insert name here). Well, concerning the Akatsuki, Sakura hasn't yet kissed Deidara (remember, it was a daydream), Kakuzu (Pein kinda stole her), and Tobi (but they are married on facebook)._

_Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto. Don't want to. He's icky. Wouldn't mind owning the Akatsuki though… //evil chuckle//_

_Warning: This chapter is pretty disjointed. There were a lot of things I wanted to do that wouldn't flesh out into full chapters so they got stuck in here. Which is pretty much the random scenes chapter XD Enjoy the random-ness. Lots of important and funny things happen~!_

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 30**

**Marry Me?**

Kakuzu… had tramped stamped me in my sleep. I'd been so drunkenly passed out that I hadn't even felt it! That bastard! In a whirlwind of pink bed head, I raced back to the bedroom and pounced on his bed.

"YOU TRAMP STAMPED ME?!" I demanded in loud snarls, wringing his sleepy neck.

He shoved me off of his body easily. Damn his muscles.

"What's going on?" Sasori asked, now that everyone had woken up at the spectacle I was making.

I pulled up my shirt to display the tattoo. "He fucking branded me in my sleep!" I screeched. I wasn't even sure I wanted a tattoo and now I'm stuck with a tramp stamp for life? No! I would never, ever, in all of my years have even considered a tramp stamp! It's called a _tramp stamp!_

"It's fake." Kakuzu said suddenly. I stare suddenly at his serious face and felt entirely relieved. Oh, thank you God in heaven. No wonder I hadn't felt a needle tattooing my back… there hadn't been a needle! "But those piercings aren't." He went on, smirking at my ears.

I clapped my hands over my ears quickly, blushing. I forgot about those… I appealed to Pein for help by giving him the puppy dog eyes.

He smiles broadly. "You should see her tongue." He tells them.

I could strangle him.

_**I could rape him.**_

_NOT. HELPING._

"You got a tongue piercing, un?" Deidara asked, intrigued.

"In my defense, I was drunk." I told him, sticking out my tongue.

Kisame nodded his approval. "Sexy." He remarked.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CAR?!" Hidan suddenly demanded, looking out the back window at the parking lot behind the shop.

"Err…" I didn't know how to respond to that without telling him the truth.

Hidan turned on me, pissed beyond belief. His car and his religion were his life. He was a car guy. Before I knew it, I was dragged by my hair out of the bedroom, screaming all the way, onto the balcony, and flung rudely over the edge into the pool again.

Summer, from that point on, passed in disjointed segments. Between the blur of work and sleep and eat and beach, only a few moments really stood out. Such as:

* * *

Hidan looked grim as he put down his cell phone and he abruptly turned to me and Pein and glared fiercely. "My car's been impounded." He growled.

I twitched and backed away, covering the top of my hair with my hands, hoping he wouldn't fling me off the balcony. Pein had the decency to look a bit guilty. "You fucking double parked, in front of a fucking fire hydrant, and partially in a fucking handicapped spot!" Hidan snarled at Pein.

"Oh…" I hissed. "That's all kinds of illegal, Pein."

Pein smirked embarrassedly. "I guess I really shouldn't be allowed near cars."

"At least not my fucking car!" Hidan yelled. "How do you even call that fucking parking?! And why were you in the parking lot of that fancy Italian place?!"

Kakuzu's head perked up. "That sounds expensive."

"Err… we were in a hurry." Pein muttered, not wanting to admit we had been on a date. Although, thinking about it, Kakuzu would be very proud of us for skipping out on the bill.

"We were stalking Johnny Depp!" I insisted with gusto. Tiny details always make a lie more convincing, right?

"Johnny Depp?" Hidan questioned, his anger stopped in his tracks by my unexpected answer.

"I _love_ Johnny Depp." I insisted.

"Well, you were flipping out when you saw Sweeny Todd on TV last week…" Sasori reasoned, joining the conversation now that Hidan seemed less murderous.

_**The correct term is 'fan-gasm' not 'flipping out', thank you very much.**_

Hidan's lack of murderous intent was replaced immediately by Kakuzu's. "Sweeny Todd was only on the pay per view channels." He growled in a deep, threatening, _**come hither**_ voice.

I smiled guiltily at him, hoping it could save my life but, instead, he took a page out of Hidan's book. Grabbing me by the hair, with me screaming all the way, he dragged me to the balcony and flung me over the edge.

"Miss…" One of the hotel employees approached me, wholly convinced I was a customer now since I showed up in the pool so often. "Why do you always swim in your clothes?"

"I'm shy." I lied. Ode to the irony of it all.

* * *

The fake tramp stamp was taking forever to fade. Kakuzu had not only used temporary tattoo ink, but he had also been so stingy in his prank that he had stolen The Desert Coffin's supplies in the night to do it! The Desert Coffin enacted their revenge a few days later.

Temari invited me over to tell her 'absolutely everything' about my date with Pein. So, after a few blackberry wine bottles and an almost entirely too detailed interpretation of my date, I passed out, belly down, on their couch. I woke up with 'The Desert Coffin' henna'd across my back.

I surveyed it in the mirror in shock and anger for a minute before going into Kankuro and Gaara's room. I quickly flipped Kankuro's mattress (he's the henna artist so it was all his fault, really) while he was still sleeping in it and before he could realize what had happened in his sleepy stupor, I stormed out and back to Rinnegan.

The boys were up, and they were pissed.

"How dare they steal our idea, un?!" Deidara demanded, not only offended by their counterattack but also at the fact that they thought my henna tattoo was 'art'.

"Here, let's get it off," Sasori told Deidara, them being the henna experts.

"Henna removing materials cost money." Kakuzu hissed, stopping them in their tracks.

I glared at Kakuzu. "You are such a cheap skate." I told him.

"Chlorine water can get rid of hennas really quickly." Zetsu suggested.

Suddenly, they were all looking at me, smirking. Nine sets of arms grabbed me and flung me from the balcony. Screaming, I tumbled into the pool and they, laughing, leapt in after me.

"You're not really a hotel guest here, are you?" The hotel employee asked when we resurfaced.

"I'm not actually shy either." I admitted.

We were then chased out by the police and their dogs.

* * *

One day, while I was zoning out at work, Konan walked in.

"Oh, hi!" I greeted her when she came right towards me.

"Breakup." She told me.

"What?" I asked, perplexed by her word and her hostile attitude.

"Breakup with Pein." She clarified. "I'm warning you now, this little 'relationship' of yours is bad news."

I narrowed my eyes at her. "What are you talking about?"

"Look, I know you're just a little boy-obsessed teenager-"

"I am not!" I protested.

"You climbed balconies to get to them, Sakura, I know you've got issues." She told me, with a sarcastically comforting smile.

"How do you know about that?" I huffed.

She gave me a flat look. "I was there, remember?"

"No…" I muttered guiltily.

Konan sighed. "See, this is what I mean. You're entire life revolves around these boys. You are so focused on them that you forget other people even exist."

"Well, you seemed perfectly happy with my 'obsession' when you were helping me scale buildings for them." I crossed my arms in self-defense.

"I don't much care what you do with guys, just as long as it's not with my cousin." She told me flatly.

"Why not Pein?" I glared.

"Trust me, it will end badly. You know nothing about Pein. Loving him will only cause you trouble and heartache in the end." She told me and turned quickly to leave but turned back to me suddenly. "Oh, and next time you guys dine and dash, at least leave me a tip!" And with that, she was gone.

I sighed. _At least she didn't throw me off the balcony to get her point across._

* * *

The next day, Konan returned.

"Did you breakup yet?" She asked me, sneering rather than smiling. I'm pretty sure that she hates me.

"No, and we're not going to just because you tell me to. Why are you trying to ruin my happiness?" I glared at her.

"I'm trying to _protect_ your happiness, idiot." Konan said unconvincingly.

I snorted. "I highly doubt that."

Konan glared at me. "Look," she snapped, "I'm on your side as much as Pein's. You two aren't some match made in heaven. He'll totally screw your life up and vice versa."

"What are you talking about?" I asked her, not trusting her one bit.

Konan sighed heavily at how slow I was. "I'm spending the night, okay? I'll keep an eye on you two."

Pein was fine with Konan spending the night and Kakuzu didn't really care since she'd brought her own food to eat. The others didn't seem enthusiastic though. It only took one glance in Tobi's direction from her for him to cower in fear behind Kisame who didn't look too pleased at being in Konan's direct line of vision. Apparently, I wasn't the only one frightened of her.

She kept me close, making sure I wasn't ever alone with anyone but her. That night, she even crawled into _my_ bed! "What are you doing?!" I hissed at her.

"I'm not a slut so I'm not going to sleep in the same bed as a _boy_." She whispered back calmly, her back to mine.

I blushed since sleeping in the same bed as a boy is what I did for a full semester this past school year. "Sleep in the same bed as your _beloved_ cousin, then!" I hissed quietly into the night.

"That," she drawled, "is a disgusting suggestion. I do not support incest."

I huffed and let the matter drop. Konan was impossible. From the floor, Bonbon meowed pitifully. With Konan and me stuffed on my twin, there wasn't any room for her. There was hardly room for me! I silently apologized to the feline.

When I woke up in the morning, I wasn't the first one up. Bonbon had been up for much longer and across the room, I could see what she'd been doing in the night since she had no bed to sleep in. She'd been chewing on Gertrude.

"Shit!" I swore softly. Not good. Not good. Not good.

Gertrude was Zetsu's prized possession and if he found out, he would kill Bonbon in a second. And probably Tobi for buying the kitten in the first place. He'd always been opposed to Bonbon's presence and now that he had a reason to wring her furry neck, he'd take it with his schizophrenic vengeance. And there was no way to cover this up, I realized, looking at Gertrude's tattered, leafy figure.

I ninja-rolled over to Tobi's bed quickly, knelt beside it, and shook Tobi vigorously. "Wake up, wake up, wake up, Tobiiiii!!!" I moaned quietly. This is bad. This is so bad. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Tobi muttered something about evil flying pizza bagels and brushed my hand away sleepily, not opening his eye. "C'mon, Tobi, wake up!" I pleaded in whispers, glancing over my shoulder to make sure that Zetsu was still sleeping calmly while Bonbon was happily chewing on a leaf she had ripped from Gertrude's stem.

With his visible eye still closed, Tobi sat up groggily in bed. He then slumped a bit and started snoring gently. Dammit, he was sleeping while sitting up! I moved to sit on the edge of his bed and shook him by his shoulders again.

Tobi muttered something incoherent again and placed a hand heavily on my shoulder. I froze.

_**What the FUCK is happening here?**_

His other hand gripped my waist roughly. The hand on my shoulder moved back to knot itself in my hair.

_**Back away! BACK AWAY!**_

But I couldn't. For all his adorable-ness, Tobi was freakishly strong in this moment. I struggled to pull away but he held me in place easily. His eye was still closed as if he was still dreaming. His face moved closer to mine.

_**My God, what is he dreaming about?!**_

His lips pressed against mine softly and I froze in shock, wide-eyed. I raised my hands and pushed against his chest but he didn't move even an inch. Damn his strength! He finally pulled away and smiled goofily, and, with his eye still closed, he flopped back down against the bed, hugging me to his chest.

_**Err… what just happened?**_

_WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT?!_

This was Tobi, for christ's sake. He owns a stuffed panda!

I sighed, blaming the innocent, tongue-free kiss on his dream. It's been an accident, right? Besides, it _was_ Tobi. I couldn't be mad at him for just that. So, instead of killing him, I tried to break free of his grip. He wasn't letting go. Dammit.

I grabbed his stuffed panda and threw it at Kisame, who woke with a start. "Help?" I whispered, when his eyes landed on me.

He smirked, got up, and walked over to me. "And how, pray tell, did this come about?" He asked perversely.

"Just shut up and pry his arms off of me, okay?" I hissed. Kisame was joking while I was seriously freaking out now.

"And why should I?" Kisame inquired, smiling evilly.

I glared at him. "Bonbon ate Gertrude."

Kisame's face went from blue to white. I liked him better blue. He turned, slowly, in horror, to see Bonbon still happily munching on one of Gertrude's fallen leaves while Gertrude was entirely in shambles.

"Fuck." He whispered.

"Now help me!" I snapped at him, still in a whisper.

He obediently pried Tobi's arms off from around me, and I stood up once free. "Well, this is it then," Kisame said solemnly. "We're all gonna die."

"We're not going to die." I whispered at him angrily. "We're just going to… run really fast."

"Fuck!" Kisame swore, pointing shakily at Zetsu. "He's waking up!"

Indeed, Zetsu was stirring.

I lunged forward and tried to grab Gertrude before Zetsu could wake up and see her.

Bonbon, sensing the danger, darted away from Zetsu and Gertrude and leapt into Kisame's arms. Kisame then returned to his sleeping spot and dropped to the floor, feigning sleep. The sound of Kisame's body hitting the floor was enough to send Zetsu over the edge, and he awoke, opening his brilliant eyes and seeing only me, reaching for his ruined plant.

I could see Evil Zetsu brewing in his eyes. Oh shit!

"Ow!" I screeched reflexively, reaching for the back of my head where people typically chose to drag me by. Zetsu froze. Maybe my preemptive actions could save me…? "Oh, God, no! Please don't!" I screamed, pretending that Evil Zetsu was dragging me away as I slid backwards. The others had awoken and were watching in fascination as an invisible person dragged me away.

"No! They already know I'm not a hotel guest!" I cried, begging and pleading, as I backed out onto the balcony. "You're so mean to me!" I screeched and flung myself off of the balcony into the pool. Zetsu then tossed Tobi in after me. Then Kisame, who was trying really hard to protect Bonbon from Zetsu's wrath, was tumbling into the pool with us. Bonbon did the sensible thing and ran like hell.

She did not want to be thrown into the pool.

* * *

Tobi had a plan. He had purchased a cactus to replace Gertrude. Zetsu, since the whole incident, had been in mourning and lashed out at anybody who tried to speak to him. Except for me, Kisame, and Tobi. I don't know how I had been roped into it. Kisame was with Bonbon most of the time and Tobi had bought her, but all I did was make sure she didn't starve to death because the boys weren't very good about the whole feeding schedule thing. And she slept in my bed. And I bought her kitty toys and played with her all the time. Dammit, I am at fault!

Anyway, he didn't need an excuse to lash out at _us_. He'd seek us out and just throw us off the balcony whenever he wanted. The hotel employees now considered us a necessary evil and just let us be. Bonbon, the evil genius and master of all things cute, had successfully avoided Zetsu and the razor he planned to shave her bald with.

So, imagine my surprise when Tobi lugs in a three foot tall cactus into the shop, it's plot clearly carved to say 'Save a Plant, Eat a Vegetarian', and drops it in front of Zetsu.

"Forgive me?" Tobi asked, putting on the one-eyed puppy face.

Zetsu glared at him.

Tobi flung himself onto the cactus, hugging its spiny form, stabbing himself all over the place. Zetsu jumped up, shocked. "I'm not letting go until you forgive me!" Tobi sobbed.

"I forgive! I forgive!" Zetsu said. Maybe he really did like Tobi. Or maybe he didn't like that Tobi was watering the poor plant with his blood.

Tobi let go of the cactus, proudly.

"What are you going to name it?" He asked, happy as a punctured Tobi with pixi stix.

Zetsu surveyed the cactus for a moment. "Phoebe."

"You can't!" Tobi whined.

"Why not?" Zetsu asked, eyeing Tobi with annoyance.

"It's a _boy_ cactus!" Tobi insisted.

The _boy_ cactus was later named Spike. Also, Tobi later revealed that he had actually lined the inside of his shirt with ketchup packets before hugging the cactus, so he was just fine.

* * *

Other than that, life was virtually peaceful. Until, of course, _that_ day. Quite possibly the worst day of my whole life. It started off good, of course, as disaster plots always do. Then it got way better really quickly. And then, at the peak of joy and sunshine and rainbows, reality crashed around us, released the flood gates, and I drowned in despair.

Nothing had happened between me and Pein for a few days. We had no time alone together and hardly any time between work and sleep to even exchange a few words. On the beach, someone was always close enough to hear our conversations now and I think they were on to us. It was almost two weeks before we were able to talk to each other without any prying ears. Otherwise, it was loaded glances and public conversations with double meanings.

Hidan had wandered off to explain Jashinism to some fangirls who were only feigning interest because he was so hot. Kisame, who'd been caught in his shark act by Pablo the day before, was refusing to play shark again and was instead moping in a corner. Because he wasn't scaring tourists, tourists weren't on the boardwalk and the shop was almost empty of customers which had put Kakuzu in a foul mood; he was in the back tattooing the only tatto customer of the day. Tobi was posing outside the shop. Itachi was reading a book. And the rest had wandered back to the beach. Pein, bound to his shop, had no piercings to administer and instead chose to lean against my cashier's counter.

"I think we should tell them." He whispered, not looking at me.

"It was your idea to keep it a secret in the first place." I reminded him, knowing immediately he was talking about our relationship.

He sighed heavily and took Hidan's seat beside me. "I know, but if they knew we were together, we'd be able to go on dates all the time and we wouldn't have to sneak around!" He whispered in a dream-like state, imagining it. His hand found mine under the table and he squeezed.

I could see it too. I could date him and kiss him all the time and not have a fear in the world because he would be beside me and everybody would know. I wanted that so bad. "That's… so sweet." I whispered back at him.

"Awesome, we'll tell them tonight." Pein said excitedly and then slid out of the chair, flawlessly, right when Kakuzu emerged from the back with another satisfied customer, now sporting some foreign language across his bare back. He paid and left while Kakuzu yawned, bored.

"What're you two talking about?" He asked Pein and I, not really caring about the answer.

"Nothing." We smiled and dispersed.

Finally, later that night, when the shop closed, we were way too lazy to even go upstairs. Everybody was here now. I wondered how Pein wanted to break the news.

He seemed unconcerned about how he was going to do it however. He just sat on the counter, looked out at all of us, standing around, and said, quite clearly: "I have an announcement to make."

Some grumbled, just wanting to sleep now.

"I'm in love with Sakura." He declared, pointing directly at me.

"What?!" They demanded, in absolute shock. Was it really that surprising? We'd been all buddy-buddy recently and everything.

"Let me finish." Pein waved off their incoming complaints. "Sakura," he said, turning those eyes of his on me. "I love you."

I nodded, too entranced to be terribly loquacious. He said 'love'. I knew the piercings were a good idea!

"I know we've only known each other for about six weeks now, but I love you so much that I don't want this to just be some summer romance or something like that. I never want to lose you." He pressed on as I blushed more and more. "I want us to be official. I know we're young and crazy and stupid, but I love that about us." He smiled, hopping up from his seat on the counter to face me fully and he got down on one fucking knee. From his pocket he pulled a velvet, black jewelry box and held it out to me. I think I'm about to die. This can't be happening, right? This ISN'T POSSIBLE!

"So, please, Sakura," He went on while I nearly died from trying to not freak out on the outside. On the inside, I was having a seizure and a heart attack all at once. "Will you marry me?" He asked. He popped the question. THE question. And he opened the jewlery box to reveal a single silver band with two symbols engraved on it: a less than sign and a 3, thus forming a heart. "On facebook." He clarified.

--

_A/N: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA zomfg, I love you, Pein. Btw, this is before the disaster. Which is next chapter. I've been dropping hints EVERYWHERE though, so I don't think you'll be very surprised. It was kind of granted. Okay! No more hints! XD I hope at least some people are surprised by the disaster though._

_Also, Tobi is currently married to Sakura on facebook. Wonder how he'll react?_

_Pein's ring for Sakura can be found (and purchased if you want) on ShanaLogic. Add a 'dot com' or just google it. It's an awesome website._

_Question for reviewers__: Can you give me a reason to update? That is, can you threaten me? I need a few good death threats for next chapter (death threats are going to be flying everywhere. It's going to be a death-threat-a-palooza) so, PLEASE, THREATEN ME! Tell me, in graphic (but not__ too__ graphic) details how you'll kill me if I don't update. Please? I'll love you forever. Best death threats get to be in the story! (I'm normally the queen of death threats, so I look forward to your ideas!)_


	31. Don't Make Me Go Emo

_I'm soooo sorry this took longer than usual to post, everybody! I loved the death threats but if anybody's in high school, you've probably heard. AP EXAMS (Yes, I'm secretly a nerd who takes AP classes). Ugh, I had two. AND ON THE SAME DAY!!_

_Normally your threats would have been enough incentive to make me update rather than study but my mother countered with the ultimate threat. Either I get fives on my AP exams, or I have to pay for them. They're eighty-six dollars each. Sorry, everybody, but I'm a lot like Kakuzu. Money is life._

_However, they are over and done with now. Since I've successfully completed the shoving of both United States and European History down my throat, I can shove some Scrumdidileeumptious crap down yours. I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON IT, YOU GREEDY WHORES! Haha, jk, I'd never say that because I'm way too grateful for the reviews!_

_May puppies and hamsters alike FLY!_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, the Akatsuki, the boardwalk, California (so sad), any bands mentioned, songs, or Waldo (he now belongs to Liz, my Amish friend). I do own Sasori's iPod though, his name is Billie. I don't own the death threats that are about to be used though. The disclaimer guide for them will be at the bottom._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 31**

**Don't Make Me Go Emo**

"Noooo!" Tobi cried dramatically, throwing himself between Pein and I, stretching his arms out like he was protecting me from the dastardly ring. "She's _my_ facebook wife!" He sobbed. "Don't you see her Ninja Pirate Bunny necklace! I gave that to her when _we_ got married on facebook!" He pointed dramatically at my neck, where said necklace hung. (_A/N: The Ninja Pirate Bunny necklace is available for purchase from ShanaLogic, too. Yeah for advertising!)_

Pein stood up again. He towered over Tobi. "Look, Tobi, we're already dating so it's not really up for discussion. I'm just trying to make it official here." Pein explained. Something in his eyes seemed to remind Tobi that Pein was the leader and so he backed down quicker than I would have thought possible.

Tobi pouted and was shoved out of the way by Deidara. "You're dating, un?!" He demanded, sounding appalled and pissed all at once.

I chanced a look at Itachi out of the corner of my eye, wondering if could explain the shock. Pein and I hadn't really been hiding it all that well; we'd been hanging out and talking a lot, so the shock was unneeded. Itachi was just pinching the bridge of his nose and shaking his head.

He was so not going to be helpful.

"You sick bastard!" Hidan joined in Deidara's anger. "That's disgusting!"

"What's so disgusting?" Pein and I asked in unison calmly, trying to calm them down too, and cocking our heads to the side innocently.

"Oh, my Jashin!" Hidan explained, throwing his hands in the air when he looked at our faces.

Deidara sighed heavily. "Somebody please explain to them, un." He muttered, walking away looking very tired of this whole ordeal.

Zetsu volunteered, carrying Spike with him. He suddenly glared and knocked Pein over the head with the large cactus. "She's a freshman!" He yelled at Pein.

Pein recovered from the blow to the head quickly and blinked away stars. He glared at Zetsu. "She's a freshman? That's not… too much younger than me…"

Wait… was this about age? Come to think of it, how old _is_ Pein? He didn't look any older than the other boy, however. But, then again, he did run his own shop with Kakuzu (who handled the financial aspect of everything). I'd just figured he was a drop out…

_So… wait… how old is Pein?_

Itachi looked up and pointed at me. "This occurs to you _now?!_" He asked angrily.

Kisame shook his head at Pein's confused, innocent, _**sexy**_ face. He suddenly seized my… boyfriend?... by the shoulders and shook him vigorously. "Not a freshman in _college_, you dolt! A freshman in _high school! _She's FIFTEEN, you _sick_ bastard!" He screamed in Pein's face.

Pein went white, or at least whiter. It didn't have the same effect as it did when Kisame did it. He gulped. "No way." He whispered, looking ashen now.

"Wait…" I finally spoke up. "I'm fifteen, but how old are you?" I asked him quietly. Oh, God, this could be bad. Why didn't I think about this before?!

Pein looked at me in horror. It wasn't a pretty sight, and I didn't like him looking at me like that. The others were all seventeen or eighteen, I already knew that but exactly how old are Pein and Kakuzu? I'd never asked. I'd never even thought to ask. Oh, God, this was turning into a disaster. He'd already said that a freshman in college wasn't too much younger than him and I'm four years younger than that. Oh, God, this is going to be bad, isn't it?

"I'm twenty-five." He finally muttered, not meeting my eyes.

_**Oh, fuck.**_

Ten years. Ten whole fucking years! This is what Itachi and Konan had been warning me about?

"No." I said simply, pursing my lips. "Not possible."

Pein sighed at how I was being difficult and pulled his wallet out of this back pocket. He handed it to me. His ID boasted his legitimate birthday, the year being twenty-five years ago.

_**OH, FUCK!!!**_

I swayed where I stood. Pein caught me before I could faint and hit the floor. "Are you okay?" He asked.

_**No!**_

"Of course I'm not okay. You just gave me, like, the shocker of the century!" I fumed.

(_A/N: Sakura means 'the shocker' as in something shocking. When the boys hear this, they take it she means The Shocker, which is a lewd… thing… you do to a girl during sex. I'm not going into details here. Google it if you really don't care about preserving your innocence. Sakura did not mean it like that.)_

"OH, MY GOD, NO!" Kisame yelled.

"YOU SICK FUCKING FREAK!" Hidan screamed at Pein.

"That's so wrong…" Tobi whispered, looking sickened.

"Ew," Kakuzu simply said.

"I SWEAR TO GOD, I DIDN'T DO THAT!" Pein defended himself desperately, letting go of me to hold his hands in the air.

Sasori was already pointing his paintball gun at Pein. Forlorn, I left them to their antics, feeling strangely empty rather than amused by the gun shots. I climbed up the stairs and face planted into the couch. Bonbon, probably realizing I wasn't here to play with her, hopped onto my back and turned until she laid down in a ball, purring so deeply that I felt it.

Soon, I was lulled by her purring into a place where all I could do was think. And, God, did I have to think.

There were so many things wrong with everything that had just happened.

First of all, this was the second guy that was way too old for me that took the liberty to shove his tongue down his throat. Granted, Pein was a major improvement over Orochimaru, it was still disturbing. Mostly because I had enjoyed it.

Second, I was sad. I was supposed to be slut girl, right. Use 'em and loose 'em and all that right? What else could explain my kiss-slutty-ness that I'd exhibited since my parents death? So we had made out. I'd made out with everybody except Deidara, Kakuzu, and Tobi, who'd only kissed me in a totally tongue-free way. If any other one of the guys had revealed such a horrifying secret, wouldn't I just brush it off and secretly feel proud I'd enticed an older man? Isn't that what I, as a teenage girl, should be like? But I hadn't liked Pein like I liked the others.

I stood by, firmly, my declaration of love for every single one of them. The video of said confession had also been posted on YouTube and facebook for future reference as well. But with Pein it felt different. In a wholly more intense way. I loved him all right. I purposely said things that I knew would make him laugh, especially in front of other people because he acted stoic around strangers until I made him laugh. And when he did smile that smile that made his nose crinkle and his piercings push closer together, I felt this tugging deep on my insides. My stomach dropped and my heart did this thing that was so overly cliché that I shall not subject you to it via analogy at this time.

Okay, fine, it fluttered.

It fucking fluttered! And it shouldn't flutter!

And you know why?!

BECAUSE HE'S TWENTY-FUCKING-FIVE YEARS OLD!!

That's why!

I reiterate: WRONG.

Why couldn't I just be made of stone? Why couldn't I just not care and kiss hot guys without strings attached? Why can't I be a proper slut? Why'd I have to be all lovey-dovey and all this emotional bullshit?

I resolved myself to forget about him. To absolutely, completely, and totally kill my feelings for him. And I couldn't just sweep them under the rug like I'd done to Deidara the second Pein had waltzed/attempted-to-mug-me into my life. I needed serious reflection time. And I knew what that meant. No more making out with boys I wasn't dating.

Inner Sakura pouted.

I knew it had to be done. I needed time to get over Pein. Serious time. Already I felt about ready to cry. Not only because I'm a stupid fuck but also because I _really_ liked him! And it didn't seem like that cry-for-eternity feeling was going away any time soon. So I really needed to drag in my feelings for him, throw them into a barber chair, and go all Sweeny Todd on their asses (1). Or maybe drag them to a decrepit building, rip off their nails, stab them repeatedly, cut off their tongue so they can't whisper Pein-related things to me anymore, and then blow up the support beams of the building so they are buried forever in the rubble as I cackled madly and cried "Take that, FEELINGS!" (2).

And until that was done, no making out with the others because that's more of suffocating my feelings than dealing with them. Which was so not fair.

But, lastly, buried under all these feelings and now tainted memories of Pein was a need. A very strong need. I wanted, very, very much to talk. To talk to the one person I'd ever known who'd completely and totally accept me, stupid-slut and all. I hadn't felt like this in such a long time. I'd forgotten how utterly painful it was. The only thing I wanted to do, right at that moment, was cry on my mother's shoulder. The fact that I couldn't was making me even more mopey.

God dammit, Pein was making me go emo!

No!

I would absolutely not, never, ever, ever go emo!

I have _pink_ hair, for Jashin's sake! I can't _do_ emo. There is _way_ too much brooding and accessorizing involved! (No offense to any emos out there)

I sat up suddenly, which pissed Bonbon off, but I didn't care. With eyes alight with fire, I fought off the depression the only way I knew how. "It's time to bake!" I declared to absolutely no one, and fist pumped.

Maybe I wasn't turning emo. Maybe I was getting psycho.

Night descended and the marine layer pressed heavier than usual. Soon, I heard the pitter patter of rain. It was odd, and slightly depressing, but I looked on the bright side, which was the only side I would allow myself to see at the moment. Southern California's perpetual state of drought was momentarily paused. Those wild fires in the Sierra Nevada's might die down quicker now. And, HAH! TAKE THAT, ARSONISTS!

(_A/N: Southern California is almost always plagued by wild fires because there is so much dry brush and the fires are often caused by arsonists.)_

Then I remembered Deidara and apologized silently.

I just kept humming to Waldo, playing LFO on the iHome, and baking. Soon, there were brownies and cakes and cookies and cupcakes and assorted other pastries all over the place. I even made French toast. Soon, I was venturing into unknown territory. A soufflé. You see it all the time in cartoons. If you're too loud, the soufflé will fall. So while it baked, I stood at the door of the oven, glaring at it through the window.

"Come on, bitch, _rise_. Rise, or I'm pushing you into a manhole and screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" at you." I threatened the completely unresponsive soufflé. (3)

I sighed. So, the soufflé was going to be difficult, eh?

"Look, rise, or I'm stabbing you in the eyeballs with pencils, clawing you up with a spork, and ripping off your face with my teeth." I threatened. (4)

"I'm pretty sure the soufflé doesn't have any eyeballs for you to stab…" Pein's baritone floated into the kitchen sarcastically.

I looked up surprised and embarrassed (half because he was ten years older than me and we made out and half because he caught me threatening a soufflé). He was leaning casually against the door frame, arms crossed.

"And furthermore," He shrugged off the wall, eyes closed in exasperation. "Wouldn't clawing at it with a spork and ripping off its face with your teeth simply be called _eating_ it?" He asked.

I couldn't help giggling. Damn him for mocking me. "Well the bitch won't rise."

Pein didn't respond, and just looked at me for a while. I turned away from him huffily to continue glaring at my still deflated looking soufflé. "I'm sorry." He finally said.

I looked up at him with a face that clearly said 'I know, but I can't forget about it that easily.'

He sighed. "In my defense, you don't look like a fifteen year old at _all_."

"Nor do you look like an adult. Not one little bit." I admitted, sounding petulant.

Pein got sick of the way I was refusing to look at him. He crouched down on the floor next to me, in front of the oven. "Sakura."

I sighed, knowing he wasn't going to give up on this half-assed apology anytime soon. However, him trying so hard eased my guilt. It was really both our faults for being such idiots, but he was older, and thus his duty to shoulder the blame. Feeling itchy under his unique gaze, I finally turned to look at him. He looked like a kicked puppy.

And I got it. I really did. He'd liked me too. This was as hard for me as it was for him. It was like we'd both been dumped, instead of one of us dumping the other. So his life was sucking at the moment too.

"Can't we just start over? Begin again?" Pein asked, smiling nervously because he knew how chick-flick-y that sounded.

"I don't have any money on me, sorry." I said straight-faced.

It took him a minute to remember that at the 'beginning', he'd been trying to mug me in a women's restroom. When he did remember though, he fell over laughing.

I smiled, remembering why I liked him so much. I gave in. "I don't know how to start over." I admitted sadly when he calmed down.

After laughing so much, his stomach hurt too much to stand again, so he just lay there, sprawled on his kitchen floor. "Neither do I," he admitted. "Not after everything that's happened."

"We only went on one date." I reminded him testily, although I agreed.

"Yeah," he agreed, "but it was a really a good date."

I smirked. How could he possibly be twenty-five? "I guess we could try, but do you seriously think it'll work?" I asked him skeptically.

"As long as you start looking less attractive." Pein smiled up at the ceiling.

"_Excuse me?_" I asked him.

"Even if you're ten years younger than me, I still have the right to say you're hot, okay? It's just a simple fact. So if we're going to make this whole not-sexual-and-thus-not-illegal thing work between us, you're going to need to stop jumping off the balcony into the pool, and coming back wet, okay?" Pein laughed.

"I do _not_ jump off the balcony, if you remember properly," I reminded him, waving my finger and putting my nose in the air, offended.

"Plus, you're going to have to resist me. I know I'm sexy, but you'll have to keep your drool in check and avoid staring at me for too long." Pein said, flattering himself in jest.

I scoffed. "What_ever._"

Pein just smiled.

I turned back to my soufflé in the oven. Slowly it began to rise. "This is going to work."

"Uh-huh." Pein responded.

"Awww! You two are friends again!" Temari cooed from the doorway.

I hadn't even seen her come in.

"Now get the hell out of here, Pein." Konan appeared, jutting her thumb over her shoulder and glaring at her cousin.

"What's going on?" I asked quizzically, while Pein complied with Konan's orders and left.

"Tobi called to cry about how we had to save you from the depression you went into when you found out about Pein's age." Konan said. "I would have told you forever ago, but I assumed you already knew and thought you were just trying to make it work."

"And when we heard you were going emo, we were worried it'd be irreversible and you'd end up with Sasuke." Temari shuddered. "So we figured that after all this bullshit, you'd need some girl-time."

"Plus," Konan continued. "We see you've already prepared the snacks." She eyed the food I'd baked hungrily.

I rolled my eyes. So Konan really wasn't an ice princess. "Girl time?" I raised an eyebrow.

Temari grinned crazily. "Ta-da!" She cried, striking a pose and hold out three movie tickets. "Movie time!"

"They're for _A Nightmare on Elm Street_." Konan elaborated.

I smiled at how not-girly these girls were. "Sounds cheery." I said, heavy on the sarcasm.

"I know, right?!" Konan and Temari chorused happily, sounding completely serious.

_These girls…_

_**ARE AWESOME!**_

I just laughed under my breath.

"Okay, when are they for?" I asked.

"Ten minutes!" Temari cheered, turning on her heel and marching away.

I rolled my eyes again and just followed behind her and Konan outside. "Who's driving?" I asked as we walked off the boardwalk and onto the residential street.

"No driving." Konan stated blandly. "Because it's raining, the streets are really slick with oil. This _is_ southern California, after all."

(_A/N: In California, it rains so infrequently, that oil really is baked onto the roads and when it _does_ rain, the streets are SUPER slick, so driving becomes a hazard. Plus, west coasters are generally described as… not the best drivers, shall we say?)_

I shrugged it off and we began walking the couple blocks to the movie theatre.

"So, how are you taking the break-up?" Temari asked me.

I sighed lightly, with a small smile. "Okay, I guess." I admitted. "At first, I was feeling pretty catatonic, but then me and Pein talked and now I feel…" I paused in the middle of the street, contemplating the right words. "I feel good."

And that's when it hit me.

And no, I do not mean like an epiphany.

It was probably because the rain had made the roads slick. Perhaps that I hadn't really been looking when I'd paused in the middle of that street. Maybe because the driver couldn't see around the untrimmed bush on the corner he was turning. A combination of the three, I guess.

But despite the fact that I think I've gone through enough crap for a lifetime, it hit me.

And, like I said, it wasn't the epiphany kind of 'hit me'.

It was the giant ambulance (_**'An ambulance. How… ironic,'**_ was the last thing I remember Inner Sakura thinking) barreling around the corner at a speed not normally acceptable here, in a school zone, kind of 'hit me' right when I said "I feel good."

And let me tell you this:

Being hit by an ambulance does _not_ feel good.

_-END CHAPTER-_

_Death Threats guide (thanks again everybody. I'm sorry if yours didn't make it in. Doesn't mean it wasn't good, just means it didn't exactly fit. Sorry! Please review anyway!):_

_(1) This threat provided by 'riia luvs anime' (anonymous reviewer)_

_(2) This threat provided by __Zuckaiy__._

_(3) This threat provided by __Windsical__._

_(4) This threat provided by __ManaMagic__._

_Death threats used were edited to fit in the story better. Sorry, I toke some creative license on them. Hope you didn't mind…_

_Again, thanks for all the threats, everybody! Some were a little… graphic… I LOVED EM!_

_Also, a lot of good threats didn't make it in. I'm sorry! There were so many good ones that made me cry when I read them on the computer in my school's library!_

_Also, plot-hole explained: Yes, Sakura said whe was fifteen on the video tape of her confession that Pein watched so he SHOULD have known how old she was. Please don't point it out to me, I already know, and I was already plotting this whole ten-year difference back then. Why he didn't realize will be EXPLAINED IN A FUTURE CHAPTER. MOST LIKELY THE NEXT ONE. So, please, don't yell at me?_

_PLEASE REVIEW!_

_Oh, and, sorry for the cliffie… PLEASE DON'T PUT YOUR DEATH THREATS INTO ACTION! I DUN WANNA DIE!!_


	32. Mothafucka

_Oh, this is going to be a fun chappy to write. Muahahahahahaha!_

_Disclaimer: Don't own characters or threats. Just borrowing them briefly._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 32**

**Mothafucka**

I didn't even see it coming.

There isn't really a good analogy to explain what it felt like. A ton of bricks would normally fall from above, right? Not come careening around a corner and barreling painfully into your side. So I'm sorry for all you curious people out there, but being hit by an ambulance simply feels like…

… you just got fucking hit by an ambulance.

And if you're going to be hit by something, I guess it might as well be an ambulance. Not only does it make a good story but, also, then the ambulance is RIGHT FUCKING THERE. Which is _so_ convenient. Because after hitting me, the very same ambulance drove me to the hospital.

Of course, I'd rather not be hit by anything at all, but seeing as I'm plagued by misfortune, I guess this is the best it gets, huh?

Temari was one of those people that acts all calm cool and collected and the second her friend gets hit by an ambulance she has a total freak out. She called EVERYONE. Was it really such a big deal? Oh, wait… I guess it is…

I was, apparently, unconscious for a few hours. It was weird. Like, even though I was comatose, I had a dream. Really, it was more like a memory. Dreaming about the past makes me feel very old. It was strange, really. Very simple but it felt meaningful somehow. It wasn't like I saw it in sepia tones or something. It felt as if I was living it all over again.

I had been in a fight with my mom. I can't remember for the life of me what it was about, but I ended up crawling out of that window in my room and sitting behind the house for hours. I was, oh, around twelve or thirteen, I think.

And it was at that moment, around dusk, that I heard something in the trees.

I, in all my cowardly glory, was scared but also too stubborn to go back inside and I ran around to the front of the house instead and sat on the stoop.

Shortly after, my father arrived home. He parked his compact car in the driveway and then got a large case of beer out of the trunk. As he walked past me, into the house, I asked him something I'd wanted to know since the day I learned what beer was.

"Daddy, why do you drink so much?"

It had come out wrong. I'd meant to ask him why he couldn't go through life sober. Was the world so terrible that he couldn't stand to have to remember it the next morning?

He gave me this look.

"Because life is cruel." He'd said.

And he walked into the house without a second glance. It was over and done with. A simple, boring anecdote. So, _why_ could I never forget that look?

I remember thinking that the world must be a truly frightening place.

When I woke up, clothed only in one of those stupid hospital 'gowns' (_**Bullshit pieces of tissue paper that show off your ass and rub in all the wrong ways. If this is a gown, then I'm a brunette.**_), not only were Temari and Konan there, but also all the guys, Kankuro, Gaara, and Naruto. Thankfully, Sasuke had not come. After Temari's 'emo couple' comment, I don't think I could have seen him without shivering in disgust at the thought.

I didn't open my eyes at first, just listened and heard all their voices, chatting quietly.

I felt an IV in the crook of my elbow. There were cold packs pressed against my side. My abdomen felt wrapped, like it had been covered recently with lots and lots of constricting bandages. Now I knew what Chinese women's feet felt like. It sucks.

My head felt warm in some places, especially around my left eye, at the hair line. I guessed that those were cuts and possibly a nasty gash. My left arm wasn't lowered onto the cool sheets of the hospital bed, I could tell, but instead cradled in some gauze. My left leg was also wrapped similarly. I assumed that this was to be expected since the ambulance had hit me from the left.

I didn't feel like I'd broken anything.

Although, that may be the pain killers talking.

Okay, so if my body is more or less okay, how's my memory. I'm Sakura Haruno, fifteen, high school student, cashier girl at the Rinnegan, local kiss-slut… It's July, Zetsu has a cactus named Spike, Tobi has a kitten named Bonbon. Itachi has mind reading powers. Pein is off-limits because he turned into an old man…

And then I battled briefly with The Emo before coming out on the other side, healthy, happy, and surrounded by freshly baked desserts before being hit by an ambulance.

Then I smelled it.

My food.

And more importantly…

I smelt my soufflé.

I opened my eyes and saw that they had brought everything I had baked and none of it was eaten yet. Were they waiting for me to wake up?

And there was my soufflé. Sitting innocently and perfectly inflated on the bedside table, surrounded by its baked good buddies.

"It has risen!" I yelled in victory, sitting bolt upright and pumping both my fists into the air. Everyone turned in shock to see me awake just in time to see my soufflé deflate with a fart sound in the face of my sudden outburst. The Emo was back. I rolled into a ball, surrounded by my own cloud of depression, and innocently traced circles on the sheets. I gave an almighty sniff. "Just kill me. Please."

"You're awake!" Sasori yelled stupidly.

"Sakura! Tobi was so worried! Tobi was worried his facebook wench was gonna die!" Tobi declared, waving his hands frantically, overcome by emotion. He really needs to put his facebook language back to English. Having it in pirate language was starting to piss me off…

"Soufflé went _poot." _I said sadly, making a raspberry sound.

"Did you suffer a head injury when you got hit by the ambulance, un?" Deidara asked sarcastically.

I looked over my shoulder to glare at him. "No." I pouted angrily.

He smirked at me. "Really, un? No memory loss, un?"

"You're Deidara." I stated to prove my memory was intact. "The 'artist.'" I stated to prove I wasn't going to take his crap today and put air quotes around 'artist'.

"Hey, un!" He yeled, pointing at me, very angry in comparison to my apathy. "What's with the air quotes, un?"

Sasori stepped in pointedly. "I made you this get well card, Sakura." He said, handing me a card.

"Aw, thank you, Sasori." I smiled with extra appreciative teary eyes. "You're such a _good artist." _I added pointedly, looking at Deidara.

Deidara's eyes turned into sad saucers, and he froze in shock. Then, slowly, he slunk into the corner to grow mushrooms, fertilizing them with his depression.

I turned my attention on Sasori's card. On the cover was a rather… _too_ realistic painting of me being hit by an ambulance. Inside it said a generic 'get well soon'.

"Clever," I told Sasori with an insane amount of sarcasm.

"Yeah," Sasori smiled, nodding in self-satisfaction. "You're welcome."

I rolled my eyes and started nibbling on a brownie. "I can't believe I got hit by a freakin' ambulance."

"Meow." Bonbon agreed.

"Hey, Pein?" I called to Pein who was leaning on the wall across my private room, talking quietly with Kakuzu.

"Yeah?" He asked, looking over at me.

I paused and smiled evilly. "Fear my pain killers!" I screamed at him, waving my morphine pack that was attached to my IV tube at him.

Pein just looked bored. "That pun as been made so many times that it doesn't even bother me anymore." He informed me apathetically even though Hidan and Kisame were laughing so hard I thought that _they_ might need medical attention.

"No fun." I huffed and glared at him.

"How did I not realize you were fifteen?" Pein further insulted me by asking that to no one in particular.

"I don't know, I said I was fifteen on the confession tape." I glared at him angrily.

"He was too busy singing your name over and over in his head to the tune of _La Cucaracha_ to hear most of the tape." Itachi explained apathetically, no doubt sickened by Pein's brain.

"Oh! You're awake!" A nurse filing past the door exclaimed.

"Aw, crap, we have to go now." Sasori glared.

"Why?" I asked.

"Police want to interview all of us, un." Deidara elaborated. "We told them we'd talk once you were awake."

"Okay, boys and girls, besides the pink one, it's time for your interrogation." A cop, one of those ones that think he's all young and cool and down with the gangstas and shit like that when he's NOT.

Besides, he called 'the pink one'.

Really?

WTF?

"Bye, Sakura!" Tobi cheered, skipping out while the other just walked out like normal people.

When they were gone a twenty-something guy with glasses and hair tied in a pony tail, the same silver shade as Hidan's popped his head in. "Mind if I keep you company?" He asked.

"Uh, okay…" I agreed, slightly wierded out. "I'm Sakura."

"Kabuto Yakushi." He said, smiling as he took the seat beside my bed.

He was wearing an EMT outfit and immediately picked up one of my snickedoodles and began eating it without asking. I was sort of angered by that but brushed it off since we just met. "I was driving the ambulance that hit you."

"Really?" I asked, not knowing exactly what to say to that. It wasn't like I was just going to forgive him without a legitimate apology.

"I thought for sure I had killed you." He mused. "Yet here you are." And he smiled this supremely creepy smile that seemed rueful.

Like he wasn't happy I'd lived at all.

"Well, I'm a bit tougher than my pink hair would like you to think." I told him, with a little bit of angry sarcasm.

"So, I heard from your friends you're an orphan." He continued as if I didn't really exist. "And, as such, you can't afford quality health insurance."

"Err…" I hesitated. I didn't like it when strangers were _that_ into my business.

"Since I hit you with an ambulance, I guess it's only fair for me to pay your medical expenses." Kabuto went on.

_**YOU 'GUESS'? YOU BETTER FUCKING PAY, BITCH!**_

"Well, that's nice of you." I smiled, not seeming even remotely sincere. Most likely because I liked this douche less and less with every passing second.

He picked up a cupcake after only eating half of the snickerdoodle.

_**I really want to kill this guy.**_

"Yes it is." Kabuto agreed.

_**I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL HIM!**_

He took a bite of the cup cake, made a face, and set it down.

_**OH, HELL TO THE FUCKING NO. I AM SOOOO GOING TO JASHIN SACRAFICE HIS ASS!**_

"Anyway, we should probably exchange information in case any bills are sent to the wrong address or something like that." He went on, picking up a brownie.

"Um, okay." I agreed, trying my very best to not punch him in the face when he spit a bite of the brownie out into the trashcan.

_**Mothafucka.**_

Kabuto handed me a piece of paper and a pen while he wiped his mouth, looking about ready to vomit. And, honestly, they were epic win brownies, he's just a jerk.

I wrote down the address of Pein's shop and then Temari's for good measure before handing it back to him.

"Thanks," he smiled and took it from me. "Please excuse me while I vomit. I'll see you around." And with that, he scurried away.

_**What a bitch.**_

I didn't realize that he hadn't given me his address.

Later, everyone returned to see I had eaten just about everything (fuck what Kabuto thinks, it was _awesome_ food).

"Okay," my very own specialized doctor chirped. "We'd like to keep you overnight for observation. If all goes well, you'll be free to go in the morning."

I wasn't ecstatic at the idea of staying all night in the hospital. Temari, Gaara, Kankuro, and Naruto went home around dinner time but the boys and Konan stayed faithfully with me.

Around eleven, we were growing restless.

Hyped up on the sugar from the treats was making us too antsy to fall asleep.

"Y'know," Zetsu said, smiling one of his rare smiles as the bottle of blackberry wine continued around the room. "I think we need to go surfing, being in southern California and all."

"Fucking AGREED!" Hidan fist pumped weakly, more than a little buzzed.

"We're in a hospital," Mr. buzz kill Kisame reminded us.

"What are we going to surf on?" Konan asked eagerly.

Sasori and Deidara looked at each other and then at all of us. "Gurneys," they said in unison, only Deidara added his traditional 'un'.

"You guys are so immature," Pein said, dressed entirely in stolen scrubs he'd found in the hospital and coloring in a coloring book he'd stolen from the pediatric center.

"As long as we don't get fined." Kakuzu was on board, standing up and swaying. He'd consumed at least four beers since we got here.

We each got a gurney, you know, those rolling bed things, from abandoned rooms, went into the hallway, and in the dimmed lights of the hospital by night, we drunkenly stood atop them and rolled down the hall at high speed belting out "SURFIN' U.S.A.~"

One problem:

Stairs.

"Really?" I asked them judgmentally.

"You didn't even think of bailing before the stair case?" Konan shook her head at them, both of us looking from the top of the stairs at all nine boys in a messy pile at the foot of the stairs with nine gurneys. Idiots…

The next day, Temari returned to see us home. The hospital was close by, so we walked home together with Konan while the boys drove. Pein still had that minivan…

"Wow, it's like it never happened." I said as we approached the faithful intersection I'd been hit at.

"It's really a miracle nothing was broken," Temari commented, eyeing my bumps and bruises.

"Yeah, you should have seen yourself!" Konan piped up happily. "It was like WHAM! And then like WOWowowoWOwoWOW!" She demonstrated by bending over oddly and turning around and waving her arms all over the place. I worry about her mental condition sometimes.

"I was kind of hoping it'd be taped off or something, hard evidence that I got hit by an ambulance." I muttered, all three of us passing that stupid bush on the corner that I assumed was the reason Kabuto hadn't seen me. "Really, because of this stupid goddamn bush, Kabuto couldn't see me. That's why I got hit when he turned the corner. Owners should trim it."

"What are you talking about?" Temari asked me, raising a skeptical eyebrow as if she was worried about _my _mental condition.

"This bush on the corner." I said, pointing offending at the overgrown shrub. "Since Kabuto was coming around this corner, he couldn't see around the bush to notice I was here. I mean, even in the rain, it's hard to miss a pink haired girl in the middle of the road under a streetlight without a giant bush in the way."

"But…" Temari began.

"Kabuto came from the other direction." Konan stated, pointing to the tire tracks skidding around the opposite corner with this 'UH-DUH' look on her face.

And then, suddenly it clicked for all three of us.

"Which means…" Konan whispered.

"He probably hit you on purpose…" Temari concluded in a surprised undertone.

"Mothafucka…" I whispered.

-end chapter-

_A/N: What's that smell? OH MY FUCKING JASHIN, IT'S THE STENCH OF A PLOT LINE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

_Ahem, anyway, thanks for reading and please review!_

_Question of the week for reviewers: Do you like/obsessively-read yaoi fics?_

_Mission to all who read: go on google, type in 'limerwire LOL' and click 'I'm feeling Lucky'. Just do it._


	33. Pandas Hate Sex but I Love Rainbows

_Disclaimer: …nope_

_Warning: There's some Gaara-bashing in this chapter. And no, not the I-hate-Gaara kind of bashing, because I personally LOVE Gaara, but more of the Gaara sort of gets in a fight bashing. But, don't worry, we won't hurt his rapeable face! NEVAH!_

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 33**

**Pandas Hate Sex but I Love Rainbows**

Nostalgia had never been so nauseating as when, as soon as I said that, I had this disgusting, Orochimaru's-creepin-on-you feeling. Only, now, it was Kabuto.

_What am I, a creeper magnet?_

_**Yup, pretty much.**_

"Are you sure you guys aren't speculating too much? I mean, why would he want to hit me with his ambulance?" I asked them nervously, not wanting to believe that I had to stab off _another _man's penis. Sure, it was fun, but, really, such a hassle.

"Maybe he's just another homicidal maniac?" Temari suggested, shrugging as we walked on towards the boardwalk and Pein's shop.

"Or maybe he saw your pink hair and the bubblegum color really pissed him off?" Konan asked darkly.

I gave her my best 'oh noes' face. She knew I was sensitive about my hair color.

Konan just smiled back at me. I glared at her and, soon enough, walked into a car since I wasn't watching where I was going. Temari and Konan laughed. They seriously laughed so hard that they collapsed together on the sidewalk while I stood up, trying to regain as much composure as possible and failing pretty miserably. I really am just made of fail this week, huh?

I pouted and hustled on to the shop and they reluctantly followed me, gasping from air after laughing so hard. I smirked, throwing myself into Kisame's arms and told him to beat the girls up for making fun of me. Kisame liked my forced hug, so he went along with the joke, throwing both of them off the balcony and into the hotel pool next door.

We were so ignorant to what was happening outside of our little world.

3RD PERSON P.O.V.

"How'd it go?" were the first three words that left his mouth. He sat on the other side of the bulletproof glass on an uncomfortable stool in an orange prison jumpsuit and the first thing he says the second he picks up the receiver is 'How'd it go?'

A boy, in comparison to the fifty-year-old convict at least, on the freeman's side of the glass smirked and his glasses glinted in the fluorescent lighting. He was, in actuality, all too pleased to see the prisoner in such good shape. He noted, with sick joy, that his black hair was still sleek and shiny as it flowed over his shoulders, his eyes still full of merciless hatred, and his skin that same washed out, burn-victim shade.

He wasn't looking forward to breaking bad news to the man.

Yet, still, he sighed and let it spill. "She's alive."

It was like code. "She's alive," to both of them, really meant "the stupid pink bitch lived through me crashing my ambulance into her." But, as they both knew, this was prison and they didn't need any more trouble so code was needed.

"Kabuto…" The convict hissed under his breath in a most dangerous tone.

"I did it, Orochimaru," Kabuto defended himself hastily. "It's just that, somehow, she's unharmed. Just a few bruises."

"That bitch," Orochimaru swore. "So you've failed is what you're saying?" He asked Kabuto over the phone, meeting his gaze through the glass that separated them.

Kabuto was silent for a moment, just gazing helplessly into Orochimaru's golden eyes. "I got her address…" He offered pathetically, for once glad that Orochimaru was in prison and, therefore, couldn't strangle him for failing the hit.

Orochimaru paused to consider this. Then, deviously, an evil plan came to him. His grey skin stretched oddly as he smiled widely. He had a new plan for the bitch that had forced him in here.

SAKURA'S P.O.V.

Strange things happened that night after we all got back from the hospital. I was spared working in the shop and the boys sent me, Temari, and Konan upstairs to relax while Temari called her brother, Gaara, to take my place in the shop.

We talked for a long time about futures since both girls were leaving for college in a few weeks. They left August 20th and it was already late July. Around dinnertime, Gaara was allowed to go on break. He wandered up to the second floor where, by now, all three of us girls were out of things to say. Konan was making origami swans, Temari was painting my toes, and I was reading Itachi's summer reading books one after another.

Gaara hardly glanced at us when he wandered into the kitchen in search of food. I listened, worried, to the sounds of him shuffling around the kitchen. It was my domain and I didn't want him peeking in at my anal retentive rainbow organization of absolutely everything in the whole kitchen. It's really embarrassing.

Temari finished my toes and started working on Konan's, who smiled at the color choice of a deep purple that sparked in sunlight. I glanced, again, in the direction of the kitchen where the sounds of Gaara had come to a halt.

"Find anything?" I called out to him, ready to make him some food if he needed it. I was a little bored by Itachi's summer book anyway. It was long and I'd already finished half of it so I needed a breather.

"Why is everything in rainbow order?" Gaara called back after a minute, sounding deeply disturbed.

Temari and Konan both looked up at this and smirked knowing smirks at me. They were well aware of my rainbow love.

"Oh, shut up," I snapped at them even though they hadn't said anything. Their smirks grew and I sighed in defeat. "I'll go help him."

I got up and headed to the kitchen. Gaara had opened one of the larger cabinets in the island and, sure enough, the contents were in rainbow order. I flushed, realizing just how weird I really am, and shut the cabinet quickly, sliding in front of it, which put me between Gaara and the island's counter. This meant that he couldn't open it again.

He raised his tattoo at me, since he doesn't have an eyebrow.

"I like rainbows." I confessed grumpily. Must everyone judge me?

"Really now?" He asked with mock surprise, smirking at me.

"Yeah, really." I huffed. "Now, what do you want to eat?"

"Skittles." He said, smirking wider. "Taste the rainbow," he whispered, his face very close to mine now.

I pursed my lips. Really, now he wants to be playful? Well, at least he's not another emo Saskue-clone. And, well, he did have pretty eyes. And his hair looked so nice and red…

_AHH! NO! NO! BAD SAKURA! YOU'RE OFF GUYS UNTIL YOU'RE OVER PEIN!_

_**Well, when do we get to be over Pein? Because Gaara's really hot and he's RIGHT HERE.**_

I didn't have an answer so I ignored her.

If Gaara wanted to be playful, I could be playful too.

"Oh, so _now_ you want to have sex with me?" I asked him, joking, remembering that time I asked him if he wanted to have sex with me to check if he was really human and not an emo-android.

Gaara smirked, considering, at me. "Definitely."

_**Wait… WHAT?**_

_HO SHIZ!_

Completely caught off guard, I froze in complete shock as Gaara closed the gap between us, pressing his lips to mine. His lips were satin smooth, total romance novel material. One of his hands snaked around my waist and the other knotted it in my hair at the small of the back. I was completely pressed between him and the counter and I couldn't believe any of it was happening. His tongue ran across my lips, prodding at them but I refused to open up, way too surprised by everything that was happening. He was nearly as forceful as Hidan. I guess that's what juvenile delinquency does to you. I had to open my mouth after he violently yanked my hair.

His tongue was pushy. It didn't invade my mouth to play; it was there to conquer its territory. Or, at least, it _was_ until it found my tongue piercing and became instantly obsessed, purposefully playing with it and encouraging my tongue to enter his own mouth. When I obliged, we entered combat and even though I had no idea what the hell was going on, it felt good not to even care anymore. Of course it would.

Gaara's hips, mid-kiss, ground against my own. The friction made me make this sound that is incredibly embarrassing outside of an NC17 movie. He just smirked against my lips in pride at the affect he was having on me. He did it again, that hip-grinding thing, and I was lifted right off my feet onto the island. His lips left mine once my hands had become unmovable, wrapped around his neck helplessly, and he began kissing down my neck.

"Gaara…" I whispered, lost, totally entranced by the smell of his body spray.

He kissed back up my neck, along my jaw, and to my ear where he sucked on the piercings Pein had given me. "Gaara!" I hissed in a whisper this time.

"Mmm?" He asked.

"Stop!" I snapped.

Gaara kissed me heavily again. "But I want you." He whispered when we broke apart for air again.

_Wow…_

_**Girl, I hope we're over Pein, because that definitely just happened.**_

_B-B-but, pandas aren't supposed to like sex!_

_(A/N: It's true. Pandas don't enjoy sex, so when one gets pregnant, it's a big deal. And if you're not getting the joke, Gaara is panda… only much more sexual…)_

"We hardly know each other," I protested weakly, pushing against his shoulders now but he wasn't budging.

"I know you like rainbows and you know that I want you." He said like it was a meaningful argument. "What else is there?"

"A lot!" I hissed, "Like how your sister is in the next room along with the cousin of my recently ex-boyfriend who is downstairs with a bunch of other guys who'd rather lay claim to me first!"

"I don't mind being the rebound guy," Gaara said, kissing me again. The pouty shape of his lips, I noticed, was way too cute. Curse him and his seduction.

"Stop!" I snapped at him again, while he returned to my neck and I returned to pushing at his shoulders.

I searched around for something to hit him with. It's not like I was looking for a knife or anything, but something to get him off of me. I didn't mind making out, but I was _not_ ready to go full slut and sleep with someone simply because they were hot and I'm a sucker for apathetic teenage boys.

As I turned to search for something, anything, I saw that, in the doorway, were Konan and Temari, trying really hard not to giggle. As I was about to glare at them and demand their help, they turned to look at the stair case I couldn't see but I heard heavy male footsteps ascending.

Joining them in the doorway was, just my luck, the other red-head in my life, Sasori.

And Sasori, for once, did not look jokingly pleased with reality. In fact, he looked immensely pissed off. I couldn't even mouth 'help me' because I was suddenly very worried about Gaara's well-being. Gaara, sensing the danger, perhaps smelling Sasori's rage, as I was smelling it right now, looked up and met Sasori's copper-y glare.

"Sakura," Sasori simply said, never letting his eyes leave Gaara.

I responded to the call immediately, slipping off the island and right over to Sasori where I nuzzled into his side hoping he wouldn't completely destroy Gaara's cocky face. It wasn't like Gaara was a bad guy, but he had no comprehension of boundaries or risks involved with kissing me.

"Err… Sasori?" I muttered softly, directing my best check-me-out-because-I'm-cute-and-be-distracted-long-enough-not-to-get-all-homicidal-up-in-here look at him, trying to desperately defuse the tense atmosphere that had grown in the kitchen.

Temari and Konan slipped out quickly while Gaara gave the fuming Sasori a bring-it-bitch head cocking smirk. There was no way Sasori was having any of that.

For some reason, testosterone gives men this creepy ability to not have to communicate with words. They, instead, communicate with fists. Gaara had only taken half a step forward when Sasori lunged, punching him in the gut. A very fast, very hard to follow, fist fight ensued.

I'd never seen Sasori in a fight. In fact, I'd never seen _anybody_ in an actual _fight_. I mean, I guess it had happened a lot before, since the Akatsuki had that sort of gang reputation, but I'd never actually seen single one of them fight for real before, other than the typical, verbal banter sort. Did Tobi also fight this well?

Sasori was obviously winning. Gaara may have gotten a black eye, but it was hard to tell with his guyliner—I mean 'dark circles.' A coffee machine and several ready-to-be-washed dishes were sacrificed in the fight and it was starting to make a racket with the banging and crashing and grunting and all.

Both boys paused, mid-fight, to catch their breath.

"It's not like she wasn't enjoying it," Gaara muttered.

This served to tick off Sasori even _more. _"What did you say? I heard her say 'stop' you delusional bastard!" He roared in a completely not-Sasori way, grabbing Gaara around the neck and pressing him to the counter until his shoulder blades touched the granite. His hand, the one not holding Gaara down in a completely attractive yet still horrifically violent strangle hold, reached for the knife drawer.

"Wait—Sasori!" I tried to stop him. Mostly for all the wrong reasons. It wasn't to save Gaara, because I guess I'm a terrible person like that and wasn't actually thinking much of his well-being at the moment. It was because, well, the knives are in rainbow order by handle color, and I didn't want Sasori to see that.

Of course, my warning came too late and Sasori did open the knife drawer and he did see that I have a weird, rainbow related, anal retentive, OCD-tastic problem. He froze and Gaara leaned up just a bit and saw the rainbow knives and both boys, just previously locked in deadly combat slash a petty street fight, erupted in laughter.

I blushed hotly, too embarassed to care that Gaara actually could _laugh_, and stomped grumpily downstairs to work in the shop rather than deal with this freaky new bromance that had sprung up at my expense. "Stoopid boys," I kept muttering darkly while assisting customers and informing them that, yes, I did have my piercing done here, so please stop asking and dredging up memories that make me want to screw a twenty-five year old man's brains out. Thank you, have a nice day. Please come again.

As it turns out, pandas _do_ like sex.

_Life is way too confusing._ I thought to myself. Of course, I had no idea it would become even more confusing soon enough.

After closing, I rushed the boys through dinner, hoping Kakuzu would not see the damage Gaara and Sasori's fight had done to the kitchen. It worked, thank god.

No one seemed to question why Gaara was having dinner with us, or the _Dora the Explorer_ band-aids on his and Sasori's cheeks and knuckes. _Why_ do we only have Dora band-aids? Because I like Dora! Is that a problem? Plus, they were all out of _Ben 10_…

Anywhoo, Temari and Konan also stuck around. Sometime during dinner, the whole story that led to Sasori and Gaara having to wear Dora band-aids came out and before dessert, our close, personal friends that guarded the hotel pool next door had been forcefully introduced to the world's most sexual panda. Which basically means we threw Gaara overboard. Arrg, avast ye panda-mateys.

The boys shuffled off to bed while us girls (and yes, this includes Bonbon) stayed in the living room to chat for a few more hours. According to Kisame, that's all girls do: chat. And according to the pink handprint on Kisame's blue cheek, his sexism is unappreciated.

Around two in the morning, while I was just talking to Temari and Konan as we absentmindedly adored Bonbon and all her kitten greatness, Tobi wandered out of the bedroom. He was wearing nothing but a pair of bright Spongebob boxers and his eye patch as he swayed and staggered into the living room and over to the couch where we were sitting.

His visible eye was still closed.

_**Wait…**_

_He's gonna do it again, isn't he?_

Indeed he did.

Wiggling his butt, he squeezed in between Konan and I, faced me, and gripped my face gently before kissing me. I automatically closed my eyes and tilted my head back. Tobi seemed pleased in a way that made me think that maybe he isn't four years old and maybe his sexy, seventeen-year-old body was actually because he really _was_ seventeen.

Once Tobi was satisfied with kissing me, he got off the couch, went into the kitchen, destroyed a bag of Bugles, and then meandered back into the bedroom and collapsed on his bed.

Temari and Konan gave me twin 'WTF' faces.

"That happens sometimes…" I shrugged.

Soon after that, we went to bed, not knowing that in less than twelve hours, I'd be doing something _very_ illegal.

END CHAPTER

_A/N: Hey everybody! Sorry, that's the end of the chapter. Gah, I hated this one. I just had to rewrite it, like, a million times. The only thing that got me through was Glee. Kurt, you do one adorable high kick!_

_Also, there is nothing about this chapter title that I do not love._

_Soooo…. REVIEW._

_Also, the question to reviewers:_

_How old do you think I am?_

_Oh, I'm so going to regret this when everybody thinks I'm a three year old because of how bad I write! BUT, please, guess anyway!_


	34. The Knights Say Ni

_A/N: Sorry, everybody, but I would have updated earlier (yes, I am going to start updating quickly again!) but I spent my weekend on vacation in San Diego and didn't realize until I got here that the wifi isn't free. And my mom wasn't willing to spend the $13 a day for internet. I don't blame her…_

_Okay, so, a lot of you guessed my age. Moment of truth? Dun dun dun dun, I am sixteen. But my seventeenth birthday is almost here—June 27__th__! Like I thought, a lot of people guessed low, but it was okay, because a lot of people guessed high! Highest was 21. I feel special. Lowest was 13, not so bad._

_Disclaimer: Damn, I WISH I were being paid for this but, NO, sorry lawyers, I'm making no money from this, so you can't sue me for the whooping fifty dollar copyright fine. OoO, I'm sooo afraid (is my sarcasm reaching you?)._

_Warning: This is mostly a Kakuzu chapter but we all know he deserves the screen time._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 34**

**The Knights Say "Ni"**

Like many things, Deidara and Sasori also share a birthday. And it was tomorrow. But I wasn't going to repeat Zetsu's birthday. I wouldn't be caught without a present, and I wouldn't be kidnapped in the night by police. I refuse to let that happen. So when I woke up the day before their birthday, on the couch with Temari, Konan, and Bonbon, I knew I needed to get them both presents.

I already had it planned too. I wanted to get Deidara a gift so amazing and perfect for him because, well, I still really liked him. Not as much as I liked Pein when the quasi-breakup happened, but as much as I liked Pein before our first date. If given a chance, I'd probably fall for Deidara just as hard. He was funny, nice, and I missed him.

I felt that, since school ended, we've been growing apart a little. Mostly because I completely dedicated myself to Pein… I felt a little less close with all of them, really. The novelty might just be wearing off and now we were settling into a pattern instead of having a happy, sparkly relationship but I missed Deidara a lot. He'd been like my best friend.

Without fresh, hot-guy-related distractions, I spent more and more time being mopey. It was lonely. It wasn't so much about my parents anymore but just in general. Somewhere in my shameless pursuit of forgetting my parent-less heartache, I'd come to depend on the boys to keep me company at all times. Especially Deidara, who'd I had always been able to connect with.

And, as such, I had plotted the perfect gift to get him back and strengthen our friendship a lot. His birthday present?

C4.

It's his favorite explosive! Which is why I needed it at any cost. However, it's illegal in the US. Lucky for me, I was spending my summer in southern California. Which, as we all know, is _very_ close to Mexico, where I could easily get C4 on the black market.

So, I had decided to ask Kakuzu for help. For one thing, I was positive he would drive safer than anybody else because he'd worry about insurance costs if he got in an accident. Second, he would be able to haggle for me and make sure I didn't get ripped off. Also, he knows Spanish and I do not.

Plus, I kind of wanted to get to know him. We had never had a one-on-one conversation and I was a little curious. Okay, a lot curious. I mean, he's quiet, hates Hidan, and loves money but that's all I knew about him. And he sort of seemed like Akatsuki's shadow king, if Pein was king. He gave off an I-know-too-much vibe.

So I needed him to drive me to Mexico. When I woke up, earlier than everybody else, naturally, I prepared his favorite breakfast which just happened to be Hidan's least favorite breakfast. Blueberry pancakes. Hidan is allergic to blueberries. Kakuzu loved them more than anything. And, for the first time ever, he woke up first just because of the smell.

"Blueberry pancakes?" He asked in disbelief from the entrance to the kitchen.

"Your favorite," I smiled, handing him a plate with a tall stack and his favorite Aunt Jemima syrup. "All you can eat." And for emphasis, I went back to flipping even more pancakes even though I had enough to feed an army. But if Kisame was hungry, that wouldn't be enough…

"I don't have to wait for the others before eating?" He questioned suspiciously, already eating anyway. I guess he was on to me because of the impromptu change in tradition.

I decided to be honest when he was this astute. "I need a favor."

He raised an eyebrow as he ate. "And what's that?" he asked once he'd swallowed.

"I need a ride to Mexico to get Deidara's birthday present." I pleaded, giving him the puppy eyes.

Kakuzu thought and chewed slowly. "And why should I waste gas by giving you a ride to Mexico?"

I gave him a sour look because he was being difficult on purpose. "Blueberry pancakes for one." I pointed out.

"So?" Kakuzu was being a jerk about this.

"Well, I didn't make Hidan an alternative breakfast, so you have the satisfaction of watching him starve." I offered.

"That is nice of you, to think this through so thoroughly. And if we left now, we could get back before shop opened, thus not losing any money. But I can make my own pancakes and torture Hidan in my own special ways. What can you offer me that I can't get on my own?" He was getting predatory now, which was odd so early in the morning. But it was working and now I was all attracted to the danger of him. But I also was very aware of the purpose of this mission, which was to regain Deidara's full and unyielding friendship. I had to stay strong.

"If you tell Hidan you'll be spending the whole day with me, he'll get jealous. Supremely jealous." So, maybe I was exaggerating a little. I wasn't so full of myself to think that Hidan would be jealous, but he might be a little concerned if I was willingly spending the day with his mortal enemy.

"Go on." Kakuzu smiled. He was enjoying this too much.

"Well, what else do you want?" I huffed.

"I don't know… how about a favor?" He seemed sincerely off-hand.

"A… favor?" I asked. Now that was just too easy! I'd been giving 'one favor' coupons out as Christmas presents since I was a kid (I've since stopped, but it is an easy, cheap present).

"Yeah, since I can't think of anything right now, sometime in the future, I can just ask you to do anything at anytime. Just one, little favor." Kakuzu sounded genuinely okay with such a crappy exchange. His whole morning just for some pancakes, Hidan's annoyance, and a _favor_?

I was definitely getting the better end. "Deal!" I smiled, shaking his outstretched hand with gusto.

Kakuzu simply smirked, grabbed all the pancakes his plate could handle, and said "Let's go," leading me out to his car in the lot behind the store.

"Wait," I said, looking around for his car, which I had never seen before, I saw everyone else's car, including Pein's embarrassing minivan, but I saw no additional car, no extra that could possibly be Kakuzu's. "Where's your car?"

"Gas, insurance, down payments, _please_," Kakuzu scoffed. "Why pay for it all, when I can simply mooch?" he asked, suddenly twirling Itachi's keys between his hands.

I can't say I was very surprised. Except, I did have one question. "Why not steal Hidan's car?" I asked.

Kakuzu's face grew dark and disgusted. "It smells like him."

_**Wow…**_

_He really hates Hidan…_

_**And Hidan smells AWESOME.**_

"So… why do you hate Hidan?" I asked, climbing into Itachi's car while he got in the driver's side.

"How could you not?" Was all he had to say on the matter, Mr. Anti-social. He just slipped into his seat, turned the key in the ignition, and backed out of the parking space at a completely acceptable speed.

Was I going to have to ask another completely inappropriate question like I did to Gaara to make sure he wasn't a completely unfeeling human being?

"So, Gaara, huh?" Kakuzu asked in this horrible so-how-about-this-weather way that made my skin crawl. Was this his attempt at small talk?

"What about him?" I hissed. I was a bit touchy on the Gaara thing. As far as I was concerned, he'd broken my, what, ten-hour streak of not kissing any boys so as to help me get over Pein. How dare he? Okay, so maybe I slut-tastically kissed him back for, like, a second, but it was all his fault. I was confused because, really, pandas don't like sex!

"Well, at first I thought you were just into Akatsuki and now you're making out with the enemy. I'm a bit confused." Kakuzu was taunting me. He was making me feel small and stupid and immature on purpose. Gaara had kissed _me_, not the other way around, and I had told him to stop twice and tried pushing him off of me. I was more like a quasi-victim here than a willing participant, but no one seemed to get that. I mean, I wasn't complaining because, compared to the whole Orochimaru deal, getting kissed by Temari's kid brother didn't even phase me.

Maybe I'm too numb…

"He was the one who kissed me, okay?" I growled out, annoyed by Kakuzu's antagonistic attitude. "It's not like I jump every guy that walks by, you know."

Kakuzu seemed amused by my denial of being a slut.

I was sick of this unproductive conversation. Being blunt with Kakuzu wasn't working to further our nonexistent friendship and I doubted random embarrassing comments would either. I decided to just say what I wanted, but try to be nice. So I said something I always wanted to say to him. "I like your stitches."

Gah! I couldn't take how embarrassing that sounded and my face turned entirely too pink. I must seem like such a busybody brat to him. So why was he blushing just slightly?

I let it hang in the air, my compliment pressuring him to respond with a compliment of his own. I let if fester like a wound, untreated and doused in hydrochloric acid. I let it drive him crazy until we reached Mexico. We showed our passports and our best we're-not-doing-anything-illegal smiles at the border and headed into a large, Spanish speaking city.

We parked in a lot that made you pay. "So… do you know where the black market is?" I finally asked Kakuzu shyly when we stepped out of the car into the blistering heat. Maybe I hadn't really thought this present thing through…

Kakuzu gave me an annoyed look. "This way," he sighed and turned left on the unfamiliar street.

I didn't even wonder over the fact that he obviously knew where the black market was in Mexico, but just followed him obediently, trotting along behind him. I noticed several men across the street leering at me and they were so scary looking that I nearly jumped out of my skin and instinctively wrapped my arms around Kakuzu's muscular bicep, pressing close to him and the protection he offered.

"Scared?" He asked, amused, as he raised an eyebrow at me. Deep in his green eyes though, I saw his surprise that I'd clung to him.

I blushed, embarrassed, and admitted my hidden shame: "This is my first crime!" I squeaked.

"Really?" Kakuzu asked, sounding genuinely shocked.

"Of course!" I huffed. "I'm a total goody goody. The worst thing I've done is drink some blackberry wine, but that's more of a misdemeanor compared to the purchase and smuggling of C4."

Kakuzu smirked wider, making his stitches-tattoos dimple, and breathed a single syllable of laughter.

"What? Were you expecting me to have an epic rap sheet or something?" I asked him, captivated by his reactions.

"Well, you're definitely not what I thought you'd be." He admitted, still smirking while he led me around corner after corner. I'm sure we made a circle at some point.

"Did my pink hair help convince you that I was a ninja assassin with bad hygiene?" I asked him hypothetically since I wasn't a ninja assassin and my hygiene was _awesome._

Kakuzu actually cracked a smile, just for a second. "Something like that."

I giggled, still clinging to him, and suddenly realized how people around us must think we're a couple. Then I realized that I seriously didn't care what people think.

"We're here." Kakuzu said, stopping in front of a typical house with a 'For Sale' sign in the lawn.

_**Wow, I was expecting a dark alley.**_

I kept silent, feeling the dangerous aura of the place.

Kakuzu led me up the front walk and we entered the front door. Inside, the house looked like a normal house would, sans furniture. He walked over to a door in the hallway, and turned the knob three times without opening it. What looked like a credit card machine emerged from the wall, awaiting someone to swipe a card. Kakuzu pulled out his wallet and took a black card from it, swiping it in the machine.

"What's that?" I asked in a whisper, because I felt a whisper was required here.

"My black market membership card." Kakuzu shrugged, opening the door.

… _**Okay…**_

Inside was a flight of stairs. We descended into a normal-looking basement, but, of course, people in this part of Mexico normally don't have basements, too many earthquakes. So the basement's very existence was odd.

In the basement was another door and Kakuzu went straight to it. A small window opened in the door, and a set of eyes appeared. "Password?" A voice asked with a thick accent.

"The knights say "Ni"." Kakuzu said in firm monotone that wasn't at all appropriate for such an epic _Monte Python_ quote.

I tried not to giggle like the little school girl I was as the door opened and we entered the black market. It looked a lot like supermarket; only the aisles were filled with guns, bombs, ropes, and other such things. In the corner there was a fake documentation booth. I was concerned with what was happening here, but shrugged it off.

Deidara's birthday present was way more important than tipping the government off to this market of destruction. Is this place Acme, where all the old cartoon characters got their anvils and dynamite?

"This is like Walmart, only awesome." I muttered, drooling over some of the cool shit they had in here. I was like a kid in a candy shop. I promptly dragged Kakuzu over to Aisle 2: Explosives.

Strolling past the cherry bombs, silver salutes, and M-80s, we hit the explosive clay section to purchase some C4. It looked like white molding clay and was stored in a sandbox next to grocery bags and a small shovel. Kakuzu held open a bag and I began shoveling it in (the Mexican Black Market sells C4 by weight).

When we had eighteen bags of C4, one for each year Deidara had been alive, we headed to the register. They weighed the C4 and told me it was selling it for $20 per pound. Kakuzu had a miniature flip out and the price almost immediately went to $11 per pound but we still spent more than $300 so I won a free cadaver. Sasori's gift: _done._

Two birds, one illegal stone.

We had everything gift wrapped because, yes, the Mexican Black Market gift wraps purchases, and we were on our way, the clay successfully shoved into the spare tire compartment so border control couldn't find it. They did ask about the cadaver though. We told them it was a CPR dummy named Pablo. I broke into hysterics after telling them that and Kakuzu told them I was mentally ill.

They let us pass and we hit traffic. Which Kakuzu didn't like because it wasted gas. We were stuck in the car, together…

Only one thing to do, right?

"Green punch buggy, no punch backs!" I screamed, pointing with one hand and punching Kakuzu's arm with the other. What? Did you think we were going to do something sexual? Hehe, you perverts.

He gave me his you're-an-idiot look. I smiled cheekily as we inched forward through San Diego. We missed opening time for the tattoo shop and by the time we got back, I was tired and hungry from having to sit in the car for so long without food. I'd tried to eat the C4 but Kakuzu had stopped me. We stashed the gifts on the roof with everyone else's gifts for Deidara and Sasori, Kakuzu kindly assisting me.

Afterwards, we helped close up shop, told the others we'd been kidnapped by coconut monsters all day, and went to bed after a short dinner, Tobi still carrying on about the dangers of coconut monsters.

-So, maybe Kakuzu's not so bad.-

The next morning, I made Deidara and Sasori's favorite breakfast: a monkey bread version of Pompei during the volcanic explosion, the monkey bread volcano spewing icing-lava while solidified icing people ran, screaming in fear.

After breakfast had been devoured at record speed, I promptly kicked the boys out and told them not to come back until closing. They didn't complain because they planned to spend the entire day pranking Deidara and Sasori, who took it all in stride. Sasori just laughed when he found that they had wrapped his car in gift wrapping paper and Deidara hardly punched Tobi when he got an embarrassing 'Tobi loves you!' card.

I called up Konan and Temari who came over to help me set up decorations and make food and cake. We went all out, for sures. Then we went to the designated present-hiding place (the roof) and brought down not only my gifts for the boys but also everyone else's. Which was a lot of presents.

We organized them around the living room, Temari kicked Gaara out when he came to offer help, screaming "no, you psycho, you can't rape my friend again, even if she does have pink hair!"

Sometimes, I don't understand Temari and her family…

When closing time rolled around, the boys came upstairs, tired and hungry. And we were ready. Sasori and Deidara lit up like children when they saw the food and dug in, thanking us only when their mouths were filled with half-chewed food. Then, before presents, there was cake time. One giant cake and eighteen candles for each of them. Deidara's candles looked like dynamite, a touch he appreciated.

"Wait!" Tobi cried before we could eat any. "We need a picture of this!"

We all sighed dramatically. Must Tobi document everything?

He ignored us and ran off for his camera as we arranged ourselves behind Deidara and Sasori's seats of honor for the photo op. Tobi came back in with his camera and put it on the TV stand and set the timer then ran around to stand with the rest of us. As the clock ticked down, I realized I was standing behind Kisame and you could hardly see me.

In an effort to get closer to the camera, I nudged around him, tripped and squeaked, falling forward, just as the camera flash went off.

This is what the picture looked like:

Tobi was smiling widely, giving a peace sign. Zetsu was glaring at Hidan who was pushing him to the side and reaching out to catch me while Kisame was being knocked out of my way and looking at me, surprised. Itachi was smirking, amused. Sasori was pointing at Deidara and laughing. Pein and Kakuzu were raising an eyebrow each at me. Temari and Konan were looking at me in horror. Bonbon was sitting, giving her evil kitty smile from her place on Kisame's shoulder.

And me?

I was frozen in this 'oh noes' face as I tripped past Kisame, my hand landing on Deidara's head and shoving his face all the way into his cake as it splattered all around but mostly in our faces.

…I hate birthdays.

-end chapter-

_A/N: Gah! Would have been out sooner but my mom jacked the computer to watch the real fucking housewives of New Jersey. Yeah, I know, she's sooooo annoying! But it's up! Thank you, Jashin!_

_BTW, sorry for the lack of Kabuto. He'll prolly be in the next chapter._

_Is anybody else a little concerned about my knowledge of explosives besides my mother?_

_Also, if you want to get your 'Scrumdidileeumptious updated' messages faster and are on deviantart more often than your email, watch me on dA, where I post a journal when I update. Links in profile._

_If anybody wants to attempt to draw that picture from the last scene of this chapter, post it on deviantart, send me the link on deviantart or on fanfiction, and you can have a Naruto oneshot of any kind, any pairing, any plot. Your drawing doesn't even have to be good, you just have to attempt. I'd really appreciate it! Doesn't it sound fun anyway? XD_

_**Kay, now get to reviewing everyone! If we hit 60 reviews for this chapter, I'll update within 72 hours of the 60**__**th**__** review (fuck studying for finals)!**_


	35. The Strippers are Ninjas

_A/N: Not much to say. Almost 17. Finished school year. Still accepting pics for the last scene of previous chapter._

_Also, this came up a few times in the reviews. There was no Spanish in the last chapter because, when you are that close to the border, you can almost always get away without running into someone who doesn't speak English. Sakura just assumed she'd need Kakuzu's Spanish skillz because, like most people, she had assumed everyone in Mexico can't speak English._

_Disclaimer: Pee-shawwww_

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 35**

**The Strippers are Ninjas**

Before Deidara could become royally pissed off at me and make me entirely depressed, I decided to numb myself up a bit. So I grabbed the closest bottle of blackberry wine (which was at my feet as bottles of blackberry wine are always nearby in this place) and chugged half of the large bottle. I might need to worry about alcohol poisoning soon…

"Sakura…" Deidara growled, his face still being pressed into his cake by my hand.

I waited to respond after half the contents of the glass bottle had disappeared down my throat and all my effort to care had gone with it. "Yea?"

"This is a great cake, un." He said around the cake.

I smiled and it felt like a victory. We were definitely besties again! "Then you're going to love your present." I told him, smiling evilly.

Deidara's head popped up, covered in icing and globs of cake. "Presents!" He cheered, and leapt over the table to where the presents were waiting. "Which one is from you, un?" He asked eagerly.

"The ones wrapped in the sombrero paper!" I told him, just as excited because I get really excited when people open presents I got them. I just do.

Deidara tore the paper from the first package of C4 and upon seeing the explosive, clay material, he had a massive flip out. I was almost convinced that he and Tobi had switched bodies, seeing how he was freaking out so much over just some C4. But, then he hugged me in a vice like grip, thanking me over and over again, and I suddenly didn't care. My bestie was my bestie again and nothing was going to come between us.

Well, except a cadaver.

"What is this?" Sasori asked, shoving his wrapped gift between Deidara and me.

I didn't blame him. It did look quite ominous when wrapped…

"Reference material." I told him, hands on hips, glaring at him for interrupting me and Deidara's hug.

Sasori gave me a confused look and unwrapped the cadaver. He stared at it for a long time in absolute silence. Finally, he said, with a wicked smirk: "Pablo."

"Screw you!" Kisame yelled.

"Kiss it." Sasori commanded Kisame, holding out the cadaver to him.

"You sick bastard!" Kisame screamed in horror and disgust, backing away quickly. He backed into a life sized sculpture of the lifeguard named Pablo from the YMCA that had tried to revive Kisame back at the mall. It was a sculpture, of course, that Deidara had just created from his new C4.

Kisame took one look at it, and he was out the balcony, over the edge, and in the pool of the hotel next door.

In addition to my gifts, the boys received a present from everyone else. Deidara got cherry bombs from Hidan, a muffin with a heart on it from Tobi, an 'I.O.U.' from Kakuzu, all of his summer assignments done in full from Itachi, painting material from Konan and the same from Zetsu, colored henna ink from Temari and the same from Pein who had stolen it from Kakuzu who was not pleased, a large, raw fish from Kisame, and some bits of string from Sasori. The kind of bits of string that you put in bombs and light on fire and they burn, leading the spark to the bomb, thus setting the bomb off. Why didn't I think of that?

Sasori received three Pinocchio dolls, one from Kisame, one from Hidan, and one from Konan. He got a Barbie from Tobi, and 'I.O.U.' from Kakuzu, his summer assignments from Itachi, a pocket knife from Pein, a large plank of wood from Temari, a baby tree from Zetsu (the tree was later named Fabio), and another cadaver from Deidara. Great minds think alike, huh? Deidara's cadaver was a girl though, so we named her Paulette.

We then made Pablo Cadaver and Paulette Cadaver facebook pages and married them and in their 'interests' box they both said that they enjoy making out with Kisame.

Kisame, who was still in the pool next door, was not pleased as we yelled all this news down to him from the balcony.

-PabloxPaulette forEVAHZ-

3rd Person P.O.V.

The next morning found Sakura Haruno being mistaken for some kind of teddy bear. There were no less than nine men clinging to her in some way. Plus two girls. And two cadavers. One cactus. A baby tree. A rather large sculpture so a lifeguard. Let's just say some sort of love-fest, orgy-about-to-happen was going on in the upstairs apartment of the tattoo and piercing shop on this humble boardwalk in Southern California.

It's no wonder she woke up, bleary green eyes taking in the strange sight surrounding her. She sat up and a few of the people clinging to her let go and rolled over. Rubbing her messy hair, Sakura stood up fully, went to the restroom, and reemerged looking ready for the day, freshly washed and cleaned, her teeth and hair brushed thoroughly. She went to the kitchen for a glass of water to give her a little relief from her slight hangover.

That darn blackberry wine. It was so good but such a bitch! As she chugged her glass, a tired looking Kakuzu shuffled by. "Where are you going?" She asked as he put on his shoes at the door.

"Bank," He said. "Do you want to come?"

Sakura nodded eagerly because spending time with Kakuzu was becoming less awkward and more interesting. She hadn't known he had a Black Market membership card. What would she find out today? She happily pranced behind him, out of the house, and into Kisame's car.

Across the street, in what can only be described as a 'creeper van', Kabuto smiled from behind his binoculars he'd been using to spy on his pink-haired nemesis. Or, at least, that's what he'd come to think of her as. He despised everything about her. He hated how her gorgeous green eyes sparkled in sunlight, how her pink hair seemed to float and dance with everything she did, he hated that she seemed smart and pretty and social, and he hated, really, really hated, that stupid smile of hers. Who did she think she was? How dare she look that pretty?

No wonder Orochimaru had been interested in her. He couldn't blame the older man, really. He got where he was coming from.

"That slutty little bitch." Kabuto swore as he watched her get into a car with her stitched friend. He always said that, the same line, every time he caught himself thinking about her in a way that wasn't purely vengeful. However, he caught himself thinking about her in a non-vengeful way quite a lot. Thus, he repeated the line 'that slutty little bitch' very often.

He'd seen her with the stitched man yesterday too. "Dating?" He questioned aloud, meaning to sound curious and accidentally sounding depressed.

He turned on the bright side. His new mission was to slowly destroy her happiness. Starting with her boyfriend was a good idea. He turned his creeper van and followed their car to the bank. He parked as far away from them as was possible and watched, through his binoculars, as Sakura and her new boyfriend, or so he thought, emerged from the car and walked towards the bank.

Kabuto noticed, with a sharp dropping of his gut, how happy Sakura looked as she talked with the tanned, tattooed bastard she was mistakenly dating. He could definitely make her that happy, couldn't he? He was Kabuto Yakushi, after all. He was her intellectual equal, if not superior, and he definitely cared more for-

"That slutty little bitch." He repeated and followed them, at a safe distance, into the bank. "Slutty little bitch," he kept muttering over and over and over again as he snuck up behind the pair in line and dropped a small, unloaded revolver into the back pocket of Kakuzu's pants without Kakuzu noticing.

He then backed up to a very noticeable location in the dead center of the bank lobby, pointed in fake shock at Kakuzu and screamed in fake horror "HE'S GOT A GUN!"

-Kabuto is a dick-

Sakura's P.O.V.

"He's been arrested?" Hidan asked in a tone of voice that seemed a little too excited.

"Yeah." I told him. "That bitch that hit me with the ambulance, Kabuto, totally framed him, I'm sure of it. I totally got that creepy vibe from him and he's the one that said Kakuzu had the gun but I know Kakuzu didn't have the gun before. I don't know why he'd a bastard, but he'd definitely a bastard."

"They probably have him locked up at the police center right now. He can't be transferred to a legit prison yet." Itachi informed us, sounding depressed by the arrest of his friend.

"How do we get him out, Pein?" Tobi asked innocently, turning to his leader.

"I don't know, we've never been arrested before…" Pein admitted. Sure, they'd broken the law plenty of times, but they'd never actually been caught.

"Lucky for you, I was prepared." I told him, my face growing dark with mischievous intent. My haphazard prison escape plans Konan, Temari, Bonbon, and I had cooked up in the dead of night. "Who's ready to break Kakuzu out of jail with me?"

"Wait—what?" Sasori asked, dumbfounded by Temari and Konan's conspiratorial glances in my direction.

"Can't we just pay bail for him?" Itachi suggested.

"Yeah, because Kakuzu would totally go along with that." I said sarcastically.

"Well, what do you suggest?" Pein asked skeptically.

"Well, we always figured we'd have to break someone out of jail at some point." I explained, smiling.

"Which plan are we using, Sakura?" Temari asked, excited.

"Number seventeen," I told her, seeming very serious on the surface. "Konan, _get the satchel."_

_**That sounded so evil…**_

"Aye, aye, captain!" Konan cheered and rushed off to the kitchen where the satchel was hidden. Oh, our harebrained schemes from late night sleepovers were so paying off.

"Did you just say 'satchel', un? What's in the satchel, un?" Deidara asked, concerned by the fact that whatever my plan was, it had Itachi trying very hard not to laugh.

"What the fuck is 'number seventeen'?" Hidan inquired, equally concerned.

"Alright!" I declared, ignoring the boys and rolling up invisible sleeves (I was wearing a tank top). "Time to bake the stripper cake!"

"I don't know what this plan is, but… I think I approve." Kisame admitted at the sound of a stripper cake.

"Agreed." Zetsu said, getting me some flour for my stripper cake.

"I'll prepare the slut wear!" Temari yelled, running off to get the proper outfits for Plan #17.

"Good!" I told her, beginning to prepare the stripper cake. "Okay boys," I began, still working on the cake. "This is what you'll need to do…"

-Girls _plot _at sleepovers, of course! What'd you think we do, _have pillow fights?_-

3rd Person P.O.V.

Tobi strolled into the police station, calm and cute as you please, pulling a large wagon cart that had a _giant_ cake on it. The police, working at their desks and mulling about in the large lobby and entrance hall in front of the stairway that led to the temporary cells, all stopped at Tobi's entrance, staring at the adorable boy in the eye patch, and his giant cake.

"Can I help you?" A large policeman asked Tobi.

Tobi, completely abusing the use of his one puppy eye, turned up his cuteness factor to mass adorable-ity. The police officer froze at the look on this boy's face. He suddenly wanted to hug Tobi more than he'd wanted to hug anything in his entire life. "I wanted to thank you and your fellow officers for your fine work." Tobi said, his pouty lips making him look much younger than he actually was. "My mother works at the bank you saved this morning. Please accept my undying gratitude in the form of this cake."

And with that, Tobi presented the officer with the handle for the wagon, turned, and skipped away happily. As soon as Tobi was out the door and out of sight, the man looked around as his fellow cops, and declared "CAKE!"

Any officer that wasn't already in the vicinity, immediately appeared there, drawn away from their posts by the promise of delicious sugary cake. Lucky for Sakura, Temari, and Konan, all the police present were male.

As the police gathered round, the second phase of plan number 17 (the first being Tobi presenting the cake) began. Sakura, Konan, and Temari jumped out of the top of the cake wearing skimpy bikini tops and overly short jean bootie shorts. "SURPRISE!" They yelled, striking their best individual stripper poses.

Temari then pulled out a boom box from the depths of the stripper cake and pressed play and some stripper like music, which was just a series of fast beats, began playing and the girls all began dancing in their best stripper-impersonation way.

The cops began to cheer, reaching for wallets and singles wherever they could. The girls got out of their cake and wandered, still dancing, into the crowd of immensely happy police officers. As soon as the cops were in range, they all reached out to the closest one, and pressed their respective cop-victim's pressure points along the collar bone and each of the respective cops immediately fell to the floor, unconscious.

Before anyone could react, the girls had knocked out at least ten more cops in total. All other officers left conscious had the same thought at the same time: the strippers are ninjas.

Sakura, her face deadly serious, sunk into a martial arts pose and faced the cops who were backing away. "Let's dance."

Smiling at how cliché she sounded, she lunged. Temari and Konan followed suit, making their way up the stairs to the temporary cells, leaving a trail of unconscious cops in their wake.

They quickly found Kakuzu. "This is the best sexual experience I've ever had in prison." He said upon seeing the three girls in their faux stripper outfits. Temari and Konan scoffed as Sakura jingled the keys she'd stolen from one of the cop victims. She unlocked his cell, grabbed his hand, and dragged his bemused ass out to the waiting escape car.

Itachi was driving and Kisame was in the car, and they all hopped in, driving at top speed to the docks where Zetsu and Pein were awaiting in the escape chopper. They all leapt into the helicopter and flew away in a very ostentatious fashion before landing at the docks a few towns away where Hidan, Sasori, and Deidara were waiting with Tobi's Tobi Mobile. They all climbed in, leaving the helicopter they'd stolen safe and sound on the dock, and drove back home.

"I think that got them off our tail." Sakura smiled as they all gathered in the living room.

-Number 17 is a SUCCESS-

Sakura's P.O.V.

So, our plan had worked. We'd gotten Kakuzu out of prison and made it so ridiculous that we almost seemed professional as they'd probably call in the feds. And by the time that happened, it'd be time for school again, and we'd all be gone except for Kakuzu, who'd have been cleared of the bogus charges by then (since his prints weren't on the gun and he didn't resist arrest), and Pein, who they hadn't seen.

"For some reason," I began once we'd had celebratory leftover cake from the birthday party last night, "I feel like we should be more concerned about the whole Kabuto thing."

"Hey guys?" Temari called as she came back from the bathroom. "Why's there always a creeper van across the street behind the shop? I thought it was just coincidence the first few times I saw it, but I waved this time, and he drove off in a hurry."

END CHAPTER

_A/N: Thank God it took so long to hit 60 reviews. Finals are over now. YAY! And school's out! TIME TO UPDATE AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT!_

_Now: Dear __Caeafae'__s cousin,_

_Caeafae__ has informed me that you read and don't review. This has made me cry._

_Depressingly sincere,_

_BitterSweetCrimson AKA ChaCha_

_Question to reviewers: Kabuto- Yea or ZOMFJ, PLEASE KILL THAT DOUCHE BAG OFF ALREADY or Ew or Err.. I don't really care but I wanna know what you're planning to do with his character?_


	36. 02 07 06 35 01 04

_A/N: I am happy! And do you know why? Becauseeee, __Caeafae__'s cousin reviewed the last chapter! My guilt-tripping note HAS PAID OFF! Hehe, anyway, I is UPDATING now, so read. Reviewwww…_

_Also, yes, a cadaver is a dead body, but they put so many chemicals in cadavers that they're just like giant, freakishly realistic dolls._

_Disclaimer: I am nothing more than an unpaid fangirl._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 36**

**02 07 06 35 01 -04-**

"You think it might be that Kabuto creeper?" I asked Temari. I don't know why I was so suspicious of him, but I just was. He just has a creeper vibe. Plus, he disliked my brownie. He's obviously evil.

"I don't know, he had tinted windows." Temari rubbed the back of her head, sitting down on the floor and reaching for some of the beer we had broken out. "It could just be any run-of-the-mill creeper, you know? You do attract a lot of creepers."

"I do not!" I huffed, grabbing some blackberry wine.

"Orochimaru." Sasori reminded me.

"And Kabuto." Kakuzu put in since he hated Kabuto as much as I did since Kabuto got him falsely arrested.

"And Gaara." Konan said.

"My brother's not a creeper!" Temari snapped at Konan.

Konan just gave her a look that clearly said 'Yes, he is; he's a deranged, creeper-panda,' which made Temari hang her head in shame because she knew it was true.

I took a deep drink from my bottle of blackberry wine and, after that, I can't remember what happened.

-I might have a drinking problem… maybe…-

For some reason, we were all in our swimsuits when I woke up. We all had wet hair, and we all smelled like salt water. Seems like we had a late night swim… And, for some reason, I was sandwiched between Itachi and Kisame. The rest of the boys were scattered around the room, with Hidan sleeping on top of the entertainment system and Sasori passed out of the balcony railing which I'm sure was dangerous.

Tobi, however, was quite pimping, asleep on the floor with Temari cuddled into him on his left and Konan on his right. Both girls had markers in their hands and Tobi had drawings all over his face. It made me giggle. Itachi, always having been the lightest light sleeper, woke up at the sound of my giggle. His red eyes, brighter than normal, searched my face for a moment before he kissed me.

His lips tasted like blackberry wine, and I'm sure mine did too. It was too early in the morning for me to even have a shocked reaction to the spontaneous kiss. I just kissed back. I knew I shouldn't. I still had mixed feelings about Pein and I really should be focusing on rebuilding my friendship with Deidara and I didn't want to seem so slutty all the time, but I did because it felt good to not care, to just let Itachi take the lead.

His tongue ran across my lower lip as he rolled over to hover atop me, moving us away from Kisame at the same time. I willingly opened up for the coming tonsil hockey. His whole mouth tasted like blackberry wine and his hair, smelling of salt water, hung loose and tickled my face. I wrapped my right arm around his neck and the other one around his upper back, under his arms, resting my palm on his shoulder blade.

"What are you thinking?" I asked Itachi when we broke apart, smiling at him.

Itachi smirked a secretive smirk and said nothing. He just got off of me, helped me up, and then vanished into the bathroom for an early morning shower. After he left, I noticed that Pein, who had previously been asleep on the coffee table, had vanished.

_Oh, fuck, he saw us._

However, despite the confusion just caused by Itachi and the guilt caused by Pein's vanishing act, I had a good feeling. I just felt like today was going to be a very good day. And I felt like getting some food today.

I went into the kitchen and found Pein sitting on the island counter, staring at the open fridge. I stood in front of him, facing the fridge, and closed the door. He was wasting electricity, and if Kakuzu knew he was knowingly running up the energy bill, he'd kill him. Pein's hands wrapped around my bare stomach from behind and pulled me closer to him until I was against the edge of the island, between his two legs where he sat.

From behind, his lips pressed against the base of my neck. This was way too much attention from hot guys so early in the morning that my mind was going into overload and my massive hangover wasn't helping my judgment any, either. The blackberry wine had replaced my consciousness, sanity, and guilt-reflex. Why shouldn't I kiss Pein? Ten years wasn't so much, was it?

Pein kissed my neck again, an inch higher than before. "When you're sixteen, this won't be illegal anymore." He whispered. "Will you come back next year and give me a second chance when you're old enough?"

"You still like me?" I asked him breathlessly, lost in the moment. Honestly, I'd thought he'd been mature enough to just move on or be able to keep his emotions in check around me at least. Then again, he seemed just as buzzed as I was at the moment so that might explain this breech in our 'no touch' policy we'd enacted post-breakup.

"I like you." He assured me, kissing below my ear.

"But this," I said, putting my hands on his knees and running them a few inches up his things in a way no girl my age should do to a man ten years her senior, "is illegal until I'm sixteen?"

"Very illegal." Pen whispered, kissing my jaw.

I put one hand on the side of his face even though he was still behind me, pushing his head closer into my neck as he kissed it again. "Do you think we're so drunk that we'll forget this in an hour or two?"

"Probably." Pein told me what I wanted to hear, dotting kisses all over my neck.

"Then who's going to find out if we do something illegal?" I asked, spinning around to face him finally.

Pein sighed. "We shouldn't."

"But I want to," I pouted, and this time it was me kissing his neck.

"You're drunk." He reminded me.

"Your point?" I asked him, letting my lips hover just an inch from his and letting my hands rest a little too high to be appropriate on his thighs.

"We shouldn't," He repeated, pulling my body closer to his.

"Definitely not," I agreed.

And then, of course, his lips were on mine, my hands were in his hair, and we were totally ready to break the law. Until Itachi came out of the shower. "All yours Sakura. I'm going back to sleep." He called from down the hall, going into the bedroom instead of walking past the kitchen to return to the living room where he'd have to sleep on the floor again.

Pein and I leapt apart immediately. "Pick up on this next summer?" I asked him in a voice that was a little high. I knew I was blushing. Damn it.

"Y-yeah, okay." Pein said, also blushing and I went to take a shower while he went back into the living room to pass out again, both of us pretending that what just happened totally didn't happen.

When I got out of the shower, I still had a good feeling about the day. I made some cinnamon rolls for breakfast and everyone woke up, groggy and hung over, to devour them like people who had been starved.

After breakfast, Konan and Temari left to go pack for college. They only had a few days left before they had to be on campus. The others got ready for the beach except for Deidara and Sasori.

"Aren't you guys going to the beach?" I asked them, cleaning up in the kitchen while they lounged, sitting on the counter, looking like the beach was the last thing on their mind.

"Well, now that we're eighteen, we felt like going out to do some grown up, eighteen-year-old things." Sasori explained, looking like his evil, drunken self only a little extra evil today.

"Like buying porn and cigarettes and calling all those one eight-hundred numbers on the TV that say you must be eighteen years or older to call?" I guessed at their oh-so-mature plans with all the sarcasm I could muster.

"Exactly, un." Deidara answered proudly, not even fazed by my sarcasm.

"Do you want to come, Sakura?" Sasori asked.

"Sure, why not?" I gave in, and we all left immediately together without informing the others.

It was decided that we take Sasori's car. It only had one row of seating, though, so I was squished between Sasori in the driver's seat and Deidara in the passenger seat. Although, I guess there was no way we could have taken Deidara's motorcycle. The drunken part of my brain contemplated all three of us on the bike and smiled. I told the drunken part to shut up and stop fantasizing.

Sasori promptly drove us, at 100plus mph, to the convenience store to buy cigarettes. When we went in, I noticed the lottery tickets and remembered that Sasori and Deidara were also old enough to buy lotto tickets now. "Hey," I said, pulling on Deidara's sleeve while Sasori contemplated all the different kinds of cigarettes, "let's get a lotto ticket."

"Why, un?" Deidara asked, making a face. Our generation was just not into lotto tickets at all, huh?

"I just… feel good about today. C'mon, I'll pay for it and fill it out and everything; I just need you to get it for me, since I'm not eighteen." I pleaded.

"Okay, un…" Deidara said skeptically, knowing I'd lose. For sure. Lotteries were just so bogus. "Which one do you want?" He asked.

"The mega millions one, of course!" I huffed at him in an 'uh, duh!' tone.

"Oh, so you're gonna be a millionaire now, un?" Deidara humored me, handing me the ticket after purchasing it.

"If I win, I get to keep the money, right?" I asked him skeptically, before filling out the card.

"Sure, but you're not going to win, un." Deidara said, then added, "But if you lose, you have to be my slave for a _week_, un."

"Puh-lease," I said, filling out my card at lightning speed. "Your slave? That's so childish."

"So it's a deal then, un?" Deidara asked.

"Deal." I agreed, smiling wickedly and handing him my now-filled-out lotto ticket.

"Two, seven, six, thirty-five, one, and four, un? This is never going to win, un! You picked all low numbers except for thirty-five!" Deidara said, reading my ticket.

I pouted, angrily. "That is the best number sequence ever, I'll have you know!" I shouted, stomping my foot.

"What is it, un?" Deidara asked, sounding disgusted by my stupidity.

"It's the order you put paperback copies of the Harry Potter books in to make a rainbow!" I told him huffily. "2-7-6-3-5-1-4!"

"You have serious issues, un." Deidara informed me, but handed the lotto ticket to the guy anyway, who printed out our slip copy of the numbers.

"Good luck," He said, smiling at us.

"I got Camels!" Sasori yelled, coming towards us with his new pack of cigarettes.

"Smoke those, and I'll never kiss you again." I told him moodily as we shuffled out of the store.

"Awww," Sasori pouted.

We then drove to a kinky porn shop where the manager, an old fat guy, wouldn't stop staring at me, and Sasori and Deidara purchased a vile amount of pornography. "You guys are sick." I told them as we left, the old man still staring at my backside.

"It's all in good fun," Sasori said, smiling.

"Besides, this is giving me fun ideas for when you're my slave for a week, un." Deidara laughed.

"Pigs," I joked. I really couldn't stay mad at them, even if porn was totally disgusting.

Sasori faked pain. "Your words pierce me!"

I shook my head at his antics, and we drove back to the shop together.

When we got there, it was already time to open the shop. It was too hot to do much that day, in mid-august, so most people ducked from shop to shop for the free AC. When they ducked into our shop, however, we made sure to keep them there.

Somewhere between all the guys being topless to help endure the summer heat and me being in my bikini and some short-shorts, customers decided to stay a little longer and spend a little more. In the late afternoon, however, an unwelcome guest appeared. Kabuto.

"Hey, Mr. Creeper Van!" I called to him cheerily. I really did not like him.

"I assure you, I have no idea what you're talking about." He told me, walking straight to the cashier counter I was sitting behind and leaning on it, fogging up my counter, looking at me in a creepy way.

"What do you want?" I asked him moodily.

"I wanted to apologize to Kakuzu for the incident yesterday at the bank." He said, his voice oozing grease.

_**Bullshit.**_

"I'll go get him," I smiled, pretending to be sincere as I slid off my stool and disappeared into the back.

"Slutty little bitch," Kabuto whispered as I walked away but I ignored him.

When I returned with Kakuzu, Kakuzu smiled happily and punched Kabuto in the face.

"Ow!" Kabuto yelled. "How could you display such violence in front of your girlfriend?" He demanded in a stuck up, prick way.

"We're not dating." I informed him, disgusted that he even contemplated my private life.

Kabuto gave me this creepy, almost sincere-looking smile, his eyes twinkling. "Really?"

Kakuzu punched him again. Hard. We then tossed his unconscious body off the boardwalk because he was so obviously not worthy of the balcony. We did not see his slimy ass again for the rest of the day.

Finally, at 10:30, the shop finally, finally closed. Just in time for the lottery drawing at 11. I raced upstairs and the boys groggily followed. Dinner was thrown together at warp speed.

It actually turned out to be an omelet. It was breakfast food, but I could make it quickly and the boys didn't complain so it was all good. After throwing some toast with butter (or jam in Tobi's case) on their plates, we plopped in front of the TV for the lottery ticket.

"I love you, Sakura." Tobi smiled as he sat on the couch beside me and we turned on the television set.

"I love you too, Mr. Pirate." I told him, taking out my lottery ticket slip and snuggling closer to Tobi. If this were a cartoon, little hearts would be flying around us right now.

Pein slowly inched sideways until he was in position to sit on my other side but right before he could, Kakuzu jumped over the back of the couch and took his would-be place. Pein glared at Kakuzu briefly but Kakuzu gave him and innocent look and mouthed the words 'ten years' at Pein. Pein backed off immediately, trying his best not to look disappointed.

I watched the interesting exchange as Sasori came over and took it upon himself to sit on Tobi's lap, kiss me on the cheek, and just chill in that very spot as if he had every right in the world. Tobi, in an uncharacteristic display of annoyance, threw him off, but Sasori angrily dragged him to the floor with him, leaving the seat empty for Itachi to fill.

Itachi turned to me, raised his eyebrows suggestively, and then glared at Kakuzu when Kakuzu possessively dragged me into his lap. Zetsu immediately filled the space I left behind. "What's up, guys?" He asked, nodding and smiling as if what was happening here wasn't significant at all. Deidara promptly sat on Zetsu so, he too, was sitting next to me.

"SHARK ATTACK!" Kisame suddenly yelled, leaping towards the couch. All the guys immediately bailed, jumping out of the way. Even Kakuzu, speed of light, shoved me off of his lap and got out of Kisame's way so that Kisame landed entirely on me and the couch, the couch flipping over under Kisame's attack, both of us rolling over each other and into the wall.

I raised my hand limply beneath Kisame's weight since he'd landed on top of me. "I officially, hate all of you…"

"The lottery's about to come on, un." Deidara reminded me.

"Ahh!" I yelled in excitement, somehow miraculously finding the strength to push Kisame off of me, and jump back into the couch with enough force to flip it back over into the proper, standing position. Bonbon meowed and happily jumped into my lap as all the guys stared at me in surprise. Normally, there was no way in hell I'd be able to get Kisame off of me.

That's how excited I was for this lottery drawing. I had a very good feeling about today.

"Across America, with mega jackpots, it's Mega Millions time." The pre-recorded voice on TV announced.

Then, another guy in a suit came on and said "Hello America, I'm John Croach. Friday, August 15th, and tonight Mega Millions jackpot is an estimated _233 million dollars!_

"To win tonight you have to match all five white balls and that gold mega ball." He said. And, with that, the balls were, quite literally, rolling. I glance back and forth between my lotto ticket, reading _02, 07, 06, 35, 01, (04)_ and the TV screen.

The first ball: 2

"YES!" I screamed from the couch. "C'mon, Harry Potter rainbow, _for the win!"_

"You do realize that winning the lottery is almost statistically impossible, right?" Zetsu asked me. Party pooper.

Second ball: 7

"…no way." Sasori said in awe, shaking his head.

"Yes way." Tobi said, nodding happily.

Third ball: 9

"FUCK!" Hidan yelled, until he realized that the nine had a line on top of it, marking it as a six.

"You're such an idiot." Kakuzu told him.

Fourth ball: 35

"Holy shit…" Itachi whispered.

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god…" Kisame was muttering over and over, shaking.

Fifth ball: 1

"There's no way this can be happening, un." Deidara muttered. " No way, un…"

"I never realized the power of rainbows." Pein mumbled.

"And _that_ was your first mistake!" I told him.

"And now for the Mega Ball. Tonight's Mega Ball is-"

The TV went dead. Bonbon had accidentally stepped on the remote right at the most important moment.

"Noo!" I screamed and lunged at the kitty, who jumped out of the way. I, instead, slid into the remote control. I grabbed it, it suddenly becoming a difficult device to use as I struggled to figure out how to turn the TV back on and it kept slipping around in my hands until Kisame, tired of the wait, tried to grab it from me to do it himself.

However, Kisame was just as clumsy as me and he dropped the remote and then stepped on it, accidentally crushing it.

"Ah!" We all yelled at once.

"You idiot!" Sasori yelled at Kisame.

"How are we supposed to turn on the TV now?" Tobi demanded, boggled out of his mind and we all began to run around frantically.

"Why don't we just push the button on the TV set?" Kakuzu suggested wisely, him and Pein and Itachi being the only ones sane enough not to have just had a massive flip out because of the remote.

"Oh yeah…" We all remembered that the TV also had buttons on it.

Calmly, Pein walked over to the TV and pressed the power button. The Asian announcer guy appeared once more.

"Once again, here are your winning numbers." He announced, smiling, and a screen appeared, displaying the numbers. "Again, the Mega Million numbers are 2, 7, 6, 35, 1, and 4. Be sure to join us for the next drawing on Tuesday. Play on America!"

"I won…" I whispered.

"No way." Deidara looked absolutely speechless.

"IN YOUR FACE, RAINBOW DOUBTER! I FUCKING WON!" I screamed.

-END CHAPTER-

_A/N: Okay, yeah, you can put the __HP__ books in rainbow order, but that order only works for the paperback copies. Why __HP__? Well, the Half-Blood Prince finally came out on HBO, which I have free for three months (yay, fios!) and I've been watching it all week._

_Did you likey?_

_Also, I am, of course, still accepting pics for the photo scene in Chapter 34. And all other fanarts are also appreciated. Yay!_

_Mission to reviewers: This is gonna be my last update until after my birthday, probably, because I made sleep over plans at a house without internet. So, your job is to wish me a happy birthday, okay? PLEASE?_


	37. Gaara Makes a Friend

_A/N: I'm so sorry! I deserve to be beaten with a stick for taking this long to update! I've been through hell and back this past month. So much working! And my mom keeps stealing the laptop! Gah, I hate sharing with her! And my friends literally blindfolded me and took me to six flags for a surprise party—which makes them the best friends EVER! So… that and a bunch of other things are my excuses for why this chapter is so colossally late. Sorry…_

_Disclaimer: Well, this is depressing…_

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 37**

**Gaara Makes a Friend**

The first thing I noticed when I woke up was that I was in a bathtub. I quickly sat up, startled, and the bath water splashed from the sudden movement. Only, it wasn't bath water. There were two or three inches of blackberry wine in the tub and a half full glass bottle of blackberry wine in my hand and all I was wearing was a bikini I had no recollection of buying.

"What happened?" I asked aloud.

A snore was the only answer I got. The snore came from Sasori, who was sitting, hunched over and asleep, in the sink, and he was wearing nothing but a toga. Like a legitimate toga. Not just the bed sheets, frat boy toga, but a _real_ toga. There is something messed up about that…

Worse than the whole sleeping-in-a-tub-of-blackberry-wine thing, was that I did not recognize the bathroom we were in. Looking around at the tan wall paper, two person bathroom counter with two sinks and the toilet paper that had a logo pressed in it, it was obvious I was in a hotel room. And so was Sasori. So where were the others?

I figured the first thing to do was wake up first, so I headed to the sink Sasori wasn't passed out in to splash water on my face and noticed that the blackberry wine had seriously dyed the ends of my hair purple. _**Aw, fuck**_. The purple didn't bother me much, but if it didn't wash out, I'd have to cut my hair, and I really didn't want to. I'd been growing it for years and it hadn't been trimmed in months. Lucky for me, that hadn't resulted in split ends, and, thus, I had grown to love its length and fullness.

With a sigh, I washed my face and brushed my teeth with the hotel tooth brush and toothpaste. They even had Q-tips, so I decided to clean out my ears, too. Then I noticed my piercings from Pein. It still hadn't been six weeks yet, so I couldn't take any of them out. I'd gotten used to the extra weight in my ears, but I still wasn't comfortable with the fact that every time I looked at my ears, I was reminded of the boy I couldn't have. I remembered the scene in the kitchen yesterday morning… er, the other morning—how much time had passed?—and I blushed. When I reached up to play with one of the earrings, I realized that somebody had written 'Rainbow Powah!' on my forearm in black marker.

_Flashback_

"_Hah! Rainbow power, for the win!" I screamed, jumping up and down on the couch, pointing in Deidara's face._

_Deidara looked devastated. "It's not possible, un…" He kept muttering, like that would make it go away._

"_I just won two hundred and thirty-three million dollars!" I screamed to the roof, too excited to taunt Deidara any longer._

"_I think this calls for a drink!" Sasori suggested, also ignoring Deidara's catatonic behavior._

_Hidan was already breaking out drinks, bringing us blackberry wine and beers from the secret stash. We each took a bottle each, bumped them together and yelled "Cheers!"_

_End Flashback_

"Rainbows won the lottery?" I asked aloud, remembering. "Two hundred thirty-three MILLION DOLLARS?"

Speed of light, I scrubbed the words off of my arm. I then drank a glass of water. Then another. My hangover was pounding in my head, and the cool water helped ease the ache. It was surprisingly clean water, for coming from a hotel sink.

_Must be a fancy hotel…_

When I finished guzzling water, I put the glass down, which was engraved with the same logo as the toilet paper, and sat on the counter. "Okay, Sakura, think… think…" I said to myself, straining to remember last night.

We'd obviously gotten drunk as all hell to celebrate. Most likely, the extreme amount of blackberry wine I'd consumed was the reason I was having a hard time remembering everything, but it should all come back to me after the hangover subsided. All the thinking was giving me a headache. Rubbing at my temples, I decided the first thing to do was find the rest of the guys.

Well, Sasori was located. There didn't appear to be anyone else in the bathroom, so, ignoring the blackberry wine in the tub, I opened the door and stepped into the hotel room.

_**And you thought the BATHROOM was big.**_

The 'room' was giant. Mostly because it wasn't just one room. It was like a whole building, with a high ceiling, chandeliers, a living room, a kitchen, a dining room, and doors to bedrooms and closets and everything. _This_ was either a penthouse suite or a villa. There was luxury furniture and floor-to-ceiling windows on the north wall (the curtains were drawn, though, so I couldn't see the scenery beyond) and fancy lighting with knock-offs of famous statues and Persian rugs all over the place.

It was the nicest place I'd ever been in, and I'd visited the White House once on a school trip. This put the whole wide world to shame. This was the most luxurious, amazing place I'd ever seen and I couldn't believe it. Nor could I believe what was in it.

In addition to the amazing furniture and décor, there were plenty of passed out teenage boys to counter the beauty of the room around them. The first boy I saw, I didn't recognize at first.

Only his head was visible, as he had been completely cocooned in and then taped to the wall with duct tape with only his head sticking out, and he was bald. Really, really bald. Like, so bald that his head was shiny. He was sleeping, and it took me a moment to figure out that it was Sasuke. A bald, passed out, duct taped Sasuke.

"Pfft!" I sputtered, trying my best not to laugh too hard at his misfortune.

_Flashback_

_We were on a plane, if the vinyl seats that were such a pain in my ass were any hint. I was leaning up to put Konan, Temari, Bonbon and I's satchel of nefarious plots in the overhead compartment. The overhead was empty except for Sasuke, who was only partially wrapped in duct tape at this point in time._

"_Sakura, what about clothes?" Temari asked from her seat beside Konan. Her cheeks were red, and Temari doesn't blush, so I knew she was drunk. "We don't have any luggage besides that satchel…"_

"_We'll buy some when we get there." I told her demurely. Then I glared at Sasuke, whose feet were in the way of my stachel's future spot in the overhead compartment. "You know," I pointed at him floppily, slurring my words horribly in my seriously drunken state, "You're hair looks like chicken ass!"_

"_It does not!" Sasuke whined, and it was obvious that he was drunk too._

"_Yes it does," I told him, looking very angry but giggling and hiccupping anyway, "and I hates it."_

"_Then I'll shave it off, if you hate it so much!" Sasuke declared, sounding very much like a petulant child._

"_Yes, let's do that." Itachi smiled, suddenly appearing beside me. His left hand was around my waist and his right hand held a razor._

_Sasuke's eyes went wide and sober immediately. He screamed but that only encouraged us._

_End Flashback_

"Shit, we were on a plane." I swore, when I remembered that we had decided to fly away from California. Even if California is the best place on earth, we decided to leave. What did we care? I had just won $233M. "So where the fuck are we?" I asked aloud. I couldn't remember where we went. I rushed over to the window, but I tripped over a C4 canoe that Deidara had sculpted and was now sleeping in.

_Right. I need to find everyone first, before worrying about where we are._

_**Okay, so we found Deidara, Sasori, Sasuke, and each other. What about the rest?**_

Reaching out to push myself off the floor, my hand touched something very fuzzy, and the fur was coarse, so I knew it was not Bonbon. Whatever it was, it growled at me and I was suddenly too afraid to look up and see what it was. I heard Bonbon hiss back at whatever growled and decided I needed to see what had growled in the first place.

I wish I hadn't looked. It was a giant panda. That's right. A freaking panda bear. It was sitting on its butt, it's hind legs spread out like a lazy teenage boys would be, and growling at Bonbon, who was crouched low to the ground, glaring at the panda, and shifting her weight, ready to dodge or pounce, if need be. Strangest part about this whole situation? In the panda's lap, sound asleep in his arms, was Gaara.

_Flashback_

"_Let's steal Temari!" I decided, looking evil as I stood, holding a bottle of blackberry wine in one hand, and Tobi's hand in the other, on the boardwalk outside Pein's shop._

"_Sounds fun!" Tobi smiled, looking tired and dizzy, which is what happened when we got him liquored up._

_Staggering all the way, we walked down the boardwalk to The Desert Coffin. It was late and the lights were out but that didn't stop us from throwing a giant rock Kisame found at the door, breaking the glass. We crawled through, up the stairs, and into Termari's room. She was reading a book on her bed and she hardly had time to look up before I had grabbed her, covered her mouth with my hand, and dragged her down the stairs. The boys followed, carrying Gaara, Sasuke, and Naruto above their heads._

"_We got the virgin sacrifices for the pagan ritual, Itachi!" Kisame yelled. It was obvious bullshit but Itachi enjoyed scaring the shit out of his brother, so he went along with it._

"_Good work. Don't forget to salt them or the meat will be dry." Itachi smirked viciously at his brother._

_Temari licked my hand that was covering her mouth and I immediately let go. "What the fuck?" She demanded._

"_I'm rich, bitch!" I screamed, shoving a beer into her hand, and leading her down the boardwalk to the cars._

_Temari rolled her eyes and took a drink as the boys wrapped Sasuke in duct tape to get him to stop squirming. We all stuffed ourselves into Tobi's monster truck even though there wasn't nearly enough room. As it was, we'd already tied Pablo and Paulette to the roof with bungee cords._

_I myself was sitting on Kakuzu's lap, but he certainly wasn't complaining, even though everyone else was. I turned on Kakuzu's lap to face Temari in the back; she was sitting on Gaara's lap, which was weird…_

"_Hey, Temari?" I asked, using a baby voice._

"_Hmm?" She hmm'd, feeling too awkward in the jam-packed car to be too talkative._

"_Why's your brother wear guy-liner? It makes him look like a panda." I inquired, pointing at Gaara, whose mouth was duct taped shut by now._

"_They really are dark circles, Sakura." Temari deadpanned._

_I pouted. Gaara glared at me. "Don't you glare at me!" I snapped at him. "At least I have friends, unlike youuu!"_

_Gaara gave me a 'what the fuck, where did that come from' look. I didn't care, because in that moment, inspiration struck._

"_We shall find you a friend!" I declared, pointing at the roof of the car. "Tobi!"_

"_Yes?" Tobi asked, driving terribly on the highway._

"_Oh, dearest facebook hubby of mine, can we make a stop at the San Diego Zoo? I need to pick something up for Gaara." I was now using this terribly slutty voice._

"_Of course, wifey." Tobi said, smiling in a malicious way I'd never seen before and changing course for San Diego._

_End Flashback_

I just stared at Gaara and the panda for several minutes.

…_We stole a panda…_

_**Damn, how'd we get it through security at the airport?**_

_Don't ask questions, I don't want another flashback. They're giving me a headache._

Sighing, I rose from the spot on the floor I'd previously fallen to, thanks to Deidara's C4 canoe. From a standing position I could see Kisame in the corner, sleeping, shirtless, with a bottle in his hand. Next to him, in a pile of skittles—

_Flashback_

"_Taste the rainbow." I whispered to Itachi in the darkness of the hotel room._

_End Flashback_

—was Itachi.

_**I can't believe you stole Gaara's joke…**_

_It was a good joke!_ I mentally whined. It's not like Gaara had any claims to the Skittles tag line just because he'd said it in the kitchen, oh, how many days ago?

On the couch was the only person who seemed to make it to a couch, Zetsu. He was entirely naked sans a pair of small boxers. He was snoring softly, his right hand on his stomach, his left hand on the rim of Spike's pot on the floor. Like that, he looked really, really cute.

"Hey, look who's conscious." A deep baritone said from behind me. I swung around, breaking my eye rape of Zetsu, to see Kakuzu emerging from a bedroom door. He was shirtless. Of course. Why does every boy I know have a six pack and nice pecks that are well defined in that perfect way that doesn't look like man boobs? Why are they never fully clothed?

"Err… good morning…?" I said, uncertain as to the time of the day.

"It's three in the afternoon." He informed me, walking closer to me and ruffling my hair, showing off his insane height once again.

_**What is he? Six foot six?**_

_Yup, around there._

"Ugh," I groaned, "How long was I out?"

"Oh, only a few hours, actually. Anyway, I'm hungry. Can you make some food?" He asked, steering me into the kitchen.

On the counter was Hidan, amongst various ingredients. I sighed. "So, where are the others?" I asked, looking around for cinnamon to make some monkey bread. It was always a crowd pleaser.

"Temari and Konan fell asleep earlier. We just left them in one of the other bedrooms. Tobi took Pablo and Paulette on a pirating adventure." Kakuzu informed me.

"'Pirating adventure'?" I inquired.

"Basically he rented a boat. With your money." Kakuzu glared at the last part.

"Oh, come on." I rolled my eyes at him, finally finding the spice cabinet and pulling out the cinnamon. "I won $233 million, I think Tobi can rent a boat with some of it. It's not going to cost that much to do so."

Kakuzu pouted.

"So, where's—" I began as I opened a cupboard, looking for bowls. I was cut off though because Naruto fell out of the cupboard, totally unconscious, knocking both of us to the ground. "NARUTO?"

Naruto turned over, still on top of me, and grumbled: "Mm, no more beer, Sakura. I don't want anymore."

I glared at him and pushed him off of me, standing back up at the counter. "So, where's Pein?"

"Ah, well, he thought it was best to go with Tobi sailing and get away from you, after, you know, what happened…" Kakuzu trailed off.

I spun on him. "What happened?"

Kakuzu almost seemed embarrassed to be put on the spot like that. Almost. But he played it cool. "You don't remember?"

"I hardly remember anything," I glared at him, wanting to know what happened that Pein was trying to get away from me. We were totally broken up now.

_**You made out with him in a kitchen.**_

_Shut up._

Did something… _else_ happen last night that he thought it was best to get away from me? What would make him do that. A ten year age difference hadn't made him back off much, so… something worse must have happened.

"Good." Kakuzu interrupted my mental breakdown. It took me a minute to realize he was saying it was good that I didn't remember. What was so good about it? What the hell had happened?

I narrowed my eyes. "Just tell me what happened, Kakuzu."

"Make me." Kakuzu said, like a child. He must still be buzzed, because he's never this playful.

I glared harder at him. If he's gonna be like that, I can play that game. I dropped the glare and smiled up at him. He was confused by my tactics. Perfect. I stepped closer to him and grabbed both his hands with mine.

"What are you doing, Sakura?" He asked, playing cool, but he was getting goose bumps so I knew I was freaking him out. I was so proud of myself.

"You know…" I said, backing up into the counter, him following me step by step. "We've never kissed before, have we?"

Now I had him. A weaker Kakuzu would have salivated by the point. He stood there, looking tall and freaked out. I smirked. He leaned in. I ducked and wove my way out of his path, slapped Hidan on the counter and the moment Hidan's eyes snapped open I yelled "Kakuzu, you beast!"

Hidan looked between my fake 'you monster' face and Kakuzu, did some simple math in his head, and lunged at Kakuzu. A brawl ensued. That's what he gets for not telling me what happened. Smiling in victory, I headed over to the windows, which I was sure led to a balcony, for a breath of fresh air. I threw open the curtains and looked out. My jaw dropped.

"Holy shit, where are we?"

-END CHAPTER-

_A/N: Ugh. I wanted to do the flashback scene for 'what happened' but I feel like there's no way I'm going to write it in this chapter, so I'm going to end it here and just post it, since I desperately owe you guys an update. Like, really badly. Again, I'm soooo sorry._

_**Anyway, CONTEST TIME: If, before the next chapter is posted, you are the first to review with a correct guess as to where they are (and I knew I had to send them to this SPECIFIC place since April!) you can have a free Naruto oneshot. Any pairing, any genre, any weird base plot you want. No OCs though, please (except ones that exist in this story like Pablo, Paulette, Gertrude, Spike, Bonbon, etc.). So review with your guess. The only hints you get are in this chapter (which isn't much). Good luck! Now review!**_

_I'll update sooner next time! Bye guys!_


	38. What Happened

_A/N: Hey, everybody! So, as I thought, no one guessed correctly as to where they were in the last chapter. Except for ONE. With her amazing guess of "They are in a fancy hotel room, where they woke up in"_

_Yea, okay, __Mistic Wolfess__, sure. We'll go with that._

_Warning: I use the word fuck in this chapter a LOT. It's a very sexual chapter. You've been warned. Young ones, turn away now. Just, seriously, run for the hills. I should be taken out back and shot in the head, then have cinderblocks tied to my feet and have my body dumped into a deep body of water for this._

_Disclaimer: Bring it bitches! Sue me! …If you dare._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 38**

**What Happened**

"Where are we?" I asked again, awestruck.

Outside the window, past the balcony, was nothing but clear blue water on all sides. We were in the middle of some ocean shallows.

"The Maldives." Hidan answered, stopping his attack on Kakuzu.

"The _what?_" I asked testily. I'd never heard of it.

"A small island chain south of Sri Lanka." Kakuzu, my new human Wikipedia, explained.

"Why here?" I asked.

"It was the first flight out of LAX." Kakuzu said.

Of course. Hopped up on blackberry wine and 233 million, I'd grab the first flight out, no matter where it was going.

"Wait… we _accidentally_ wound up in a tropical paradise?" I asked for confirmation.

"Pretty much." Hidan shrugged.

"Fuck yeah!" I cheered, giddy.

"So… are you going to make us breakfast?" Kakuzu inquired, seeming a little impatient. He must be hungry.

"Okay," I shrugged. I moved back to the kitchen counter, nudged Naruto out of my way with my foot, and started opening cupboards, looking for food. The kitchen was indeed well stocked but the bread on the counter was approaching stale. French toast it was.

As I bustled about the kitchen, Hidan and Kakuzu took to sitting on the counter, as far apart as possible, and watching me work. Just as I was finishing, Itachi's phone, in his pocket, went off. His ringtone, being _Wonderwall_ by Oasis, was loud. Moaning and groaning, all the boys in the room woke up. The only unaccounted ones were Tobi and Pein, on Tobi's pirating adventure, Sasori, still passed out in his toga in the bathroom, and Konan and Temari, sleeping in the bedroom.

Zetsu turned over on the couch, and shoved his face into a pillow to delay waking up. Gaara and his panda seemed to be in a staring competition. The panda looked like he was considering mauling Gaara. Bonbon had hopped nimbly over to the rousing Kisame to leap on his shoulder and snuggle into his cheek, purring with delight that her giant fishy God had awoken to protect her from the panda she so loathed. Sasuke, bald and taped to a wall, was the first one to speak.

"I hate all of you." was all he said. He then returned to his default setting of brooding in silence.

Naruto sat up from the place he'd fallen to on the ground and rubbed his head, groaning at the hangover headache. I kindly handed him a glass of water and he mouthed a word of thanks before taking a sip. While I just smiled at his simplicity and dealt out the French toast, Deidara rolled out of his C4 canoe and Itachi answered his phone.

"Hello?" Itachi asked, a little grumpy about being up. He immediately started pushing the packs of Skittles away from his person before he stood up.

The answer to his greeting was so loudly screamed that everybody in the room could hear. "WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A CHARGE ON MY CREDIT CARD FOR 15 PLANE TICKETS TO THE MALDIVE ISLANDS?" Itachi's father yelled through the receiver.

Itachi remained calm. His father wasn't usually this pissed off. Mr. Fugaku Uchiha was, of course, loaded beyond all belief, so he didn't always check his credit card statement thoroughly. The times when we'd used his credit card in the past, like for clothes and Vitamin E, he hadn't noticed. However, I guess 15 last minute plane tickets to the Maldives had created such a huge hole in his pocket, even he had noticed.

"Sasuke wanted a vacation to reinvent himself." Itachi told his father.

There was silence on the other line.

"Would you like to speak to him?" Itachi asked.

After a brief pause for Mr. Uchiha's regular-volume response, Itachi walked over to Sasuke's spot, taped to the wall outside the bathroom, and held the phone up to Sasuke's ear. Sasuke only briefly glared at Itachi, before focusing on his father voice.

"Hi, Dad…" there was a pause.

Itachi gave Sasuke The Look. A very scary look, in Sasuke's opinion. Itachi was smiling in a way that could only be described as… gentlemanly, but, beyond its radiance, we could all tell a dark, angry aura lurked.

"Yes. I really, really wanted to go to the Maldives with my lovable big brother Itachi and all his friends." Sasuke lied through his teeth, grimacing. "Yes. We've really connected this summer." Sasuke grit out, hating himself for spewing such lies when all he wanted to tell his father was that we'd kidnapped him, shaved him bald, and duct taped him to a wall.

"REALLY?" A female voice on the other end of the phone screamed in delight. It had to be Itachi and Sasuke's mom. Sasuke face went from pissed, to guilty in a second.

Itachi pulled the phone away from Sasuke. "Hi, Mom, it's me." He smiled a real smile. Even for the typically apathetic Itachi, it was impossible for him to not love his mother. "Yes, don't worry, we'll take care of him." Itachi answered some question the rest of us hadn't heard. "Okay, I'll see you when we get back, I love you, bye." Itachi spoke, completely unembarrassed to tell his mom he loved her in front of his friends.

After he'd hung up, I held the large plate of French toast above my head for all to see. "Who's hungry~?"

Their eyes became the size of softballs. Men sure do get hungry easily, huh? Just as it looked like they were about to lunge at me with full force to scarf down the French toast with record speed and an all time low in etiquette, Sasori stumbled out of the bathroom, still in his toga, looking extremely dizzy but still pleasantly buzzed. "I'm telling you," he mumbled to no one in particular, glaring at the floor and pointing at the ceiling, "I'm the biggest."

Zetsu, fed up from all the mumbling and talking and yelling while he was trying to sleep, turned his head, glared at Sasori, and threw Spike, his cactus, pot included at Sasori with only one arm. Considering Spike weighed at least 50lbs, this was quite a feat. Luckily, Sasori accidentally dodged it by tripping over his toga at just the right moment so Spike actually hit Sasuke, still duct taped to the wall, in the balls.

I had to put the French toast down so I wouldn't drop it while I was rolling on the floor, laughing my ass off at Sasuke's misfortune. However, as I was laughing, I realized something. Sasori had said 'I'm the biggest' and I had no idea why. That's when I remembered why Pein felt the need to escape with Tobi on the pirating adventure. I remembered _what_ happened.

_Flashback_

_Naruto, Sasuke, and Gaara (with his panda), our designated pack mules, were driving back to the airport in our last minute rental car (which looked just like Bumblebee from __Transformers__) to retrieve Konan and Temari. Since there were so many of us, it had taken multiple trips between the airport and the hotel for all of us to get to the hotel. And, by the way, the hotel did not look at all like a hotel._

_Actually, the rooms were giant huts. And they were all on wooden bases, resting just above the surface of the ocean. Using Itachi's Dad's credit card since we didn't feel like waiting to properly collect my lottery winnings, we had paid extra to book the largest hut/hotel-room. The water was clear and the sand was white and we were in paradise. And, more importantly, we were _drunk_ in paradise._

_I was clad only in a string bikini I'd purchased (once again with Itachi's Dad's credit card) in the airport. With so much exposed skin, when Sasori pulled me close to him, it made my heart beat more than usual. It was early in the morning here, but a bit muggy. Sasori had pulled off his shirt, and most of the guys had followed his example._

_My bare skin was pressed against Sasori's bare skin. Somehow, on an island getaway that is normally only used for honeymoons, it meant more than it normally did. Plus, I was filled to the brim with blackberry wine and tired from flying for so long._

_Even though I was used to seeing them shirtless en masse, and even hugging them while they were shirtless, it seemed different now. What, with the humidity leaving just a slim sheen of sweat, making their muscles glisten in a sexy way, not a total Edward Cullen fail way. In this situation, I can't be blamed for my heart beating a little faster and my breath becoming a little shallower. Honestly, I was alone on an island in a hotel hut with ten overly sexy guys that I love and trust. Dirty thoughts were starting to creep into my mind. If the others didn't get back soon and stop me, I was gonna go full-out slut._

**Go! Go! Go! Fuck 'em!**

"_So, what do you want to do?" Sasori asked me in that smexy voice of him. For some reason, the lewd edge to his tone of voice was much more pronounced. It was suggestive enough of a question for my Inner self to give her honest answer to the question out loud._

"_**Fuckkk**__…" She muttered, dazed by Sasori's sex-godliness. Maybe I should try sobering up, or something bad was about to happen to me._

"_Good choice!" Sasori smiled, as if he'd been prepared for this at anytime all along. "You never did get to open your Valentine's Day present." He added, his voice now so thick with implication it almost suffocated my last shreds of innocence._

"_Wait, un." Deidara put his hand on Sasori's chest to stop him from dragging me into the sex-dungeon/hut-of-fuck._

"_What? I'll share." Sasori offered._

_I didn't know how to feel about that, considering I like to feel special, not like an object to be played with and fought over at the playground until it finally breaks and is thrown out and forgotten. But I was still too dazed by Sasori's pheromones to castrate him at this moment for saying something so demeaning. He's lucky I love him._

"_That's not what I'm talking about," Deidara glared a little at Sasori on my behalf. Maybe he didn't want me to be with Sasori? Maybe, just maybe, he didn't want me to be anyone but him? Oh, if he were jealous, I'd be so happy. But he probably wasn't. Well, at least he was serious about stopping this, since he'd dropped the 'un'._

"_Yeah, fuck, I agree with Deidara." Hidan stepped in. "Sakura's first fuck shouldn't be with _you_." He said accusingly, gesturing to Sasori as if he weren't nearly as attractive as he is. Sasori did not look pleased. "Her first fuck should be me. So hand her over." He held out his hand as if Sasori were just going to deposit me there as if I were a small item purchased at a convenience store and not a full grown woman… girl… young lady?_

"_Why you?" Sasori asked, the question sounding a lot like an insult. He ignored Hidan's outstretched hand._

_Hidan huffed, and just grabbed my hand, trying to pull me away from Sasori as if this were some sort of custody battle and they were my divorced, hateful parents. "Because my dick is bigger than yours." Hidan said, matter-of-fact. "And her first fuck should be with someone with a big fucking dick."_

_My jaw dropped. Was this conversation seriously happening here? Okay, we had defiantly had too much to drink. Hopefully my virgin ears won't remember this conversation later._

_Oh, I felt so awkward all of a sudden. However, Kisame did not. "Well if we're going by biggest dick fucks first, then I should do her." He offered. Bonbon, chilling in his pocket, poked her head out and glared at me. Apparently, she didn't like sharing her toys, Kisame included._

"_Not likely," Kakuzu scoffed at the very notion of Kisame having a bigger penis than him._

_I was almost convinced I was hallucinating at this point. As far as I was concerned, this wasn't happening._

"_No offence, but I'm obviously the most well endowed." Itachi stated as if the fact should be obvious._

"_Please. My hand is longer than her waist is wide, and you know what they say about big hands." Kisame held his hand up for emphasis. It was indeed large. Everything about Kisame was pretty massive so his—_

_I. Need. To. Stop. Thinking._

"_My hand is just as big as yours," Kakuzu pointed out._

"_We're not talking about hands, we're talking about dicks. And I'm the biggest, so I get to go first." Sasori interjected._

"_Oh, I am _definitely_ bigger than you, un." Deidara said, smirking with a superior air about him at Sasori._

"_Tobi is a good boy and Tobi is a big boy, so Tobi wins!" Tobi threw in to this penis showdown that seemed to be developing in front of me. I never knew Tobi, my lovable pirate, even had remotely sexual thoughts. And those times he'd kissed me while sleeping… what exactly had he been dreaming about?_

_Soon, their antics were going to make me blush so hard I would permanently have to recede into my own little world of denial. I couldn't comprehend reality anymore._

"_Tobi _is_ a good boy, but I'm not sure about the big part." Zetsu responded to Tobi's outburst, amused. "Shall we check?" He asked, holding out the measuring tape he uses to track Spike's growth. He used to use if for Gertrude but after Bonbon had killed Gertrude, he turned to measuring Spike, Tobi's apology cactus gift._

"_Hey," Pein finally interrupted them. His face was hard and his eyes were superior. I hadn't seen him act like this since the first day I met him, when he'd seemed to perfectly fit the expectations of a leader of a gang. I was so shocked to see this personality reemerge after so much time that I actually jumped a little. "She's not some piece of meat you can toss around like a couple of junk yard dogs."_

_For a second, when he said that, I thought he was being sweet. But then he just had to keep talking._

"_I'm the leader. If she's going to screw anyone, it's gonna be me. And only me."_

_And now that I thought he was a total jerk, he just had to put more icing on the cake by saying one last thing._

"_Besides, I have a bigger dick than any of you."_

_What._

_An._

_Ass._

_Are all men like this about their penis?_

_All the other guys stared at him for a few seconds in silence. I thought they might even listen to him, since he seemed so serious, and he _was_ the leader. However, their blank looks turned into disgust._

"_Pedophile." Deidara pointed accusingly at Pein._

"_Dude, you're ten years older than her. That's messed up." Kisame added._

"_Besides, we're not treating her like a piece of meat. We like her. She likes us. It's just a matter of who goes first." Sasori explained._

**Justify it anyway you want to, Sasori, I'll just chill here in my reverse harem.**

"_Yeah. What the fuck, Pein? No one wants to fuck meat anyway. At least Sakura will scream." Hidan pointed out._

"_Alright, I'm always confused by you, Hidan. Are we talking about sex or some sort of sacrifice?" I asked for clarification._

"_Eh, you know, a little of fucking this, a little of that." Hidan shrugged._

Well, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

_I decided not to ask. "This and that" in Hidan's book was not something I wanted to explore at this present time._

"_Yeah, well you might have to wait your turn to mutilate her. Let's measure." Zetsu looked a little too apathetic for what he was saying._

"_Wait, you're actually going to-?" I didn't need to finish my question. I really couldn't speak anymore as nine man-boys began undoing their belts in front of me (since Pein was pouting in a corner about being called a pedophile). "Eep!" I squeaked. Screw what Inner Sakura had to say and what their moist, toned muscles and pheromones were doing to my brain, I was not fucking ready for this. I covered my eyes._

_There was shuffling and then a low whistle._

_Then I heard Sasori say: "Damn."_

"_Fuck, dude, that thing is _massive._ You're going to fucking break her."_ _Hidan added._

_That was it. I couldn't help it._

_I peeked._

_Those. Bastards._

_They were all standing, pants very much still on, just waiting for me to look and when I did, they all grinned._

"_You peeked, un." Deidara smirked._

"_She-pervert." Kisame accused, smiling viciously._

_I blushed crimson and glared at them. "Shut up! It's natural for a girl my age to be curious!"_

"_I'm sorry they're so mean to you." Pein whispered in my ear. He'd somehow overcome his depression and was now right next to me, running his fingers over my stomach to embrace me in a side hug._

_That close to him, I could tell that he was really, really drunk. Like, super drunk. Which was why he was showing me affection again when, while he was sober, he contained himself well. There was only one explanation. Pein still liked me. Oh shit._

"_Pein…" Itachi said in a warning tone while Pein played with the knot keeping my bikini bottoms on._

"_Hey, old man, don't fucking touch her like that!" Hidan yelled, pissed and shocked by Pein's behavior._

_Pein pouted, giving Hidan an annoyance meets sadness expression. "I'll touch her however I want."_

_Oh boy, did he seem seriously horny._

"_Then Tobi will touch her how he wants too!" Tobi cheered, bounding towards us and engulfing both of us in a hug, completely killing the mood._

_For the millionth time, I thanked God for people like Tobi. Best. Pirate. Ever._

_End Flashback_

"Oh shit," I whispered. "Pein still likes me."

The thing was, I liked Pein too, but, unlike him, I had others from the opposite gender to distract me from my attraction to him which was helping me recover from our forced breakup a lot faster than he was. The only girls he had to look at were Konan (who is his cousin, so she doesn't really count), Temari and me.

This whole Pein thing needed to stop. I didn't want to have him arrested for pedophilia or anything and it wasn't fair to him for me to be mooning over his nine best friends while he only mooned over me. He wasn't like the others, who'd signed the Bang-Buddy Agreement. He wasn't up for sharing. Come to think of it, Kakuzu wasn't bound by the Bang-Buddy Agreement either. "Fuckkk…" I moaned.

"Do you really wanna go there again, Sakura?" Kakuzu asked, holding out his hand to help me up. I took it and he easily pulled me to my feet. (In case you forgot during that extremely long flashback, I was on the floor laughing because Sasuke was emasculated by a cactus)

He was teasing me, I knew, since I'd said the same thing last night and meant something else entirely (since it had been my Inner to say it, not me). When he lifted me from the floor he had made sure I'd be pressed against his sexy, chiseled abdominals. Well, two can play at that game.

"Maybe," I smirked, running just the tips of my fingernails across his stomach and around him so I was hugging his waist. "Maybe not…" I smiled viciously.

Kakuzu smirked, pretending to be amused when he really wasn't. For revenge, he jabbed me in the tummy and, due to my ticklish-ness, I began to die of hysterics. "Tease." He accused, now actually amused because I was dying here, right in his arms, from laughter. He continued to run his fingers up and down my sides, tickling me more.

"S-stop! Seriously!" I demanded, crying from laughing so hard. You know how tickling gets. It goes from good to horrible very quickly and we were at the horrible part. My stomach was going to explode if he didn't stop. To avoid falling down and injuring myself, I was clinging to his bare chest, hoping I wasn't about to die laughing. Or piss myself, whichever came first.

I fucking hate being tickled.

"What are you two doing?" Konan asked, seeming wierded out.

"Is this some kind of tickle-fetish session? 'Cause we can leave." Temari added.

Well, apparently they were up. They'd been the first two to fall asleep last night. Neither of them were big drinkers.

"Save me~" I called to them between hysterics.

The other guys, who could clearly see I was being tortured, were either too busy still laughing at Sasuke or had turned over and fallen back asleep. Temari and Konan shrugged, said "nah," and helped themselves to French toast.

Bitches. Just see if I invite you on my awesome trip to the Maldives again.

Damn. I began plotting counter measures against Kakuzu myself. Kneeing him in his special place seemed a little harsh after last night when I realized just how much men think about their penises. Well, I just had to ask nicely, right?

I needed to be closer to his ear though, since a lot of people were laughing in the room, and it was hard to hear anything. But Kakuzu was really tall, so I had to jump a little and wrap my legs around his waist. Once I had been hoisted to the proper height to talk to him, I braced my hands on his shoulders, to make sure I didn't fall.

My sides had been tickled so much they were going numb, so I'd stopped laughing enough to at least say a complete sentence. I leaned into his ear, hardly able to breathe after laughing so much, and whispered in the loudest voice I could muster: "Mm, Ka-(huff, puff)-Kakuzu, (huff, puff) please~."

It was only _after_ I said it that I realized how it sounded. And, if I do say so myself, it sounded very whore-tastic in its please-fuck-me-now way.

Honestly, I'd only meant for him to stop tickling me. Kakuzu froze, completely taken off guard by my voice. At least he'd stopped tickling me. I leaned back, my hands still on his massive shoulders, so I could look at his face. He had a ready-to-fuck face on.

I dropped my hands from his shoulders, trying to get away from him ASAP, but he quickly grabbed my legs so I couldn't untangle them from around his waist, so I wouldn't drop to the floor like a sack of potatoes and injure myself. Thus, my upper half, free from his grasp, was left to fall across the counter. So, from an outsiders point of view, I was on my back across the kitchen counter, crying (because I'd been tickled), panting (for the same reason), with my legs wrapped around Kakuzu (to keep from falling), standing at the end of the counter (trying to make sure I wasn't injured), his hips aligned with mine (by accident, it was my fault for jumping to get to his ear), with a very horny expression (okay, that one was all my fault) and he's shirtless and I'm wearing a skimpy string bikini.

Of course, this_ would_ be the exact moment when Tobi and Pein returned from their pirating adventure, bursting through the door only to see me and Kakuzu in such positions.

END CHAPTER

_a/n: Oh, god, if I say 'fuck' one more time, I'm pretty sure ff is going to make me raise my rating from T to M. 8P_

_Anyways, __Mistic Wolfess__'s oneshot will be posted at the end of the next chapter, since it's not just a random oneshot, but ties in to Scrumdidileeumptious.I was going to put it in this chapter but its not done yet and I don't want to keep you waiting for your update any longer. Now, go research the Maldives Islands! You know you want to~. Wait! No! I take it back!_

_REVIEW!_

_Thennnn go research the Maldives. :D_


	39. Deporation and Bonus Chapter

_Every time I see the wonka chocolate commercials, I feel guilty about updating so infrequently._

_**Majorly Important Note! Some very nice person, apparently a friend of **__**Dark One of the Light**__**, made a Facebook fan page for Scrumdidileeumptious. I shall not lie, I freaked out, joyous beyond all plausible belief. And then I liked it. So you should go like it to, and then demand updates there as well as here! It's like reviews x2! Worried about creepers? Just make a fake Facebook account under a bogus name.**_

_Disclaimer: I don't own it, but I do enjoy the shirtless Kisame fanservice it provides._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 39**

**Deportation**

I don't know exactly what I thought would happen. Maybe Kakuzu and I would candidly separate and say 'It's not what it looks like' at the same time. Maybe Tobi would faint from seeing such a mature scene when he, himself, had the mentality of a four-year-old. Maybe Pein would have a massive flip out and scream at Kakuzu non-stop for hours until all our ears bled. Maybe, maybe, maybe, but I never expected what actually happened to ever happen.

The hut that was our hotel room was set up so that the kitchen was closest to the door, beyond that being the living room, the bedrooms to the side, and the bathroom in the back. So when Tobi and Pein returned from Tobi's pirating adventure, they were very close, indeed, to where Kakuzu and I were intertwined.

It only took Tobi two running steps before his fist connected with Kakuzu's temple. No one had seen that coming. Tobi, the lovable pirate with some unidentified mental handicap, was capable of punching someone really, really hard. I think I might have died a little when I realized that.

Tobi was pissed?

Yes.

Was Tobi pissed because Kakuzu was in a very suggestive position with me in the kitchen?

"You're such a meanie head!" Tobi screamed, nearly in tears. "Why would you say that?"

Guess not.

"Say what?" I asked Tobi, trying to stop him from hitting Kakuzu again, who was now bleeding above his eye and in colossal shock.

"He texted me, while I was enjoying my pirate adventure, playing Peter Pan, and said that fairies aren't real!" Tobi yelled, crying freely now, even though it looked like Kakuzu was the one who had the right to cry. It was at this moment that I realized Tobi was wearing a Peter Pan costume, complete with green tights.

I turned on Kakuzu. "You killed Tinkerbelle!" I yelled at him, trying my best to sound like Stan from South Park.

"You bastard!" Pein immediately picked up, doing the Kyle part.

"I do believe in fairies, I do believe in fairies," Tobi was now repeating to himself over and over again.

"Aww, it's okay, Mr. Pirate, fairies _are _real." I said, hugging Tobi while petting his head consolingly.

He seemed to calm down somewhat. "What about dragons?"

_**Hell yeah!**_

"Of course dragons are real!" I yelled with true feeling, feeling from the top of my head to the tips of my toes that dragons were, in fact, real. They just had to be.

"And flying spaghetti monsters?" Tobi hiccupped.

How many South Park references was I going to make today?

"Well, has anybody ever disproven the existence of a flying spaghetti monster?" I asked him objectively.

"No…" Tobi answered uncertainly.

"Well then, you have your answer." I told him, smiling.

Tobi was quiet for a long time as we existed in our own bubble while, outside of our bubble, Kakuzu was ready for revenge, but Itachi and Kisame were holding him back. Hidan was pointing at Kakuzu laughing. Bonbon was standing on Gaara's panda's stomach, kneading it with her paws to check his internal organs for weaknesses.

Zetsu was retrieving something frozen from the fridge to put over Kakuzu's eye, Pein looked confused, Sasori was wondering why in the world he was wearing a toga, Naruto had gone to the bathroom and Gaara was waiting to get in after him. Konan and Temari had simply continued their breakfast. And Deidara was… Deidara-ing.

"Art is a bang, un." He was telling to an unresponsive Sasori, while working on blowing up the C4 canoe he had slept in.

Sasori looked up from his toga to glare at Deidara. "You're deranged."

Deidara looked at Sasori condescendingly. "I'm an artistic genius, un. Of course I'm deranged."

And with that, he pushed his C4 canoe out the window and into the ocean. It floated about 100 yards out and then went 'boom'. Tobi stood loyally by the window to watch and say, when it exploded "Oooh, pretty colors…"

The rest of us were flippantly ignoring Deidara's "art", by watching Bonbon and Gaara's Panda glare at each other while we ate popcorn. Kakuzu for being "way too fucking close" (as Hidan explicitly put it), was banished from the couch and forced to watch the brewing fight from afar while I was safely sitting on the couch between Pein and Pablo. Pablo was starting to give me the creeps, but the freaked out feeling went away when Sasori started to braid my hair, standing behind the couch. He occasionally swiped my popcorn but I wasn't about to complain. It felt nice for someone to play with my hair. Daidara pouted from being ignored.

Kisame, trying to get to the bathroom, accidentally stepped on Gaara's panda's tail. The panda sprung into attack mode but before anyone could react, Bonbon rocketed across the room, head butting the panda out of the way so it couldn't take a swipe at her precious Kisame with an almighty "me-OW!"

I'm sure that if her vocal cords could have allowed it, that 'me-OW!' would have been a 'hi-YAH!' like in the badly dubbed kung-fu movies. The panda rolled away and quickly lost interest in any sort of fight, falling asleep on top of Gaara, who he'd landed on. Gaara just sighed, accepting that this was the natural order of things.

"I guess I'll just make breakfast now…" I muttered.

As I was walking into the kitchen, the door was kicked in.

_**Really? This happens here too? If you just knock, we'll open the door! You don't always have to kick it in!**_

On the other side of our now kicked in hotel door, which I was sure we'd have to pay for, were the police officers of the Maldive islands.

"Are you the ones who set off that explosive earlier?" One of the cops asked in a heavy accent.

_Oh, shit…_

_**No, it's okay, all we have to do is deny it, and we'll be fine.**_

"Hell yeah, it was us, un!" Deidara announced from the living room looking way too pleased with himself. "That was my art, un."

"Your art of terrorism?" The cop asked dramatically.

_**Oh, shit…**_

"What?" Deidara gaped.

"Silence!" One of the other cops yelled, his English sounding much better than the first's. "You are being forcefully removed from the country, immediately, under suspicion of being foreign invaders hell bent on destroying our prosperous country. Because you're minors, we're letting you off with a warning. Don't come back."

"You're deporting us?" Sasori was shocked.

"And we're taking your panda, too!" The first cop yelled.

While the rest of us were stunned into silence, Bonbon was doing the Japanese Happy Cat pose. I think she really hated that panda of Gaara's. It would be a great loss to Gaara though, that panda was the only thing willing to sleep with him.

-"Way to get us deported, dumbass." "It's not my fault these bastards can't understand art, un!"-

"Ahh, California!" I cheered, stepping out of the taxi, into the bright sunshine behind the tattoo shop on the boardwalk. "We're finally back."

"We're only back because a certain fool had us deported." Itachi grumbled grudgingly, glaring at Deidara out of the corner of his eye.

"Stupid fucker." Hidan mumbled.

"Don't forget that he's also the dumbass that made us all get strip-searched at security when he cried 'I'm not a terrorist, un' in the freaking airport." Kisame snapped. "You don't say that shit in an airport!"

"I'm gonna go, Sakura, I have to get to college by tomorrow." Konan said, completely ignoring the boys' argument.

"Bye, Konan." I said sadly, giving her one last hug and not wanting to let go.

The guys just continued arguing while Konan left.

"And I thought _I_ was the dumb blonde." Naruto muttered, slinking off with Temari and a panda-less Gaara to their own tattoo shop. Gaara was looking very broody after losing his precious panda. Sasuke followed up the rear, trying desperately to cover his bald head with his hands.

"What was that, you little shit?" Deidara demanded, shaking his fist after Naruto.

"Calm down, Deidara. We might be accused of being terrorists again." Zetsu instructed.

Deidara moped and Sasori patted him reassuringly on the back.

"C'mon, Sakura," Pein came up from behind me, wrapping his arm around my waist casually. "Let's go home." He smiled.

I was reduced to a puddle of goo, and followed him blindly. Kakuzu followed us, and eventually, so did all the others.

We returned to the shop to find that someone was already in there. On the counter sat Kabuto, that creepy dick that hit me with an ambulance. He was sitting, cross-legged, on the cashier counter in the shop, playing guitar, singing the Holly Brook part of Fort Minor's song, Where'd You Go?

He didn't seem to have noticed us at first, because he just kept singing and playing his acoustic guitar, eyes closed, swaying to the music. "Where'd you go? I miss you so. Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone," He belted, completely off-key.

"Uhmm…" Was all any of us had to say.

Kabuto's eyes shot open and he noticed us. Then his eyes got wider at being caught. Then he got a little crazy. "You're back!" He cheered, before hopping off the table, running upstairs, onto the balcony, and off the balcony into the hotel pool next door, clothes and guitar and all.

"That was…" Kakuzu began.

"Odd…" Zetsu finished for him, carrying Spike, his beloved pet cactus, into the shop and placing him in his old spot, near the windows.

I felt that it was odd that Zetsu, who's in love with a cactus, could think of anything as odder than him, but after Kabuto's creepering behavior, I was forced to agree. That was quite odd, indeed.

"I think he missed you." Itachi noted. I shivered at the prospect.

"Hey, kids, your school letters came." Pein called, looking through all the mail we'd missed during our absence since I won the lottery.

"School?" Sasori asked, shocked.

"Fuck school!" Hidan yelled.

"I thought the school blew up, un." Deidara said, devastated that the beautiful work of art might have actually never happened.

"It did, but they built a new school." Pein said, opening Hidan's letter. "Apparently Itachi's dad financed it and accepted responsibility for the Orochimaru thing so that his reputation wasn't ruined by the whole thing."

"So, that's all the letter says?" Zetsu asked.

"Well, that and just the usual fodder. School's starting early this year, though. Your first classes are on Monday."

"What day is it today?" Kisame asked. Like the rest of them, he'd completely lost track of time.

Pein flipped out his cell phone quickly to check. "Saturday."

"Oh, pooey." I pouted.

I didn't want to go back to school. I wanted to go to sleep, and stay on the golden coast forever.

"Well, we'll have to put together the annual goodbye party, then." Sasori said, smiling deviously.

"Bon fire at Corona Del Marr, yeah?" Deidara asked, excited at the thought of fire.

The others just smiled and I had a feeling that this bon fire goodbye party wasn't going to be like a usual party.

-"FIRE IS WIN, UN!" "Shut up, Deidara, it's time to sleep now."-

The bon fire party was like no other party. Hastily thrown together for the last night before school started, our guest list was a little… random. Normally, it would have been just the guys, or so Itachi told me, but because I was in the group now, I was determined to invite my non-akatsuki friends. The ones that could show upm showed up, and the others could just go screw themselves.

"You will not believe it," Temari ranted angrily, as we roasted hotdogs over the fire. Some of the guys had gone off to play beach football, others were swimming, and Konan was also roasting her hotdog, listening to Temari with rapt attention. "We get home after going missing for _days_, and Kankuro doesn't even care!"

"What a jerk!" Konan sympathized.

"But you're his sister!" I gaped.

"Well, he didn't seem to care about that. No. He was surrounded by hired women and when we walk in, he looks up, all disappointed, and says 'oh… you're back…', as if our return was so troubling to him!" Temari yelled, thrusting her hotdog deeper into the flames so it would cook faster.

"That's so rude." Konan complained, rubbing Temari on the back.

"I know, right?" Temari glared at the fire Deidara had put together in the fire pit.

"Tackle hug!" Tobi suddenly yelled, running up and hugging me, tackling me to the ground so that we rolled several yards before reaching a full and complete stop. To complete the attack, Tobi then started to tickle me. As I laughed, dying a little inside, Konan and Temari gave me looks that clearly said 'why are you so loved?'

I felt guilty.

"Dog pile on Sakura!" Tenten, who'd been able to come out for the bon fire party with her trusty boy friend Neji, cheered, before jumping on top of Tobi who was already on top of me. Naruto, Hidan, Deidara, Sasori, Kisame and Bonbon soon joined the pile.

"Too… much… love…" I choked out, short on air, and they all began rolling off, laughing.

We all settled down to make hotdogs, me sitting in Konan's lap and Temari sitting in mine while the boys looked on, none too pleased and maybe a little jealous.

All except for Neji, who was happy with his darling Tenten in his lap. I envied their calm, monogamous relationship. So uncomplicated.

After hotdogs and smores, we participated in an obnoxiously cliché game of truth or dare in which I found out I make a great pole dancer and Kisame does _not_. Deidara was pretty good at pole dancing though. It was quite disturbing. And Itachi makes a great Spartan, we learned, when we dared him to run down the beach, carrying a large plank of wood, yelling "THIS IS SPARTA". We also pants-ed a lifeguard, swam too great a distance in the ocean, made Hidan literally eat sand, and realized that we should never, ever, bring Pablo and Paulette, Sasori's real cadavers, out in public again. They scared the children pretty badly…

After our epic party, we all knew we had to leave. Temari and Konan were going to college, Temari for the first time, and Konan returning for her junior year. Kankuro was driving Gaara, Naruto, and Sasuke back to school while Neji was taking Tenten. The only two being left behind were Pein and Kakuzu.

I finished packing first, since, unlike the guys, I hadn't procrastinated. I waited downstairs in the shop for the boys to finish. Pein was waiting with me.

We were sitting behind the counter, on the stools next to each other. I peeked at him from the corner of my eye. He was already looking at me and I resisted looking away from him quickly because that would be way too cliché and stupid. The only thing more cliché for us to do would be to start making out like crazy teen-

And his lips were on mine. I guess clichés are clichés for a reason. It's because they happen way too often. Oh well, I wasn't really complaining. My right hand knotted in the front of his shirt while my left hand gripped the side of his neck, giving me the leverage to pull myself closer and then dip my head back. His tongue was in my mouth before anybody could possibly say NC-17. His arms were around me and his hands were pulling at my long hair. I moaned under his skilled tongue's tactical assault.

Above us, somebody dropped something heavy on the floor, and we jumped apart, startled by the sound. I was panting for breath while Pein was looking at me with an unreadable expression. His hand reached back up and he twirled a lock of my hair between his fingers as if this were some chick flick and not just the two of us sitting in the dark in his tattoo and piercing shop.

"You'll come back next summer, right? When you're sixteen, you'll give me another chance?" He asked, dipping his head so that our foreheads were resting against each other.

I nodded mutely, not sure I remembered how to speak properly.

"Hey, Sakura!" Kakuzu called, coming down the stairs.

I jumped away from Pein quickly, and turned towards Kakuzu's approach. "Yea?"

Kakuzu hardly took notice of Pein and I's awkwardness. "I need to talk to you about something. Come outside with me, okay?"

"Uh, yeah," I answered, confused. I slid off my stool, gave Pein's curious, questioning eyes a shrug, and followed Kakuzu outside into the chilly night air.

Kakuzu walked a little ways down the boardwalk, already closed for the night and completely abandoned, until we were out of sight of Pein's shop. He then turned towards me. I turned towards him but took a step back and found my back against a wall to one of the many boardwalk shops. "What's up?" I finally asked.

"Remember how you owe me a favor?" Kakuzu asked, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

"What favor?"I asked, incredulous.

"For driving you to Mexico. I drove you and you said, in return, you'd give me a favor." He answered.

I remembered, vaguely, that promise. "Ohh, alright. Well, what do you want me to do?"

Kakuzu smirked devilishly.

I caught his drift, and glared. "No." It's not that I was so opposed to the idea of Kakuzu but I was _still_ thinking about Pein and his sexy piercings and hair and face and arms.

"A promise is a promise." Kakuzu said, moving closer so I pressed my back flush against the wall behind me.

I glared at him, but gave in grudgingly, knowing he wouldn't give up. I reach one hand up to pull his head down closer to my level, since he was nearly as tall as Kisame, and stood on my tip toes to let our lips meet. Kakuzu's arms wrapped around me to push my hips into his, forcing me to arch backwards to still be able to meet his face.

His tongue ran over my lip and I mentally shrugged, why not? I parted my lips and our tongues wrestled. Not only did he have leverage, but he had skill, and he kicked my poor tongues ass, pummeling it into submission. I smiled a little into his mouth, pleased.

I eventually pulled away. "There, now we're even." I smiled, crossing my arms over my chest in a satisfied way.

Kakuzu smirked wider. "No, we're not. You still owe me a favor."

"I just gave you your favor!" I protested.

"Well, actually, if you recall, I didn't ask for you to kiss me, you just did it all on your own, which does not count as a favor." Kakuzu clarified.

"You're an ass," I glared at him. He'd planned this, I just knew it. "Well, what do you want as your favor then?"

Kakuzu looked truly happy for a second as he finally answered, revealing his master plan. "Give me your lottery winnings." He smiled.

He's an evil genius.

END CHAPTER!

_A/N: Well, that's the end of the plot chapter. Now, here's the bonus chapter for our dear contest winner, __Mistic Wolfess__, who correctly guessed where the gang was._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Side Story/Chapter 39**

**Pablo(s) vs. Kisame**

_xoxo_

Once upon a time, there was a freakishly tall, freakishly blue man-boy named Kisame. During an unfortunate game of tag, Kisame's friend Itachi had tricked him into kissing Pablo, their high school's unsanitary CPR dummy. Since then, Kisame has faced down several other Pablo's, all of which seem to be after Kisame's hunky, blue lips. It all led to an epic battle between out sexy sharky protagonist and the evil, vile Pablos.

_xoxo_

For some reason Kisame couldn't understand himself, he was sitting alone at a private table for two in a dimly lit but surely fancy restaurant. Based on the candles and fresh flowers in the middle of the table, this place was expensive. Kisame noticed he was dressed in his nicest pair of jeans and his one and only white button down shirt. He was on a date. No other explanation made sense.

"Hey," a hesitant, feminine voice called from behind him. "Have you been waiting long?"

Kisame turned to see Sakura looking rapeable in a tiny black tube dress. She had on some nice, silver bangles on her wrists that jangled like loose change with each of her measured steps. Her black stiletto shoes looked like they would easily twist her tiny ankles if she faltered even once. Her face looked so perfect it might have been painted on.

"No. You're right on time." Kisame smiled. He hoped against hope—not to mention all the other guys interested in Sakura—that this date was going to have a happy ending. And he meant that in the perverted way, because, if he was being honest, Sakura was the hottest girl he'd ever seen. Plus, she wasn't a colossal bitch.

Sakura smiled warmly and continued walking towards Kisame, straight past her chair and to his. Running her finger nails through his hair, she lowered herself slowly into his lap.

Before Kisame could die from shock, their waiter came out. His pants were a little unnaturally tight, his hair a little too perfect, his walking a little too much like a strut, and his smile a little too perfect for him to be anything but gay. Kisame and Sakura's suspicion to his orientation was confirmed when he opened his mouth and spoke.

"Hello, my name is Pablo, and I'll be your waiter for this evening." Pablo introduced himself, smiling only at Kisame and completely ignoring Sakura, still sitting in Kisame's lap. His hip was cocked all the way to one side, as if her were posing for a woman's swimsuit advertisement.

Sakura was not pleased that Pablo was so openly ogling her date. She had no problem with him being gay, but that was just _rude_. He was completely _ignoring_ her.

"Can I get you anything to drink tonight?" Pablo asked Kisame with an extra sugary voice.

"Sakura?" Kisame looked to the pink haired girl in his lap, like a true gentleman, letting her order first.

Sakura beamed at his chivalry. Kisame mentally gave a w00t. Watching all those James Bond movies had paid off! "Water, please," Sakura smiled, glaring only slightly, at Pablo.

Pablo took no notice of her or the vein beating angrily in her forehead. "And for you, sweetie?" Pablo asked Kisame.

"I'll take a glass of whatever you have on tap, please." Kisame smiled politely to Pablo, only slightly feeling awkward by the man's strange gaze.

"I'll be right back with that," Pablo beamed, and scurried away like a mad school girl with a major crush.

"Well, that was awkward." Sakura said, staring apathetically at the place where Pablo had just been.

Kisame nodded sagely. "Just a little bit," he agreed.

Sakura turned back to smile at her blue boy she was sitting upon. "At least we're alone now." She whispered seductively, scooting farther into his lap and wrapping her arms around his neck.

Kisame gulped, trying very hard to control himself. It wasn't his fault, really. Sakura was acting like a total ho (he wasn't complaining, though…), and her short little dress was riding up revealing inch after inch of creamy, smooth thigh. He was a healthy young man; he can't be blamed for his bodily reactions.

Sakura didn't seem to care at all about what she was feeling spring to life under her lap. She just began to nuzzle her face in his neck, occasionally biting and kissing his neck. Once, her tongue, more rough than he remembered it being from the many times he'd kissed her, poked out and licked his corroded artery.

"Alright! Here we go~!" Pablo sang, springing back into the room carrying a small circular tray with Kisame's beer and Sakura's water on it. Practically skipping, smiling hugely, he came to a hault at Kisame and Sakura private, secluded table, and set Kisame's drink on a coaster. "Here you go, honey, straight from the tap." Pablo pushed the amber liquid towards Kisame who smiled politely, freaked out at being called 'honey' by someone other than his mother.

Pablo just continued to smile and reached for Sakura's water, but before he could put it on the table, he decided to dump it very purposefully on her head. "Oops!" Pablo squealed happily, pouring the entire contents of the glass all over Sakura's head and chest and lap and legs.

Sakura was speechless and so was Kisame. Sakura was speechless because she couldn't believe that Pablo would go so far to embarrass her in front of Kisame. Kisame was speechless because he was distracted by Sakura's chest where being covered in cold water was causing her body to have a little reaction of its own. His hormones were telling him to screw now, explain later.

Pablo noticed where Kisame's attention was focused. Sakura could have sworn she saw him swear under his breath. His plan had backfired. Feeling like a fool for trying to sabotage a date when the pair was so obviously into each other (and so obviously straight), Pablo slunk back into the kitchens.

Meanwhile, Kisame was still staring at Sakura. Sakura raised an eyebrow at his boyish behavior but Kisame didn't see. He wasn't looking at her eyebrows, after all. She cleared her throat pointedly. Kisame did not react. Sakura huffed, not knowing what else to do without creating the most awkward of awkward atmospheres. She just let Kisame stare, he'd get bored of them eventually, and she began drinking his beer.

She'd never had anything alcoholic other than blackberry wine before, so she didn't know that the strange flavor to it was actually the date rape drugs Pablo had slipped into it, intending to poison Kisame, not her. Soon enough, the drugs began taking effect. She giggled madly at Kisame, who was still staring, now contemplating touching.

"Like what you see?" She asked, smiling at Kisame's dumbfounded face.

Kisame finally looked at her. He nodded dully.

"Mmm," Sakura groaned, shifting on Kisame's lap. "You're blue." She said, pointing at him.

"You're drunk." Kisame noted.

"You're sexy!" Sakura cheered, quoting Stewie from Family Guy.

Kisame just chucked at drunken Sakura. "Gimmie back my beer," he said, grabbing the beer and downing the rest of its contents. Kisame, avid drinker of beer, knew that he shouldn't feel so limp after only about a third of a glass. He could tell immediately, unlike Sakura, that is was spiked beer. He immediately got his phone, all the while, starting to feel funny. He texted the situation to Itachi, not bothering to call him and explain why the sound of Sakura pretending to be a Chihuahua would be the background music. If any of the guys knew that he'd allowed Sakura to get accidentally high, they'd kill him.

Kisame then grabbed Sakura by the hand and said "let's go." Her skin felt like fire and a part of him knew that it must mean they had both been badly drugged. The other parts of him were telling him to become a vegan, lie down, and never get up unless asked to by marshmallows.

Ignoring this feeling, trying to hang on to his sanity, he lead Sakura out of the restaurant into the cool night air. Feeling much more level headed outside, Kisame quickly walked to his car, pulling Sakura along. Inside Kisame car, though, was a dark shadow as if someone were sitting in the driver's seat. As he got close, Kisame realized that it was Pablo, Sasori's cadaver birthday present.

Slowly, defying the laws of all sensible nature, the cadaver turned his Pablo-dubbed head towards Kisame. "_**Gimme some sugar.**_" Pablo said in the creepiest most horror-movie-like voice Kisame had ever heard.

Kisame and Sakura screamed like small girls. Sakura had an excuse. For Kisame, though, it was a little pathetic. Together, they ran screaming into the darkness. Inside the cab of Kisame's car, Deidara and Sasori were sitting, hunched together. They were obviously the one's who'd conducted the prank (after illegally breaking into Kisame's car). Roaring with laughter, they gave each other a high-five for a prank well done.

As Kisame ran, dragging Sakura along as well, he forgot what he was running from. So, high and confused, he and Sakura wandered onto the pitch dark beach and lay in the sand.

"You know what I wish?" Sakura asked, watching the stars and completely drunk.

"What?" Kisame asked, just as plastered and playing along.

"I wish that all the minorities could join together and become one big race of purple people and then white people would be the minority and we could discriminate against _them_ and see how _they_ like it…"

Kisame thought about it. If everybody we're purple… "Yeah, that'd be cool," he agreed, nodding.

Sakura began running her fingers over his chest. He turned to look at her, wondering if he'd get his happy ending to this date after all, but when he turned, it wasn't Sakura staring back at him. It was Pablo, the school's unsanitary CPR dummy.

"AHH!" Kisame yelled, bolting upright and out of his dream. He was on the plane, flying back to California after being deported from the Maldives. The others turned to glare at him.

"What's your fucking problem?" Hidan grumbled, flipping Kisame off.

"Bad dream. Bad, Pablo-filled dream." Kisame explained, and then lay back down, eyes still wide with fright, and tried to think of what'd it be like if everyone were purple.

END BONUS CHAPTER

_A/N: Finally done! Yays! Now, review!_


	40. Baywatch

_A/N: Aw, shit, it's been almost a month, huh? Oops…_

_Disclaimer: Fuck this shit man. I'll take what I want, including these characters._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 40**

**Baywatch**

Kakuzu looked truly happy for a second as he finally answered, revealing his master plan. "Give me your lottery winnings." He smiled.

He's an evil genius.

However, Inner Sakura was not going to let this happen. And when somebody's got you cornered, all you have to do is lie your ass off. "I can't."

He glared, not pleased. "Why not?" He asked irritably.

"_Because_, it's not my money to give away. It was Deidara's ticket, I just filled it out. It's his money." I tried to seem legit, even though I was lying a lot.

Kakuzu raised an eyebrow. "You filled out a winning lottery ticket and just let _Deidara have it?"_

He obviously thinks I'm a colossal idiot if he's this gullible…

I shrunk away and looked guilty. "Sort of…"

He twitched in anger. "Why?"

"Because I love him," I smiled like it was a very simple answer.

"I thought you loved rainbows." Kakuzu said, giving me a skeptical look.

"I love lots of things." I pursed my lips.

He sighed dramatically, and turned around. "I'm going back."

_How rude can you get?_ I thought. I enacted my own mini revenge by running up behind him and jumping on his back. "Carry me!" I yelled, locking my arms and legs around him.

Kakuzu teetered backwards, not having expected my weight. "Get off me!"

"Carry me, bitch!" I demanded, pulling his hair and laughing maniacally.

"I am not your bitch!" Kakuzu complained loudly, still trying to throw me off.

I smirked evilly. "You are now."

"All I wanted was your goddamn money!" Kakuzu yelled, slumping over, too tired to fight back anymore.

"And my body," I added to his statement, pulling on his hair again, as if they were reigns.

Kakuzu jerked his head so I let go of his hair. "Nope, just the money."

I scoffed. "Oh, you want me and you know it."

Kakuzu scoffed in return. "No thanks. I don't need some girl with weird hair and emotional baggage who attracts creepers."

I was stung. "Ouch!" I said aloud. I smacked the back of his head.

"Ouch!" He yelled.

"Oh, be a man!" I told him, beating his back with my fists.

"Stop that!" He demanded, hopping around, trying to shake me off.

"No, I told you to carry me home, now carry me home, you useless pack mule!" I commanded.

"Who are you calling a pack mule?" Kakuzu hissed.

"You, pack mule. Now, get a move on or I'm telling Pein you brought me out here to have your way with me." I threatened.

Kakuzu froze, no doubt imagining what Pein is like when he's pissed. "You wouldn't."

"Oh, wouldn't I?" I smirked evilly once more. "Do you really want to take that risk?"

With a heavy sigh, he finally conceded defeat and began walking forward at a steady, even pace, as if he wasn't bothered at all by my weight on his back. "I am not your bitch." He mumbled.

"Shut up, bitch."

I couldn't see his green in black eyes, but I am positive that he rolled them when I said that. In a few minutes, we were back at the tattoo shop, and Kakuzu was utterly sick of me humming girly songs in his ear. R-E-S-P-E-C-T was, evidently, not one of his favorites. Inside the tattoo shop, Kisame, Itachi, Zetsu, Tobi, Deidara, Sasori, and Hidan were in a large grouping, having an arm wrestling tournament.

"What's this all about?" I asked, still on Kakuzu's back, piggy-back style.

"They're trying to decide who gets to drive you home." Tobi answered, smiling at me and taking no notice of Kakuzu.

"So they're having an arm wrestling tournament? Who's winning?" I inquired, watching Hidan and Sasori arm wrestle as if their lives were on the line.

"We're only in the first round, but I lost to Kisame…" Tobi admitted and sniffled, holding up his right arm. Protruding from his jacket's sleeve was a bloody wrist with no hand attached.

"AHHH!" I screamed at the horrific sight, struggling to get off of Kakuzu and run towards Tobi by crawling up his back and spring boarding off of his face. "Your hand is gone!" I yelled, seizing his arm and inspecting the open wound.

"It's just a flesh wound." Tobi shrugged, smiling weakly.

"IT'S NOT JUST A FLESH WOUND! YOUR ARM'S OFF!" I was accidentally quoting _Monty Python_ too. It's what happens when I'm afraid.

Tobi smiled and pulled down his sleeve. His hand was revealed, holding the fake handless-wrist: a simple Halloween trinket. "Hee~" Tobi smiled from ear to ear.

I smacked him upside the head for playing such a stupid prank. "I was worried." I whined, glaring at him.

"Sorry," Tobi apologized, "couldn't help it."

"Work on your impulse control." I instructed him and thumped his forehead. I then left him to closer inspect the arm wrestling tournament. Deidara was getting his ass handed to him by Zetsu.

After several more rounds, it was between Zetsu and Kisame. Kisame, wearing a black tanktop and dark, baggy jeans, sat down like you'd see a man sit down at a bar, and held his beefy, muscled arm out, his elbow on the table. Zetsu smirked at Kisame's bravado and took a much more dignified seat, placed his elbow gently on the table and held his arm out. Just from the smirk, I could tell this was Evil Zetsu I was watching.

They grabbed hands and Pein wrapped both of his around their intertwined death grip.

"Alright… GO!" Pein yelled and let their hands go.

Their arms quaked, but neither Zetsu nor Kisame gained an inch at first. Kisame's other hand clenched his knee. Zetsu took a deep breath, as if he wasn't even breaking a sweat doing this. Finally, Zetsu used his last surge of strength and slammed Kisame's arm to the table. "I win." He smiled.

Kisame looked stunned. Completely and utterly stunned. He began to touch his muscles, as if wondering if he'd imagined their presence all these years. Zetsu just stood up, put his arms around my shoulder, spun me around, and said "Let's go, Sakura."

"Um, alright." I agreed, following him towards the door. "Peace out, bitch," I called jokingly to Kakuzu. Zetsu and I were about to leave until I was stopped by a surprise tackle hug from behind by Pein. "How is it you're the leader of a gang when you're this affectionate?" I asked him irritably, ready to kill him if he started tickling me.

"Well, there's a pink haired girl in my gang, so I'm not sure how threatening you're expecting us to be." Pein said coyly.

I smiled. If Pein said it, I was officially in. However, somewhere along our crazy relationship, I'd figured I was in already and didn't really need any formal recognition. Thus, there wasn't much shock factor, just a nice bit of reassurance. "Pink haired girls can be very scary."

"Yes, this summer has led me to that very same conclusion." Pein smirked, letting me go to give me a more proper hug. "Take care of yourself, kid." He said sincerely, ruffling my hair.

"Just because you're an old man does not make me a kid." I huffed.

Pein sighed in defeat. "Alright, you're not a kid. Couldn't be, with such a nice set of ti-"

I kicked him in the shin before he could finish that vulgar statement and stomped out with Zetsu, the other boys laughing and following behind us. In the parking lot, Zetsu opened the passenger door for me and after I took my seat, before he could close the door, we both heard a very loud meow. Bonbon wanted to ride with us. I smiled at her and patted my lap. She jumped right in.

Zetsu, who still hadn't forgiven the kitten for eating Gertrude, glared at the cat but let it be. He closed my door and went around the car to open his. The second he sat down, Bonbon hopped over to his lap. He was about to push her out of his lap without a second thought when Bonbon looked up, met his eyes, and gave him the _face_. The cute, undeniable, face of epic-ness. A face only Bonbon could do properly.

Zetsu froze and looked away as quickly as he could, deciding to focus out the windshield. He put the keys in the ignition and pulled out of this space while Bonbon made a nest for herself on his thighs. After she had settled down, she did that deep-purring thing cats do and Zetsu stiffened but still did not push her off of his lap. I almost 'aww'-d aloud.

"I think she likes you." I commented while Zetsu turned on the radio to distract himself from the kitten in his lap he now had mixed feelings about.

"She killed Gertrude." Zetsu said in his Good Zetsu monotone.

I prepared to jump out of the car if he turned evil. "Maybe she only did it so you'd give her more attention." I suggested nervously, knowing I sounded ridiculous.

He raised an eyebrow at me. "Perhaps." It sounded like he was just saying that to pacify me. He knew I was being stupid. Absently, he scratched Bonbon behind one of her ears. When she meowed happily and leaned her weight into his hand, he was so surprised that he swerved into oncoming traffic for just a second.

I started laughing loudly at Zetsu's dumbfounded face. I'd never seen him look so appalled. He glared at me after a moment of my laughing at his expense but I just kept laughing so he just kept driving at full speed.

After a few minutes, I was getting bored. There's only so much scenery you can look at on a highway. Just cars and the sound barriers. When I was contemplating just reclining my seat and taking a little cat nap (just like what Bonbon was doing on Zetsu's lap), I saw a yellow car.

"BAYWATCH!" I yelled, hitting the roof of the car with vigor.

_A/N: Rules and names of this game vary everywhere from padiddle to flasher. The basic rules of the game is to hit the roof of the car and yell the game's name, in this case Baywatch, when you see the object of the game, in this case, yellow cars. Sometimes it's when you drive through a yellow light or when you see a car without a taillight. Last person to hit the roof and say the word has to remove an article of clothing. And that is how you play._

Zetsu rolled his eyes and sighed audibly. "You cannot be serious."

"Oh, but I am." I said coyly, smirking my smirkiest smirk.

Zetsu almost chuckled at my expression. "Alright, hold the wheel." He said.

"Wait—what?" I asked, shocked by such an odd request but suddenly realized why when he let go of the steering wheel and began pulling his shirt over the his head. I screamed an dove for the wheel, seizing it and steering us. We swerved a little… a lot, but hey, I never had to drive while a hot teenage boy removed his shirt in front of me before!

Zetsu threw his t-shirt in the back seat, smirked his evilest smirk at me, and gripped the wheel again. I surrendered it without a fight, glad to be rid of the responsibility, but knew that I should still be afraid. That smirk Zetsu had smirked had said it all: Evil Zetsu had come out to play a nice game of Baywatch.

Only a few minutes later, his hand, speed of light, slammed against the roof, and he said simply: "Baywatch."

"What? Where?" I demanded, peering around for the yellow car I had somehow missed.

"There," Zetsu pointed to a yellow car at least a mile ahead of us. As if that counted.

I huffed and removed my flip flop. A few seconds later, Zetsu had miraculously spotted another yellow car and I was stripped of my other flip flop. I was on the lookout now. If he gained another win, I would have to lose my shirt and all I had under that was a bright pink bra. Not only did I not want to have to sit in his car topless, but I also didn't want him to know that my bra matched my hair.

"Baywatch!" I yelled, hitting the roof with one hand and pointing to a yellow car going the opposite direction on the highway out.

Zetsu sighed dramatically. "Alright, take the wheel again. You won't have to deal with the gas; we're on cruise control."

"No!" I yelled. I'd forgotten, in my haste to save myself from topless-ness, that I'd rather save myself from being in a mangled car accident.

He'd already let go of the wheel so I grabbed it again. Zetsu shuffled around in his seat, undoing the button of his baggy shorts and pulling them off. I didn't understand why he didn't take off his shoes until I realized he was driving barefoot. In less than a minute, he was sitting in the driver's seat in just his Mario Bros. boxers. I'll admit, I drooled a little bit.

From behind us I heard honking as Zetsu retook control of the wheel. I turned around a saw that Hidan was behind us, waving. He pulled up next to us while I continued to frantically wave at him in crazed greeting. Then, the terrible happened.

"Baywatch!" Zetsu laughed aloud, hitting the roof of the car.

"Shit," I swore under my breath, and, completely forgetting about Hidan, grudgingly pulled my shirt off. Hidan's jaw had dropped, when I looked back at him. It took him about 2 seconds to call Zetsu's cell phone and I picked it up since we were in California and they have Bluetooth laws. "'Sup?" I asked.

"Why are you fucking topless in _Zetsu's _car?" Hidan demanded. Something about the inflection made me think he didn't so much mind me shirtless and was more concerned that I was in Zetsu's car and not his.

"We're playing Baywatch." I informed him.

"You're playing Baywatch?" Hidan seemed appalled.

"Yeah, and all this without a single drop of blackberry wine." I commented happily. I was crazy, as it turns out, sober _and_ drunk.

"Why does your bra fucking _match_ your hair? Do you actually plan that?"

"Baywatch." Zetsu said again, this time disturbingly sadistic.

"Goddamit, Hidan, you're distracting me from the game!" I yelled, holding the phone against my shoulder and beginning to undo the button on my shorts while Zetsu watched out of the corner of his eye and Hidan tried to look without crashing his car.

"Nice underwear," Hidan remarked sarcastically when he caught a glimpse of them. They were white with little rainbows on them. I hung up on Hidan and encouraged Zetsu to drive faster so Hidan couldn't get into a car accident ogling me.

The only other yellow car we saw was a taxi and before Zetsu could even utter the first syllable in 'Baywatch' I'd covered his mouth with my hand and glared with a silent threat. He conceded defeat, having finally reverted back into Good Zetsu, and we put our clothes back on, this time him pulling over so I wouldn't crash his hybrid car.

Finally we reached the school. Orientation was the next day, so we dragged our bags out of the trunk and prepared to crash in our new dorm room.

Zetsu and I had been the last to arrive and the others were waiting for us, arms crossed, feet tapping impatiently.

"Sakura," Itachi began seriously. "Would you like to explain this picture message Hidan sent us?" He held out his phone with a picture of me sitting in my underwear in Zetsu's car while Zetsu was in just his boxers.

"I'd rather not," I answered honestly.

"I already set it as my cell phones background." Sasori informed me, pocketing his own cell phone proudly.

I rolled my eyes and smiled despite myself. It was weird to be back at school, especially because that meant Pein and Kakuzu (Inner Sakura laughed maniacally, visualizing the winning lottery ticket in my pocket when she thought of Kakuzu) were out of my hair until next summer, but it was also nice. It was a new school year, in a nice, brand new school. I was ready for a fresh start with my very best friends.

We gathered our things, the guys picking on me for the picture, and we entered the school. It was set up much different now. Before, the buildings had been scattered in wings and such. Now, it was just one very large, very complex building with many open courtyards between its walls. Classes and such were on the first floor. On the second floor were the boys' dorms and girls' were on the third. There were no balconies. I guess the school board had caught wind of my little escapades by the time they were planning the new school…

Inside the main lobby, there was a large board boasting the new dorm assignments. As always, Itachi's family had pulled strings to allow all the boys in the same dorm room. However, no matter how rich and powerful Itachi's family was, they couldn't pull enough strings to allow me to share that dorm with them. I was paired with TenTen again, in room 386.

To avoid the crowds of other students and help hide Bonbon who, technically, wasn't allowed to be cared for by students on campus, we retreated to the stairs (the new school wasn't as many floors and, thus, did not have an elevator available to anybody other than the disabled and teachers). At the second floor, when I went to put my stuff in my own room, the guys dragged me back and led me to their new dorm room.

"Where do you think you're going, un?" Deidara asked, grabbing me by the elbow and pulling me down the hallway to their new dorm.

"Um, my dorm room?" I responded giving him a 'What's your problem' look.

"Nope. You're in the Akatsuki now, which means you stay in our dorm." Kisame said, smiling his toothy grin.

Their dorm number was 270, and inside were enough beds for each of the guys. It was a larger room than last year's, with three beds on one wall and four on the other. At the far end of the room, there was a large set of closet doors and a door leading to the bathroom. Kisame immediately tried out one of the beds. He was too tall for it. "Guess you've got your own bed this year," Itachi noted.

"Great, another year on the floor." Kisame bemoaned his bad luck. Why must he be so tall?

After hours of driving, we were all ready to sleep. I changed in the bathroom and crawled in between the school-provided dull green sheets for a deep sleep. Somebody, I don't know who, turned out the lights. Tobi came up to my bed in the darkness, holding his stuffed panda. "Goodnight, Sakura." He said sweetly and kissed me on the forehead.

"Goodnight, Tobi." I said, sitting up to kiss him on the cheek.

Even in the dark I could see his face flush. He shuffled to his bed quickly, looking quite happy and embarrassed. I turned back over to fall asleep only to hear Hidan mutter "Where's _my_ fucking goodnight kiss?"

"Shut up, un." Deidara moaned tiredly.

"Meow," was all Bonbon had to say to that.

-da next morning-

We got our school pictures taken, received student IDs, had our physicals done by parent volunteers (including Itachi's mom who gave me this all-knowing look that frightened me since I already knew she has ESP). After that, we were distributed our schedules and had time to have our guidance councilors change them. As always, all the guys had every class together, throwing them all into APs and honors classes to keep up with Itachi while I was stuck back with my sophomore schedule. I couldn't be in any class with them, since they were seniors, other than math.

"That's not going to work," Zetsu commented, comparing our schedules.

"We have to have every class together!" Sasori demanded.

The guys cornered Shizune, the vice principal and Tsunade's bestie, and all but threatened her to make my schedule match theirs. Shizune did not have the lady balls that Tsunade had and was bullied relatively quickly into making the change. "Congrats, Sakura," she said fearfully, handing me my new schedule, "you're a senior now."

"Nice," I smiled, nodding.

Next, we had to pick up gym clothes and locker assignments with lock combinations. As we approached the table for gym clothing, Gai, the gym teacher, looked terrified of Kisame. Something tells me that something happened between the two.

"You get the stuff?" Sasori asked in this weird gangster voice.

"Yeah," Gai quaked in his only pair of dress shoes, and placed a box of special order gym uniforms on the table in front of him. They were black with a red cloud design and way better looking than the vomit green on grey uniforms the school normally provided.

"Yeah, change of plans, we need a girl's uniform too now." Kisame informed Gai, gesturing to me.

"Mrs. Uchiha called me ahead of time and notified me of this development," Gai informed us, and I glanced back at Itachi's mom again, truly terrified of her prowess. Gai pulled out a girl's uniform, the first uniform the school had ever seen that was specifically cut for a girl. It was a breezy black short sleeved fitted top and short black shorts with that mysterious red cloud I had no idea about that had somehow come to represent the Akatsuki.

Hidan seized the shorts, pulled a metallic sharpie from his pocket and wrote 'WELCOME TO THE CREW, PINKY' and signed it 'THE GUYS'. I laughed openly at that and gave Hidan a reward hug. He hugged back fiercely, picked me up, and carried me off to go start our shortened classes which only existed for teachers to introduce themselves and for us to figure out the best route to get to the classes.

It was pretty typical. Lots of blue or black pen and only pencil in math class. I needed to buy a new calculator, since mine was, apparently, too basic. Gai and Kisame, I found out, definitely have some sort of beef with each other, which is what I concluded after gym class. We had to change and when I exited the girls' locker room in my new uniform, Sasori knelt next to my leg and, in metallic sharpie, underneath Hidan's earlier welcome notice, wrote 'P.S. YOU LOOK HOT IN THESE TINY SHORTS'.

I took the sharpie from him after that and wrote on his arm 'You look hot in everything'.

He smiled at me when I was finished. "I also look hot in _nothing_."

Zetsu appeared on the scene then to smack him upside the head.

We smuggled Bonbon into class and, as it turns out, Kakashi is allergic to cats and he sneezed our entire class. Finally, we made it to the last class of the day: Physics.

Orochimaru used to teach all the science classes (it's a small school) but with him gone, I was looking forward to a teacher I'd never met before. There had been buzz around school that the new science teacher was a clone of Orochimaru, personality-wise, so I was a little worried.

"Hey Sakura!" Ino called from down the hall to me as if we'd been friends forever or something when all I wanted to do was make it to science class. I tolerated the girl, but we'd bumped heads since we were little. She was gorgeous, in my opinion, and she'd always taken pleasure out of making me feel ugly. "Good job nailing that pervert last semester!" She smiled as if me doing something newspaper worthy had made me worthy of her.

"Thanks," I responded without feeling and just kept walking. The guys followed behind me, glaring at Ino for talking to me when they knew I didn't really like her much. I was also a bit sad because I hadn't seen Naruto all day. Shino, a quiet kid, held out a school newspaper as I walked past him lurking in a corner. Absently, I read the cover's head line: Orochimaru Released! Back on the Streets to Resume His Creepering!

_**What?**_

I suddenly felt queasy and stopped him my tracks. "Look at this," I said to no one in particular and handed the newspaper out. Deidara grabbed it first. He glared at it and squeezed my shoulder reassuringly. Feeling utterly sick to my stomach, as if I might puke, I walked, dazed, into Physics class.

I was ready to turn around and make a run for the bathroom to vomit in peace when I bumped into the new science teacher. I looked up and saw a very familiar, four-eyes face. Kabuto Yakushi. The sight of his ugly mug was enough to push me over the edge. I doubled over and barfed all over his shoes.

Maybe I shouldn't have had those baked beans for lunch…

_End Chapter_

_A/N: Alright, so I look at the new Scrumdidileeumptious facebook page yesterday, and the status is "I want an update, how about you?" I was guilt tripped into writing this in just two sittings. For the first time, it didn't feel forced to write so much in two sittings. It just came right out. I'm pretty happy with it. Hope her puking on Kabuto's shoes made you laugh. I hope they were expensive shoes…_

_REVIEW, PLEASE!_

_Love you all._

_**Newest Contest (somebody asked for another contest): Draw a Bonbon, Pablo, Spike, and/or Gaara's Panda. Win a oneshot or side story of your choosing.**_


	41. Shoes

_A/N: Reading __Kitty Kurse__ (by __**AbbyLovesDeidara**__) because ever since __Take It or Leave It__ (by __**Fallacy**__) ended, I just can't get enough of A-cat-suki crack. Think of me what you will, but the Akatsuki as kittens is my guilty pleasure._

_Disclaimer: I own __**EVERYTHING**_.

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 41**

**Shoes**

I figured it was my comeuppance to have some of the puke, just a little bit, get in the ends of my hair when I vomited on Kabuto's shoes. I figured it was karma getting back at me for being too morbidly pleased about yakking all over his stupid feet. He deserved it, but I really shouldn't have been so happy about it. Without an apology or even making eye contact with his shocked face, I turned tail for the bathroom, calmly walking out of his class.

The boys followed me, but Tobi was the only one with big enough balls to nonchalantly follow me into the girls' restroom and help me wash the regurgitated baked beans from the last few inches of my pink locks. The others waited outside, shifting their weight uncomfortably as if there was a barrier keeping them out of the ladies room. To enter the girls' bathroom or not? _That_ is the question.

They needn't have bothered expending even a minute amount of angst over it, because Tobi was a very good hair washing helper. Just like how he carried around mouth wash, he also had miniature shampoo and conditioner bottles he'd lifted from the hotel in the Maldives. Soon, my hair was perfectly clean again and also smelled rather pleasant, if I do say so myself. Why did Tobi have so many hygiene products on him? Because, Tobi is a good boy.

Just I exited the bathroom, pirate in tow, an announcement came on over the loudspeaker requesting my presence in the guidance office only not so polite. It was more of a "Sakura, Haruno, report to the guidance office _immediately_." Not even a please. I was getting sick of this manner-less place.

"We'll go with you, too." Kisame offered, stalking me down the hall. The rest followed, Tobi grabbing hold of my hand to escort me to Ebisu's den of torture which, to some ignorant freshman, was still known as the guidance office.

I didn't really care that the intercom had called only for me, we were a package deal. So, as a large group, we entered the Ebisu's new office, filled with new trinkets and new playdoh to replace that which had burned last year. Tobi took one of the two available seats and I sat in his lap. Deidara took the other available chair and Sasori sat in his lap. Deidara tried to shove him off but his obvious displeasure only encouraged Sasori to stay put with an evil grin on his face. The others just leaned ominously against walls except Hidan who threw his book bag down on the floor and promptly sat on it.

"The announcement only called for you, Miss Haruno." Ebisu said calmly, despite the vein pulsating in his forehead. E folded his hands neatly in front of him and tried his best to focus only on my but Tobi was braiding my hair while humming and Itachi was glaring menacingly at him and Deidara and Sasori were now in a fist fight in their chair, so he was having difficulty shutting them out.

"We're sort of a package deal at this point." I explained.

"Very well," Ebisu sighed as if I was the one inconveniencing him when he was the one preventing me from returning to class. Oh well, I'd take Ebisu over creepy Kabuto any day. "So, would you care to discuss your eating disorder with me?" he asked calmly.

"My WHAT?" I demanded, not quite so calmly.

"I heard from Kabuto about how you've been sticking your finger down your throat to puke so that you'd become skinnier, Sakura. It's time you accept the fact that you have bulimia." Ebisu said calmly. "I can understand why you might want to improve your physical image when you spend so much time with your male classmates, but I'm legally required to tell you that you're appearance as it is now is… _okay_." He said as if it wasn't okay at all. Like he had any business passing judgment on me at all!

_**Bitch, please.**_

Before I could reach across the table to smack his superior face, I heard a whimper behind me. I looked over my shoulder at Tobi, whose lap I was still sitting in, and he was on the verge of tears. "Is it true, Sakura? Did Tobi drive you to bulimia? Don't change yourself, Sakura; you're really pretty just the way you are."

_**Damn right, I'm pretty!**_

Before I could explain to him that no, I was not bulimic, Hidan was standing in front of me. "Let me fucking explain this to you, Sakura." He said gently, as if I were really a nut case. "If you lose weight, you'll lose your fucking boobs." He explained, grabbing my chest with both hands. "I fucking like your boobs, so don't fucking get rid of them." He then squeezed my chest.

"_**Don't touch those, they're mine!**_" Inner Sakura yelled, slapping him. He did not let go. Zetsu came to my rescue by kicking Hidan in his Little Jashinist. Hidan immediately let go to cup his mutilated tool, crying completely non-manly tears and falling to the ground in what appeared to be a dead faint. "_**Thank you, Zetsu**_." Inner said, smiling sadistically at Hidan.

Zetsu responded with a monosyllabic "Hn," and a thumbs-up.

Ebisu coughed to bring the "guidance session" back to order.

I snapped my attention back to him, slammed my fist on his desk, and declared "I am not so self-conscious around my sex gods that I would stick my finger down my throat just to gain a more favorable figure!"

_Oh shit, I just called them sex gods out loud, didn't I?_

_**LOLZ!**_

_I hate you for saying 'lolz' just now. I hope you know that._

_**XDD!**_

_Okay, fucking stop now._

_**NEVAHZ!**_

_What are you trying to be, a lolcat?_

_**No, I am a lolBonbon. Duh.**_

…_Fuck you._

Ebisu raised his eyebrow at my declaration. "Is that so? Then I guess I _am_ right in assuming that this whole incident is just another one of your pathetically desperate cries for attention after the death of your parents."

_He did _not_ just say that._

_**He did.**_

_That is IT. I am _sick_ of this shit._

I glared at him for his ignorance, narcissism and complete insensitivity as I reached for the canister of playdoh on his desk, watching the color drain out of his face as he figured out what was about to happen.

Seventeen minutes and eight canisters of playdoh later…

"Bye, Ebisu~" I called pleasantly over my shoulder at the gagging man I was leaving behind. Scarred, the boys followed me out, except for Hidan, who followed me out but was not scarred. After recovering from Zetsu's blow to his manhood, he had watched in awe and love as I victimized Ebisu. He was now starring at me in admiration.

"What you did just now… that was fucking hot." He said.

"I am _pretty_ sure that was illegal." Sasori commented, giving me a high five in congratulations for possibly breaking the law.

"He might need to get his stomach pumped to remove all the playdoh…" Itachi pondered how much toxic material was in playdoh. If he remembered correctly, playdoh is mostly raw egg, right?

I wasn't in the mood to respond. Something told me that Ebisu's comment was going to make me _brood_. The fact that I was already brooding was what was telling me that. Even destroying Ebisu's fragile psyche and digestive system by having him eat a toxic amount of playdoh hadn't cheered me up enough to throw his comment off. I'd have to take my anger out on somebody else.

I looked up and noticed that, at the end of the hallway we were walking, was Kabuto. I froze, horrified by his disgusting, smiling face and bare feet. He didn't wait for me, but instead strode in front of me, ignoring Kisame's face, which clearly said he was very close to hitting a certain creeper with glasses on. "Here," Kabuto said, handing me a slip of paper. When I didn't take it, he grabbed my hand and _made_ me take it. "This is where I guy my shoes, so buy me a new pair. I'll _know_ if they're fake because that store only makes shoes in genuine Italian leather, but, fair warning, they're _very_ expensive." He smiled evilly.

"No way!" I snapped.

"Well, you puked on my best pair, so I'm required to compensation." Kabuto informed me as if he knew everything.

I glared at him and all of his obnoxious glory as he walked away proudly. Then I realized that this was a perfect way to take out my anger at Ebisu: on Kabuto.

"C'mon, Sakura, let's go." Itachi said, taking my hand and steering me towards the dorms.

"No," I said, turning towards the school's exit and slipping my old, winning lottery ticket out of my pocket. "Let's get some shoes." I sounded just like Liam Kyle Sullivan in those obnoxious, old Kelly YouTube videos.

Deidara looked at me like I was crazy.

"Trust me," I said in my normal voice, smirking and grabbing his hand with the one Itachi wasn't holding and walking them out the door.

-the next day-

"Time to wake up, Tobi," I whispered gently into the pirate's ear, shaking his shoulder.

Tobi rolled onto his back and sat all the way up, eye still closed.

_**Oh, shit, not agai-**_

He then grabbed my arm, pulled me onto his bed, hugged me, and laid down with me wrapped securely in his arms. "Why do you always do this to me?" I asked no one in particular, not expecting Tobi to answer, since he was _supposed _to be asleep at that present time.

"Because I'm secretly evil," Tobi muttered sleepily.

I didn't know what the hell he meant by that, but I had to beat him with his stuffed panda before he finally let go of me. I stood up, readjusted my shirt, and noticed Bonbon on the floor, staring up at me. "Lol." I said out loud, humored by the memory of my conversation with my Inner mind disease yesterday. Hehe… lolBonbon… I crack me up.

Bonbon meowed innocently and tilted her head to the side, kitty-questioning my sanity. "Good idea!" I declared, pointing at her as if she had suggested my spontaneous brain blast. And yes, dear readers, that _was_ a Jimmy Neutron reference.

Bonbon rolled her kitty eyes, accepting that fact that I was crazy mostly because I was tired and partly because of head trauma I received as a child. I ignored her silent judgment, gripped the edge of Tobi's mattress, and flipped it over, Tobi along with it. "Ahh!" He cried, tumbling out of bed, fully awake now.

"What? What happened to Spike?" Zetsu asked, not used to being woken up so suddenly, ripping the gun he kept under his pillow out and waving it around wildly. I hit the deck, afraid of being shot. Zetsu, after a frantic minute, noticed that Spike was just fine at his bedside and he put his gun away, slipping back into good, sane-ish Zetsu.

The rest groggily rose from their beds, except Itachi who always managed to rise gracefully, and began stripping out of their pajamas to change into day clothes, except for Sasori who slept in boxers. I sat at the end of my bed and just enjoyed the show, frequently wiping my chin of any drool. I'd already readied myself for the school day before waking them up.

We reported to the cafeteria for breakfast before our first _real_ day of classes. It was here that we spotted Gai sitting at the teachers table with Pablo, the school's unsanitary CPR dummy, attempting to wash the damned thing. As we passed them, Kisame "accidentally" spilled his milk on the pair.

I rolled my eyes and nibbled on my pop tart, discreetly sticking kitty treats into my bag where Bonbon was hiding. She gobbled them up happily but when she began meowing loudly for more, people began to stare and I had to pretend like I was the one making the cat sounds which prompted Sasori to break out my old slutty kitty outfit from last spring, complete with cat ears and collar. It was so nostalgic that I allowed them to stick the kitty ears on and declare Bonbon and I twinsies for the day.

In gym class, Gai mispronounced Kisame's last name when taking attendance and Kisame responded by beating him over the head with Pablo, who we had found after third period in a storage closet. After he was done beating up Gai, Kisame turned his aggression on Pablo and began dismembering the dummy and then separately smashing each individual piece beneath his giant feet.

Once finished, he sniffed at all our shocked stares. At this point, Bonbon found her way out of my bag, rubbed her whole body up against Kisame's foot, and purred deeply. Kisame scooped her up, glared at us, and said "Bonbon is the only one who understands me," before walking away, kitty in arms and dignity in shambles.

We found him again after gym class and, reunited, prepared to begin our free period. With the busy schedule Itachi had set, the study hall was sure to be a blessing later in the year when the classes got hard, but for now, during all the review work, it was just appreciated time to socialize. At least, that's what I had hoped it would be. Instead, it was time to research the terms under which Orochimaru had been released from police custody.

The eight of us walked into the _library _for the only hour of free time we had during school hours and sat down at the available computer, me in Zetsu's lap, and the rest crowding around us.

"One to a seat," The librarian hissed at us. "And the rest of you need to find your chairs."

Deidara, by far the most adorable of any of us, gave the librarian the puppy eyes. He kept eye contact with the librarian until her heart melted and she turned into a puddle of goo. Deidara immediately dropped the act and sighed mournfully. "Please never make me do something like that again, un." Sasori pat him on the head comfortingly, but Hidan smacked his back playfully, chortling with Kisame.

I googled Orochimaru and found many articles related to the case. I flipped open my notebook, grabbed a pencil, and began taking notes. Orochimaru's legal defense team had been top notch. His lawyers included Shapiro and Bailey, both lawyers from the O.J. Simpson trial. No wonder he'd gotten off. They'd opened by discrediting me, saying my "allegations" were "ludicrous" and "unfounded." They went on to say that I was a "creative liar" and "yet another teenager tired of having her ego be unattended to." They finished off by revealing that I was spending the summer "alone with nine men at the shore in a hotbed of debauchery."

They then had begun to credit Orochimaru for his "spotless record save for a few complaints from anonymous citizens." They then tore down those citizens saying they were "bitter students upset over their science grades." Next, they had to tackle the glaring issues of the bodies found under the rubble of Orochimaru's house. Here, I admit that their tactic was pretty brilliant. They had claimed that Orochimaru was a "victim or a terrorist attack," and, as such, should not be considered responsible for anything found in the remaining rubble, because the terrorists probably planted it. The second they said "terrorist" and "victim" in the same sentence, they had won.

Orochimaru posted the ten percent of his bail and walked free once more. Here's the creepy thing though. After collecting the insurance money for his destroyed house, he purchased a new one that hadn't even been on sale. Apparently, the previous owner bought it for tax reasons after the residents had died and couldn't say no to whatever deal Orochimaru was offering. It took some digging, but I finally found the address of the house he'd purchased on a realtor site.

…_That bastard._

_**He bought our old house?**_

"He bought my house." I growled out.

Deidara rubbed my back as I glared at the unresponsive computer screen. Just then, the bell ran, signaling that we had five minutes to get to our next class. I quickly logged off and we walked to physics together, actually somewhat eager for the class to begin.

Kabuto was qualified to teach all the science classes, so he was the only science teacher, but because each class needed different equipment, it would be his first time in the physics room all day. He arrived shortly after we had begun waiting outside the door for him to unlock the darkened classroom.

As he passed me, he winked. I winked back and he was so surprised that he walked right into the locked door of his classroom. I smirked cruelly and he glared. With the small amount of pride he had left, he managed to open the door with his eyes closed, trying to calm his nerves that my wink had caused.

Seeing as his eyes were shut, he walked right into his class without looking and slammed right into a wall, but not a legitimate wall. Oh, no. A wall of shoe boxes. To be precise, a class room filled entirely with a total of 980 shoe boxes from floor to ceiling.

"You didn't tell me what size you were or what style you liked, so I had to guess. These were my favorites." I explained while he stared at the wall of shoes in total shock.

He opened and closed his mouth several times, impersonating a fish _very_ well, before he pulled one of the shoe boxes out and opened it to see the contents.

It cheered me considerably and made me completely forget about the looming possibility of Orochimaru's return to watch Kabuto's jaw unhinge when he opened the box and realized that his room was filled with the latest in _women's_ footwear.

"Genuine Italian letter, just like you asked." I smiled. "That pair of stilettos," I pointed to the pair of heels he was holding, "will eliminate those horrible cankles of yours."

Senior Prank: complete.

End Chapter

_A/N: I dropped Pablo Sanchez, my CPR dummy, in the pool in lifeguarding and then my Mountain Dew blew up in Economics ALL OVER MY LAPTOP. I wrote this chapter to cheer myself up._

_Don't worry, Sakura didn't spend _all_ of her lottery money on shoes._

_**I need a name for the CPR dummy that will replace the Pablo Kisame broke. Any suggestions should be left in a review. Credit will be given to the person who suggests the name I use.**_

_In case you were wondering, yes, I calculated how many shoe boxes it would take to fill a classroom. I was bored in Government class._


	42. Umbridge Territory

_A/N: Jon Stewart – slash – Stephen Colbert Rally in D.C. was awesome. I'm STILL pumped._

_Disclaimer: Yes, I am a mangaka with the pen name "Masashi Kishimoto." It's shocking, I know, but you're sure to recover._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 42**

**Umbridge Territory**

"Sakura, are you okay?" Sasori asked tentatively over breakfast the next morning.

I looked up from my silent contemplation of the meaning of orange juice and ceased my unconscious tapping of my new leather Italian heel, which was one of the few pairs I decided to keep when Kabuto refused his gift and I decided to return them all. "Yeah, why?" I'd forgotten Sasori was there. I was thinking about Orochimaru.

Sasori looked uncharacteristically nervous to admit what he said next. "You're buttering your bagel with a spoon." He pointed out, nodding his head with a look of pity.

I looked down at my bagel. Sasori was right. I met his eyes. "I'm distracted." I confessed.

"I can tell." He said.

I looked around and noticed we were alone at our table. "Where are the others?"

He twitched, but otherwise resisted the urge to smack his own forehead. "Class."

"Oh, are we late?" I asked, putting the pieces together.

"Sakura, it's third period. We passed late a _long_ time ago." He said gently.

"I'm spacey, aren't I?" I concluded, innocently, like it had nothing to do with the fact that Orochimaru's sort of return had me scared for my ass and ready to run for the hills (in my new high heels) at any time.

He nodded.

"Go to class, Sasori, I'll go hang with TenTen in the library, she has this free." I told him, gathering my things and finishing my bagel.

"Alright," He stood up, lifting his backpack. Together, we walked down the hall since the library was on his way to class. Tucking my hair behind my ear, I took a step away from him, towards the library. His fingers grazed my wrist as he reached out to grab me but thought better of it. I turned towards him and raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure you're okay?" He asked, sounding desperately lost.

I decided not to answer him, so he stepped towards me, and engulfed me in a hug. His lips pressed against my head. "It's going to be fine. We're going to destroy the creepy snake bastard, just like in Harry Potter." He muttered into my hair, squeezing me tight. It had been a long, long, long time since I'd been hugged like this, as if a person's arms were the only thing keeping me together. I couldn't find the strength to hug him back, my whole body feeling like a cooked noodle, so I just clutched the hem of his shirt, squeezed my eyes shut, and pushed my face into the crook of his shoulder.

After a long time, he stepped away, catching my hands in his. He looked deep into my eyes, debating something and finally said, "Look, I'm not supposed to give this to you before tonight with all the guys, but you seem really freaked out," he dropped one of my hands to reach into his pocket. He pulled out an iPhone. "If anything happens, just call one of us, okay? You not having a phone was a real pain in the ass sometimes."

I reached out and poked the phone to make sure it was real. It was. With a loud, completely obnoxious squeal of joy, I grabbed the phone and promptly began to covet it. Then, with a lot of difficulty, I figured out how to text on it and sent a 'THANK YOU!' text message to all the guys, already listed in the phonebook, including Pein and Kakuzu.

A minute later, Sasori received several text messages at once that all said something along the lines of 'You asshole, you were supposed to wait to give it to her!' complete with angry emotes.

Itachi texted me back to say 'You're welcome, Sakura.' Deidara's text said 'Ur welcome.' and Kisame's said 'np' with a smilie face. Zetsu sent just a smile and Tobi sent a text that said 'IMMA PIRATE!' and that made me giggle quite a bit. Hidan's said 'blow me and we'll call it even' with a winking face. I texted him back 'in your dreams' with a winking face. He texted me a frowning face.

Pein texted me back with a simple 'don't thank me, it was their idea.' Kakuzu didn't text back but I was getting distinct brain waves from him that said something like 'dammit, another phone bill to pay.'

"Thanks, Sasori!" I cheered, hugging Sasori, for real this time, and giving him a quick kiss. "I'm gonna go show Tenten!" I then rushed into the library.

Sasori glared after me. "The next time I give you something nice, I expect a _real_ kiss!"

"I'll keep that in mind!" I promised, calling to him over my shoulder once more before spotting Tenten in the library and jogged happily over to her. She didn't see me, as she was talking to Neji, so I glomped her from behind. "Tenten! I gots a phone so gives me your number~!"

Tenten squealed, ripping the phone out of my hand for inspection when I showed it to her. Neji leaned back in his chair, intent on ignoring us, and propped open a book. "Where'd you get it?" Tenten asked eagerly.

I sat at one of the two open chairs at the table. "Sasori _just_ gave it to me. Isn't it pretty? I'm gonna name him Joey."

"Sasori gave it to you? Does that mean you two are going out?" She asked curiously, more concerned about my relationship status than my new iPhone's naming status.

I tilted my head to the side. "No. Why would you think that?"

Tenten saved herself in Joey and handed it back to me. "Well, homecoming's coming up and since you're a senior now, you're in the same boat as me: it's our last homecoming. So, I was just wondering who you're going with."

"Gee, I guess I don't have to ask who _you're_ going with." I rolled my eyes meaningfully towards Neji who smirked at me.

"Don't dodge the question, Sakura. Who're you going to homecoming with?" She repeated the question, trying to focus on me and not her boyfriend who was looking handsome in his ruggedly dashing way.

"I don't know, Tenten," I said in my whiny voice. "It hasn't actually come up with any of them. They're guys. Homecoming doesn't really register on their radar. Besides, seniors or not, isn't homecoming a little… I don't know, cliché?"

Tenten raised an eyebrow at me. "Only lonely people think Homecoming is cliché." She said.

"I'm not lonely." I protested, glaring slightly at her judgments.

She held out her hand. "Give me back your phone."

I glared suspiciously at her proffered hand. "Why?"

"I'm going to put Temari's number in it for you, oh-suspicious-one." She rolled her eyes and took Joey when I held him out to her. She began typing away on it and as she did, I picked up a book from Neji's pile of reading material and read the back. It looked good. "You're going to homecoming with Hidan." Tenten suddenly said, handing the phone back to me.

"What?" I questioned very loudly. One of the librarians shushed me. I stuck my tongue out at her. "What do you mean?" I asked quieter. Looks like I _did_ have just cause for being suspicious of her.

"I texted all your Akatsuki friends and said 'This is Tenten, Sakura needs a date to Homecoming. First one to respond can take her and have his way with her for the night.' And Hidan was the first one to respond." She explained.

"You didn't." I hissed at her.

"Oh, but I did." Tenten looked _way_ too pleased with herself. "You can thank me later."

I glared at her but was interrupted by Joey announcing the arrival of a text from an unknown caller. It read 'Sakura, I would appreciate you not making your homecoming plans during my class, because now Hidan can't shut up about what he's going to do to you and I'm trying to teach.'

I texted back to say 'who is this?' but I had a pretty good guess.

'It's Kakashi, and, btw, you've got detention after school tomorrow for ditching my class.' He texted, adding a sadistic smilie face at the end just for shits and giggles.

Damn you, Kakashi. Damn you to hell.

The bell declaring the end of third period went off and I said a fake angry goodbye to Tenten for pimping me out and a polite goodbye to Neji before heading to fourth period with the guys: gym.

I changed into my new gym uniform and reported to the main gymnasium. The guys were there, forever faster changers than I shall ever be. "Can't wait for homecoming night!" Hidan yelled to me across the gym, lounging against the wall.

I waited until I was across the gym to respond. "You better dress nice, because if I have to go to Homecoming, I'm gonna make sure I look damn sexy." I told him, giving him my serious face.

Hidan smirked. "Now, do I get you the whole day, or just that fucking night?"

"The whole day! Have fun!" Tenten yelled from across the gym. I forgot she had this too. Stupid small school, throwing us all together in the same classes.

"Alright class!" Gai announced, finally appearing on the scene. "Today we're going to practice our CPR!" And, with that, he held up Pablo, covered almost entirely in duct tape.

"I thought I killed that damn thing!" Kisame yelled, pointing at the offensive dummy.

Gai gave him a look. "He's not Humpty Dumpty, student whose name I can't remember right now, all the king's horses and all the king's men can easily put him back together again with enough duct tape and elbow grease."

Kisame looked depressed. Pablo was back and, once again, Gai couldn't remember his name. "Oh, screw this class!" He yelled, walking back to the locker room, intent on ditching. The guys followed. I left gym as well, seeing no point in attending without eye candy to ogle, and the guys were waiting for me outside the locker room when I came out, changed back into my regular outfit for today (jeans and a low cut top).

After lunch, I decided my GPA was more important than my utter hatred of Kabuto and dragged my sorry ass to physics class. He was a good teacher, surprisingly, but his glares at the guys and periodic creeper stares at me were always making me hate him more and more. He was no Voldemort-Orochimaru, but, in Harry Potter terms, he was evil enough to qualify as a less sexy version of Snape, only _all_ evil. He wasn't quite evil enough to be in Umbridge territory though, thank the lord for that.

Despite Pablo's return, my new Homecoming date, and Kabuto's creepiness, we all made it through the day, relishing in the fact, still, that this was the last year we'd be stuck in the microcosm that is high school. That is, as long as we all pass English.

After homework that night, Hidan decided he was bored with his iPod and concluded that annoying me would be much more fun. "Hey, Sakura, what the fuck are you wearing to Homecoming?"

I glared at him; he knew crappy teenage things were not my thing and I didn't really want to go. "I don't know, I haven't gone shopping yet. Why do you even care? You're intent on grinding up against me all night, whatever I wear." I asked, pointing out his obvious plan to break all dance contract rules and setting down the book I had been reading, getting ready for the coming argument.

Hidan smirked his evil Jashinist smirk. "I just want to start fucking planning the easiest way to get it the fuck off of you."

I rolled my eyes, turning off Waldo so I could make this quite clear to him without the distraction of Katy Perry in my ears. "In that case, I'll just wear something so frumpy that you won't even want to take it off of me."

Hidan had the audacity to laugh. "It's coming off, no matter what the fuck it is, so you might as well wear something sexy."

I glared at him. "So, what? I'm just supposed to wear something for the sole purpose of turning you on?"

Hidan nodded. "It couldn't hurt to put me in a good mood."

"You're a pig." I told him, joking only the tiniest bit.

"Might I suggest that we skip the dance and you just spend the entire fucking night nude in my bed?" Hidan ignored me, smiling full out now, clearly amused with his imaginings.

"I don't want the others to be mentally scarred when you strip down to your bare bony ass in bed next to me." I told him, smiling angrily.

"Oh, you've been looking at my ass?" Hidan was quick to smirk.

"Only when I need to induce vomiting," I said, smiling viciously.

"DIS!" all the boys, watching the conversation, cheered together, laughing at Hidan.

"Ouch. That was just mean." Hidan said, going for the pity vote.

"So is your objectification of me." I smiled, letting him know I was really only half-joking.

"If you weren't so hot, I wouldn't have to objectify you." Hidan surprised me by saying a full sentence without cursing and being able to use 'objectify' properly.

"Is that supposed to be a compliment?" I asked him, raising a skeptical eyebrow.

"No, it's a pick up line." He clarified.

"You're obnoxious," I told him.

"You're sexy." He continued.

I threw my book at him. "You're drunk." I accused him. He was.

"Just accept the fact that we're going to fuck soon, one way or the other." He chuckled, dodging my projectile book.

"What's the other way, rape?" I asked, wondering at his true meaning in saying 'one way or the other.'

"Nah, you'll fucking consent after I get you nice and drunk." He said.

I eyed the bottle of blackberry wine I'd been binge drinking all night suspiciously. It's deliciousness was making me buzzed for now, but when I was drunk, Inner Sakura tended to come out to play and from there it would be a cake walk for any guy with a six pack and a libido to get in my pants. "You suck monkey balls." I told Hidan angrily.

"Not true, but you're welcome to suck my fucking balls anytime." Hidan shook his head smiling.

I gaped. "How is it that you make everything dirty?"

"It's a gift." He smirked. "So, what's your favorite condom color?"

I was about to throw something else at him when, suddenly, Kisame sat on my bed. "I know Hidan's an ass, but I hope you know that at least I respect you." He said, sounding entirely sincere.

I knew he was saying this to me as part of an unspoken plan because then he winked. I smirked evilly and made it look as if all the anger at Hidan drained out of me as I sighed dreamily, staring at Kisame. "That's so sexy," I said, watching, out of the corner of my eyes, as Hidan's jaw dropped. For a little icing on the cake, I put my hand on Kisame's thigh for leverage and kissed him fully on the lips.

Hidan might have died from shock.

Kisame might have died of happiness.

He took a minute to recover from the initial shock and then responded at full force, pushing me down onto my pillow and crawling on top of me, shoving his tongue into my mouth and grabbing my ass with one hand.

"Hey, hey, kids! None of that hanky panky stuff in the dorms!" We heard a voice yell. We broke apart and looked to see Gaara standing in the doorway (we had left the door open). He was shirtless, obviously getting ready for bed. Next to him was Naruto, still wearing his day clothes of orange pants and a black t-shirt.

"Hey, guys!" I greeted them cheerfully. Gaara had been allowed back into the school, despite his indiscretion the year before and I hadn't seen him or Naruto since the bon fire party. "What's up?"

"Err," Naruto scratched his cheek with his index finger nervously. "Can you help me with my math homework?" He asked.

I smacked my forehead with my palm. "Only a few days into school and you're already having math trouble?"

"Geometry is hard!" He insisted.

I waved him over, along with Gaara, and Kisame grudgingly exited my bed to make room for them. I spent the rest of the evening teaching Naruto about the wonderful world of geometric proofs. He finally began to comprehend it, but simultaneously began to loathe them more and more. Gaara just chilled out against my headboard and picked up a copy of _The Things They Carried_ I'd been annotating for English class. Occasionally he would ask me questions about my notes, but he otherwise remained silent.

The guys didn't seem to really mind that they were there, although Kisame did look a bit put out. Deidara, Sasori, and Hidan had glared at first, but Itachi put a stop to it with a simple look. Zetsu looked less than interested, though he was thoroughly distracted by cramming for history. Tobi joined us on the bed eventually, to ask some math questions of his own, before turning towards his physics homework.

I don't know if they had meant it, but if they had been planning on getting me to cheer up and completely forget about Orochimaru, they had succeeded. Somewhere between a new phone and complimentary angles, I completely and totally forgot to be afraid.

-Naruto can't do math for shit-

The next day was average. My fear of evil snake people did not return all morning. Over lunch, Deidara had declared it 'kick a ginger day' and we all spent some time harassing Sasori who insisted that he wasn't a ginger because he didn't have light skin or freckles, just red hair. We pulled out some South Park jokes on him, though, and declared him a day walker. He was pissed that we didn't just bother Gaara, but he laughed at some of the jokes made at his expense.

In eight period, I told them I had detention via note passing. A note saying 'LAME' in Deidara's scrawl came back. 'Sorryyyy' I wrote back in scribbled cursive.

'I can't believe Kakashi gave you detention, you're his favorite student.' Kisame wrote on the corner of the paper he was taking notes slash doodling on.

'You were supposed to help me with my homework!' Tobi wrote on his paper and then drew a caricature of himself, crying.

I gave him a sympathetic look and mouthed that I would help him after dinner.

'And to think we were planning to hack the school's files to find out more about Kabuto-creeper tonight. Of all the days to get detention.' Itachi wrote sarcastically.

'You don't need me there to hack the files. Text me when you find something.' I wrote, smiling at him. Zetsu read the note over his shoulder and nodded at me.

Finally, the end of the day came and I was reminded by Kakashi, via text, that I was to serve detention between classes letting out and dinner time. I sent him a frowning face and reported for my very first, and hopefully last, detention. In our school, teachers rotate detention duty and, just my luck, Kabuto was the day's lucky winner.

He was grading tests when I walked in. Since it was so early in the school year, nobody else had warranted detention yet and we were alone. Thankfully, he didn't even look at me. I sighed in relief and took a seat at a desk by the windows where the light was best and began to silently work on my homework. After homework, I studied for English class by pulling out the packets of short stories we were studying. Kakashi would be so happy I'd learned my lesson.

As I was reading, I heard a chair scrape across the floor as Kabuto stood up. I was, so far, amazed he'd lasted this long giving me the cold shoulder but I was shocked all over that, when I glanced up at him, he still wasn't even sparing me a glance. He just straightened his pile of tests and walked over to his messenger bag in the corner to pull out a bottle of water. There was definitely something wrong with him.

"Are you okay?" I asked him. He seemed so distracted that I couldn't help but be a tiny bit compassionate.

He finally looked at me and seemed surprised to see me there. He straightened his glasses to regain composure. "I'm fine." He said.

"Alright." I said. My compassion for him burned out as quickly as it had come. I turned back to my reading.

After several minutes, Kabuto cleared his throat. I looked at him, raising an eyebrow. The left one. It's always better to raise your left eyebrow, not your right. "What are you reading?" He asked conversationally.

"_A and P_." I told him in a skeptical voice, not really sure where this was going.

He nodded, like he'd read it before, even though he probably hadn't. "Are you thirsty?" he asked, holding up a spare water bottle I hadn't seen him drink from yet. "You've been in here for a few hours without anything and it _is_ hot today."

I was taken aback by his seemingly randomness and nodded. He tossed me the water bottle and I took a deep drink. And, while I was at it, I realized I was quite thirsty indeed, and finished the whole thing. I sighed with refreshment and wiped my mouth afterwards. It tasted funny, but I couldn't find it in me to care. "Thanks." I smiled my best smile.

"It's not a problem," Kabuto said, turning away oddly.

"Are you sure you're okay?" I asked. It was weird for him to go this long without spazzing our or trying to hit me with an ambulance.

He opened his mouth to answer but was cut off by my cell phone going off. Blushing my half-assed apology, I quickly pulled Joey out of my pocket and opened the text from Deidara. It read: We just hacked the school's records. One of Kabuto's recommendation letters was from Orochimaru. Get out of there now.

I looked at Kabuto with new eyes. By simple association with Orochimaru, he'd just graduated from Snape into Umbridge territory. "Something interesting?" He inquired, referring to the text.

"You-you know Orochimaru?" I asked, ready to slit my wrists for allowing myself to stutter.

Kabuto was silent as he reached behind him to lock the classroom's door before taking a few steps towards me.

"What are you, his lackey or something?" I demanded, shoving my stuff back into my pack and standing up.

Kabuto smirked and pushed me back down into my seat roughly. Something about me saying lackey had definitely pissed him off. "I _do_ know Orochimaru. We're actually close personal friends, if you will." He smiled in a deranged way.

"What the hell do you two freaks want with me, anyway?" I decided to ask, realizing that this trapped little bunny feeling was very similar to the one I'd had last spring when Orochimaru had attacked.

"For now, nothing." Kabuto said, standing up straight again and walking straight back to his desk.

"Huh?" I asked, dumbfounded, feeling a little dizzy, probably from his mood swings.

Kabuto gave me a look that clearly suggested he was questioning my intelligence. "Nothing." He repeated. "I'm just going to wait."

"Wait for what?" I asked, glaring at his smug face.

Kabuto smirked, happy to finally be able to reveal his master plan. "For the drugs in that water you drank earlier to spread through your body and render you completely unable to fight back." He straightened his glasses again.

-end chapter-

_A/N: Alright, I have a one shot written for Lizakon (her deviantart name) for drawing Bonbon, Gaara's panda, and Spike but it seemed weird to put it at the end of such an intense chapter so I'm saving it for next time._

_Also, we're 72 reviews away from 2,000, so please please please review like the wind. I take anonomyous reviews and death threats and flames, whatever. I just need to hit 2000, so please review! I'll love you forever (unless you leave a flame; those make me sad). Alright, love you guys! Reviewww!_


	43. High as a Bomb Making Ostrich

_**SURPRISE TRIPLE CHAPTER UPDATE OF WIN-SAUCY-NESS! THANKS FOR WAITING!**_

_A/N: Many things in the past month have disturbed me regarding this story. Firstly, I updated on the two year anniversary of its publishing last time. And I didn't even notice. I can't believe I've been at this two years… Please, say there's been some improvement. Secondly, we're now about 21 hundred reviews deep and I STILL haven't been flamed. I don't know whether to be sad or happy… Where'd all the mean people in the world go? And, thirdly, two days after I posted my last chapter, my mother's boyfriend bought her an iPhone 4. Which makes my story a psychic. I've named her iPhone Joey._

_Excuses: I was too obsessed with HP to update. Sorry. Also, I had to write a full story for my bestie's Hanukah gift._

_Disclaimer: TAKE WHAT YOU CAN. GIVE NOTHING BACK._

_Warnings: Don't accept drinks from strangers, don't do drugs, and don't make homemade bombs, no matter how fun it sounds in this story._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 43**

**High as a Bomb Making Ostrich**

-Recap-

_"You-you know Orochimaru?" I asked, ready to slit my wrists for allowing myself to stutter._

_Kabuto was silent as he reached behind him to lock the classroom's door before taking a few steps towards me._

_"What are you, his lackey or something?" I demanded, shoving my stuff back into my pack and standing up._

_Kabuto smirked and pushed me back down into my seat roughly. Something about me saying lackey had definitely pissed him off. "I __do__ know Orochimaru. We're actually close personal friends, if you will." He smiled in a deranged way._

_"What the hell do you two freaks want with me, anyway?" I decided to ask, realizing that this trapped little bunny feeling was very similar to the one I'd had last spring when Orochimaru had attacked._

_"For now, nothing." Kabuto said, standing up straight again and walking straight back to his desk._

_"Huh?" I asked, dumbfounded, feeling a little dizzy, probably from his mood swings._

_Kabuto gave me a look that clearly suggested he was questioning my intelligence. "Nothing." He repeated. "I'm just going to wait."_

_"Wait for what?" I asked, glaring at his smug face._

_Kabuto smirked, happy to finally be able to reveal his master plan. "For the drugs in that water you drank earlier to spread through your body and render you completely unable to fight back." He straightened his glasses again._

-End Recap-

"Oh, my Jashin," I gaped. I was angry, but mostly shocked.

Kabuto nodded sagely, folding his hands on the desk. "Yes, I can't believe you fell for that."

"Me neither, it's so… predictable." I admitted, wanting to shoot myself in the foot, although, metaphor wise, I already had. "I was expecting the unexpected, like you holding me hostage using a rabid ostrich or something. I even looked up ways to escape an ostrich in preparation for it. I never expected you to be so… boring. You… you're a really sucky villain, you know that?"

Kabuto raised his left eyebrow at me (damn him). "How do you distract an ostrich?" He asked.

"As it turns out, they're kind of like dogs. Just pretend to throw something, and they'll go right after it—why are we having this conversation? What the hell was in that water? Roofies?" I demanded, realizing that talking about the simplicity of an ostrich wasn't the main thing right now. I needed to get out of there.

_**Text the guys, you dumb piece of shit!**_

Kabuto rolled his eyes at my lapse in intelligence. "Columbian Devil's Breath... among other things." He answered.

_He'll just take my phone if I try texting them._

_**Then distract him, like an ostrich!**_

I decided to go for it (probably because the drugs in that water were legitimately making me high). I formed a fist, and pretended to throw something into the opposite corner of the room. Kabuto didn't even twitch to watch my imaginary object fly. He just kept looking at me with a devious smile on his face.

_**iPhonoe app, dumbass. Use the epicness of your iPhone.**_

Oh, iPhones have so many apps, it's amazing. I put my hand in my backpack, holding Joey out of his sight, and began pressing sound effects. The sound of a gun cocking made him freeze.

"You're not supposed to have guns in school, Sakura." He said, sinking in his chair so most of him was protected by the desk.

"You're not supposed to drug students." I said, standing up, hand in backpack, backpack in the other hand and moved towards the door. Kabuto twitched as if he would stop me. "Move, and I'll shoot you in the face." I threatened darkly.

I deftly unlocked the door, while still holding onto my bag, opened it, slipped out, and closed it behind me. I dropped Joey in the bag, zipped it up, threw it over my shoulder, and ran like hell. But then, suddenly, running seemed stupid. There were so many pretty colors to enjoy along the way. And so, as to enjoy all the pretty colors, I began to skip happily though the furry meadow.

That is, until I crashed into Kisame.

I put one hand on his shoulder spontaneously, and laced my fingers of my other hand into his and began to waltz him around, giggling madly. "Sakura?" He asked, completely confused.

I smiled dreamily at him. "Felt tip pens _are_ quite sensual, I agree."

Kisame didn't know exactly what to make of that. "In what way?" He asked.

"If I had five hundred sets of your eyes, I'd have won the Triwizard Tournament." I told him, nodding emphatically.

Kisame's brain finally figured it out. "Are you _high?_"

"Such a spare. Unfair advantage. Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders." I muttered incoherently.

"Okay… A Very Potter Musical jokes… I'm still not following you." Kisame said, trying to string together my obscure references.

I giggled at his face. He was so hysterically pretty. Like a Jaws plushie. "You know what'd be awesome? Pink haired shark babies. Let's do it, Kisame."

Kisame didn't know what to say.

We were still dancing.

I laughed uproariously. "Maybe I'll put a bow on my head."

"Oh, thank God, you found her." Sasori said, spotting us from down the hall. "Uh, why are you two dancing?"

Kisame gave Sasori a pleading look. "She's high as a fucking kite, man."

I stopped dancing but kept hold of Kisame's hand and grabbed Sasori's hand with my other one. I swung our arms back and forth and looked hazily at the wall. "We should all get naked and dance in strobe lights." I told them.

Sasori was out of his shirt in a minute but Kisame kicked him. "Put your clothes back on, ya freak. Can't you see she's vulnerable?"

"She's consenting," Sasori argued, gesturing to me. I was now sitting on the floor, swaying to the sweet music of John Lennon.

Kisame looked at him, disgusted. "She's high. She can't consent."

They forgot about me as they argued. By the time Zetsu and Itachi found us, they were in a screaming match and I was in my underwear, spinning and wondering if the world would spin with me if I did it long enough.

Itachi made a grab for my, but I triple-axeled my way out of his grasp and smiled coyly at him.

"Put your clothes back on, Sakura." Itachi instructed me calmly.

"How 'bout you take your clothes off, 'Tachi?" I asked him in my best petulant voice.

"Sakura…" Zetsu said in a reproachful voice.

I sat on the floor upset, but then I got happier again when I decided to make snow angels.

Itachi face-palmed.

"You are so high…" Zetsu muttered disapprovingly, shaking his head slowly.

"You are soooooo sexy." I countered, hopping back to my feet for some Macarena. I was getting in some serious exercise.

"Sakura, why are you naked, un?" Deidara asked, arriving on the scene with Tobi.

I squinted at him. Then I pointed at him and declared "Ha-ha, my boobs are bigger than yours!"

Deidara looked deeply saddened.

Everyone else was amused. Sasori was dying on the floor, laughing.

"Where's Hidan?" I finally asked them. He was the only one missing from the party, right?

Kisame gave it some thought before shrugging. "I don't know…"

"I'll go find him!" I volunteered, and ran as fast as I could from them, still in just my underwear.

"Oh shit," All the boys said belatedly and began chasing me.

I giggled madly and ducked into the pool. There wasn't any class in there at the moment, so I ran right in and leapt into the deep end. Wait, how do you swim again?

-Kisame Resuscitated Me Instead of Pablo for Once in His Life-

It was Kisame who pulled me out. Hidan was called back and we all met up in the dorm, me quarantined to my bed until I was less… high. My appointed warden was Bonbon, who sat primly on my stomach and glared at me.

I scratched her head behind her ear. She purred in content and leaned into my palm. No more scary guard kitty. "You know, Bonbon. I've seriously misunderstood boys. You think that when you take your clothes off in front of a few boys, at least one will want to have sex with you. Yet here I am, curled up in bed, forever innocent." There must still be some ecstasy in my system.

Bonbon meowed her sympathy, nodding her head sagely.

Hidan looked like he wished he'd been the one to find me, high as a kite. He wouldn't have any issues with taking advantage of me.

Kisame looked scandalized. "Well, excuse me for being a gentleman." He snapped, standing up and pulling off his shirt. "If you want to do it, let's do it."

It was Bonbon's turn to be pissed. She didn't like sharing Kisame. She bit my thumb and took a swipe at my face. Note to self: have Bonbon declawed. I myself didn't have a chance to respond before Kisame was knocked unconscious when Deidara threw Pablo, the school's unsanitary CPR dummy, which he and Sasori had kidnapped, at him. Kisame dropped to the floor. "No one wants to see your naked ass, un." Deidara said, belatedly, a look of disgust on his face.

"So, what are we going to do about Kabuto?" I asked.

Deidara smiled. "I've got an idea."

-And, so, we plot-

It was the general consensus that we had been too easy on Orochimaru. We hadn't recognized or had refused to recognize the extent of his insanity. We wouldn't make the same mistake with Kabuto. It was all or nothing. We _would_ make him leave this school before he had and Orochimaru-esque freak out and blew it up.

We decided to destroy his classroom, to start out with, and Deidara suggested bombing it. Not, mega fireball bomb, but a bomb that would have a blast radius about the size of a classroom. The only problem was how to get a bomb, but Deidara had it covered.

In the dead of night, we went down to Kabuto's physics classroom. Once inside, on the desk in the middle of the room, we placed a jar. Kisame poured a bit of water into it. Sasori stood over it, ready with the lid to seal it. Deidara took a pinch of some gravel sized calcium carbide, which he got at a hardware store, as all hardware stores sell it, and dropped it into the jar. Sasori twisted the lid on tightly at lightning speed, and we ran, shutting the door behind us.

(_A/N: Please do not make this bomb at you house, school, or anywhere. Don't make it. It WILL blow up in your face, and it WILL kill you. And you can't hold me responsible if that does happen. JUST. DON'T. MAKE. IT. You'll be just another five minutes on Spike's 1000 Ways to die, and during the recreation, they'll flash 'WARNING! IDIOCY ALERT!' across the screen. You know you don't want for that to happen.)_

As we ran in the opposite directing, the pressure in the jar increased as the chemical reaction occurred and, finally, just as we were settling down in our beds, it exploded. The blast woke up everybody in both the school and the neighboring houses. We were all forced to evacuate. The police and firefighters were called. Dogs were made to search the school for any other bombs or signs of any bomb making materials. However, Sasori and Deidara were wearing backpacks, filled with any possibly incriminating evidence from the dorm room.

School was cancelled. The threat was deemed too great.

So, with our newly acquired free time, we decided to go shopping for Homecoming. However, it was the middle of the night. So we decided to take a drive to Beverly Hills to do some shopping on Rodeo Drive. First of all, everything would be open when we got there, and, second, I'm fucking rich, yay lottery, so I can afford it.

However, shopping wasn't the fun part. In fact, we never actually got a chance to go shopping. It was getting there that was awesome. As per usual, Tobi was carting us around in the Tobi Mobile, but, because we had all the incriminating things from our dorms with us, we were enjoying the trip. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't thoroughly drunk and getting cozy with Zetsu, who, let's be honest, was just as drunk.

In fact, only Tobi wasn't drunk. He was our designated driver.

However, his ability to drive was impaired by Sasori's repeated attempts to remove his eye patch. Only when we'd reached out destination did Tobi realize someone had programmed his GPS to lead him to Los Vegas instead of Los Angeles. And what do teenagers lost in Vegas and too young to gamble or drink legally do?

Go to a bar and hope you don't get carded.

It was 4am the following day when we returned to school. I was being carried by Kisame and Deidara. Kisame carrying my feet, Deidara had his arms hooked under my pits. We were still majorly buzzed. We had four hours before classes started. So, in preparation for the day, we decided to go swimming. The new school's pool was awesome. Once on the pool deck, Deidara and Kisame swung me back and forth three times before throwing me into the pool. I laughed, pulled myself out, and pulled off my clothes. They did the same.

We woke up on the pool deck hours earlier, all in our underwear, still damp, with major hangovers, while the freshman swimming class gaped as us and one would aliens.

I groaned, not caring about them when my pounding head took priority.

Gai, swim teacher, gym teacher, spandex loving extraordinaire called Ebisu. There was no getting out of this. We'd been caught drunk on school grounds. I blew a .21 in the office, when they broke out the breathalyzer.

The law was handed down.

One hundred hours community service. No more sleeping in the boys dorms. Banned from the Homecoming dance. Good thing I hadn't bought a dress, huh?

"Anything else?" I asked Ebisu irritably. He'd been trying all of us separately and I was the last to be called into his office.

"No. That's all. Your record is spotless, since it blew up at the end of last year, so you're free to go." Ebisu said grumpily.

I picked up a can of playdoh and one of those molding toy things that turned it into spaghetti and began making playdoh spaghetti. "Wait, I forgot, what were those punishments again?" I asked him pleasantly.

"One hundred hours community service, sleep in your own dorm, and you can't go to Homecoming." Ebisu replied, eyeing the playdoh warily.

I pretended to be deaf, as I made more delicious playdoh food. "I'm sorry, what?"

Ebisu swallowed, watching the pile of playdoh spaghetti grow. "Sleep in your own dorm, don't go to Homecoming…" he whispered, dropping the community service.

I stood up and began arranging the playdoh spaghetti on his head into a nice, spaghetti playdoh toupee. "I'm sorry, say it once more for me?"

Ebisu was shaking violently now. "N-N-No Homecoming?" He made it seem like a question, as if he were asking me what punishment would be appropriate.

"Well," I considered it. "That seems fair. Alright, bye Ebisu. I shan't see you at Homecoming!" I smiled at him and skipped out of his office.

Sure, I could've convinced him to let me go to Homecoming, but, really, I didn't want to go with Hidan after what he'd said to me the other day.

Physics was cancelled.

I wasn't in any trouble.

I wouldn't have to protect my virtue with a loaded gun and a taser on Homecoming night.

All was good in the world. Except for Kabuto. He needs to die. I returned to the guys, and we plotted some more.

-End Chapter-

_A/N: Ugh, so much dialog and so short! Oh well, I know what I want to do next, but it's too long to put in this chapter and I don't want to leave you guys on a cliff hanger again. Besides, you're getting three chapters at once, so get over it._


	44. Baldy Gets PWND

_Warning: Abuse of Sasuke ahead._

_Disclaimer: MINE ALL MINE, EXCEPT FOR THE PLOT, WHICH BELONGS TO LIZAKON!_

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 44**

**Baldy Gets PWND**

**Side Story for Lizakon (Deviantart name)**

SAKURA'S P.O.V.

Can't sleep. Won't let myself sleep. I take another sip of my Monster and will my eyes to refocus on the screen. I've been up on Itachi's laptop all night, watching anime. It's bad, I know. I shouldn't be doing this. I have a test third period tomorrow, and if I'm going to be up, I should be using the time to study. I'm _should_ study, but I can't, I'm captivated and it's all Hidan's fault for telling me about this anime.

It's called Soul Eater and I'm enough episodes in to know that I'd bear Stein's babies any day. Medusa better back the hell off, I've got dibs on him. There's a cliff hanger and the ending credits begin to play. I escape the full screen and go back to my torrent site for the next episode, when _bam_. I've just downloaded a virus, which takes away my internet connection and displays a picture of a bald man on the screen laughing with the message "you've just been pwnd."

Goddamn those cyber nerds. I was just innocently trying to pirate some anime and I end up crashing Itachi's computer. He's going to be so pissed. Now, to understand what I do next, you have to be aware that it's the wee hours of the morning, I'm exhausted, hopped up on Monster, and all my anger is directed at this stupid picture of a bald guy. I decide to get revenge on the bald man, and somehow that translates into getting revenge on the only bald person I know: Sasuke Uchiha.

Silently, I got out of bed and crept over to Sasori's, reaching under for his bag of mysteries. Something furry rubbed against my other arm, and I jumped before realizing it was Bonbon, ready to go ninja-kitty and join me for the mission. I motioned for her to be quiet and pulled out Sasori's bag of mysteries. Wincing at the sound, I unzipped it and looked inside.

There was a length of wire, duct tape, hand cuffs, a horribly scary mask, a bull whip, a Red Bull shot, some safety pins and paper clips, a Swiss army knife, a water bottle, a lighter he'd obviously stolen from Deidara, a notebook filled with plots, a copy of _The Anarchists Cookbook_, and volume 1 of Bleach. Never before had I been more proud of Sasori for his mysterious epic win-saucey-ness.

Bonbon and I purred with anticipation.

I drank the Red Bull, tied my long hair back, pulled on the mask, and looked under Deidara's bed for something just as useful as Sasori's bag of mysteries. I came back up with a safe. He was definitely taking more precautions after Orochimaru had robbed him last June. I tried Tobi's bed next. All I found was a hook hand.

I put it on, strolled out of the room and down to Sasuke's, which he shared with Naruto. One bobby pin and fifty seconds later, I was in. a new record in my now long streak of lock picking. Inside, Sasuke and Naruto were sleeping soundly, as was everybody normal at this time of night/morning.

I kicked Sasuke's bed post, after leaving the door open so he'd have a clear escape plan. Sasuke stirred and looked up, aided by the moonlight pouring into the room, at the mask I was wearing. He then proceeded to scream like a little girl. He fled from his blankets, screaming and never looking away from me, leaping into Naruto's bed. Naruto woke up, less than happy to be woken up by anybody that wasn't a pretty pink haired long time crush of his named Sakura. "What?" He grumbled.

Sasuke pointed at me, still screaming.

Naruto saw me and started screaming too. I never thought he'd have a more manly scream than Sasuke, but he somehow did. Screaming, they scrambled for the door one I raised my hook-hand, and into the night. A few minutes later, there was an alarm and an announcement that said an intruder was in the school, but I was already sitting in the warmed front seat of Itachi's car, which I'd stolen the keys to, with Sasuke's iPad, which I'd stolen from his room.

I slid to unlock, but then it asked me for a passcode.

I don't know the pass code.

"Fuck!" I swore, throwing it on the dashboard and settling into the seat, grumpy with my arms crossed.

"Meow?" Bonbon didn't know the frustrations of human technology. Technology tended to run away from her.

There was a knock on the window and I saw Itachi gazing at me from outside. "Sakura, why is there a virus on my laptop?"

_**Double fuck.**_

"Uh… heh heh, funny story. Do you know Sasuke's iPad passcode?" I asked him. Soul Eater was _way_ more important than my impending doom for crashing his precious computer.

_-_End Chapter-

_A/N: Short, but funny. So many jokes for all of us anime watching geeks out there. Who among us hasn't downloaded a virus in our endless quest for Japanese cartoons? BTW, good things come to those who draw pictures of Bonbon for me, including oneshots like this._


	45. Gender Bender

_Disclaimer: This plot line was requested by Thirrin73-V2 after she drew me a picture of Bonbon, Pablo, Gaara's Panda, _and_ Spike. Other than that, I own everything. Get over it, lawyers. I'm just going to keep saying it._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 45**

**Gender Bender**

**Side Story for Thirrin73-V2 (Deviantart name)**

Once upon a last semester, Saku was returning from winter break with a heavy heart. His parents had died in a car accident. He couldn't stand classes anymore, and by lunch, he was heading up to the roof for some much deserved alone time. However, the door was locked, so, like the big manly man the pink-haired Saku was, he kicked down the door.

"The fuck was that?" A female voice snapped from an unseen section of the roof. Lazy footsteps approached. "Oh, hello, _little boy_." The girl greeted, eyeing Saku as if he were for purchase. Saku knew her. She was one of the seven famous junior girls. No man could hold them down. No outfit too slutty. This one, Hidan (_A/N: Hidana just doesn't make sense, so, yeah, same name)_, was wearing a mini skirt, fishnets, a low cut top, arm warmers and high heels. Who wears high heels to high school and isn't a teacher? Hidan, that's who. Around her neck was a black circle with an upside down triangle in it.

Saku tried not to drool. He'd never had much female interaction as a child, especially not with a girl this sexy. Hidan was in the Akatsuki, which everybody in town knew meant that she was an… ahem… "exotic dancer" at the famous downtown strip club.

"Hi," Saku greeted, coughing beforehand to clear his throat of any saliva that might have collected there.

_**Damn, she is so fucking sexy.**_

_I can see that. I don't need a voice in my head to tell me that. I know sexy when I see it._

A cute black haired girl, shorter than Hidan, with a pixie cut, low hanging jeans, and a sweater not quite long enough for her torso popped her head around the corner to see what Hidan was up to. It was Tobi. Boy name. Girl boobs. By far the cutest Akatsuki. "Aren't you a sophomore?" She asked, not bothered in the slightest by Saku staring at her eye patch curiously. You see, Tobi is a pirate.

"Frosh, actually," Saku corrected her, a lilt in his voice just daring her to offend him for being on the lowest part of the high school food chain.

"Freash_meat_, you mean?" Kisa asked. Around school, the guys called her the blue bombshell. Apparently her blue skin and hair color continued beneath her skinny jeans and notoriously lacy bras. She didn't wake up every morning and paint her visible skin blue. She just had blue shin, big boobs, sharp teeth, gold eyes, and a mess of long blue hair that looked good even while simultaneously appearing to have not seen a hair brush… ever.

Saku swallowed hard and willed his eyes to stop looking at her chest, where the lace of her bra was pushing against the thin fabric of her white scoop neck top.

"Are you sure you're not just an escapee from the middle school? You look much too innocent to be in high school quite yet." A red head purred, appearing, holding her backpack, which was filled with mysteries, and inviting Saku to stare at her magnificently long legs, bare beneath a black ruffled skirt and the tail end of a long jacket.

_**I like a girl in a short skirt and a loooooooooooong JACKET! **_Inner Saku belted, before humming the rest of the song, which belongs, by the way, to Cake.

Behind the redhead, who Saku just recalled was named Sasori, was Zetsu, her green hair claiming the prize for most ridiculous hair color so far. It trailed smoothly down her back, framing her entire body in a halo of soft, luscious, green. One side of her entire body was tanned, and the other albino pale. There was a pool amongst the boys in school as to whether that bicolor split extended below the belt that held up her a-little-too-big hemp jeans.

"Are you hell bent on deflowering every freshman, or are you just a genuine slut, un?" Dei asked critically. She was… perfect personified. Slender, but nice looking, with a well-proportioned rack, tall, but not beastly tall, and a long sweep of porn-star looking blonde hair where some locks were curled, others straight.

"Now, kids, stop fighting, or, so help me, I'll turn this car around right now and we'll go home." Itachi drawled sarcastically, appearing at last, the final member of the Akatsuki. She was very thin, decently tall for a girl, with a bit of a flat chest and black hair that swept to her mid back. Despite her tiny boobs, though, she was still shapely, and had a hypnotic look. A cool persona. Something about all of her moves seemed measured, something about her hands seemed special, and her blood red eyes were not piercing, but intoxicating. Like medical grade marijuana.

Saku was struck dumb by the sight of all the Akatsuki together at once. Surely, he was the luckiest guy on the planet. These girls… they were… delicious. No, better, scrumptious.

_**No, better, scrumdidileeumptious.**_ Inner Saku chimed in.

_What? No! That's such a stupid name; it's never going to catch on._

_**Fuck you.**_

_When I've got the _entire_ Akatsuki ready and waiting in front of me? No thanks, I'll pass._

_**Oh, you think you're sooooo clever.**_

"So, what brings you up here?" Kisa asked, friendly if it wasn't for her terrifying grin full of sharpened teeth.

Saku shrugged, and tried not to let his body take control. If his mother had taught him anything, it was that women were not objects. They were to be shown proper respect. Saku squared his shoulders, abandoned his teenage boy hormones, and politely met Kisa's golden gaze. He shrugged. "Sick of everything, you know?"

Kisa seemed surprised. She looked down at her chest to make sure her impressive rack was still there. It was. So why wasn't he staring at it? There are only three plausible reasons: he's gay, blind, or the only gentleman left in existence in the twenty-first century. Well, he wasn't blind or gay, Kisa concluded, as she'd seen him drooling over her earlier.

A black dog with a rainbow collar finally walked calmly around the corner, hopped over to Saku, sniffed his hand, and then liked it, wagging her tail. "Aww, Bonbon likes you," Tobi cooed. Who names a dog Bonbon?

"Well, I think we have just the kind of escape you need." Tobi smiled, having reached the same conclusion Kisa had: this freshie was a sweetheart. She hooked her arm with his and began leading him down the stairs. "C'mon, guys," she called happily over her shoulder.

Saku just followed Tobi's lead blindly into the parking lot. He didn't know what she meant by escape, but he figured they were going somewhere. He wasn't sure in _what_ though. Tobi drove? What, a smart car? A tricycle, while wearing a football helmet? However, he wasn't prepared for what Tobi _actually_ drove.

No lie, the monstrosity took up three parking spaces all on its own, as it wasn't a car at all. It was a U.S. military issued tank. A fucking tank. On the back, there was a sign that said 'Vehicles within 100 meters of this vehicle will be shot.' The words were repeated again in Arabic. Saku's jaw hit the pavement.

And Tobi, _Tobi_, just had the lady balls to stand there, hands on her hips, beaming at her tank and say "ah, the Tobi Mobile." With the most ridiculously proud smile on her face.

"Tobi?" Hidan asked.

"Yeah?"

"You're a dumbass." She said, striding past Tobi to clamor into the tank. Her parting words to Saku, before she scaled it, were "Look up my skirt and I'll fucking kill you."

Saku dutifully tuned away except to offer Tobi his hand up. She was a tiny thing, after all. Then, he climbed in last. Even after Bonbon, the dog, who'd scrabbled in all on her own.

Saku had never been inside a tank before, but he was pretty sure they weren't normally Dora the Explorer themed. "Tobi, is this thing safe to drive?" He asked to distract himself from Dora looking at him on all sides.

"Yeah, it's not loaded or anything," She smiled, turning towards him from the driver's seat. As she said that, he elbow pushed one of the many buttons, and the tank fired a missile, annihilating a stop sign across the parking lot.

Somehow, they made it to their destination anyway.

It was the strip club the Akatsuki worked at. They yanked a moderately reluctant Saku inside.

It was empty.

"They're still closed." Itachi explained, using his mind reading skills on Saku.

Saku looked at him.

Itachi blinked. "No, I'm not a Legilimens-performing wizard from Harry Potter. You're just easy to read."

Saku opened his mouth to protest, but Hidan had already shoved a bottle of blackberry wine in his hand and he was distracted by it. He twisted off the lid, took a long drink from the bottle, and smiled. "Is this _soda_?"

"Sure it is…" They all said at once, suspiciously.

Saku shrugged, and finished the bottle.

They led him behind the bar and taught him how to mix drinks. About a half hour later, the owner of the bar, a suspicious very CPR-dummy looking guy named Pablo, walked in. "Oh, what's this?" He asked, walking behind the bar to join them. "What are you kids up to?"

Saku didn't miss the way his hand squeezed Kisa's butt. Kisa growled at him, giving him a warning glare. If he wasn't her boss…

"Hey!" Saku snapped, pouring the drink he'd been mixing on Pablo's head. "Don't touch her!"

Suddenly, Bonbon hopped onto the bar. She changed from a giant black dog into a tiny fairy and with an all mighty wave of her arm, which dripped magic, everybody fell asleep. When they woke up, they were all the right gender again, and Pablo was inanimate again, as he should be. However, THEY ALL HAD HOOKS FOR HANDS!

Hidan glared at Tobi across the fire they were circled around in the center of Kabuto's classroom. Tobi was looking devious, with the flashlight pointed at his chin when he finally finished his long horror story. "That wasn't even fucking scary." He commented.

"You only say that because you weren't groped by Pablo in it." Kisame glared at Hidan, embarrassed by the chills still running along his spine and the goosebumps on his arms. "Weren't you scared, Sakura? …Sakura?"

Sakura didn't answer. She was asleep in Sasori's lap, her fist limp around the neck of an almost empty bottle of blackberry wine.

"See? She was so scared, she fainted!" Tobi cheered.

Hidan fumed at his ridiculous reasoning.

Itachi took this opportunity to confront Tobi. "Why was I the only one with a flat chest?"

Tobi glared at him, still stung by Hidan's criticism. "Why? Are you jealous that I was prettier than you?"

Itachi had never been so confused by his own feelings.

-End Chapter-

_A/N: THAT was fun to write._


	46. It's Naked Time

_A/N: Thanks for the fake flames guys, and for the constructive criticism that some of you seemed to think counted as flames (they're not—they're just advice, which I take as much as I can of, so thanks). We've hit 2000 reviews, by the way. A while ago actually, but I forgot to tell you all how happy that makes me. Do I hear 3000?_

_Uber Super Duper Message__: I HATE BETAS! It's nothing personal, I never got screwed over by a beta or anything, I just am a nagger, and I don't like it when people I know read something I wrote. It just BOTHERS me. I don't know why. But the only thing I hate more is editing my own work. It's super boring to read something I just wrote. So I've finally succumbed and purchased a beta-for-hire who also happens to be my best friend so I can shamelessly nag her all I want about getting my chapters back to me. So, officially, I introduce the now and forevermore (hopefully) beta of Scrumdidileeumptious: RoRo73. Also known as my gothic goddess bestie, RoRo (of the FUNK)._

_So, for the first time ever:_

_Special thanks to RoRo for betaing._

_Disclaimer: I own Scrumdidileeumptious, Naruto, the entire continent of Asia, Barack Obama's dog, several successful internet sites, three unmatched socks, and all of your souls._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 46**

**It's Naked Time**

I grunted from exertion as my kick missed Deidara's rib cage. He sure could dodge. Blonde bastard was too light on his feet. He lunged at me again, trying to get his arms around me, but I knew that if he did, I was screwed. I ducked and tried to grab him around the middle, but he seized my arm and twisted it behind my back, bringing my body closer to his, my back to his front. Once my butt touched his hips, I reached my other arm above my head and grabbed his hair, pulling on it violently. He hissed in pain, but his grip on my wrist only tightened.

Desperate times called for desperate measures. His pretty blonde hair would live on, even without its comrades, which I had just ripped out. I twisted just enough so that I could bite his neck and bit down hard, careful only to avoid his corroded artery. He let go of my hand that was pulling his hair to counter attack, while his other hand which was wrapped around the wrist he had behind my back loosened just enough. I yanked away, spinning for added force to escape his grasp. There was no pause before he began attacking me again.

I used the five D's of Dodgeball (dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge) to avoid him and swung my elbow at his temple, but he caught it, stopping the attack easily. It wasn't fair. He had far more fighting experience than me. His other arm snaked around my waist, pulling the fabric of my shirt and dragging me closer to him again. I fought tooth and nail against him, forgetting technique and lurching wildly. I yelled, twisting, trying to wrench my upper arm out of his hand and his hand off the hem of my shirt. Finally, I stamped down hard on his foot and he howled in pain, letting me go to nurse his wound by hopping around, cradling his injured foot in his hands.

I laughed openly at him, dropped my guard, relaxed my defensive stance to stand up straight, and smiled brightly at the boy I loved in a now purely platonic way. He glared at me, stepping gingerly on his foot again before deeming the resulting pain bearable. He feinted right, so I went left, and then he had me, tackling me to the ground and sitting on my thighs so that I could neither escape nor hook my leg around his neck to throw him off. I made a move to claw his eyes out or something to escape, but he'd pinned my wrists beside my head before I even had the chance.

"Well, you're getting better, un." Deidara amended, panting and sweating profusely from the dragged out fight. It was a compliment. When we first started, he wouldn't have broken a sweat to take me down.

I was just as spent.

_**Nice choice of words there, girl.**_

_Shut up._

"I still didn't beat you." I pouted.

We'd been having fights like this all week. It was mostly Deidara who fought me. Hidan was too wild to control himself and would probably seriously injure me by accident… or on purpose if he was feeling particularly Jashinist. Kisame was too wickedly strong for me to even compare myself to, so practice fighting on him wasn't even an option. Itachi was busy writing his college essays before any other member of the senior class could give it a thought. Tobi couldn't find it in him to fight a girl, whether it was a real fight or not. Sometimes I'd fight with Zetsu or Sasori, but mostly I battled Deidara. He was the best at not beating the crap out of me or getting distracted by what Sasori referred to as my 'damn sexy face, coated lightly in sweat, contorted with fiery passion.'

"Yeah, well, I doubt Kabuto's a better fighter than me, so a little more practice and I'm sure you could take him any day, un." Deidara said kindly.

I smiled at the praise. After the whole 'I got completely high' incident, the guys had decided Kabuto was a serious threat. He could resort to violence at any time, as Orochimaru had once done. So, just like we'd done last spring, when it had been invasion-of-the-evil-science-teacher, the guys were trying to train me to be a better fighter. Jiraiya, the school janitor, had no problem with letting us use the wrestling room after hours. In return, we let him make all the perverted comments about it he could come up with.

"You can get off of her now." Sasori called, glaring at the two of us. He was sitting on one of the rolled up wrestling mats against the wall, nursing the bruise I'd left on his stomach when he'd frozen earlier in the middle of our fight when I licked my lips. I'd been about to deliver a punch when it happened, and he'd just dropped his guard entirely, staring at my lips, suddenly lost in his own little fantasy world. Even though it was his own goddamn fault, I still felt bad. He had dismissed my apology by saying "my libido is no match for your kung fu."

Some color almost reached Deidara's cheeks as he glared at Sasori, embarrassed, before rolling off of me. Something told me that he might have forgotten Sasori was there and gotten carried away in the hopes something would happen between us. That "something" I suspected was called wishful thinking and always has an eighty percent chance of being wrong. But a girl can _dream_, can't she?

"Shut up, un." Deidara mumbled to Sasori, standing up before offering me his hand.

I took it, and he pulled me easily to my feet.

Deidara looked at me, mildly surprised. "Did you lose weight, un?"

I looked down at myself. I'd never been fat, but I'd always been soft. My hips looked a bit sharper, wrapped in the band of my shorts. I turned to look at my back. My thighs seemed smaller, or so my wishful thinking was telling me again. I shrugged. "Maybe," I told him.

"If you lose weight, you'll lose your tits." Sasori chimed in.

I glared at him over Deidara's shoulder but he wasn't looking at me as he whistled innocently. "Thanks so much for your input," I said sarcastically.

"You're welcome," He waved at me, smiling with mock sincerity.

I rolled my eyes. "Jerk," I muttered under my breath.

Deidara smirked. "Are you hungry, un?" He asked. Whenever I got annoyed instead of embarrassed by Sasori, it meant I was hungry, tired, or upset. Normally, I was just hungry.

I nodded, pouting. I hate being so easy to read. I thought it was sweet Deidara knew me so well, but a guy knowing me _that_ well should have meant more than it does. As it stood, it only meant we were friends. _Just _friends. At this point, even if we were to date, the only thing he'd get from me that he doesn't already was a smidgen of more affection and sexual favors. Even so, I longed for the security the title of girlfriend would bestow upon me if someone deemed me worth of being his. But no one did. I was just Sakura: lone girl, pink haired, intensely random, Akatsuki member.

I turned on Sasori. "Sasori, can we go to Albertsons?" I stuck out my lower lip and widened my eyes before batting my lashes.

I could almost hear him swallow, even from all the way across the room. "Of course." He got up, only wincing once as his skin stretched across the bruise I'd given him.

I was once again bowled over by guilt as I rushed to him, fretful and waving my hands hopelessly. "Ah, does it hurt? I'm _so_ sorry." I apologized, sincere. I hadn't meant to punch him that hard, especially when he was off guard. He wasn't as quick as Deidara, but he had brute force and good instincts, so he'd blocked every one of my previous attacks. I hadn't actually expected to hit him…

Sasori adopted the look of a tragic hero as he waved me away gentlemanly and said, in a long-suffering voice "I'll be fine, I'll be fine. No need to worry over me. I'm just dying slowly here."

I glared at him. If he had time to be pulling jokes, I was obviously wasting my breath by being worried. Then a wicked idea occurred to me, and I adopted a look of concern again, only, this time, it was entirely fake. "No, don't give me that, you're obviously suffering. I can't believe I asked you to drive in that condition. Deidara and I can just go to Albertsons alone. You take care of yourself. Rest here. Good luck. Feel better. Bye."

And with that I was pushing Deidara out the door as I stuck out my tongue over my shoulder at Sasori. "Aw, come on!" He called. "That's not fair! I'll be fine, just kiss it better for me, alright?"

I closed the door to the wrestling room on him, sniggering.

Deidara smirked at me again. "Someone's vindictive tonight, un."

I smiled at him. "He had it coming. Besides, it's been ages since we've had some time alone, bestie."

"Well than, shall we, un?" He asked formally, throwing out his chest and proffering his arm mockingly.

I giggled. "Oh my, sir. We shall." And I laughed loudly as I took his arm, wrenched it away from him and took his hand instead, leading him toward the exit. "You've got your keys, right?"

"Always, un." He said. "Can't trust Tobi in the same room with somebody else's keys; he might get curious, un."

I could definitely picture Tobi taking a joy ride and laughed. Tobi was a danger to his car and every car around him. The Tobi Mobile could withstand a good deal of punishment, but if he'd ever had a normal car, he'd have totaled it in the first week of ownership. I hadn't forgotten what he'd done to that innocent stop sign the first time I got into the monster truck with him.

Outside, it was chilly, but not too bad. My body was slick with sweat from fighting and I was wearing only a tank top and shorts, but my body hummed in joy from Deidara's presence. His bike was close by and he climbed on first. I got on behind him. The seat was cold too, but Deidara's back was warm and I eagerly wrapped my arms around his waist and scooted forward, placing my feet on the pegs and pressing my cheek between his shoulder blades which were covered only by a thin green t-shirt and a light dusting of his blonde hair.

I thought of my own hair, tied back in a pony tail which trailed past my butt at this point. I hadn't had it cut since before my parents had died. I really needed to have it trimmed, at least until I couldn't sit on it anymore. There was just too much to brush in the morning.

Deidara twisted his keys in the ignition and the Screamin' Eagle we were astride growled to life. Deidara's feet pushed lightly against the pavement as we backed up; once we were free from the rows of cars he'd parked between, we were off.

At Albertsons, we grabbed everything that struck our fancy. The overpriced pomegranate juice, the last peaches of the dying summer season, a sleeve of Oreo cookies, a six pack of Fresca, and a half gallon of ice cream. They all ended up in plastic bags hung over the handlebars of the bike as we went back to school.

Once there, we parked, grabbed our spoils, and headed back to our dorm rooms. Sasori was there, along with Kisame, Tobi, and Hidan. Zetsu was taking a shower and Itachi was getting a textbook from the library.

As we ate we tried mixing Fresca with pumpkin wine to disastrous results. Tobi was forced to rush into the bathroom, even though Zetsu was showering in there, to vomit in the toilet. Zetsu wasn't pleased. He looked grumpy when he exited the bathroom. When Tobi had flushed the toilet to get rid of the vomit, the water had gone very cold. Zetsu, like most people, does not like cold showers.

I shoved an oreo at him, his favorite type of cookie, and stole the bathroom. I was sweaty. A shower was needed. I stripped, throwing my clothes onto the toilet seat and tucking my underwear under my shirt so they couldn't be seen even if I was the only one in the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror.

Deidara was right. I'd lost weight. Not a sickly amount, but now I was skinny instead of slender. I was more toned too, but not a bad amount. My arms looked infinitely better for it. My green eyes were getting darker because the season was changing. My hair was too long. After everything I'd been through since high school started, including my parents dying, the Orochimaru thing, Pein, threatening a soufflé, winning a lottery, the Kabuto thing and everything else, I felt like changing it. All this time my hair had just been growing and I've just been going through the motions, moving forward, guided by the best friends I've ever had. I wanted to go back and do it all over, without the scary parts but with all the gooey parts.

I stuck my tongue out at my reflection and examined the piercing Pein had put there weeks ago. Carefully, I pulled it out and set it on the sink counter. The belly button piercing followed after it shortly. I looked at my hair, which wasn't hard because it was everywhere. I took it out of its pony tail could almost feel it tickle the backs of my knees, the feather light touch like spiders. I found the hair scissors in the girl cabinet, next to the tampons, razors, and other girly things the guys steered clear of–they preferred to keep all their bathroom things separate, in a different cabinet, and pretend like mine didn't exist.

I combed out my hair and then cut it off until it hung evenly, about halfway down my back. The trashcan was filled to the brim with pink hair. I felt much lighter without it. Maybe it was just metaphysical weight. I don't know. I don't care. There's a hot shower waiting for me.

-Two Hours (What? I like long showers! Get over it!) Later-

So, uh, yeah, here I am, standing in the middle of the bathroom in a towel, sopping wet, cursing myself for forgetting to bring in a change of clothes. I cracked the door open about two inches to ask someone to bring me my pajamas, but the dorm room was dark and filled with the sound of deep, peaceful breathing. Fuck it, they were all asleep.

I gathered my courage, slipped out of the bathroom, and tiptoed across the room in just my towel towards the closet to get my clothes.

"Sakura?" Itachi asked sleepily as I passed his bed. Damn him for being a light sleeper! He rubbed his eyes tiredly, and in the dim light, he looked younger. Yet, still sexy.

I froze and stared at him guiltily. Then, inspiration struck. Cliché, overused, stupid inspiration. "Shh. You're sleeping. This is a dream." Or, at least, that's what I wanted to say but it was so overused in everything ever that I couldn't bring myself to do it. So instead, I let unique inspiration strike me instead. "Yes, I am naked and defenseless, standing at the end of your bed in the dark wrapped in this enticing towel, but you're just going to have to control your urges to have your way with me, Itachi, because Hidan gave me an STD and I don't want you to catch it."

Itachi stared at me for a minute more. Then he grumbled "lame" and lay back down in bed.

_**Good to know he's so worried about our STD.**_ Inner Sakura growled sarcastically. _**He could have shown SOME concern at least. Get a little possessive. Be a bit surprised.**_

_But we don't HAVE and STD. _I reminded her.

…_**oh yeah.**_

I wondered briefly when Itachi had returned from the library but I figured it had been sometime during my two hour shower. I continued my tip toeing all the way to the closet and swung the door open.

Inside was Tobi, huddled in the corner, sleeping.

He looked very cute with his hair rumpled, his mouth hanging open. I dropped to my knees in front of him since I couldn't squat due to my complete lack of pants. "Tobi?" I whispered, gently shaking him awake.

"Hmm?" He hummed, stirring groggily.

"Tobi, it's me. Why are you in the closet?" I asked him.

Tobi's eye opened and he was finally able to focus on me a bit. "We were playing hide and seek." Then something occurred to him. "They forgot about me." He whined, sticking out his lower lip an impossible amount, looking like he was about to cry.

"Aw, I'm sorry," I sympathized with him and pulled him into a hug.

Tobi froze as something else occurred to him. "Sakura… are you wearing a towel?"

I let go of him immediately, blushing, and bit my lower lip before smiling nervously at him. "Sort of?"

Tobi cocked his head to the side and then scanned my body with his eye. "You look really pretty with shorter hair."

I smiled. "Thanks, Tobi. Let's get you to bed."

Tobi smiled back sleepily. "Okee-dokee."

I rolled my eyes. He's like a five year old. I took his hand, we stood up together, and I led him over to his bed. He pulled off his shirt to reveal a body that looked nothing like a five year olds. I felt like a pedophile for ogling his sexy body, even if he is technically older than me. Tobi grinned cheekily, cupped my chin, and kissed me on the lips. "Goodnight, Sakura," he whispered before he stepped back, climbed under his covers, and cuddled his stuffed panda.

I was dazed for a minute before I wandered back to the closet to put on clothes. I heard something shift behind me and turned to see Kisame was watching me, smiling cockily, resting his head on his hand.

I glared at him.

Then a voice came from the darkness. "Fuck it, Kisame, now she knows we were watching." Hidan hissed.

"Sorry," Kisame apologized, his eyes never leaving my body.

"You were all awake?" I snapped at them.

They didn't say anything for a while, weighted down by their guilt.

"When did yours and Tobi's goodnight kisses get so intimate?" Sasori finally asked irritably.

I blushed and glared even more. "Oh, _he_ kissed _me_!"

"Sakura seduced me!" Tobi whined from his bed, throwing his covers over his head.

I was going to kill him. He was my cute, little, innocent pirate and I was going to kill him for that comment. If they didn't want me prancing around in a towel, they shouldn't have fallen asleep before getting me clothes.

"Seducing pirates isn't nice, Sakura." Zetsu contributed.

I glared and as I huffed, my towel slipped down a little more.

"Is this my preview for Homecoming night?" Hidan asked before I could fix the towel.

I sneered at him. "I was banned from Homecoming when we got caught drunk in the pool." I finally told him. I'm glad I'd saved telling him until just that moment. He looked devastated.

"What the fuck?" Hidan demanded. He was beyond disappointed.

Deidara snorted.

I smirked, grabbed my clothes from the closet, and marched back into the bathroom to dress before stomping out and settling into bed, ignoring their comments and stares. However, walking around naked with wet hair in the middle of the night had its consequences, and when I woke up I was sick.

-I'm an idiot-

Deidara had the Chococat thermometer stuffed under my tongue, while Hidan and Sasori were tearing the closet apart to look for more blankets to cover me with. Itachi handed me a glass of water and two Tylenol. I took them as soon as Deidara took the thermometer out of my mouth. As I swallowed the pills, Deidara clicked his tongue. "Ninety-nine degrees. Not so bad. If you rest today, you should be just fine."

I smiled at him gratefully. "Thanks."

Zetsu placed my phone on the nightstand next to my bed in case I needed one of them because they still had classes even if I was taking the day off. Kisame deposited Bonbon onto my bed so I'd have company and the kitten purred, turned around three times, and curled into a ball beside me. Tobi kissed my temple and gave me his panda plush toy for comfort and told me there were some scented bath salts in the bathroom if I wanted to get my therapeutic on.

I threatened Itachi to take good notes for me before they left and as soon as they were gone, I cuddled the panda under the covers, said goodnight to Bonbon, and fell back asleep, feeling very warm and lethargic.

I awoke about an hour later to the sound of Bonbon hissing. I told her to shut up, but she just kept carrying on so I decided to open my eyes. She was glaring at the door to our dorm, where the knob was wiggling, as if someone on the other side were trying to pick the lock.

I sat up to stare at the door. The boys were supposed to be in math class right now, so it couldn't be them. Something in the door clicked and it creaked open just a few inches. A cold chill went through me. Something wasn't right. What if it was Kabuto?

However, the man who stepped through the door wasn't Kabuto. This man had long, lank black hair and alabaster skin. His long fingers curled around the door as he pushed it open. As soon as his head was in the door, his golden eyes closed in on me and I could almost swear they dilated when they landed. No, this was not Kabuto. This was much, much worse. "Hmm," Orochimaru hummed, considering me. "I hadn't expected to see you here, Sakura."

-End Chapter-

_A/N: So, I'm freakishly pleased with this chapter. Hope you liked it. Please, please, please review. Also, go stalk my beta._

_**B/N: Okay, chacha. This is it. The first chapter I've ever betaed! (I'm feeling the excitement. Are you?) so let me just say that this chapter was very, very good. Quality writing. In case you were wondering, the first half needed more editing than the 2**__**nd**__** half. Though that could be attributed to my laziness. This was long! But it was also very fun and I would be supremely honored to continue beta-ing your story. I tried not to change too much, it's just little stuff that I hope makes it a little easier to read. So here you go. And can I just say I love your disclaimer? And the beta note, too! Now they're all going to stalk me…sigh. At least I'm used to it from you. **_

_**Death and Kisses,**_

_**RoRo**_


	47. Cornered

_A/N: Sorry guys. I wanted this out for Christmas, but I got sick (throw in a couple ten hour work shifts and we've got ourselves a party). This only serves to perpetuate my hypothesis that Scrumdidileeumptious has psychic powers. Plus, a creepy guy walked into my room last night. Luckily, it wasn't Orochimaru. Just my brother. Still creepy, though._

_Disclaimer: I own zebras. Those of you wishing to purchase one should leave a review._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 47**

**Cornered**

I'd been having a wonderful dream in which we were all furries. Jacob Black and Kisame were best friends because Jacob Black is Shark Boy and Kisame is Shark Man.

Then Bonbon hissed. The blankets were heavy and it felt like they were confining me to the bed. "Shut up," I muttered to Bonbon and fell back asleep. Three seconds later, she was hissing again. The only time I'd ever heard her hiss was at me was when I'd purchased her some stereotypical cat toys. Bonbon hates cat toys. She always gives me a look that says she can't be bought with peacock feathers or toy mice laced with catnip.

I cracked an eye open to see what she was carrying on about. She was glaring at the door: the knob was shifting about and the metallic clicks told me that somebody on the other side was picking the lock. I decided that sitting up and greeting my unannounced guest would be appropriate. Better that then whomever it was finding me asleep and undefended, right?

And in sauntered Orochimaru.

…_**Oh shit.**_

"Ditching class?" He asked with some sort of sick satisfaction, shaking his head sadly. "And to think you used to be such a good student…"

_**What the fuck is with the small talk?**_

I snagged my phone from the nightstand, clasped it to my chest as one would a lifeline, and slipped off the bed, my eyes never leaving Orochimaru who stood in the doorway. I dimly was aware of Kabuto slipping in behind him, shutting the door with a soft click. I couldn't make out his expression; his glasses were alight with reflected fluorescence from the ceiling.

I quickly contemplated my options.

Option one: run the fuck away.

The window behind me was tempered glass—a new precaution the school had sprung for—and only opened six inches so that the more emotional students couldn't jump, even if they were being cornered by some creepy pedophile rapist ex-science teacher. Orochimaru was blocking the only other way out.

Orochimaru looked exactly as I remembered him. His hair the same lank jet black, his eyes still slanted and yellow, like he was diseased. He could have crawled straight out of my nightmares for all that had changed. And even after months apart, his very presence could still reduce me to a whimpering child. Though, to my credit, I wasn't actually whimpering. At least, not loudly enough for him to hear…. That had to count for something, right?

Option two: blow his creepy brains out.

There was a gun in Zetsu's bedside drawer. I don't know why he has a gun, but he does. However, it was too far away for me to reach now; closer to Orochimaru than me and on the wrong side of the room. Besides, I wasn't even sure if it was loaded.

I glared at the stupid pansy-ass bitch of asshole… ness. "Get out of here." I whispered. At least I didn't stutter, right? Though I didn't get that whole angry effect I was going for. Nope. I sounded like a stupid pink haired girl, about to die.

Option three: improvise using some of Sasori's random shit.

Sasori's bed was two mattresses away and underneath it laid his bag of mysteries. It was sure to contain something that could get me out of this mess because it always had something helpful when I needed it. But it was too far. Not enough time.

Orochimaru laughed at me like the supreme douche he was. "Kabuto," he said, never looking away from me. "Why don't you give us some alone time?"

Kabuto looked at Orochimaru's back. The shift in his stance made it so the light was no longer on his glasses and I could really see his face. He looked confused and maybe even upset. However, he just turned around, left, and shut the door behind him.

Option four: go pyro on his ass.

Deidara's bed was only one mattress away, the unmade sheets only half covering his forgotten math text book, and if I moved quickly, I could get to his stuff underneath the bed. Unfortunately, everything was locked in a safe to prevent himself from being robbed, like he had been last year by the very same creep that was standing in our dorm now.

Option five: oh, crap I'm panicking…

There was a baseball bat somewhere, and surely some mace and a taser in Itachi's nightstand, but again, it was too far away. The same applied for Hidan, who always had some knives or _something_ violent and Jashinist lying around.

I was royally screwed.

Quite possibly in the literal sense.

I worked off of instinct and hastily gained knowledge. Feet shoulder width apart, just as I had been taught. Arms close to the body. Aim for the center. But damn, I wasn't close enough to punch him. He made a move to get closer to me and I, out of sheer terror and stupidity… I launched Joey at him as hard as I could. Joey hit Orochimaru dead in the face. I should be a pitcher… Yet despite this miniature victory, the first casualty of the war had occurred. Joey was now in several pieces, dead on the floor, and Orochimaru was clutching his face, swearing, momentarily distracted.

There had to be something helpful under my bed, right? I decided to risk it, and dove under the bed like a child hiding from monsters. However, Orochimaru was no Sully from Monster's Inc and there wasn't any miraculous discovery awaiting me under my bed. No taser, no bear mace, no DVD copy of The Office: Season One. Just a little lost sock and an empty beer bottle. I barely managed to grab the neck of the beer bottle before Orochimaru had hold of my ankles and was dragging me back out.

I was exhausted and felt sweaty. My head ached dully and I could hear faint white noise; I had a fevered headache. Still, I thrashed about, managing to flip my body over so I was belly up instead of showing the enemy my back. Lifting my head an increment to see down my body I watched as Orochimaru dragged me farther and farther into the light of the bedroom, out from under the shadows of my bed.

My free hand lurched wildly and grabbed onto the bedpost but not before my head was out from under the bed and I was staring into Orochimaru's grinning, terrifying face. He didn't seem concerned that my outstretched arms were still under the bed, over my head. He couldn't see the beer bottle. Uncaringly, ignoring my jerking and twisting, he sat on my thighs just as Deidara had done the night before, rendering my legs helpless. He was too heavy for me to throw off, no matter how much I struggled.

I was still sick, and I'd used up most of my stamina on terror of the situation and attempts to prevent him from dragging me out from under my bed. Orochimaru seemed equally interested in me as I was in sleep: mildly. I wasn't what I'd been to him last year. I was no longer quarry, merely unfinished business. The bored look in his eye assured me he was the least charming rapist I'd ever encountered. This wasn't even fun for him anymore.

"Why are you even doing this?" I asked him in an angry voice, meeting his gaze. "To what end? For what purpose?"

Amusement glinted in his eyes and I realized my words might have had the opposite effect on him from what I'd intended. "Recreation." He answered, sliding a very shiny and very sharp looking knife from his hip pocket. He still wore black slacks and a black collared shirt. It was almost identical to that day last June: the buzz of seasonal change, the same man, the same feeling of revulsion in the pit of my stomach.

There was only one difference that I was surprised I even noticed yet I felt morbidly pleased by it: Orochimaru had no raging boner like last time. I was sure it had a lot to do with my having stabbed him in the dick with a table leg during our previous encounter. I almost snorted at the justice. Then again, another part of my mind reasoned, the knife more than made up for the threat of an erection.

While I was musing, Orochimaru hadn't missed my amused gaze at his permanently scarred crotch, and he wasn't pleased. "Rest assured," he told me, "there are many ways for me to hurt you that your mind has yet to conceive."

Well, _that_ was not reassuring.

The knife moved toward the exposed, pale flesh of my inner arm, and I panicked. Being stabbed wasn't on my bucket list. I whipped my hand which was holding the beer bottle wildly out from under the bed, and knocked him forcefully over the head with it when his knife was within an inch of my fleshy bicep. Orochimaru went reeling as the bottle broke around him. I'd missed the intended target of his temple, which had the strong potential to kill him, but I'd hit him and that was good enough for me. His body slumped sideways onto the floor beside me.

I sat up cautiously and stared at him, watching as the fresh blood trickled across his hairline. Then, there was a facial twitch and before I knew it, his arm jerked out spastically and lodged the knife half an inch deep in my thigh. I howled in pain. Being stabbed hurts, and the blade sliced through my skin like I was made of gelatin. Now I'd been through my fair share of abuse, including being hit by an ambulance, but this was pain on a whole different plane of existence.

I wasn't blacking out yet, but I was close. Even as I threw my head heavenward to cry out in pain, I saw dark spots blooming across my vision, a deep navy blue around the edges. I longed for the numbness of unconsciousness, but my will to seek out the foreign pain and overcome it outweighed my desire for collapse. I needed to get out. Orochimaru was glaring at me weakly from the floor, but he was on his way out of the conscious world. Sticky locks of his hair were soaked in blood and clung to his forehead. He was paler than I'd ever seen him.

I was sure there was an important vein in my leg somewhere; luckily he'd definitely missed it. I wasn't bleeding all that much, but there was a definite stain around the area on my flannel pajama pants. Orochimaru seemed good and unconscious now, so I began crawling for the door, all the while relying on my arms and my uninjured leg. The other one dragged along behind me, useless, and every jarring movement across the carpet sent a spasm of pain through my body.

As I inched along, I spotted Bonbon, shivering under Zetsu's bed, watching Orochimaru with wide kitty eyes. One of my hands still had half of the broken beer bottle in it. My progress was slow, so I decided to stand up and hobble for it. It made the jarring motion worse and pain more intense. The small stain of red around the wound site turned into a big splotch, but I was moving faster and that made it all well worth it.

I took a break at the last bed, leaning against Zetsu's bedpost, my breathing ragged. I tossed the broken beer bottle aside and tore the knife out of my leg. Ah, that felt much better. I tossed the offending weapon aside.

Immediately after that I heard the floorboards beside me creak with movement. I turned to see the source of the noise and was met with Orochimaru's fist cracking me square in the jaw. As my face lurched in the opposite direction, blood pooled in my mouth and flew out from the force of the punch. I cupped my check, scandalized, and spun back to him to return the favor, but he was waiting for it. He caught the punch, pushed it back carelessly, and then punched me in the stomach.

I doubled over before surrendering and falling to my knees. His foot came up to kick me in the face while I was down. I tumbled back across the ground and slammed into the wall. As I slumped on the floor, bleeding in several places, he grabbed my hair in one hand and lifted me to a standing position before wrapping his hand around my neck.

For the first time, I wished somebody would come and save me. I couldn't do this on my own. Without intervention, I was going to die.

I screamed only once, really loudly, before he had cut off my windpipe with the tightness of his grip. There weren't any pretty inkblots across my vision now but the lights were definitely dimming and everything was going in and out of focus. Orochimaru was saying something. I think he was smiling, I definitely saw a flash of teeth. The hand not strangling me slapped me, but it couldn't bring me back enough to focus on him. I could feel my consciousness slowly creeping into welcoming blackness.

I heard the distant sound of the door opening beside us. I looked out of the corner of my eye through the haze in my vision to see who had joined us. All I could make out was white hair, but the figure was too short to be Hidan, so it was probably Kabuto. He was talking. I wasn't interested in what he had to say. I closed my eyes and waited for the end. Orochimaru's hand moved against my neck, as if somebody was pulling on his hand, trying to make Orochimaru let go. Kabuto, I think it was him at least, was yelling now, but Orochimaru was as unresponsive as I was.

I heard a muted thump-crack kind of noise and Orochimaru's hand stopped moving on my neck. Kabuto had stopped pulling on it. A deeper voice spoke. Somebody new had joined us, and he'd already sent Kabuto running for the hills. There was a sound of fist hitting flesh and Orochimaru's grip loosened. I coughed and sputtered with the newfound air. Another blow and his arm fell away and I was falling into an ocean made of two soft, kind arms and a broad chest.

There was a scuffling sound followed by a deep hum in the man's chest that I could feel rather than hear, as I was so close to him. He yelled something. His shouts were fruitless, though. Even with my eyes closed against the approaching tears, I could tell that Orochimaru had just turned tail and run to save his own ass.

I fisted the fabric of his shirt and let the tears fall. Arms closed around me uncertainly. He was saying something again, much quieter. I may have caught my name but I couldn't tell over the sound of my deafening sobs. "Don't tell," I moaned. "Don't tell anybody about this."

I felt his grip on me slacken due to surprise.

I slid to the floor, on my knees, still gripping his shirt like a lifeline. "It's so embarrassing. Promise me you won't tell anyone." My voice was broken and high and didn't sound at all like me.

My will was outweighing my need to faint.

He knelt down in front of me. Through my tears, I could see the vague, skin colored mass of a hand moving towards me. I flinched away instinctively and the hand fell, rejected and useless. He said something indecipherable again.

"Promise me." I wept. "Promise me you won't tell." My voice was cracking, I could tell, but I couldn't bring myself to care.

I couldn't quite explain why I was so embarrassed. I couldn't bear it. I didn't want it to be real.

Finally, his voice cut thought the din of my heart-wrenching sobs and the pounding blood in my ears. It was vague and faraway: "I promise."

And with that, he enfolded me in his arms and allowed me to cry in earnest, rocking me back in forth until I finally surrendered to the inevitable darkness of unconsciousness. All the while, he whispered in my ear. "Shh, Sakura, it's okay. I'm here now. It's going to be okay, un."

-End Chapter-

_A/N: I know it's short, but it's so thick with action that I thought we all could use a break. Please leave a review!_

_Uber super duper thanks to my beautiful beta, RoRo. She makes all my fight scenes much more coherent! If you feel like stalking her, or pointing out a mistake she missed, feel free to stalk her. Her link is on my page._

_Now, go review! Please?_


	48. Cat Got Your Face?

_A/N: Thanks for all the reviews! Zebras shall arrive as soon as I've cleared your method of payment._

_Disclaimer: Every time you review, a dollar magically appears in my bank account, because fanfiction is totally a profitable business. (S-A-R-C-A-S-M)_

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 48**

**Cat Got Your Face?**

3rd Person POV

Deidara rocked the girl in his arms back and forth, whispering comfort in her ear as he felt panic course through his veins. He wondered what in the world he was going to do. He'd promised not to tell anybody, but how was he supposed to explain away all her injuries? On top of that, she was bleeding. A lot. Blood trickled out of the corner of her mouth, from a cut on her cheek where a ring Orochimaru had been wearing cut her, but mostly from the stab wound in her leg. It seemed that the harder she sobbed, the more blood came gushing out.

There was blood everywhere. It was all over the rug; a puddle of it glistened by her bed where she'd been originally skewered, and a trail of it led to the door. Now a new puddle forming where they sat, huddled, neither knowing what was supposed to come next. He couldn't contemplate explaining the blood away to the guys by saying 'Sakura was having some… er… girl problems, un.' As a man, he just couldn't do it. Plus, even that excuse didn't explain the glass littering the floor. Everything from fine dust to large chunks to the unbroken half of the beer bottle lying a few feet away glistened on the carpet.

Things got worse when he felt her go limp in his arms, completely and totally unconscious.

Deidara swore. "Shit, Sakura. Don't do this to me, un." He pleaded with her, but she remained unresponsive in every way.

Grunting with both effort and frustration, he stood up and placed her body gently on the closest bed, which happened to belong to Zetsu, and reached under Sasori's bed for the redhead's bag. He poked expertly around inside until he found the inner pocket; inside that were Sasori's spare keys. He couldn't very well drive Sakura to the hospital on his Harley, now, could he? He could imagine her limp body falling off on the highway and run over by a sixteen wheeler. Ugh, he needed to stop thinking such terrible thoughts. Wasn't Sakura currently beat up enough without entertaining wild delusions in which she sustained further injury?

He pocketed the keys, didn't bother to close and replace Sasori's bag, and scooped Sakura into his arms with a concentrated effort not to stagger under the dead weight. She was light and getting lighter by the second as more blood leaked out, but he was panicking and couldn't seem to find any of his previously treasured strength.

However, despite the hair, Deidara was a man. A big, strong man. So he sucked it up and carried Sakura out of the room, down the stairs, out of the building to the senior parking lot, and into Sasori's car, strapping her limp body into the passenger's seat. Feeling rather proud of himself under a few layers of fear and worry over Sakura, he got into the driver's seat and drove like a bat out of hell to the hospital.

- Stop signs? Red lights? Deidara prefers to think of those things as guidelines more than actual _rules_. -

Sakura's POV

So, have you ever slept over at a friend's house and been woken up only a couple hours after falling asleep to the sound of their unfamiliar alarm clock? It's such a foreign sound, so far removed from your fatigue that you don't realize at first that you're supposed to get up. Because that's the feeling I have right now.

Or at least it _sounded_ like an alarm clock at first. Now that I'm listening harder, however, it is the clear and recognizable sound of my heartbeat's electronic equivalent. It reminded me of the time I'd been hit by the ambulance. If I opened my eyes, which I didn't quite have the strength to do yet, my heart's progress would be clearly displayed by a green line on a black screen just behind me next to numbers I could never quite make sense of.

As consciousness washed over me like waves at low tide, I felt the familiar pull of a paper gown and the itchiness of a wool blanket over my arm. I never like to have my arms contained by blankets. The crinkle of a paper covered pillow sounded beneath my head when I shifted slightly with the intention to stretch, and I could feel tape attaching a swab of gauze to my cheek. The bandage pulled on the paper pillow slightly, as if they had been joined in the night and I was finally forcing them to part.

I ignored it, not quite able to process anything yet, and began to stretch, starting with my toes, cocooned and sweaty in the depths of the blanket. Then I began to wiggle the stiffness out of my legs and arms. As I reached over my head and felt a strong pain in my neck and thigh from the movement, my back arched up off the vinyl mattress and several ribs screamed in protest by signaling white-hot pain and channeling it straight to my brain.

And in that white-bright flash of excruciating, debilitating, completely unexpected agony, I remembered the whole ordeal as one would a nightmare.

My body, still in mid stretch, fell back to the mattress with a dull thud, causing more pain. I could hear rather than feel the air leaving my lungs in abject shock and horror. Beyond that, I felt awe and gratitude towards Deidara. But still, horror was predominant.

Finally I was made aware of the weight on my waist–earlier mistaken for the familiar feeling of a rolled up waistband on a pair of sweats–when it tugged on me, demanding my attention, offering warmth and comfort. My eyes, which had previously been forced open by the memory, rolled to the side and set their gaze upon the boy who had saved my pathetic ass as he lay beside me.

Deidara looked as tired as I felt, and that was really saying something. His blue eyes were sunken with insomnia and it didn't take a genius to figure that the origin of his exhaustion stemmed from his worry over me while I lay here, in what was no doubt a hospital bed, comatose for god knows how many hours.

There was no playful, comforting smirk, or customary good morning. Instead he watched my expression in a reversal of our roles–normally I stared at him. We were at a standstill for many minutes, just looking intently at each other until, finally, he made the first move. The hand that had lain on my waist lifted from its resting place and floated upwards, grazing my body with limp fingertips, brushing across my stomach, over my breast and down my collarbone with a feather light touch before he laid his palm, which was cold and much too big, gently upon my cheek with enough pressure to assure himself that I was, in fact, solid.

His blue eyes were tortured and shifting endlessly as they watched my face with caution, silently screaming apologies, begging forgiveness, as if the entire thing were his fault. As if he should have done more, or come to my side sooner. As if he couldn't believe I was there, staring back at him, and not in several bloody pieces on the floor of our dorm room.

I wanted to reach across the bed and hug him; he was only a few inches away. I tried, but my body didn't want to move and Deidara was too quick. He had rolled out of the bed and walked out the door before I could even begin to persuade my body to obey my brain and just hug the boy already.

Deidara returned, moments later, with a doctor… or nurse, I don't know. She took the clipboard from the foot of my bed, scanned the machines surrounding me, scribbled some things down, pushed some buttons, poked the bag supplying my morphine drip, and gave Deidara a very chilling look. Finally, her disapproving eyes washed over me.

"You're lucky your boyfriend brought you in when he did." She said tartly. "That stab wound missed the femoral artery, but when combined with your other injuries, you could have been in serious trouble."

With another frosty look at Deidara, she ignored my stupefied expression, replaced the clipboard, and swept from the room more like the queen of England than a hospital employee.

"What's her deal?" I asked. My voice sounded cracked and watery under the influence of pain killers and the aftermath of screaming so much back in the dorm room.

Deidara scoffed, glaring at where the woman had just disappeared from sight. "She thinks I did this to you, un."

"Oh," I said before I caught the full meaning. "Oh! So when she called you my 'boyfriend,' she meant my worthless layabout boyfriend that beats me?"

Deidara gave me a serious look. "I can't believe you're joking about this already, un." He shook his head as he moved to sit down in the chair against the wall.

I glared at him and patted the mattress I was laying on.

He froze and raised his right eyebrow (because he's anti-conformist like that).

I hit the mattress harder this time.

He shook his head no.

I beckoned him with my index finger, wiggling my eyebrows suggestively.

Deidara had to turn away so he could laugh into his hand silently.

Ego damaged, I turned away from him and faced to the opposite wall, arms crossed, lower lip protruding obscenely from my mouth as I pouted.

A few moments later, I felt the mattress dip behind me and I felt a hand pet my hair. I lifted my leg and shoved him in the thigh with my foot, refusing to look at him. "Go away, Deidara." I grumbled. "I don't want you anymore."

A voice chuckled (much smoother than Deidara's erratic guffaws of laughter). "What if I'm not Deidara, then?" The voice asked.

The mischievous lilt in his otherwise amused voice was a dead giveaway. Sure enough, when I looked over my shoulder, it was Itachi. "Then you can stay." I answered, taking his arm and guiding it around my shoulders as he lay down beside me and I flipped over so I could face him. Deidara sat forgotten, pouting in the corner. "How'd you find us?"

The amusement vanished from Itachi's face, leaving a blank slate. "We went to find Deidara during lunch period after he didn't return from getting his math book. When we saw the dorm room, we panicked and assumed you were at the hospital. Zetsu and Kisame are searching the other rooms, and the others are at other hospitals looking for you. Well, they're searching for you and for Sasori's car, which we spotted in the parking lot outside."

"Sasori's car is here?" I asked, confused.

Itachi's gaze softened. "I assume the grand theft auto might have been Deidara's idea. So you were unconscious on the way here, then? Or did you arrive by ambulance only to be followed by Deidara who suddenly didn't feel like riding his motorcycle?"

I bit my lip. "I guess I was unconscious." I admitted. I didn't really want him to know the details of the whole ordeal…

Yet after he'd seen the dorm room, how could I get out of giving him the story?

Itachi's gaze fixated on mine. Red on green. We're Christmas-y. Yuck.

"I fell." I blurted out the lie so naturally it almost seemed like truth. "In my sleep, I rolled out of bed and fell on the glass beer bottle on the floor. I was on the way to the bathroom to inspect the damage to my leg when I fell again because of the pain in my thigh, and I cracked my head on Zetsu's bedpost and accidentally broke Joey in the process." I explained, offering up my bandaged cheek as evidence of my fake fall. So far, that explained the blood, the bottle, the phone, and my face, but I was missing the bit of evidence that explained away the finger-shaped bruises on my neck. I was certain they were there, as Itachi had taken to tracing them absently with his own feather-light touch as I told him my lies.

"And these?" He muttered, looking only at them now, his red eyes boring holes in my neck and in my soul.

I swallowed, and I felt my throat move against his hand. "As I rounded the corner, on my way to the office to use their phone, I accidentally stumbled into… Gaara." The name just rose to my lips as if I'd summoned it from the depths of my subconscious. He could certainly be considered a threat without raising the warning bells Orochimaru and Kabuto would set off in Itachi's head. "He was taken by surprise and grabbed me around the neck. That's when Deidara arrived, and I was so shocked by the whole ordeal that I fainted. And here we are." I finished up, trying to shrug nonchalantly, but that's a hard thing to do when you're lying on your side.

Itachi breathed deeply though his nose, still stroking the bruises as if they might bring the truth to the surface. His eyes finally rose and met mine again. I didn't care how Christmas themed it was; I could look at those eyes all damn day. "So that's the story you're going to stick with? Throwing Gaara under the bus instead of just admitting you were attacked by a crazed pedophile and his midget sidekick?"

I pursed my lips, hating to be caught. "You just had to be a mind reader, didn't you?"

Itachi didn't answer. I looked away from his eyes and turned over so I could face away from him. "We have to tell somebody, Sakura. He should be arrested for what he's done." Itachi's voice was gentler now, less edgy and accusatory, and more coaxing.

I curled in on myself. I didn't even want to think about it anymore.

"Leave her alone, Itachi, un." Deidara said and I could almost picture him crossing his arms and giving Itachi his no-nonsense face. "She's had a long day; let her rest, un."

The bed shifted again, and the sudden coldness and sound of soft footsteps pacing to the chairs lining the wall told me that Itachi had gone. I wanted and needed for someone to lie beside me and hold me, but I couldn't bring myself to call him back to me.

I didn't want to need him anymore.

I didn't want to want anybody anymore.

I only wished that something would come along and scoop out my insides. To hollow me out so I couldn't feel the pain and agonizing longing anymore, nor the feeling of Orochimaru's fingers touching me, or Itachi's brilliant eyes watching my back, or the heavy comfort and painful distance of Deidara as he held me and rocked me back and forth, all the while whispering beautiful lies in my ear until the tears stopped and the sweet release of unconsciousness came.

I wished they weren't so nice to me, these friends of mine, because if they'd been cruel, the knot in my stomach might have been much simpler to untangle.

I drifted off to sleep again, dreaming of the corrupting snake from the Garden of Eden luring me to destruction.

-…-

When I woke up again, I could see a digital clock outside of my room reading 4:38 and as the windows were dark, I guess that meant am. I'd been moved from my single room in the ICU to a double room in the pain management ward, and I wasn't alone. Sasori and Deidara were gone, but their voices, arguing over a car, could be heard from the hallway. In my bed was Tobi's stuffed panda. Tobi himself was leaning so far over in a chair beside my bed that he'd fallen asleep on the edge of my mattress. Kisame was stretched across six plastic chairs in front of the large window, snoring like a chainsaw. Itachi was sitting at the foot of my bed with Zetsu, who was flicking through channels on the television restlessly. Beneath the TV, surprising the hell out of me, was Pein, slouched in yet another plastic chair, head hanging backwards, with his mouth slightly agape. He was fast asleep. And coming through the doors carrying trays of food and bickering the whole time were Hidan and Kakuzu.

"We should have just got her the freaking pudding," Kakuzu was complaining. "Much cheaper."

"She fucking like pancakes, asshole, so we're getting her some goddamn pancakes." Hidan sneered. In his hands atop a red tray was indeed a foot tall stack of pancakes.

Suddenly I was aware of how hungry I was.

"Why the fuck do I have to be here anyway? All she did was fall down. She does that a lot, so why's it such a big deal?" Kakuzu was very sulky.

Hidan didn't feel like taking his shit today. "Suck it up, dickwad. She's hurt. And nobody fucking asked for you to come. We just sent out a mass text for anybody who'd seen her, and you and Pein just had to feel fucking compelled to come. Why don't you bastards just go the fuck home already?"

"I still say pudding would have been better." Kakuzu wasn't backing down on the economic advantage of buying pudding versus pancakes.

Hidan's cheek twitched only twice before he really snapped. "I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHE FUCKING LIKES THE GODAMN PANCAKES!"

"Stop shouting, you brats," Pein muttered sleepily, not even opening his eyes. "You're going to wake me up, and then I'll have to kill you."

Kakuzu muttered darkly about the ridiculous inflation rates at this 'stupid shitty hospital.' And then he continued to bemoan his bad luck in having to come all this way just for me. "What'd she ever do for me? I drove her to Mexico. And what's she done? Cheated me out of 233 million dollars, that's what. Stupid, pink-haired bitch."

"My, my, somebody's bitter today." I scolded Kakuzu.

Kakuzu glared fiercely, just as gothic and weirdly beautiful as I remembered him, with a personality even more volatile than I recalled. Then again, his grumpiness could probably be attributed to Hidan.

"Sit the fuck up and make room, Sakura, I brought us some food," Hidan said, forcing me to scoot over as he joined me on the already cramped hospital bed.

"What do you mean, _us_?" I asked bitterly. "You didn't even bring enough for me." I huffed, pulling the tray out of his hands and digging into the stack of pancakes in such a way that I'm sure I could be compared to a caveman.

Several minutes later, I shoved the empty plate back in his face. "Get more food," I growled. Like most people, I'm very grumpy when hungry.

"Wow, Sakura, you sure can eat," Tobi said, looking at me in awe. I guess the sound of my massacring innocent pancakes woke him up.

Kisame was still asleep and Itachi and Zetsu weren't interested in anything but the news. Pein was still "asleep" as well, but I had a feeling he was prolonging "waking up" so he didn't have to talk to me. He obviously wasn't breathing deeply and evenly, but I couldn't blame him. The last time I'd seen him, it had been… kinda awkward. Considering I'd kicked him in the shin before storming out of his store.

I kind of wished he'd just go home. I wasn't in the mood.

Kakuzu handed over the tray of pancakes he brought in earlier and I began to devour them, ignoring Tobi's awed stare completely and focusing now on the news, which wasn't loud enough for me to really hear.

"Excuse me?" The younger girl in the only other bed in the room called. She was quite alone and looked to be about 12 years old. "Can you turn that up?"

Itachi glanced over at her before turning the volume up, just in time for us to catch the five-day forecast predicted by the ugliest weatherman known to man. His name, according to the bottom of the screen, was Pablo Storm.

After he finished the report, the camera refocused on the anchorman who kept smiling his whitened teeth smile. "Thanks, Pablo." At the sound of Pablo, Kisame jerked awake. "In other news," here he paused for dramatic effect and changed his voice to a deeper octave, facing a different camera that zoomed in on his face. "When cats… _attack_."

"What?" Sasori and Deidara asked, poking their heads back in the room. That wasn't what they'd been expecting to hear. Apparently, that was supposed to be more dramatic than it actually was. However, the anchorman just plowed right on.

"Our continued coverage of this breaking story. Early this afternoon, two men crashed their large white van on the 405 into the barrier. The crash was not too bad and the men should get away only with a few bumps and bruises, but people at the scene described their faces as _extremely mutilated. _Police refuse to report on their names, but it has now been revealed that the reports of mutilation are true. Apparently, the crash was not due to alcohol or driving error, but can be blamed on a cat that stowed away in the backseat of the van and attacked the two men while they were driving.

"The victims professed to not know the cat, but one of them described it as a furry black ball of evil to a police officer before being rushed to a local hospital via ambulance. Nobody has seen hide nor hair of the mysterious cat since, but it makes one wonder: are they really safe house pets?"

"Fascinating story, Tom," the anchorwoman said. "Did you know that I have a cat?"

"No, that's intriguing, Diane." Tom said with heavy sarcasm. "And did your cat ever attack you while you were driving, causing you to be in a fatal accident?"

"No…" Diane said.

"Such a shame," Tom said, shaking his head.

I looked over at Kisame, who was looking at me. "You don't think…?" I began.

"Why would Bonbon maul two anonymous men?" He asked.

Something told me Bonbon hadn't mauled two anonymous men. Something told me she had mauled two evil pedophilic bastards. Something told me that what I had mistaken earlier for cowering under Zetsu's bed might actually have been barely contained rage. Had that cat really stalked Kabuto and Orochimaru, snuck into Kabuto's creeper van, and, once they were on the highway, attacked them?

Deidara began laughing loudly. "Oh, that is some sick karma, un!"

-End Chapter-

_A/N: So, was it reallllllly Bonbon?_

_Domo Arigato RoRo Robato for the beta. Luves you._

_Please review!_


	49. Bonbon's Wrath

_A/N: Last update before midterms. Thanks to __Ryu-chan the Koorime__ for being the only one to point out that I stole the newscasters from Family Guy._

_Thanks to RoRo for editing. Let's count shoulders!_

_Disclaimer: Should I take these things seriously? They seem pretty superfluous._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 49**

**Bonbon's Wrath**

-Bonbon's P.O.V.-

I'm a cat. I'm a kitty cat cat. And I do not dance.

I was born in a Pet Co in a large mall in northern California. When I was eight weeks old, I was put up for sale at a special discount because the store owner hated me. His name was Pablo and he was superstitious; terrified by my sleek, black coat. With my siblings, who were also black, I waited to be purchased.

My siblings were sold separately to assorted occult worshippers who loved that fact that we were a litter of pure black kittens until, finally, I was the only one left. I curled up in my cage for the night and wished that someone would buy me in the morning. I didn't want to spend even one more day with Pablo.

Pablo was an absolute freak. As he filled my food bowl, he kept glaring at me, clearly afraid I would attack him. I could smell his fear (and his stale body odor). It was starting to get seriously annoying. I hoped I'd be out of this accursed place soon.

The next day, I watched a fourth grade girl and her parents buy the tabby cat next door for twice the price I was listed at. The little girl had been considering me earlier, but her dad had insisted that I was the runt of my litter, and that I was bad luck, and, look, sweetie, isn't this cat much more playful looking? _I am not the runt of my litter!_

I glared at her dad as his daughter cradled her new pet. She gave me one last sympathetic glace before she skipped off with her parents. Another happy family completed, and I was still here. _This is so cliché, _I thought, as I sat thinking about all the lonely, unwanted kittens in the world that have had life changing experiences happen to them. However, it seemed my life would be spent here, in a window display, watching the world as I knew it go by, while I was never spared a glance. It was nauseating. I'd never be the Oliver in _Oliver and Company._

Just then, as I was contemplating my depressing lack of a future, Pablo opened my cage door to refill my water. I was immediately accosted with his horrendous stench, a peculiar mixture of fear and old-man-who-hasn't-bathed-in-weeks. Without missing a beat I turned on him, unsheathed my claws, and smacked him across the face. Crying out in rage and surprise, he slammed my cage shut only to return moments later and to tape a "Free to Good Home" sign on my window for the public to see. Scarcely a minute later, a black haired boy wearing an eye patch and a goofy grin pressed his nose to the glass and gazed upon me with childlike joy.

I flinched away and backed up to the farthest recesses of my cage. What the hell was this? He was older than the children that normally came to look at the cats, but younger than the parents. Was this what they called a… 'teenager'?

"I'm Tobi, little kitty, and I'm a pirate!" He yelled through the glass at me, his breath fogging my window. "And I am gonna _love_ you!" He amended. My first impression of Tobi was, admittedly, that somebody must have given this child experimental growth hormones.

Five minutes later he had rescued me from Pablo's dungeon, dubbed me Bonbon, and walked out of the store. I was small enough to fit in his hand, so he deposited me into the cozy pocket of his acid-washed jeans. He took me to the mall that I had never before explored to meet his friends.  
When we arrived, there were people everywhere. Many of them were smelly. Very few were as attractive as the cute, overgrown five-year-old who had saved me. What was his name again? Oh, yeah. Tobi.

He stopped abruptly just inside the threshold of Sanrio to pull a mechanical box out of his pocket. He looked at it and read something that was on the box's window. "Huh? Pein's back already?" He said aloud, pocketing the box again, turning on his heel, and walking in a new direction.

We arrived at a scene with more humans. One of them was really much cuter than Tobi. He had black hair, like me, and red eyes, the only color I could differentiate, since I'm color blind. I liked this. After Tobi introduced me, I decided to introduce myself to the hunky, handsome human. So I pranced my fine self on over to him, allowed him to pick me up, and licked his cheek. He tasted like Clearasil.

"Cute." The human remarked. Though his voice was apathetic, I could smell his amusement. I rubbed cheeks with him, marking him as my property, and purred. The vibrations from my purring passed on to him and bounced back two fold. He was releasing his own waves.

This human was psychic. I could use this to my advantage. Although I liked him, I didn't trust him. If he ever turned on me, I'd have to _take him down_. Clawing out his beautiful eyes would be a travesty of the worst kind, though, seeing as they were such a lovely red color. In fact, he was _so_ handsome, that I found it hard to contemplate ways to kill him. I'd just have to kill everybody he ever loved to teach him his lesson….

However, before I could finish my evil plans, some guy who was half black and half grey plucked me from the red-eyed one by the scruff of my neck and held me out to Tobi again. "Return the kitten." He instructed.

I deflated. I knew it was too good to be true.

However, Tobi was a good owner. Instead of returning me, we went to a showing of Avatar and he just hid me in his pocket. Later, he told his friends that he had returned me.

He smuggled me into his dorm, and when the other humans finally found out about my presence, it was too late to get rid of me. All the humans in Tobi's group of friends were male except for one. Among the males, there was one whose skin was the exact same shade as the fish tanks that had stood across the aisle from my cage in Pet Co. He even looked like a fish, but also bore resemblance to one of those Na'vi from Avatar. I felt an uncontrollable urge to worship him. He was a fish (yummy), a Na'vi (Maybe he'll let me ride his Ikran!), and he even shared my hatred of Pablo. Screw liking Itachi, I was in _love_ with Kisame (the Na'vi-fish-man's name).

There was that girl, though. I didn't like her at first. She smelled like Kisame, which meant they were close, and Kisame was _mine_. There was also that deal with the cat toys. Does she think I'm stupid? I know those aren't real mice, you discriminating bitch! Peacock feather and catnip laced toys can't buy my affection! (Though, technically, I was free…) Then again, despite the fact that she was a weak-willed, loose-lipped tramp that draped herself all over _my_ Kisame any chance she got, she _did_ feed me and clean up my crap. I guess she was my servant. And, hey, that's cool with me.

However, with the passage of time and the happenings of many strange things, I really began to like my servant girl. I wasn't threatened by her presence around Kisame anymore. And if she overstepped her bounds, I already had her murder fully planned out. It'd be fine. She gets too close to Kisame and she gets a _lead sandwich_. Sure, I didn't _actually_ know how to use the gun I'd sorta- kinda-maybe stolen from Zetsu, who was almost as cute as Kisame, but the fact of the matter was that I had the gun at the ready. Just in case.

However, my servant girl (I think her name is Sakura, but seeing as she's not a handsome male human, I didn't really bother paying attention to her name) also doubled as my body guard. Like Kisame, I had many enemies, and I needed protection. After all, cats are royalty, which makes me a princess. Do you really expect me to fight my own battles when I have human pawns to do it for me? Kisame's enemies were the various Pablos he encountered. My enemies included my servant girl, who was after _my_ Kisame's heart, and… I don't remember his name. He may be a male human, but he wasn't attractive, so I didn't bother knowing it. Kisame often referred to him as the pedo-creeper-snake though, so let's go with that.

Kisame and the other attractive male humans often whispered about how 'that pedo-creeper-snake is after her!' And, seeing as I'm a much more important female in their lives than my servant girl, who is, after all, just a lowly servant, I am sure they're talking about me. I didn't know who pedo-creeper-snake really was, but I'm sure the reason he was after me was because I'm just so fucking awesome. Who _wouldn't_ want me?

As my servant girl, it was Sakuka's… Sakuah's….I forget the name. Anyway, the point is, it is her job to protect me from all possible harm. That included the pedo-creeper snake.

And, so, one day, when I was enjoying a peaceful slumber on my bed, which I sometimes shared with my servant girl (aren't I nice?) the pedo-creeper-snake guy broke into our humble abode. Though he had a man's stature, he had a lady-face. Also, from the scent of his hormones, even from across the room, I could tell he was neutered. However, spayed or not spayed, he reeked of murderous intent.

I dove for Zetsu's bed and waited for my chance to attack. It didn't come. My servant girl defended me valiantly, but, eventually, she fell. How disappointing. And, really, how dare pedo-creeper-snake hurt her? She was _my_ servant! Only I was allowed to kill her (if it became necessary). And then, he _left!_ I mean, I know Deidara (one of Kisame's human friend-slaves) had showed up, but, seriously, didn't you come here to kidnap me? If your will is so weak, you don't even deserve the right to _try_ kidnapping me!

So, I decided to follow him to punish him for being such a pathetic kidnapper. I was a much better villain than him, after all. I'd already done away with that abhorrent Gertrude and plotted the flawless murders of the entire Akatsuki (except for Kisame, of course), should I need to escape. I even had my alibis figured out! Do you know what my alibi is? "Sir, I'm a _cat_. How do you think I, as a _cat_, was able to orchestrate an elaborate murder that involved the removal of Hidan's entire heart?" Being a feline had some serious perks. They'd never suspect me…

Anyway, I followed pedo-creeper snake and his smelly midget sidekick outside and hopped, unnoticed, into their van. They began driving. When they got onto the highway, I crouched on the backseat and meowed loudly. The two turned around. They looked… what's that human emotion again? Oh, right, _confused._

They looked confused. "Where'd the cat come from?" The four-eyed one asked as pedo-creeper snake refocused on the road.

"Check its tags." Pedo-creeper snake suggested.

"Doesn't have any." Four-eyes said, and made a move to pet me. "Who's cat are you, little guy?" He asked.

I snapped. There were three things wrong with that question.

First of all, _I'm a girl._

Second of all, _I am my own cat, thank you very much, not somebody else's property!_

And, thirdly, _HOW DARE YOU NOT KNOW THE AWESOMENESS THAT IS BONBON?_

I unsheathed my claws, thanked my deity (Kisame) that I hadn't been declawed, and attacked the two bastards.

Five minutes later I hopped out of their totaled van onto the pavement of the 405. I only had one thought on the events leading up to this moment:

_Bitches got blood on my paws._

Feeling rather homicidal, I strut forward to one of the cars that had stopped due to the crash. It was a large truck, the same shade of I'm-color-blind-grey as Kisame's skin in the back, and a deep roan color of rust in the front. Inside of it was a male human that smelled a lot like Kisame. He wasn't Kisame-colored and he had lank, white, chin length hair, but he had a Kisame vibe going on. Perhaps it was his sharpened teeth? Next to him, in the passenger's seat was a soulless looking, sort of demonic feeling older human, like an adult, who was darker than the driver, as tall as Kisame, and had a short crop of black hair.

Despite his begrudging, angry face, he seemed nice. I meowed at him happily and he looked over at me, doing my cutest pose, giving him my big ol' kitty eyes, hoping he'd take me home with him so I wouldn't have to sleep outside (I'm a classy, indoor cat, thank you very much). He didn't seem to care at all and brushed me off, turning back to his friend, the one that reminded me of Kisame. Then, something occurred to him and he looked back at me. He opened the door and knelt in front of me, offering his hand. "Here, kitty, kitty." He said, as if he regretted saying the girly words even as they were coming out of his mouth.

"Yo, Zabuza, what the fuck are you doing?" The Kisame-like kid in the truck called from behind the wheel.

Zabu… Zaba… whatever, glanced apathetically over his shoulder. "Give it a rest, Suigetsu." He instructed. "Haku loves cats." He said as he picked me up gently in his giant hands. I struggled a bit, but not too much. I wanted to know more about the Kisame-smelling guy, Suigetsu.

Zabu-whatever-the-fuck-his-name-is got back into the car with me.

"I still don't see why we have to visit Haku in the hospital." Suigetsu muttered angrily under his breath.

"Look, you're the one that wanted me to teach you martial arts. As such, you have to do what I say. And I say we're going to go visit Haku. He just got dumped by Pablo before the accident and could use a friend." The man holding me snarled, as the truck began to move again.

_Pablo?_ I thought angrily.

"You wouldn't visit me if I were in the hospital." Suigetsu pointed out, driving forward, and getting into the carpool lane.

"You're not Haku." Zabu-sauce answered simply, watching the road and petting me absently.

Suigetsu snorted. "We're not going to be visiting anywhere if Big Blue here doesn't hold up." Suigetsu muttered darkly when the old truck sputtered again, patted the steering wheel soothingly, and hoped his ride would make it for just one more journey.

Zabu-sauce was sick of the conversation, and turned on the expensive looking stereo system that was lodged into the crappy dashboard. Honestly, this truck, Big Blue, wasn't worthy of me. I don't do pumpkin carriages. Where was Kisame's sexy Aston Martin DBS car when you needed it? I miss its awesomeness.

-Meanwhile…-

-Sakura's P.O.V.-

Time doesn't exist in hospitals. They tell you a doctor will be just a minute, and it takes him two goddamn hours to show up just to tell me I've got to stay the night. More crap about the damage to my ribs posing a threat to my internal organs, some shit about blood loss, a little more fussing about possible infections. All it chalks up to is a long day in a hospital.

After the morning report, two hours of boredom, and the doctor coming in to tell me nothing, I enlisted Deidara to burn the accursed paper gown while I took a shower in the bathroom attached to my room and changed into shorts and a tank top. Examining my reflection in the mirror above the sink, I glared at the faint dark circles under my eyes and the purple bruises marring my neck. I washed my face and teeth, brushed my wet hair into a perfect pink sheet, and tried not to think.

To not think about Orochimaru, who could be anywhere, possibly in a hospital after a possible car accident, and possibly somewhere else, plotting his next attack–the though made bile rise in my throat.

To not think about Kabuto, and his stupid reflective glasses and obnoxious mannerisms that irritated me to no end.

To not think about the guys just outside the door, waiting for me to return so they can keep being sexy and oh-so freaking willing if my composure happened to slip and I asked them to make me forget about the whole Orochimaru ordeal for the simple purpose of taking the pain away in a way the morphine drip could not. It was wrong to use them like that. They were my friends and I was supposed to love and respect them. Yet, they are too goddamn hot and I'm too goddamn selfish.

Just one, simple, tiny, little kiss could temporarily numb the pain. Set my heart aflutter and my stomach soaring into my throat, distracting me long enough, taking me from being the girl that is the constant target of a crazed pedophile to the girl who was young and reckless and too preoccupied with crushes and love… octagons to even care about anything else. There were some men just beyond that door that could provide, with a simple kiss, a chance for my mind to go completely blank. The only problem was, it was wrong.

I shouldn't kiss someone to distract myself. I should kiss someone because I _like_ him. And I mean _like like_. To kiss a man for any other reason is manipulation. So when had I become such a manipulator? Dammit, I'm a bitch, aren't I?

I huffed, wished I had mascara with me, and left the bathroom. The boys were eating pancakes for breakfast. However, they were so hungry that they had devoured all of the hospital's pancake stores and been forced to order out from I-Hop. Tobi was sharing some with the twelve year old girl. She was telling him about her troubles with her newly ex-boyfriend, Pablo.

Needless to say, Kisame was terrified of her. He was cowering in a corner, eating his pancakes. Itachi was trying to comfort him, but his helping hand was nearly bitten off when he ventured too close to the blue monster; clearly lost without his kitten, nursing his pancakes and few remaining scraps of manly pride as he whimpered pathetically. Were those _tears_ I saw?

"Don't bother with him," Pein said, looking at me out of the corner of his eye. "He'll be fine."

Without my permission, my lips twitched. Pein was just as sexy as I remembered. Perfect arms that made me shiver in a good way; flawless, lightly tanned skin; creepy eyes under thin orange eyebrows; too many goddamn piercings obstructing his perfect face and ears; an elasticity about him that made him look much younger than twenty-five.

I plopped into the plastic chair next to him. "So, what have you been up to?" I asked nonchalantly.

"Not much," he answered with a shrug. "It's the dead season. Kakuzu's been restless." He explained, pointing to Kakuzu, who was currently glaring at his laptop. "And what about you? Is your life finally settling down?"

I chuckled. "Obviously not. Just as crazy as usual. Though, it's been quite awhile since we've had a spontaneous vacation to tropical paradise."

Pein chuckled nervously back and rumpled my hair, trying to make himself believe that, by comparison to him, I was a child. "We wouldn't want to get you deported again, anyhow."

"We could always just leave Deidara behind, I suppose." I suggested, smirking and shrugging.

"Hey, un!" Deidara snapped, having heard me even though he was across the room, lounging on my bed, reading a magazine.

I stuck my tongue out at him. He rolled his eyes and returned to his reading material.

Pein snickered genuinely this time. "I see you two are getting along as usual." He remarked.

I smiled. "Like a bickering old married couple, of course."

"As if I'd ever marry a crazy broad like you, un." Deidara muttered, taking a bite of his pancakes, eyes trained on his magazine.

I glared at Deidara while Pein laughed.

"Geez, what's a kid like you doing with a boyfriend anyway." Tobi was saying to the girl in the other hospital bed.

"Oh, I'm seventeen." She said, cocking her head so her crop of long, sleek black hair could fall over her shoulder, exposing the long column of her alabaster neck. Her large brown eyes blinked owlishly at me. In a word, she was freaking _adorable._

My jaw dropped. Seventeen? "Damn, girl!" I exclaimed, forgetting about Pein completely. "I thought you were twelve."

She turned to look at me, confused. "I'm a boy…"

"Itachi?" I called, never looking away from the so-called boy.

"Yeah?" He asked.

"Catch me…" I instructed before falling backwards in a faint.

Itachi faithfully caught me and carried me to my bed. "Looks like a lady…" I was muttering as he laid me down on my pillow, after pushing Deidara, rather rudely, off.

"Yes, yes, Sakura, it's okay. Honest mistake." Itachi comforted me quietly, laying down beside me on the bed so I could curl into his nice-smelling chest.

"My name's Haku." The girl-guy called to me, trying to amend the situation that had arisen.

"Sakura." I answered.

"Itachi Uchiha." Itachi introduced himself as well.

"So, are you two going out?" Haku asked cheerily.

"No… not really…" I muttered, feeling embarrassed. Did I even like Itachi like that? I mean, I loved the guy, and he was hot, but did I have a crush on him or something? I couldn't remember what a crush felt like. I used to think it was when your stomach clenches and your brain does little summersaults of happiness when you see the guy you like, but that happens to me all the time now. The line between friends, and more-than-friends had blurred too much over the past year. There was no longer white and back, just varying shades of grey.

Itachi twitched beside me and I knew he'd heard what I'd thought. "I'm going to get a movie from upstairs." I announced, sitting up, wanting to leave the overcrowded room. The hospital we were in was a pediatric one, and they had a room upstairs with books and movies for patients staying for extended periods of time.

"I can get that for you." Itachi said, sitting up as well.

"No, I want to walk." I insisted, because it was true. I needed to go somewhere and do something.

"Then I'll go with you." Itachi insisted.

I gave in. This was the best it was going to get. "Fine, let's go." I muttered and made for the door.

"Are you sure they're not dating?" Haku stage-whispered to Tobi as Itachi and I left.

Ignoring them, we walked down the hall to the staircase. Walking on my injured leg was a pain in the ass, so I leaned against Itachi and he faithfully put his hand around my waist to support me. "Thanks," I mumbled, blushing and trying not to. Why should I blush? Itachi and I have shared a bed before, not to mention made out on several occasions. However, I knew it. I'm just a sap for random acts of affection. Even a simple, friendly gesture like this had my heart working double time.

_**Calm down, girl.**_

_It's just… so weird. One minute, I'm being attacked by a pedophile. The next, I'm angsty and self-loathing. And, now, here I am, next to one of the hottest guys in the whole freaking _world _acting like a five-year-old with a playground crush._

_**Don't question it. Just… celebrate our good fortune.**_

_You don't get it. You're only ever supposed to like one guy. But, if any of the other guys were here (except Kakuzu, who I can't fucking stand most of the time), being sexy and wrapping their arms around my waist, I'd still be blushing up a storm!_

It all reminded me of that one time Itachi had asked me, at the beginning of summer if I liked him, or if anybody would do. I stood by my answer. No, not anybody would do, but that didn't mean only one person would cut it. I liked several boys, at the moment, as way more than friends, but I didn't like everybody. You sure wouldn't catch me dead doing couple-like things with Naruto. I was fickle, but not _that_ fickle.

In this situation, I could conclude two things. I liked Itachi. Itachi liked me. So I threw my concept of 'it's wrong to use people' out the window, pushed Itachi against a wall, and kissed him. Not to make myself forget about the whole Orochimaru thing. Not to make sure I still _could_ feel. Not for any of those selfish bitchy reasons or because I knew Itachi wouldn't complain.

No talking about the feelings we would never have the words, nor balls, to express with words. Just my lips, laying all my cards on the table, as they met Itachi's. I didn't kiss him for consolation, or because he was hot, or for a deeper meaning of any kind. I kissed him because I just, simply, wanted to. It felt damn good to do something of my own free will, to be in control, to kiss Itachi, who I loved in so many different ways. He was free to push me away, but he didn't.

-END CHAPTER-

_A/N: Thanks for reading! Ahh, it got deep there for a moment or two, but I hope it was funny enough as well. Please don't be surprised that I'm portraying Haku as gay. We all know it's true. Once again, a special thanks to my wonderful beta, RoRo, who, like me, took time out of studying for midterms for this story. Please leave a review!_

_Request to reviewers: Please tell me your favorite part of this chapter, if you have one. Also, if you have a favorite line, please tell me which one it is. I'm very curious._


	50. Inception

_A/N: Sorry this took so long guys. My life just kind of… fell apart this time. We made it to chapter 50! I'm seriously too depressed to write this. Shit… oh, well. Here's too hoping I don't kill everyone off! Ugh…_

_Thanks to RoRo for editing. You'll always be my purple haired goddess, even if your hair is black now._

_Disclaimer: TROLOLOLOLOLOLO!_

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 50**

**Inception**

I pushed against Itachi's chest, greedily palming his perfect pectorals through the flimsy material of his black t-shirt. He never stood a chance. He was forced to back up under my assault, and when his back met the wall I stood on my tiptoes to press my lips to his, simply because I wanted to. Kissing Itachi didn't change reality, make the world stop, or make the planets align. I knew, even in that moment, that _somewhere_ a homicidal pedophiliac maniac was plotting my doom.

But I kissed Itachi anyway. I didn't want to forget reality; I just wanted to kiss Itachi. There are plenty of reasons why. He's hot. He's a good kisser. He's one of the smartest yet not entirely conceited guys I've ever met. He can wiggle his ears. He's Itachi.

Besides, plenty of people in the world were murder targets. That didn't make Itachi any less hot or me any less attracted to him. Orochimaru's existence didn't mean my social life needed to stop. If I wanted to kiss a guy who was absurdly sexy (In a daring, intellectual, bad-ass with secret sensitive-side way) well, then, I _would_. Itachi knew about the whole Orochimaru thing and he didn't hate me, so why should I hate myself?

My left hand grabbed onto the collar of his shirt for leverage and my right hand pressed over his heart, measuring his reaction as I opened my mouth just the tiniest amount and traced his lips with the tip of my tongue.

The response was immediate, and I felt Itachi's heart lurch. He opened his mouth and tilted his head the appropriate amount of degrees. His left hand gripped the side of my face, pulling me closer to him while gently tipping my head back. The tips of his fingers tangled in my still-damp pink hair. I could hear a frantic ocean of my blood, pulsing through my head and body. He pulled me forward so roughly that my teeth knocked his and his jaw reflexively closed a little. His canine tooth scratched my exploring, tender tongue. I didn't care. It was actually pretty hot.

His right hand pressed against the small of my back, supporting the weight of my upper body as I leaned into him. His neck bowed forward, his lips pressuring mine so I had to tilt my head even farther back as he took control. His tongue ran over mine and then delved deeper into my mouth as my satisfied cries echoed throughout the deserted early-morning hallway.

I pushed back anyway, knowing I was fighting a losing battle as I allowed my tongue to join in a violent dance with his. My hand slipped from his collar down the back of his shirt, feeling the muscles of his back tense as he moved against me; his hands moved up and down my sides and he pulled me closer. I breathed in through my nose, as my mouth was otherwise occupied, and was overwhelmed by the smell of Itachi. He smelled intoxicating, like body wash from Target, men's shampoo, some sort of aftershave, and an edge of something that was purely Itachi.

"Excuse me?" A woman asked leaning out the door of the room next to the wall Itachi and I were currently making out against.

"Hmm?" Itachi hummed, still kissing me, refusing to let me go no matter who was watching. I wasn't exactly pulling away either.

"Um, my son is trying to sleep," she explained, jutting her thumb over her shoulder, into her son's room. "So can you, you know, do your _thing_ somewhere else?"

"Mmm…" Itachi pondered, kissing along my jaw and then down my neck, moving his left hand from my face to my butt, and his right hand to my side, just south of second base.

"I-I'm sorry." I apologized, not really sorry at all and thoroughly enjoying my part in our teenage shenanigans. "We-We-We'll leave_—ahhh_!" I broke off as Itachi simultaneously squeezed my ass and sucked on my pulse, sending waves of surprise and pleasure rocking though my body. I smacked his back lightly. "Itachi, come on, we have to go."

The woman smiled. "Thank you."

I gave her a distressed smile as she disappeared back into her son's room. Itachi didn't make a move to leave. "Itachi" I whined childishly.

After another moment, his red eyes opened and gazed up at me through his long black eye lashes. Is this was they call smoldering? It was a lot hotter than I thought it'd be. Heart, stomach, and lungs: they all clenched simultaneously and suddenly the hall felt twenty degrees warmer. "You started it." He accused.

I sighed dramatically, fighting my urge to just kiss him all over again. "Aren't you supposed to be the mature one? Come on, let's go." I took his hand, and, with great self-restraint, began walking towards the elevator. I pressed the up arrow and, as we waited, I snorted with laughter at remembering something.

"What is it?" Itachi asked.

"Earlier, when I was kissing you, your heart skipped a beat and then sped up." I explained wistfully. "It's endearing to know that guys' heart's race too."

Itachi looked more embarrassed than I'd ever seen him. Sure, to the naked eye, he was just a stoic brooding teen, but I knew him well enough to notice the way his eyes widened slightly, his brow furrowed, and his jaw flexed as he fought an unconscious desire to bite his lower lip. A weaker man than him would be blushing. Then he turned the tables with a vengeance. "At least I didn't make any funny sounds."

"Wha-?" My face, I could tell, had gone red. "What funny sounds?"

Itachi smirked and put a contemplating finger to his chin mockingly. "I believe it was something like '_Ahh_, Itachi, _mmm_, please-_ah_-to…touch me more. Oh, _mmm_, don't stop.'" He taunted in a perfect monotone.

The monotone didn't matter, and neither did the context. Itachi Uchiha had just uttered the words 'touch me more.' I was fully within my rights to conjure up some lewd images to match. It was, certainly, against my will. Or maybe not, but really, he's just so _sexy._ And I _am_ a healthy teenage girl. If anybody was to blame for the graphic porno playing in my mind, it was Itachi for supplying the sexual tension. I stomped my foot to regain control of myself. "I did not say those things!"

Itachi's smirk widened. He was enjoying this too much. "No, but you were thinking them."

_**Fuck. He heard me.**_

_Seriously, keep your thoughts to yourself next time._

"Already looking forward to a 'next time,' Sakura?" Itachi asked, his smile approaching a full on _grin_, as his eyes danced with suppressed mirth.

_Curse his mind reading powers!_

_**Fuck you, Itachi's mind reading powers!**_

_I didn't mean LITERALLY!_

_**Stop criticizing me!**_

_Stop being such a dumbass!_

_**I'm you!**_

_Then stop criticizing me already!_

"We're going to need to check you into the psych ward, soon." Itachi commented, raising a sardonic eyebrow.

I pursed my lips. "Stop criticizing me."

Itachi ignored me. He was already scanning the information board, looking for the floor that specialized in psychology. I pouted, crossed my arms, and ignored him in the most immature way possible.

Finally, the elevator arrived. Inside were two guys: one with white hair and the other a giant with dark hair and skin. In the giant's arms was Bonbon. "Bonbon!" I called out without thinking and tackled her out of relief. However, as she was in the arms of a strange man, I ended up glomping him in the process. Didn't matter to me. Who cares? He's just some strange guy. "Bonbon! I was so worried about you! Where have you been?" I asked as if she were capable of answering.

Bonbon only licked my chin and nuzzled me affectionately. As soon as I got over the epic joy that was her return, I realized I was still on top of a man I'd tackled along with her. He did not look amused. I gulped, collected the cat, and stood up silently, eyeing him fearfully. "Ah, I'm sorry. I get over excited easily." I apologized, sweat dropping.

He didn't respond as he, too, stood up.

I tried again. "Er… thanks for finding my cat."

_**Kisame's cat.**_ Inner Sakura corrected.

_Tobi's cat._ I countered.

…_**the cat? **_Inner Sakura suggested.

_Sure, let's go with that._

The man considered me stoically, extended his long, muscular arm, and plucked Bonbon out of my grasp. She hissed and bit his thumb for the treatment but he didn't even flinch. "Finders keepers. This cat is mine now."

I blame what happened next on my motherly instincts, for Bonbon is my baby girl. I snapped. My hand came up and before creepy overly tall guy could even blink, I had punched him, burying my fist in his stomach. Those last minute anti-Orochimaru martial arts lessons had done me good. My usual bitch slap probably would have been useless here. Predictably, the tall guy wasn't weak enough to be knocked out by such a blow, but he sure was taken off guard.

I used the opportunity to snag Bonbon back and cradle her to my chest. She just purred. The violence was clearly amusing her. "Bonbon isn't some lost wallet! She's a cat, and she's my cat, and she's a living being, so don't just play around with her!" As I yelled at the tall guy something told me my anger wasn't entirely aimed towards him so much as a certain snakey ex-teacher. I didn't care. I was too upset. Before he could recover and kick my ass or his white-haired friend could peel himself off the floor where he lay laughing, I turned on my heel and marched to the stairs.

I was too embarrassed by my momentary lapse of self-control to even look at Itachi as he followed after me. How could I have snapped like that? I chalked it up to my strung-out emotions after being attacked by a possible rapist and making out with Itachi the Sex God.

I began climbing the stairs, Bonbon still in my arms. "The psychology ward is only one floor above us, Sakura. Let's make a pit stop there." Itachi suggested, and I could hear the smirk in his voice. He could possibly even be _smiling_.

I resisted the urge to turn around and check. "Your sarcasm's showing, Itachi." I grumbled irritably, making sure to purposefully march right on past the door that led to the psychology ward and continue my ascent.

Itachi's hand caught my own and he spun me around. He was just a little shorter than me as I stood a few steps above him and my heart fluttered when he met my eyes on his level. "Are you sure you're okay?" He asked seriously.

Having him so close, no matter how many times it had occurred before, always seemed to do funny things to my heart. I tried to make the palpitations stop, but they were quite the stubborn little buggers. Slack-jawed, all I did was nod in response to Itachi's concerned question.

Itachi's eyes, so red and beautiful, seemed to catch fire as they bore into my mine. I waited for them to swallow me up. "Sakura, you just kissed me and then decked a total stranger." The sincerity in his voice that he so rarely displayed made me feel empty inside… like I needed him to fill me up again.

I tried to relax my frantic heart and remind myself that Itachi was only concerned about me. After a few moments of deep breathing and mentally picturing Kisame kissing Pablo, it worked. "So kissing you makes me crazy, then?"

Itachi may not be conceited, but he also wasn't insecure. He knew he was hot, and that kissing him was fully within the realm of any average teenage girl's fantasy. He smirked in amusement. "Everything you do is just a little insane." He told me.

I grinned. "That only started after I began hanging out with you guys."

Itachi paused and for a second I was sure that he'd mention that I began hanging out with them at the same time my parents had passed. They were, after all, exactly the opposite of what my parents would have wanted for me: a bunch of badass boys. I felt my heart sink as a familiar feeling of lightheadedness and sadness came over me like it always did when I thought about them. My parents had yet to come back from the grave and condemn my choices in friends. We'd never been particularly close; both of them were workaholic geniuses and I was always busy with my own academic achievements. The chasm only widened due to boarding school that had begun when I'd entered the sixth grade. But they were still my parents. I swallowed.

Itachi appeared to rethink his words. He squeezed the hand that he'd caught me by earlier and still had yet to relinquish. "Are you sure you're okay?" His voice was tender and sincere.

I leaned forward and kissed him again, softly on his lips. "I'll be fine as long as you're here with me." I whispered and squeezed his hand back.

This time I did see a little color reach Itachi's cheeks. That hadn't been my intention but it still felt like a victory, nevertheless. I smiled and began tugging him up the stairs. "Come on, we need to get the movie and then we'll go tell everyone we found Bonbon."

"Meow!" Bonbon added happily.

-"Okay, _Brave Little Toaster_ or _The Fox and the Hound?" _I queried. Itachi raised an eyebrow."How about we just get _Inception_ and call it a day?"-

"We got _Inception_." Itachi announced smugly when we reentered my hospital room.

"And Bonbon!" I announced, refusing to grumble anymore about the non-animated movie he had chosen. Why had I let his choose the movie? I was the injured one here! I probably let him get away with it because he's hot. Oh, no… Am I doomed to being fooled out of my things for the rest of my life by pretty boys? Will I marry a guy for his looks and let him ride on my coat tails as I achieve economic success using my amazing brains and then let him divorce me and take all of my money, leaving me with nothing but the broken pieces of our marriage and our young children who will grow up with a complex because they don't think their father wanted them?

Then, as angsty teenagers, will they experiment with drugs and rebel and blame me for our broken family until one of them, probably the oldest, runs away and is later arrested for possession? And then will I be sued in family court for parental neglect, and declared unfit to care for my children? And will the younger children be forced to file for emancipation? Then will I be all alone in my old age, used up and aged prematurely by stress to the point where no man will have me and I'll be reduced to owning a lot of cats and yelling at the neighborhood children to get off my lawn because I can't bear to see their smiling faces when my own children can't stand to look at me? Oh, god, _why_ did I let him get _Inception?_

Itachi was looking at me strangely. "Don't worry, Sakura, if we get married and have kids and then get divorced, I won't take all your money away."

I deadpanned. "That's the only part you're going to take responsibility for?"

"Hey, Haku, you said pancakes, right?" A voice from behind us asked. I turned around to see the guy from earlier who'd had Bonbon. He was carrying a tray of pancakes and, behind him, was his creepy friend, also with pancakes.

"YOU!" I declared dramatically, pointing at him.

He glared down at me insanely. "So we meet again."

My left eye twitched. "I've been waiting for this day for a very long time."

"Like what, ten minutes?" His creepy white-haired friend chimed in.

I fixed my glare on him. "It was a long ten minutes." _I _couldn't even tell if I was kidding or not at this point.

"What happened between you two?" Haku asked curiously from her… er, _his_ bed, all smiles and pleasant soft-spoken-ness.

"This girl stole your cat, Haku." Creepy guy accused me.

"You stole Bonbon first! How'd you even get her, anyway?" I demanded, my voice rising.

Overly tall guy had the decency to explain. "We picked her up on the highway. She was just standing at the scene of that car crash on the four-oh-five. Weirdest thing I'd ever seen."

I gaped and dropped my gaze to the smug looking Bonbon in my other hand. "So you _did_ do that?"

Bonbon gave me a _well, __duh_ look.

"Awww!" I cooed and hugged her tightly, slowly choking the life out of her little kitty body. "You're the best!"

She hissed and swiped at my face with her claws until I let go and she dropped to the floor. She landed like the ninja kitty we all knew she was and then strut over with her super model swagger to a waiting Kisame, tail held jauntily high in the air.

"Zabuza, you can't just go around stealing other people's cats!" Haku chastised the tall guy.

Zabuza shrugged. "You like cats."

"No, actually, I'm allergic." Haku explained. "I like _rabbits_."

Zabuza looked confused. "Aren't they the same thing?"

Haku looked endeared by Zabuza's ignorance. Zabuza's friend looked weirded out and disappointed as he slapped his hand to his forehead but refrained from saying anything.

"Suigetsu?" Kisame asked from across the room, roused from his nap by Bonbon pawing his chest as she checked his heart for any possible abnormalities that may have arisen in her absence.

"Kisame?" Zabuza's friend asked, raising a brow in Kisame's direction.

Kisame caught full sight of the younger teen and broke into a toothy grin. "Small world, cousin!"

"Been awhile, Sunshine." Suigetsu grinned as well, and I could see the family resemblance in that malicious, jokingly sadistic grin.

Kisame glared. "I told you to stop calling me that." He growled.

"What's wrong with Sunshine, Sunshine?" Suigetsu responded with a nonchalant shrug as Kisame's righteous indignation mounted.

_So this is the guy that leant his crappy truck to Deidara on Zetsu's birthday?_

_**Wow, Kisame is **_**way**_** hotter.**_

"Why 'Sunshine'?" Sasori chirped from his position sitting cross-legged on my bed. No doubt he was hoping to get a few amazing childhood stories to use for blackmail against Kisame out of this.

"Zabuza, my pancakes?" Haku prodded gently, tearing Zabuza's attention away from the brewing family feud.

"Yeah, no problem," Zabuza answered, bringing the tray over to the younger, more fragile-looking boy.

"Thanks." Haku said, giving Zabuza a winning smile.

Watching them, I finally understood why Haku's relationship with the elusive Pablo character didn't work out. Haku was so clearly in love with Zabuza. And, as I watched Zabuza watch Haku, it became abundantly clear that the feeling was mutual. As I watched Haku blush and titter as Zabuza gruffly inquired after his health, it quickly became obvious they were ignorant fools.

New mission: get them together.

"Sakura, sit down, it's time for _Inception."_ Tobi insisted.

I realized I'd been zoning out and realized the entire Akatsuki plus Suigetsu were gathered into the hospital room sitting around the television. I climbed into my bed, crawling over Kakuzu's lap to do so and settled between Itachi and Deidara against the headboard. I briefly contemplated snuggling into Itachi's chest but something about Leonardo DiCaprio and an old Japanese guy gets me every time and I was out like a light.

- I dreamed that we watched _Toy Story_ instead. -

When I woke up, it was about midday and a nurse was checking the flexibility of my legs for any possible stiffness. Haku was sleeping in his bed and Zabuza was respectfully sitting in a plastic chair beside him, watching the feminine boy dream (probably of him). Kisame, Tobi, Suigetsu, and Kakuzu were discussing something over a catalog and Bonbon was purring happily, in a ball, in Kisame's lap as he continuously pet her. Zetsu was sitting in a chair nearby, dozing. He looked… peaceful.

Pein had replaced Itachi by my side and Itachi was nowhere to be seen, but the sounds of a shower in the attached bathroom told me he was bathing. Deidara was on my other side. Hidan and Sasori were missing. I assumed they had gone for more food. The television was on again, this time set to a news channel. The weather called for thunderstorms this afternoon. A quick glance out the window on my part confirmed it. A storm was definitely brewing and droplets of rain were beginning to fall, their pitter-patter loud against the glass.

"What a miserable day," I commented, my voice thick with lethargy.

"Fuck the weather! We brought some real fucking food!" Hidan yelled boisterously from the door, awaking Haku with a jolt and causing Zabuza to glare at Hidan for disturbing his future-lover's slumber. I couldn't care less. Hidan and Sasori had reappeared and they had giant bags of McDonald's with them.

I sat bolt upright and leaned eagerly over Pein. "Oh, my Jashin. You better have got me my fucking big breakfast."

Hidan smirked while Sasori grappled with an overenthusiastic Kisame that was about to maul him for an egg McMuffin. "Oh, I _might_ have, but I got it for me. Why should I let _you_ fucking have it?" He asked, shrugging.

He was toying with me. I knew it. I also knew I was too hungry to deal with it right now. "What do you want, you sick bastard?"

Hidan put a finger to his chin, contemplating. A hash brown went soaring over my head and Deidara caught it. I wanted my big breakfast. "How about this? There's something I want to do tonight. After you're fucking discharged, why don't you come with me?"

I contemplated. "When you say 'something you want to do' do you mean 'me'? And when you say I should 'come with you' do you mean 'c-o-m-e' or 'c-u-m'?" I asked.

Pein sort of choked a little when he heard that. No doubt mental images were scarring him for life at that moment.

Hidan just sighed wistfully and then grinned, no doubt enjoying his little mental image parade. "Oh, I love how your fucking mind works. That's not what I was suggesting, but if you're up for it, who am I to deny you?"

I rolled my eyes and got out of my bed, awkwardly climbing across Pein's lap (he didn't complain). "Whatever." I told Hidan as I grabbed my big breakfast from the bag without meeting resistance, and returned to my bed to eat.

Hidan quirked an eyebrow. "So that's a yes, then?" He asked, trying to appear his usual cocky self but I could tell he was a bit taken off guard.

I slathered my pancakes with the soft butter. "Where are we going?" I asked.

Itachi emerged from the bathroom then, changed and still dripping a little. Damn sexy as always. A few years of him, and I was sure I'd be immune to hot guys. He was looking at Hidan. "Are you suggesting you and Sakura crash the Homecoming dance tonight?"

"I forgot Homecoming was tonight, un." Deidara commented.

"Sakura, do you want to go to Homecoming with me?" Sasori and Tobi asked in unison, Sasori a bit aggressively and Tobi eagerly.

I sweat dropped and held up my hands. "I was banned from Homecoming, remember?"

"Which is why it would be considered gate crashing." Kisame explained with a smirk.

"Back the fuck up." Hidan growled. "Sakura originally promised to go with me, remember?"

I rolled my eyes. "I didn't _promise_ to go with anybody, if you remember correctly. Tenten just sent out that stupid mass text and you happened to have the fastest response."

"So you'll go with _me_, right?" Tobi and Sasori asked, again in unison. Somebody should have those two checked…

I blinked. What to do, what to do? I should just pick Itachi and be done with it, but, oh, God, Tobi's got his puppy face on.

"Wow, Sakura, I envy your love life." Haku commented pleasantly from his bed.

I fake-cried. "Don't envy me" I whined. "It's so complicated!"

"Are you saying you don't love us, Sakura, un?" Deidara asked.

Tobi put on his best kicked-puppy face. "You don't love me anymore, Sakura?"

"Geez, I didn't realize our affection was such a _burden_ to you." Kisame continued.

Even Zetsu joined in. "Do you want us to go away, Sakura?"

"No!" I whined. "Don't go! I love you guys!" And, with that, I threw my arms around Tobi, Deidara, Sasori, and Kisame, somehow. Maybe I ate some gum gum fruit.

"Oi, get out of my hug." Kisame complained, kicking Tobi.

Tobi stumbled, but shoved Kisame in return and then tackled me into his own private hug. "Sakura is Tobi's because Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi declared.

I pet his head and giggled. Cute, sweet, little Tobi. I pinched Tobi's hand as it sank from my waist towards my ass. "Where does your hand think it is going?" I asked.

Tobi met my gaze seriously. "Tobi has needs, Sakura."

Sasori, Deidara, Hidan, and Kisame cracked up at that. I ignored them. "Sakura has boundary issues, Tobi."

Tobi pouted. "Sakura let Itachi touch her in the hallway earlier. Tobi saw when Tobi went to get snacks."

Hidan's guffaws abruptly stopped. "Wait, what the fuck?"

"That's different."

Tobi cocked his head to the side. "How?"

"Itachi is Itachi and Tobi is Tobi." I explained simply. "And since when did you want to touch my ass, anyway?"

Tobi shrugged. "Tobi just wanted to be like Itachi." I rolled my eyes. Figures. His mind is so simple.

"That's not a good enough reason, Tobi." I told him.

"Wait, you fucking kissed Itachi?" Hidan demanded.

I shrugged. "I felt like it, so yeah, I did."

"Moreover there's still the issue of Homecoming. How about you go with everyone, Sakura?" Itachi suggested.

"Trust you to be the diplomat." I muttered. "Alright. It's decided. We'll risk my academic future on a stupid dance that we're only crashing for the hell of it. Why not?"

I meant to be sarcastic but their cheering indicated that they were in agreement. I looked over Deidara, who normally would be excited by this sort of thing, but he was watching Itachi with the weirdest expression on his face. His expression was far from pleased. He almost looked… combative. Then, as if he could feel my gaze, he turned to me. For a split second he looked sad, but then he smiled. It didn't reach his eyes.

-End Chapter-

_A/N: This is sort of the worst week of my life. Ever. But writing this has cheered me up some. Now I'll just have to eat my weight in chocolate and then maybe I'll feel whole again. This chapter is dedicated to all of you who waited for it. You're the best. Please leave a review._


	51. Wonderland

_**REPOSTED 7/9/11 WITH MINOR CHANGES!**_

_A/N: I hope you guys don't get too mad at me for posting a filler(-ish but not really) chapter after such a long break, but don't worry! The next chapter is done too, it just needs to be typed up. Expect it sometime next week (there's an internet-less cruise I'm going on, so I won't be able to finish before I leave). Anyhow, this was a suggestion by __Thirrin73__ that I just couldn't get off my mind._

_As always, a special thanks to my beta RoRo, without whom I would sound _even more_ like a babbling baboon and an extended thank you to all my other friends who have stuck by me recently during this overly difficult time. You guys can't even know how much you mean to me. Lessthanthree you forever._

_Warning: This chapter was written in the dead of night, so it might seem a little… insane…. Also, it looks long, but it's mostly dialog, so don't worry._

_Contest Coming Up: Details at the bottom._

_Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail—oops, wrong story! Argh, I never seem to get these disclaimer things right… Well, whatever… fuck it all._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 51**

**Wonderland**

I was in the old school, the one that shouldn't exist anymore because, well; it blew up, didn't it? However, how I came be in a place that no longer existed did not matter.

I was there. I might as well make the best of it.

I was in the science wing, a long hallway lined with lockers and doors. When I started to walk forward, the walls moved with me, as if I wasn't really moving at all. With a huff of exasperation, I tried again, this time walking faster. Unfortunately, those pesky walls kept up with me as the floor moved faster than I could.

I stopped. If I wasn't going to get anywhere anytime soon, what was the point in moving at all?

"Do you even know where you're going?" a disembodied voice asked. I spun on my heel to face the noise and spotted a familiar figure leaning against the lockers as Neji Hyuuga materialized out of thin air.

"_Neji?"_ I asked incredulously.

Neji raised a sardonic eyebrow. "Who else?" He inquired. "So, Sakura, where are you going?"

I paused to think about it. "I… I'm not quite sure." Secretly I was wondering what the hell Tenten's boyfriend was doing there. Minor characters should just mind their own business.

Neji shrugged off of the lockers and ambled over to me. "Then retrace your steps," he advised. "Where did you come from?"

My eyes widened. Why did I have to explain this to him? "Well, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much—"

"Not that!" Neji snapped, a rare flush of color spreading across his cheeks. "I mean where did the current you that you are now begin?"

I opened my mouth to repeat the familiar Sex Ed lesson, when another idea suddenly flitted through my head before I could utter a single syllable. I had my answer. I glanced back at Neji to tell him of my discovery, but he had vanished as stealthily as he had appeared. My momentary shift in position led me to face something entirely out of the ordinary in the hallway. A door had appeared where there shouldn't be a door. The words "Roof Stairwell: No Student Entrance" were emblazoned across it in large red letters.

I hesitated. I subconsciously knew that beyond this door was a steep flight of stairs that led to another door that led to a roof and that what was on that roof would change my entire life. Was I ready to take that step again, knowing full well what the result would be? Of _course _I was. In two quick strides, I was across the hall and standing before the door. My hand shook as I reached for the door knob despite my best attempts at bravado.

Swallowing hard, I threw the door open. Absolute darkness greeted me. I couldn't even make out the shape of the staircase… Tentatively, I stepped into the black and promptly began to tumble towards earth. So much for my subconscious intuition. It hadn't been a staircase at all, but rather an empty elevator shaft. For some reason I couldn't quite put my finger on, this didn't exactly feel like the first time I'd fallen down an elevator shaft. I reached the bottom abruptly, landing on my butt with a hard _thwack_ as something beneath me shattered.

Glancing around, I discovered that I was in a windowless, door-less version of Ebisu's old guidance office. I stood up and observed what I had crushed. It was a small potted plant. The delicate flower had been completely flattened, the soil closely resembled a pancake, and the terracotta pot had splintered beyond repair. Squinting, I made out some words etched into several of the larger broken pieces. They read "Dumbledore Useless Hufflepuff."

"That's strange," I muttered to myself, surveying the damage. "It's supposed to say something else, isn't it?"

"Save a plant, eat a vegetarian." A voice from behind me whispered.

With a start, I whirled around to find a teenage boy. He looked older than me, with a distinctly youthful twinkle in his eyes. Out of his black hair poked two round, black ears. He sported an eye patch and a long, thin tail that trailed behind him on the floor. "What?" I asked him.

"Zetsu will not be pleased when he hears you've killed Gertrude, miss." The boy said with a happy grin.

"What are you?" I asked him breathlessly, awed by his furry ears and long, dragging tail. Didn't I know this boy? He seemed familiar.

"I'm a pirate!" The boy answered proudly. "And a panda." He added in a conspiring whisper as he leaned close to me.

"A panda?" I repeated. "You look more like a dormouse to me."

"That's because I _am_ a dormouse, miss. My name is Tobi. But I _wanted_ to be a _panda_." Tobi murmured, unable to completely keep the bitter edge out of his tone.

"Then why aren't you a panda?" I asked him.

Tobi shrugged. "Because he's the panda." He answered simply, pointing to a panda bobble head on Ebisu's desk that sat beside a tall bottle of dark purple liquid and a steaming stack of buttermilk pancakes the size of my thumbnail. Only I now noticed as I peered closer that it wasn't a panda at all, but a red haired boy in a panda costume. Tobi crossed his arms and pouted. "Stupid Gaara and his eyeliner. If I wore eyeliner, I could have been a panda pirate." He muttered angrily.

I stared at him. That didn't make any sense. Tobi would have looked horrible in eyeliner. I poked the panda bobble head's head curiously, but had to snatch my fingers back swiftly as he lunged to bite them with all the ferocity of…a wild panda.

"What's your name, miss?" Tobi asked.

I paused. I had to think about it for a moment. Tobi eyed me expectantly, and I fidgeted under his gaze, tucking a strand of my pink hair behind my ear. Wait, that was it! My pink hair! After all, my parents weren't very imaginative when they named me. "I'm Sakura."

Tobi smiled but then his expression suddenly turned thoughtful. "Sakura, huh? I think I've heard that name before…" he mused.

"You have?" I prompted him.

Tobi's eyebrows furrowed as he concentrated. Finally, heaving a great sigh, he shrugged. "I guess not. If I had heard it, I'd have remembered. After all, I remember everything, since I'm an elephant."

"I thought you were a panda." I argued.

Tobi gave me a look that clearly questioned my sanity. "I'm not a panda."

"A dormouse, then," I reasoned.

Tobi shook his head, looking very concerned over my mental wellbeing. "I'm a pirate, Miss Sakura."

I pinched the bridge of my nose to ward off the headache this boy was giving me. "Fine, you're a pirate."

Tobi threw out his chest importantly. "Damn straight."

I sighed and attempted civility. "Well, Mr. Pirate, would you mind telling me how we get out of here?" I asked.

Tobi tilted his head adorably to the side in confusion. "Where do you want to go?"

"Up," I answered immediately. "To the roof."

Tobi smiled and raised a finger in the air as if he'd just thought of something. "To go up, you must first get out."

"But _how_ do I get out?" I asked him, my tone bordering on impatience.

Tobi's grin widened. "Through the door, of course!" He said, pointing to a tiny door on the wall that wasn't big enough for a Ferbie, let alone a person. Before I could ask how I was possibly supposed to fit through, Tobi walked straight to me and dragged me over to the desk. There, he picked up the glass bottle that contained dark purple liquid. "To go through the door, you have to drink this." He explained.

I eyed it cautiously. "What is it?"

"A potion to make you shrink: blackberry wine." Tobi answered cheerily.

I bristled at the suggestion that I drink wine. I was way too young. "I can't drink wine yet!" What was wrong with this dormouse pirate? Was he trying to get me drunk?

Tobi shrugged. "Suit yourself. I'm a pirate, so I can drink wine all the time. If you don't drink too, you'll be stuck in here forever." He picked up the tiny plate of pancakes, placed them on the floor at his feet, and then took a large swig of the wine.

Before my very eyes, he began to shrink inside his clothing until all that remained was a pile of garments on the floor beside the bottle of blackberry wine and the miniature stack of pancakes. I stared fixedly in horror until, finally, a miniature-sized version of Tobi emerged from the folds of cloth wearing an outfit very similar to the one he'd been wearing at full size. "Well, I'll see you later, Miss Sakura, if Zetsu doesn't kill you!" His tiny voice echoed around the room as he grabbed the pancakes for some reason I couldn't fathom, turned on his heel, and ran for the door, disappearing into the darkness beyond it.

I stood absolutely still for several minutes. "Err… What just happened?" I asked aloud, since no one was around to hear me anyway. It couldn't possibly be true that blackberry wine could actually make you shrink… right?

"I don't know, but that guy was pretty cute." A terrifyingly familiar voice spoke. I turned towards the source and found… me, sitting on the edge of Ebisu's desk with one lean leg crossed over the other, wearing a mini skirt that rode up indecently high on my thighs paired with a tube top that exposed more midriff than I was comfortable with. In my hands was a lump of purple playdoh that I was molding into an obscene shape. Across this other me's forehead were the words "Inner Sakura."

"W-Who are you?" I asked, stumbling away from the sight of me holding a purple playdoh penis.

The other me looked up from her playdoh creation and raised a sardonic brow, as if I should already know the answer to my seemingly stupid question. "Don't you _know?_ I'm _you,_ of course." She answered.

"But that's impossible." I argued. "I'm me."

She sighed and held the back of her hand to her forehead, as if she were feeling faint. "The fallacy of man, I'm afraid. People often have a hard time seeing their better parts, which is why you hardly ever see me. Sometimes, though, you can hear me, and that's a start, I suppose." She said all this with a shrug as she fixed her playdoh creation to Gaara's head. She turned to smirk at me. "Get it? Gaara's a dick head." She began giggling insanely. Gaara just scowled.

I ignored her lewd humor. "_You're_ the best part of me?"

Inner Sakura suddenly stopped laughing and placed a perfectly manicured finger to her chin in thought. "Well, I'm certainly the _coolest_ part of your personality. Without me, you wouldn't be half as interesting as you are." She hopped off of the desk and stooped over to pick up the bottle of blackberry wine off of the floor and held it out to me. "Now, drink this wine and go after Tobi. Ask him to take you to the hatter, and the hatter will tell you how to get to the roof." She instructed.

I eyed the wine suspiciously. I was sure a sip couldn't hurt, but something continued to nag at me. "But how do I get back to normal size?" I asked.

"Eat the French toast that Tobi took with him; it will make you grow." She explained.

"Tobi took pancakes." I corrected her politely.

"But now it's French toast." Inner Sakura said with a happy grin.

"I don't understand. How do pancakes become French toast?" I asked.

"Because that's just how it _works._" She retorted with an edge of impatience leaking into her voice. "Everything is capable of change: pancakes can become French toast, science teachers can become pedophiles, and _you_ can become _small_." She emphasized, shoving the blackberry wine bottle into my hands.

"Wait… what was that second one?" I asked.

"Just drink the wine!" She snapped.

"Okay, okay. Jeez!" I took the wine, put the bottle to my lips, tilted my head back, and downed the contents. It tasted like soda.

A tingling sensation flooded my body and suddenly I was shrinking, my clothes getting looser and looser. Before I knew it, I was sitting naked in the darkness of my clothes. I tore off part of my shirt from my sleeve and wrapped it around me like a towel before finally crawling out.

Inner Sakura, a literal giant, looked down at me before she shrunk down to my size, only her clothes shrunk with her. "You drank the blackberry wine, too?" I inquired.

"No, but I'm not actually real, so I don't need it to change size." She answered. "Now, hurry up and go after Tobi. You're too slow; you're going to lose him!"

I looked over my shoulder at the door then back at her. "Are you coming with me?" I asked.

She smacked my head. "Dummy! I am you, so I'm always with you. Even if you can't see me."

Somehow, even though I wasn't entirely too fond of this inappropriate, aggressive version of myself, I was comforted to know she was on my side. Maybe her brazen attitude could manifest itself into bravery, something I desperately needed. I nodded, and she faded into nothingness right before my eyes. I turned back towards the door and made a run for it.

The door opened up into to a long, dark tunnel, but I could see a faint speck of light at the end. I felt like running, so I did, all the way down the passage. After several minutes I emerged onto the school's campus. I looked left and right, but I didn't see Tobi anywhere. "Now, if I were a dormouse, where would I go?" I asked aloud.

Suddenly, I heard the slap of rubber against pavement behind me as if somebody in sneakers were running. When I turned to investigate, sure enough, I saw a redheaded boy with white rabbit ears and a fluffy cotton-white tail wearing jeans and a t-shirt. He carried a mysterious bag and was running towards me at an inhuman speed.

"Shit! Shit! Shit! I'm fucking late! Shit, goddamn! That blond bastard is always late and I always give him crap for it and now if _I'm_ late to _his_ party, I'll never hear the end of it!" The redhead swore fluently as he ran and ran and ran. "Shit! Shit! Shitshitshit goddamn fuck!" He yelled.

Finally he reached me and although he seemed to have every intention of continuing his dash, instead he screeched to a sudden stop, the rubber soles of his sneakers leaving burn marks on the pavement. He flashed me a narcissistic smirk and ran a hand through his messy crimson hair, brushing his white bunny ears back in the process. "Why, hello there." He greeted me in a very pick-up line type voice.

I blinked in surprise. "Hi."

"I'm on my way to a party." He said nonchalantly, jutting his thumb over his shoulder. "Want to come with me?"

I took a step back from him, because it just felt like he was way too close. "Er, that sounds nice and all, but I'm actually looking for a dormouse, so if you'd just excuse me…" I said, turning to go the other way.

The boy blinked in surprise. "A dormouse?"

I whirled around to look at him hopefully. "Do you know him?"

He shrugged. "Hard to say. There are a lot of dormice around here. Is this dormouse a stripper? Or maybe he's a ninja? I know a few of those."

I shook my head. "No, the one I'm looking for is a pirate that thinks he's an elephant and wishes he were a panda."

The boy nodded in understanding. "Ah, so you're looking for Tobi, then."

"That's the one!" I beamed. "Do you know where I could find him?"

"He'll be at the party, of course." The boy said.

"Where's the party?" I asked.

"You can't go." He said. "At least, not dressed like that. Try this on." He tossed me his bag.

I caught it and went behind a nearby tree to change. The bag contained a skanky outfit complete with cat ears and a collar. At least it was an improvement over the makeshift dress. "I'm not wearing the ears." I said as I came out from behind the tree clad in a micro miniskirt and corset top. My new clothes were blue and white, but for some reason I felt that they should be black and pink. After all, the last time I'd worn this it had been black and pink. Wait… _had_ I worn this before? "Now can you take me to this party?"

"It's probably for the best." The boy grinned, proffering his arm. I hooked my arm in his, and as we proceeded down the path, he finally introduced himself. "My name's Sasori, by the way."

"Sakura," I told him as we walked down the lane towards the dorms.

We arrived at the front of the dorm building but he did not enter through the door. Instead, he led me around to the side of the building where the balconies were. Attached to the roof was a rope ladder that stretched all the way down the building to brush the grass at our feet. "Ladies first," Sasori offered.

"Why can't we just go through the front door?" I asked.

"We don't want to be caught." He answered mysteriously, unable to keep a huge grin off of his face.

I shrugged and began to climb the ladder. Sasori followed quickly behind me. As we ascended, I abruptly realized why he'd been so chivalrous. Sure enough, when I looked down, Sasori was right behind me, looking up my skirt. "PERVERT!" I yelled and kicked him in the face.

He somehow managed to hold on. "Alright, alright, you caught me. Let me go ahead of you." He offered, and resumed climbing until he was on top of me, clinging to the portion of the ladder that I was already grasping tightly. When he was completely on top of me, he paused. "Not the worst position ever, eh, Sakura?"

"Keep moving, pervert." I growled.

With a low chuckle, Sasori continued climbing and I followed after him until we reached the correct balcony. The only thing there was a large cactus with a nametag that read, "Hello, my name is SPIKE." The cactus was also wearing a tie. Sasori didn't even spare it a glance as he squeezed through a round hole in the balcony's glass sliding door. I hesitantly followed; wondering why in the world there was a hole in the glass in the first place.

The room inside was long and narrow and dominated by an enormous table. Tobi, the pirate-dormouse-wannabe-panda was there, and the tiny plate of French toast (formerly pancakes) was placed on the table beside him. Across from him was a man with bright orange hair and floppy, light-brown rabbit ears. His face was dominated by piercings and he was drinking heavily from a tea cup filled with an amber liquid that looked suspiciously like beer. At the sight of me, he dropped his tea cup. "Sakura?" He asked.

"So she says." Sasori said, pulling out a chair and taking a seat, slouching. "But I'm not convinced."

"What do you mean? I _am_ Sakura." I said, irritated that they were ignoring me. "Who are you?"

The brown-eared rabbit looked startled. "The March Hare," He whispered. "Pein. Don't you remember me, Sakura?"

I bit my lip. "I'm sorry, no. Have we met?"

Without warning, Pein dissolved into sobs and began throwing teacups at the wall. He was clearly distraught, pulling at his ears and upending chairs. "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE?" He cried before he finally stopped smashing saucers and crockery, passed out in his seat, and slid under the table.

"Oi, Tobi." Sasori suddenly barked, completely ignoring Pein's little tirade. "Where's the hatter? He's late and he knows I hate to be kept waiting." I froze in my seat as I turned to look at the white rabbit. I'd almost forgotten I was supposed to be looking for the hatter.

Tobi glanced curiously at Pein under the table. "When I told him I'd met a girl with pink hair, he left."

"He can't possibly believe that she's the right girl, could he?" Sasori scoffed, gesturing to me.

I huffed. "And what's that supposed to mean?"

Sasori drank from his tea cup before answering. "You're too timid to be the right girl."

I bristled at the insult before realizing he was right. I _had_ been timid recently…it was rather unlike me. My thoughts spun to Inner Sakura. It was because I'd lost her that I'd lost my more brazen half. I needed her back, and something told me that if I found the hatter, I'd become whole again. "I'm going to go find the hatter." I informed them as haughtily as I could manage, and then turned around without a backward glance and left through the hole I'd entered by.

The ladder had vanished but that didn't matter. There's always a pool next to a balcony, after all. I climbed onto the railing and leapt. The air rushed by me as I fell. I let out an exhilarated laugh as I landed a few stories down in a cold pool. As I surfaced, wiping water from my eyes, I noticed the size of the pool. It was massive, and it wasn't the only thing. Staring at me from the edge of the water stood a man the size of a house. He seemed rather put out. "Ma'am. You're not staying at this hotel. Please stop swimming fully clothed in our pool." He said.

I ignored him, floating on my back for a minute. "It's been awhile since I jumped into a pool from a balcony." I mused.

"Does this mean you're starting to remember, Sakura?" A voice asked.

I wrenched my gaze from the azure sky and looked to the edge of the pool. The giant man, clearly an employee of the hotel, was returning to the building, but he wasn't the one who'd spoken. Finally I spotted the source of the voice sitting in a nearby lifeguard stand. He looked to be about eighteen or nineteen years old, with dark hair and striking red eyes framed by dark circles. He wore a caterpillar costume. I splashed some water his way in an attempt to get his attention but he didn't look at me. Instead, he focused his attention on his laptop while simultaneously causally smoking a hookah. Even smoking in a giant caterpillar costume, he was still attractive.

"Remember what?" I asked.

He glanced up at me briefly. "Yourself." He answered.

I treaded water for a moment and then decided to swim over the edge where he was. Resting my arms on the ledge I asked, "Do we know each other?"

The boy smirked. "I know Sakura. You are merely a part of her. I know the true Sakura, so, by extension, I also know you." He said.

"What do you mean? I _am_ Sakura."

"You are." He agreed. "A part. A very small part."

"But that's ridiculous." I shook my head in denial. "All of me is right here. This is just who I am."

The boy leveled his penetrating gaze once more upon me. I flinched from the intensity of his red eyes. "This pool you're swimming in is made up of all the tears Sakura has cried in her life." He explained. "You, alone, couldn't possibly cry this many tears, no matter how much hardship you've faced. You're simply too small for it to be possible."

"I'm only small because I drank the potion to leave the room with the small door." I told him.

"And you left the room so that you could get to the roof where you'll find the rest of you." He responded. Suddenly he changed the subject "You've been here before and you were able to get out that time, but this time won't be so easy. A lot has changed since you've been gone."

I pulled myself out of the pool, dripping water on the ground, and looked up at him in his lifeguard stand. "I've never been here before in my life."

The caterpillar turned back to his laptop and took another hit from his hookah before blowing shimmering bubbles from his mouth into the air. "It was a long time ago. I'm not surprised you don't remember."

I gave up trying to reason with him. "Do you know how to find the hatter?" I asked, changing tactics.

He looked over at me again. "I don't, but perhaps the cat will tell you. You have something he wants, after all."

I ignored the mysterious tone that had entered his voice. "How do I find the cat?"

"You don't." He answered. "The cat will find you when you're a little more Sakura than you are now."

I stomped my feet in frustration. "But I _am_ Sakura!" I snapped, overwhelmed by this strange world and wanting to get out so badly that angry tears began to prick at the corners of my eyes.

The boy smirked. He really needed to stop doing that. He was being so infuriatingly obstinate that I was tempted to slap that stupid smirk right off his gorgeous face. "Indeed you are, but only barely. That anger is proof that you're a little more Sakura than you were just a moment ago. The rest of you is probably on the roof, but you can't get there without the key and only the Red Queen has the key."

"The Red Queen?" I repeated, confused.

"Or the Queen of Hearts." He said. "Whichever you prefer, really."

"Then all I need to do is ask her for the key, right?" I asked hopefully. That seemed a lot easier than finding the elusive hatter.

"You'll need the White Queen's help to do that. The Red Queen is quite a difficult woman to find."

"And where is the White Queen?" I asked grumpily. This was getting complicated again.

"Exiled, I'm afraid. The hatter is the only one who knows the way to her castle." He blew shimmering bubbles right in my face.

"Alright," I pouted. "Let me get this straight. I find the cat to find the hatter to find the White Queen to get the key from the Red Queen to get to the roof and, thus, the rest of me, correct?"

"That is correct." The boy said.

I sighed. I was afraid he'd say that. I turned on my heel to get started on finding the cat and, hopefully, a little bit more of myself when something occurred to me. I turned back to the caterpillar. "What's your name?"

The boy paused and glanced at me from the corner of his eye. "Itachi."

"Itachi," I repeated, trying it out on my tongue. It seemed familiar, although I couldn't imagine why. "Thanks for your help."

"Don't come visit me again until you're completely Sakura." He told me, not looking up from his laptop.

I grinned. "Okay!" I agreed and turned again, walking out of the pool area and back onto the boardwalk. It didn't matter that I'd leapt off a balcony in a school in Northern California and landed in a pool in Southern California...I decided that I liked this place.

I had not gone far along the boardwalk when I noticed a tattoo and piercing shop called the Rinnengan. On a whim, I decided to go in. Inside the store were racks of merchandise, a counter for making purchases, a bookcase filled with binders of tattoo designs and piercing information, and a maze of privacy booths for customers. However, even with all these things cluttering the space, it still felt empty. It might have been the way the sun poured in through the windows, casting long shadows and illuminating dust in the air, or how my footsteps echoed even though the room was filled.

There weren't any customers but I guessed that was to be expected. This shop was on a beach boardwalk and it was the off-season. They'd probably closed the shop down until Memorial Day. Wait, was I trespassing? The door hadn't been locked…

Before I could scurry out and avoid incarceration in the local jail, two men walked in. Both had short, soft green hair, styled into casual disarray. One of them was albino pale. The other had black skin, and he wasn't even African American black, but actually _black_. As in the color. They appeared to be arguing.

"I'll find the bastard…" The black one vowed darkly. His words promised a world of pain for whoever had wronged him.

The white one flinched. "That seems a little… dramatic. It was probably an accident."

The black one growled under his breath as his face twisted into a murderous mask of hate when the white one spoke again.

"Are you a customer?" He asked, looking at me for the first time.

I started, realizing he was talking to me. "Err… no, not really, I just wandered in."

The black man looked at the white one. "Can I kill her?"

I blanched and backed away.

"No." The white one said, but not very firmly. "She's just a girl. There's no reason to kill her."

"She might be the one who killed Gertrude." The black one pressed.

The white one thought for a moment before addressing me again. "Did you kill Gertrude?" He asked.

I remembered the plant I'd squashed and Tobi's warning to beware of a man named Zetsu. One of these men, I realized, must have been Zetsu. "No. Who's Gertrude?" I lied, feigning ignorance. Lying is bad, but being murdered by a strange man with pitch black skin was worse.

"She's lying." The black one commented.

"I don't know…" The white one drawled, striding closer to me. "I don't think she is."

I smiled to reassure him that he was correct even though he wasn't. "So…" I began casually, "Who are you guys?"

"I'm Zetsu Tweedle Dum." The white one answered innocently.

I nodded, trying not to run now that I knew he was the mysterious Zetsu and turned to the black one, waiting for his name.

He glared at me and spoke to Zetsu. "Tobi said it was Sakura and Sakura has pink hair." He said. "How many pink haired girls do _you_ know?" He asked sarcastically.

I gulped. I thought Zetsu was supposed to be the scary one… Not this other guy.

"Zetsu…" The white one said irritably.

"Wait, you're both Zetsu?" I asked with horror.

The white Zetsu nodded. "That's Zetsu Tweedle Dee." He explained, jutting his thumb over his shoulder at the black one. "_Are_ you Sakura?"

I hesitated. "No." I lied but I reasoned that it wasn't _really_ a lie because, according to Itachi, I wasn't the real Sakura anyway.

The white Zetsu sighed. "Tobi is a good boy, but he sure can be an idiot. I thought the real Sakura had finally come back to California." He said, disappointment leaking into his voice.

"But isn't this Wonderland?" I asked.

The black Zetsu looked amused. "California _is_ Wonderland." He answered.

"Looks like we got our hopes up for nothing," the white Zetsu shrugged.

"Sorry," I apologized and began to inch backwards towards the exit. "I'll just be going now."

They watched me leave but made no move to stop me. I was almost out of the door when the black Zetsu said something. "Baywatch."

I turned to look at him over my shoulder. "Pardon?"

He almost looked upset instead of his customary apathetic/slightly insane. "I guess you really aren't Sakura. I wonder when she'll come back."

"Good luck with that." I said nervously, and hurried out the door. I walked hurriedly back down the boardwalk from whence I came and entered Itachi's pool area again.

"What do you want now?" He asked without looking at me. "I told you not to come back."

"I know, and I'm sorry, but I have to ask you one more thing. I just met someone named Zetsu and he said something funny. He said he'd got his hopes up after he heard that Sakura—I mean, _I_ returned to California and I was wondering why. Why was he waiting for my supposed return?" I asked.

Itachi blew more shimmering bubbles into the sky. "A lot has changed since you've been gone and, and the Red Queen seized power in your absence. Most people in California are hoping you can set it right again."

I sighed. This wasn't very helpful. I'd never been here before, after all. "Thank you." I said without meaning it and departed for the second time. I began walking down the boardwalk again, this time bypassing Rinnengan completely. As I walked, I thought about the hatter. I needed to find him, but I had no idea how. I sighed and leaned against the railing, putting my hands in the pockets of the skirt.

Strangely enough, I felt a small scrap of paper in the bottom of my pocket. I pulled it out. It was a used lottery ticket for the Power Ball and the numbers entered into it were 2, 7, 6, 35, 1, and 4. "What the hell is this?" I asked aloud.

It was another in a long list of questions that I had been asking myself recently. Was it normal to be this confused all the time?

"Excuse me, but can I have that?" A voice from nowhere asked. I was really getting sick of those. Couldn't they manifest _before_ speaking to me, just once?

Startled, I glanced around me, but saw nothing. "Who's there?"

A deep chuckle reached my ears as I turned just in time to see a dark skinned man with stitch-like tattoos, a striped shirt, jeans, black hair, and furry purple cat ears appear, all the while grinning like there was no tomorrow. "It's only me," He said. "You're Sakura, aren't you? Only Sakura could have that." He pointed to the lottery ticket. "Funny, you seem different than the last time I saw you."

I clutched the paper closer to myself. It meant nothing to me, but something about a floating man with cat ears made me wary. And that made me not want to give it to him. Especially if he wasn't going to ask nicely. "What do you mean? We've never met before." Why in the world did everybody seem to think that they knew me all of a sudden?

He chuckled darkly again. "Seems like you've forgotten; allow me to remind you. My name is Kakuzu and I'm the Cheshire Cat. The last time we met, you pulled my hair, jumped on my back, and called me a bitch."

I had no idea what he was talking about. "You're the cat?" I queried hopefully. "Can you tell me how to find the hatter?"

"The hatter? What for?" Kakuzu asked, eying the lottery ticket I had clasped in my hands.

"To take me to the White Queen," I explained.

He made a face of disgusted amusement. "The White Queen." He repeated. He relished the name for a moment, rolling it around in his mouth with sick satisfaction before refocusing his attention on me. "Give me that ticket, and I'll tell you where to find the hatter."

I reasoned quickly that the ticket wasn't worth anything to me and handed it over. "Now, tell me where to find him."

Kakuzu smiled happily. "Where he always waits for you, of course." The cat answered. "You must at least remember that place, right?"

I shook my head no, but then paused mid-shake as it occurred to me that I did know where the cat was talking about. I knew exactly where. Somehow, I just _knew_. I looked back at Kakuzu. He was gazing lovingly at his lottery ticket. I snatched it back. He glared at me. I waved it in front of his face. "I need a ride."

His scowl deepened. "Yeah, you're Sakura, alright." He put his hand on my shoulder and suddenly, before I could blink, we were standing in a grassy field.

I flinched in shock. "How did we get here so fast?" I asked in disbelief.

"I Apparated." Kakuzu explained. My look of confusion did not go away. He coughed. "I'm a wizard, after all." He was lying. My disbelief was evident as I continued to stare at him curiously. "It's a loop hole, okay? The point is, you're here now, so just don't question it!" He yelled, grabbed my ticket back from me, turned on his heel, and vanished right before my eyes.

Before I could even _begin_ to sort what had just happened, a boy yelling "SAKURA" at the top of his lungs decked me. "You're back, un!" He said happily, rolling around in the grass with me in his arms, crushing me in a bear hug.

For the first time since I'd arrived, the name rose to my lips before I could ask. "Deidara," I whispered, knowing that was the right name. "Deidara," I said louder this time and he finally stopped rolling.

Interestingly enough, the position in which we ended up in resulted in him lying on top of me. He leaned away briefly to give me room to breath and I finally got a good look at him. He had long, blonde hair that fell freely past his shoulders, clear blue eyes, sun kissed skin, and a knee length, much-abused jacket on over a v-neck t-shirt and jeans. Precariously balanced atop his head was a tiny top hat tilted rakishly to the side with a dark blue ribbon wrapped around it. "I knew you'd be back, un."

I smiled. Something about this hatter, who was vaguely familiar, made me feel entirely comfortable.

"Missed me, didn't you, un?" He asked smugly.

A vein pulsed in my forehead. "As if!" I snapped, pushing him off of me.

He rolled over onto his back with a grin still plastered to his face. "I knew you'd be back, Sakura, un." He repeated to the sky as he sprawled out in the grass with evident delight.

I rolled my eyes. "And how'd you know that?" I asked sarcastically, crossing my arms as I sat up.

Deidara's eyes shifted in my direction, clear and innocent. "Because you belong here, un." He answered.

The intimate way he said it made me blush. I stood up hastily and kicked him softly in the side. "Stop flirting and get up. I need you to take me to the White Queen."

Deidara just kept grinning as he stood up, brushed off some grass, and bowed gallantly to me. "As you wish, my lady, un." He said jokingly. "We shall go to see the White Queen, un. And, as is tradition, we shall _skip_ to her castle as if we were frolicking through a large field of flowers, un!" He declared this all very loudly and then punctuated his statement with an enthusiastic fist pump whereupon he promptly began to skip and frolic away from me.

I followed him at a walk.

He paused and glared over his shoulder at me. "This is never going to work unless you frolic, Sakura, un." He said darkly.

I sighed. "Isn't there any other way to get to the White Queen's other than frolicking?" I asked, aggravated.

He put his finger to his chin in thought. "I guess we could _walk_, un." He pondered.

"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?" I screeched.

He paused and appraised me like I should already know the answer. "Because frolicking is more fun, don't you think, un?"

I slapped my own forehead. "What man willingly frolics?" I asked.

Deidara tugged out the waistband of his jeans so that he could look down his pants, then looked back up at me. "Well, I've just realized that _I'm_ a man, so I guess I do, un." He said seriously.

"You just realized you were a man?" I exclaimed, exasperated.

"Well, I had a feeling I was, but I've just checked, you see, just to be sure, and I've realized I was right, un." Deidara said.

I was running out of adjectives to describe how flustered I was, so I changed the subject. "What is the easiest, fastest, least _embarrassing_ way to get to the White Queen's castle?" I asked.

A motorcycle appeared beside Deidara. "We could take my motorcycle, un." He said, pointing at it as if it had been there all along.

"THERE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE ANY MOTORCYCLES IN WONDERLAND!" I protested vehemently.

Deidara raised an eyebrow. "And, yet, here one is, un." He smiled and got astride the Harley. Flabbergasted, I admitted defeat, walked over to Deidara, and got onto the bike behind him. "I can't believe you don't like frolicking, Sakura, un." He said this with a disappointed sigh before kicking the bike into gear and speeding off at a breakneck pace into the sunset, because clichés seem to like me.

A few hours later, as we raced along the road under the glow of the moon, I began to make out the faint outline of a castle in the distance. As we came upon it, I realized that it was much too big; giants must dwell within it. "Why is it so big?" I asked Deidara when he finally killed the engine and dismounted from the bike.

"It's not big, un." He explained. "It's just that we're small; I drank some wine too, un."

I nodded in understanding. That explained why the pool attendant at that hotel had been so giant and why I had been the same size as Itachi, who was a caterpillar. I'd forgotten that I'd become small. "It's really late," I commented. "Is it okay to disturb the White Queen at this hour?" She _was_ royalty, after all.

Deidara made a face. "He'll deal with it, un." He said, and pushed open the gigantic wooden doors to the castle.

For a minute, I wondered what he meant by 'he' but I was silenced by the awesome sight that greeted me upon entering the castle. The opulence was blinding, but Deidara wasn't fazed. He dragged me past the foyer, up the giant stairs, and into a room with two elegant, albeit large, chairs. In one sat a blue haired normal sized woman, so to me she appeared to be a veritable giant. She was wearing a long snow-white gown with pale blue detailing. When she spotted us her face lit up with a smile.

The other chair was empty, but it had to belong to the man who was currently stomping around the room. He had white hair, pale skin, purple eyes, and was wearing a woman's dress, complete with white pumps. He stomped his feet, nearly cracking his heels. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THIS CRAPPY CASTING JOB? HOW THE FUCK AM _I, _A _MAN_, THE WHITE FUCKING QUEEN? DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING DRAG QUEEN TO YOU, KONAN?" He demanded of the blue haired woman.

She turned to gaze at him apathetically and shrugged. "Kind of."

"THE FUCK IS THAT?" The man demanded, not taking any notice of Deidara and I.

"Well, Hidan, you _are_ a bit emotional." She commented.

Hidan screamed in frustration. "WELL, WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT YOUR OPINION? I'M THE WHITE QUEEN, SO WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?" He asked with a sneer.

"I'm the Ice Princess." Konan waved her hand dismissively.

"THAT'S NOT EVEN AN ALICE IN WONDERLAND CHARACTER!" He screeched. I think his voice may have entered an octave previously unknown to the human ear. Kudos to him.

"That doesn't really matter." She said. "I'm so loved as a side character in this story that they just _had_ to make room for me."

"BUT YOU COULDN'T BE THE WHITE FUCKING QUEEN, COULD YOU?" I wondered if he ever got tired of having a one sided argument.

Konan smirked. "It's funnier this way."

"FUNNIER MY ASS!"

"Don't get your knickers in a knot, Queen-y, and greet your guests." Konan said and gestured to us.

Hidan turned to look at us and his face drained of color. "Sakura, I swear, I'm not a fucking cross dresser." He promised, kneeling down to get at least a little closer to my size.

I held up my hand. "It's okay, it's not my place to judge your… err… hobbies." I told him gently.

Hidan looked heartbroken and collapsed in despair.

Deidara appealed to Konan. "This is Sakura." He introduced me.

"Yes, I can see that." Konan said. "Let me guess. You're here to get instructions on how to defeat the Red Queen, correct?"

I nodded.

Konan sighed. "How heroic of you. And just in time, too. Tobi just changed his facebook status." She informed us, pulling out her iPhone, opening it to facebook, and displaying it to us. "Apparently, he's been captured by the Knave of Hearts."

I looked at her phone. It read: Tobi was just captured by the Knave of Hearts with Sasori and Pein and the Zetsus! Somebody please help me! I'm a good boy, and my name isn't Pablo! I don't wanna die!

Below that was a Facebook check-in, saying that Tobi the Dormouse, Sasori the White Rabbit, Pein the March Hare, Zetsu Tweedle Dee and Zetsu Tweedle Dum were in the bowels of the Red Queen's palace.

"Err… Is there really supposed to be facebook in Wonderland?" I asked tentatively.

"Oh, Tobi just tweeted the same thing!" Konan exclaimed, ignoring me.

I sweat dropped. Twitter, too? _Really?_

"Anyway," she continued. "To defeat the Red Queen, you must—"

"STOP!" Hidan suddenly yelled, regaining consciousness. "You're just a side character." He said to Konan. "I, a main character and well-fucking-endowed _man_, will be explaining this important plot point to them so you can just go to college off screen now, okay?" Konan huffed but Hidan ignored her and turned towards Deidara and I. "To defeat the Red Queen, just be yourself, okay?"

"That sounds kinda… corny." I admitted.

"It doesn't fucking matter how corny it is. That fucking psycho thinks she's the main character since you've been gone. So just march in there and assert your fucking authority as the heroine of this story and get the key to the roof and get home, okay?" Hidan said.

I nodded. "I think I kind of understand…"

"Good." He gave me a thumbs up. "Deidara, you take her to the Red Queen's castle and make sure the others get out alright. If you see Kakuzu there, though, kill him, 'cause I fuckin _hate_ that guy. And if you fucking do anything to Sakura on the way, I'll fucking rip your dick off, got it?"

Deidara blinked then grinned. "Of course, un!"

Hidan kept glaring at Deidara. Deidara just kept smiling. Hidan growled. "Go, already!" He finally yelled.

"Okay, un!" Deidara agreed, grabbed my hand, and began to walk off, dragging me along.

"STOP FUCKING TOUCHING HER!" Hidan yelled after us, but Deidara showed no sign that he heard him. His hand stayed entwined with mine.

I turned, and just as we were leaving the room I waved goodbye to Konan. She smiled and mouthed the words 'good luck'.

Outside of the castle, we both straddled the motorcycle again. I waited for Deidara to start it, but we didn't move. I patted him on the back. "Hey, Deidara, are we going to leave anytime soon?" I asked him.

Deidara turned to look at me over his shoulder. "You sure you can handle this, un? You seem a little… off today, un."

I _was_ off. I needed the rest of me back as soon as possible. I missed my psychotic inner self. Who else could I blame for my own inappropriate behavior? And, even without the promise of self, I still wanted to help that adorable dormouse, the perverted bunny, that psychotic, overly pieced hare, and those creepy Zetsu guys. They were weird, but they were funny. Where would I be without them? I nodded. "I'm fine. I have to do this." I told him and squeezed my arms wrapped around his stomach.

Deidara smiled. "You _are_ Sakura, un." He said, as if there were ever any doubt. "Well, for the sake of future frolicking, we shall go forward, un!" He declared, and the motorcycle beneath us roared to life. He gripped his steering bars, I hung onto him for dear life, and we were off. As we sped away, the tires of the bike tore up the flowers Deidara so liked to skip through in a frolicking manner. Too bad, so sad.

For several long hours, all we did was drive through the night. I couldn't tell one turn from the next but Deidara seemed to know exactly where he was going. At one point, he stopped, dismounted, said hello to a squirrel for no apparent reason, and then got back on the bike and continued to drive as if nothing unusual had just occurred. I had a lurking suspicion we might have been going in circles, but for the time being I was content with watching Deidara.

I had to keep my center of gravity centered on the bike and resist leaning or risk falling off, but I still caught glimpses of his face form time to time when we made turns or when he turned to look at something: a mobile piñata, some flowers with faces on them, et cetera. His jacket made a surprisingly comfy pillow for me to lean my cheek against as I watched the night fly past us. The stars were out, and I could see more of them than I had in a long time.

Finally, as the night dragged on, the stars lost their novelty, and the outline of a palace, more massive that the White Queen's ten times over, appeared out of the inky blackness. Deidara stopped the bike. "We'll have to walk from here, un."

I nodded and dismounted. Something about the situation made me think that ninja stealthy silence was required.

Deidara grinned. "Well, let us go, and _ninja_ in the _night_, un!" He stage whispered, crouched, and began doing somersaults like a ninja, all along singing some deluded song about ninja in the night (_A/N: it's from a youtube video called "ninja of the night"_).

I followed behind him, shaking my head all the way. When the ninja song ended, he switched to Rebecca Black. Every time I hit him to make him shut up, he just changed to a new song.

By the time I had smacked him upside the head he had run through his entire repertoire of Justin Beiber, Hannah Montana, and Jonas Brothers. When he finally stopped, I noticed that we had reached the moat surrounding the Red Queen's palace. Floating in the moat were hundreds upon hundreds of CPR dummies. I grimaced. Even though they weren't real people, it was still an eerie sight. I turned to Deidara. "How do we get across?"

Deidara pondered for a moment before coming to a conclusion. He dug around inside his pocket for a minute and pulled out a slice of French toast that I inherhently knew was formerly a pancake. "With this, un!" He announced with a flourish and shoved the whole thing into his mouth. The effect was instantaneous and he began to grow. Miraculously, his clothes grew with him.

"How come your clothes grew too?" I yelled up at him when he was normal person size again.

"Because you are mentally incapable of imagining me naked, un." He answered with a smirk as he bent over to offer his palm to me. I scrambled aboard and Deidara brought me to eye level. "Now, remember, you need to free the others before you confront the Red Queen, okay, un?" He told me with uncharacteristic seriousness.

"I still don't understand how I'm supposed to get inside." I told him, eyeing him suspiciously. How was he returning to full size supposed to help us infiltrate the castle?

Deidara just grinned and took off his top hat and tied me to it using the blue ribbon. Finally, as he took a stance similar to one about to throw a Frisbee, I realized what he was doing. "Oh, no, Deidara, don't do thiiiiiiis!" I squealed as he threw the hat across the moat and over the castle wall.

I landed in a large garden. I struggled out of the confining ribbon and stumbled forward dizzily. The hat ride had been ridiculously disorienting. The sun was coming up now, so it was getting lighter, but my head was spinning and I could hardly see where I was going anyway. Before I knew it, I had bumped into somebody.

I fell backwards on my bottom. When I looked up, I realized I'd run into the White Rabbit, Sasori.

"Sakura, what are you doing here?" He asked in a rushed whisper, offering me a hand to help me up.

I took his hand and allowed him to hoist me to my feet. "I'm here to save you, of course. The hatter brought me."

"The hatter? That blonde bastard actually made himself useful?" Sasori asked, surprised.

I put my hands on my hips. "What have you got against the hatter?"

Sasori laughed. "Nothing, nothing. I only get to say those things about him because we're friends." He admitted. Then, abruptly, his grin disappeared. "Wait a minute! You're not supposed to be here. If the Queen or the Knave find you, they'll treat you like a Pablo!"

"The Knave?" I repeated, curiously.

"The Queen's most loyal servant. He used to be one of us, but now he's a traitor. He's the one that captured me and the others." Sasori explained in a rush, pushing me back behind a hedge.

"What do you mean they'll treat me like a Pablo?" I asked.

"The Knave, and I think the Queen too, hate everybody named Pablo. They have a special torturing chamber in the bowels of the castle for people named Pablo."

I paused. "The bowels of the castle… isn't that supposed to be where you are? I thought you were captured. What are you doing out here?"

Sasori gestured to his new red dress shirt, black tie, black slacks, and bright red shoes. "The Queen only imprisons the Pablos forever. The rest of us she considers a waste of good torturing space, so she makes her prisoners into her personal attendants. Right now I'm out here checking for fairies. The Queen loves fairies."

I blinked. "Fairies." I repeated skeptically.

Sasori nodded, looking like he completely expected my doubt and thought the Queen was crazy, too. Then he shook his head to clear his thoughts. "Never mind that now. You've come to defeat the Queen, right?"

I nodded.

"Good. Eat this French toast and return to full size. Then, sneak into the castle and find the throne room and confront the Queen." Sasori instructed me, handing me a piece of French toast he'd pulled from his pocket.

"Shouldn't she be sleeping?" I inquired curiously.

"Demons don't need sleep." Sasori said darkly. "Now, eat."

I did as instructed and felt myself beginning to grow. I actually grew right out of my clothes. Sasori, looking up at me from the ground, fainted from a nosebleed. I rolled my eyes, and moved from behind the hedge and scurried to the castle door. This was obviously a back door, as it wasn't very grand.

I pushed it open and hurried inside and up a servants flight of stairs and into the first servant's quarters I could find. As it turned out, it was Tobi's. "Sakura? Wow, so it really is you! Only the real Sakura would be walking around a castle naked without a care in the world." Tobi said, sitting up from the bed. He'd also grown back to full size, as we were the same size now (though he was just a bit taller).

I went straight for his bureau. "Yeah, it's me, Tobi. What do you mean 'without a care in the world?' Of course I care that I'm running around this place naked! I need some clothes." I told him, rummaging through his wardrobe. I found some jeans that, with the help of a belt, did _not_ fall right off of me.

As I pulled on a t shirt, Tobi decided to make a comment. "Sakura's kind of sexy…"

I looked over at him, once I'd pulled the shirt over my head. "Yes, yes, I know, Tobi. You're such a good boy." I said, my ego growing three times over. "By the way, do you know the way to the Queen's throne room?" I asked.

"Keep going down this hallway until you hit the foyer. The door to her room will be on the left, you can't miss it." Tobi answered with a grin, glad to be of help.

"Thanks, Tobi!" I called to him, already heading for the door. "Make sure you get out of here too, okay? Safe and sound! Take the others with you!"

Tobi paused. "I love you, Sakura!" he called.

On reflex, I responded with: "I love you too, Mr. Pirate!"

The last thing I heard before I closed the door behind me was "I knew it was you all along."

I hurried down the hallway. When I hit the foyer, Deidara was running towards me from the other end of it. "What are you doing here?" I asked him.

"I'm so cool that I have to be here for the grand finale, un!" He declared, grinning that lopsided grin of his.

I turned to my left and saw the huge set of double doors. I looked over at Deidara, now beside me. "You ready for this?" I asked him.

"After this is all over, you have to promise to go frolicking with me, okay, un?"

I rolled my eyes, raised my hands, and pushed the door. It didn't budge. I turned back to Deidara and gave him a look that clearly said he needed to get his butt over here and help. He smirked, walked over, and began pushing against the door as well. Finally, it gave way and opened.

There was only one royal throne in the entire room, and it was occupied by a girl. She looked to be about my age. She was thin, pale, and had bright brown eyes. Her wavy black hair cascaded past her shoulders, framing her face nicely. She was wearing a fire engine red gown with black fastenings. Atop her head were two furry black ears. And she was looking at Deidara and I as one would an insect.

"Why have you come to my court?" She asked with the most pretentious edge to her voice I've ever heard. It made me want to wring her scrawny little neck.

I paused. "Um… who are you?" I asked. I felt no flicker of recognition from her. She wasn't familiar at all.

She appeared affronted. "I am the Red Queen, of course. Or the Queen of Hearts. It's a matter of preference, really."

"Yes, yes, I know _that_. But, really, what's your _name?_" I asked.

She narrowed her eyes. "Is that you, Sakura? Well, of course it is, with that obnoxious pink hair. No offence, but you look like shit."

No offence, my ass! You try going on a wild chance all day and night and let's see what _you_ look like! "Err… thanks very much, but that doesn't answer my question."

She glared. "You dare to forget the name of your master, girl?"

The doors behind Deidara and I abruptly opened and a blue man wearing a red soldier uniform strode in. "My queen, I have finished torturing every man, woman, and child named Pablo in this domain. What will you have me do nex—Sakura? Deidara?" The man suddenly broke off.

Deidara brightened. "Hey, Kisame, you traitor bastard, un!" He greeted cheerily.

Suddenly, it clicked. Kisame… Pablo… Me being a servant to this woman… I turned back to the Red Queen. "No, way… _Bonbon?"_

Bonbon grinned. "But of course. What would I be, if not a queen?"

I began laughing. After all this time, I was just up against a kitten with an over-inflated ego. "What in the world are you doing here, Bonbon?"

"Excuse me?" She asked, sneering at me.

"I'm the heroine of this story, not you." I told her.

"Your time has passed, Sakura. While you've been gone, Kisame has become mine. All the Pablos have vanished from this realm and are on their way to the next life as we speak. I've even exiled that obnoxious Sakura-worshipping White Queen. Face it; I'm the main character now. Whatcha gonna do about it?" She taunted.

"Having the most power doesn't make you the heroine of the story. Neither do nice clothes, sexy blue shark people, or even being adorable." I told her.

Bonbon flinched. "I'm just as lovable as you, Sakura, if not more so. So what makes you so special that you think _you're _the heroine of this story?"

I tilted my head to the side in thought. "Ah! I know!" I pointed at Bonbon dramatically. "I'm the narrator!"

Bonbon paused. "…Fucking narrators. I'll kill all of them. They're everywhere… narrating us..." She mumbled. (_A/N: This is a reference to TeamFourStar's Naruto Abridged Series, Episode 6: Weeaboo no Jutsu) _"You win this time, slave," Bonbon said, producing a key and holding it in front of her. "This is what you were after, right? I'll hand it over on one condition."

"What condition is that?"

"I want to keep Kisame." Bonbon said. "He's the only one who understands me."

Kisame wasn't really mine to trade, but whatever. "Deal." I vowed.

"Hey!" Kisame exclaimed, irritated.

Bonbon glared at him. "Do you not want to stay with me, Kisame?" She asked with false sweetness.

Kisame gulped. "No, it's not that. It's just, I don't want you to think I'm only staying with you because I was traded for a key. I'm here of my own free will."

Bonbon grinned. "Aww, good boy." She praised him.

Kisame actually blushed.

Deidara made a whipping sound.

Bonbon tossed the key over to me and the door to the roof magically appeared, because shit like that just _happens_. It was exactly where it had been all along. That is to say, where no door should be. Funnily enough, the door didn't require a key. Ah, the fallacy of fantasy… I picked up the key only to toss it over my shoulder. I marched bravely towards the door was about to fling it when a thought struck me.

Grinning, I turned around, grabbed Deidara by the collar of his shirt, yanked him towards me, and proceeded to kiss him senseless. "After all, I never get to do this when I'm awake." I told him when I finally released him. He grinned dazedly at me, a perfect lopsided smile. I beamed back, and leaned in to taste him one more time as I brushed my lips lightly against his. Then, with a heavy sigh, I walked back the way I had come and returned to stand once more before the door.

I did not hesitate. As I threw the door wide open and strode through, blinding white light engulfed me. Suddenly, with a jerk, I woke up in the hospital room. I glanced around, and, resting my eyes on the clock, discovered that it was the middle of the night. I yanked the morphine drip out of my arm and fell back against my pillow, exhausted. "No more pain killers for me." I vowed.

-End Chapter-

_A/N: In six weeks, Itachi will become a beautiful butterfly._

_Next Chapter: Homecoming! Should be out in 2 weeks or so…_

_Reviews are, as always, loved to the moon and back._

**_Contest!_**

**_Enjoy this Scrumdidileeumptious spin off/filler/recap chapter? Then go ahead and write your own Scrumdidileeumptious oneshot! Make it a dream or a spin off or something that happened during one of the many time skips or whatever._**

**_Have fun. Ship any pairing, at any rating. Then, post it and send me the link in a Private Message. In your authors note or summary, there should be some notice that the oneshot is for this contest._**

**_You have until Midnight (EST) of Friday, May 20, 2011 to submit your oneshot. All contest entries will be linked in my profile._**

**_All entries will be judged by myself, RoRo, and Bonbon! (They're really looking forward to it)._**

**_First, second and third place will receive fabulous prizes in the mail and special mention on my profile and in this story._**

**_By the way, I'm out of time, but the prizes are pretty cool! I'll tell you more about them later._**


	52. Homecoming

_**REPOSTED 7/9/11 WITH MINOR CHANGES!**_

_A/N: Best. Vacation. Ever. Sorry this chapter is late! Finals, Smallville, crashed computer etc etc._

_Thanks for editing, RoRo, you illiterate bitch._

_Disclaimer: My kleptomania knows no bounds._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 52**

**Homecoming**

_Recap_

"Wait, you fucking kissed Itachi?" Hidan demanded.

I shrugged. "I felt like it, so yeah, I did."

"Moreover there's still the issue of Homecoming. How about you go with everyone, Sakura?" Itachi suggested.

"Trust you to be the diplomat." I muttered. "Alright. It's decided. We'll risk my academic future on a stupid dance that we're only crashing for the hell of it. Why not?"

I meant to be sarcastic but their cheering indicated that they were in agreement. I looked over at Deidara, who normally would be excited by this sort of thing, but he was watching Itachi with the weirdest expression on his face. His expression was far from pleased. He almost looked… combative. Then, as if he could feel my gaze, he turned to me. For a split second he looked sad, but then he smiled. It didn't reach his eyes.

_End Recap_

Something about that smile nagged at me. In the back of my mind, I was actually a bit pissed off about it. Such a fake smile, one that didn't belong on Deidara's face, meant that he was lying to me. He had to be. And, after all this time, the last thing I wanted was one of the people I trusted the most to be lying to me.

_What's up with him?_ Inner Sakura asked. _Is he jealous he's not going with us exclusively or something?_

_No way. You're over thinking it. He probably just has a stomach-ache or something…_ I told her, convinced it had to be true. There was no way Deidara was jealous. He's not the type. Deidara does not go to the ladies; the ladies come to Deidara (to inquire after the hair products he used, but still). However, that obviously fake grin still bothered me, so I asked anyway. "What's wrong?"

Deidara looked confused. "Nothing, un." He answered, taking a long sip of his coke with a little _too_ much nonchalance.

"So, you're not, you know, jealous or anything, right?" I asked, because I knew it couldn't possibly be true but still wanted to allow myself to dream a little.

Deidara choked on his soda. After a forceful pat on the back courtesy of Tobi, he recovered. "WHAT? Why would I be jealous, un?"

_To-otally jealous._

_No way._

I shrugged and tried to look like it was nothing. It had been a long shot anyway. Just because Deidara looked less than thrilled about going to Homecoming didn't mean he was jealous of Itachi. It was too much of a stretch after all. "Guess not. Never mind." I brushed it off, trying to appear like I _wasn't_ just a _little _bit disappointed.

Before an awkward silence could descend upon us, though, another nurse filed in and promptly announced that Haku would be discharged this afternoon. The way Haku immediately brightened as he smiled prettily at Zabuza easily threw Deidara out of my mind. I'd never been much playing matchmaker, but this was too good to leave alone.

A plan formed hastily in my mind that was both two parts entirely insane and three parts overly stupid. This would be the _best _Homecoming _ever_. "You know what? Screw it, I don't want to go with everyone." I said and crossed my arms over my chest moodily and then turned on Haku. "Haku, will you go to Homecoming with me?" I asked with a grin.

Haku looked appropriately appalled until he saw my discreet wink. He nodded the smallest amount. "I'd love to go with you, Sakura." He agreed.

Zabuza didn't react, but there was a definite stiffness to how he stood that hadn't been there before. Suigetsu looked beyond shocked. I was afraid he may begin to convulse uncontrollably if gone unchecked.

"What are you planning, Sakura?" Kisame asked, somehow catching on to the fact that I was up to something (Kisame's gay-dar, honed from years of avoiding homosexual Pablo's, went off like a siren around Haku and he knew I knew Haku was gay, though it really didn't take a genius to figure out).

I gave Kisame a pouting look I knew he'd never be able to resist. "I'm expanding my circle of friends. What's it look like?" I lied and then put a finger to my chin in contemplation. "But if I'm going with Haku, I can't also invite Zabuza, since it's one date to a person…" I pondered. A malevolent air of evil began to gather around me like a thick cloud, making Kisame twitch in fear. This was his punishment for trying to thwart my evil plans. "Kisame, why don't you go with Zabuza?"

Kisame's face paled, leaving him a delicate shade of periwinkle blue. "Excuse me? There is no way in hell that is happening."

I blinked back tears that weren't actually coming. I gave him the puppy eyes and then allowed my eyes to deceptively flicker to his lips and tilted my head to the side slightly. Kisame swallowed hard. "Please?" I asked pitifully.

Kisame glanced at Zabuza and then at anywhere but me, crossing his arms across his chest and sticking his nose in the air. "No. It's not happening."

I dropped my façade. "Why not?" I demanded.

"Because I'm a heterosexual male! Why do I have to ask him to Homecoming, anyway?" Kisame snapped back, glaring at me.

"Because you're the only one tall enough!" I yelled, standing on my bed to glare back at him from a higher vantage point.

"I'm not taking a man to Homecoming!" Kisame said conclusively, looking away from me.

I'm a sore loser, so I refused to give up. "Kisame." I said evenly. When his eyes met mine, I continued. "Do this for me."

Kisame's jaws flexed angrily.

"If you don't, I'll wake you up every morning for the rest of the year by giving you a wet willy." I threatened pleasantly.

Kisame knew I was serious. In an instant, he was across the room and in front of Zabuza. Kisame took Zabuza's hand and invaded all personal space boundaries in one fell swoop when he uttered the phrase: "Go to Homecoming with me."

Zabuza looked vaguely disgusted and mildly amused. "No."

Kisame looked over his shoulder at me pleadingly. I sucked on my index finger and waggled it in the air at him threateningly. He turned back to Zabuza with renewed vigor. "Go. To. Homecoming. With. Me." He said in a scary voice.

"Just say yes, Zabuza." Haku encouraged.

Zabuza looked at Haku, torn, then glared back at Kisame. "Fine." He agreed grudgingly.

"Yay!" I cheered, jumping into the air before falling back into my bed. "Thanks, Sunshine!"

"Don't call me Sunshine!" Kisame snapped.

"No, no, call him Sunshine." Suigetsu urged.

"Sunshine," I sang.

Kisame face palmed. "I hate all of you."

-Sunshineeeee on a Cloudy Dayyyyy-

At around six pm, Haku and I were sprung from the hospital. The boys were planning seating arrangements for the cars with Haku and Zabuza while I was saying goodbye to Pein alone. Something told me the guys were giving me space to give Pein a proper, heartfelt goodbye. Admittedly, there wasn't much that was heartfelt about it.

First of all, our backdrop was a white minivan. Second, Kakuzu was already riding shotgun and was watching us; it was creepy. Third of all, it was _pouring rain. _Pein buried his hands in the pockets of his jeans and kicked the pavement with the worn toe of his converse sneakers. "You took your piercings out." He finally muttered. He obviously couldn't tell if my belly button piercing was in or not (it wasn't), but my tongue piercing was gone, and I only had one stud in each ear.

I crossed my arms uncomfortably and looked at a nearby puddle. "They weren't really my style. Sorry. I still have a few in."

Pein made a noncommittal noise. It was quiet for a few minutes. He stared across the parking lot at the guys clustered around Suigetsu's shitty truck. "Are you with Itachi now?" He asked quietly.

I looked over at him abruptly, but then turned my gaze back to my new friend, the lonely puddle. "No." I said. "It's just another one of those times that I kissed him randomly."

Pein nodded slowly, thinking this over.

"So, how are you?" I asked, breaking the silence.

Pein smirked and looked over at my puddle, probably wondering why I was so fascinated by it. "Same as always, I guess. I got another piercing." He added as an afterthought.

I looked up at his face but couldn't spot any new additions to what I already remembered. "Where?" I asked.

Pein looked over at me and grinned mischievously. "You don't wanna know." He advised.

"…EW!" I exclaimed before dissolving into laughter. "You are such a freak."

"I know." Pein agreed.

"Just… just _why?"_ I asked, still laughing.

Pein shrugged. "I was pretty drunk…"

I appraised him speculatively. "Yes, because that seems like a well thought out, reasonable lifestyle choice you made there."

"Careful there, your sarcasm's showing." Pein commented dryly.

"So is your stupidity." I countered.

Pein gave me a pouting look that was entirely fake.

I hit him on the arm in an oh-stop-that fashion.

He flicked my oversized forehead.

I kicked him in the shin.

"That's it." He snapped and grabbed me around the middle, lifting me over his shoulder and then laying me down on the hood of a car parked next to his stupid minivan. I squealed in protest as he caged me in with his hands pressed down on either side of me. I froze when I noticed the glint in his eyes, and he took advantage of the momentary opening by tickling me.

"No! Stop it! You sick bastard! I fucking hate you!" I screamed at the top of my lungs between peals of hysterical laughter. Finally, he stopped. When he reached towards me to help me off of the hood of the car, I flinched and hopped off on my own. "Yeah, real fucking mature, launching a tickle attack like that, Pein." I grumbled sarcastically.

"We all know I'm the king of maturity." Pein said.

"Oh, is that why you went and pierced your penis while you were drunk?" I asked.

Pein grinned again. "Do you remember that time I mugged you in the bathroom?"

I leveled him with a glare. "Yeah," I said tersely. "You needed gas money." I recalled. "If you try mugging me again, I will not hesitate to kick you in your new piercing." I told him.

"That's what I thought. You sure have changed since then." Pein commented.

I shrugged. "Not really."

"Yes, you have." Pein insisted. "Take care of yourself from now on, okay?"

"That goes without saying," I grumbled as he ruffled my hair affectionately, flaunting his seniority.

Pein gave me a quick hug. He backed towards his van, his eyes never leaving mine. "By the way, you pervert, I didn't pierce my penis."

"But you said…" I began.

Pein lifted his shirt, revealing shiny silver nipple piercings as he waggled his tongue at me. "I'll see you later, Little Miss Pervy Pants." He said with a vicious grin, his voice only mildly sincere as he slipped into his van. Kakuzu, thank God, didn't say anything annoying.

I stuffed my hands into my pockets self-consciously. "Goodbye, Pein."

Pein smiled one last time before shutting the door. He backed his stupid car out cautiously before peeling out of the parking lot as if he actually _had_ somewhere to be. I acknowledged then what I'd known for a while. That Pein was my friend: not much more, and certainly nothing less. I didn't feel much regret over him leaving, though, but that was probably because I knew he was right. We'd see each other later.

I turned on my heel and marched over to the others. "Let's get going! The dance starts in two hours!" I called to them.

-...-

There was a lot of plotting and planning and driving that happened in those two hours which turned into three hours, as we finally found ourselves pulling up to the school at nine o'clock. We had all eventually ended up in Tobi's car, as usual, and the thunderstorm had (thankfully) stopped.

"C'mon, hurry up, Sakura." Tobi urged me on in a giddy whisper as he pulled me by the hand across the abandoned parking lot of sleeping cars.

The hand not in Tobi's was pulling Deidara along behind me. He didn't complain, but he didn't make dragging him along any easier, either. The others followed us without a helping hand and we approached the school at a nervous scurry. After all, technically we weren't supposed to be there. Or at least, I wasn't.

The dance was being held in the interior courtyard of the school, and the only known way for us to get there without being caught was… well…

"Can you reach?" Kisame grunted at me from his position below. I was currently sitting on his shoulders.

"Almost," I answered in a strained voice as I reached heavenward, trying to catch the bottom rung of the fire escape ladder between my outstretched fingers. "Can you stand on your tiptoes, or jump, or something?" I asked.

"Uhh, I think so. Hold on." Kisame grunted. I threaded the fingers of my free hand into his soft hair so that I wouldn't fall off as Kisame gave a small bunny hop that was _just enough_ for me to reach the ladder and pull it down with a loud clanging noise.

Satisfied and smug, I carefully scrambled off of Kisame's shoulders while the rest of the boys hastily scrambled up the ladder.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Haku asked me nervously before mounting the ladder.

I shrugged. "It'll be fine." I assured him. We'd done crazier shit than this without consequences. Besides, this plot was my brain child, and I wasn't going to back out now.

Haku considered my confident tone and seemed reassured. After Zabuza climbed the ladder, he followed. As he reached the top rung, Zabuza helped him up gently. Ogling the cuteness, I climbed up last as we began our ascent up the wrought iron staircases. Once we reached the top floor, we scrambled haphazardly onto the roof.

The floors of our school were staggered. Where we had climbed the fire escape, it was eight stories tall. That roof dropped off a few yards in front of us to a roof garden that was only six stories high. We hopped down there swiftly. While we were in the garden, Tobi picked a few flowers, tied together their stems, looped them around my wrist, and called it a corsage.

After he was finished, we moved towards the windows surrounding the garden (which was maintained by one of the school's many clubs) and climbed into the first one we could claw open. With Itachi's keen sense of direction to aid us, and a lot of luck; we were able to maneuver to the third floor, where we climbed out one of the windows there to the two story tall roof that surrounded the courtyard.

We slid onto our stomachs and peeked over the edge. Homecoming was in full swing. The courtyard was full, and most couples were gyrating to some song I'd never heard and couldn't quite understand. Something about Friday…. Just below us, a large group of girls were posing for a picture in front of a green screen back drop.

"Them?" Sasori asked, pointing to the girls, who were currently posing with their hands on their knees as they squeezed together so everybody was in the shot.

"Yeah. Them." Kisame agreed.

We stood up, but stayed crouching so that we wouldn't be easy to spot. Haku and Zabuza might have been a little hesitant, but it was hard to tell since they were wearing masks. Kisame's shoulders, covered in purple felt fabric, looked tense and ready to go. In total, counting Haku, Zabuza, the guys, and myself, there were ten of us: just enough to cause some mayhem.

"Alright, on three." The photographer told the girls, placing the camera before his eyes.

The girls smiled eerily wide, their teeth bared in grimaces of false joy.

"One…" The photographer began.

We got ready to jump.

"Two…"

Deidara chuckled once in suppressed mirth.

"Three…"

We leapt off the edge, landing among the girls, who, upon seeing our costumes, screamed and jumped aside in fear.

"Smile!" The photographer declared cheerfully, snapping the photo, the flash lighting up the entire courtyard.

The photo depicted a group of girls in formal wear screaming like banshees as they ran for their lives from the ten of us, who were all outfitted from head to toe in professional, demonic teletubby costumes. Since the picture was taken in front of a green screen, the final product came out looking like a tropical beach paradise… overrun by evil teletubbies. Maybe it was because the masks had bulging red veins on them (causing the teletubbies looked like crack babies), or the fact that teletubbies are just plain scary, but those girls were scared stiff. I think someone might have been justified in pissing themselves.

After disrupting the picture, we began chasing everybody around the courtyard, scaring all of the party goers left and right until we were the only ones left. I pulled off the green head I was wearing and proceeded to laugh manically. The others followed suit. The DJ had abandoned his station, so Sasori wasted no time in hooking his iPod up to the speakers and playing some decent music. I slid out of my costume to reveal my stunning formal wear (thrift store jeans and a three year old t-shirt).

Kisame and Hidan had already raided the buffet and, armed with soft pretzels, had laid claim to a table. I joined them, trying to ignore the pain in my leg that had arisen when I jumped down from the roof. Haku was dragging Zabuza onto the dance floor; both of them had also stripped down to their normal clothes. Tobi was already dancing by himself all over the place while Zetsu watched; he was clearly concerned for our resident pirate's mental wellbeing. Deidara and Itachi were talking near the speakers, but I couldn't hear their conversation over the music Sasori was blasting at full volume.

I took a bite of my soft pretzel slathered in mustard and watched Haku and Zabuza. They were pretty awkward, as Zabuza had absolutely no clue as to how to lead his partner around the dance floor. It seemed he was attempting a waltz, even though Sasori's preference for the pulsating beats of Flogging Molly's Devil's Dance Floor called for anything but. Haku didn't look like he minded in the slightest. I finished my pretzel as the song came to a close, and moved to the dance floor to cut in.

"So," I said coyly as I wrapped my arms around Haku's neck, effectively knocking Zabuza to the side. "Zabuza, huh?"

Haku hesitantly placed his hands on my waist, and we danced with a slight sway to Red Hot Chili Peppers. "What do you mean?" He asked.

"You like him, right?" I adopted a tone of innocent curiosity.

Haku looked surprised and blushed but refused to answer by ducking his head and shaking it violently in embarrassment.

"Come on," I whined, knocking him in the shoulder. "You can tell me."

Haku looked over at Zabuza, who was picking out the very best soft pretzel from the mountain of them at the buffet table. "Maybe, I don't know…" Haku hedged.

"What's not to know? Tell me what you like about him." I insisted.

"He's just… you know…" Haku stalled. I raised a skeptical eyebrow that seemed to push him over the edge into spilling the beans. "I've liked guys before, but the funny thing is, I don't even like him a lot of the time. He always makes me laugh when I just want to wallow, and he picks on all my insecurities, but I find that I don't really mind because he's my best friend and he's earned that right." Haku looked up at the cloudy sky (it had finally stopped raining, but the courtyard was still soaking wet). "You know how he's not that hot?" Haku asked.

I looked over at Zabuza, who appeared intimidating, old, scary, and rather like a budding serial killer. "Yeah…"

"I still think he's attractive." Haku shrugged. "There are just things about him that I think are sexy even though he's not, on the whole, very sexy at all."

I looked over at Zabuza again. I couldn't see anything about him that was even vaguely sexy.

"What about you and Itachi?" Haku fished, turning the tables on me.

I threw my head back and groaned. "Itachi…" I muttered as I looked back at Haku. "We're just friends."

"Do you like him?" Haku asked.

I nodded. "Of course I do. He's Itachi." I said.

"Do you _love_ him?" Haku asked tauntingly, smirking at me.

I rolled my eyes. "It's not like that." I told him.

Haku shot me an incredulous look. "Why not?"

I thought about it. Why _wasn't_ it like that? I looked over at Itachi, who was still wearing his costume but had his head tucked under his arm. He was listening to something Deidara was saying. Itachi seemed to feel my eyes on him and he gave me a tiny wave. Deidara noticed the exchange and spared me a lopsided smile. My heart may have skipped a beat. I took a deep breath and turned back to Haku who was grinning knowingly. "It's just not. Itachi is my friend. I love him, but not like you_ love_ Zabuza."

Haku nodded, and looked over at Itachi and Deidara, scanning them critically. "I get that. What about the blond one?" He asked.

"Deidara?" I clarified, since Haku had obviously forgotten his name already. "It's the same. I love him in a platonic way."

Haku kept staring at Deidara. "It sure doesn't _look_ platonic." He commented.

I leveled a glare at Haku. "Whatever. We're not really here to talk about _my_ love life. Ask Zabuza out." I told him.

Haku flinched. "I can't do that. He's my best friend. I can't just throw that away."

I was sorely tempted to kick him in the shin but resisted. "He likes you too, so go for it. You're friendship will survive no matter what."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I can tell just by looking at you guys. Nothing could pull you guys apart."

"He doesn't like me." Haku insisted.

"He does." I assured him.

Haku shook his head. "No, he doesn't. There's a line between friends in lust, and two people in love and he's on the wrong side of it."

_What's the difference, exactly?_ Inner Sakura asked.

I wondered for a minute and looked at Zabuza again. Was he in lust or love? I'd only known him for a day, but female intuition, wishful thinking, and the powers of observation told me it was love. "He cares about you more than someone in lust would. He gives you space. Did he put up a fight when you began dating other guys?" I asked.

Haku shook his head.

"Has he ever stopped you from doing anything stupid or was he just there to catch you when you fell?" I asked.

Haku blushed and looked at Zabuza. "He's already around to pick up the pieces…" He murmured.

"Has he ever tried to kiss you or do _anything_ untoward to you?" I asked.

Haku shook his head.

"That's because he's terrified and he's scared because he's in love, right?" I asked like the answer was obvious. "He doesn't want to be rejected or scare you, or even put that much of himself out there because, and don't get me wrong, but he seems like a _little bit_ of a social recluse, am I right?"

Haku smiled softly. "Don't get my hopes up, Sakura."

I shrugged and decided to drop my matchmaking role for the night. We danced a bit more until Zabuza broke us up by cutting in. I stepped away from the pair and watched fondly as Zabuza gathered the boy in his arms and stumbled clumsily around the dance floor while Haku laughed gently as his abhorrent dance moves. If that wasn't love, I wasn't quite sure what was. I mouthed 'GET SOME' at Haku and made an entirely sexual hip movement when he glanced over at me. Haku blushed furiously and buried his face in Zabuza's chest.

Soon after, Sasori put on one of my favorite songs, Every Other Time by LFO, and I wanted to dance. I waited impatiently for somebody to ask me, but Hidan and Kisame were still busy stuffing their faces, Deidara was DJ-ing with Sasori, and Tobi was dragging a reluctant Zetsu around the dance floor. Itachi plopped his yellow-terrycloth-covered bottom into the chair next to me and raised an eyebrow in my direction. I gave him a look, stood up, and pulled him out of the chair. "Let's go, Laa-Laa." I said. (_A/N: It should be noted that Laa-Laa is the name of the yellow teletubby.)_

Itachi snorted and allowed me to dance with him after he made a show of stripping off his costume in a very jokingly sexual way. Itachi wasn't much for dancing to an up-tempo song, but it was okay because my bum leg didn't feel much like dancing like a maniac (even though I _am_ the dancing queen).

"Alright, alright, my turn, un." Deidara cut in when the song ended.

Itachi surrendered gentlemanly, and deposited me into Deidara's arms for the next song.

"Tired of playing DJ?" I asked.

"I just wanted to make sure Sasori played this song next, un." Deidara said.

I listened for a moment to identify the strange tempo. It was '…And the Battle Begun' by the RX Bandits and one of the only songs Deidara and I agreed on being good. Deidara was into a more psychedelic music scene while I was alternative and RX Bandits was the only band he'd ever sold me on. I snorted. "My favorite." I commented.

"I know, un. Is your leg okay, un?" Deidara asked.

"It's fine." I lied. "Why do you ask?"

"Because if it were actually fine, you'd be all over this place dancing for the life of you during that last song, not swaying slowly with Itachi, un." Deidara remarked dryly.

"Okay, okay, you caught me. What are you going to do about it, drag me off for bed rest?" I asked sarcastically.

Deidara ducked his head to mine so he could whisper in my ear. "Your secret is safe with me, un."

"Dork." I accused him.

"Don't hate, un." Deidara responded.

I giggled. Deidara just seemed to get me without an explanation being necessary. I sometimes thought our brains were on similar wave lengths.

"Sakura, Deidara, dance with us!" Tobi demanded from across the dance floor where he had looped Zetsu, Zabuza, Haku, and Kisame into holding hands in a circle and running around with him.

Deidara threw some choice swear words at Tobi's stupidity and I laughed. Same 'ol, same 'ol.

We were just a wild pack of teletubbies. We were here to fuck shit up.

-Aw, yeahhhhhh.-

"Sakura?" Itachi called out to me when we were on the way to our dorm after we'd dropped Zabuza and Haku off. The dance had finally been proclaimed over by an increasingly drunk Hidan, who had become more irate with every beer he consumed.

I followed Itachi and we hung back, letting the rest of the group pass us until we were alone in the dim hallway. "Yeah?" I asked.

There was a pause. I was half-tempted to whistle out of the side of my mouth to simulate cricket sounds. "How did you leave things with Pein?" Itachi finally asked.

I froze. Okay, that was one of the last things I had expected him to ask me. "What do you mean?" I didn't even know what he was talking about.

Itachi sighed and ran his fingers through his bangs in frustration, obviously tired. "Are you back together with him?"

I looked at Itachi curiously. Why was he asking these things? "No."

Itachi paused. That might not have been the answer he was expecting. "Why not?" He asked before he could help himself.

"Because I'm not interested in him romantically anymore." I answered honestly.

Itachi looked at his feet then forced himself to meet my eyes. "Are you interested in anybody romantically right now?"

I had a feeling these questions were leading me somewhere I didn't really want to go. Was Itachi asking me out? No. No way, right? What in the corrupt name of Jashin was happening right now? "I don't think so…" I hedged, but I'd be lying if my conversation with Haku earlier hadn't stirred the pot a little. What did he mean when he said my relationship with Deidara wasn't platonic? Who was he to talk anyway, that love-struck bastard?

Itachi's shoulders slumped just the smallest amount and I knew from this tiny betrayal of emotion that he'd had at least one beer too many (at least _I_ had remained sober this evening). "Then why did you kiss me?" He asked in a voice hardly above a whisper.

I sighed. He had been expecting something. Shit. "I've kissed you before." I pointed out.

Itachi nodded. "I just thought that maybe, after you turned down Pein, that _maybe_ it had _meant_ something to you."

Well, this was just a load of emotional bullshit, wasn't it? "It didn't mean anything more than it usually does, Itachi." I whispered.

_Why the FUCK are you turning down Itachi Uchiha right now? _Inner Sakura stomped her feet.

_It just doesn't feel right! _I insisted, because I didn't have any other answer for her that would even make a little bit of sense.

"And what does it usually mean?" Itachi asked, a little harshly.

I didn't take kindly to his tone but fought to keep my calm. He was drunk, and I wasn't, so it was my turn to be mature for once. "It doesn't mean anything. It was just a kiss between friends."

"Do you kiss your girl friends like that?" Itachi inquired in a tense whisper.

"One, I don't _have_ any close girl friends. Two, no, I don't, because I'm not sexually attracted to any of them." I told him, unable to keep all of my anger out of my voice but still glad that I wasn't punching him in the face and telling him to shut the hell up and get over it, it was just a kiss, same as always.

"So you're sexually but not romantically attracted to me?" Itachi asked bitterly. Okay, he definitely had a barrel of beer too much. Itachi _never_ acted like this.

I thought back to the lust and love conversation I'd had with Haku and tried to remember that I needed to be honest with Itachi but still spare his feelings. "Yeah, Itachi, and I'm sorry if you thought it meant something else, something more, but it _didn't_. We're friends and you're hot but I'm not _in love with you_. I don't feel any need to dress up for you or please you or change for you because I'm just not into you like that." I admit, I may have snapped a bit.

"Some might call that a relationship between equals." Itachi muttered, sounding very much like a sore loser.

I pushed my hair out of my face. "Say all you want, Itachi, but it's not going to change how I feel about you and I'm sorry." I said, regaining my calm now that he wasn't biting my head off.

There was silence for a long time.

"Is it Deidara?" Itachi asked.

A vein pulsed in my forehead. "Why the _fuck_ does everyone think I'm in love with Deidara?" I demanded.

Itachi shrugged. "Because it seems like you are?" He guessed.

"What about us strikes you idiots as couple-like?" I asked angrily.

Itachi thought for a moment. "The… atmosphere, I guess?"

I rolled my eyes despite a valiant attempt not to. "Whatever, Itachi. Fuck this. I'm tired. You're drunk. Neither of us is thinking very clearly. I'm going to bed before one of us spontaneously combusts." And, with that, I turned on my heel and marched to our dorm room where I collapsed into bed, fully clothed, and lay awake for two hours, staring at the ceiling, wondering why having a bed next to Deidara suddenly felt meaningful when I'd never given it a second thought before.

Deidara was my best friend.

I didn't like him like everybody seemed to think I did… right?

Deidara turned on his side in his bed and looked at me through heavy, lidded eyes. "Sakura…" He whispered in a deep, sleepy voice. "Go to sleep, un…" He mumbled.

I smiled at him affectionately, shimmied out of my jeans, crawled under the covers, and focused on doing as he'd told me, banishing thoughts of Itachi and Deidara and Haku as they raced around in my brain, croaking about love.

-END CHAPTER-

_A/N: The world may never know why Kisame is called Sunshine. Don't jump down my throat about the Itachi thing. Everything will be explained next chapter._

_Okay, a lot of emotional roller-coaster ride, but I feel we tempered it with the When Evil Teletubbies Attack thing._

_Question to all reviewers: If a bear and a shark were to get in a fight, who'd win? BTW, both animals can fly._

**_Contest deadline had been extended to June 15th at midnight, EST, because I know just how goddamn long it takes to write a chapter. Good luck!_**

**_If you're having trouble coming up with an idea, I suggest something that I've wanted to do for_ever_ and just don't have time for: Halloween Special._**

**_Contest Details:_**

**_Go ahead and write your own Scrumdidileeumptious one shot! Make it a dream or a spin off or something that happened during one of the many time skips or whatever._**

**_Have fun. Ship any pairing, at any rating. Then, post it and send me the link in a Private Message. In your authors note or summary, there should be some notice that the one shot is for this contest. All contest entries will be linked in my profile._**

**_All entries will be judged by me, RoRo, and Bonbon! (They're really looking forward to it)._**

**_First, second and third place will receive fabulous prizes in the mail and special mention on my profile and in this story._**


	53. Stop, Drop, and ROLL

_A/N: It's RoRo's fault. She made me read Gantz. Plus I now work seven days a week. And I went of vacation for two weeks._

_However, the last two chapters have been slightly reworked by RoRo and I, so they were posted (again. Sigh. Please don't be confused about this)._

_Also, RoRo deserves a pat on the back for beta-ing this chapter, seeing as I wrote it in the dead of night when I couldn't even make out my keyboard so everything got all messed up, aided by my sleep deprived brain._

_**Contest: Thanks for the entries, everyone! We'll judge… later… soon… THANKS FOR THE ENTRIES! :D**_

_Disclaimer: I have a panda pillow pet. You know you're jealous._

**Scrumdidileeumptious**

**Chapter 53**

**Stop, Drop, and ROLL**

I couldn't sleep. Itachi hadn't returned to the room yet and it had already been an hour since I'd rejected him in the hallway. The others were snoozing peacefully. Kisame was snoring gently, like a chainsaw and Deidara's twitching feet led me to believe that he was having a dream in which he was running. Sighing, I sat up and stared around the room, wide-awake despite the early hour.

I stealthily slipped out of bed and crept, ninja-like, over to the back wall, cautiously stepping over Kisame to gaze at the framed piece of notebook paper hanging beside the closet doors. It was the rewritten copy of the Bang Buddy Agreement (the original had perished in the explosion at the end of last year).

I'd read the accursed contract many times before, but it was impossible to do so again in the darkness. I could only see my own reflection in the dark glass, staring back at me. How dare Itachi break the contract and make a move? I wasn't prepared for that. It was against the freaking rules! They had all agreed, long ago, not to ask me out, and to let it be my call. Even though that had been infuriating most of the time, I thought that it was a very good rule. After all, as confused as I was back then, I probably would have jumped at the chance to date any one of them.

Now I was still confused, but I wasn't dumb enough to start dating a guy just for the hell of it like I would have before. Hugs and kisses were fine by me. I could deal with those. It felt nice. It hadn't ever meant anything more to me than a symbol of close friendship and stress relief. We were just friends, but we communicated in a more physical way than most. This wasn't something that applied to just Itachi; it was true of my relationships with all the guys I trusted.

Unconventional? Yes. But who gives a shit about convention? I, personally, couldn't care less if people looked down on me for being strange and expressing myself in a different way. That's their problem, not mine.

So how the fuck did it all go to hell? Exactly when did everything turn to shit? Itachi wasn't someone who just confesses the second he thinks 'oh, she's cute, maybe I like her.' No, this had to have been something that had been building for a while. When had it started? Did the others know? Was that why they'd left us in the hallway—to give us space? Was Itachi the only one who'd finally stopped straddling the fence of friendship and 'something more', or had some of the others joined him?

I resisted the urge to groan. This was beyond frustrating. I couldn't even figure out my own feelings half the time, so how could I possibly accept theirs? There was the whole Pein thing to dwell on, of course. Had I just fallen out of love with him? Immediately, I knew that wasn't the case. My interest in Pein had been fangirl-ish at worst and desperate at best. There wasn't any love. It was more of a platonic-romance than anything else.

Thinking back, there had been an extensive list detailing the numerous reasons why I liked Pein, and it was exceptionally embarrassing. Of course, Pein was handsome, interesting and mysterious (at least he seemed like it at the beginning). The truth was that these shallow reasons were frighteningly similar to the ones I used to justify my crush on Sasuke—and that was just revolting. Admittedly, my interest in Pein had run deeper than my adoration for Sasuke. I admired Pein's leadership skills, the way he could be both be leader of the Akatsuki and also run the Rinnengan at such a young age. Pein was smart, and deep down; he was friendly once you got to know him.

I remember the day we met. I was shaken up from the Orochimaru encounter I'd suffered earlier, and he was able to provide the security I was so desperately seeking. (After he finished mugging me in the women's restroom, of course). In fact, the mugging only added to his appeal. It showed he could both be funny and intimidating.

Beyond that, Pein was an orphan like me, and looking back on it that was probably what sold me on him. Even before my parent's deaths I'd been a friendly person, but after they passed, I'd become desperate for someone who understood me. Pein was the only person I'd met who'd had a similar experience. Of course, Naruto was also orphaned, but his parents had died the same day he was born, so he hadn't felt the same magnitude of loss. This was just one of the many reasons why my friendship with him had fallen apart. Now Pein, I could relate to.

Despite all the things that made us compatible together and the reasons he was so desirable to me, there was no denying our lack of chemistry. There were sparks, for sure, but no fireworks between us. As soon as I became a little bit more comfortable with myself and realized that I would be fine, when I accepted that Orochimaru wasn't actually hiding behind every corner I peeked around, when I knew more than anything that I would always have friends to pick me up when I fell down, I didn't need Pein to be my emotional crutch anymore. As soon as that usefulness was gone, there wasn't anything left between Pein and I but familiarity, friendship, and physical attraction, which were things I already had with all the other guys.

Thus, Pein and I changed from lovers to 'just friends'. We went our separate ways with no hard feelings and a sense of kinship.

So if Itachi asked again, I could explain that that was why Pein and I hadn't gotten back together and it had nothing to do with me switching my interests. However, I reminded myself, there was still the Deidara argument to address.

Deidara was the only boy in the room I hadn't kissed. As far as I knew, he was the only boy in the Akatsuki I hadn't kissed. For god's sake, I'd made out with_ Kakuzu_ and not him! Despite our lack of lip contact, this had never really weighed that heavily on my mind. Deidara and I were close and I didn't need a physical representation of that to know it was true. He was my best friend. I felt closer to him than I did to anybody else in our group.

I loved everyone in the Akatsuki, even Kakuzu in a grudging sort of way. Everybody brought something to the table that I liked, but I lately just seemed to gravitate towards Deidara. It wasn't because he looked like Naruto—I knew both Naruto and Deidara so well that I couldn't really see any resemblance other than "they're both blondes" and "they both have blue eyes". And it wasn't because he hadn't kissed me, because kissing didn't really affect my feelings concerning a friendship. Unless, of course, someone I didn't want to kiss me kissed me—cough, Orochimaru, cough.

There was just something about Deidara and I that clicked. And slowly but surely, I think I was beginning to understand what it was. Deidara was erratic, and eccentric. He was nice and smart and he hated math and we had all of these things in common. But most of all, we shared one thing that made us inseparable. We both possessed an unquenchable, desperate desire to be free: to escape anything and everything while turning the world on its head in the process.

That was our chemistry.

Also, we were batshit crazy. He blew shit up; I toyed with a group of dangerous sex gods. We had this insane and impulsive gene in us that made us do things without thinking, whether it was me yelling obscenities out of a minivan window at a soccer mom as Pein and I drag raced her through the suburbs or him, justifying the action of buying a cadaver for his best friend's eighteenth birthday. This psychological defect that we had no problem expressing to each other was what brought us together, and the closeness we built by inadvertently bonding over it was why I liked Deidara as much as I did. I can still recall his face on my birthday last year. It was the first time I saw him ride his motorcycle and I couldn't help but think how... _free_ he looked. I remember wishing he could always look like that.

It was hard to explain to others why all of the things that made him crazy endeared him to me, but it all made sense in my brain. Our similar interests and mutual understanding made us close, but nothing brought us together like our insanity. At the very core of our beings, where our most basic desires lay, we had something in common. That made him more irresistible to me than any longed-for make out session ever could.

And that's why we were best friends.

The only question remaining: Did all these things make Deidara and I best friends, or did I really love him like everybody seemed to think I did?

That can of worms was one I really didn't want to open. My relationship with Deidara wasn't one I felt warranted real reflection, else I might risk mucking up everything we already had with unnecessary feelings that, in the end, I might have misinterpreted anyway. However, I didn't see another option. It was best to get this "examination" over with now.

Being a teenage girl who had never had a serious boyfriend before, I wasn't exactly sure what love was. From the outside, it appeared to be, say, two friends who liked to have sex. But I was pretty sure that wasn't all there was to it. I thought back to how Haku and Zabuza had looked at each other earlier that night, and I knew it must be something deeper than a physical attraction. Did I look at Deidara like that? I wasn't sure, I'd never checked in a mirror.

Shit, this wasn't going anywhere. Abandoning my chain of thought (It was only leading me in circles, anyway) I resumed my quiet pace through the darkened room, all the while being careful not to tread upon any of the teletubby heads that littered the floor. I snuck into the bathroom and splashed some water on my face to clear my head. It was probably too late at night for me to be thinking about this kind of emotional bullshit that I'd spent a lot of time trying to avoid, but it was way past due.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror. A tired, pink-haired girl gazed back. Suddenly, everything seemed to hit me at once. I was exhausted, my thigh hurt, and I was still slightly buzzed. _You can't let these things distract you, Sakura._ I reminded myself. I'd put this off long enough, and, despite the cliché, there was no time like the present. _Okay, reflection_. I thought. Idly I contemplated the fact that my present train of thought was an excellent indicator of my current mental state. _Give it to me straight. Is this the haggard face of a woman in love?_ I asked.

My reflection stared back at me, unresponsive, with a determined look in her eyes.

…_**Yes. We love Deidara.**_

_Shut up, Inner, I know that's you. I was asking my reflection, so keep your opinions to yourself._

Inner Sakura huffed. I ignored her. I knew I loved Deidara. The problem was, was I in love with him? I contemplated my reflection for a while longer but no answer came. _My life should be a daytime drama._ I thought wryly, finally exiting the bathroom before once again employing my ninja moves to walk through a room of sleeping teenage boys without waking any of them and crawling into bed. I curled up into a ball in the center of my mattress and pretended that I was asleep.

Bonbon, who had previously been curled up on my pillow, stretched languidly and them padded over to where I lay, cocooned in a fortress of blankets. She clawed at the bedspread, succeeding in pulling more than a few threads loose before she turned around three times and settled into her new nest for a good night's sleep. She yawned once, her sharp white teeth glinting in the moonlight until she once more rested her head on her paws. Within minutes, her deep purring filled the room. I snuggled closer to the tiny kitten, and before I knew it, I was asleep. I dreamt about socialism and its possible effects on American society today. Oh yeah, I have deep dreams sometimes. It's not all about getting stabbed in the foot, kissing Deidara, and musing about Wonderland. Despite my dreams, the most pressing issue on my mind had not been resolved: what exactly _are_ my feelings for Deidara?

When I woke up, I had this feeling that it was going to be one of _those _days. The bad kind of days, where you just want to curl up with a good book or a nice laptop and waste the day away because getting up and trying to be a productive and responsible member of society couldn't possibly lead to anything good. First of all, I was tired. Being on hospital pain killers had disallowed me from any heavy drinking at "Homecoming" last night so I wasn't hung over, but it had still been a late night of partying. Plus, the drugs still circulating my system were only increasing my lethargy. And to top it off, my leg hurt like hell.

Meanwhile, Bonbon was pawing my face and meowing, her lamp like green eyes boring into my own. I swatted her paw away. "Knock it off," I grumbled and pulled the blanket over my head. Bonbon, who hated to be ignored, unsheathed her claws and tore my blanket to shreds. I glared at her through the tattered edges of what used to be my favorite blanket. Bonbon only cocked her head to the side innocently, licked my nose with her rough tongue, and then sat back to stare at me expectantly.

I finally realized what it was she wanted through my sleepy haze. I crawled out of bed and flopped lifelessly to the floor before I managed to pull myself up into a standing position. From there, I dragged my lead feet all the way to Tobi's bed and flopped down on the floor again. Feeling very much put out by this much movement so early in the morning, I reached under the pirate's bed and pulled out Bonbon's empty food bowl.

My other hand opened the drawer in Tobi's bedside table and expertly extracted a bag of cat food. I measured out the proper amount, dumped it in Bonbon's food bowl, and pushed the bowl towards her where she sat waiting impatiently. Figuring I might as well not half-ass the task of taking care of her, I dug her water bowl out and proceeded to army crawl to the bathroom where I used the sink to pull myself to my feet before promptly collapsing on the toilet seat so I wouldn't have to stand anymore than absolutely necessary and filled Bonbon's water bowl with the tap.

After that was done, there was the litter box. I stared at it for a moment before I shrugged and wrote it off as a bad job. Then I scribbled out angry instructions to clean the blasted thing on a post-it note and stuck the note to Tobi's forehead. I'm just that productive. It was at this moment that I realized Itachi had arrived sometime in the middle of the night, as he was sitting up in his bed, rubbing his sleep-filled eyes. I must have woken him up. I guess even ninjas aren't perfect. Yawning, he turned his bright red eyes on me, looking both exhausted and remorseful. Whether he was remorseful over what had happened between us or over how much he'd drunk and his major hangover, I wasn't actually sure.

Sighing, I figured this was a now or never awkward conversation that needed to happen. I valiantly struggled to my feet from my place on the carpet and walked towards the door. When I reached it, I turned to look at Itachi and raised an eyebrow as to why he was still in bed, staring at me confusedly. Clearly, this conveyed my desire to talk to him privately—I didn't trust anybody in the room to refrain from eavesdropping, no matter how asleep they looked. Itachi swiftly ripped off his blankets and followed me into the hallway.

Once the door was shut behind him, I took the liberty of leaning against the wall, crossing my arms, and putting on my best interrogation face. Itachi, for a change, did not look at ease with the situation as he awkwardly leaned against the door to our dorm and gave me an appraising look, inviting me to speak first so he could measure my reaction to what had happened.

I decided I'd concede him that. "This is your chance to explain." I gently informed him as I pushed off the wall and stood up straight, uncrossing my arms so I didn't look so frustrated or unapproachable.

Itachi scratched the back of his head in a frustrated sort of way. "What do you want me to say, exactly? Because I'm sure I said enough in my inebriated state last night to give you an excellent idea of my opinion of you."

I stretched nonchalantly to work some of the stiffness out of my shoulders. "I just don't want things between us to change." I stated honestly.

"Neither do I," Itachi responded, to my immense relief.

I smiled. This was good. This was going just the way I wanted it to. I liked Itachi and I really didn't want to lose him as a friend over something as petty as unrequited love. "Alright, then, we're going to stay friends." I decided. "However, the Bang Buddy Agreement clearly didn't hold up, so I think you and I need new rules." I suggested.

"Makes sense," Itachi agreed. "Let's start by you agreeing not to lead me on anymore."

I scowled. "That's not fair. I did _not_ lead you on."

Itachi gave me a look.

I glared. "How was I supposed to know you were going to interpret everything like that, anyhow?" I demanded angrily. I counted to ten in my head. "Okay, okay, let's just say we're both at fault here, me for being a generally overly affectionate girl and you for being a wishful thinker." I conceded. "Now, let's just set down the rule of no more kissing."

"No more flirting with me, either." Itachi added, nodding in agreement.

"I don't even know _how_ to flirt!" I protested.

Itachi gave me a disbelieving look.

I rolled my eyes. "You're the flirt," I accused him childishly.

Itachi raised an eyebrow. The left eyebrow. Nobody ever seems to specify that but me. It was his left eyebrow that he raised.

I ignored his patronizing look. "I want a toaster." I declared and walked towards him. Using a successful version of a very forceful hip sway, I bumped Itachi out of my way, yanked open the door, and reentered our dorm.

Itachi followed me, exasperated. "Yeah, okay, let's just pretend like that wasn't completely random!"

"It wasn't random," I argued. "Those are the terms of our agreement. You get me a toaster and I'll forgive you."

"Forgive me for what?" Itachi asked in a sharp whisper, his voice noticeably lower among the sleeping Akatsuki.

"For making things between us so painfully awkward." I responded offhandedly. "I want a Harry Potter toaster. One that burns a lightning bolt scar into my breakfast each and every day."

Itachi looked stupefied. "A… Harry Potter… toaster?" He repeated.

"Yes, good listening skills, Mr. Uchiha. Ten points to Slytherin for your intelligence." I said sarcastically.

Itachi started angrily at that. "Why am I in Slytherin?" He asked.

"Well, for one, you were doing a very nice impression of either Crabbe or Goyle just there, and two, you have red eyes, just like the Dark Lord." I said simply.

Itachi deadpanned. I grinned at him over my shoulder before I skipped over to Tobi's bed, where I promptly jumped upon the slumbering pirate. "Tobi! I'm hungry, let's go get breakfast!" I yelled.

Tobi sat bolt upright, wide awake. "Breakfast?" He asked.

I nodded.

Tobi grabbed me by the hand and raced out of the room, wearing only his boxers. He ran all the way down to the school cafeteria, which held only a handful of students: the early risers of the school. Tobi and I got in line for cherry pop tarts, bagels, and plenty of pancakes. Once we had staked out a table and begun our feast, the other boys, who were all deliriously tired, half-dressed, and grumpy, lumbered in to join us and bitch and moan about how all my screaming and carrying on had woken them up early on a _Saturday._ (Oh, the humanity!)

After breakfast and a few angry death threats beginning with "if you ever wake me up early again for something other than a strip tease, I will…" we retired back to the dorm to just hang out.

Itachi left with Kisame to go in search of a Harry Potter toaster. Tobi, upon discovering the post-it stuck to his head, cleaned out Bonbon's litter box and then left with Zetsu to go shopping for his favorite shampoo and some toothpaste. Without the pirate or the fish to make fun of, the room fell into an awkward silence.

"Well, shit, un." Deidara said, throwing down his losing poker hand and abandoning the fledgling game he'd had going with Hidan and Sasori. "Let's do something else, un."

The four of us pondered this for a few moments. "Stick thousands of plastic forks in the school's lawn?" suggested Sasori thoughtfully.

"Been there, done that, un." Deidara waved it off.

"Capture underclassmen and shave their heads?" I supplied.

"Sasuke's hair _has_ been growing back lately…" Sasori contemplated.

"Let's go to a strip club." Hidan said out of the blue.

Sasori turned to him wide eyed. "Yes. Let's do that!" He yelled and hopped to his feet, rushing from the room.

Hidan was right behind him. He spared Deidara and I a glance over his shoulder to call "peace out, suckers!" back at us.

"Well, then." I said dryly, feeling very much rejected.

"Hmm. Well, Sakura, you want to do something fun, un?" Deidara asked mischievously in his deep, lilting voice.

"What'd you have in mind?" I asked eagerly.

Big mistake.

-Several hours and a frightening motorcycle ride later-

"Wow," I whispered, looking around at the grassy landscape. The slight breeze was causing a pleasant rippling effect in the grass. Nearby trees cast black shadows in the hot afternoon sun. "I haven't been here in awhile." It was amazing how the sight of the vaguely familiar landscape could lift my spirits from what they'd been when I had awoken that morning.

It was the very same place Deidara had brought me for my birthday a million years ago. I hadn't seen it since that day, a very memorable one as far as days go. I'd come close to kissing Deidara, gained my beautiful iPod, Waldo, and had been introduced to the Bang-Buddy Agreement. (_A/N: please see chapters 18 and 19)._

After I got off the bike, so did Deidara. I stood at the edge of the hill and stared at the vast expanse of landscape. In an hour's time, the sun would set behind the distant trees and the sky would light up pink and gold and all my favorite shades of blue and for a few minutes, you'd be able to see the sun and the stars at the same time. But the picturesque scenery was nothing compared to the company.

Deidara came up behind me while I was lost in thought and promptly pushed me down the hill before throwing himself down after me. We were rolling like little kids, getting grass stains all over our clothes and kicking up grass and dirt everywhere. Instinctively, I crossed my arms in front of my chest in the proper rolling position to avoid getting hurt. My leg stung a bit but it was secondary to my amusement. As I tumbled down the hill, becoming more and more dizzy, I began laughing because I hadn't actually rolled down a hill since I was very little and the nostalgia the action stirred made me feel very happy the way only something from your childhood can.

I guess when I was a kid, and when most people were kids, rolling down a hill was freedom enough for us. And we could entertain ourselves just by rolling down a hill for hours on end, whether it was in our front yard or at a sports game or anywhere, really, so long as we had nothing better to do. Somehow, when we were little, rolling down a hill was both mindlessly entertaining and fun and the perfect activity for when friends came over to play. We'd all laugh our heads off. Then we grew up.

We grew up, and we stopped rolling down hills and we stopped being able to laugh so easily. Instead, we worried about everything, even grass stains. But here I was, rolling down a hill, simply enjoying the feeling and reveling in the fact that this was a very large hill, and wondering when in the hell did I stop thinking rolling down hills was fun. Because it sure as hell is and I've been missing out all these years in which I wasn't rolling down hills. It felt like a luxury, even though all it took was a body and the right setting.

So why had I allowed myself to forget this feeling? So much had happened. I'd gotten _old_. Or, at least, my younger self would consider any fifteen year old elderly. But I felt old sometimes, weighed down by baggage like an old lady, so I acted like a kid, and I acted without thinking, and I laughed when I was rolling down hills even though I was _way_ past that age.

But I couldn't really act like something I wasn't forever.

I wasn't really a kid anymore. My parents weren't around to fix my mistakes. I had been attacked by a very dangerous pedophile. A few days ago, there had been a knife in my leg. Rolling along behind me was a great guy that I somehow couldn't admit to liking because I was too goddamn afraid. I was terrified. And I knew that when I was younger I would have allowed myself to fall in love with him and tell him so immediately because I'd always felt so secure in myself and was so confident that even if I were rejected, I had my father's chest to cry into and my mother's soothing hand to pet my hair and nothing had ever threatened me before.

When I reached the bottom of the hill and finally stopped rolling, I was sobbing. Deidara, still rolling down the hill, stopped and stood up immediately and ran down to meet me. He skidded to a halt on his knees by my side. "Are you okay? Is your leg hurting, un?" He asked, appearing flummoxed because just a minute ago I had been laughing.

"I'm fine, I'm fine." I blubbered, lying on my back, covering my eyes with my palms. "I'm so stupid. I'm sorry, Deidara."

"What's wrong, un?" Deidara asked helplessly.

"I'm so," I sobbed. "Old!"

Deidara froze. That was not what he had been expecting. "I'm sorry?"

I hiccupped and let a few more tears leek through my fingers before I began to get a hold of myself, before I finally managed to sit up and wipe the last of my tears from my eyes. I hugged my legs to my chest and spoke to my shoes. "Do you remember being fearless when you were younger?" I asked quietly.

Deidara pondered for a moment about the time, many moons ago, when he had blown up Kisame's parents' two-car garage. The only thing that had survived the blaze was Kisame's Dad's old pickup truck, Big Blue, which would later be gifted to Kisame's cousin, Suigetsu. Deidara hadn't thought twice about blowing the garage up or about the consequences. He had simply wanted to, and so he had, trusting in nothing more than fate to deliver him from the repercussions. "Yeah, I guess so, un." Deidara answered evenly.

"Me too," I said. "But lately I think I've lost the nerve I used to have. I'm not as fearless as before but I like to pretend that I am." I explained, still addressing my toes.

"It's all just a part of growing up, un." Deidara responded.

"I guess so," I conceded. "But I miss it. I wish I had more guts so that I could be as fearless as I was then. Then I probably wouldn't have ever let Orochimaru get so close, and I would never have mistakenly led Itachi on and caused him to ask me out." I muttered.

Deidara stiffened by my side. "Itachi asked you out, un?"

I nodded. "Last night."

"What happened?" Deidara pressed.

"I turned him down, but we both sort of lost our tempers. We made up this morning, but I still feel like I've done something wrong." I snuck a glance at Deidara's stunned face, before craning my neck to stare at the rapidly changing sky. "When my parents first died, I was so afraid of being alone that I latched onto you guys very quickly and for a while, I just went with the flow because I was afraid of doing anything to upset you that would cause you leave me." I confided. I'd never told anybody about this, but I knew I could trust Deidara. He'd be way too embarrassed to tell any of the other guys about this.

I took a deep breath. "I knew I was leading you guys on. Especially when you guys came out with that stupid Bang-Buddy Agreement." I glanced to the top of the hill where I'd first been faced with the offending contract. "But I was having fun, so I didn't stop. I told myself not to worry, to just keep pressing forward, and that everything was fine and it would all work itself out because we were all good friends, so it's not like anything between us was a big deal.

"But it was a big deal, because Itachi asked me out, and his feelings were hurt and so were mine and I never, ever wanted anything like that to happen. I'm too old to live by a code that says "damn the consequences, I'll do what I want". I can't just "mingle with chaos" and pretend like that's normal, acceptable behavior. I need to think for myself and allow myself to feel what I feel, instead of just running away like I always have by distracting myself with yet another guy from my harem." By now, I was crying again, silent tears that ran down my face as my hysteria mounted.

Deidara, seeing my disquiet, cautiously slipped an arm around my shoulders and allowed me to sob quietly into his chest until the worst of my panic subsided. He was silent for a long time after that, until I lifted my gaze to his face, waiting for a response. "What do you feel, then?" He asked seriously.

"I feel terrified. I'm scared of being alone now that Mom and Dad are gone. I'm scared of Orochimaru and I probably always will be. I'm frightened that I might have to break a few more hearts in our group because of my own stupid mistakes. And I'm afraid to tell you, of all people… how I really feel." I admitted, turning my head to stare vacantly at the stars and feeling very small.

At this, Deidara pulled me even closer to him, until I was almost sitting on his lap. "Well, I think you're an independent woman who can get out of any scrape, even if your parents aren't here to pick up the pieces. As for Orochimaru, that's something for you and a trained shrink to discuss, but you've just got to remember that we'll always be here to protect you. And when it comes to the guys, let them make their own mistakes. If they confess to you and you don't feel the same, it's their fault for interpreting your actions incorrectly in the first place. But, I'm curious. What is it you feel about me, un?" He asked teasingly, but I wishfully thought that he also sounded hopeful.

I smiled wistfully, comforted by the familiarity of Deidara's teasing. I scraped together my long lost courage and decided that it was time to put my recently discovered feelings into words. Only today had I realized that love was a lot more than friends with benefits could ever be. I trusted Deidara unconditionally. We had a lot in common. We respected one another. I liked parts of him he didn't, and vice versa. We were physically attracted to one another. And, beneath all of that, there was more. I was drawn to Deidara like a magnet. He could always make me laugh. I could cry in front of him. We were close in ways that were indescribable.

I had found my answer.

Now I finally knew where I, personally, stood. I stopped worrying about what everyone else thought. I was me. I could only take responsibility for myself. I was imperfect. I wasn't even particularly gorgeous or anything like that. But none of those things mattered because I was in love and it felt like being a kid again, rolling down a large hill, laughing for no noticeable reason other than for the sake of laughing. In that moment, I felt like a woman much older than myself and simultaneously like a small child gazing adoringly at the great big world, thinking foolishly that nothing could harm me.

"I'm in lo—" My confession was cut off by the engine of a monster truck fast approaching us.

When I looked up, sure enough, there was the Tobi Mobile, once more cutting off yet another romantic interlude between Deidara and I. Tobi was hanging out of the window, wailing my name at the top of his lungs. He hurriedly parked the truck and tumbled out of it with the rest of the guys. They ran, sometimes falling in Kisame's case, down the hill to where Deidara and I sat.

I was immediately engulfed in talk, including much apologizing for the Bang-Buddy Agreement, several rude comments about Itachi, and some questions as to what Deidara and I were doing alone together. From what I could gather, the rest had found out about Itachi and had chastised him to no end for upsetting me. After that, they produced the Bang-Buddy Agreement for reference to once again ridicule Itachi's behavior but I seized it, ripped it from its frame, and tore the paper into shreds.

The boys stood dumbfounded as I nonchalantly made confetti of the accursed thing. "As I was saying," I said primly and turned back to Deidara. "Before I was so rudely interrupted by a certain monster truck's engine: Deidara, I'm in love with you."

And with that, I was strongly tempted to turn on my heel and run away but I forced myself to stand there and stare into Deidara's eyes for however long it would take for him to respond.

END CHAPTER

_A/N: Well, I'm glad that's over. Sorry there was so much narrative in this… _

_A comment of Chapter 51: I feel like Itachi, as a caterpillar, would look a lot like Heimlich from A Bug's Life._

_RoRo's Comments:_

_Don't apologize to your readers. Apologize to me! I'm the one who had to edit it all! (Wait, you already did). Well, I had to get that out anyway. Also…_

… _Voldemort must forever be referred to by Sakura as "the Dark Lord". That's how Death Eaters refer to him. And even though Sakura has a part of all of us in her, she is most especially like you, ChaCha. And I know that in your heart of hearts you wish you were a Death Eater. So there. _


End file.
